Speeches / Speech Competition Introduction Only - fitting into the theme [3]

Ted, that is one tremendously long introduction for a speech. Consider your speech an essay and keep the introduction simple, concise, and interesting. Cameron is right about your work lacking a central theme. Most likely because you failed to present the central topic of your discussion towards the end of your introduction.

The introduction can be improved by a revision. Make your hook connect to the central theme. Present the topic of the speech anywhere after the first or second sentence. Then go in for a presentation of the overview of your speech. Conclude the introduction with a transition sentence into the first topic that your speech will be presenting.

Overall, you show a good ability for writing. Your thoughts tend to make the speech interesting and should really help you keep your audience attention once you read this speech aloud. Don't be afraid to shorten the speech though. Keep in mind that when a speech rambles on, the audience attention will also tend to wander. So, that said, shortening this introduction and presenting the theme immediately should set you off to a good start.

Writing Feedback / To reduce accidents number the council of Balmer Island should limit renting of mopeds; GRE argument [2]

The main problem that I see in your argument essay is that you have a hard time structuring your paragraphs to contain questions rather than statements. While you were supposed to be presenting and analyzing the possible questions that could be raised during the discussion of moped reduction, you presented responses to the questions in your mind rather than analyzing the possible question. There is also a part where you repeated phrases twice, no doubt because you are writing under time pressure. The conclusion could have been better developed if you had presented some information regarding the support that people have for the measure to reduce moped use on Balmer and then opposing it by saying the author had some good points in his report that should be considered when debating the issue. Since this is a GRE essay, try to avoid including yourself int he reference to people giving an opinion. Your job in the essay is to analyze the opinions, not give your own. You must also make sure to use the same keyword terms as in the original prompt. In this case, the word is MOPEDS NOT MOPES. As for the grammar corrections...

While it may be true that reducing the number of mopesrent on RENTABLE MOPEDS DURING THE summer seems to reduce the number of accidents on Balmer Island, but this author's argument does not make a cogent case for the decreased number of accidents on Seaville and Balmer Island. It is easy to understand that this THESE cities can have differences in THE number of population and fiscalization RENTAL RATES which differ the magnitude of the increasing of INCREASE IN accidents.

The article states that the reduction in accidents on Balmer Island would be the same of the AS THAT OF Seaville. Lets suppose that Seaville is a city larger than Balmer, people would people would ride mopes MOPEDS more frequently. Consequently AS A RESULT, the number of acicidents ACCIDENTS would increase WHEN compared with TO a smaller city where mopes MOPEDS are not used in everyday life. Besides that, lets suppose THERE IS ALSO A LACK OF ASSUMPTION REGARDING the streets and roads of Seaville. ARE THE SEAVILLE STREETS were more dangerous, with a lot of curves or streets with tiny sidewalks. ? We just do not know THOSE ARE UNKNOWN CONTRIBUTING FACTORS. Unless the two cities would have the same size and pattern of roads and streets we could CANNOT ACCURATELY say the comparison is valid and reliable.

Building up an implication ASSUMING that Balmer and Seaville Islands have the same size and well planned roads and streets, the author suggestS that the redution REDUCTION in the number of accidents in Balmer would be the same AS observed in Seaville. According the argument the , Balmer would have a reduction of 50% in the number of accidents by a decreasing in the number of mopes rent MOPED RENTALS BY of 50%. But, IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE THAT if Seaville besides of decreasing DECREASED the number of rents it also raised the fiscalization for mopes AND ALSO RAISED THE MOPED RENTAL RATES WHICH DISCOURAGED PEOPLE FROM RENTING THE MOPEDS.

As known, fining mopes which was faster than the speed allowed, and hiring more policemen to control the transit. Regardless of wheather WHETHER the cities have made ENACTED other measures to decreased accidents or not, the author does not efficiently show a connection between the expected decreased in the number of accidents in Balmer with the observed decreased in the LESSER number of accidents in Seaville.

To conclude, it is expected that the number of mopDe accidents decreased because of the reduction of IN the number of mopes MOPEDS circulating in the city. However, this author's argument is not likely significant ENOUGH TO persuade READERS that the decrease in accidents would be the same as observed in Seaville.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Task - The environmental issue is too complex to be handled by individuals. [4]

Environmental issueS, in some ways, might be so TOO complicated that it is hard to be handled by individuals FOR SIMPLE INDIVIDUALS TO HANDLE. Things ISSUES like global warming, air pollution, and THE WORLD energy crisis, these kinds of ARE problems THAT can be barely solved by one's effort INDIVIDUAL EFFORTS because they involve a large THESE COVER A WIDE range OF SITUATIONS which even extend to the whole world. Based on such reasonS, many people may think that one person's effort can't have any influence upon environmental problems. However, my attitude BELIEF is the opposite of such A statement; THE subtle power as THAT we have AS INDIVIDUALS CAN ALLOW US , we can TO still do something more or less to save our Earth.

As we trace back to the origin of the environmental problems, they were actually all built up by every humans' unconscious behavior. Any environmental problems didn't form in one day; they were led by various factors and accumulated day by day, and eventually interweaved INTERWOVEN into complex problems. For instance, the main cause of global warming is dueto the increasing density of carbon dioxide IN THE AIR. Nevertheless, it's impossible to cause the situation just by SIMPLY BY HAVING several factories or some industrial cities. Global warming mainly arises from deforestation and fossil deforestation which are related to our daily life, and SO I believe that all humans are responsible forTHE CREATION OF this problem THESE PROBLEMS. Therefore, since such issues resulted from people, ARE RESULTNANT OF PEOPLE'S ACTIONS, why not it can't be handled by every individual? In fact, without every individual's assistance, these kinds of issues arehardly CANNOT BE solved radically. Albeit one person's effort is limited, as people aggregate together BAND TOGETHER TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM, they can exert unexpected power to cope with those tough issues. For example, to decrease the density of carbon dioxide, car driving should be reduced as MUCH AS possible as we can . In that case, if IF most of the people are aware of this concept and turn to take mass transportation, the possibility of fulfilling this objective can be really optimistic ACHIEVABLE. Once it achieves to the certain extent ONCE ACHIEVED TO A CERTAIN EXTENT, I believe it can bring a great effect in solving global warming.

