Writing Feedback / marriages should be arranged by the parents or not? [6]

should be chosen

You can only start a sentence with "Even though" if you are going to have a 2 part sentence:
Even though sometimes they acknowledge that they make bad decisions, they still want their freedom to make decisions in the ways they choose.

But your way is an incomplete sentence:
Even though sometimes they acknowledge that they make bad decisions.
Fix it by doing this:
Even though This is true even though sometimes they acknowledge that they make bad decisions.

Sorry I have neglected your posts lately! It was an accident. :-)

you don't have many errors! A lot of Jon's ideas were about style and not grammar. For example, your way is okay: In their eyes, For these parents, their children are always immature even though they are already adults. ----- Jon was just making a suggestion.

The important thing for you to know i that your English is already excellent better than some people I know who grew up in Massachusetts. But like all of us, you ca find ways to make it prettier:

Personally, I strongly believe that marriages will be more likely to be happy if there are both elements: the love between the young people and the agreement of the parents. for it.

Undergraduate / overview about educational and life experiences [10]

I see what you mean about asking about the 3 pages. Well, it is great to give them an amount that is consistent with what they ask for, obviously, and... instead of being courteous by making it quick and to-the-point, you can be courteous by writing something that will be a real pleasure to read!


If a school does not believe in allowing learners to seek assistance, it is a sorry excuse for a learning institution. However, the mistake being made by this school is an understandable one! It is not surprising that they would make this mistake, because obviously you are supposed to be being judged by your essay.

It is the same way we judge presidential candidates by their speeches. We watch their speeches so that we can judge what they say, so it would be ridiculous for politicians to get help with their speeches... :-)

But it is indeed a mistake. Schools should understand the admissions essay as a learning process with its own absolute value. Schools should not be merely concerned with weeding out the struggling writers.

This forum is an example of a place where all people -- not just people with language barriers -- can come to collaborate.

It is no good to resort to, for example, paying someone to write your paper, because that is the lazy way. But on the other hand, it is foolish for school representatives to think anyone would EVER submit an admission essay without seeking some help, even if it is just for a proofread and some feedback.

Anyway use these forums in any way that will help you, even if you don't want to post what you write. I understand your concern!

:-)

Writing Feedback / using computers in schools results in the rise in the illiteracy rate? [3]

Great corrections, caonhungchi!

Here is another one:
There is no doubt that the computer is one of the most significant inventions in the history of humankind, and ...

Undergraduate / How has your heritage affected you? [4]

As a daughter of immigrants from China, I endured many harrowing experiences as a minority that I wish I never had to go through. ------ this is a sentence where we were able to cut some words without reducing the meaning of the sentence.

As a result of my experiences, it has strengthened I have become stronger in my resolve to be proud of my cultural roots and to educate my peers.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Green Change - "cause and effect" essay [3]

In his June article "What Happened to Whom?" Ebrahim Nabavi, Iranian satirist and journalist, states: "For thirty years Iranians were in their closets, refusing to come out and now it's been thirty days that they've come out of their closets, taking into streets, and they're absolutely refusing to go back in." (now add a thesis statement that will establish the theme for the whole essay.)

...and I can only pray for them---- this is not a good thing to say. You can do a lot more than that! Let the reader know you feel confident about doing great things.

:-)

Undergraduate / An event that has impacted your life. (NCF) [6]


excellent!

I joined the forces of working America, and as a secretary, a personal assistant, and a nanny, I built up my funds.

use a comma when it is a compound sentence:
We had exchanged lessons over Skype many times, and I was very fond of her.

Speaking of compounding things, I think the way to improve this essay is to compound it. add a secondary theme that will make it about more than the anticipation of the trip. I love the way you express openness to changes that will take place within you; so, discuss your aspirations a little more as you revise the essay. Make it so that the essay is about the trip, as it already is, but also the trip could perhaps be compared with a trip into adulthood and career that is occurring now, and show that you have specific plans. You an use a theme of exploration and self-exploration...

Graduate / Need your help badly for my sop for Nanotechnology-Graduate Admission [5]

I had not appeared the GRE in that moment as GRE was not required by the university. Next spring, after deferment, I tried again. The counselor asked me to return with my GRE score. Then I took the GRE but got the score too late for that semester. As a result (I think), I failed again. Thereafter, I got myself in frustration and surrendered to apply for graduate studies. Mean while I keep studying about the latest...

