Undergraduate / 'Research into rare medicinal herbs' - Why Franklin and marshall college? [8]


Too many adjectives makes it not so believable. Too many adjectives makes it overblown. It is powerful, though, to state simply that you have spent a lot of time in contemplation about how you can reconcile interest in life science with interest in community service.

But then you have to specify what aspects of life science intrigue you and what kinds of community service you like and why. You just went straight into telling about the school's location and that it is a priority... I think you are not approaching this essay as a tol to advance a single, important idea. What is the single idea that may be hard to explain but that captures your unique intentions?

Undergraduate / Trip to Disneyland/Leadership Common App [4]


I don't thing grandeur can be used as an adjective. Mabe this sentence should be revised, because I don't know what you mean to say.

...dressing up like Minnie Mouse to achieve my goal, nor could I sit idle, expecting things to miraculously go my way.


Okay, I stared at this for a long time, and what I think is that it seems like you are trying to make the issue about overcoming adversity when it actually was not so much adversity. It seems like this should be presented as evidence of your organizational skills and writing skills but not as a matter of overcoming adversity. It would be nice if you made this a humorous essay. Save the seriousness for other matters, and let this be a light hearted essay. There is a limit to how seriously you can write about overcoming adversity and demanding to be heard when you are writing about a trip to Disney Land. I hope my criticism is not discouraging to you!!

Faq, Help / Help to understand one of the rules (You get what you give!) [11]

Hi Yishen, this forum has many bilingual people just like you. I have so much admiration for students who are learning to think, speak, and write in more than one language.

In fact, many of the people you see here among our top contributors are students who speak English as a Second Language (ESL):

The reason for this rule you mentioned is to ensure that everyone puts some TIME into giving thoughtful ideas. You do not have to be good at English.

You do not have to correct people's mistakes, because you might not know how to identify mistakes if you are still learning English. You can let the reader know how her essay affected you, and if you have trouble expressing what you mean... well... we all have some trouble expressing what we mean! :-)

So don't worry about having your account suspended, as long as you take some time to find an essay about which you can write a few sentences of feedback, ideas, and even criticism.

Thanks for asking this important question. When other people ask similar questions, I can show people this thread that you started. Kind regards,

:-)

Undergraduate / Common app essay- My third world country defines me [2]

This should be a dash instead of a semi-colon:
Eight years ago my mother made the decision of moving to the Dominican Republic, her homeland -- a decision that affected me and my sisters.

You can make this essay much more powerful if you develop the first and last paragraph some more. They are so short! The first and last para should contain the "soul" of the essay. That means they should explain your main idea for the whole essay.

one essay = one big idea

Undergraduate / DESCRIBE A SITUATION WHERE YOU HAD TO WORK OR CLOSELY ASSOCIATE WITH SOMEONE [4]

He ate Fura de nunu, a northern dish, was his favorite dish which he ate in a way that disgusted me.

Your theme is very nice, and I like your last sentence a lot. But there is no period at the end of the last sentence! Also, don't forget to capitalize Zilk's name.

Because the essay is about something fortunate that happened (when you learned to appreciate diversity), don't use the word unfortunately here:
Unfortunately By 11th grade, we were both...

Undergraduate / Essay for Common Application Short Answer - Dance - Feedback [5]

I can't remember anything from when I was fie! I wonder if you could do something better with this... instead of flashing back to the first ballet test, you should write something very intellectual and philosophical. It looks like you are off to a good start.

Undergraduate / Business dream [4]

To become competitive, I interviewed a popular boy in my class and then displayed the testimonials from him on the first page.

Your ending is excellent. It makes business very meaningful! I think this will be a successful essay.

Undergraduate / "our class was worst in the sports and extracurricular activities" - app essay. [3]

Here is some help with the intro:
There is Nothing is impossible, but it was almost impossible for me to enter to the school's dance competition. Prior to it, I had never...

Also...

In addition to improving our skill , it is needed to have a special dance to attract the interest of the judges and audiences. To do so, we were required to prepare an exclusive dance nowhere it was that had never been seen befo re. However can we do that, I wondered, because we had not danced before.

Undergraduate / "a liberal person" - Brown supplement- [6]


Well, you can't really call the story adulterous. The story didn't cheat on anyone... What would I get from this story about adultery?

Instead of "liberal person" you might want to use the term nonconformist. Or you might like the term "unconventional thinker." These are just ideas... liberal person works, too.