Moreover, sometimes one person's efforts can even cause a surprising influence which is out of expectation. For example, to make all people participate in the eco-friendly activities, it's necessary to raise their environmental awareness. At the moment, friends can bring great influence since people's minds tend to be affected by their friends. (CITE AN EXAMPLE OF THIS EFFECTIVE METHOD) On account of the reason, we can try to convince our friends of doing something that is beneficial to our environments. By the time we succeed to persuade IN PERSUADING them, they will also begin to affect their friends. As everyone attempts to do PROMOTE this small movement, it can eventually interlock into an enormous effect, making plenty of CAUSING people TO have the consciousness BED CONSCIOUS of protecting OUR environments . Especially these days, despite only several individuals, they WHEN INDIVIDUALS can propagate abundant information rapidly through media technology. As a consequence RESULT, when the one is talking to one person, he/her may be actually talking to a thousand.

In conclusion, to tackle those large-scale problems, we can't always depend on governments or some authoritative institutions. Also, there is no exactlyone AND efficient way to work out environmental issues immediately. I believe that making every individual involveD in the issue is the best yet AND practical way to solve the environmental issues.

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This is a very well developed and thought out opinion essay. However, your opinion could be better supported if you could have offered one or two solid examples of the way the individual's can bring about change. There is too much theory and too little practical evidence in it. Also, I don't think you timed yourself when you wrote this essay. While writing a long essay is good, You should not use up all of the 30 minutes in simply writing a long essay. You need to leave time to proof-read and correct your essay. That said, this is an excellent effort that would have passed the actual test :-)

Writing Feedback / FEELING UNSAFE AT HOME AND OUT - WRITING IELTS TASK 2 - CAUSES & SOLUTIONS [5]

Based upon your current skill at writing task 2, I can safely say that you will qualify for a band score of 6. I don't consider that a bad score. Your writing is not at all bad. It just needs to be better developed, practiced, and polished. Your response to the prompt is correct. However, your coherence tends to be blurred and hard to understand sometimes due to your use of wrong descriptive words (ex. Religion instead of Region)

With regards to the use of the pronoun I, it all depends upon what the essay prompt requires. In this case, since you are being asked for the possible solutions and causes, you should use the pronoun I as often as you can. The message of the essay must be something that you believe in and therefore, are willing to defend on a personal level. So use all first pronoun descriptors that you can. It will be most helpful to your essay if you can refer to a personal experience in the discussion in order to better discuss or defend your stance.

Therefore, you should say things like "I believe that one of the major causes of this sense of lack of safety stems from..." or "In my opinion, one of the solutions to the problem..." By speaking in that manner, you show a greater understanding of the topic and will, in the process, increase your band score as well.

Undergraduate / Fear is a problem I never stop trying to solve but never ever solved completely [4]

Michael, one way that you can insert the story about fear being caused by lack of experience but not solely knowledge is by telling another story about a flight that you took after you learned all about the elements of flight, turbulence, etc. Tell the reviewer about how different your approach to this flight was. Maybe describe a point during the trip when your plane once again experience turbulence and this time, you did not hear your heart beating louder than the sound outside the plane. Then explain why you believe that is so.

You can use a whole paragraph to explain this part if you are not faced with a maximum word count. Tell you what, you can take the essay above and then insert the story at the point where you think it best fits. Then post that new version here so I can have a look at it for you. I'll take care of making it work better with the original work. Do you think that will work for you?

All essays will take at least 3 revisions before you come up with your final version. So don't worry about it. I'll make sure to be by your side and helping you until you get the essay you want to submit :-)

Undergraduate / Fear is a problem I never stop trying to solve but never ever solved completely [4]

Michael, it is in the best interest of your essay to use only one form of fear that you had to overcome. I believe that the better fear to present in this case is the one about flying. So that is the part of the essay that I concentrated on improving and finalizing for you.It is currently in a final format that you can use.

Until now, the three weeks that I spent in summer school seems to be a blur in my mind, but the five-minute dreadful experience of the return flight is more than imprinted in my heart, it is a scar on my heart that I wear proudly because of the outcome of that incident.

Our airplane encountered a violent storm. Besides the sound of thunder, I heard nothing but the pounding of my heart. Helplessness and panic flooded over me as I seemed to lose all my senses. When the turbulence ceased, I opened my eyes. A flight attendant walked towards me, wearing a calm smile.

"Are you okay?" she asked.
"Oh, maybe... I think, I'm okay," I replied, trembling.

For the first time, I experienced true fear. I could not help but ponder about how the violent turbulence elicited such different reactions from the stewardess and me. Was she really not afraid? I felt a strong obligation to discover an answer.

Thinking back, I was not the only one frightened at that moment-that was an average feeling for most passengers-but I clearly remembered a little boy who soon recovered from the panic and ate snacks beside me. The strong contrast between us drove me to envy the boy's innocence and carefreeness, and I was determined to further study fear.

Inquisitive about the origin of my fear, I established the Flight Club in my school with several friends who had the same interest as I did. By not only reading books but also visiting professional websites like SkyVector, we gained a large amount of knowledge about aircrafts and flights. We downloaded simulated games of aviation, trained ourselves to pilot planes and exchanged our experience and skills. Afterwards on any flights with my club members, we even debated with each other about the climbing angles of the airplane.

I came to realize my panic was from the unknown and uncertainty of some principles: because I had insufficient knowledge, I could sense danger but could not make correct judgments, and that caused my panic. Once I was able to discover the deep reason behind the horrible phenomenon that turned a flight into a nightmare, I could finally release myself from panic. The lack of knowledge and experience- were the true sources of my fear. I now can face all fears, actively and bravely. Fear leads me to set foot on a journey of self-discovery and a new beginning.

It is not my ultimate conclusion that knowledgeis the omnipotent solution to panic since some kinds of panic are inherent. Someone innately fears a pet dog. Someone considers the ocean frightening since birth. However, as a door is closed, why not open a window? Why not think of fear from an alternative perspective? I am now a cautious person who is destined to be fear's intimate partner. I do not consider fear an insurmountable challenge nor a signal tantamount to cowardice, but I regard it as a companion helping me avoid bad consequences resulting from recklessness. Although I cannot overcome fear all time, I feel it positively, despise it, and embrace it.