This material at the start of your essay is good material for paragraph 2.
Let paragraph 1 be one that expresses your plan. Tell them what meaningful contributions you want to make to the field, and really let it come from the heart. Paragraph one is where you use a perfect sentence to explain your unique plan for work in tis field.


Because college is a business, and also because admission office readers know that people sometimes struggle to express themselves. Language barriers sometimes make writing sound childish. Language barriers do not make people look unintelligent; bilingualism is very impressive.

So, don't worry too much! Just start the paper with a theme of enthusiasm, and make it an introduction of your plan for the next, say, 7 years. Tell us your plan for your time at this school and for the work you will do. This is something you can do with confidence, because you have an admirable life-plan.

With each paragraphm show enthusiasm by giving details about the things you want to do. Explain resources at this school that will be useful for you in your unique process.


If you feel the need to mention this, do so by telling the reader how curious you are about __________ (name an area of research), and how you were frustrated when you were unable to pursue it uring undergraduate work. This way, you are still focused on expressing enthusiasm (i.e. instead of making excuses).

:-)

Get started! Let's see what you write. Remember, you don't have to include everything you might think you have to include. Use the topic sentences to maintain a theme of enthusiasm.

Essays / First vs Third person answers [5]


In qualitative studies, the first person perspective is sometimes used as the researcher describes personal experiences of the things being studied. However, in general the work is supposed to he written in that awkward, 3rd person style!


The researcher believes that the sky is blue because of empirical observations in a controlled environment.

Another way to solve the problem is to use the "passive voice."
For the purpose of this paper, it is assumed that the sky is blue because it is filled with blue- raspberry cotton candy.

Undergraduate / UM undergraduate PS essay--educational interests-economics [5]

The questions you asked as a child are so profound! They represent a very strong part of this essay!!

Use " " marks:
When I was six years old, my mother told me: "Our country is not so rich. I asked: Why don't we print more money to become rich?"

You are really smart to begin the essay this way.

To become an economist, you don't have to be a talent, but you must have the combination of a mathematician, a historian, a statesman and a philosopher.(need a transition here????move to the next paragraph??or cut?)------ move this up to reinforce paragraph 2. It is a great opening line for a paragraph.

Put the last 2 paragraphs together as one long paragraph. A fat conclusion paragraph is great.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Thank You" is more than a phrase - Gettysburg College Supplement... [2]

I want to suggest the word communicative for you. It is a good word! :-)

I perceived, on the other hand, that those sellers developed their communicative ways with their ...

The short answer is not good. "Why don't you take a look at Gettysburg College?" My Opportunity Grant scholarship adviser at the Education USA center at AMIDEAST Sanaa asked, adding that Gettysburg is a top liberal arts school with excellent financial aid opportunities for international students. I also did more researching on the Internet to learn more about the School. And the more research I did, the more interested I became.

Keep this:
Gettysburg is a top liberal arts school with excellent financial aid opportunities for international students.
And list five other great resources at the school. Tell us if there is a professor whom you admire, a club you want to join, etc. Tell us several reasons why this school is better than your other options.

:-)

Undergraduate / Is it not in my best interest to write "why this college" as a topic of choice? [6]

The trick is to come up with a theme to write about, but SECRETLY have as your ulterior motive the intention to express why you want to go to this college.

This is not because it is an inappropriate topic; I suggest this because you can write a powerful essay if it achieves two things at once. So, write something brilliant, a topic that concerns you and makes you want to do something meaningful in life, and in order to do that you need to attend this college because it is perfect for you in some way.

:-)
Thanks for asking this very good question!

Undergraduate / Mythology: I'm curious, is this a good essay for a HS senior? [3]

Number agreement:
It is these ideal heroes, who exist on the verge of humanity, that are the most captivating elements ...

because you can't say "are the element." Sometimes, when you need to say several things are one thing, though, you can say x, y, and z represent the element...

Because of the rule called "number agreement" I use represent to avoid having to say x, y, and z are the element.

