Scholarship / My eassay for master in inter trade law&finance. Is it good enough to apply for scholarship? [7]

The increasing in strategic partnership, free trade agreement as well as and bilateral/multilateral co-operation between countries in the last few years has have highlighted the important of internationalization.

I changes "as well as" to and, because the sentence is confusingly long already! :-)

use a semi-colon below:
And Thailand is no exception; it is in this challenging environment to which that I intend to get to know more about global issues.

...not only to continue my career in finance field but also to broaden my scope of interest and wherein I could advance analytical approaches to the diverse global economic system.

Yes, I would accept you. That first para had some grammar errors, but the substance of this is very good. Your seriousness is easy to identify.

Undergraduate / how did u hear about Mahindra and why mahindra [3]


Wow, that is what we ask when we want to improve our business marketing strategies. It doesn't seem right to have admission essays being used that way! But anyway, it is a legitimate question...

There lay many prospectuses in front of me as I sat in an empty library on a Thursday evening in late November. -- if you add this, it will help to make the paragraph feel complete, because later on you refer to that "cold night" -- and the imagery will be compllete if you have at least 2 mentions of the kind of night it was. By adding something about it being November, it will help the reader to experience the "cold night when you mention it later in the paragraph. Otherwise, it seems arbirart to mention that it was a cold night.

:-)

These things you list below are resources, not reasons:
There are many more reasons resources that make me believe Mahindra and I match perfectly- its religious community, where I can refresh my spiritual life; SANGAM, where I can

Writing Feedback / computers have complicated people's life- agree disagree TOEFL essay [3]

Yang gave you a great way to fix this sentence:
There is no doubt that computers are a revolution for human being.
He suggested that you should write "the appearance of" so that your sentence will be clearer. Computers are not a revolution. Their appearance in the world was like a revolution. The invention of computers made possible a kind of revolution in the way we do things.

Yang gave such great corrections, but I hope you understand it all. Grammar is hard to understand!

when you talk about computers, you can refer to it with an s on the end, because you are talking about all the computers:

As a result, computers make people's life easier...

Undergraduate / overview about educational and life experiences [10]


Yes, education is moving away from high stakes scrutiny and toward a new paradigm of performance-based assessment and collaboration. The institution of education is racing to keep up with technological advances so that the curricula don't become obsolete. SO... it is important to collaborate.

Additionally, like you mentioned, cultural barriers are hard to cross, and requiring people not to get writing help (is unrealistic and) promotes a sort of cultural hegemony when serious students like you are trying to improve your skill.

Anyway, I should not have said before that I think the school is making a mistake. They just want to assert that students should not have other people write their essays, which is obviously important.

About your other question... you don't have to be embarassed! But what do you mean? What is the "last arrangement?" Is it posted here in the forums somewhere? I'll look through your essays. but please link me to it or tell me what you mean. :-)

Writing Feedback / marriages should be arranged by the parents or not? [6]

Yes, I'm getting to them all as quickly as I can. Are there any particularly urgent ones?

Also, how does the scoring work for those tests? What would a perfect score be? Sometimes people ask me how I think they would score, and I just don't know. I do know, though, that many of you bilingual students speak better English than many native speakers.

Poetry / I will get what I desire. [7]

Well, poetry is good for introducing new expressions. BUT you have to find a way to demonstrate to the reader what you mean. yes, "playing with fire" is commonly understood.

:-)

Undergraduate / "to achieve my goals" - FSU Application Essay - "Vires, Artes, Mores" [4]

You might have looked at this fast and typed the wrong word... it has to be
My mother's courage and endurance throughout her disease have exposed me to...

However, I don't thin those thing EXPOSE you to anything. I think they may "put you in touch with" your strengths...

Essays / "250 - 300 word essay on plagiarism in apa format/style" - starting the essay [8]

Plagiarism is using work that don 't does not belong to you and passing it as your own without citing the source.------- this is clear, but is it what you want as your first sentence? the first sentence should capture the reader's attention?

Start with something thoughtful...
When someone steals physical property, you might be able to get it back, but when someone steals intellectual property -- ideas -- it is a more complicated issue. This essay is intended to give an overview of plagiarism and all that it entails....

Undergraduate / "never started learning Chinese until I entered high school" - common app [12]

Through learning Chinese, I have understood gained insight into the way of solving problems by confronting them rather than trying to escape.

