Undergraduate / 'No difficulties living in an English speaking environment' - Cincinnati statement [4]

I believe I won't ---don't believe I'll have many difficulties living in an English speaking environment.

English is not only just a foreign language to me; it's a joy, a hobby, a passion.

In my junior year I was one of the five students to chosen to represent our school when we competed in an English contest for honor students between three districts.

Getting used to American culture and lifestyle is another thing I am not very worried about.

My knowledge about America and my English skills have improved considerably.

I am a sociable person, I love being with, and interacting with people.

I am confident in my capabilities and am looking forward to becoming a part of UC.

I believe I will be a---?- -- member and help making our community diverse and energetic.

:)

Graduate / 'Drawn to special needs children' - Speech Language Pathology-Grad School [2]

I have been doing ABA therapy with Steven for a while now, and have been able to see great improvements in his speech and other cognitive skills.

I've been a care-provider for a family with a child with Autism and I've also had numerous volunteer experiences with individuals with special needs throughout college.

I would love to continue to work within this field as an SLP and help children with Autism to improve and develop their necessary language skills.

I am extremely eager and excited to continue on my journey towards becoming a speech language pathologist.

...to achieve these goals and will prepare me for a career in which I can help others communicate and express themselves to their fullest.

Good luck with school and have fun! Some of my favorite people are autistic!

:)

Letters / 'strong leadership, analytical thinking and communication skills' Resume Cover Letter [2]

I am interested in applying for the ... position. As a ... student at ... University, preparing to graduate in 2012, I have...

I think that I would benefit greatly by being part of your company, which provides amazing career opportunities.

I am also confident that I would be a valuable asset. to your company.

Good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / Daydreamer -- poetry-like [5]

Don't you have chores to do? People waiting for you? ---The question marks were not up against the end of the words.

You are an amazing poet! I read this 4 times and it is beautiful. The only thing I would change is where you wrote daydreamer as 2 words, after saying, 'I like the word...

Again, beautiful poem. Good luck with school and keep writing!

:)

Graduate / 'my interest in control science' - SOP for applying System Engineer [3]

Furthermore, I also co-authored a paper with Prof. Wang, investigating the synchronization problem of complex networks containing switching behaviors on both its nodes and the network topology.

In addition to these research activities, as a leader of a research group, I also wrote and received funding from Huazhong University of Science and Technology to support our research project in the next year.

By working in and leading a team, my interpersonal and leadership skills have been enhanced, and more importantly, I became more aware of the intricacies and significance of working within a group.---This is great!

Since my extensive research, I am deeply impressed by the research environment of the Division of XXX at XXX University for its leading research in the area of discrete event systems.

The opportunity to enter the Ph.D program will be highly appreciated, and I promise to return the favor with high-quality research work.

They'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck and have fun.

:)

Graduate / Statement of Intent for Ph. D admission in Peace Studies [2]

... I had been involved day and night in negotiations for devising appropriate mandates and effective operational guidelines for successful peacekeeping operations.

In countries such as Angola in 1993 and in Rwanda in 1994, severe and tragic violence happenedensued after the negotiation of the peace agreement.

In searching for the answer to that question, I started doing research on peace building .

The approach will start with initial group formation for immediate economic interests that would ultimately transcend over other basic necessities including health, education, sanitation , employment generation and security.

The research work for developing such a model will be buttressed by my experience of voluntary community level work in Bangladesh, formidable...

My first hand experience in community work suggests that if the dormant aspire of better could be roused ---I don't understand what you mean by this!

My interests in the Ph. D programme of Notre Dam peace studies emanated from my interaction with the professors of Kroc Institute in Oslo while attending a course in preventive diplomacy in 2009.

Their approach to peace negotiation, reconciliation and resolving conflict and the prominence of the institute and its faculty impressed me.

Should I be admitted, I would be interested in majoring in Political Science and Peace Studies so that I can fit the people centric development approach into the political process for establishing sustainable peace.

I will be interested in working with Professors Robert C. Johansen, Alexandra Guisinger, George A. Lopez Daniel Philpott and Jessica Collett so that I can blend my project putting due emphasis on peacebuilding by addressing social inequality and causes of conflict.

Your essay is great, as it shows how dedicated and serious you are about your studies. You sure have had a very interesting life so far, and they will be lucky to have you as a student. Most of the minor things I corrected, were just things you would have noticed if you just read the essay aloud to yourself. Good luck in all you do, and enjoy school!