I now can face all fears, actively and bravely. Fear leads me to set foot on a journey of self-discovery and a new beginning.

Writing Feedback / International experience and more precious opportunity. Statement of Purpose For Enrollment at KAUST [4]

Ani, I polished your essay and applied improvements to make it even better and more interesting to read. This is ready to use as is should you choose to do so. It is now 534 words.

I am motivated to study abroad in order to broaden my international outlook ...

Graduate / Graduate MIT EECS Statement of Objectives - why a good candidate question [4]

On the contrary Oliver, your whole essay more than spelled out your achievements in the field of EECS. All of your apprenticeships, participation in activities, and the like, all of your actual, practical accomplishments, which the reviewers consider to have far more weight than the academic aspect of accomplishments (which you were thinking of representing) are highlighted to the best of your abilities in this essay.

While your grades prove your academic accomplishments, those are just numbers to the reviewers. They can get those from various sources in your application packet. However, the reason why you are a potentially good student, an asset to the university in terms of purpose and ability, can only be represented by your actual practice in the field. I believe that your essay has been greatly strengthened by placing the entire focus of attention on your actual instead of intellectual abilities. When the reviewer compares your academic records with your practical experience, he will see the balance in your personality and abilities. Factors that I know can enhance the possibility of your application being considered :-)

However, if you feel that you want to include information that I previously removed, then tell me which parts those are and I'll see if there is some way to make it work for your essay. I'll be on standby in the meantime :-)

Graduate / Six different questions included in the Virginia Tech personal statement [3]

Ishaqur, I edited your essay and it seems to have come out to a little over a page. It is like 1.5 pages I think. Let me know if it appears the same to you. What we have right now is a work in progress and we have 48 hours to finalize it. So read this and let me know if you think it alright or if you want to do some more work on the content. I'll see what we can do about the additions to may want to make. Here we go!

From my academic endeavors, the various projects I completed ...

Graduate / Graduate MIT EECS Statement of Objectives - why a good candidate question [4]

Hi Oliver, I edited your essay to make it shorter and better respond to the prompt. I removed the mention of your grades and your explanation at the end because the reviewer will be looking more at your transcript of records and records of grades for consideration. Your explanation will not carry much weight int hat instance. You have more than accurately depicted your strengths in the essay anyway so you don't need to worry about your college grades. Your work experience and abilities during your internship and participation in your field is more important. Here is the edit:

Please explain why you are a good candidate for graduate school. You should describe why you wish to attend graduate school, what you would like to study, and any research experience you have. Describe one or more accomplishments you are particularly proud of that suggest that you will succeed in your chosen area of research.

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Since I was a little kid, I always wanted to know how things worked. It was not surprising that my interest drove me ...

Don't hesitate to let me know if you want to work further on this. Otherwise, it is ready for use :-)

Essays / Introduction about technology which can improve English skills [10]

Kurnia, you need to follow your own advice :-) Watch the YT videos, participate actively in this forum, and most specially, do not stop reading and writing in the English language. Those are the best ways that you can consciously and unconsciously find yourself improving your English language skills. If you immerse yourself in the world of English, you will find yourself becoming a part of it. It is similar to the way that tourists pick up a language when they are in a foreign land. The more they hear it and have to use it, the better they become over time.

English is one of the easiest languages to learn because it is one of the international languages of business. It is the major language used as a secondary language across the globe, so you don't have to worry about how you can get better at it. You just need to be dedicated to the practice and use of the language with each opportunity you can get. By actively participating in this forum, you will get exactly that. I believe that forum participation will be one of the biggest factors in the improvement of your English language use. After all, you will be forced to read, think, and write in English here. You can practice the spoken by reading your corrected essays aloud :-)

This is not a skill you can develop overnight. This is also not a skill you have to develop alone. If you keep trying, we will keep supporting you and helping you so that you will be well prepared to take whatever English test you have to take in the future :-)

Undergraduate / There is a person I treasure more than gold.. Describe your mother (about 100 words) [3]

Hi Tram, I edited your work. It is now 100 words and ready for use :-)

There is one person that I treasure more than life itself -- my mother. Being a compassionate person with a warm heart, she has always influenced me to do what is right, give happiness to other people, and that emotional healing comes from forgiving. It is her unselfish love that taught me to put others before myself, but that I must love myself more than other people first. She is the source of my eternal power because she forgives my mistakes and praises my attempts and accomplishments. My mother is the reason that I have grown up a good person.

You can use the above statement in its current form :-)

Essays / Introduction about technology which can improve English skills [10]

Hi Kurnia, let me show you the mistakes in your writing and how to correct it. The improvements to your essay that I made will be in capital letters :-) Most of your problems are in the use of connecting words and singular to plural rules. You also need to remove the repetitiveness of your word usage. You use the word repetitively a number of times, which reflects a limited English vocabulary on your part.

Nowadays THE internet is very common for people. People can easily access THE internet for free language tutorials through websites such as YouTube and English discussion forumS. Thus, it is believed that technology can help to improve the English skills especially for of English as a second language learners. How can YouTube and English discussion forums improve English skills? There are number of reasons that I will be discussing within this essay.

The first is YouTube can improve listening skills. YouTube is a video sharing website that WHERE users can watch or upload a video. From YouTube we can improve our English skills by watching the ENGLISH videos, especially videos with English language . The skills that we can improve is are our listening AND VOCABULARY skills, because by watching videos we are not only watch a video , but we also listen TO the audio, so that is very useful IN TERMS OF AUDITORY DEVELOPMENT IN THE LANGUAGE.

The second is ARE THE English discussion forumS THAT can improve your writing and reading WRITING AND COMPREHENSION skills. AN English discussion forum is COMPOSED OF a group that we can discuss about DISCUSSES IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE English . In English discussion forum t There are many users from other countries, I AM ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF SUCH A FORUM AND I LEARNED THAT so we can share information there or we can get new information from there THEM. In English discussion forum w We can improve our writing skills, because we can ask someone to check our work, then someone will correct our grammar errorS or someone will give us a feedback about our work, . s So we can understand about LEARN ABOUT our weaknesses. From English discussion forum we USERS CAN also can improve our THEIR reading COMPREHENSION skills, because in that forum we will find the other works, so we FORUM MEMBERS can read and try to understand about their work and try help them. So it would be useful to improve the reading skills.In English discussion forum we are also FINALLY, THE FORUM ALSO HELPS ITS MEMBERS TO can improve our THEIR vocabulary, because if there are many words that we do not understand, we can search it in our dictionary then our vocabulary will increase.