Feeling like I was committing a crime, I gradually put myself into the story with seething heart.

No comma is necessary here:
...felt my heart hurt with even more complicated emotions that I could not explain.

Undergraduate / "My climb may be far from over but I fully intend to complete it!"; COMMON APP [6]

Capitalize Penny's name.
I don't think it presents you in a positive light when you say you have no interest in music whatsoever. That's like saying you have no interest in art!

Hmmm... Maybe you wrote too much about Penny in that first paragraph. I think you could condense that whole first paragraph into a single sentence, so that it does not take up so much of your essay. The first paragraph is a little boring compared with the rest of it. It is not necessary, for example, to use Penny's name. It makes it seem like this essay is going to be about her.

When you write, tell the reader about your main idea at the beginning, then explain it, then tell the reader about your idea again at the end.

Every single time Miley had a new song, my life seemed like it was going to end.

However, I am determined to achieve my dream. of college.

Undergraduate / essay about describing yourself in precise word limit [5]

The first few sentences are not very strong, not very interesting or impressive. Sorry! I don't mean to be critical. They are just boring and obvious, and it would be better to write something unexpected. Notice how these sentences are all about different topics:

It took nineteen years to become who I am today.
I grew up in a healthy family.
Within these years, I have been given the freedom to explore the world...
I complete every task assigned to me with zest as for me it's hard to be productive without enthusiasm.
I learned how to be independent at an early age.

Before you start to write, choose ONE thought that is the bass of the whole essay. Then, write every sentence to support that main idea.

Undergraduate / Environmental Science class, Johns Hopkins Supplement Essay [3]


Teachers often discuss the potential to motivate students by taking them out of the classroom and exposing them to nature, but from the student perspective, this sort of thing is always enjoyed as a break from ordinary classwork. I think maybe this concept is not a good one to use here, because you are trying to present yourself as a highly motivated student, and we all remember that the "rewarding" experiences outside the classroom were enjoyed as a break from the work.

I am afraid I did not explain that well. Do you know what I am trying to say? The experience of learning without having to open a text book is not the best thing to focus on as your motivation. Let intellectual curiosity be your motivation.

Also, I think the first paragraph should be cut. It is just too simple of an experiment... it does not do justice to your aspiration. I think you should cite a few articles and really talk about the field you are about to jump into.

:-)

Undergraduate / "bridging the gap between Vietnam and the world" - Statement of Purpose [2]

Since I was young, I have often heard people's discussions about bridging the gap between Vietnam and the world, but nobody seemed to have an answer. As I am getting more mature, I gradually realize that solving this thorny problem is a supreme mission of the young generation -- and that makes it my mission. , and thus, of mine.

As far as I am concerned, the world has changed fundamentally over the last two decades. In the early

Accordingly, in the long term, I could have enough ability to successfully participate in creating the blueprint of the future of the Vietnamese economy.

Undergraduate / Math. I have been part of the Talented Youth Program of El Salvador [14]

I feel utter joy when, after some cups of coffee and many hours of countless attempts, the sparkling idea that kills the problem finally comes.

This is well-written, for sure. I thin it could be better if, instead of just celebrating the joy of math, you mention math;s significance to your career as you envision it.

Undergraduate / "Memory" - Common Application Critique! my jet-black SLR camera [2]

...juxtaposed against a background of my rivals between other competitors as my torso contorts itself over the barrier, each of us reveling in our shared moment of exhilaration.

...distinctly unique piece that could only come from a person's soul.----> nice sentence!!

fifteen instead of 15.

I experience a fleeting A slight moment of revelation as my left hand grips my pen. ----> I turned this fragment into a complete sentence. I think the fragment is pushing the limits of poetic license too much at this point. Try not to use too many incomplete sentence fragments. You write so poetically, though, that you can get away with it!

:-)

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement Essay on my Drama Team Experience [6]

This is my idea, not necessarily better:
The villain is defeated, the computer prints the paper, and the beat goes on. In full circle, we end...

Well... you write so well that I hesitate to suggest changes... but anything you write will be eloquent, I think. I recommend changing this so that the focus is not so much on the content of the play. this paragraph is so excellent that I would hate to see you change it: The play itself was an epic, pseudo-realistic tale about...

but the paragraph that follows it could hae some material cut if necessary. Make room at the end for some discussion of something other than the content of the experience...make room to discuss the implications for your academic or professional aspirations. connect this excellent reflection with your intentions for the future.