:)

Undergraduate / 'some animals are more equal than others' - ApplyTexas: Topic B [2]

This troubling statistic does not coincide with the beliefs that this country was founded upon.

To avoid our country from becoming a theocracy, our Founding Fathers established a government that separated the church from state. Therefore, the Bible has absolutely no standing in American law. ---Good point!

Being a gay student in high school, it irritates me whenever I hear that gays shouldn't marry because they would be unfit parents.

Tolerance of homosexuals is being condoned in public schools, butnot promoted .

The deleterious effects of making callowness the norm truly show how far our nation must go to truly acquire freedom.---I think you should replace one of these with another word. (truly)

I'm proud to say that one of my daughters was the president of PFLAG in high school!
Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Tulane personal Statement Essay- My experience in dance [2]

Great opening paragraph!!

My dedication and persistence have helped me overcome my moments of discouragement.

My mom would always tell me to try to be great at everything that I choose to do, and with that kind of work ethic in mind I have never given up on anything that I have set my mind on doing.

For me as a performer, there is no structural way to explain how a dancer takes choreography and adapts it into her own interpretation and feelings of the story.

My choreographer was Jenna Matus, and on Christmas her mother died, so I was choreographed to dance as her late mother who had cancer.

Even though I had never met Jenna's mom, she has taught me to value the special bond between people and the beauty that it offers to life.

It continues to amaze me that without words or acting, dance is able to communicate to different cultures and languages something so powerful that it could make people cry, laugh, love, smile, hate, fear, and more.

This is such an interesting subject, and a well written essay. It does seem as if it could use one last sentence. Maybe it's the last 2 words that seem out of place, as 'and more' is very vague. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'distorted as a result of Hollywood movies and TV shows' - A&M Crossing Boarders [5]

Many people live their whole lives in one place, never traversing more than thirty miles from their parents.

They have the same group of friends their entire lives, and avoid change like it's the plague.

I believe a humans can not grow intellectually in such a narrow minded environment.---What would make it a narrow minded environment? I don't think 'narrow minded' is what you want to say here. How about culturally unaware, something like that?

While physically they mature, they never progresses from a young teenager's ignorant and racist mind.---Wouldn't this only be the case if their parents are ignorant and racist?

If they were by chance to meet someone from a different country they would be quite astounded in realizing every single stereotype was false and they would find a person similar to his or her self.

I think you might be stereotyping people who do not travel far from home! It is possible to stay in one place and still be culturally aware and not ignorant or racist! I know what you're saying, it just needs some clarification and maybe a few more examples besides South Park!

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Striving to become better' - Personal Quality (Competition) [3]

Almost every day I wake up from my bed groggy and tired.

Even in middle school, my goal was to be better than everyone else.

I have then realized that hard studying pays off in the long run, regardless of how tedious it can be.

After all of my hard work, I have realized that I am now one of the fastest people in my drumline to learn and sight read sheet music.

My dedication and competitive nature have driven me to become a better musician.

Competition is what drives workers as well as students to always put out full effort in their goal to succeed in life.

Nice! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Very active @ Houston Community Club; TRANSFER to UT Austin / SOP [2]

Here are some places where you will probably find all the advice and encouragement you need to write a fine essay!

Then send it here for an edit!

wikihow.com/Write-a-Statement-of-Purpose
statementofpurpose.com
uni.edu/~gotera/gradapp/stmtpurpose.htm

Undergraduate / 'benefit from the experience' unique characteristics do I posses to contribute to UCF [3]

Not only would I gain something from the experience, but I feel I have exceptional characteristics that could be used as an advantage to the school's community.

If someone were to ask friends or acquaintances of mine for a few words describing me, I'm sure they'd inform them of my great time management skills, that I am extremely outgoing, helpful, hardworking, and that I love being in a position of leadership.

Along with the title were responsibilities like attending and competing at every competition and helping to recruit new members to the club.

I must also act as a mentor to some, be a successful student who upholds the school's expectations, and to be aware of and comfortable dealing with conflicts amongst my peers.

I know I am a student who is willing to take on a significant time commitment towards the university; whether it's for my actual classes, a sorority, community service, etc.

I plan to take full advantage of my college experience by being involved and helping assist in as many school activities as possible.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / ' My association with BOSCH' - ISB ESSAY FOR PGP [6]

Having worked in a Technical Function area as a Tool Design engineer wherein itwhich requires a high degree of communication right from a shop floor associate to a Plant Head, Group Leaders and Range Heads, prompt solutions to critical problems and daily management of product release, has honed and enriched my inherent skills.---This sentence is just long enough to be confusing!