From those we know that THE internet is useful for us as an English second LANGUAGE learner to improve our USE OF THE English LANGUAGE.

The weakest part of the essay at this point, regardless of grammar is your conclusion. It is too short and does not really summarize the content of the essay properly. You need to pay attention to that and make sure you always provide an accurate conclusion in all your essays.

Writing Feedback / Health is indeed wealth! IGCSE ESL - How to Improve for the Exam [7]

You can definitely do that :-) Although the name of the site is Essay Forum, it has sub-sections where you can post your letter for review. You can post it in the letter section for comments coming from various members and contributors. Feel free to do that anytime. We are all here to help.

Remember, you need to start a new thread for that letter in the letter section. Don't add it to this thread because your letter is different from this current discussion. I will definitely help you improve your sentence structure and vocabulary as best as I can :-)

I look forward to reading your next post. I am sure you will do well with it. You have the potential to pass your test. Your grasp of the English language is not yet at a native speaker level but it shows you have a moderate to early advanced skill in English comprehension and writing. So you just need to be guided accordingly until you take the test :-)

Graduate / *The Monday That Changed My Life* Personal statement for MPH program [15]

Hi Shristi :-) You have concentrated too much of the essay on your adventure with Lai. That has taken away the focus of the essay from the specific prompt requirements dictated by the university. So you need to simply summarize the inspiration behind Lai and the experience you had with him instead of getting so graphic as to even describe the tea that you poured for him. Those are all unnecessary elements in your current essay.

You need to take the focus off that story because it occupies more than half your essay, which makes it unnecessarily long. In this type of personal statement, you need to keep the answers short and direct to the point. Offer the immediate answers to the prompt requirements as soon as possible. Don't tell a story and then place the required information at the end.

You will have lost the reviewer before you finish telling the story of how you came from a small town and then how Lai inspired your interest in MPH. You have a very limited amount of time to get his attention and at this point, your essay comes across as boring and uninformative since you left the expected answers for almost the very end of the essay. Keep the essay short, informative, and inspiring as best as you can by focusing on yourself and the prompt requirements instead of relying on an anecdote.

Writing Feedback / Health is indeed wealth! IGCSE ESL - How to Improve for the Exam [7]

Nada, let's go point by point in your essay alright. One question. One answer. I'll list those below :-)

What is exactly the main problem with my essay?
- There are number of problems with your essay that stem from an incomplete development of your thought process in the thesis statement / introduction along with the wrong sentence structure for the idiom you stated, and some grammar issues. I'll revise your essay at the end of the Q&A so you can see what I mean.

How do I refer to myself as the main speaker?
- Use the pronouns me, myself, and I when writing your opinion and discussion.

And do you mean that I should state my opinion again in the last paragraph? So I should summarize the whole essay in the last paragraph and add my opinion again to support it?

- Yes to all the questions. That is how you develop a strong essay and depict that you truly understand what it is you are writing about.

Now for the essay corrections. I'll strikeout the unnecessary parts and write the corrections in caps:

Health is indeed wealth!

Many people all over the world know and spell the popular saying "Health is wealth", e specially mothers, who are adamant on ensuring that their children's health is A treasured . However, do the IT HAS NEVER BEEN CLEAR IF THE children, and many teenagers as a matter of fact , understand the pristine and intrinsic significance of health today? . I , AS A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE YOUTH OF TODAY, believe that health is the most important TREASURE ONE CAN HAVE IN LIFE.

I AM OF THE OPINION THAT Y young people should take certain measure to lead a healthy life. Firstly, t They should be well-aware of the extreme vitality IMPORTANCE OF THE VITALITY of their health and how precious it is for the sake of their lives. For instance, teenagers should sleep well so that theIR brain gets enough energy to do its work. In addition, a balanced diet and lots of water are compulsory and integral constituents of the development of their healthy life and SO they must take care of what they consume ENSURE THAT THEY EAT HEALTHILY. Eating lots of fruits and vegetables instead of junk food is highly recommended, so they should not avoid them THE HEALTH FOODS just because they hate them DON'T LIKE ITS TASTE !

Moreover, cleanliness is mandatory for health maintenance, as well as physical exercise, in order to avoid diseases and decrease the chance of experiencing obesity.

Teenagers who take care of their health will certainly lead a happy life, rather than spending it in the hospital because of allowing it to deteriorate. Therefore, despite the pressure, I BELIEVE THAT TREASURING ONE'S HEALTH it is definitely worth it.

I believe the corrections are self explanatory :-)

Writing Feedback / Health is indeed wealth! IGCSE ESL - How to Improve for the Exam [7]

Nada, you should definitely include your personal opinion at the end of the first paragraph . Indicate it at that point as the thesis statement of your essay. Then present the supporting facts and reinforce your statement at the end or last paragraph of the essay as a part of your summary. Regardless of which English test you are taking, placing the opinion at the beginning as part of the thesis statement is a must.

In my opinion, your score for this essay would be 8 for content and 7 for accuracy of style and language. The main problem with your essay is that you said that health is the most important in the thesis part, but you never referred to yourself as being the main speaker in the essay. You need to make sure that the reader knows that you are sharing your opinion throughout by using first person pronouns. There were also some mistakes in the sentence construction and idiom descriptions, which are acceptable for ESL exam takers :-) So don't worry about those.

As for the format, indented or block is fine. There are no set rules for writing the essay. The word count? As long as you are understood in the fastest and simplest way possible, you should be set. Reaching the maximum word count will be useless if you are not really improving the discussion of your essay so the word count really depends upon you.

Scholarship / Difficult problematic subjects - Gates Millennium Scholarship [7]

Kerry, I don't think that your problem was confidence but rather, complacency. If you were confident in all your learning abilities then you would not have said that you relied on confidence instead of adapting to the challenges that faced you. You were so confident that you were one of the best students in your school previously that this confidence led to complacence. It was actually complacency and not confidence that was your downfall in this case.

