Graduate / Admission Form - General Admission Questions [6]

I need to combine my root knowledge areas of Computing and Information Systems with the Business discipline.

My passion to pursue a Masters degree in related discipline dates back to years in my first degree. What does this mean? Clarify this sentence.

It's become a manifest to me as I came out with a First class ...
do you mean you were first in your class?

I consider the University will provide me an excellent platform from which to continue my journey.
As a competent and capable individual, I'm looking forward to welcoming future challenges even more confidently with exposure gained from thelife and education.

I have come to a junction in my career voyage, and I feel that this course will provide me enough strength to choose the right way.

I have posses more than one year of industrial experience in IT Industry.

The skilled IT personnel will generate more competitive advantages in the businesses, and the likelihood will be increased when there are individuals who aware of the behavior of business.

This paragraph really says nothing of how you personally, will benefit.

My goal is to become a next generation Information Systems manager who can make use of the Innovative Technologies towards the growth of the business and identify potential business opportunities.

"I'm anticipated to gain all odds thrown by the program to invest in the future."
This sentence (above) is very unclear.

This course will reflects the skills relating to the IT and Strategic Innovation, therefore this investment will be evidently rewarding me in the coming years.

Fix up these things and repost for more fine tuning.

:)

Graduate / From Bioinformatics MSc In Finance [3]

You face some adversity right away in this situation, because decisive, driven students have clear plans, and wishy-washy students are indecisive. Of course, that is a terrible generalization, but my point is that you should present yourself in the best possible light. You should present this interest in finances as, somehow, a natural next step toward your clearly envisioned plan. For example, what will your work in fincnace have in common, for you personally, with the work you would have done as a bioinformatics graduate? Where is the tie between the two?

Only you know that tie, I guess.

The other idea that I will share with you is that it will be great if you convey the idea that you were swayed by your attraction to this school's excellent program and faculty in the finance program you are now choosing. Any particular faculty members at this school whose articles and contributions have gotten you excited about finance?

Graduate / MS in Computer Science -- Passion for Computer Research [8]

...with twenty-five squares each.

I think numerals are not as nice to look at as words (above). However, that is not important!! The essay is great, very impressive! Like I said before, it was great already, with just a little room for improvement here and there.

I won the first place for Paper Presentation in a National Level Technical Symposium(no comma needed here) for my paper "Wi-Fi and its uses in various fields of innovations".

Essays / Law & Society - Essay Proposal [3]

Wow, interesting issue! You have a great way of expressing yourself even here in this post... your introspection about rambling on and getting off track is impressive. It is good to be able to take an objective look at your process.

Have you found some good articles about this? Some feminists emphasize the importance of breaking free from societal expectations, so they promote nonconformity over adhering to social conventions. Other feminists emphasize the importance of women NOT perpetuating the trend of objectifying women, etc, so they would be opposed to public flaunting of sexuality. So, it depends on how you look at it, ande it is no wonder that you ran into difficulty.

However, you have an excallent topic!! There is no one right answer, because women are either perpetuating the problem by letting themselves be objectified or they are resisting conformity -- both of these can take the form you are writing about. Included are also practices such as wearing provocative clothing, erotic dancing, etc. It does not have to be all about the breasts! It encompasses all acts that can either be construed as resisting social pressure (which is good) or succumbing to the pressure to become obbjectified (which is bad).

The way to get through this essay is to spend some time explaining one perspecteve, and then the other. By the time you explain both arguments ( I assume you can find articles to cite for each argument.), you will be on page 4!! Then, you can get to the heart of the matter and shed light on the real issue, which is -- what kind of conduct from women will lead to greater gender equality for future generations?

Undergraduate / Essay for Study Abroad -- Language and Humanities [2]

I am not only I gifted in the study of languages and humanities, but also in math and science.

