Undergraduate / Nepal -- small land lock country, Tufts supp- [4]

Asnika, I had to delete a lot of responses you gave people, because they didn't provide and ideas or useful feedback. Please spend a little more time helping people to improve their writing!

:-)

Undergraduate / Main Common App Essay--An Experience that Impacted You [2]


You have such an elegant writing style, very nice sentences.

Okay, this essay is beautifully written, and the only real problem I can identify is that you force the reader to follow you through the story, never knowing what the theme is going to be. Rather than keeping the meaning of the story as a surprise to reveal near the end, introduce it at the start and then surprise the reader with "something extra" at the end.

So, I think you should move this sentence to the beginning of paragraph 2:
Most vividly I remember time spent with...

So paragraph 2 will look like this:
Most vividly I remember time spent with friends and family, and the infectious optimism and pride that I felt when I went down there. As time passed, however, the trips were far less pleasant. The gardens

This will leave para #1 ending with this sentence:
...big cones of dulce de leche ice cream. ---> but right after this sentence, before ending para #1, I think you should give a thesis sentence that captures the meaning of the whole essay in a single sentence.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Learning the Guitar"- My Common Application Essay [5]

...box into my nervous hands.----> I don't know how to explain why, but it is better without "nervous!" :-)


I KNOW! It's so terrible when you are a beginner and can't tune it very well, so everything sounds awful...

...until I learned my first three chords, A, C, and E. ---> I think if you play A, E, and D together it has a nicer sound! I dn't know if A, C, and E fit together. More importantly, I don't know if they fit at the end of this first paragraph! The end of the first paragraph is supposed to be a sentence that leaves a thought to linger in the reader's mind so s/he can figure out what the essay is all about.

How about telling the reader about A, C, and E as part of paragraph 2, and end paragraph one with a thesis statement that captures the meaning of the whole essay in a single sentence. :-)

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Admisson essay-Universty of Illinois essay - Community service [7]

Here is an idea I had:

This advent has added a much valuable face to my personality. I mention this experience as part of my application, because I hope it might reflect the more admirable parts of my personality and help me to present myself in a positive light.

I don't know how I feel about the effect this would have, but I wanted to get rid of that sentence about an advent adding face to your personality.

:-)

Undergraduate / Person's character - Florida State University Essay: Mores [5]

Yes, you do not refer to any of the 3 virtues in that first paragraph. I think you should add a sentence to that first paragraph -- a sentence that poses a question:

...vital characteristic that has forever changed my character: forgiveness. Within the framework of Vires, Artes, and Mores, where does the concept of forgiveness belong?

After adding this "guiding thesis statement" in the form of a question, you will have to revise the other paragraphs so that they discuss, and eventually answer this question.

Do you practice forgiveness as an art, is it a byproduct of strength, or is it a matter of Mores?

Undergraduate / My goal is major in mechanical engineering and enhancing the unmanned technology, especially in cars [3]

Today, engineering has become a crucial subject for our society, and without engineering society would just regress back to the Stone Age. In fact, our society asks ...

My goal is to succeed as a mechanical engineering major and enhance the field of unmanned technology, especially in cars or military weapons and I make my mind to Ohio State University for achieving my goal.

I guarantee while I'm studying in Mechanical Engineering Department in O.S.U, my knowledge and communication skills will improve, and I can make a meaningful contribution to this field throughout the duration of my career. have better career than other college students.

Undergraduate / SYRACUSE SUPPLEMENT: # 2 ( WORK EXPERIENCE) ANY INPUT? [3]

I have always been a As a teen ager with serious long-term goals, I have been motivated by my longing for independence and adventure. One important milestone in this process toward independence and adventure is represented b y my first paid work experience. I have been employed at...

I don't know if that would improve it or not; it is just the idea that came to mind for me...

I work as a Sales Associate, which entails me to selling the merchandise in the store and catering to all customers. I am referred to as the "Floor Force" by my fellow co-workers due to my efficient customer service and fast pace. ---> right here, add one more sentence and then end the paragraph.

Let paragraph 2 be about your many responsibilities there, but end paragraph 1 with a thesis statement about your main idea for the whole essay.

Then, before you begin to describe your job responsibilities in paragraph 2, give a topic sentence for paragraph 2 that says something about multitasking in relation to your main idea.

I hope I explained that in a way that is helpful... that is how you can establish a clear theme for the essay, a memorable theme.

