Grammar, Usage / How can I transform this sentence into active voice (from passive) [5]

No, no, this is the way to make it active:

Their insolence did not seem to bother my father as he taught, but I knew that, deep down, he was very morose.

You make it active by switching it around. Can you see how it feels more powerful this way? That is why the active voice is better. Good question!!

Undergraduate / USC SHORT ANSWER - "to initiate a movement" [6]

No comma is necessary in this last sentence:

I would hope to be a part of the USC Readers Plus program so that I can tutor children and help to build the community.

Hey, this is quite impressive! I'm sorry i didn't get to it in time! I think it will do well, though!!

Book Reports / Oedipus Rex & Antigone- essay *need help with thesis* [7]

Great advice here. Now do you understand what to say for your thesis? If you have read the plays, you can understand how much this applies to Oedipus and Creon. If you do not have an opinion, you can't really fake it, but if you think deeply about these words and quote them in your essay, you can use them to help you really understand Oedipus and Creon. When you actually have an opinion, the writing is easy. There is nothing that others can write that you can't write. Once you understand how to relate to literature and discuss themes, make arguments (thesis), etc, it becomes easy and enjoyable.

Undergraduate / A diverse school with great programs; U Maryland/Diversity [3]

At the University of Maryland, I plan to participate in diverse student organizations and activities because in the real world one must interact with people from different cultures every day . The best way to learn, is when you are young. Throughout my life live in a diverse community with types of cultures. On my behalf I'm pleased to have lived in those communities. I considered myself boon because I made a lot of great friends and was placed in a school system.

You need to make more specific points, and refer to specific resources offered by the school. What makes you want to go there instead of somewhere else? How do you know with absolute certainty that you will succeed at the U of M? Some things are too vague and general, like this:

A diverse school with great programs is what I'm looking for and where I want to be.

Writing Feedback / need help with fixing my essay, "LETTER FROM BIRMINGHAM JAIL" response [5]


Yes, the second sentence is a fragment. You should just change to:
Throughout "Letter from Birmingham Jail" Martin Luther King Jr. uses the logos rhetorical strategy to persuade his audience by using reason, facts, evidence and logic for the cause of support.

This is a good thesis. Now you can use the rest of the essay to give examples to prove this statement.

Do you have a clear understanding of what logos means? It is the logic, the strong argument made by the writer/rhetorician. Show examples of King's use of logos, and explain them as such. Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / USC essay - "my first camera" [7]

Ah, I really like it! I guess it would be cool if you pose an intriguing question for the reader at the beginning, and then you answer that question at the end. That is just an idea. The only room for improvement in this essay is that it does not necessarily draw the reader in... that is why I wonder if it would be good to add a rhetorical question to the first paragraph.

This sentence should not end the first paragraph... My collection of pens and pencils rivaled most, and I had a huge pile of half-filled notebooks filled with doodles, stories and diary entries. ... instead, add a sentence that will come after it... a powerful sentence that will show the direction of the essay, and, hopefully, intrigue the reader.

Undergraduate / GA Tech ESSAY; "I would like to make my existence a useful one" [12]

Take that whole first paragraph, and condense it into one sentence that you will put at the front of the second paragraph. Does that make sense? Much of it is unnecessary, so you can replace it with one powerful intro sentence that refers directly to the question about how you would spend the time.

You might consider using the last line as the first line. That would be a great sentence to start with!!

Undergraduate / As children, many of us have dreams of becoming famous or someone who everybody knows or aspire to [5]

I agree, good advice here!

My parents were not hippies and I their love child but both consider themselves public servants.

Add one more sentence to the first paragraph... a sentence that refers to the prompt question directly: My great passion is the art of architecture...

Writing Feedback / need help with this essay - "the subjects with which you had difficulty" [5]

Well, there are 5 parts to this prompt, so it is tough! They ask about: "difficulty," "factors," "dealt with them," "greatest improvement," problems areas that remain," Can you use these actual words in the essay? That will help, because some admissions people judge you based on how well you cover the prompt. You do pretty well, but try to be even more obvious about your attendance to the prompt.

Undergraduate / My first track meet - writing about an experience. Commonapp/Stevenstech essay [7]

Wow, this whole essay is very interesting. I like the way that you use long, continuous phrases and sentences. it's almost as if you write the way you run! I don't like the word "snatch" in this essay, and maybe you should change it. Also, how about:

This feeling -- knowing I can feel two contradicting emotions at the same time, enjoying life in multiple ways -- is what makes life interesting for me.