Wow, I love this essay. You had my attention from the first paragraph. It is enjoyable to read, for sure. In the last paragraph, though, you lost me a little by starting out with stuff about math and science... seemed like you started rambling. What has wanting to work for NASA got to do with being attracted to studying abroad because of having come from a small town? I say strike out the weak stuff:

Not only do I have a serious interest in languages and humanities, I am also gifted in math and science. It has always been one of my dreams to work for NASA as an aerospace engineer. Being a government organization that works on projects like the International Space Station, international relations and global awareness are key aspects to success in the field. Because I come from a very small town in southern Illinois, I have not been exposed to much cultural diversity-my trip to Mexico was the most culturally stimulating experience of my life. Studying abroad would...

Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

I may have reverted back to the other stuff by accident at some point.

(Don't write "reverted back to." Just write "reverted to")

Wow, I am pretty impressed with the essay now! You should feel good about how well you can cite the source, etc, and your clear writing. I'll be surprised if this does not get an A.

Research Papers / Need some help with research "Comics in Education" [3]

Well, to tel you the truth, the best advice I have for this is to google it. You'll find everything there is to be found. This topic is very important, and I think it is the sort of thing that deserves a dynamic approach. What comes to mind fo me is that comics are becoming less popular than they were when this idea was formed... and now there are other equivilents that you should embbrace in your paper -- video games in education, for example. Does a transition need to be made to apply the same principles to video games now that they are more popular than comic books?

Or maybe you take a pluralist standpoint and say that not all kids are motivated by comics, and not all kids are motivated by video games, so educators need to tailor their approach to each unique individual. I hope this helps you to get ideas for your paper!!

Writing Feedback / What do you think composition is? (this is the essay title we were given) [5]

I think it would be great to add a sentence to that intro paragraph to tell the reader that your appreciation for composition is influenced by your interest in visual art. Add a sentence to the first paragraph to explain that...

Oh, wait a minute! I thought you were writing about writing composition. I didn't know you were talking about composing a picture. So, the sentence you should add to the intro paragraph should tell the reader that you are writing about the composition of visual art.

In the second paragraph, too, it is good to add an intro sentence to explain the main point of the paragraph.

Your English is not rubbish!! Tell your teacher that I said so.

a path between two points .

Can you add more reflection to that conclusion paragraph? How about reflecting on how the composition of pictures is like the composition of other things in life, like a relationship or a career. In your refletive conclusion, say something thoughtful about the way composition relates to life.

Writing Feedback / Essay for TOEFL: "establishing a new university in your community" [3]

Wow, Tyler left nothing for me to correct! Here is one thing to strike out:

In sum, I myself agree with...

I think you will do very well on the TOEFL. Did you need much help to write this, or are you this skillful at English already? I think it is very impressive that you have learned a second language so well. I tried to learn Spanish, but I cannot write in Spanish nearly as well as you write in English...

Writing Feedback / a psychology research paper [2]

Hello! Gloria is not active as a moderator right now, but there are a few others of us...

now I hope I can still find room for improvement...

"Substance abuse is also referred as harmful or hazardous use of psychoactive substances which is alcohol and illicit drugs"
This sentence needs to be revised for clarity.

Psychoactive substances can lead to dependence syndrome, a cluster of behavioral, cognitive and physiological phenomena that develop after repeated substance use of such things as marijuana, heroin and alcohol. drink.

Drugs abusers that Abusers of drugs such as ecstasy or heroin can be found in pubs , disco places or even on the alley.

I think it's good to use " " marks when referring to a term:

...root of the term "substance abuse".

I like your writing style!!

Essays / "Why do you slay the righteous?"/ Narrative Essay - Story or Narration? [13]

Aside from the technicalities of what you need to do for a great essay, you are a great writer!! Your descriptions are good and interesting, and you still have a way of keeping to the "show, don't tell" rule. That in itself is a hard thing to do. Don't get discouraged, just twist up what you need, post it here, and we'll help you work out any kinks.