I now wish to pursue a career in the field of Operations Management, enabling me to make better decisions and come up with better solutions in the quest of solving complex practical problems.

To realize my aspirations, I will need core skills in operations management that I do not possess today, which will help me to gain insights into the operations management domain.

The MBA program from ISB will help me to achieve my goals by providing me with the required foundation.

This philosophy coupled with its outstanding faculty and curriculum will be invaluable in preparing me for my planned goals .

They'll be lucky to have you as a student!
Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'What makes me, me?' - Howard University addmission [4]

What makes me, me? In my opinion, to determine what makes you, ---No comma here.--- you, you have to think of the life around you.

My mother wanted to get me prepared, as we will have to move to a different country one day, where I will be obligated to attending an English school, so I...

Joining into a British society, I consider it as being more like an advantage to experience another culture which is one of my interests.

What makes me me, is where I'm from and how I have been brought up, to be a young, striving, intelligent, respectable young g irl.

Excellent! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Marketing + 'My mother and I' - UC Personal Statements [2]

Uniqueness is one of the essential elements in gaining the attention of others.

I am a creative person who loves thinking about things in an interesting and brand new ways .

Soon my booth was crowded with people trying out my computers' configuration and functions.

... so I have to combine them with some recreational events and entertainment.

I am glad I already know what it is, and I will enjoy the journey while attaining my goals.

--------------------------------------------------------
It was one day around twelve years ago.

My mother and I were in a mall, and she was holding my hands firmly because she was afraid I would get lost.

I was so delighted by their admiration; the passion inside my heart was reignited .

This is all pretty great. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Factors that influence the decisions of news editors who control news on TV & papers [2]

News editors decide what to broadcast on television and what to print in newspapers. What ---It's important to remember to put all your periods and other punctuation marks right up against the end of the last word of your sentences. Then leave a space between that and the next sentence. Another important thing is to start every new sentence with a capital letter.

But sometimes they are forced to report some news which is broadcasted by the news editors regardless of its truthfulness.

One of the main factors for this biased news is the influence of politics on media.

However ,we are accustomed to bad and biased news since the media stepped in to the world.

P eople are inclined to read bad news before they read something good, so in order to maintain the popularity and publicity, all broadcasters highlights the bad news like air crashes ,earth quakes , or other such types of shocking news.

I think it would be great if we had one news channel that only reported stories that were happy, like about heroes and happy events.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / SOP for PhD application in aerospace engg - cfd [6]

Well I don't think you'll need much luck, as you are obviously an extremely intelligent, serious and dedicated student. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay about British and Australian laws re criminal records [3]

Many people hold the opinion that past behaviour determines the future actions, which could be the main reason to support the idea of revealing a defendants record to the jury.

We must acknowledge that complete data concerning the history of an accused person creates more opportunity for jury members to build an overall picture of the defendant's personality.

Furthermore, past record might be useful in deciding whether a person was capable of committing a certain type of crime when it concerns serious crimes, such as kidnapping or a murder.

Nevertheless, in order for the jury to come up with an objective decision not depending on the past experience, the court should provide with details relevant to a particular case only.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / 'a PhD in the field of Pharmaceutical Sciences' - Statement of Purpose [4]

My mark on the field has just begun.

I feel the need to delve more deeply into my Master's research topic of Microparticles and to do more research into areas of Micro/nanotechnology, to study in detail the development of Micro/nanoparticles as carriers to deliver aniticancer agents, genes, vaccines, etc.

I have published 2 research papers, and one other is accepted for publication and another...

I have taught lectures & have taken practicals of Physical Pharmacy (Pharmaceutics-II) of second year under-graduate students.

Of course nNow I want to move forward ahead toward a Ph.D.

Looks like they'll be very lucky to have you as a student!

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'BOOM' - Essay about a revolution: commonapp essay [5]

This looks like it's a great and interesting essay, but you have to post here so we can have a look at it for an edit! I hope it's me that gets to see it!

:)

Writing Feedback / Promoting Firearm Safety in Children, A personal essay about a "Radical Act" [2]

In my opinion I feel that gun safety should be taught to all people, especially to families and homes where there are firearms on the property.

Through proper education, starting with gun safety classes for children and young adults, firearm accidents up to and including deaths can be prevented and may disappear all together with time.

If I encourage someone to give their children the tools to prevent even one accidental death from a firearm, I have done more than a great job.---This is great!