Graduate / Mechanical Engineer Grad Admission Essay Masters of Engineering [4]


Your research includes everything you have studied for fun, out of passion. You probably have researched many subjects related to your chosen field. If you do not own a few books about this field, maybe it is not the right field! If you do own some books about it, these books represent your areas of research. I understand that the more relevant research would be rigorous academic research, but... if you have not yet done that, refer to your personal research.

As for the irrelevance of your employment... if you are clever, you can brilliantly talk about your irrelevant current employment in a way that reflects the perspective of someone who was born to do what you intend to do in grad school.

Don't capitalize high school.
that first paragraph barely says anything at all. Express an opinion, an ideal... express a concern. Give the essay a theme by doing something DISTINCT with the first paragraph.

After the first paragraph, the essay gets very good! You are quite impressive. I think you should rewrite the first para based on a theme you draw from the main ideas of the body paragraphs. What is the moral of the whole story?

Undergraduate / 'comfortable expressing one's opinion' - Haverford: Honor Code Essay [3]

...free thinking among students and teachers. In order to create this environment, I think it is necessary for ...

You could make the first paragraph better by adding one more sentence to give a concept that unites these essential elements you listed. What is the underlying principle common to them all? Capture it in a sentence, and add that sentence to the end of para #1.

You do not mention the word collegial at all in the essay. You should read about the concept of collegiality in educational environments. Google it, and discuss it in the essay.

Also:
Because of this, some ordinarily high-achieving students performed poorly on tests and developed a strong dislike for this teacher and did not want to talk to him about physics -- or anything else for that matter.

:-)

Undergraduate / A. The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System [2]


That is an important observation! The into and conclusion frame the essay and provide its structure. Topic sentences are quite important in this way, too.

You might want to move this sentence fro the beginning of para #1 to the beginning of para #2: Colleges showcase the different perspectives that students bring from around the world.

It has nothing to do with the rest of paragraph one! Paragraph one is about how you came to this decision about what you want to do. Move that first sentence to the start of para #2, and then add a sentence to the end of paragraph one. that will make it so that the sentence where you list the topics of the essay will be in the middle of para #1, and you can END para #1 with a thesis statement that gives a THEME to go with the paragraph topics.

Get inspired, think of what that theme is, and add it to the end of paragraph one. It is a theme that involves your background, school environment, and volunteer work.

Undergraduate / " Volunteer, not so you can build your resume, but so you can build yourself" [2]


Yeah, likely story! At the start of the essay, making this assertion does not do any good, because it has no credibility. It is better not to make it yet. I'll do some surgery here:

This quote isn't from a movie, book, or essay, but one that has stuck with me for a very long time. I am very active in my community, not so I can put it down on college apps, but so I can become a better person. When I was 10, I wanted to join...

Okay, and your explanation about HFH and the girl scouts is very nice. However, one big problem is that your theme is that you did community work in order to build yourself rather than in order to enhance college apps, but here you are using it on a college app! Ha ha, so that is sort of funny, but the reader probably will not judge you for it. However, I think it might be nice, either near the beginning or the end of the essay, to ACKNOWLEDGE this self-contradiction in a light-hearted way, perhaps with self-depreciating humor.

Undergraduate / making a successful musical - my additional information for uva [4]

Before I was involved in Jekyll and Hyde (is this the full name of the show?) last year, I did not really have much interest in the musical theatre.

Finally, we could get attention from the audience, and our work for three months has been successful. This spring, I have one more chance to cooperate with talented people. We hope to create the most coordinated, inspired work our audience has ever seen.

Good, this shows some great enthusiasm. Can you add a sentence to tell about how this kind of performance is related to your chosen professional field or program of study?

Undergraduate / BU: Defining myself with passion for life, sense of humor and dedication [2]

My passion for life is a defining characteristic of my nature. (I cross out tis first sentence because it is so ambiguous and confusing.) For good or ill, I a feel intensely drawn toward adventure, r isk and excitement. I choose to explore the overgrown trail while hiking, and I drive a couple of miles further into...

I think the theme would be more powerful if you write "Humor and Dedication" instead of "Sense of Humor and Dedication"

I like the general idea a lot, but it seems like too much me me me talk. It is hard to avoid saying I think this and I do that, because the essay is about you, but I think as you revise you might want to (pontificate?) a little more, expressing ideas objectively instead of saying "I" this and "me" that.

:-)

Undergraduate / Getting a Little-Bit Closer - Amherst Supplement Essay [2]


I don't know what the purpose of the word "conveniently" is in that sentence.