This is great! And at the end, shouldn't you write about the fact that you are now bilingual, or pretty close to bilingual, able to think in 2 different languages? That shows that the struggle was actually building for you a strong foundation.

Also:

I bumped straight to this wall. -------- this is a great way of writing. You make the reader become absorbed into the events as you describe them...

Essays / Argumentative Essay on ADHD [4]

Hi Laura, you have to read some articles. You can find so much online:
findarticles.com/p/search/?qt=%22ADHD+Controversy%22

the trick is to read an article and write a para about what the author says, and keep doing that until you start to become fascinated and form your own opinions. When that happens, you will know what you want to say about the issue, and choosing between these two will not be a problem.

What articles are you reading for this?

:-)

Undergraduate / Growing up in Art, and Grade Stress ~ UCF prompts [3]

My family bonds are comprised of interaction rather than blood. Adopted as a baby from Lima, Peru (they know where Lima is) I was brought to the United States at four months old . There is no record of my birth parents; the only evidence of the genetic roots is my physical body.

In essence I am a first generation, the first mold. ------- wow, very good! You are a deep thinker, for sure.

This pattern of uniqueness would remain a constant; my vision for the future is filled wi th ___________________.

:-)

Writing Feedback / the Musqueam Reconciliatory Agreement: Part 1 [3]

Keep this as part of the intro paragraph: In my opinion: Contrary to the...

That is great thesis sentence. The intro seems incomplete if you end it after naming the argument for each side. So... keep the thesis at the end of the intro.

:-)

Writing Feedback / rejected for Early Action - SHORT AND QUICK EMAIL [9]

Emails are too easy to ignore. I think this deserves a hard copy.

The campus is stunning, and The ______ program is an important part of my action plan for the upcoming years, and in addition to my enthusiasm about the ________ department I am also excited about the great reviews current students have given of their experiences.

If you had surgery and missed school, they should be compassionate about this. If they are not, take your money elsewhere. Follow the signs as you wade into the future. Maybe you have to do a year at a different school and then transfer, or maybe you should go to a different school! it will be okay

:-)

Graduate / Marketing and Brand management masters programme in Lund University, letter [5]

I was the one building company centers and dreaming of himself as a manager of a nice company in that sand-made building. Now, I can say that it was a marketing position! ------ I think this last sentence of the first paragraph should be longer and give more description of what you mean; you can use a semi-colon, as I do here, to put two sentences together as one for an excellent explanation of how it was a marketing position.

Let this become a theme for the essay, and review each paragraph to see if your paragraphs keep on promoting this theme of you having been headed for this destiny since childhood.


good question!


Well, obviously if it is boring writing it is because of the way it is written. "quite possibly" makes it sound like you aren't sure why it was boring. "Boring" is an interesting concept, because... that old expression, something about "boring is in the eye of the beholder..."?

:-)))

Essays / "Write about your last big writing assignment." -Trouble finding answer to topic [5]

Wow, that is a tough one. If you can't remember any writing assignments, it is probable that you are going to need some practice.

It would be endearing if you admitted this problem in your intro paragraph and explained that you needed to set about resolving the problem by assigning yourself a big writing project. Assign this project to yourself now, and write a paper about... maybe... the concept of "renunciation" in spiritual traditions!

After you find some good articles to cite and write a page or two, go back to writing this essay! :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:At present we rely on oil for most our energy needs! [4]

The issue at hand is the question of how to provide a pr actical, powerful and clean source of energy for the world?
Nuclear energy would be the best answer to this. There is however a
debate on using nuclear energy.

In my point of view, it can't be denied
that nuclear energy has some benefits but it seems leave more negative
effects than positive ones. --------- this is a decent thesis statement. It is not fascinating, but it is clear and "argumentative." it is arguable, in the sense that some can disagree with you, and that makes it a good essay.

That last paragraph should be longer. It should explain your reasoning. You can reflect on our options and assert that, for as long as safer options are feasible, it is better to choose them.

:-)

Undergraduate / a piece of architecture- Sydney Opera House [9]

When I follow the link, I see that a weak attempt at paraphrasing was usually made. For example, in a sentence about "scale of the shells" it is clear that our friend Si Bich Hien tried to paraphrase adequately. In fact, his attempt to paraphrase shows that he is still struggling with the English language.