You write very well! I am impressed. However, this needs a stronger thesis sentence, one that is arguable and distinct. Give this a SHARP thesis (i.e one that says something specific). That means you need to add a sentence to the end of para #1.

I see that your conclusion is flimsy, too! So, the thing I need to tell you is about making a thesis statement, a theme that starts with an assertion at the end of the 1st para and then is elaborated throughout the conclusion para.

body paragraphs: The space between the intro and conclusion is where you make your case through the use of topic sentences supported by explanation and example.

So, the writing is brilliant, but to perfect your composition use a thesis statement and a reflective conclusion, which both discuss the same SHARP observation you make as your thesis/theme.

Undergraduate / Fashion Buying: Personal Statement [2]

Hi Charlotte, it is hard to help if you have not written anything. If you write something, we may be able to help you sculpt it into perfection.

The most important thing to know (in my opinion) is that your statement should be a piece of writing that explains a well-defined plan for your future.

Your goal is to make the reader feel impressed and inspired by you, so that she cares whether or not you get to follow your plan.

Start by writing a paragraph about your plan. It may end up being paragraph 2, because you may go back and add an introduction paragraph in front of it.

Read some personal statements here in the forums to get good ideas.

:-)

I can't wait to see what you write...

Undergraduate / UT Anthropology Transfer Statement of Purpose Essay [9]

I don't know about the word pursuance. Does it mean anything different from the word pursuit? I guess I think your way is more correct than the way I suggest below, but I still think pursuance is a bad word! Maybe I am prejudice against it.

My pursuit of a career in anthropology is fueled by my fascination with ethnological studies of human-environmental relationships.

If you use the word ethnology, you need to cite a few ethnological research studies n this paragraph so that the reader knows you are not just trying to use an impressive word. Find a way to mention a study or two.

...being a Texas Longhorn , but exceed ...

This is truly an impressive essay. You really know your field, and the reader sees that you have a real plan for your career.

At the end here, you seem like you are patronizing the reader by speaking in terms of her/his interests:
I believe that my outstanding academic dedication to the field of anthropology would increase the scholastic ranking of the anthropology program at the University of Texas, a field that generally...

I thnk you can change it to express enthusiasm by doing this:
I believe that my outstanding academic dedication to the field of anthropology would will enable me to make contributions that can increase the scholastic ranking of the anthropology program at the University of Texas -- a field that generally...

And I changed your comma to a dash, because a dash is good for hlping manage a long sentence.

Undergraduate / Cmn. app: international issue and its importance to me: Bangladesh Poverty [2]


At this point, I am still wondering if it was a dream about a real event you remembered or if it was just a dream. It would be more convincing if the dream had some basis in memory -- even just the memory of something you had read in the news.

Well... your descriptions are terrific; you're a great writer.

predominantly doesn't fit in this sentence below:
...below poverty lines, enabling predominantly the poorest women in Bangladesh to become successful entrepreneurs.

Sometimes less is more:
...my greatest ambition: bringing Bangladesh out of poverty. with my passion for that country and justice.

This is such a powerful essay, and you really show evidence of your seriousness; the details you give make this so convincing. I'll definitely link their people to this essay as an example of a well-written piece about an aspiration to do good in the world.

Undergraduate / What led me to choose psychology - UMich Academic Interest [3]

You can reduce the word count by streamlining the first paragraph. "When I was a little girl" is a little cliched... you can express the point you make in that first para without explaining so much. Consider cutting some:

When I was a little girl, I imagined myself having the ability of mind-reading. I have always been interested to know what people are thinking and what makes them do certain things. In a dentist's room or a restaurant, my 8-year-old self could not help but stare at people in what I hoped was a discreet manner. Little details, like the way their bored eyes darted across the room or the way they scratched their heads searching for answers, fascinated me. Often, I would play a solitary guessing game, trying to comprehend their situations. (now add a sentence that tells about the school of thought in psychology that attracts you most, and the setting in which you might like to work. End the first para with this expression of your intentions.

then, paragraph 2:
As I grew older, I have abandoned my...

I don't want to cut out any sentences, because they are all so well-written. You will be a great psychologist because you have such command over language.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Recent Moscow State University bachelor in psychology came to an unknown world" [2]

Let me introduce myself here. My name is ***, and I am ** years old. Throughout all this time, I've been...

above, I added a comma: "my name is *****," and...