All of the actions that you explained in the essay, from acceptance and laziness, are all results of complacency. If you were confident, then the minute that confidence was shaken, then you would have asked for help. However, a complacent person does not ask for help because he is unaware of the coming problem. You were so confident of your skills that you failed to see your problem areas before it was too late.

So, if you change the focus of the essay from over-confidence to complacency, that is something as simple as a word change, then you will see that the essay will flow better and be much improved.

Essays / Introduction about technology which can improve English skills [10]

Hi Kurnia, you have written an introductory statement that is good enough for an ESL student. However, you ended it with an open ended question instead of a proper thesis statement. You need to complete the introduction content in order to improve it. My introduction, based upon what you wrote, would go something like this:

The internet has given people an avenue to pursue their linguistic interests outside of the classroom. People can easily access free language tutorials both in the written and spoken form through websites such as YouTube and English discussion forums. Thus, it is believed that technology can help improve the English skills of both ESL and academic English learners. I support this belief due to a number of reasons that I will be discussing within this essay.

From that point, you can just enumerate your supporting facts and personal experiences, if any, that can help strengthen your supported position. Just remember to cite the pros and cons of internet based language learning and you will be all set with the content of your essay :-)

Graduate / *The Monday That Changed My Life* Personal statement for MPH program [15]

Shristi, summarize the story of Lai. It is too long and turns the essay into a personal statement that does not deliver on the requirements provided to you. Make that story no longer than 5 sentences maximum in the introductory paragraph. This will create the foundation of your personal statement. You don't have to tell the whole story. Just tell the reviewer the important points that led to your realization. This is not a creative story narrative.

Your second paragraph should deal with the interest in public health by discussing what you learned from Lai and how it affected you. The third paragraph should deal with your choice of college and specific program with your last paragraph concluding with your career goals. You should by now, already know why you chose John Hopkins and the relation of the Improving Language Access in Emergency Rooms in the USA to your chosen program.

In answer to your question, a personal statement is different from a statement of goals. The requirements for each vary per school so you just have to make sure to deliver the information that each university requires for your application. You can't just develop one essay and use it for all your applications.

Essays / *My dad's influence on me in sports and technology*--Common App [5]

Sahithi, a personal statement is exactly what it says it is. An essay that talks of your personal experience in relation to who you have become in life. That said, you cannot have reached this point in your life, nor envisioned yourself to achieve your dreams and ambitions without the influence and support of those around you. In any of these situations, our parents are always our best and loudest cheerleaders. They have influenced us and guided us to become these improved versions of themselves. So concentrate your personal statement upon that.

Tell the reviewer who you are today in comparison to who your father is. In order to make your personal statement more informative about you, create the comparison first by summing up who your father is and then narrating how you have followed in his footsteps. Don't concentrate on that comparison for too long. This statement is not about your father and your relationship with him.

Conclude the essay with your opinion as to how you have become a better version of your father thanks to his influence and how you hope to continue using his positive influence in your life to become an even more advanced version of both himself and yourself by completing your college education. That should make it a more interesting and solid personal statement.

The key to not becoming a cliche and allowing the essay to become useful even in the most selective schools is all in how you approach the personal statement. If you consider all of the personal essay samples on this forum for example, you will say that all of the essays are cliche and should not have been accepted in the most selective schools and yet they were accepted. Therefore, it is not in the subject of the essay but rather in the content and presentation of the information that is important.

Writing Feedback / The figure give information about smoking habits of the UK population by age. (Writing Task 1 IELTS) [10]

Rere, your essay does not follow the correct format for the Task 1 IELTS Writing Task. The summary overview needs to be comprised of a single paragraph. The introductory paragraph and the rest of the essay paragraphs should contain at least 3 lines of sentences. Let me offer a suggestion as to how this essay could have been better formatted along with some other grammar suggestions :-)

The chart depicts the population of smoking habits by age in the UK. It can be observed that overall OVERALL, the majority of British BRITS ARE NOT SMOKERS is not a smoker . However, the most of smokers are those who have productive ages ARE OLDER IN TERMS OF DEMOGRAPHIC as opposed to unproductive ages TO THE YOUNGER DEMOGRAPHIC.

It is noticeable that the greatest numbers of youngsters in Britain are not a smoker DO NOT SMOKE, this is shown by the highest percentage in the chart at nearly 65%. Moreover, the ex-smokers are predominated by elderly people PREDOMINANTLY OLDER (41%) . While the light and heavy smokers are highly in MOSTLY ADULTS WITHIN THE AGES OF adulthood age 25-34 at 33% and age 45-54 at 14%.

In contrast, the minorities of heavy smokers are youngsters and elderly people, it is AS presented by the smallest percentage in the chart at nearly 5%. Furthermore, the lowest percentage of light smokers and never smoke people PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER SMOKED are dominated by elderly people at 10% and 45%. It can be seen as well that the adulthood ageS OF 25-34 and 35-44 have the A similar percentage at 18% for AN ex-smoker.

Graduate / Future supply chain professional writes MBA acceptation letter [2]

Hi Alex, I edited your letter so that it can become more like a cover letter instead of a personal statement. Don't change anything. I finalized the content for you so that you can use it already. If you think there is something you want to add, let me know and I will work it into the final form for you :-)

Here is the letter for your use:

My 15 years of professional work experience in Operations has given me the vast knowledge and command needed to deal with modern business challenges as a manager, yet I feel that current fast growing and competitive business world need vital strategic thinking and an ability from the managers in order to quickly and accurately adjust to market changes. Globalization has brought new challenges for economies; hence today's manager must equip himself with the tools and techniques provided by research and development in supply chain sector.

Wishing to work in operations, I shall be faced to many unexpected events. Therefore, I would like to extend my educational background with a master degree in supply chain management in order to help me develop my managerial and operational skills required to face the challenges and demands of my evolving professional career. Seeing as how I enjoy manufacturing, planning operations, coordinating tasks and thinking aboutcreating effecicent management chains, I can say that I am deeply interested in mastering the art of supply chain management.

Being a person who is used to working under pressure in a very demanding and challenging business and academic environment, I have the capacity to work in a virtual environment, emobdy the perfection of self-discipline, and the ability conduct all of my dealings with a get-it-done mindset , I believe will make a good student and professional.

