Undergraduate / 'volunteering at Ability First' - University of Southern California Transfer Essay [10]

For the first one, you can omit the first sentence and get right into it: For two years...

What I got from that was that tennis is important to you because it creates new friendships and because it taught you the importance of teamwork. Can you segue into talking about the roles that leadership and teamwork will play in your intended major or career? Why is tennis really important to you? Say it directly somewhere in the essay.

And did you really become captain because you wanted to "learn responsibility, teamwork, dedication, and motivation," or are these the qualities that you began to develop AS A RESULT OF taking this leadership role?

Next one:

My Economics professor once said, in clas s that , "Econo mics is the study of scarcity," and that means we have to make choices based on consideration of cost or trade-off.

This is great stuff! You seem clear headed about your aspiration.

For the third one, consider switching the order of the paragraphs, so that you focus on positive things about this school before talking about the negative things (i.e. the ghost town). All of this seems very genuine and impressive.

Undergraduate / USC Admissions Essay (Cinema Major) - an external influence [3]

...glazed with rain on the evening of...

His backyard was sprinkled...

floated across the murky water, among the coy...

Congratulations! You have a talent for this. Writing in a funny way, I mean. The "hard part of a rock" calls for one more sentence to make it make sense, to acknowledge or some how have fun with the funniness of referring to the "hard part" of a rock... one more comment about it or something, something about how you knew it was the hard part of that particular rock...

As for cutting out a sentence or two, you have to do it like cutting weak players off the team. It's sad and unfortunate, but they have to go! Stephen King calls it "killing your darlings," when you edit away things you have written.

Good luck!!!

Essays / COMPARISON AND CONTRAST PARAGRAPH - Savannah GA vs Roanoke AL [10]

Yes, and when you have made that list Sean mentioned, draw a conclusion! or... consider the implications! or...share with the reader an insight about the two places! or... what truth about life and living environments does this list of similarities and differences between these two places reveal?

Undergraduate / the passion for mathematics and sciences - U of I admission essay [5]

How about:

...did not look for others to find the answers to this common question;

Wow, great stuff! Now, WHAT WILL ENABLE YOU TO CONTRIBUTE? You should name it, specifically. It is a combination of inquisitiveness and the drive to find answers. Or something like that. You can add 2 or 3 sentences to transform this description of your aspiration into an exposition of your ability to contribute.

Can you add a para about some quality that makes this school special, and tell how your inquisitiveness will enable you to contribute to that aspect? Oh... I see that you say you are over the limit.

It sees that this essay about your aspirations belongs somewhere else in the application! Can you use this space to mention a good quality of the school, or a good program or organization, and how you can contribute to it? Save this great content for the essay about your academic and professional ambition.

Undergraduate / Do I have to take MCAT for Pharmacy ? [6]

I don't know, but here is a faq

career.cornell.edu/HealthCareers/MCAT/basics.html

Research Papers / 2 view of mississippi river vs. some reflection on american manner. [4]

Yes, this kid of assignment is great! I looked online for an article about these two essays, so that i could link you to it, but it seems that little has been written about them together! That makes this a meaningful project! Now, what you should do is read an analysis of each, and look both guys up in wikipedia, so that you really understand what they are all about, and then go back and read each essay. Read and reread. After the first one, write a paragraph about what you got from it. After the second one, do the same. This essay is not just about those two, and their opinions -- it is about YOUR view.

Old English, Shmold Shmenglish... You CAN interpret these in your own way. After every sentence, there is a period that you can stare at until the truth of the sentence elicits a response in your own mind. Periods are good focal points for meditation.

This hould help with Twain: carolinanavy.com/fleet2/f2/zkilldevilhill/MarkTwainhall/cas/ 145.html

Undergraduate / U of Michigan Short Answer - Diversity, engineering [5]

If you want to start with the quote, you can get rid of some of this to make room for it:

Maybe you should start with that quote, and continue with "Diversity provides..."

It would be good if, with a single sentence, you can make it so that this description of coming from Turkey is represented by a single, memorable experience. Such an experience is what the prompt asks for.

For the second one, it is too bad you have to cut it down to 250 words, but here is some help:

Try cutting out the intro stuff and start with:

Industrial engineering caught...