You write very nicely! I found one of those weird mistakes, though:
The first city on the map was Miami Beach, where I spent two years.

I have to admit that at some points in time my self-esteem of previously successful and never afraid of anything person felt far below zero.

In addition to the fact that language barriers started to disappear, I also felt like I became more interesting person. I saw myself differently from what I was a couple years ago; it was not old me anymore.

Chuck Palahniuk, one of my favorite authors, said, " The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly." In othe r words, we live to extend our "zones of proximal development."

Education is not just for preparing for a career; it is a whole separate reality, and we all should at least try it, shouldn't we?

Graduate / MBA career/goal/WHY MBA prompt. [2]


I love this first line, but you need one more sentence at the end of this first paragraph, and it has to mention the world watching once more to complete the idea. That way, the end of the first para will resolve the question raised in readers' minds.

When you put 2 sentences together as a compound sentence, use a comma:
Obtaining an MBA is crucial at this point, because I need a better understanding of topics such as...

My education and career have been focused around on various different facets of the technology field, from building communication devices in college to conducting due diligence on high-tech startups at a venture-capital firm in Taiwan.

Nice job, this is really impressive.
...because it not only provides not only a high quality MBA education, but also an opportunity to achieve two of my most important career goals: _________ and ____________. With its rigorous curriculum, I will gain valuable...

Book Reports / Tale of Two Cities Essay (the theme that love conquers hate) [2]

You have an extra comma here:
A once famous quote, now long forgotten, conveyed one man's (no comma here) views on love (Emmet Fox).

After that quote ends, you should not end the first paragraph. Instead, give one more sentence to explain the significance of the quote and what this essay will be about.

3 mistakes in this sentence:
After seventeen years of false imprisonment, Dr. Manette's mind is torn and broken due to loss of sanity , and therefore he is mentally incapable of recognizing his surroundings.

That last paragraph should include some mention of love conquering hate, because that is your chosen theme.
:-)

Graduate / Architecture: Letter of Motivation for Graduate Admission [4]

This first sentence takes too long to get to the point:
My interest in Architecture has now been so immense that I can say that my duration of 5 year's study for the entire course of Bachelor of Architecture has been a ride in wonderland.

Give the reader one idea to process, and then another. Don't give too many ideas in a single sentence.

Try to make this sentence shorter: These features would in turn explore the various design solutions that only add to enhanc e the process of achieving a concrete and harmonious solution.

After that clunky first sentence, i thought many of your sentences would be long and clunky, but I was wrong! This is beautifully written.

I have strong desire to push ahead . I plan to invest in a great deal of attention in my education to build my career.

Undergraduate / UM, Book that has made impact on you: Victor Wooten (The Music Lesson) [16]


I just noticed this discussion about Baby It, ha ha. yeah, Yang is just talking about a matter of style and not grammar. When my sister had a baby, and I asked, "What kind is it?" she thought that was so insensitive! Ha ha, so... just call the baby "her." Sometimes it is hard to tell what gender the little buggers are, so just use the word "her" instead of it, ha ha...

:-)

Undergraduate / UM, Book that has made impact on you: Victor Wooten (The Music Lesson) [16]


awesome, that is good advice. My brother also gave me some similar advice recently: If you hit the wrong note, definitely don't let it trip you up. In fact, you should take time right away to play that measure again with the same wrong note, so that it seems like you did it on purpose.

You write really well. I am a few paragraphs in, though, and wondering when you are going to start talking about that book.

Little did I realize that there was more to the game than what notes you had to play with at your disposal. or... what notes you had in your repertoire. or... what notes you had in your arsenal.

Thanks, by the way, for all the great help you have been giving other members recently!

Hey, this may be a misconception about the phrase "every so often" or it may be just a typo:
But every so often, I would find...

Many readers, for this kind of essay, prefer to see you swiftly answer the question and then explain... instead of doing a big build up before getting to the point. I suggest experimenting with a different sequence:

Paragraph 1:
The Music Lesson is Victor Wooten's first book that is not...