Now I say that Si Bich Hien put more effort into paraphrasing than many students do who grew up speaking English. However, I see some examples of phrases taken directly from wiki, like the one about "twentieth century's most distinctive buildings." That sure it plagiarism. it is also plagiarism if we give the dimensions of the building without citing the source of our information; however, that plagiarism is not the kind that comes from laziness; it comes from struggling to write well in English.

Now that I have looked at your point by point comparison, I see that a lot of time was spent trying to paraphrase sufficiently, but I also see that much room for improvement remains. I fnd in favor of the plaintiff; this definitely is plagiarism. However, it is not the bad kind. Let's all just help each other practice good writing.

a9961m this post is very well-written, and you seem to have lots of insight. Andrew, like I said, you are correct in the allegation, I think, but it just is probably not about any laziness or bad intentions.

:-)

Undergraduate / My art works or my through the musically inclined voice, FSU Vires Artes Mores. [9]

I feel that I hone those characteristics and that's why I would make an excellent candidate for this university.--- too simplistic, wrong use of hone, "feel that" is a phrase that lacks confidence.

End that first paragraph with a sentence that expresses a creative theme for this philosophical essay. Ask yourself what the main idea of the essay is, and express it here at the end of para #1.

Every day we express ourselves by using our many talents we have to create beauty and wonder with art. As some people say, beauty is within the eye of the beholder. Beauty comes in many shapes, sizes and forms. We all possess it and I am fortunate enough to have a balanced and structured life.

This essay is not supposed to 3 essays, one about each word. They say to write about "one or more" so that means you are supposed to express your serious plan for college and career, and also your life/learning experiences from recent years, while USING these three words as part of your explanation. Explain yourself in terms of one or more of these three.

Give your essay a theme, a sort of attitude or motto that you mention at the beginning and end, and let this make the essay memorable.

:-)

Undergraduate / UT Anthropology Transfer Statement of Purpose Essay [9]


Honestly, check this out answers.com/topic/pursuit-pursuance-quest
You had used i correctly. I just don't like the word pursuance. I don't like its ugly, stupid face.

So, I like your intro much more without it! :-) This draft is looking good!

This sentence still seems a little condescending, but not too much:
I believe that my academic dedication to the field of anthropology will enable me to make contributions that can increase the scholastic ranking of the anthropology program at the University of Texas - a discipline that generally does not receive nearly enough recognition as it should.

If you refer to a personal commitment it will be more about enthusiasm:
I believe that my academic dedication to the field of ------ academic dedication does not really mean anything.

Um... this might be helpful or it might not:
I believe that my academic dedication The way to make my work meaningful is to make real contributions to the field of anthropology, and this will begin with my research of (name specific research topics here) at the University of Texas. I hope to win opportunities for myself and to increase the scholastic ranking of the anthropology program at the University of Texas - a discipline that generally does not receive nearly enough recognition as it should.

Graduate / Architecture: Letter of Motivation for Graduate Admission [4]

Yes, I think it is. People understand your seriousness when you tell them about the specific things you intend to do in the next few years. You achieve more specificity than many others, i think, so you will do well! It is all about telling the reader a story about what you are trying to do; this makes people feel something and want to support you. Also, it is just plain impressive when people have action plans.

:-)

Undergraduate / Smith College supps - I want to mature into a whole person [6]

You can make it clearer with the rule called :number agreement":
Smithies will head back to their roots ...

:-)

Book Reports / English class...Thank You for Arguing, Jay Heinrichs [2]

He is not just to telling his readers how to construct an effective argument; he is also trying to make the readers more aware of why people argue and what purposes that argument serves in our lives.

Here are some errors:
...builds on one's ability and experiences, allowing him or her to develop a more conscious state of mind .

...and this is only the first half of a sentence:
Therefore more judicious awareness of what one can achieve with argument enables Heinrichs to be more effective in argument.

This is so fascinating, because it shows how powerful one can be if she can override her ego!

It also reminds me of what happened when Darth Vader fought with Obi Wan Kenobi in the Empire Strikes Back.

If you want to improve your grammar, read beautiful prose aloud once each day.

Don't give your essayforum threads meaningless titles or they will be deleted!

And He uses logos to make us feel confident (no comma necessary here) and encourages to translate our assent into action.

:-)

Research Papers / Researched Essay: What the role of higher education should be in the US [3]

Well, this looks like a very impressive outline. I think you should proceed with confidence.