This raises a lot of questions and creates confusion. This part seems a little contrived, playing that "I resisted peer pressure card: "or even the pressure from my peers to be a part of things that I knew weren't right" ... :-)

You say you felt like failure was inevitable, but you also say people told you you were headed for success -- and that you question the nature of "success" as you understood it. But it seems contradictry to also say you felt like failure was the only possible result.

Lastly, it would be better if the essay expressed this idea, as in the quote, that success is more satisfying if you overcame many obstacles.

Scholarship / Scholarship: inspiration from faure [3]


Very nice! Your writing is like a symphony, too!

This part confuses me: Conductor Cedel of University of Georgia dragged out a stereo from the storage room. "Listen to...---> It left me so confused about who was saying these words! Can you add a few words to tell the reader who is saying this? Or, you might want to omit the quote, because I think the rest of the paragraph is so powerful.

This epiphany made me reconsider---> when you say this, are you talking about the way she acted out the stretching sound? If so, I think you should specify that for the reader. This experience made me understand the profundity of expressing one concept through both sound and movement. This epiphany made me reconsider...

:-)

Undergraduate / The unexamined life is unworth living- Stanford [5]


Hi Shannon, this sentence above is quite chaotic. I think I know what you mean, but you have to really clarify it: Although the accrual of knowledge has produced catastrophic results (i.e. "weapons of mass destruction"), I believe that it also can be the key to avoiding further catastrophe in the future.

I think this is a little like what you are trying to say, right? I don't think you have to include the part about not wanting to "sit back and be ignorant"...

Overall, I really think this essay makes a good impression!

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay- Costume [3]

This should be a comma rather than a semi-colon:
The wind blows toward him while he stands there like a rock , his cape wavering wildly in the back.

Now, at the end of the essay you write about "childhood days of battling evil and rescuing fair maidens," but this is not really what the essay is about. The essay should be about a special point you are making by using the costume as a metaphor or symbol. What is represented by the costume? That is what you have to decide.

Undergraduate / Why CMU: My interest in Neurology [4]

At Carnegie Mellon University, I would like to pursue a major in Biological Sciences with focus on neurosciences.The human brain is the most fascinating organ of the human body. As a child, I always wondered about...

I scratched out that weak sentence because it was like a weed sucking the nutrients from the rest of the paragraph.

My limited modest amount of experience enables me to appreciate the value of multi-disciplinary approach in research.

This is very impressive! I think you will do well with this. You write without errors, and you seem very clear-headed.

Undergraduate / BU "Three adjectives that describe yourself" Essay [8]

Oh no! That's unlucky. Well, maybe it will be beneficial after all...

...certain characteristics that have deemed themselves beneficial to others and myself.---> the characteristics don't deem themselves anything. You can write:
...certain characteristics that have proven to be beneficial to others and myself. ----> Okay, now right here at the end of the first para is the most important part of the essay. It is the part where you give the reader the main idea. If you want to focus on the fact that you gained beneficial skills, tell what they are here at the end of the first para. Tell how they will help in your chosen professional field.

Yes, I think at the end of the first para you should list the skills: organization, public speaking, etc.

Growing up, I was a reserved child; however, my involvement in the MUN program required me to let go of my shy nature.

Dissertations / selection of Ph. D. Topic. on Network Security [5]

Well, when I google this, I find a lot of good examples of studies that have been done, like this one: portal.acm.org/citation.cfm?id=1522762[/url]

So, now your challenge is to carefully read every study that has been done in the past few years on this subject. Each study will probably have a literature review that explains the current state of understanding. You will probably find a study, similar to the one you have in mind, that SUGGESTS further research with attention to particular aspects of the process. By reading what others have learned, you'll discover what the best focus is for your research at this particular time in the history of Network Intrusion Detection Systems and Support Vector Machines.

Undergraduate / UChicago "In The Spirit of Adventure" Essay (fun, as UChicago essays often are) [2]


Well said!

...printed on a small, beige name tag.

I am very impressed as I read this. You keep the reader quite entertained, and this is impressive because of the strange nature of the challenge to write about turkey and Turkey.

Having to quit work for school, and, consequently, having to quit my new dwelling amongst the Turks, became somewhat was frustrating because of...