Then, in para #2, you can give the story about sitting on the couch, flipping channels, etc. try putting that para that introduces the book up at the top. Because that sentence you currently use as the first sentence of the whole essay is not particularly exciting anyway, not worthy of your excellent writing!

Graduate / applying Compute Integrated Manufacturing (Asia University) [6]

In my graduate studies, I had to ...
or
In our graduate studies, we had to...
but not
In my graduate studies, we had to... --- the way you did it is not wrong, but it is nice to keep the perspective consistent.

Separate this into paragraphs. Every paragraph can be 4 or 5 sentences long. Every paragraph should start with a sentence that says the main idea. Then, the rest of the paragraph should explain that idea. You give some good explanations, but show the reader that you are good enough at composition to write good paragraphs with solid topic sentences.

arts.uottawa.ca/writcent/hypergrammar/partopic.html

Undergraduate / Born scientifically inclined, I was, and still am, fascinated by the world around me - USC essay [13]

This is good writing, for sure. That first sentence seems abrupt, though, and I am thinking, "when did this happen, and what are you talking about?! You could use one explanatory sentence before it, maybe, like:

I discovered aeronautical science when I was seven years old, though I did not know it by that name at the time; I only knew that I was amazed. Every time an airplane flew pass my house, I would run outside and admire it in awe.

Undergraduate / Having a dinner with three people (dead,fictional, alive) UVA essay [9]

You can cut out a lot of words if you get rid of everything that is not helpful for what the essay tries to accomplish. For example:

(living, dead or fictional)

I chose Benjamin Franklin because he was a man of...

You can go through the essay and find lots of places where the sentences can pack a harder punch. The successfully conveyed meaning of the sentence represents your profit, and the length of the sentence represents your overhead expenses; the reason you are challenged to get down within a certain word count is because the process of REFINING your writing is a process of maintaining profit while reducing overhead expenses.

Now, you have to do the dirty work. You give nice descriptions of the three people (all males, though! I think you would do well to include some females!), and now I think you should make the essay more powerful by cutting the weakest sentence from each of the three paragraphs about the people. The more you cut, the better the essay gets.

:-)

Research Papers / Musqueam and UBC Golf Course [3]


You are clever, and I bet you will find some excellent ways to use the Internet to get things done over the years. But instead of using the Internet to get this paper to write itself, use the Internet to do some excellent research. I like questia.com for writing papers. It is SO useful!!! And it automatically generates your reference list for you.

Ask your teacher what citation style should be used. If footnotes are required, it is probably Chicago style. Remember my rule:

Make an assertion as your topic sentence, and let it grow into a paragraph. Maybe ad a citation or quotation. for every paragraph, just make an assertion of something that you learned as you read articles about it.

Every paragraph is an idea, so a 10 page paper (10 pages = about 30 paragraphs) might have about 28 ideas sandwiched between a solid intro and a solid conclusion paragraph.

Let that collection of paragraphs form, and then go back and write the intro when you are all done. Write the intro based on the paragraphs that grew from your 28 topic sentences.

:-)

Undergraduate / My art works or my through the musically inclined voice, FSU Vires Artes Mores. [9]

signify moral strength, beauty of the art, and strength of character. ---- this explanation is a little diferent than the explanation they give you as part of the prompt. I don't think it's good to start your essay by misconstruing their explanation. For example, Vires refers to all kinds of strength, not just moral strength or strength of character.

I think you should not give that explanation at the start. They already know what the words mean.

I believe over the years I have exemplified one or more of these philosophies that would make me an excellent student at Florida State University.------ when you say this, it is rather simple, and it is an example of telling someone something you want them to know instead of SHOWING them. Therefore, I suggest you rewrite the intro paragraph to express a theme that you feel good about. Attack this essay prompt by expressing a theme for the description of your personal style explained with reference to these words. What is the unique theme you will introduce in your first paragraph?

:-)

Graduate / MS in Industrial Engineering, statement of purpose [8]

This is very impressive. I just see one sentence that seems out of place:

I am particularly interested in the research activities of Dr. ______ and the Virtual Factory Laboratory. ----- I don't think this should be the first sentence of your conclusion paragraph. I think this should be in a different paragraph.