Although I cannot name a single, life-changing experience that...

The rest of this is strong, good content!!

I think you'll do great!!

:)

Undergraduate / U Michigan Setback essay ("departed from high school since graduation") [8]

How about: streetlights stopped streaming through...

It sounds nice that way, with a "st"alliteration. And "pierce" implies "through," so "pierce through" is sort of redundant.

A blackout fell on my home. I spoke a word aloud , but no one in my family answered me -- none of them would be back from work earlier than ten o'clock. I was alone at home, always, from day to night, from summer to winter. I hate darkness, and I hated this particular darkness for awakening the loneliness in the depths of my mind.

...and as a Chinese student who could just barely speak the very simple English...

The world seemed to be collapsing...

You can shorten this by taking out unnecessary words, like this:

The "war" started on the graduation day.

You can also shorten it by taking out some of this:

It made me felt finishing the leftovers of dinner few days ago. Sometimes my head was burning with pain and irritation when I fell asleep, but I gradually liked this feeling of challenge. Another barrier was laziness. I felt a driving force prevent me from getting up early and sit long stably in front of desk with no school bound.Durin g after this struggle I arranged a schedule that detailed from morning to night, including the "classes" I gave myself every day. I also set up alarm clocks on my cell phone to wake me up on standard school time. Though idleness sometimes unconsciously crept onto my head, I looked at my schedule and asked myself why I stayed at home and then somehow alleviated the resistance of grasping my pencil. Trouble also lied on communication. However, I appreciated that my high school college counselor still accepted me and was willing to help me. We even became close friends. Now I sailed on the right path, the unique route of my own.

Undergraduate / 'Team leader and vice president' - How has your Environment influenced you [4]

This taught me to learn about sharing and caring for my 3 siblings equally.

I went to a Catholic school until the eighth grade.

This type if education is very strict and demanding which teaches individuals to act with respect towards others.

There are so many skills and qualities that I apply today to my life and carry throughout my whole existence, where primarily build at home and school.

These different values and skills that I have received from my parents and teachers throughout my childhood and adolescence have made me stronger in mind and body, a skeptical person, a better critical thinker, sociable, hard worker, a better person, but most important of all have helped me reached all my goals that I have set in mind, and making me want more. and more.

As today in all colleges I have been I have marked a path as a team leader and as a vice president as well as member of the honor student association.

This sentence needs to be rewritten, it is unclear. Try this:

As of today, in all colleges I have attended been I have established myself as a team leader both as a vice president and as member of the honor student association.

Here are a few little fixes, but the essay is good overall.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / U Chicago, desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future. [5]

I was staying in New Jersey and only for a limited amount of time. I did, however, perform extensive research on the University, and have spoken to a cousin of mine who is an alumnus of the school. He majored in Economics.

For instance, Milton Friedman, despite his background in Economics, conducted a number of metallurgical studies, which exemplifies the University's encouragement of students to broaden the scope of their research, and renowned interdisciplinary approach towards education.

In subjects that I enjoy I make regular readings. This sentence needs to be fixed.

There does seem to be a lot you could cut out, but overall it is a good essay, with a good strong conclusion.
Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / UofM-Setback Essay ("be active and outspoken in both business and life") [4]

As I walked in a daze down Wall Street, I bumped into numerous rushed business people with their cups of coffee and briefcases in tow.

The thirty interns would be split upinto teams, and each team would receive $200,000 to trade any stock or commodity it wished.

Before I knew it, I had transformed into the person I was initially intimidated by.

This is a good essay, good luck in school!

:)

Graduate / Temple Doctoral PhD Program App; Statement of Goals [3]

My goals are to find methods to increase graduation rates of inner city youth, develop and implement programs that support students' learning and growth outside of the classroom, and ultimately utilize the skills I've learned to develop and build an educational media company center.

I believe that every student should have the opportunity to receive a quality and higher education.

The way I am interested in developing programs outside of school that enhance formal learning in the classroom.

My mission is to increase my knowledge of the methods, theory, and strategies of programs outside of the classroom and to dynamically present this in ways that can improve academic achievement in formal learning.