I could see where they were coming from however, as every time someone tries to pass out something my way or solicit me for something on the street, I'm annoyed by it and almost immediately preemptively ignore it.

I truly hopethat I reached some people with my fliers .

It certainly did not feel like it, as I had hardly noticed a second pass.

It sure did give me a sense of accomplishment and hope that maybe my fliers will one day inadvertently save a life.

This is great, also a good subject and project! Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / Rutgers-Diversity, Culture, Talents and Skills- Guyanese & Haitian, HOSA member.... [3]

There are so many different types of people in this world, and getting to know the diverse cultures and races is very important.

Each and every person has something special to add to the "melting pot".

The way people show their worth comes in all contrastive kinds of forms.

Some b enefits of being in such a vibrant community are learning about different cultures , meeting new people and a more interesting learning environment.

Since each one of our own strengths and weaknesses contrasts another person, it would beis beneficial, so we can all help each other improve on what we cannot do.

I would wish to involve my club in certain Rutgers activities and create some of my own to make a big change in the surrounding communities.

I also started a weight loss club this year to help my friends and I maintain a good health.

If there is a program like such at Rutgers, I would definitely benefit from being there. ---This sentence needs to be revised for clarity, but even with these small changes, I think an 'F' was pretty harsh!

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'completed the training in nursing' - Personal medical statement [2]

I've completed the training in nursing.

It is not enough for me to know nursing care without the delivery of high-quality health care in the diagnosis and treatment of disease.

Therefore,I've continuously equipped myself with medical knowledge.

I attended international seminars, workshops and conferences to enhance my medical knowledge. growth.

I am fortunate enough to have postgraduate training at the ******University and at one of the busiest and largest provincial teaching hospitals .

I have studied the Master of Caridology two years ago.

I am aware of the demands of a medical career but my commitment and desire to become a doctor have been strengthened through by academic preparation and working in an acute healthcare setting.

Good luck with school!

:)

Graduate / SOP for PhD application in aerospace engg - cfd [6]

My decision to pursue graduate studies at the University of Southern California, Los Angeles has been motivated by its excellent research facilities and opportunities it provides in the field of Fluid Dynamics. My ongoing directed research on shock waves using computational methods has further kindled my interests for continuing research study.---Great opening paragraph, direct, and to the point.

The courses offered at USC are very well structured and suited to my needs to understand the concepts.

All that previous experience helped me to migrate from my electronics background and fit well in a class of aerospace and mechanical engineers.

I have thus been successfully able to complete all course requirements for my Masters degree in Aerospace engineering.

My directed research is the study of shock wavesfocusing computationally.

Shock wave focusing is a practical application used in the treatment of kidney stones, called Lithotripsy.

My goal for the future is to become a research professional at a research-oriented organization.

Great essay! They'll be lucky to have you as a student. Good luck with school!

:)

Research Papers / Research paper on the effect of attractiveness, height, and race in the workforce [2]

I will argue the existence of such bias that arises in the workplace.---I could be wrong, but this sentence seems to need a few more words in it.

The injustice tends to arise from the moment an interviewer reads a candidate's resume, and it will ultimately come to fruition once a pictorial description is viewed.

This paper will rely on Dipboye et al, as their experiment indicates bias towards those with more appealing physical attributes.

Key patterns that show up are the fact that regardless of gender, attractiveness plays a role in a rater's (the interviewer) judgement of the candidates' credentials and qualifications, favoring those that are considered highly attractive by consensus.

Also, amongst those with similar credentials and level of attractiveness, gender is a factor in the decisions made by the interviewer, as males are desired more than females.

Finally, gender and attractiveness play an even bigger role depending on the position, i.e. a high management position will be given to attractive males and less attractive females rather than their counterparts.

This is coming along fine! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Son - my mother's tatoo' - Penn Optional [2]

Oh my God, this is so funny! It shows what a good sense of humor you have, but the 'most interesting man in the world' takes something away from it, because of the commercial! People might think this is just a quick succession of things copied from someone else because of that. If you replace that with one or two other funny things, it will be much better! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Poetry / Imagination; Never ending - help on my cinquain poem [4]

You'll have a fun and easy time with this, also create something great, if you just get out your thesaurus! Look up any of the words you've written here, then take the ones that sound the coolest to you! Good luck and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'the Key Club presentation' - UF Admissions Essay [3]

At that moment, I wasn't paying much attention to the presentation.

They have to make this trip at least 2 times a day".

The had nowhere to hide because no matter where you went, it felt as if the "Heat was holding you captive."