:-)

Please check out the EF Contributor page!! you write very well, and I am impressed with your knowledge of grammar/composition.

Undergraduate / Extra Curricular ( Common App) 150 Word Response [3]

Let's not be so informal as to drop the word "during" when it is necessary:
I joined the club during my sophomore year and often assisted the president planning the agenda for the meetings. During my junior year, I was elected as the junior representative.

If you don't want to use during twice, replace the second one with the word "in."

Nice job, Edgar! Check out the EF Contributor page!

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer + Essay: Indian dance + elderly caretaking job [4]

the short answer is wonderful. I think it really does a good job. all that could make it better is a brief reference at the end to the skill this taught you -- a skill that can be applied in your chosen field of study.

I couldn't understand the first a single word thing the old woman softly muttered. She shuffled around the kitchen, absentmindedly picking up utensils with her fragile hands. ----> very good sentence.

Instead of quotes for the self-talk, how about italics:
How am I going to get through this? I thought anxiously to myself.

Nice! the ending is powerful and emotive. You win! You did very well here.

Writing Feedback / The Sentinels [5]


This sentence does not help me understand anything, because I don't know what you mean by look over.

A wary band they had now become, their purpose to themselves better known; but they guard well, this wary band - but what it is they guard they do not know. --- > I don't know if that change woulf be appropriate or not! Anyway, this is beautiful writing... More like a poem than an essay.

Undergraduate / How Were You Caught? 'being caught into the politics' [6]

That first paragraph is quite impressive. I see some unnecessary stuff to be trimmed from paragraph 2, though:
By being caught into the politics, I have therefore grown to understand how politics can influence the people as well as the world. I recognize that our world is bitterly divided... ------> I think it'll be much better without that first sentence.

You know, I think you could explain this process (of getting caught up in politics) in a single paragraph instead of two. You can condense tis to 1 paragraph, and then write another paragraph all about how you are currently participating. It is not so impressive just to be interested. Be someone who is taking action, someone who cares and is willing to work hard.

Undergraduate / Misconceptions: the best way to fight them is to prevent them from being formed in the first place. [6]

I think "geek" is okay the way you use it. I think you should begn this way:

Although I consider myself a "geek" due to my passion for biology and psychology, I also harbor a deep love for the arts - especially fashion. To me, fashion is an outlet for innovation and imagination, just as science is. Therefore, I got involved with Fashion for A Cause (FAC). The goal of FAC is twofold: to bring a love of art to a science-oriented school and to raise funds for medical organizations through an annual fashion show. As an FAC liaison...

Undergraduate / Why Cornell Engineering? -- a disjointed essay about joints? [8]


This is a great sentence.

To edit your essay, just post a new draft.

Coupled with my fascination for the structures of the body, it is a desire to resolve these bitter moments that draws me to biomedical engineering at Cornell.---> let's not call them bittersweet. Let's just call them bitter, because they are painful.

This is very impressive to me. I like your reference to a faculty member. If you have time and want to be extra impressive, read a book or article about modern advances. The essay made me think of a book called The Body Electric by Becker. You will enjoy that one.

Undergraduate / "Ding! Ding! Ding!" - for my common application essay on diversity [4]

To say that I was nervous would be an understatement; I was literally petrified; My guts were all tied up in tangles.---> this is a great sentence, but don't capitalize that word "my" after the semi-colon.

However, I now understand that true diversity is found through the invaluable sharing of various human experiences. ----> very good! Now explain what you mean by this before movng on to talk about how this shift in your perception occurred. Know what else? I sort of think you should move this to the top so that it is the intro paragraph! that way, you will establish immediately that you are responding to the prompt. Can you make this work if you move that paragraph to the top? The Admissions Office will appreciate it if you do that, because it will make it so that this essay swiftly starts to answer the prompt.

You write so well!!!

Undergraduate / tutoring programs and learning projects - UIUC Essay prompt [5]

Yes, I think the most impressive thing you can do is show that you are already being proactive about exploring the various schools of psychology -- and forming your own opinions. If you are fascinated and motivated, that makes you the opposite of the type of student that is just being pushed through life by parents and teachers. You should show that you cannot help reading everything you can find about psychology.

