Essays / How to start a Classification Essay on television shows? [4]

Just say something controversial; it's as easy as that. And the very easiest way is to read some articles involving T.V. and, based on what those articles argue, form an opinion and make your own argument.

The big mistake people always make is to try to think of a thesis before reading any articles about the topic. Swim through the literature, and you'll wash up on shore with an argument to make.

Graduate / SOP for MS in Computer Science (Artificial Intelligence) [7]

Okay, I stared at theintro for a long time, and I think my suggestion is this:

How about adding a very short sentence at the very beginning -- a sentence that starts with the words: Simulated creatures...

Or you could write:
I squealed in excitement while simulated creatures made j erky progress across the scrolling terrain of my laptop monitor. ----Ha ha, I think this is a cool first sentence...

I don't know, it's just my idea; not necessarily a great idea.

Undergraduate / Rice Supplemental: Choice of of academic study: Am I clear and concise? [4]


Yes, I was thinking that this sentence needed a comma, and I notice that Paulina added one.

What you said about Houston is convincing, but the rest of the essay is rather general. I think you should come up with a memorable theme -- and, for example, if you are feeling creative, you can give the reader something to see. Give a sentence that lets them see what you saw in Peru.

I hope you'll use some imagery in para #1 and suggest a theme... and then tell all about why this school is perfect for your unique interests in para #2... and then give a conclusion that mentions the theme again in para #3.

What is the theme of the essay, the moral of the story?

Undergraduate / Common App Essay I'm writing about how raising sheep has effected me [4]

Excellent observation, Nancy! I'll leave the title misspelled, so that future visitors who accidentally search for "effected"... thinking it is a verb... will see your correction and learn from it.

I affected the quality of the day.
I like to have an effect on the quality of the day.

Jansen, thanks for the great contribution here.

This intro says it was risky to raise sheep, but the prompt does not require you to write about a risk. I think this experience had profound influence on you. Would that be a better way to describe it in the first line?

Undergraduate / About natural disasters and their influences on me. [9]

Ah! I love the last sentences. Your father is great. Use a colon:
...and what he said next was forever embedded in my memory: "You are still ..."

Book Reports / Oe Kenzaburo - Discussing three separate works using Oe's common notion-feedback [2]


Some people might criticize this part, because you assert that he is one of the best without taking time to back up that assertion... maybe it should be eliminated from that intro.

Also... your thesis statement seems to be that he does a great job of conveying his meaning... but that is a rather simplistic argument. Can you "sharpen" that thesis by arguing something a little more specific at the end of that first paragraph?

Essays / Media routines vs rituals [3]

This sounds like it is based on something someone said. Who coined the term "media ritual?"

Oh... I googled it and found that lots of people are writing about this concept. Read some of what other people wrote johnpostill.co.uk/reviews/postill_CouldryReview.pdf

Then, form your opinion and make an argument!

:-)

Undergraduate / "living together is an art" - Colorado University admission essay cumpulsory [7]

Hello, I think we may have accidentally deleted your first essay, because we may have thought this second essay was a revissed version of the first. Please feel free to start a NEW THREAD with that first essay.

For this one...

Belonging to Pakistan, one's life isn't very easy, and this is particularly true of my hardworking parents.

This is a boost to my passion when I think how happy and proud my family would be, as they see me graduating from such a renowned and top-ranking University. ---> this is a very nice style of writing!

Scholarship / The field of accounting + paid experience + scholarship action - Syracuse Essay [4]

In that first one, it will be good if you answer the question -- about what influenced you to apply to Syracuse -- in the first paragraph. The first paragraph only has a few sentences right now... you should add a sentence that talks about the reason this school is the best place for you to learn accounting. One good sentence at the end of the first para will make a lot of improvement to the clarity of the whole essay.

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]


I recommend the Gunslinger series for you, or the Stand. Don't watch the movie before reading the book!

Mayada, the point you made in disagreement is similar to something I have said, too: voice is about the relationship, because it is the reader that is listening to the "voice." I think I think of this the same way you do.

Undergraduate / Religion and ethical dilemma in Macaulay Honors Essay [5]

Don't call your writing ghastly. It is great. You captured me with the first para. The short sentences you sometimes use are powerful. It's like the enunciated thump of a heart beat, thu-thump, thu-thump...

Starting sentences with conjunctions is okay, but technically it is not corect. Maybe you should just not do it twice in a row:
But there was an uncanny look of guilt and pride in his face -- or maybe it was the sunlight playing tricks...

Now use a comma between adjectives:
... on his sweaty, Caucasian face. I approached him slowly.