After the video was over , the presentor shared some very interesting statistics with the club that sent me into an enhanced state of shock.

There are some places where you switch from past to present tense, which makes things confusing, so if you just fix that, it'll be much better. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Higher education is an indispensable part of today's society;Purpose of University Ed [2]

Students gain not only the necessary knowledge for their future careers, but also the life skills that are inevitably useful in life.

He believed that knowledge should not be learned for ones own satisfaction.

The consensus on the purposes of higher education remains unresolved until todayto this day .

The wrong purpose of education would unavoidably place burdens on the students' progress.

Universities have to provide conducive atmosphere for students to gain the skills that they'll need in the future.

However, it is equally important that the students understand their role in national building. ---You should clarify what you mean by this.

In conclusion, the highest purpose of a university education should be the achievement of the students' goal, instead of the fulfillment of national aims.

All citizens deserve an education to pursue their goals, without being burdened by other things.

After the students achieve their goals, they will undoubtedly contribute to the nations' development.---Good point!

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / SOP for application to Ecology department admissions (US,UK) [2]

I was attracted towards seas and their inhabitants during my undergraduate study at XYZ College, University of XYZ which was located close to the Arabian Sea.

After my masters, I spent two months at XYZ Department, XYZ Institute, gaining experience on sampling macrobenthos from a river estuary using a grab and later analysis of samples at the laboratory.

I was selected to give an oral presentation on the topic "Study of effects of changing climatic factors on ABC'S physiology" which I...

My desire to pursue studies in ecology and to learn more about the field techniques fueled me to join ABC Institute of XYZ,...

I would like to enhance the knowledge of interactions within a population between a species and its competitors, mutualists, predators and prey.

Another aspect of climate change, ---No comma here.--- I wish to focus on is the effect of changes in species distribution on food web structure.

I think my academic background and research experience in ecology have provided me with valuable insights into the technical aspects needed to work in this field.

Sounds like they'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Diversity and raised in a third-world nation' - Yale Supplement [3]

What songs would you include on the soundtrack to your life and what about those songs represent your life?---This is a great question!

-----------------------------------

Citizens of developed nations take it for granted, but citizens of third-world nations live a life with little to no technology. Technology is severely limited in numerous nations, and the citizens of those nations do not receive the advantage of having access to it. In the future, I want to work to make it easier and inexpensive for people in third-world nations to have access to technology.---This kind of seems that you're repeating the same thing over, but it would be better and more personal, if you use a couple examples too.

The superiority of a Yale education is a fact known by everyone, including people living on the other side of the globe.

The very low student to faculty ratio assures me of a greater collaboration with my professors.

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Graduate / 'to widen my philosophical knowledge' - SoP for grad school in philosophy [2]

In addition to these fields, I have broad interests in many other areas of philosophy, such as, ---No comma here,--- philosophy of science, ethics, non- western philosophy, and 19th century philosophy.

In metaphysics, my favorite topic has become persistence through time.

Of particular interest to me is how the mind persists through time and what this means for different accounts of the mind. My interest in philosophy of science stems from my studies in several scientific fields, like, biology, physics, and psychology.

I would be happy to pursue concentrations in any of these areas, and I believe that I would be very satisfied as a professional in any one of these fields.

I hope the committee feels that I am as good of a fit to the program as I do and gives me the opportunity to study philosophy at Western Michigan in the near future.

I think they'll be lucky to have you as a student.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / LIM COLLEGE (laboratory institute of merchandising) [2]

The piercing whistle of the train echoed my though my surroundings .

There I was with my struggling grasp on an enormous rolling suitcase sprinting to the train platformjust in time.

I leaped onto the train to Penn Statio n,and running over a few innocent travelers in the process, and sat and observed reflections of strangers in the window.

As I stepped out of Penn station I saw a line of taxi drivers waiting for a signal to welcome their next customers.

I felt overjoyed as I stepped into the taxi.

I arrived at the dorm house, the driver helped me unload my luggage and I looked at the building where I would spend the next week.

I opened the door and the lobby was full of fashion lab students who would soon be with me for the whole week.

I was excited when a dorm consular holding a sign that said LIM FASHION LAB announced that we should line up with ID and appropriate papers.

Have fun and good luck with school!

:)

Graduate / "Communication and Interpersonal skills" - Ohio State U [2]

After that, I decided to proactively took participationtake part in various kinds of activities in order to cultivate some important leadership skills.

