Undergraduate / personal statement topic (my family, their love and care) [12]

You've done a good job with the topic you've chosen. The lottery analogy is nice. (Though it might be nicer if you acknowledged that families come in lots of different flavors, not just man+woman+children.) But, I'm going to stay with what I said before: Writing about how wonderfully supportive your family has been will not make you stand out from the crowd, especially since your family seems very typical. You could also choose to write about your community or school. Or, if you must write about your family, focus in on your parents' decision to leave Japan, what they left behind, what (culturally) they brought with them, and what you carry with you that is rooted in that experience of displacement and change.

Writing Feedback / Archie isn't just a typical guy I've encountered in my life! - Unforgettable person [4]

Every one of us has met someone in our lives who may or may not have impacted our lives today.

(1) You could say "everyone" or "every one of us" but not "everyone of us."
(2) Both "everyone" and "every one" are singular, hence my verb change.
(3) But -- read the sentence: What are you saying? Essentially, that every person has met other people. That's so self evident that it need not be stated.

Undergraduate / I feel like an idiot writing this - Fashion Institue Essay [9]


Good. Try it. Show us what you come up with.

Writing Feedback / Dangerous sports and activities - for fun, money, or for nothing [11]

It's not so much that it sounds weird as that nobody knows it. This is a dictionary word that is rarely used in conversation and would not be recognized by most people. So, it ought only be used in academic writing.

Undergraduate / The year 2050, movie of your life - NYU Personal Statement [7]

600 characters or 600 words?

If characters, this is easy! Envision yourself as an adult. What will you be doing? Will your bio-pic be an adventure movie or a film about a remarkable scientific achievement? Will it trace your trajectory as a choreographer or a geographer? Who will you be? What will they say about you?

Grammar, Usage / critique - facing problems sometimes in writing [6]

There are grammatical flaws in this short passage. These are not differences between U.S. and British English but very basic errors such as improper verb form and failure to put an "s" on a plural. People who pay for technical writing expect perfection in punctuation and grammar. In my view, it's unethical to portray oneself as a technical writer if one is not able to write even a couple of sentences without making grammar and punctuation errors.

I am a professional t echnical writer and sometimes get comments from US clients that my excerpts have grammatical flaws...though I don't find them while reviewing again and again...what it can be? Does US English differ a lot? I f so, can anybody give ideas about this and tell me what I can do to satisfy US clients?

Writing Feedback / Saving money for future is more useful than spending on travel. [2]


Is that true? How do you know? Students often start essays with an assertion that whatever they are discussing has become more popular than ever, or more common than ever, or worse than ever, without any evidence at all of such a trend. Don't just make up facts. "More than ever" is not required for a topic to be important. You don't need to assert it if it's not true.

The rest of the essay is quite strong for a TOEFL test.

Undergraduate / My Favorite Flowers [5]

I love the category of "favorite flower"! (I was just thinking about that myself this morning, recalling the scents of honeysuckle, wild rose, and lilac.)

Keep the category. Keep the story. But find some way to work in a few of your other favorites in order to better answer the prompt. To do that, you will need to edit the story down to make it more concise.

I invite other forum members and contributors to help you do that and also to brainstorm ways to transition to other favorites.

Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]

So, why do you think this essay is so terrible? What do you think it needs to be better? I ask because your essay will be strongest if it strongly reflects you. So, let's explore what dissatisfies you about it and what you would like to be different about it.

Undergraduate / Events in my life - New UF essay. [5]


Please don't start with those words. Your story is strong and could be compelling but needs to be introduced in a way that draws the reader in. Do you remember the day that your father deserted you or the day that you learned that was true? That might be the place to start.

Undergraduate / "Lights, Camera, Action" - edit this admission essay for content, grammar [4]

Very vivid introduction, but the essay needs not only some proofreading (punctuation is a problem) but also some revising for coherence.

Coming forward, the director sits down and whispers "A re you ready for an acting and singing adventure of a lifetime?"


I don't understand what you are saying here.


This transition is so abrupt as to be confusing, at least to me.

Writing Feedback / Dangerous sports and activities - for fun, money, or for nothing [11]

Pay careful attention to verb forms. Write as simply as possible in order to cut down on the probability of errors creeping into longer and more complex sentences.

Undergraduate / A valid idea? [CommonApp Essay] [5]


This is an excellent idea! Write it!


Just FYI, not only Jews but also Roma ("gypsies"), homosexuals, people with disabilities, and leftists were incarcerated and killed at the camps. While the number of Roma was lower than the number of Jews, they lost a much larger proportion of their population, which was smaller to begin with.