Undergraduate / Amherst-'Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat.... [2]

I am a sports fanatic, although I do not play for any club besides school teams. Regardless, I still enjoy watching and playing sports for recreation. Although I had all the basic training - which allowed me to swim without supervision - in 2006 I had not swum in three years, and it was my first time swimming at a competitive level.

...we agreed that I would assist in time keeping and preparation of participants.

Constantly taking five-second breaks and trying my best, I pushed with inanimate ineffective strokes.

This is great! I thought it was going to be a typical essay about a victory, but instead you describe having to take 5 second breaks! Very good!

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements: short answers plus Why Stanford [3]

As I got my first iPod, I was pleasantly surprised to find Stanford among the first to offer iTunes University programs. From there, I was transported---> When you say "As I got my first iPod," it loses my attention for some reason. I think it is because you so abruptly introduce the idea of an iPod and present yourself as a little kid getting his first iPod. I guess i think you should scrap the section about the iPod but keep the description of how her lecture affected you...

I think you should assertively explain that you were very busy with tutoring and your ventures as an entrepreneur. Make up for the mediocre grades by being confident and enthusiastic.

It makes me think of how critical it is to have an interdisciplinary understanding of any situation. No one anticipated it and the exact dynamics that happened at that time would have been interesting to witness. History may be written by winners, but it is also one of the greatest teachers for the future. If you scratch out this cliche at the end, the rest of this response is quite distinct and clear.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - London Business Trip [2]

Despite the many people who did not believe I could succeed...

Okay, I think you should cut out 300 words of material that focuses on you being young and traveling. Make it so that this focuses on your job. Focus on this as a professional experience, and do not mention your age. I think this has great potential if you focus on the trip as a professional experience and let the reader come to her own conclusion about the fact that it is impressive for you to be doing this at age 18.

You write so well!! Can you somehow incorporate biochemical research into the theme of this essay some more? For example, does your experience with this job have anything to do with your aspirations in biochemical research?

Undergraduate / Cornell College of Engineering Essay [2]

I think your whole first paragraph is too general and it should be cut. I really like your paragraph 2, though! Do you want to start the essay like this? ----> Ever since I was a kid watching my father work as an engineer, I have been interested in engineering. Whenever one of my toys broke, I would sit...

This (above) is an excellent way to start an essay. The reader is suddenly there with you taking something apart.

I was amazed by the diversity of solutions developed by my peers, and I would often tak e note of how the strengths ...

Additionally, the ability to study and even research different various engineering principles will make me a better problem-solver, skillful with the use of critical thinking, which will be crucial when I begin my study of and allow me to use these skills in the future, where I plan to medicine.

Graduate / SOP for a Social Psych PhD program [7]

I blew on the wooden surface twice and then stepped back to study my handiwork.

...prepared my ten year-old self for the wonders of Egypt. ---> now, this sentence should do more than just introduce the idea of going to Egypt. It should give the theme of the essay, so that the main idea of your essay lingers in the reader's mind at the end of that first paragraph.

I am tremendously excited to combine these two...---> I think you can do better than 'tremendously excited' !!

This stuff, too -- this is sort of meaningless high speech: My diverse background has instilled in me a passion to fearlessly explore the unknown and... The trick is to give one solid impression, something distinct. As this is now, i is a little like your life's story; I suggest going back to the beginning and giving the essay a THEME so that each paragraph tells your story in light of a certain theme. That way, the essay will convey a powerful message through its theme while you tell your story.

Undergraduate / The child survival - my application essay. [3]

This essay is excellent, all except for the beginning. the beginning is confusing! I think you should begin the essay with this sentence:
"I prayed the God that I would accept any kind of misery if he saved your life. Difficulties can be overcome with perseverance but you are the one whom if I lose, I cannot retrieve".

(now give a brief description of the circumstances of birth.) Now this powerful statement: she had to practice the promise.

She gave birth to me in time when...

Do you like the idea of starting with that quotation about her prayer?

also:
Is it too simple if I my only dream is to deserve her innumerable (think of a different word besides innumerable) love?

Dissertations / A research area in a PhD in Speech Writing [2]

Well, the thing to do is look for articles about this topic. Find every article you can about this topic, and read them. Some of those articles even suggest that further research should be done in one way or another, and it can give you ideas for your research.

Lots of studies like the one you suggest have already been done, so it is great if you can find a particular theme; for example, applied linguistics in speeches from 2009. You can narrow it in an interesting way, such as focusing on military speeches or political speeches, etc. As you read studies that are similar to the one you propose, you will get good ideas.