The committee is the main place where students plan and hold all sorts of activities such as the Student Congress, the Accounting Weekly, Alumni activities and so on.

With hands-on experience of conducting teams while constructing positive working environments, this training helped further my communication skills and public relations, because we had to deal with lots of issues related to both students and professors, as well as administrators.

Through the precious opportunities that my school gave me, I learned how to organize a team by coping with complex issues concerning team members.

As a group leader, I arranged the time efficiently and set a fixed schedule for weekly meeting.

At the weekly meeting, we could discuss the problems and come up with smart solutions together.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Hospital Volunteer' - your extracurricular activities [2]

" Many would think that volunteering in the hospital coffee shop is not a fulfilling experience; after all, you are just serving coffee and snacks to visitors and staff.

Working in the coffee shop, I learned to understand and appreciate the connection that doctors, patients, and their families made with each other.

Ultimately, this simple service taught me how to interact and communicate with different people."

You don't need quotation marks at the beginning and end of your essay. It is quite well written though. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Book Reports / Antigone - struggle between god's law vs. man's law [3]

There is a struggle between G od's laws vs. man's law.---I'm not sure, but it seems like 'God' should be capitalized.

Eteocles was to rule over Thebes in Ancient Greece for the first year, and then give Polyneices a turn.

Unlike man's law which can change at any given moment.--This isn't a complete sentence, but you could add it to the previous one.

This is coming along pretty well. When you're finished, send it back through, and we'll have another look at it.

:)

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay - Am I Blind or What? [2]

Unable to see more than a foot away without my glasses, my impaired vision...

However, what interested me the most was the healing process of the eyes after the procedure.

I discovered that thrombin did stimulated the production of certain growth factors.

This stimulation may or may not be beneficial to the healing process, depending on the particular function of the growth factor because some growth factors may cause blood vessel production (a negative aspect), while others may fuel the production of cell rebuilding molecules (a positive aspect).

My intellectual curiosity and thus involvement in research has provided a scope to the literal eye-changing field of optics.

All of this fascinates me! My son actually lost an eye in a bb gun incident, and his prosthetic eye is made with coral, which is porous and bonds to human tissue, allowing it to move in a natural way with his 'good' eye. It's like a miracle! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Perfection's Disease (Common App) [2]

I used to stand in front of my mirror and just stare at myself, feeling that someone as hideous as myself shouldn't even be alive.

M y hair was always a long tangled mess, my teeth were literally aching for braces, and my feet were entirely too big for my twelve year old body. ---This is a great sentence!

...myself to sleep every night and repeatedly asking God why I couldn't be perfect, and as the years went by, I didn't get an inkling of an answer, so I took my fate into my own naïve hands.

While my aspirations and accomplishments wrapped me in a cloak of importance which I believed really described who I was, I realized that all of my fears and horrible habits I had brung out the most intimate parts of me. ---I don't understand what you mean by this sentence.

Today, I look into that same mirror and instead of feeling the imminent pit of despair I had often felt, I am cradled in the light, welcoming arms of my own acceptance.---I just love this ending!!

I enjoyed reading your essay, you have a great way of writing and have made some very important points! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / One man's terrorist is another's freedom fighter [3]

The definitions ---Should this say 'differences'?---between a terrorist group and a freedom fighter significantly change justifications and perceptions of armed movements.

According to Wiegand, "Hezbollah is also suspected of the hijacking of TWA flight 857 in June 1985, intended to facilitate the release of 766 Lebanese prisoners held in Israel.

Iran believes that Hezbollah's acts are legitimate, and uses them to have influence in the region and in Israel.

Syria started as a mediator to transfer IRGC troops from Iran to Lebanon.

Since then, Syria has engaged closer political ties because of similar views on Israel.

This seems like it needs one or two sentences at the end to tie it all up, for example, say one more thing about the quote from the beginning. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Knowledge is more significant. Experience refers to a direct contact, often comes after a long time. [3]

In this regard, I argue that knowledge which is obtained from experience could be more important because an experience refers to a direct contact, often comes after a long time, and it could be more powerful .

Indeed, people gain experienced by the presence and observation their environment, whereas studying does not display everything.

Also, people acquire experience by full of theirthrough energy and feeling, so they would be able to find out everything, while it is not be possible to get everything by studying.

In addition, people do not forget any details as to any events or occurrences, but they may forget something they have studied.

For example, students must write tens ofmany papers and essays to become a knowledgeable and experienced person in their major.

That is why knowledge gained from experience is more significant rather than through study.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)