Writing Feedback / Essay on Urbanisation [2]

For what purpose did you write this essay? I see you've got it posted under undergraduate admissions essays, but I suspect it is a TOEFL or IELTS essay. Please clarify.

Assuming that you are still working on basic English skills, what I'd like to see you concentrate on is verb tense. It's very important to keep your verb tense consistent, using past tense when writing of the past, present tense when writing of the present, and future tense when writing of the future.

A few corrections:

Traffic congestion is a major problem at the present day, especially during the rush hours.

The pollution of the environment is becoming more serious.

The quality of life has increased significantly.
or
The quality of life is increasing significantly.

Undergraduate / Paging Simone! What do addmission panels look for in essays? [7]

First, let me clarify my relevant experience. I've held two positions that have given me some insight about this. I was one of the graduate student members of the admissions committee for the graduate program in which I was an advanced student. At the same university (a top-tier state university), I held a job for which one of the duties was to explain -- repeatedly, to both students and parents -- how admissions decisions are made. On top of those two appointments, I've helped I-don't-know-how-many students write admissions essays, learning from their experience what works and what doesn't work.

Now, your questions:

What do admissions personnel look for?

This, obviously, depends on the school and the program. Top-tier liberal arts colleges and universities are looking for students who not only have the GPA, SAT/ACT, and extracurricular activities that every applicant has but who also add something interesting to the mix of the student population. Remember, these schools are choosing among a pool of applicants who all meet the minimum requirements. The question is: What are you going to bring to the school that will make it a better place for other students or a more vibrant campus community?

Sometimes, what schools want will change from year to year. If the marching band needs tuba players, then tuba players are in luck that year. Next year, it might be that the biology department is running low on botany majors or that enrollment in dance classes is running low. So, in your essay, you want to make sure to include any of your talents and interests that aren't already evident elsewhere on your application.

What kinds of things will make an essay stand out?

Really good writing. A fresh spin on the given topic. Vivid images. Real feeling. Smart humor. These admissions officers are reading essay after essay after essay... the ennui is enervating. Wake them up. Make them laugh. Make them cry. Put an image in their head they won't soon forget.

For example, we've been reading a lot of FSU essays here lately, and I know I'm not the only one tired of reading about Vires. Imagine how the admissions officers must feel! Why doesn't anybody ever choose one of the other virtues? I'll bet anybody who does would have an edge, if only because those reading the essay would be so grateful not to be reading about Vires.

What kinds of things make an essay stand out in a bad way?

Hubris. Lack of self-awareness. Hilarious grammatical errors.

How are they rated?

Every school has its own system.

How negatively will one or two misused words or grammar errors affect an applicant?

Not so much. That's what Composition 101 is intended to fix.

What if it is an egregious error?

All by itself, not so much if the essay is otherwise strong. But, in the context of lots of minor errors or in the context of a weak essay, an egregious error could hurt a lot.

How thoroughly are the essay read (how much time does a reader spend with each essay?)

Again, this varies from school to school. Typically, there is some weeding, so that the essays of those who don't meet criteria otherwise might not even be read. Those who make the first cut are supposed to get a full reading from whoever is assigned that function but, of course, eyes tend to skim over boring essays in which common topics are addressed in trite language.

Undergraduate / I feel like an idiot writing this - Fashion Institue Essay [9]


Let's explore this. Why? It might be useful for you to do some writing, just for yourself or to share, about this feeling because it might be blocking you from writing the even more fabulous essay you could write.

As for this draft, it's fine but I suspect it could be much stronger. For instance, your introduction is lucid but not particularly attention-getting. I know it might be hard, since you work primarily in visual rather than verbal images, but I wonder if you could come up with an image that shows (rather than tells about) your passion for photography.

Essays / common app short (activities) essay: strict word limit?? [10]

Unless you are a brilliant writer whose essay will be so compelling that the admissions officer will not want to stop reading it, stay within the word limit. These folks have to read hundreds or thousands of essays; they do not appreciate having to spend even a few more minutes on an essay that is over-long. Even if they don't formally penalize you, their feelings of crankiness might hurt you.

Book Reports / Need help writing an Abstract on Gay New York from the turn of late 19 century [5]


Sean, you seem stuck in the culture wars of the 1990s. For the record, I was harassed incessantly as a teen by thugs who used a common denigrating term for an aspect of my identity. It's not "foolishness" for me to ask people who don't share that identity feature to avoid the use of such terms, nor is it "foolishness" for anybody who has been so victimized to do whatever they need to do -- including using the slur among themselves so as to defuse it -- to maintain or regain feelings of self-worth in the wake of such social shaming.