I believe that the Urban Education Program is a great fit for my goals because it is diverse in its coursework, student and faculty and it has relationships with and projects in schools and organizations that serve populations I am interested in reaching out to.

This sentence, (above) needs help, as it is confusing. This last sentence also, is one that could be better, as you need a strong finish!

I believe that the professors and students at Temple are some of the most remarkable in their field, and that building relationships with them will lead to a more profound perspective of and a rewarding career in education.

Graduate / My interest in chemical engineering dates from my teens. Provide your comments about my SOP [4]

I always thought it would be great if we could get rid of these destructive emissions.

Indeed these two main issues led me to consult with my teachers and finally choose chemical engineering as my undergraduate field of study.

Now since I decidedly hope to work as a professor & professional researcher at university, I am determined to pursue my study at higher levels(first MSc and then PhD).Toward achieving this ambition, I want to expose myself to the best educational environment where I can have a bright view of my future.

By consulting with my professors and searching in internet, I realized that your university has a superb international reputation. Besides I have found that there are many S graduate students there, which will be a fine assistance for me if I get the honor of acceptance into your university; moreover, eminent faculty members with research interests similar to mine &state of the art research facilities have made me to choose your chemical engineering department as my future dream of studying abroad.

Telling about my experiences I can mention that i In my junior year I was granted a student internship at Xx Petrochemical Company. I worked about three months at the urea production unit and became familiar with the complicated process of producing urea from ammonia and CO2.

I am also very enthusiastic about investigation of nonlinear empirical
models such as Nonlinear Auto-Regressive Moving Average with Exogenous Inputs (NARMAX )model to obtain simple&reduced order nonlinear processes models.

Here are a few little tweaks, but how long is this supposed to be? If you have to take anything out, perhaps some of the technical things could be left off, as it is somewhat confusing. Otherwise, nice essay.

Undergraduate / UAlbany Admission Essay. Unsure about rough draft. [5]

However, the thought of it kept me running home every day after school, and if I had ever been denied to it I would cry, scream, and thrash my arms about. I was a child, I did not know any better.

At first, people just laughed. Surely, they had thought, in time I'd just forget about it and find something more enjoyable. To me, nothing was more enjoyable. My fingers traced the pages of comic books, reading their every words , eyes fixated on every artistic curve of their pen.

It was in my sophomore year that I had an idea. Surely, there were many others that had the same obsession that I did, I was sure of it.

It wasn't until after I had graduated that I had noticed the impact it had on me.

I grew out of the comic books and animated TV shows, but I indulged myself every now and then, and grew into wanting to know more about the language and culture.

Great essay, and the end you just submitted here wraps it up nicely!

:)

Undergraduate / Gettysburg Supplemental essay; Most Impressive Performance award [4]

No, no the second paragraph is fine, I just meant the words to the song. The conclusion is great.

:)

Undergraduate / Personal statement AUS [4]

It is because I find chemistry so fascinating and the idea of chemical engineering so appealing, that I have chosen to follow it as a future career path.

My general knowledge is stimulated by the many books such as Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar', Paulo Coelho's 'Veronika decides to die'and 'Life of Pi' by Yann Martel. I enjoy reading, but like many people, music is my first love, in particular techno and trance music.

This is great, it sounds as if any shcool would be luck to have you as a student!

:)

Undergraduate / We have only one space left in UB's freshman class, tell us why you deserve for this place? Buffalo [16]

My diverse culture has supplied me with background knowledge about how to interact with people from different societies, and my experiences with those people have opened many gates to handling a myriad of personalities and situations.

That is just an idea! But the essay looks good, anyway. Check the spacing near that period at the end of the first sentence, though.

Writing Feedback / College Dropout Rates - vause & Effect Essay in 3rd person, need direction [5]

There was much to be anticipated when Denise, a then high school student envisioned college. She had spent countless hours filling out admissions and scholarship applications, and she talked about all the details of the campus and classes, to anyone who would listen.

About the style, I like it! But is it what the teacher expects? If you are conscientious enough to run this by the teacher, and then take any advice she gives, you can't help but get an A!!!

:)

Undergraduate / "to smile and be enthusiastic" - Umic Diversity short answer [2]

Their reactions made me and happy and melted my heart and they made me confident, happy, and blissful. Even now, I still clearly remember their smiling faces after they received the color pencils, and I think I will never forget it.