Maybe you can move that sentence and put all of this together:

...applied to manufacturing scenarios. I am particularly interested in the research activities of Dr. ______ and the Virtual Factory Laboratory. I am waiting in enthusiastic a nticipation of using the systems approach and relevant skill sets that that I have derived from my professional experiences and academic preparation to make fruitful contributions to the school of ____. I look forward to a long and mutually beneficial relationship with ______.

Graduate / From bachelor in electronics engineering to the masters in telecommunication (from UK) [5]

...from Terna Engineering College (no comma necessary here) under the...

...like to refine the knowledge and skills I have gained in pursuing a graduate study in Telecommunication field.

I think you did an excellent job with this!!

Something I like to do is look at the first sentence of every paragraph to see if they intorduce major ideas in a way that flows powerfully:

I am an undergraduate student, having done an inspiring four-year course in Electronics Engineering from Terna Engineering College, under the affinity of University Of Mumbai.

The four year undergraduate study has taught me that Engineering is as much as an art as it is a science.
My fields of interest however spread over a wide spectrum of areas.
One of the most important lessons I have learnt when I was working as a Junior Engineer is to accept both failure and success as a part of positive frame of mind.

The award winning faculty and excellent facilities at your university makes the program ideally suited to my professional goals.
In conclusion, I would like to add that the essence of University education lies in the synergetic relationship between the student and his department.

This is a powerful series of ideas! I think I will link other EF members to this thread so they can learn from your example.

Undergraduate / The Difficult of Art (you tried something for which you had no talent) [3]

I agree about the cliche. Actually, tat whole first sentence is too common and ordinary and uninteresting! A much better first sentence is this:

I thought that I was going to really well be a high achiever in art class, but I was wrong.
Now that is an interesting sentence with which to start an essay!

On that Monday, we would get our drawings back with grades on them.

Nevertheless, I was doing well when I started a drawing, but then came another problem.
I had to start learning how to paint and blend colors at the same time. Well my teacher gave everyone this big board to draw and paint on. We was had draw this circle on the board, and after that we had to paint on it -- which was very complicated for me!

However I was not really good with art and the beginning.

:-)

Undergraduate / FSU undergraduate admission essay, "My father once..." (vires, artes, mores) [4]

At first I was oblivious to the depth of his meaning. this was.

Later on in life I finally learned that my father had bee n trying...

You can get rid of some words and, if you really think about it, the sentence will still have the same meaning without being so long and watered down:

I was one who ever since I can remember picked out my own clothes, rarely asked for help on homework or projects, prepared my own food, captain of my baseball teams, etc.

Also, do not use etc. in important essays. If you have to resort to asking the reader to infer other things based on inductive reasoning, at least write "and so forth." But don't say etc. It's like saying, "Well, you know what I mean..."

:-)

Poetry / Shinigami - Death God [9]

Then I will have to have fled
Since I really hate the red.

Hey, the second is awesome! The rhythm, the way the lines grow longer here:
Death God
If death is what you sought
Then you won't get what you desire

That is a crazy build up of syllables...

I still don't understand the end, though, about the red and having to flee.

Poetry / I will get what I desire. [7]

I like the second a lot better because of "lose that thought."

I was thinking of "...you're wrong, I'm not"

Ha ha, good stuff. I don't know what looking for fire means, though.

:-)

Graduate / "economic cases from my mum" - Personal Statement for MSF [7]


p.s. means post script! You can't have your p.s. right at the top of the post, before the script! Unless... you must have meant p.s. to stand for pre-script!

:-)

Keep it all the same tense for a cool writing style:
To fulfill my dream, I realize that .... was needed.
I know that it IS needed, but, in sentences you can make it all sound soothing to the reader if you keep the verb tenses the same.

...my questions, I was eager to be a professional in business field. ---right after this sentence, I think you should end paragraph one. Your long paragraph is a lot for the reader to follow. Start para #2 this way:

So I chose the Business School in the *****University, one of the top business schools in China. During my school days, based on...-----> and continue all the way to here----> to attain a MSF. My strength can be divided into the following 3 aspects: __________, _________________, and __________________.

And that can be the end of paragraph 2.