:)

Scholarship / I hopefully graduate suma cum laude in Cinematography [5]

One way to cut down the word count, would be to get rid of the whole first sentence. Start with the quote by your mother, and it makes it interesting right away. Also, the word "enriched" doesn't belong there.

All these films were presented in such a way that influenced my life.
Maybe this sentence (above) could be cut?

I believe every great movie touches people and they get a glimpse of unknown perspectives .

This scholarship opportunity could make a significant difference in my life and I would extremely regard it hope to be a valid and worthy candidate for your scholarship recognition. Your ending is strong and honest. It's great, but check this last sentence for clarity.

:)

Graduate / Personal Statement for Masters in Chemical Engineering [2]

During my secondary education , I accumulated hands-on experience in adjusting and operating experimental equipments, acquiring and analyzing data, constructing apparatus.

I studied GNVQ (ADV) Science in college where technical skills, my interest in science and my communication and interpersonal skills improved greatly. My research skills also developed tremendously while doing several courseworks.

This seems a bit stronger if we divide this into two sentences. (above)
When deciding on my undergraduate course, I had the opportunity to be exposed to the full range of engineering courses, all of which tended to reinforce and solidify my intense interest. in engineering and

"A precious aspect of my undergraduate education is my research experience and I also enjoyed working both within groups and on my own especially during my dissertation where I used MATLAB software to create a 3-dimension matrix."

again, this sentence can be broken up for clarity.

My experience of carrying out research and writing reports demonstrates my initiative and attention to detail.

In my spare time, I enjoy teaching and have volunteered for several years as a Maths, English and Science teacher in a youth club.

I also used to give weekly tuition in Maths, English and Science.

I am very aware of the excellent reputation of your university as it provides the best environment for graduate education, including a competitive and inspiring academic atmosphere, active and fruitful research, access to first-class facilities, and close interaction between students and its distinguished faculty.

Not only is this sentence another that could stand to be broken up, but also it's beginning to sound like you are sending this to many schools at once, as your description of it is vague and could be any school.

In this paragraph-----> I am very aware of the excellent reputation of your university ... I realize that admission into your university is highly competitive ...exciting opportunities that studying Chemical Engineering has to offer. I think you are too obvious about trying to make it general.. like you are sending the same essay to many schools. Spend a minute or two to find something unique to say for each school to which you are applying. Search online, etc.

Here are a few fixes, but most importantly, I wanted to say that this is impressive and that I think it will do well!!

Undergraduate / 'Focusing to get some sleep' - Upenn, 300-page autobiography [4]

I have heard many people ask a question about this one: Do they mean your whole life's story, or your story up til now? Perhaps opinions differ among admissions people, but I would choose to give page 217 from my future. When you are in your 60s perhaps, you'll be on page 217! So, perhaps you can look to the future and write about turning 57 years old and writing a journal article about your area of expertise.

I agree with Sean, both about your writing style and the need for a new essay.

Research Papers / Leon Trotsky, writing a research paper [3]

yes, the thing to do is read what others have written about him. (That is not stealing ideas from others; it's just how research works.) After you read one article about him, you will feel familiar. After reading 2, you'll have a basis for comparison. After reading 3, you'll probably decide to forget about one of them because 1 out of 3 usually is boring or confusing. After reading 4, you will have a favorite. after reading 5, you'll have a real opinion about the matter, agreeing with some writers and disagreeing with others! That is when you really have something interesting to say!!

Use those sources Sean mentioned to find articles.

Book Reports / help with an introduction, essay on "Tale of Two Cities" [4]

"Multitude" is singular.

In the novel Tale of Two Cities, there are a multitude of present themes is presented.

It is better to use the active voice, which means you should write:

Dickens presents a multitude of themes in the novel Tale of Two Cities.

From there, the next step is to eliminate unnecessary words to make it powerful.

Dickens presents a multitude of themes in the nove l Tale of Two Cities.