I believe that my attached documents will help further clarify and highlight my abilities as a professional and a potential masters degree student at your university.

Writing Feedback / People are never satisfied with what they have. They always want something different. [4]

Adil, when writing an opinion statement, you cannot say that you support one side in your introduction and then say that there is something to be considered with the other side as well towards the end of your essay. This creates a confusion in terms of your opinion. So, in this case, rather than simply taking one side immediately, you should instead have said that you agree with both statements to certain degrees. Then explain why that is so within the essay. If you contradict your own statement in the essay then you can expect to get a not so good score on your essay test. Indecision is not a good trait to have when discussing an opinion essay.

That said, I will now address the grammar issues in your essay:

Man is was created by god with a thing sentiment called desire. What people have are will never be enough for them. People always want something else more, a better job, a better car, another wife, and yet they will never be satisfied. I would have to agree with the statement and I will give different reasons for supporting my opinion.

The desire, I mentioned above can destroyed the human race itself. There are many examples to proof prove it, such as the incident in Kalimantan, Riau or other province ,the forest burning that make made a half of the Indonesian people cannot life live with without clean air and plenty of them was died in that situation incident. This is happened because some people wanted to make the forest to be a coconut plantation of coconut to increase their money income.

However, desire is does not just making create a bad thing but a good thing too. Technology Technologies such as computer, hand phone, planes, and the internet were found developed because people have a desire to make a better world. Imagine, what if there are were no people that have with desire in this world, I believe this world would have a condition same as 20 centuries ago we would be stuck in the dark ages.

To sum up. People will never be satisfied with what they have. This situation could bring bad or goodness to the human race. It depends on how people can control their desire.

Writing Feedback / Redreacing the fee of air traveling is it good or not? [2]

Anna, in your essay, you only indicate the restated prompt and a declaration that you will be discussing both sides of the issue within the essay. There was a failure on your part to deliver the most essential part of the instructions that you were provided with. You should not have closed the introductory statement without indicating your opinion regarding the topic.

Since you did not discuss your opinion anywhere within the essay and instead, concentrated solely on the pro and con side of the subject, there was no complete fulfillment of the prompt. The lack of your personal opinion, should have helped to increase the validity and scoring possibility of your essay. In this case, your essay did not come out as strong as it should be and would definitely suffer from severe point deductions.

If you did not wish to have to discuss a personal opinion as dictated by the prompt, then you should have implied, at the very start of introduction, that you were supportive of a specific discussion side and then simply offered an example as to why you support it within the essay. That would have been more acceptable than simply not stating your personal opinion. That made it appear that you did not understand the prompt requirements. Which would be another serious deduction from your final score in this essay test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: In many countries, traditional dress and costumes are considered effective ways... [2]

Lithfia, do not use the term issue when you are not discussing a topic that has many sides or reasons. In this case, you are only discussing a topic as you are not engaged in a debate. An "issue" is a debatable subject for the essay. A "topic" is a relaxed discussion on a presented query. This essay falls under that classification.

Your discussion about the white costume that is worn in Bali for the religious ceremony is incomplete. There must be a reference as to how this costume helps to maintain a link to the past, not just the holiness of the ceremony. In order for this line of reasoning to be acceptable. your defense of your example must be relevant and applicable to the topic. I don't see that within that discussion.

When you discuss the music connection, explain the traditional links of the music. For example, what is the history of the Gendhing and how does it help to connect the Hindu music to Islamic messages? How does that musical link help to keep the people of today connected to that past? Prove your link.

Writing Feedback / 'Night at the castle' - gothic descriptive piece [15]

The dialogue actually adds to the sense of foreboding to the story so I think you should leave it in there. Remember, in all of these stories, there are always the well meaning people of the town who will try to dissuade the victim from going into a situation of sure harm. So regardless of how simple the dialogue or sense of irrelevance the dialogue seems to have at the beginning, I believe that as your story progresses, you will find that the dialogue at the beginning to have a use later on.

However, you should also consider whether there is a more fitting dialogue in the middle of the narrative that will have a better overall effect upon the essay. If you can come up with several versions of the essay,. each with a different approach to the warning the lead character, then you will be albe to decide if you want to keep this version, with this dialogue intact or not.

The decision as to whether the dialogue should stay or not is the writer's prerogative. While I believe that you can approach this creative story in one way, you may have another idea that you want to use or try out. Don't let me stop you from using your creative juices. Whichever version you feel good about when you read it is the version you should use :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The Crime Rate That Always Rises Gradually Every Year [3]

Masdar, the essay prompt requires you develop and present your train of thought in a clear manner that will not be confusing to the reader. While you do try to this in your essay, you were not successful in doing so for a number of reasons that include:

1. Incomplete thoughts in the introduction. For example; "some major factors come from internal of offenders". What do you mean by internal?

2. The second paragraph does not accurately develop the discussion regarding the reasons that you believe contribute to the rise in crime rate. Each aspect should be discussed thoroughly in separate paragraphs. The same problem exists for the methods that you believe this problem can be resolved.

Not all of your work is negative though. The conclusion you developed was good and gave the essay a strong finish.

Letters / IELTS WRITING TASK1: Your friend wants you to take care of her child in the weekend [3]

Bing, this is an excellent effort at writing a letter to your friend. While there are times when it sounds like the letter is too rehearsed and the effort to be grammatically correct becomes obvious, I would still give this letter more than a passing grade if I were your professor. In terms of an IELTS test, this will have passed the criteria already and get you a reasonable band grade. I hope you won't mind if I show you how you can further improve this letter :-)

Dear Alice,

Of course I would be a willing baby-sitter to your little Jane while you are in France. You know how much I adored her when we first met at your home so you won't have to ask me twice about taking her. Enjoy your vacation without worries. My home is Jane's home. I am sure my Mary and I will be able to find a number of fun activities to keep her from missing you guys during that time.

Did I already tell you that a new zoo opened near our community last week? I think that Mary is old enough to enjoy the zoo at this point and going there with Jane will certainly be an enjoyable activity for them. You did say that Jane has a fascination with Kangaroos, and Giraffes right? I think now would be a great time for her to see those animals up-close instead of just on the TV screen.