That is a good, solid thesis statement. It is okay to have your thesis statement in paragraph 2, because that works well for this essay, which covers a lot of info. Essays that cover a lot of info often have big thesis statements, sometimes even so big that the thesis statement consists of multiple sentences. In this case, you have an appropriately complex thesis statement, and the essay is well-organized!

:-)

Undergraduate / "success as a Peace Corps Volunteer" - Peace Corp Appliation Essay #2 [2]

I just saw some excellent help you gave somebody at https://essayforum.com/scholarship-22/first-asian-house-representative-united-sates-mcdonald-15107/.

I notice this, too: Playing leadership roles that ranged from summer camp counselor, to substitute university Karate instructor, I have...

And right here, it seems kind of cocky:... always been motivated to step in and take over.

maybe like this:
...I have always felt confident about coordinating activities and communicating ideas to whole groups of people.

Undergraduate / UNC Essay The Team That Drives Fantasy Football [4]

merriam-webster.com/netdict/inopportune

I guess I think inopportune misfortune is redundant. I thought for a long time, because I'm not sure... but... I guess the reader might think you are trying too hard to use the word "inopportune."

"inopportune moment" is cliched, i think, but you could write:
One inopportune misfortune event, perhaps a slip one yard from a touchdown, and that's is all it takes to be eliminated from the fantasy football playoffs.

Essays / values (Pluralism) and organization in a work place [10]

Are we talking about moral pluralism?

For each value you promote, think of ways to promote it. One way to promote pluralism is to spread awareness of the significance of pluralism. This can be achieved by posting an article, for example, or by writing an open letter to the employees.

The plan should have three goals, so what would your goals be if you wanted people to embrace pluralism?

When you think of three goals, you can easily think of three methods.

When you think of three methods, you can easily think of what might indicate that the method is working.

Can you tell me a little about these values as they are being discussed in class? I'm curious! :-) Sounds like a great class. Did your teacher give you a good example to follow?

Undergraduate / "to achieve my goals" - FSU Application Essay - "Vires, Artes, Mores" [4]

I had to learn to be strong and collective and to except accept any unexpected situation that came into my life. This situation taught me the power of wisdom.

My mother's courage and endurance throughout her disease exposed me to most of the strengths I carry with me today. ------- I think that must be true! Suffering is where wisdom comes from. This is a powerful part of the essay.

It is an extremely easy task for me to never give up in anything I do or bring myself down from anything I am unable to accomplish. No, this is not expressed well, but I know you can do better! Write a sentence that uses some key words that represent resilience.

During my freshman year, I was accepted to the...

You can make this a classic, five-paragraph essay. Above, you have a para about vires and a part of the conclusion paragraph. Write a para for artes and a para for mores, and then go back and write an intro by continuing this sentence: Fortunately, I am able to say that the ideas behind the words "Vires, Artes, Mores" are all reflected in my life in some way or another.

I can't wait to see what you come up with!

Book Reports / Essay on Structural Violence as Explained by Paul Farmer's Anthropology [5]

Here is an idea:
...a blinding wall that divides the rich and the poor.

not necessary, though...just an idea.

...even in their own lives by the structural violence of societies.


ha ha, sounds like you think your essay is boring. Well, when you are writing about some other person's work, your ability to control whether the content is boring is limited! But if you get a little idea, a little inspiration about a meaningful theme, your writing is touched by it, and you can convey a little extra insight. It might not happen if this work by Farmer does not inspire you, but if it does inspire you, you can let your writing reflect that inspiration.

Your writing is seriously excellent.

Graduate / sop - post grad. in environment technology. [3]

Once I accompanied my father to the outskirts of our city. On the way, I saw a huge dump of garbage. Upon inquiring, I was told that this is the city dumping ground and our city is responsible for this. That was the day I knew of what I want to be in life.

...to the unplanned and severe exploitation... ---- it always was planned. :-)

Professionally, I want to hold a position where I can hone my knowledge and capabilities to research and to innovate products which lead us to the path of everlasting and eco-friendly human development.----- very nicely written!

From the beginning Environment conservation and sustainable development are major concerns in my life.

General sciences and mathematics has always been an areas of interest for me during my schooling.

I am confident about meeting the high standards at BTH.

:-)

Nice job!! This reflects intelligence and seriousness.