Wow, you are a good writer!!!

You are right about not mentioning the word.. it is a problem, but only a small one. Your experience showed you how a cultural exchange can lead to profound understanding and warm, humanitarian efforts. Tell'em that!

Undergraduate / Gettysburg Supplemental essay; Most Impressive Performance award [4]

It's the annual AIDS Talent Show fund -raising concert...

I guess I just think that you should edit for conciseness. Try to take out a few sentences and phrases. It is a great, inspiring story, but tone down the anxiety you felt before going on stage. The great part is when you experience the mixture of "reluctance and a desire for exposure"... I really like that!!

I think you should omit the song lyrics.

Yes, it is great to realize that your success also means success for those you support! Very well done.

Undergraduate / Cornell: School of hotel administration [2]

...who wants to have an early focus...

...the management of organizations , and ...

The quality biggest thing that I love most about Cornell's program is...

You did a great job with the first one, very thorough!

For example, there exist exquisite techniques involving how and when to add salt, soy sauce, garlic and hot pepper.

How about cutting out some of the stuff about cooking in order to tell about some other relevant experience?

I used to ponder about the best ways for a student to...

Oh, I am sorry to say, you should re-work this third one and focus on academic challenges and accomplishments!! Classes you took, papers you wrote, academic accomplishments, study habits, and examples of how you applied that initiative to the intellectual pursuits of SCHOOL. You missed the mark in that third essay. :)

Fourth one... get rid of the weak sentences at the start:
There are several aspects about myself that I feel proud of. First is my interpersonal skill. I have served in the Student Union for several years as the vice president of...

...mine, too. In addition to those interpersonal skills, I have the ability to coordinate events. I was responsible for a dance in the 11th...

...

Most importantly, I have confidence. In the 18 years of...

Just ideas, you can take them or leave them!! Good luck!!

Essays / An argumentative essay on Louis Riel: hero or villain? [11]

If that is what your teacher suggested, it is a good idea! How can a teacher give you a bad grade if you carefully follow his/her advice? I always use the advice of teachers, and I make it obvious so that they feel appreciated!

About which to choose... it is interesting to just be perfectly honest and admit that a person can be both hero and villain. Indeed, we all probably are both.

Take the teacher's advice, and write from the heart.

Undergraduate / UMich short answer 1 (cultural difference) [3]

I think it would be better without the quote from En Carta. You can start with an original, interesting idea that grabs the reader's attention?

It is a week long affair where students indulge in team building activities. Toget the ball rolling, the students have interactive sessions with eminent political leaders, social workers, industrialists, entrepreneurs, journalists, artists and celebrities.

The essence of the event is such that complete strangers from around the globe become lifelong friends.

Here, diversity exists not only in matters of religion or race, but also in language, culture, practices, and lifestyles.

Because of this kaleidoscope of diversity, it is difficult to share just a single experience through which I gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences.

Wow, you won me over with the second paragraph. This really answers the prompt well!

Writing Feedback / USC Cinematic Arts Essay (Emotionally Intense Moment) [5]

My fourteen year old mind was clouded with fright as I stood shaking on the stage in front of a room full of my peers.

I had worked too hard.

Students who never saw this side of me before, burst into laughter and applauded the lines I had written.

Each time I graced the stage, I continued to chip away at the disorder that haunted my childhood.

Oh, man, that was a powerful essay! Great interesting subject, and well written.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Stevens Inst. of Tech: how your ungrad will contribute to 21st century [3]

Through the application of creativity, inquisitiveness, and analytical skills, engineers collaborate together to build astonishing structures, apply new technological concepts for new and even old products or structure, and to innovate the past for creating something new.

It will be able to innovate, to renew, and to build on our society in order to help a wide range of people. What does this mean?

Rotating buildings were developed and conceptualized by a collaboration of engineers and architects.

It is crucial that we revive our earth and create solutions to challenges which will help many people.

I don't think of engineering as a job, but rather as something that I would passionate to be a part of every moment of my life.