You write very well. The first sentence introduces the idea of him waiting (it could use an adjective to describe him in addition to "old"), and the second sentence elaborates on that idea of waiting. It is high quality writing, I think.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay reading and writing is important today than in the past [7]

It's best to use the word you are talking about when you write the first sentence of a paragraph:
Finally, computer technology benefits people around the world by enabling them to have a conversation with one another though living in a far place.

If you do that, every topic sentence will be very clear.

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]


Yes, it can be awkward! This is an important topic.

You know, a research essay can be a lot like an annotated bib. From one para to the next, you tell what researchers showed with their studies, and you quote what people said about the topic.

So, maybe you might be arguing something weirdly interesting -- for example, maybe you might end your first para with a thesis sentence that says that the Metamorphosis was largely autobiographical -- through symbolism, it reflected the life of Kafka -- so what you would do is...

A Clever Trick of Interpretation for Yang to Use

Read 5 articles by people who analyzed it, and tell all the stuff they say that supports YOUR argument!

I am mentioning this, because I think it can help you. It's a trick. You can use almost any article to support your argument, as long as you interpret it strategically -- like a clever attorney would interpret the facts of a case to support her argument. This is a good skill to have, ha ha.

But you are right; it can be awkward to make a bibliography before you make the paper, because you don't know what will be relevant! That is why it is important to know this trick of clever interpretation.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App short answer "Heroes and Cool Kids" [8]

about bullying, sportsmanship, drugs , alcohol, and tobacco. Some of these topics are hard to talk about with an adult, but they were always excited to see me. I knew that they felt the same way I felt when I met that NBA player.

Nice job!!

I would never want to disappoint any of them so I try to be the best role model I can possibly be.

Poetry / "On 'Virtue'" - a poem writing assignment for my Lit class [8]

Great rhymes in the beginning, it's hectic! How weird... you get a really cool effect. Consider omitting the word "as" in that second line -- for rhythm's sake.

Add a comma or it is confusing here:
United they are, but with principles of sheep,

Or...
United they are, but they think like with principles of s heep,

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]

Yep, so the first and final paragraph have to use the words analogous and antithetical about 2 scenes...

In that problematic paragraph, you gave all story and no analysis. The topic sentence of that para is vague --


and the rest of it is all retelling of the story. Pretend you are in an argument about the play and that you are trying to make your point to a stubborn person -- see how that changes your topic sentence and conclusion sentence for the paragraph. Argue your point!

I see this is a case where you have a smart teacher who can really benefit you. But everyone has different ideas about how "good composition" should look. Anyway, always treat these situations like a Simon Says game. Make a game out of being able to show the teacher how deftly you followed (and benefited from) her/his instructions for revision. That's my recipe for getting an A, ha ha. teachers love it when you take them seriously.

Undergraduate / Mom-"things were different when I was your age"; Person with significant influence [5]

Meeting my family was one of the greatest things ever to happen to me.

Yeah, not knowing what to cut is a common problem! It's unfortunate when you have to choose some content to kill. It is tough to cut out content in this essay, because almost all of it fits. However, the part about them fighting does not really fit. You could cut that, and cut out half of that long first paragraph. The first paragraph should not be so long... you need to end it quick, so the reader will know what the point is that you are trying to make.

Poetry / The Barber (a very short poem that I wrote). [8]

The barber is an archaeologist, because he excavates what lies beneath the mop of hair I wear.

This is a great poem. Some punctuation could help it or hurt it... I would experiment with some. I wouldn't want to mess with the content. It's great! If you are allowed to write more lines, you should, and increase the imagery. Thanks for sharing this; I appreciate this sort of thing.

Letters / 'I hope that you can give me some latitude on this' - my e-mail sent to UC Davis [3]

Great job Jonathan, thanks! I'll help a little, too:
However, the school had not received my transcript request when I called for confirmation on November 23rd. I recently acknowledged discovered that Burlingame high school's student record office is closed from November 30th - December 14th

I understand that the application deadline for UC Davis is November 30th. However, I hope that you can give me some leniency in this instance, as I wasn't aware until recently that my first high school would not send out any transcript until December 14th. I will contact Burlingame high school on December 14th, but I fear that they may not have gotten it out on time.

Undergraduate / Amherst common app supplement essay, need help revising it! [6]

Life is full of difficulties, and for a person to even approaching life's difficulties should be considered an achievement.

The comparison of good and bad colleges, the college my parents want me to go to, and the college I want to attend with my friends are just some of the problems.

Undergraduate / "difficult to do things on my own" -University of Cincinnati undergraduate essay [3]

Christie, this is great feedback, thanks so much. I see that you have helped with 53 essays.

Owusupalace, Christie fixed your verb tense, because you wrote find when you should have written found. Verb tenses are difficult!