The difficult thing about using a detailed outline, though, is that you are committing to do this scavenger hunt. I suggest that you should always be willing to change the outline to accommodate changes of focus that you want to make after going deep into your readnig of some of the articles you find.

You say you are stuck on the part about finding background information, but that should be easy. All you have to do is spend some hours reading articles other people have written about the role of education. If you read 5 articles, you'll see that a few of them cover some of the same major topics. soon, you'll find that you are sort of an authority in the field, in the sense that you know the major philosophical underpinnings of this question about the role of higher ed.

Try this: questia.com/library/education/history-of-higher-education.jsp

I love questia, but you hve to pay 20 dollars for a month of access...

and wiki is a good place to get a solid understanding en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Higher_education_in_the_United_States

Poetry / She glistens as the water glistens; Water Poem [3]

Who is she, I wonder.

I think this is a tough part:
proclaims, for all to see----------- you proclaim for all to hear, not see. However, see how you like it with a different word.

For Lady Diamond appears, for all to see,
"Look at how lovely I am!"

Undergraduate / NYU (Cinema Studies): Four Small Prompts Driving Me Insane [10]

I don't think unprecedented imagination works. I think unprecedented is ordinarily understood to mean something about whether something should be approved based on eamples from the past. I think this spot needs a better adjective.

Another part: yearn to envision a futuristic society. ---- this does not work, because what you really mean is that you already envision it... or... that you yearn to actualize your vision for a futuristic society.

And one more: what do you really mean by "futuristic?" This word just means you are saying it involves stuff of the future. I wonder if there is a better adjective for this part...

:-)

Writing Feedback / My grandfather - Essay for school. [8]

Instead of fond, you could say close. The way you wrote it, it almost sounds like you mean you were not fond of him.

His memorable life life and work had really no liited significance to me; that is, until my dad explained to me the life he had lived, the hardships he went had gone through, and what he had achieved.

Excellent! I'm sure that your grandfather is enjoying this essay, fro whatever vantage point he is reading it.

use a hyphen: life-changing

Graduate / "economic cases from my mum" - Personal Statement for MSF [7]

Well, you make it very personal with the sentence about having economics lessons as bedtime stories. That is very smart.

About the other part of the question, what you do reflects what you think, so it is better. Nobody likes to talk with someone who goes on and on about what she thinks, but everyone likes a story.

Writing Feedback / Question about the structure of discussion essay according to IELTS exam. [2]

these sentences below are interesting because of the rule called "number agreement."

As a result, many employees may lose their comparative advantage, since the markets would be full of imported products. In this sentence, "advantage" can refer to everyone's advantage, but in the sentence below, "job" should be plural:

Also many people might lose their jobs , and the salaries could decrease in developed countries, while their factories do not have the same value as before.

----- It is good for the developed countries to face some competition and for the poorest countries to find some opportunity.

What is more, as another advantage is the fact that unemployment in non-developed countries will reduce.
Instead of non-developed, you can say "developing" and readers will know what you mean.

:-)

Poetry / Shinigami - Death God [9]

Awesome, I see what you mean!

Well, I can't really suggest lines of poetry, because the poem comes from a place in your mind, like something you are excavating.

One thing I'll say, though,
regarding the poem's end
is that it's YOUR play-dough
so you don't have to spend
time rhyming all you say, though
it is nice when you do... but if I were you
I'd feel free to let the last lines lapse into rythm-less, rhyme-less prose.

Poetry / I will get what I desire. [7]

Well, "lose that thought" is a colloquial expression that is not particularly immature. It is just colloquial. It is sort of poetic; to lose something deliberately seems to imply something more than just "to get rid of" it.

As for "looking for the fire," I think it is a great expression, but I have never heard it until now.

Undergraduate / Born scientifically inclined, I was, and still am, fascinated by the world around me - USC essay [13]

It's great to have compounded interests. There is no reason an engineer cannot delve into aeronautics, and the kind of work you do throughout your career will reflect your unique personality. It's great that you have interests; some people have only apathy.

Undergraduate / "Almost at the bottom!", Common Application Main Essay [21]

Nope, don't worry, I won't delete your thread. :-)

Undergraduate / UM, Book that has made impact on you: Victor Wooten (The Music Lesson) [16]


ender's game is a good one!!