It has practically most themes known to British literature, including chivalry, romanticism, and societal responsibilities . (are these going to be the three topics covered in your essay? If so, that is cool!!) A great deal of the book surrounds the theme of romanticism, which is an idea that conveys "Beauty is truth, truth beauty-that is all you know on earth n all ye need to know" (Keats 14). Chivalry is most known for its Knightly manners and honorable actions. Lastly, is societal responsibilities is a key driving force for most of the book.

So, now you can organize the whole essay around those three. Cool!!

Research Papers / Argument for Global Warming, need some ideas [33]

Yeah, it really is just as easy to type "effects" "global warming" and "outline" into Google.

This site is not one of those sites where you can get free papers and avoid work. It's for people to collaborate sincerely, and work hard. However, just because someone posts a terse request for an outline does not mean they are trying to shirk their course work. Try googling the stuff I wrote above, and then write an outline in your own words. Tell us about the assignment and we can try to help you make it great!

Undergraduate / Topic for UTSA Engineering; Three People [4]

Cool topic! I would choos one faculty member from this school to which you are applying, even though that is not your intention. In theory, you are applying to this school because the people from whom you want to learn are the faculty members there!

I would also choose an inspirational figure -- if it were me, I would choose Deepak Chopra. You should choose an inspirational figure from the field you are interested in!

If you include those two, I think it is cool to choose the 3rd straight from the heart. Be honest. Who would it really be?

for example, if you choose 1.) a prof who teaches the subject you want to pursue, 2.) Barack Obama for his eloquence and idealism, and 3.) someone from your family, it will make you seem sincere and serious.

Undergraduate / Study Abroad Essay - Why You Would Like to Attend [7]

I think you should add a sentence, one more sentence, to the end of that first paragraph. Add a sentence that elaborates on the assertion that this university would be the best place. Add a sentence that will use interesting words and be memorable -- a sentence that captures the most meaningful truth about your unique aspirations and the unique atmosphere a this school. That way, the rest of the essay will be an explanation of a powerful statement.

Paragraph 2 is too general. Name some specific faculty members with whom you would like to study. What is your intended major? You will be more impressive if you have clear goals.

Another great aspect of Bogazici that attracts me is it's friendly atmosphere and ... will help me grow personally. (for this paragraph, add mention of specific interests that you have, which can be pursued on campus. Demonstrate knowledge of the campus that extends beyond pictures from the website, etc)

Make the whole essay more specific! Let them know what your specific plans are! (even if your plans might change)

Writing Feedback / Expository Essay "Keeping Kids Drug Free" [6]

Everyone has different ideas about what an expository essay is... like Sean said, it encompasses multiple categories. If you have been assigned to write an expository essay, and if the prof is going to scrutinize it for whether or not it is indeed an expository essay, then maybe I would suggest limiting the number of references to the reader. For example, instead of:

Ask questions as to what they have been doing or where they have been hanging out at .

Maybe you should change from imperative to declarative:

Effective parents ask questions as to...

Also, you might want to get rid of the rhetorical question at the end. Imperative sentences and appeals to the reader make it seem like a persuasive essay instead of expository.

Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / In the Kitchen: Constructing Identity [2]

I think you should expand the first paragraph to explain that thesis statement about exploring his own values. Make it four sentences long.

Paragraph 2, I think you should give a topic sentence that says something general about the effect he gets with his writing style. Then proceed with the paragraph as you have it.

Paragraph 3 is great! But what does this point about the title do to help explain your thesis? You should have a stateent in the first paragraph that you are explaining with all the rest of the paragraphs. That's what makes it the thesis statement. So, can you find a unifying theme? Find some truth that every paragraph of this supports... and write a sentence about it in the first paragraph.

Wow, your last paragraph would make a great intro paragraph!! If you make a new draft, I would like to see! Rather than telling ALL ABOUT the book, make a unique argument and stick with it through every paragraph. I see two good things to use as thesis statements:

Hair could be seen as a metaphor for the African American identity at the time where certain standards where prevalent, where to be white was good and to be black was bad.

or...