This is an excellent sentence... but I crossed out one word.

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]


It depends on what you are writing. If you are writing about your own thoughts, it is important to know what your plan is. If you are writing a research paper that is supposed to include several articles, it is good to just start reading, and then write a paragraph after each time you read an article (citing the author in your paragraph), and organize them later!! I think that is the only way to get through a research paper.


Well... I notice the great feedback you have been giving. It is indeed valuable. I look forward to your essay!

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]


Yes, when reading the essay, we encounter the thesis at the start. I am actually trying to say something about the writing process:

1.) read an article and write a little paragraph about what it accomplishes.
2.) repeat that process untill you have lots of paragraphs...
3.) arrange the paragraphs in a good sequence.
4.) go to the beginning of the essay and introduce the big stupid thing...

That is how I think about constructing a paper.


I did not mean that the thesis should be in the conclusion! :-) I meant that at the end of your work process you should go back to the top of the page and write the intro.

:-) I am glad to be able to share these ideas with you, Yang, because you have helped so many people in these forums.

Graduate / 'More than mere pronouns' Writing my statement of purpose for MFA in design [2]

The first sentence tries to do more than it can do! As a visual communicator, a graphic designer, and a creative individual, it is my job to understand, create, and giveback to my audience.

But that is not quite right!----> As a visual communicator, a graphic design artist, I am a visual communicator whose job is to understand and actualize the vision of my clients. How about that... is that something that inspires you to write a little more? I feel like that is a col sentence...

Research Papers / finland research project [4]

well, I searched for this:
Finland united states comparison

and I found this, and many other good articles:

linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/1054139X9290036B

find ONE good article, and enjoy reading it. Write a little about what it says, and cite the author. Repeat that process!

Keep repeating that process until you have a lot of paragraphs and a lot of articles to cite. Then, use copy/paste to move everything into a brilliant sequence. At the end, add an intro at the start and a conclusion at the end.

Let's see what you come up with!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Monologue Writing about Monica [9]

Today's day at work was extremely tiresome.

Oh no! The window is jammed too. Monica's birthday is even coming up, I need to think of something to give her.

...plan our honeymoon. ---> one word, not two.

Hey, is this supposed to be a rant? A rant is a speech where the person jumps from one topic to the next in an erratic way. A monologue can be organized around a central meaning. It does not have to be a "stream of consciousness."

Writing Feedback / Excellence Is The New Average (Thesis trouble) [5]


Well if you consider the essay in the context of its history, you will notice that some of the classical essayists were notorious for meandering in a way that was soothing to the mind but not very rigorous. One of the most famous essayists was Michel_de_Montaigne, and his writing wanders, too. Essays sometimes wander, but we can always tighten up the poignancy:

The first part of the first paragraph is an assertion that a particular thing sells. The end of that paragraph is an assertion that Barbie dolls are role models, now. These are related, but you need to sharpen your focus. Add one more sentence to the end of the paragraph, a sentence that answers this question: How does the fact that sex sells cause a situation in which Barbie dolls are serving as role models?

same with this paragraph---> Sex isn't just being marketed to older women and men, it's now being marketed to the younger generation, and they must perform to look good. .... When a teenager gives birth to a child, it's a terrifying thing, and she gets scolded by everyone. Perhaps the television's message should be, "Sex is okay, just don't get pregnant!" if that paragrap is going to end up being a message about what teens should be told, the TOPIC sentence should be a sentence about what teens should be told... but your topic sentence introduces the fact that sex is being marketed to a younger generation.

So... one paragraph = one thought! Let the 1st sentence (topic sentence) of the paragraph introduce an idea, and let the last sentence reflect on that idea.

Undergraduate / An experience that is plain fun [5]

I was in Hong Kong on November 7 of this year. After finishing the SAT, I still had six hours to wait before boarding the plane. I thought to myself, Where am I going? I did not know what was ahead of me. I looked at...

I watched around blankly: sky scrapers and golden, dazzling sea water. I told myself weakly; yes, you made it. Then I ran back with my last volume of energy and lay down under a tree.

Use the past tense:
I loved exploring since I was young. Even if it was an unknown destination or an unclear direction, I followed my heart and walked ahead, walking for the plain happiness of the process. The destination was not what I really wanted ; I have seen the most beautiful sceneries along the road. and not you switched to the present tense in a good way, I like it! ----> They are beautiful because they are unknown.

Below, I like the way you switch to present verb tense. The past tense was good for the first part of the essay, but this is good in the present tense below:

What I pursue in life is not the ultimate goal, but the kaleidoscopic pictures in the journey. I hope to see...