Undergraduate / Community essay. School of Engineering and Applied Science . UPENN [2]

I think your first sentences take too long to get to the point:
Growing up in Dubai, I has been a great influence in my life. I have a passion for engineering after seeing the have witnessed the development of globally-renowned engineering projects such as Burj Dubai, The World, Palm Islands and...

I think it is nicer if you trim it down that way.

...and I think the social and the academic communities of the University of Pennsylvania will allow me to do so. ----> this is a very nice way to introduce the idea that you are interested in the school, but you CAN say something more specific, more descriptive of you. Every applicant could make this statement. End your first paragraph with a statement that is specific instead. Give your personal attitude toward the situation.

Undergraduate / 'a class of three thousand' - what makes stanford a good place for you! [2]

In this essay, the first paragraph seems to end just before it finishes asserting a strong thesis statement. What will be the theme of this essay, the expression or example of the community you observe at Stanford.

Give your own excellent perspective on the community, and then use the rest of the essay to express specifically how that community is right for you.

:-)

Undergraduate / United States Air Force Academy Writing Samples - Interest/Challenge/Dillema [2]

A colon is better here:
...fields, namely: pilot, navigator...

There honestly is no particular field which calls me; any career in the Air Force is worth having. ----> I think this sentence could be written in a way that expresses something affirmative rather than something nullifying. Instead of "there is no..." you can write, "there are many..."

extensive cooking. I don't think extensive if a good word to use for it.

...and everyone understood the importance of tolerance .

Undergraduate / "Setting Werther Free"--Common App Essay [10]


For this part above, you need to capitalize English and change the word until into the word when.

Now, at the end of that first paragraph, I see that change is central to the theme of the essay and of the book you are describing. Let's see if that theme is upheld in a cool way throughout the body paras and conclusion..

I see that para #2 has little to do with change... here is an idea to make it more interesting: I even laughed aloud as I read a passage describing Werther's intense observation of a water droplet. I had done the same...

Moderation and independence have nothing to do with change in this essay. What kind of a thesis would be supported by a discussion of life's journey, moderation, and independence... it seems like "change" is abandoned, because it does not appear again in the whole essay! Change your thesis statement to refer to something that will be supported by those body paragraphs; that is my idea.

You write very well, by the way! I just want to align that thesis with the body paragraphs.

Undergraduate / JHU Supplement Essay (50 majors across the Art and Sciences schools) [8]

Every day is two words when used the way you used it. Everyday as one word is an adjective. :-)

And Above all, I want to help those in caught in conflicts among nations, warfare , poverty, and or natural disasters.

Graduate / A graduate admission essay (MS of Accounting) [4]

He always told me, "It is important for a...

...is restricted by its accounting ability." ---> right here, after this sentence, write a sentence that gives your most important message for the whole essay. Read the essay again, decide on the most important message, and write it as a sentence right here.

THEN, start paragraph 2:
After I have taken numerous courses in accounting, financing and accounting...

It is good to tell about these experiences, definitely! It is also good to tell about academic achievement, but sometimes experience is even more important. The most important part of this is to make it so that there is a "moral to the story," a special truth that you represent. Show your philosophy of life a little bit, and let it serve as a "frame" around your essay. Give your main theme, your main idea, in both the first and last paragraph.

After achieving the MBA degree, I will devote myself entirely to be an accounting manager in the Information Technology Industry, which is full of inspiration and innovation . I make this choice because...

Graduate / Requesting feedback on SOP for MS in Computer Science (US universities) [4]

Only one "as", and I'll also ass dashes to help manage the sentence:
KV Doraiswamy -- "KVD Master" as he was popularly known -- was an English professor and also family friend is the person behind my strong desrie to pursue MS in Computer Science.---> do you like it this way?

no need for a hyphen: undergraduate course.

The versatility and complexity of computers had fascinated me ever since my childhood, and it was my dream to ...

Nice job! The way you end your first para, though, should give the reader the main message that you want to convey. Is your important message, "I want to apply," or can you come up with a more specific theme for this?


What confuses the reader is the term KVD Master. Could we just refer to the question asked by a teacher, "Are you comprimising?" without naming the teacher? Naming the teacher like this in the first para makes it seem like the essay is about this teacher. It is best to come up with a main theme for your essay, for your aspirations. Give the reader something to remember you by.

It is not so important to worry about whether the reader understands the CS and electrical depts being different in Pakistan. What is important is to write about your unique viewpoint and motivation, your unique passion. I think you are off to a good start!