Based in an era of social change and cultural shifts, specifically assimilation, the text subtly explores the standards of the time and what they meant for him as an adult. (if this is to be your thesis, add another sentence after it to explain it in a more specific way.)

Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

As he blunders through New York, Holden eventually comes to regard life as a game, a battle of the phonies vs. the non phonies, which he does not want to take part in-for fear of losing his sense of self.

He realizes how, "if you get on the side where all the hot-shots are, then it's a game, all right" (8)

I think "the hill'' goes very nicely in the last sentence, it adds a bit of drama to the ending.

good luck!

:)

Scholarship / Philip A. Hart Scholarship [4]

I believe motivation is also an important attribute of mine in which I demonstrate on many occasions.

This is also another key characteristic that I believe I possess.

Another important quality in a leader is the ability to lead by example. Leading by example is a way of convincing people to listen and believe that following you is the proper path to follow.

Last, but certainly not least, interpersonal skills are another vital characteristic in a leader.

I take time to listen to others, valuing their opinions, and staying open-minded so that their voices are heard.
We had the ability to work together without confusion and push our way through obstacles that got in our way.

"It is not possible to be a good leader if no one is following." Good point!

Here are a few more tweaks, and if you take Sean's advice, this will be great!

good luck

Undergraduate / "Start young, think big, and stick to it" ; TRANSFER REASONS & OBJECTIVES [7]

The changes you made are good. I don't think you need help with the transition, it seems to become more personal there, which helps it to be less vague. It sure would help if you could just slip the name of each university into each essay so it won't seem like you really don't care which one you attend.

:)

Undergraduate / SMU Essay; Achievements and Volunteer Work [9]

No one wanted me on their team, so I could only watch others playing.

Every day was the same with practicing skills and watching; if I had not got the chance to play, I would have always been a newcomer.

Listening to their stories , I was deeply moved, and I was glad that I could contribute a little effort to the program that was helping them.

Here are just a couple more fixes to add to Seans.

Undergraduate / Acceptance Essay; Principles of Biomedical Sciences [3]

"Medical scientists commonly work with human and how the world around humans affect their bodies."
This above might sound better like;
Medical scientists study how our bodies are affected by the world around us.

The first sentence of each paragraph should be the main theme, or sum up the paragraph. Hook your reader with a great interesting first line.

:)

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Hey, now, what's all this about holding moderators to some special standard? I thought this thread was called philosophical warrior. If Sean wants to state opinion as fact... well... that is what I do, too. I state my opinion as fact, because it's factual as my observation. Factual relative to me.

I don't know what "vitriolic" means, but I hope it is an energy drink.

This is by far my favorite thread so far.

The fact that this sort of discussion can emerge from an essay is evidence that education is effective after all.

For whatever it might be worth... I had a personal experience of ... a sort of revelation... while participating in this thread... the sort of thing that I cannot capture in words...

Hey, incidentally, I have long enjoyed saying that "I don't believe in atheists." That is a great conversation starter right there... tell them they are refusing to admit they believe... hah ha. But then, back off, because people don't like to be told what they believe and what they don't. Heh, heh.

Mustafa, I neglected to mention: The argument that God's elusiveness... or the pain in the world.. is a "test of faith" is probably not a good argument to use. It's based on flawed reasoning that I'll leave you to sort out. I am extremely impressed by your intellect, intellectually, but I am extremely impressed by your introspective observation about Maturity with age will be to my obvious benefit...in a deeper way. That is some real wisdom. People do not ordinarily acknowledge that sort of thing... you seem to be some kind of genius, despite your large vocabulary.

Anyway, Tyler, this is a great contribution you made here! Thanks for starting this one and contributing so much of yourself! For the record, I don't think Sean or anyone else is being irresponsible, per se, even in light of your analysis. My favorite philosophical warrior, James Masayoshi Mitose, wrote: "Words are a difficult means of communication!"