Undergraduate / 'New ways / The Getaway' -Tufts University - Why Tufts? & Short Story [13]

Thanks! And when you help people, it helps me to keep up with all the essays and make sure everyone gets help.


That is very interesting! It must make it so that even thought, itself, is different. A language without verb tense must create a timeless way of thinking. Tense is about time, and time is an artificial concept created by busy humans!

Graduate / Statement of Purpose ( Bioengineering → Industrial Engineering) [5]

It is all about going deep into the reader's attention. Let them know you like this:
Determined to save people from diseases, I chose Bioengineering as my undergraduate specialty. because of my dream of developing new technologies to save people from diseases. This way, you plant an idea in the reader's attention right away.

Determined to save people from diseases...

Personal satisfaction also plays a key role in my decision-making.---> i think this sentence is weak. Topic sentences have to get paragraphs off to a colorful start. To pierce the reader's attention, do not use a generality like "pers. satisfaction".. instead, use an action verb:

I scamper after satisfaction, weighing out all options with an interest in satisfying my...

Undergraduate / Studying in a boarding school away from family and folks - Apply Texas Essay A [7]

...very important decision that an individual makes at an early...

Oh... actually, Mayada's way of fixing that is better than mine! Listen to him instead.

Your middle paragraph is brilliant!!


that is excellent wisdom...

I think you can make the last sentence more original, more specific.

Undergraduate / Implications of Time Travel - Stanford Essay on Intellectual Vitality [5]


Well, lets develop this ideas some more. It is not good to introduce big ideas and leave them underdeveloped... and that first paragraph is so brief! Explain what you mean about how it is different from relativity theory or wormholes.

Undergraduate / English 231 Intertexual Analysis Essay about Women's Strength [4]

h, it should be easy and fun! Don't think of it as 7 pages, think of it as 2 pages about each. Two pages is only about 6 paragraphs!! So, write a nice essay about each, and then put them all together by adding a thoughtful intro. THEN, go to the end and -- after rereading and proofreading your masterpiece -- add a thoughtful conclusion.

Post it here for us to see!

Undergraduate / Deciding to Leave High School- UC - experience [11]

Check out the TOS. Your essay helps us by providing a lesson for everyone. That's how this site works...

The TOS explains what you can do, though.

Grammar, Usage / Do I need to cite the Bible? [8]


Hello Panyapon! Yes, you need to change it all into your words and then cite the author.

Please post a few paragraphs of your writing in a NEW THREAD, and I will tell you if you are doing it right!

:-)

Kind regards

Grammar, Usage / whats the difference between somones and someone's ? [17]

Nope, you always should use the apostrophe:
Someone's.

I corrected someone's essay.

I gave him a ten, so he gave me back a five and five ones.

Here is the way to use "some ones." Ha ha:
He gave me a five and some ones.

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]


Great question. The majority was. The people were. It is a matter of singular and plural. I see that others have explained as much already in this thread.

I don't really understand this other part, but I think this last one should be:
were s to sth, s would v1.

Undergraduate / "faithfulness, wisdom, service" Prompt FPU [4]

For as long as I can remember, the actions I have taken have been intended for the benefit of other people. here for someone. I have been helping individuals -- people that have either the fortune or misfortune to cross roads with me. ---if you helped them, it was fortune.

I have been not omniscient ??? what do you mean to say here?
I have been of service to my communities - five cities in two countries. I know that the reason to help individuals (no need to always call us individuals)

I know that the reason to help my family, my friends, my teachers, and myself could be defined neither through speech or writing , because it is more than just words written or spoken; it is a feeling of doing what is right.

I like your ideas!! You will be a great writer during this life if you make sure to read classic literature and develop your writing style!

Book Reports / To Kill A Mockingbird quotes for Mrs. Dubose. [7]

If you invite mockery, Mustafa will be the first to provide it.

What he meant was that you should google this: Mrs. Dubose morphine quotes

I just did and there's a lot of great stuff.

Also google this: to kill a mockingbird quotes

Also try this: sparknotes.com/lit/mocking/themes.html

But after you look at this info, you should READ the book! This book has changed lots of lives; believe it! Spend time with it; don't be like the others.

Undergraduate / "educational opportunities" and more - why you considering OSU? [4]


This sentence follows your opening line, an assertion that their school provides a special opportunity for you. Instead of this sentence, tell an example that proves that the school actually does provide a special educational opportunity that is especially useful for you. This will require that you observe something about the school that makes it particularly appealing to you -- because of your unique interests.

It is not good to start that sentence with "I believe" because you already asserted something, and now you need to confidently back it up. What is the perfect example of why this school is perfect for you as an aspiring pharmacologist? You should make that point at the start, in the second sentence, so that it drives the whole essay.