Speaking of activities, please don't forget to send Jane's favorite toys with her during her visit. It will help her feel at home while she gets to know us. I am sure she will be looking for her favorite Binky and Barn-barn doll when she goes to bed. We both know she can't be without those two favorites of hers. Oh, don't forget the extra diapers. I would share the diapers we have here but Mary is older than Jane and wears bigger diapers.

Enjoy your trip!

With Love,
Beth

Undergraduate / A young lady sitting contentedly facing to the computer - suggestions about my SoP [7]

Junhua, see if this edited closing paragraph is something that you would like to use :-)

Upon graduation, I plan on working with systems and datacenter networks either in a firm or in an academic institution. I understand a Ph.D. degree is critical to further hone my expertise, logical thinking and hand-on skills. That is why I am particularly attracted by the computer science Ph.D. program at Cornell University, especially its systems and networking research, which are consistent with my research interests and future goals. I believe the focuse on both principles and implementation techniques in building large prototype software systems will provide me with a new perspective to work in relevant research areas that I cannot anticipate at the moment, and give me an invaluable opportunity to broaden my horizons in relation to my future research and development work. .

It's yours to use with your essay if you feel this is an enhanced version that you appreciate :-)

Writing Feedback / 'Night at the castle' - gothic descriptive piece [15]

Iman, let me see if I can offer you an example of how to write this opening paragraph.

The dark clouds in the night skies of Tinselberry Town were moving fast, seemingly with a purpose. The full moon was casting it's ominous bright light across the streets. The clouds and the moon seemed to be trying to outrun each other. I found myself moving at the same pace. The banging of the town clock high in the tower of the local city hall pierced the almost freezing, still, and silent night air. It was midnight on the night when everyone in the town locks their doors before the last peal of the clock. Yet here I was, still walking the streets with the sounds of locking doors behind me. Prevented from seeking the safety of a hotel room in this strange town that did not have one. My car sat just on the outskirts, drained of its life giving battery.

I had heard of this town before but had never really visited it. The town had an almost folkloric existence because of Twilight Castle. The castle that no one dared to even venture near to. I heard a voice shouting a word of caution as I approached a road.

"Dare not go down that road! Twilight Castle is at its end!"

I waved his warning off as I went deeper into what I thought was an alley.

I walk through the vine filled path, dried leaves breaking under the pressure of my feet. I see a door hidden behind overgrown Mahogany tree branches. It feels heavier than my own weight as the door seems to cry out for blood as my shoulder heaves against it. As I walk through the intimidating pathway , various noises became recognisable , filling my weary head with confusion. I found myself spinning around searching for the unknown source.

My thoughts began to blur, my sense of reality, disappeared, transported into a world of deceit and terror, all the light had seemed to vanish before my eyes. My judgement is clouded by fog, I can't see clearly, my ears can no longer sense any sound, not even a pin falling. My hands are numbed by the moss that seems to be turning into ice on the walls. Grave enchanting whispers, shrieks of terror, pain, cries of help, defining warnings draw me in as I made my way in and at that moment I felt as though this would be my last day on earth. Each breath was possibly the last breath I I would ever draw.

-----

See if you can use the additions I made to come up with your own original opening scene :-)

Writing Feedback / The Australian children's free time activities (IELTS) [6]

Syafira, make sure to be consistent in the way that you write your numbers either use figures throughout the essay or use the words representing the numbers. do not mix it up. That makes your paper look unprofessional and poorly written. It affects the format of your paper. Also, since you are presenting previously gathered information, always speak in past tense mode.

The given bar chart shows the percentage of the leisure time activities preferred by the Australian girls and boys aged five 5 to 14. Overall, watching television and playing computer games have become the most preferable PREFERRED activities for them. In the WITH REGARDS TO other activities, the girls are WERE more likely to engage in crafting, rather than to what the boys do in who preferred biking and skateboarding.

It is clear that the kidSs ' screen time become ARE A more time-consuming activities than other activities ACTIVITY. Watching television has seized SHOWED a hundred percent OCCUPATION of their spare time. In fact, it has successfully reduced a computer gaming time by 20% (boys) and by 40% (girls).

Fortunately, children still commit with ENGAGE IN the other physical activities indirectly THAT offering benefits for their health and creativity. The data proves that over the A half percentage of the teenage girls (59%), they spend THEIR time on biking and doing crafts, while the other 39% of the boy'S s' free time are used for both skateboarding and crafting. However, biking (78%) and skateboarding (39%) are the boy'S s' most preferable PREFERRED sport activities. Nevertheless, 59% of the girls are WERE interested in crafting, so they can enhanceD their art skills OVER TIME.

Writing Feedback / Self-confidence is the most important factor for success in school or at work. [3]

Nadir, you need to consider some other factors with regards to the use of self-confidence in school or at work. The fact that one is self-confident makes a person carry himself with an air of self-assuredness. That we both agree upon. However, just portraying the confidence is useless if you are not prepared for a test at school or for a job interview. That confidence melts away as you begin to fail in your quest to accomplish tasks and goals.

So, considering the fact that the only way to actually pass a test or get a job is to be prepared for the test by studying or preparing well for your job interview by making sure you have the correct and impressive credentials weakens your opinion. Just having a successful mindset in the form of self-confidence is useless if you are have not done the work in terms of helping yourself to achieve success.

Again, when you discuss your opinion, always make sure to present the pro and con of the discussion. Make sure to consider other factors that people, who might engage you in a debate might bring up. Anticipate counter arguments and represent it in your essay, that way you solidify and validate your opinion.

Writing Feedback / 'Night at the castle' - gothic descriptive piece [15]

What are you confused about? If you can explain to me what it is you are trying to do, maybe I can help you sort it out so you can improve your work :-) Ignore the comments about the grammar problems for now that Jaime made. Don't let that confuse you. Just concentrate on writing the story for now. The grammar can be cleaned up when you have the final content written :-)

It's cold and humid. - Where are you at this point in the castle? Set it up. "I walk through the vine filled path, dried leaves breaking under the pressure of my feet. I see a door hidden behind overgrown Mahogany tree branches. It feels heavier than my own weight as the door seems to cry out for blood as my shoulder heaves against it..."

"So annoying, How long are you gonna sleep?" Sweet, honeyed silky voice" - Another scene set up before the dialogue. Who is speaking? Where are you? What is annoying?