Writing Feedback / "The Right To Have an Abortion" - my argumentative paper [20]

Yep, this is a great experiment in this thread... volitile subject matter.

About the in-text citations... to get you going, as a rule of thumb while you try to get good at referencing... just put the author's name in parentheses after some info you got from their book or article.

So...

The second draft should equal first draft minus 10 percent (King).

That is how to do it if you are using MLA. Are you using MLA?

If you use a direct quote, you have to give the page number:

King says, "The second draft is equal to the first draft minus ten percent" (14).

or:

"The second draft should be the first draft minus ten percent" (King 14).

That is how to do it in MLA style...

Writing Feedback / The Future of the Internet, Globalization, and Mankind [3]

"Internet" is a proper noun and should be capitalized throughout the essay. Also, the first paragraph should me a microcosm of the whole essay. Try to package up the essay in the first paragraph instead of making the first paragraph an explanation about what the Internet is. By "packaging it up" I mean that the first paragraph should SAY your main truth.

The first para is a microcosm of the essay, and the last para sort of is, too. The first para is a powerful microcosm of the essay, and the last one is a reflective one.

But the rule in essay writing is the same as the rule in advertising: Say it, explain it, and then say it again.

Aside from capitalizing Internet, the essay has not technical errors that I saw... just work on form.
:)

Undergraduate / From Peking University to Stanford [4]

I do enjoy my college life at Peking University, yetit's just I live in Mainland China, a country teeming with walls, from the Great Wall which elegantly snakes its way through half of the country to the tiny gray wall that guards our campus against the public.

To jump over the walls has therefore always been my ambition.

In 2007, I entered Peking University together with two thousand peers who were considered to be the most intelligent Chinese children.

I also keep in mind that I should make the best use of my college education and become a great person，for I am responsible for the millions of Chinese families whose kids did not go to college because they failed the entrance exams or could not afford the tuition fee.

My goal is to become the best female economist I can be in this male-dominated field, a great woman who makes contributions to the economy.

"Though my major is economics, I fell in love with the fantastic world of mathematics-the most challenging and rigorous of all intellectual pursuits."

Maybe you should say in your opinion!

The abstract mathematical model helped predict how a strike in the automobile industry would affect other parts of the economy.

I want to go to Stanford more than any other school in the U.S., because I know in my heart that this will satisfy my search for the best education and intellectual freedom.

The mathematics department is among the top in the U.S, which means to study and conduct researches closely with world-class faculty and top students from all around the globe.

"Though not perfectly professional, I established the Gymnastics Club in PKU, for I love this artistic sport which shows agility, flexibility and female beauty in a passionate way."

There are also many men in gymnastics!!

Here are a few small fixes, but your essay is focused and interesting.

Good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay:One Subject or Multiple? [3]

Without a doubt, all important discoveries cannot be the result of centering on one subject.

Isaac Newton, one of the most prominent scientists in human civilization, contributed significantly to modern physics by his discovery of gravity from the famous "falling apple" experience.

Had Newton not had the outstanding knowledge of calculus, he would not have been able to solve the problem of the "falling apple" and come up with one of the most influential theories, that of gravity.

The Large Hardon Collider was perhaps the most renowned scientific project in year 2008.
Although the god particle is tiny, more than three thousand scientists from all over the world who study in many different subjects gathered in Switzerland, the location for LHC project, to achieve their common goal.

It seems that this should be stated as a generalization, not as fact. Limit your words and stay sharply focused.

good luck!

Undergraduate / "Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep" SCAD Statement [6]

How about using italics for this question:

I have always wondered, Who it is that maintains these precious artifacts so that they can be enjoyed for generations?