Poetry / poem review [the wounded soul] [8]


That didn't quite come through for me. I tend to write quite terse poetry myself and find it useful to get feedback from a number of readers to give me a sense of what the different reactions to my symbolism (etc) will be.

For example, Sean's comment about Freud indicates that he responded to the sword metaphor in the context of a he-she relationship by seeing the common metaphor of phallus as weapon.

I was aware of that but it wasn't dominant for me. For me, the angry man/hurt woman theme evoked ideas about domestic violence.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

This may sound silly, but I find that using the sandwich method (which I don't always remember to do) improves the acuity of my own thinking. In trying hard to find something positive to say, I have to think a lot more closely about the work I am critiquing.

OOOPs-- Just realized I forgot to include a compliment on another essay! Let me go fix that!

Writing Feedback / Colleges for gain knowledge, new experience & prepare for future career - TOEFL [11]


Indeed. And, in literature as opposed to workaday prose, ornate sentences are still acceptable. (David Foster Wallace, anyone?) But for argumentative or informative essays, I believe that the modern preference for concision is an improvement. As Orwell pointed out, the obfuscation inherent in overly ornate prose can have ill effects.

Writing Feedback / Dangerous sports and activities - for fun, money, or for nothing [11]


Wow. Don't see that word too often!

Another popular motive is danger itself.


Organization is OK, though could be stronger. Arguments are fine. But, since this is the TOEFL, what you really want to work on is grammar. Your vocabulary is very good but your sentence structures are not always correct.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

Your essay will be stronger for having gone through this feedback process, however hard it has been and will be.

Writing Feedback / To be elected as the country's president gives prestige and honor. [2]

Do you know Corazon Aquino? If so, you must say how you know her. If not, then you have not answered the question. The question was not to reflect upon a famous person's life but, rather, to discuss the effect of success on a person you know.

Essays / Are established rules too limited to guide people in real-life situations? [4]

First, brainstorm. Sit down with a pencil and paper and write down every idea that comes to you without stopping to question whether this is a good or bad idea. After you have done this for some time, then you can look back at your list and decide which ideas can be used in your essay.

Another technique you might try to get yourself started is freewriting. Sit down with a pencil and paper, set a timer for 15 minutes, and then just start writing. Don't try to write an essay. Don't worry about spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Just write whatever comes to mind about the topic. If you go blank, keep writing. You can write the question over and over again until your brain unfreezes.

Once you have a better sense of what you think about the question, then you can start to think about outlining and then drafting an essay. But you've got to explore your thoughts -- in words, on paper -- first.

Writing Feedback / Cbest - Back to Basics [2]

One strength of this essay is your use of supporting evidence. However, you will need to work on your own basics if you want to pass the CBEST. You strive for high style, but this is undercut by very many very basic errors, such as use of the singular form of a word when the plural form is needed. Here are a few corrections:

Newpaper columnists and school educators express different opinions concerning whether it is a good or bad policy for public schools.

The Back to Basic curriculum improves students' skills , minimizes school expenditures and strengthens students' competitiveness.

NB:
student = one student
students = two or more students
student's achievement = the achievement of one student
students' achievement = the achievement of two or more students

Skilled professionals are the survivors in today's realm.

Just imagine your school district spends money in changing a History book every seven years. Has American history changed that much since we were preschoolers? Is it justifiable to continue changing books amidst the tremendous budget cuts for education? Of course not!

By the way, I can't believe you are arguing against updating textbooks. In so doing, you showcase your own lack of knowledge. You may want to rethink taking such stances if you will be taking the CBEST in hopes of gaining a job in education.


First of all, the Great Depression was an historical event. Some people liken what's happening now to the Great Depression but we are not in the Great Depression now. Second, depressions can't soar. A depression goes downward, not upward.

In summary: Your writing is creative and you have used sources well, but you need to be much more careful about the basics in order to pass the CBEST.

Letters / Cover letter for postdoc application [5]

As noted in my biographical sketch,


So... they can't call you to ask a long question or have a conversation? Unless you are so brilliant that post-doc programs are fighting over you, you might want to sound less like your time is so valuable that you would only be willing to speak with them briefly.

Undergraduate / "Moral Strength" and real life confrontation - need help with FSU essay [7]

Action verbs. Active voice.

Undergraduate / "Yellow blanket, sweet sixteen" - common application-topic of choice/feedback [15]

There are two issues: (1) active voice, and (2) action verbs.

In a sentence in the active voice, the subject of the sentence is the actor. In a passive voice sentence, the object of the sentence is the actor.

Active voice: Paul punched Bob.
Passive voice: Bob was punched by Paul.