:-)

Undergraduate / Upenn Optional essay: My Goal in Life [4]

I think they have a purpose for specifying page 217 out of 300. It is to ask you to look to the future. To be fair, it certainly is possible that someone would write an autobiography in high school, but I believe the intention of the prompt is to ask you to give a glimpse into the future as you envision it.

As I got older, I realized the complexity of the... ---> when you write this way, it does not seem like an autobiography. It seems like an essay about your youth. Again, this is appropriate if you are writing your bio at age 17, but I just don't think that is their intention.

You do write very well. the only mistake I see is this run on sentence:

I wanted to gather help, everywhere I turned people were supportive.
Do it like this:
I wanted to gather help; everywhere I turned people were supportive.
or:
I established a mindset for gathering help, and everywhere I turned people were supportive.

Graduate / Questions on Strengths& Weaknesses [3]

One of the most impressive things you can do is discuss a weakness. I feel like I am perfect for a MSW program, because I genuinely care about people, but I also worry that I will encounter adversity because of my social anxiety. I am very sensitive, and this makes me a good resource to friends and associates, but it also makes me feel self-conscious! This is my dilemma.

Your job here is not to try to make the reader think you are going to be the best politician/physician/teacher in the world. Your job is to introduce yourself. What is your situation? Just open up and be real, and as you discuss strengths and weaknesses be sure to focus on your resolute state of mind, your commitment to overcome your adversity and help others do the same in this program to which you are applying.

Essays / Role for teachers in the classroom and computers - about this topic? [5]

Thu Ba, it sounds to me like Sung Tung is looking for help with the English language. You are a great person to help with that, and your offer is very nice.

Sung Tung, I think you should do a word search here at essayforum to find other essays about "classroom" and "computer." Are you having a hard time writing in English? Like Thu Ba said, i think you have to start writing, and then we will help.

Start by answering this question:
What can a teacher do that a computer cannot do?

I hope you understand my question. What makes a teacher better than a computer?

Tell your answer, and a discussion will start. From that discussion, you can get good ideas for your essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App: Bringing Diversity [4]

...diverse young woman emerged from that naïve little girl.---- a woman can't emerge from a little girl. You should say ...young woman appeared in place of that naïve little girl.

The plastic tree grew, and the lights brightened , but that exuberant smile faded, much like the rust colored edges of the album itself.

As I continue to read this, it makes me worry that the AO reader might perceive this essay as the rant of a teenager who is having "typical" teenage rebellion. I do NOT mean to suggest that I think you are wrong; your mother could be every bit as negligent as you describe her to be, for all I know. But when you write, "her single mother would no longer have to break promises, work over time on holidays..." it seems clear that your single mother is struggling quite a bit, too. Nobody likes to work overtime on holidays.

Worst case scenario, you will seem to the reader like a teenager who lacks emotional intelligence. Bast case scenario, you will only look like someone who does not have very much compassion. You have to be hurting quite a bit to make your mother's negligence the subject of this kind of essay. Just as you would not try to make a god impression on a new acquaintance by speaking badly about someone, you will have trouble making a good impression on the AO by speaking badly about someone. Anytime you hear someone give a one-sided version of a story coupled with negative remarks about the other person involved, it makes you have to feel skeptical, and maybe even uncomfortable.

I think you should try to express compassion in this essay; compassion is most impressive, because it reflects wisdom.

Undergraduate / Engineering Planned course of study; UVA supplement [9]

This whole first paragraph is all too obvious! Do not give the dictionary.com definition of engineering. That is a very simplistic approach. Instead, disclose your slightly sideways philosophy of life, your need to create and innovate.

This is obvious, too:
It is a field that I am eager to explore and use to reinforce and develop technology in the future.----> this does not say anything except that you want to enter the field, because of course you will develop technology. Instead of saying the obvious things, tell them about your real thoughts, your personal thoughts, your worries, your weaknesses, and most importantly tell them about your specific plan that you are determined to carry out.

You express that plan very well here:


But you are still being very obvious here:


It is better to assume that the reader knows engineers are involved with technology and speak to the reader about the unique "personality" of your process, your role as an engineer. You have done that quite well with some parts of this, so it is those parts that should be emphasized. The fact that you cite a 3% increase in salary, and joined NSBE... these are very good. Fill the essay with substantial reflection and reasoning, and do not state the obvious or speak in generalities.

:-)