The opening sentence, with the list of adjectives your friends would use about you... I don't want to say it is boring, because it actually does sort of capture the attention... but I think you can do better if you say something interesting about the field you want to go into and course of study you want to pursue. Keep it interesting, but consider starting off with a sentence about a concept, an ideal related to your field... not the list of adjectives...

If you tell WHY Renoir is your favorite you'll be more convincing...

Really, I am just nitpicking, because the essay is looking good.

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Well, it IS possible that consciousness came before form.

Believe that our consciousness depends on the physical body, and no one can tell you that you are in denial of your own mortality, but you are still forced to assume that this world of form came from nothing, somehow. Same as I, believing that consciousness came before form, am forced to assume that consciousness came from nothing, somehow.

This debate has nothing to do with you and I specifically, just a matter of reasoning.

You have to assume either that 1.) form spontaneously existed and makes consciousness possible, or that 2.) consciousness spontaneously existed and makes possible a dream about form. Believing that form came before consciousness is not any easier to believe than my way.

Most people seem to think that form came first and made consciousness possible. I think that idea seems far-fetched, because form doesn't just go around infusing itself with consciousness. Dreams, on the other hand DO routinely involve a body and an environment, and questions that are impossible to answer and yet, during the dream, we often just use willing suspension of disbelief -- like we do in life.

Most people seem to think that form came first and made consciousness possible. But my intuition tells me otherwise. Why do people reject the idea that consciousness could have come first? I think you MUST concede that there is no reason to assume form came first.

For the sake of argument, assume form somehow began to exist and became conscious.
For the sake of argument, assume consciousness somehow began to exist and had a dream.

Which is more far-fetched? They are both far-fetched, and yet here we are!

You cannot say that it is somehow less likely that consciousness existed first! Unless you can come up with a serious argument to support the idea that form probably came first, and became conscious, you HAVE to at least concede that it is AS likely for consciousness to be having a dream as it is for form to have become conscious.

Really, to me it seems way more realistic that consciousness is having a dream, especially given the trippy and fantastic nature of this world of form. Isn't it obvious that this is a dream? We don't remember its beginning, and it is inexplicable. Just like microcosms and macrocosms are observable everywhere in nature, the dream you had last night is a microcosm of a larger dream.

So, row your boat. If consciousness is having a dream about form, death ends nothing.

Writing Feedback / The Ultimate Controversy: Argument Essay [19]

That's why it's a necessary evil! I understand what you mean, but the term "necessary evil" is not used to cast judgment on anything.

The term "necessary evil" is, in itself, a little contradictory. When we apply that term to something, we mean to ironically say that we are judging it as evil while simultaneously acknowledging that it is necessary. It is contradictory even in itself, because you can't very well call somebody "evil" for doing what is necessary.

So, I am not calling judgment "evil," just inconvenient. A necessary but irksome thing to have to do. It is true that even a devout meditation practitioner must use judgment.

The need to judge is one of the many things that constantly get in the way of our practice. Same as when someone is punching you in the face. Heh, heh. When something gets in the way of my practice, I have to give is a whirling spin kick and slap an arm lock on it, maybe twist its ear. That's a necessary evil, too! :)

Writing Feedback / Summary Writing on the issue of Urbanization [7]

Hi, this looks great, with no errors that I can find. However, when I write an article summary, I refer to the author and the article throughout. I start by telling the author's main points, and how they are explained. However, I don't think it is necessary to do it that way..

The most important advice I can give you is to succinctly summaraze the article in the first paragraph -- the essence of it -- and then elaborate in the body paragraphs. Then, at the end, you can reflect on the whole thin again. It should look like a one-paragraph summary followed by a summary in several paragraphs, and finally a reflection on the whole thing at the end. That means I think you should change your intro and conclusion to serve introductory and concluding purposes.

Nevertheless, it is already looking good!