I think it was more about the fact that it was my sister's kid; parents don't like their little buggers to be called it, but the little buggers don't mind.


Well here is where we have to think of what "grammar" actually is. Grammar has no compassion or sentiment; it's just a set of rules for nouns and verbs, etc. As far as grammar is concerned, we are all "it," and if grammar was an alien spaceship, grammar would probably grind "it" all up for use as fuel.


Yes, good call! I am sure we have subtle effects based on our uses of various words, for sure. Similarly, I think it is harmful to refer to a group as "you guys" because it does not acknowledge the girls, and it is a poor idea to always say "he" when we need to use a pronoun.

So, it definitely is better to call the baby he or she, but what do you do when you are writing about a baby from the perspective of someone who does not know his/her/its gender?

Essays / values (Pluralism) and organization in a work place [10]

Oh, I see! So we are talking about pluralism in a broad sense: tolerance and appreciation.

It is interesting also to note that there is a connection between pluralism and relativism. Pluralism is about being accepting, but relativism is about everybody judging what is right or wrong according to their own standards. So... relativism can be considered to be a kind of pluralsm that leads to bad things, like justifying ruthless business practices.

But anyway, that has little to do with your project!

So, we know that you need to choose goals based on your understanding of pluralism. Perhaps you can organize a multicultural event as one of your ways of promoting pluralism.

Book Reports / Essay on Structural Violence as Explained by Paul Farmer's Anthropology [5]


just wanted to make sure we caught this one.

And yeah, the reason it "flows" better (whatever that means) is because we removed a comma. Commas make reading like stop and go traffic at rush hour when you want to get home.

Student Talk / Do SAT scores really count? [63]


well, to be fair, those 2 groups may be considered equal. High school is one big test, and not a perfect one. The SATs and high school both represent big, nerve-wracking tests.

And some people whose GPA are unimpressive may have had bad teachers who did not inspire, and some people whose GPA are very impressive may have had bad teachers who did not provide much of a challenge.

But anyway, I am just being philosophical and playing the devil's advocate; I know what you mean!

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

My bad! It's true, that was the post I was thinking of when I mentioned that. It is funny to say we love a little book about the rules of grammar, written a half a century ago or something, but... it is actually so funny and cool. For example, one rule of style I remember s, "Do not affect a breezy manner."

10 points for anyone who researches that and explains it.

:-)

Graduate / Speech therapist's dedication, intelligence & hard work; graduate school in speech therapy [8]

Hey, Jen took all the good corrections before I could get here. this is an important one that she caught:
From my earliest memories as a child playing with Darien( no comma necessary here) to my fourth year at Stern College, I ___________________________. My love and passion for speech language pathology began when I was Seventeen years old observing my neighbors son, Darien, receiving multiple speech and physical therapy sessions.

I suggest Strunk and White's The Elements of Style. Use it to earn how to avoid run on sentences. If you see this, you should know it is a run on sentence: My heart began to pound, I didn't know exactly what the word meant, but I knew it was serious.--------- it is a run on sentence, because it is 2 complete sentences. You could fix it by adding "and" or by using a semi-colon:

My heart began to pound; I didn't know exactly what the word meant, but I knew it was serious.
or My heart began to pound, and I didn't know exactly what the word meant, but I knew it was serious.

:-)

Undergraduate / "never started learning Chinese until I entered high school" - common app [12]


By the time I get to this part, I am confused. I have encountered people to whom I could not give directions because of a language barrier, but it did not make me run from problems. I think this needs to be explained more clearly.

I know what to do! Add some sentences to the introduction so that it explains that the Chinese language was a barrier for you because at age _____ your family moved from _____ to _______. (After this, give a thesis sentence that expresses the main idea of the whole essay. Then end the first paragraph.)

:-)

Writing Feedback / My Existentialism Beliefs-Free Will, karma, and reincarnation [3]


It depends on whether or not you care about showing "good composition," whatever that is. If you want it to look like good comp, whip up an intro. Say something intriguing, explain it, and give a poignant thesis sentence.

Let the intro introduce a theme that will be the central truth of the whole essay!

I know this may sound stupid, but I believe that karma extends to the afterlife too. ------- use a different word, something other than stupid. the truth is, karma theory and the notion of reincarnation are intertwined, so it is not stupid at all to believe the way you do.

I found a typo at the end! "we will reach out destination."

:-)