This essay really is going to do well, because your enthusiasm and willingness to work hard seem apparent in the way you write. I think the blandness that Sean mentions comes from a lack of examples... can you give examples for the ideas you convey, and SPECIFIC plans for your future? I think you will have a lot of success with this as you keep working with it.

Undergraduate / USC Short Answers (Cinema Major) [4]

These are great. Well written and interesting, and the last one was very funny, it's great that you put that story in there.
Good luck in school.

:)

Graduate / med school secondary application [4]

I have this urge to help people.

I want to make a difference in people's lives.

As an OD, I will treat the person as a whole, will spend time getting to know the person, gain knowledge on how home and work affect their health, work with the person to develop healthy habits and lifestyles .

That's what I intend to do through osteopathic medicine.

The location is perfect for me.

From its curriculum to its faculty to its technology and to its clinical opportunities, PCOM fits my needs. The location is perfect for me I always wanted to live in small urban city where it is easy to get places and where things are readily available. From his curriculum to his faculty to his technology and to his clinical opportunities, PCOM fits my needs.

Through my clinical experience, I've learned how to best relate, empathize and communicate with people around me.
Through my four years experience in childcare, I've acquired qualities such as problem solving, patience, and endurance.

On the other hand, why should PCOM choose me?

I look forward to having the opportunity to attend PCOM and one day be able to look upon my diploma as a commission to help people who need it most.

Here are a few spelling and grammatical fixes, but I think your essay would be so much stronger if you start it a few sentences in, where you have the word, "after".

How does this sound for an opener...
"I have seen my friends suffer in hospital beds, because their parents did not have enough money to buy their medication. I have seen people die on their way to another hospital ..."

Hope this helps!

:)

Graduate / How have people, events, and/or situations in your life influenced .... [7]

Well, that is no easy task, but it's a common challenge writers give to themselves. You are a good writer, for sure, so you are at a stage where it is great to refine your verbs. It's tough, though, because the point of taking out the forms of "to be" is to say something specific instead. Here is my idea for this part, if I were to mess with perfection:

Friends Among friends, I sometimes jokingly refer to me as "your friendly neighborhood Spiderman"-in part because I'm involved in so many activities that I could really use some web-shooting skills to get around! I'm no superhero, of course (though I do inten d gladly to apply when there is a job opening in that field), but I feel proud and thankful when I think about the person I've become and the contributions I've made, and thankful for the influences that have shaped my character .

The idea is to communicate with direct and poignant words, and specific verbs, with no wasted punches, and keep is action-packed. Adverbs, passive voice, and unnecessary words and phrases make writing watery and weak.

Check out On Writing by Stephen King. Also, check out the EF Contributor page, because you're a great writer!

Undergraduate / 'Do not stop questioning' - umich short answer (250 words) [3]

Take out commas that interrupt col rhythm, and you can make it direct and powerful, like a sword thrust:

That quote from Albert Einstein is one that I live by.

How about a few specific professions for which biology will lay a good foundation? What are your top three ideas for the kind of work you will do every day? Knowing that will make you appear more resolute and driven.

How about acupuncture??!! That's what I would do...

Undergraduate / I have always prided myself on my ability to make delicious rojak - U of Wisconsin [7]

This version is great! I like everything about it. You seem like an interesting, humble, well-spoken student with a good sense of humor. I choose this one... also, here is an idea:

Besides achieving my goal of becoming an engineer, I hope to develop as a "rojak" that combines different Asian cultures into one, and to bring new perspectives, cultures, and experiences from the East to the West.

Undergraduate / Returning to college at the age over 40 - how would this education change your life? [9]

You have to speculate a little bit about the great, meaningful change that will come about as you progress toward this degree and after you succeed. I think your story is heartwarming and inspirational... and although it is true that, as Sean said, this focuses on the future, a "change" involves contrasting past against future. The material you have here is great, and you should use it as the second paragraph of the essay. Right now, write a third paragraph by telling what CHANGE you expect to result from this process. Then, write a very brilliant and reflective conclusion paragraph. Finally, go back and write a powerful intro paragraph that grabs the reader's attention!