You have to develop the story before you continue. Know what you want your characters to do and how they will be doing it before you draft the scene.

Undergraduate / "education is the most powerful weapon..." United World Colleges Application Essay [3]

You have a written a very nice response statement but it does not reply properly to the prompt. The response to this statement needs to be more about introducing your culture to the other students of the college and educating them about Nigeria. It should not be about how you learn and play as a Nigerian.

Why don't you use the Nelson Mandela quote to instead explain how you plan to effect change in Nigeria by first becoming the embodiment of the UWC mission and values during your time as a student there. Depict how you plan to take this experience with you to Nigeria so that you can work towards helping to improve your country. After all you did say that you plan to help improve the country by working. How do you plan to do this? Does it fall within the mission and values of UWC? That connection needs to be made clear in the essay.

As for what you can contribute to the school, focus on best representing the best character and traits of a Nigerian in order to help others learn about your culture and traditions in relation to your way of life. What traits as a Nigerian do you have that can help make the learning experience at UWC more than just an academic experience? Veer towards the friendships and camaraderie that can be developed. Do not talk about play time.

Graduate / Review of Why do you want to pursue an MS-MIS degree at Mays Business School? -Pallavi Thakur.. [12]

There is no need to present the other essays at this point. I now understand what it is you have to do. My answer remains the same. You need to focus only on the academic aspect of your desire to pursue your MS studies at Mays Business School. There are only certain aspects you have to concentrate on such as more believable reasons you want to pursue your studies at this school. Like I said, the reasoning you have currently presented is too shallow and cannot be considered a valid reason for your choice of school. Try to come up with something else that does not relate to being enticed by your friend or the research you did.

Don't discuss the courses in general. Talk about the specific courses you are planning to take and its relation to your future goals. There is nothing in the other essay questions that ask you to discuss that so you should do it in this essay. This is your only chance to show the serious purpose of your desire to attend MS studies so make it count. They don't need to know which subjects you excel in. Instead, tell them how certain courses will further enhance your abilities in relation to your previous training and studies.

There are parts of your essay that sound more like you are telling the reviewer the most commonly known reasons for attending their university instead of creating a strong connection with your personal and professional reasons for doing so. Parts such as :

In addition to the program structure, the Mays Business School's 'Center for the Management of Information Systems (CMIS)' and 'Career Management Center' offers a variety of opportunities for introducing students to understand the corporate atmosphere. CMIS events such as Leadership Retreat, Scholarships and CMIS Case Competition are a great place to learn, and I am certain that such events will definitely help me hone my presentation and analytical skills. I am certain that these programs will polish me to boost my chances of consummating my vocation ambitions.

can be omitted because you don't really connect it to your purpose for wishing to attend the school. Unless you can create a stronger connection other than helping you hone your presentation and analytical skills, then the paragraph is just plain weak and irrelevant. Connect it to your future goals. It is the realization of your future goals that give you a purpose for attending this school.

Graduate / Review of Why do you want to pursue an MS-MIS degree at Mays Business School? -Pallavi Thakur.. [12]

Just to clarify, do you mean there are 4 different essays that you have to write? Or there are 4 guide questions for a single essay? there is a big difference between the two as separate essay questions means you have to write 4 essays and 4 guide questions means you have to write only one statement of purpose. So which of the two are you supposed to do? Can you post the actual instructions regarding the prompt you are responding to, including the questions so I can analyze what exactly you have to accomplish?

You see, the first 3 questions you posted are the exact guide questions provided by universities for the statement of purpose. Those are questions that are to be answered in only 1 essay. I need to decipher whether or not you should write a single statement of purpose or not. Only then can I tell you if you have to post all 4 essays here or if you just have to revise this single essay.

The question you currently have posed " Why do you want to pursue..." is normally considered a statement of purpose prompt which is why I advised you in the previous manner. Now that you have provided additional information, we need to figure out whether it is a multiple essay project or a single essay prompt. I look forward to your posting the actual instructions when you have the time.

Writing Feedback / 'Night at the castle' - gothic descriptive piece [15]

Try to look back on your Gothic influences. Look at how the masters open their stories. Edgar Allan Poe's Cask of Amontillado should be able to help you develop your opening scene. If your main character is the vampire in the story, you can tell the reader of how he met his fate in a summary form. Or, you can present the story of an innocent who met a dire fate when he entered the castle, just in overview form. No presentation of characters yet, fading to black and then starting the story in the next paragraph. Kind of like how the first victim is always presented in those horror flicks.

Or, tell the overview through poetry, explaining the fate of those who dare to enter the castle. Speaking of the first time blood was seen coming out of it. The possibilities are really endless but you first need to thresh out your story and outline the way you want to tell it. Right now, you just seem to be throwing all of the ideas on paper instead of actually developing it.

You need to know what will happen in each paragraph before you write it. Think of what will happen and envision how you will present it. Write it down if you need to. Make a solid reference list for you to turn to as you develop the story. Remember, a good story is wasted if you can't develop the story line properly :-)

Writing Feedback / TASK 1- the graph below gives information about the prefered leisure activities of Australian kids [2]

Sharfina, while I understand that the overview can be presented within one short and one long paragraph, you need to keep in mind that by not delivering the minimum 3 sentence requirement, you are risking losing points during an actual test. So always do your best to deliver the 3 line minimum per paragraph. Aside from that, you also need to focus on learning to create better paragraphs so that your essay does not look so tight on paper, making it difficult to read.

Undergraduate / A young lady sitting contentedly facing to the computer - suggestions about my SoP [7]

Don't mention it. I am happy to help. As for your concern, you don't really need to establish the reason for your interest in CS anymore. The fact that you already completed a masters degree in the same field and are awaiting publication of your work in the area already establishes that interest far better than explanation of your college pursuits can :-)

I agree that you should instead use the space for the reasons as to why you chose this university and its programs. However, do not use research information for that. Don't make it sound like a student brochure or like you just lifted it from their website. Don't provide generic information. Just concentrate on the reasons why you feel the university can best help you achieve your goals based upon your plans and their abilities to assist you.

Just keep the essay on point by focusing on your purpose. Nothing else matters except the purpose and the relation of the university to your vision of your future achievements and career path. Good luck with the revision :-) I know you can do it well :-)