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Man, I still haven't heard Dawkins make an argument that I did not make in my 7th grade religious education class. He is just a bully targeting an easy target (fundamentalist religions) and he groups all religion together... even grouping ideas of the continuity of exprience and an afterlife together with god-concepts -- as if the notion of continuity of experience is somehow dependent on a fairytale-like god-concept. Grr... don''t get me going about Dawkins -- I have seen interviews with that smug bully. He is irresponsible to influence people to turn away from "religion" as if all religion is as insane as fundamentalist religious belief systems. In Chapter 2 of his God delusion book, he casually groups together the afterlife concept with the god concept that he rejects.

My God, is it any harder to believe in a creative force than it is to believe that all this somehow came from nothing? I am part of the intelligence that animates this matter. Dawkins, Bill Maher... those guys are right to give a reality check to fundamentalists, but they should take a minute to acknowledge that sacred something that inspires reverence that I can feel in my spine... they make people miss the point.

Sorry for the digression!

Essays / Personal narrative about an experience from high schoolabout an experience [3]

Yes, the beginning is awesome! The essay needs something added, though. It would be good to add somthing that IS meaningful as wrestling loses it's meaning. It would be good to add some "moral" to the story. I think it is looking great and I can't wait to see how it ends. Was it really that you did not want to exert the effort, or had you become preoccupied with another interest?

Also, I see some capital letters thrwon in where they do not belong... so be careful of little typos.

If you conclude with an explanation of what you learned about yourself, take a key word from that explanation and use it in the first paragraph, too. That will make the essay integrated, from start to finish.

Writing Feedback / The Ultimate Controversy: Argument Essay [19]

"Non-duality"

Great question! I stand by my assertion that judgment is a necessary evil. I am a big fan of Eckhart Tolle, who names "nonresistance to the present moment" as "the most powerful force in the universe." Explaining that one is beyond the scope of this post, but I'll also mention that I am a big fan of Jon Kabat Zin, who explains looking at something in a meditative way as looking at it without letting the mind pass judgment on it. I am also a big fan of Jesus, who said, "Judge not!"

I see judging is a necessary evil, because, as a quasi Buddhist I see all this superficial mind activity as the source of trouble in the world. No busybody rant in the head means no running around getting in other people's business. Going beyond judgments of good and bad is the essence of the nonduality taught by the Buddha.

The Bengali poet Rumi wrote something like:

"Beyond all notions of good and bad there is a field. I'll meet you there."

Even if this is not all just a dream, the inevitability of death means that... it may as well be a dream! Judgment is what we do when we should be quiet-mindedly experiencing the present moment. Judgment is "necessary" for survival, but "evil" in the sense that it gets in the way of the bliss that keeps us peaceful. Judgment is an inexact, imprecise, imperfect process, but it is used to control others, and that alone qualifies it as evil.

Research Papers / Outline for death penalty research paper? [11]

Wow, "contradistinction" is a good word that I'll have to start using!!

Well, when trying to get through a paper, I can simply present the Singapore facts with emphasis on what supports my thesis... and when trying to "get through" a paper, a trick that I am proud of but perhaps should not be is the trick of adjusting the thesis to fit everything! But for a paper written to high standards, I agree with you that not every article will be appropriate...

Writing Feedback / "Animals should have rights too" - Argumentative Essay (Rogerian Style) [3]

Hello!

A Rogerian argument is very focused on the counter-argument. That means you need to spend some time showing that you understand the opposing argument -- and refuting it.

One example of the opposing argument is that it is "natural" to eat animals. People have even pointed to native Americans as examples -- like, they hunt, and they seem to represent closeness with nature, so hunting must be natural, right? Well, many native Americans get upset about being used as pawns in argument (see Champagne's Contemporary Native American Cultural Issues )

For your essay, try to eliminate 25% of the words, and say it all in less space. Cut out some of the statements of the obvious, like "Animals cannot have the same rights as humans. They cannot enter our society or make moral choices. They do not know right from wrong, as we do..."

After eliminating a big portion of this t refine it and make it sleek and powerful, you can express the counter-argument in words -- and refute it.