Does that seem right? You seem like a good communicator, not surprising considering your profession. I hope you have a great experience in school! :)

Undergraduate / My commonapplication "The Picture" [7]

It isn't boring at all, it's touching, thoughtful, refreshing, and well written.
Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / I'm independent, persevering, enthusiastic and abiding goals type of person [4]

I imagine(or believe) that if somebody asks the people who know me best, they will describe me as an independent, persevering, enthusiastic and goal oriented type of person.

This is why I believe that my person will contribute toand cooperate with UCF in a positive way.

For example, volunteering to help other students, clubs or even any department that seeks for my help.

I believe the qualities and characteristics I posses that would allow me to contribute to the UCF community, is that I try to show everyone that everything is possible if you work hard and never give up, that I strive to eliminate stereotypes or discrimination against any flaw that the student might have, change people's preconceived notions, and show my peers that it truly is what's on the inside that counts, your desire to achieve what you set in mind already.

This sentence, above, is way too long, you need to divide it up.

If I am given the opportunity UCF will not be disappointed bytheir decision. that has made.

:)

Undergraduate / (Reborn Me) - U of Texas Topic E Issue of Importance [2]

This experience has completely changed me. Before this, I never thought street dance and Chinese dance could be combined. together.

With the help from Peter, I had tried different combinations.

As long as we hold our beliefs and work toward accomplishing them, we can paint rainbows even on the darkest of nights.

Because of my acceptance of Peter's request to choreograph and perform, I had greatly reduced his burden, and we held this event successfully.

I would rather study for examinations, read scientific encyclopedias and study about world cultures.

Because of this experience , I am no longer lack of confidence and now dare to pursue my goals.

I am no longer the old Kent Yee who was indifferent to
the people around him.

I LOVE your last paragraph!!
Your sleepless night was well worth it!

:)
Good luck.

Undergraduate / I have always prided myself on my ability to make delicious rojak - U of Wisconsin [7]

Oh I think this essay is fine! I meant for the U of Texas essay you might send something different.

:)

Undergraduate / 'From Cuba to the USA' - UCF Admission Essays Help [7]

Have you ever been forced to change the way you lived?

Imagine moving into a place where it's the complete opposite of where you lived before. Being forced to change your language, you're culture, everything about you changed.

I came from Cuba when I was a little boy and the culture here seemed just the opposite of Cuba's culture.

It was a big change for me; I went from a happy energetic little kid that was never shy, to a kid that was shy and never wanted to do anything fun.

The culture's were just way to different.One was energetic and festive and the other was too calm and boring.

I know that living here really changed me, because arriving to a new country always changes people.

I started working on grammar, but I should wait until I see if you are going to take Sean up on his advice!

:)

Graduate / How have people, events, and/or situations in your life influenced .... [7]

You are a great writer. It is interesting all the way through, and if you do as Sean suggests, it will be perfect.

good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / The Unspoken Journey of an Evolving Ambition [6]

I don't understand this part: ...that the school acknowledged so much.

Oh, I finally figured out what you meant with this weird format! Very creative... I think it would be best if you changed those headings to transition sentences. Introduce each subsequent section by telling the reader what is to come. Right now it is confusing, which is unfortunate, because it is very creative and interesting!!

This whole piece will be better if, at the end of the intro paragraph, you tell the reader that this is a story of overcoming the odds and becoming empowered. If you change it to "evolving confidence" it will be more accurate -- and not sound so pompous at the end. Change it to focus on how you used to lack confidence because of the difficulty in leveling up, but then you got this empowerment from a kind teacher. You can change the end of this essay to express your modesty as well as your perfection.

:)

Undergraduate / I like to consider myself as a fledgling learning how to fly. USC transfer - me against the world [7]

Change to: Each instance of adversity was like a teacher to me, and it trained me in ways no textbook could ever teach.

Great! Now that you added that last sentence to the intro, you can refer to it in the conclusion and the essay will be complete. Conclude with a sentence in which you reflect on how adversity has been like a teacher.

One last thing: school of my dreams

Essays / Need format help before writing Statement of Intent [4]

Hi Vipul, I think you can write it without saying you have NO educational background... focus on whatever education you do have. These questions do form the foundation and need to be answered, but you can do it in any way you like. In fact, you could almost answer all of these in a single sentence and then go on to make the essay just how you like it!