Undergraduate / "the Victory Lap" - Common App: Elaborate on Extra Curricular Activity [8]

The energy of intense emotion and inspiration radiated from within as survivors took part in the Victory Lap.---> ah, I don't know if you like that, but I agree that exuberance is bad.

Near the start of this paragraph, you should let the reader know it is an event to support cancer sufferers. I was confused throughout most of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App essay (the influence of my two little siblings) [3]

...today it is extremely more hectic and entertaining.

By thirteen I felt like I had landed the full-tim e job of being the second mom, and I felt the pressure and work of having children without the full responsibility.

the adage at the end is great! I challenge you to condense this material so that you can express it in 3 paragraphs instead of five, and then, if possible, add 2 paragraphs about how this experience is related to your intended career. How has this experience made you excellent at certain skills, so that you are perfect for your chosen field?

Undergraduate / Commonapp - Gay Rights Issue [5]

Where was the uncle I respected and admired?

Use a hyphen:
I realized that not everyone was going to be as open-min ded as the people in...

So I continued on,openingchallenging my family's opinions about homosexuals.

I fight for equality, not because I am homosexual, but because I respect and admire them. These people, though unsure about the reactions they would receive, were true to themselves.

This is a very strong essay. I find it hard to believe, though, that your whole family was prejudiced. Perhaps you only were arguing with 3 people; if so, refer to them specifically instead of saying "my family." I don't mean you have to name them or identify them in any way; just tell the reader more specifically how many opponents you were up against, etc., so that they can experience the story a little more.

Undergraduate / enjoy most - music, performing for children [3]

Here is an idea for this excellent last sentence. This quality, this expression in my music, is not easily attained -- bu t when it is, I feel like music takes me away, sweeping me along its rhythmic embraces.

I think you have done a great job with this so far. Now you need to lengthen it? Add another dimension. Make an argument about this being more challenging than other things... or... scrutinize your own ideas about this subject... or speculate about what might ocur in the future regarding your music.

Take the essay in a new direction, and you can write more material. Fill the essay with meaning. What is the moral of the story?

Poetry / Thesis ideas for Comparing and Contrasting two poems [14]

Yes, start with the poem you understand the best. Google this: poetry analysis (title of poem)

... and read about what other say about it. Google the title of the poem along with various words listed above, like tone, meaning/ theme, point of view, syntax (thanks Steaphanie! Good advice!!

After you write a page about each poem, tell about the similarities AND the differences among them all.

Undergraduate / 'superstition and unawareness' - Stanford Intellectual vitality- Disease [3]

...was fought in history, I felt compelled was stimulated to look at how the modern 21st century responds to these things.

I don't know if appreciation is the right word here:
Through taking this class, I have been able to gain an appreciation for what diseases have done in history and what they are doing now, which has, in turn, sparked my interest in biology.

Ha ha, appreciate what scientists have done throughout history, but diseases do not need appreciation, haha. I know what you meant, though. How about:
Through taking this class, I have been able to gain an appreciation for what perspective and understanding about wha t diseases have done in history and what they are doing now, which has, in turn, sparked my interest in biology.

Research Papers / The Conflict of Coastal Urbanization and Water Management [7]

Though attempts are being made to reduce the impact of human habitation on other species' habitats and water resources, there is still much to consider. For example, how do we allow for the replenishment of ...

I thought maybe it would be good to split that sentence up into 2. And then, at the end of that first paragraph, will you be giving a hint about the conclusion that you will come to in the essay?

It looks like that first para will need to be developed some more to accommodate the subtopics, like the Young Reservoir. After you add all the paragraphs that will be included, revise that intro so that it expresses a main idea that serves as a common thread connecting all the ideas (topic sentences). You know all this stuff, but I know it helps to discuss it...

Essays / Personal Statement (academic achievements, personal interests, life experiences) [3]

Respond aptly by naming some of each:
academic achievements, personal interests, life experiences

Look online for samples of personal statements to get good ideas.

If you are someone who reads often and who cares about some academic disciplines, cares about making a difference in the world, it should be easy to write about your purpose. Start with a single, powerful sentence, and then write the rest of a paragraph about your mission in life.

Then, write some body paragraphs telling what you have done and learned so far.

:-)

Undergraduate / Rice's academic life, Road to Equality [4]

To this day, her smile reminds me of how, despite our contrasting lifestyles, we are equals. I feel that I am equal to her.

...our exchange in gifts illustrates the ideal of quality.---> do you mean "equality?"