Action verbs (also sometimes called active verbs, which does make things confusing) are all verbs that indicate action rather than a state of being. The verbs to be (is, was, were, etc.) and to have (had, has, have, etc.) are not active.

Contrast:
I am a person who enjoys running.
I enjoy running.

I had a bad cough.
I coughed.

Now, you look at your essay and figure out why I said what I said. (We're doing it this way because you are capable of finding the examples yourself and will learn more by doing so.)

Graduate / Essay for a MAS in Basel, Switzerland [3]


This is what your readers will want to know about, but you devote less than a sentence to it. Where did you witness such failures? Why, specifically, do you think this program will help you learn what you need to know in order to do such innovative peace work as you envision in Brasil? In order to make room for these critical details, take out superfluous sentences such as "I am eager to continue my studies," which is obviously true of anybody applying to any graduate program.

Dissertations / Need a topic for ph.d in retail management / fashion sector [10]

Have a look at our suggestions to other (allegedly) PhD level students who have posted similarly uninformed requests for dissertation topics. In short: Study your field, talk to your adviser, brainstorm, then post ideas or at least broad topics here for feedback and help in making the final decision about what topic to spend months or years of your life researching.

Essays / Bringing features from Africa to the US - Any Ideas on how to approach this? [3]


What "indicated features"? The poverty rates, etc?

Why the Czech Republic, of all places? Is your course perhaps distinguishing between developed, developing, and what have started to be called "transitional" economies?

What is the course?

What is meant by "implications"? Are you supposed to talk about these economic changes could be made or, rather, what would happen if they were made?

Sorry not to be more helpful. I need much more information before I can say anything coherent.

Book Reports / Need help writing an Abstract on Gay New York from the turn of late 19 century [5]

Be careful with "queer" -- If you are LGBTQ yourself and this is for an LGBT or women's studies course where "queer theory" and other uses of the term are common, groovy. But, of course, "queer" was and remains a term used to denigrate people believed not to be heterosexual. Its use by LGBT people is what is called "name reclaiming" and is considered slang outside of LGBT or women's studies courses. Its use by heterosexuals is dubious.

I am familiar with that book but I, like Sean, find your "abstract" confusing. Your first sentence is fine. Your second sentence is wobbly. You stop making sense in the third. Try to say what you mean more simply.

Student Talk / Exam passing tips - its my final year [71]


Forum members, listen up: When you take intro psych, pay attention to the sections on learning, cognition, and memory; they can help you for the rest of your college career.

Undergraduate / "Moral Strength" and real life confrontation - need help with FSU essay [7]

You may want to use the search feature on this website to see the kinds of essays other students have written for FSU on Vires. You will find that your essay doesn't particularly stand out from the crowd. You may want to think about that.

Also, someone who claims strength as a virtue ought to write with power. You use weak verb constructions -- there was this girl, there was this problem -- that undercut your presentation of yourself as someone who is all about strength.

Writing Feedback / Gay Marriage: Is It Right? [13]

As an ally of gay and lesbian people, you do a good job of expressing your empathy and awareness of the struggles LGBT folks face in life. However, much of this is background information rather than arguments or information in support of your position on the precise question of same-sex marriage. You may want to visit one of the websites associated with the struggle for same-sex marriage, such as the Human Rights Campaign, to get a sense of the facts and logic that are usually deployed in service of the argument that this is a basic rights issue regardless of how one personally feels about gay and lesbian people. One need not have empathy for gay teens -- who really are homeless at a much higher rate than other teens, due to being thrown out of their homes -- to argue that access to health benefits, tax breaks, etc. ought to be distributed equally.

Writing Feedback / Originality and thinking - GRE Issue No:2. [5]


How can you disagree with a fact?

Book Reports / In reference to "The Curious incident of the dog in the night-time" [8]

Yes, what you want to do is brainstorm all of the arguments you might make and then expose them to ruthless criticism in order to discover and correct their weaknesses. Then you want to brainstorm all of the points the other side might make, come up with refutations of those arguments and then, again, expose your refutations to ruthless criticism in order to discover and correct their weaknesses.

Undergraduate / 'Im a nole - SMARTER AND SURER' - FSU ESSAY [11]


No! This is a metaphor. Those characteristics are figuratively, not literally, in your DNA. There's no quicker way to signal a lack of intellectual power than to use the word literally improperly in this way. Instead say, simply:"Vires, Artes, Mores" literally is in my DNA.

Research Papers / Queen elizabeth as a poet - thesis statement incompleted [5]

Right, and you can put "like her father" and other details into your background or body paragraphs.