Hmmm. I think you should revise this so that there is not so much focus on superiority or inferiority. Why talk about equality when you could talk about providing opportunity for her and kids like her? I think the new title and the next draft should not bother about equality, but instead should focus on opportunity.

Undergraduate / If you are applying to the Pratt school of Engineering - why you want to study engineering at Duke? [4]

Engineering, I feel, will give me the knowledge needed to make a change. ---> well... this is rather vague. It will be nice if you answer them by telling them about what it is about engineering that appeals to your interests and seems meaningful to you.

More importantly however, I believe that Duke's Pratt school of Engineering will open the gates for me to walk through and change the world.------> while saying this, you ca say HOW you mean to change the world. Instead of just laving it this way, you can specify an example of how you intend to benefit the world.

You SHOULD write about Space, Energy & Sustainability, and Technology, but you should not write that whole 2nd paragraph about how these things interested you. Write about specific plans you have for working to improve the quality of life for people by applying these disciplines.

Undergraduate / The environmental field, Brown - what academic field are you interested in? [4]

This is especially appealing to me, because I am fascinated by lives other than my own. Another field that particularly appeals to my interests is environmental science.

Being someone who holds a spiritual obsession with nature, I see it as my personal mission to combat anything that might threaten its fragile beauty.--- excellent! You write well, not icky.

Graduate / Untainted Eyes - Law School Personal Statement [3]

When you think of your childhood and the significant role models that you secretly aspire to be, normally these thoughts are similar amongst you and those close in your age group. During my childhood, I was in an environment where a young girl's typical ambitions were to get as far as possible in school and then, ultimately, find a man to marry and with whom to have children.---> I think it is better without the first sentence. :-)

Trimming some more:
However While my grades were up to par, my financial circumstance fell short. I received a denial letter for my loan...

My efforts as to become a lawyer may not change the world for everyone! but They would will my world and my circumstances.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why Brown Essay (no personal connections with Brown) [6]

Certainly, Brown qualifies as what everyone calls a "prestigious institute" and without a doubt it hosts a student body of the most talented, the most driven, and the most genuine. But What I saw at Brown during my visit constitute consisted not only of academic excellence but also of an ambiance of freedom and responsibility, a seemingly paradoxical education system that allows maturation and growth with little boundaries.

Brown is an intellectual community that would not only allow me---> oh, no, not another "not only but also" sentence! Only use one of those in this brief essay...

Of course it is an intellectual community. Of course you hope to become an addition to this community with everything you can offer. Don't say things that are obvious!

:-)

It will be better if you tell them something unique about your personal philosophy and approach you your chosen field.

Undergraduate / NU- supplement why NU (a faculty to student ratio of 7 to 1) [6]


Because you end the first paragraph with this statement, it makes it seem like you are about to write an essay about the class size and reputations of professors.

Oh! And I see that these are indeed the subjects of the essay. Very cool. This is solid composition.

Still, it is important to go deeper into this. Imagine you are an experienced professional in your chosen field... a professional with 30 years of experience, and going to college again. What would be the things you look for in an institution? You would look for specific approaches to the field you have learned so much about, because you already have well-developed ideas about the field.

So I think you should show that you have well-developed ideas about this field you are entering, and choose this school based on the way it's program is aligned with your particular philosophy about this field.

Undergraduate / Never content with an "easy answer" - CMU commonapp supplement essay [4]

Good idea, Faisal! I did not think of talking out those unnecessary words at the start. I agree:
It was Professor Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" that first brought the name "Carnegie Mellon University" to me.

While listening to his lecture, I was laughing at his jokes, weeping because of his optimistic attitude towards life, as well as thinking about my own childhood dreams. At that moment, I strongly realized, CMU is my dream ---> before going on to paragraph 2, let the reader know the main idea of the essay. And that first paragraph with a sentence about the theme of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / idiosyncrasies or peculiarities about ourselves, UChicago essay [23]

Maybe a colon would work here:
Picture this: The number 5 is always green, and 8 is always beige.

Move this comma:
Raindrops are blue, and when they plop the xylophone sounds.

Wow, I don't know where you are going with this, but I'm 4 sentences into it and intrigued.

I have a special twist to myself; its name is "synesthesia."

Incredible, thanks so much for sharing this.

To this day, I still do not understand why I always referred to my baby cousin as a "bureau," or why "software" tastes sweet.