Undergraduate / Babson Supp, "Dear roommate," really need some help [2]

I am happy to say I have good advice for you! In this case, get rid of almost the whole first paragraph:

Congratulations! Now, we are both part of the Babson community. Aren't you excited? I am Solomon Sun from Hong Kong. Our high-school journey has just ended, but a better voyage is waiting for us at this moment. We should think of a secret hand shake, so hopefully we will reduce the awkwardness when we meet face to face in our dorm room on the first day of school.

Next, take the last paragraph at put it at the beginning:

Congratulations! Now, we are both part of the Babson community. You are probably wondering what kind of person I might be. Well first of all...

After that, make sure you ask the roommate what he thinks of entrepreneurship and the other programs; instead of just talking about the programs you are interested, talk about them as if you are talking to the roommate... maybe he will have the same intended major!

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / USC Short Answer! ("to incorporate Hollywood into my studies") [7]

This is great!!!

English has always been my favorite class; teachers have acknowledged my ability to effectively convey ideas and emotion through writing, as well as speaking. ...

At the Annenberg School for Communication, located in the media capital of the world, it's only fitting for me to combine my own communication skills with my love for entertainment in a curriculum that I will genuinely enjoy learning.

I think this essay is full of energy. Try to say something specific about the curriculum or resources offered there...

Undergraduate / umich essays - "a challenging book you have read" [3]

You just need to add a sentence or two to explain the book a little better. Your writing and gramar are great... the first sentence, though... change "everyone.. share." to "all people...share." This wil make the numbers agree better.

As for clarity... give a sentence to explain the book to the reader.

Undergraduate / Third-world country, first-world classroom - Texas Freshman application essay. [5]

Wow, talk about a birds eye view of the situation! Do you mean you cross a bridge to the U.S. every day for school?

This essay is great, well thought out and set up.

Good luck in school.

:)

Undergraduate / Georgetown "Describe Yourself" Essay [10]

yeah, kind of a gray area there :)

Undergraduate / Why the exceptional GWU? Grammar fix, Suggestions happily welcome! [3]

Forget receiving a first hand taste of politics and business cohabiting .

As I began to form a list of suitable schools, I further researched GWU only to discover that it provided not only what I needed for the next four years of my life, but also what I absolutely want in an outstanding university.

Unlike most other universities, GWU caters to many business interests so that one may explore his or her specific career path. Because modern society is sculpted, in part, by business decisions, I feel compelled to explore its value in my life.

Because I enjoy the various aspects of the business world, GWU would allow me to explore various possibilities in finding my professional niche.

Just as studying is part of college life, so is the development of interpersonal skills.

Good essay, and this is great;
As the cultural center of United States, Washington and GWU provide a frame of reference for understanding how American values have evolved and continue to change today.

Good luck
:)

Writing Feedback / About edgar allen poe essay [11]


I think you are right to have reservations about criticizing Poe.

To what could a reader take more offense
Than an essay whose writer bashes Poe, and thence,
Proceeds to belittle his art,
He can shock and scare, with sing-song rhythm,
And grope around the reader's heart
But you, with your allegation,
You thesis-insult-perturbation,
Your essay shows a lack of appreciation,
For the ability to tap into the craziness that we all share and write something that is crazy enough to be worthy of this nightmarish experience we are having as humans born into a body and seeing other bodies dying, it is a crazy place, and shocking, vulgar poetry is important and meaningful.

You can make a powerful argument if you make it a bit more complicated: Figure out a way to celebrate the SACREDNESS of the artful adolescent.

:)

Also, how does this make sense: This idea of himself as unique in his sufferings as he exemplified in "Alone," prevented Edgar from writing anything of any true substance, reserving him to the lowly art of shock writing.

Whoever said shock writing was a lowly art? What is the connection between him feeling like his suffering was unique and the alleged inability to write anything of substance?

Undergraduate / common app short answer help ("bare room lined with mirrors") [19]

Yes, this is great and unique. I wonder if you could add a sentence that conveys the style or spirit of that kind of dancing. Also, I think you should use a colon:

working to achieve my dream : to be a world champion in Irish dance.

Undergraduate / 'open mind' - Diversity essay - How I can contribute? [6]


Instead of saying "even though," I think it would be great if you talk about this traveling back and forth, and the way you grew up into both cultures. You have a special background! Just by being there you contribute to diversity.

How do you contribute to diversity? It is a matter of bringing people together, mustering up communication. Can you talk about how you will spend your time on the campus, and perhaps get involved in more than one organization so that you will bridge the divide between cultures... um, somehow? I think you are very well-suited to contribute to diversity because of your background!

Essays / Grad School Personal statem. in Childhood Education Major; from art to education [9]

Wow, I think it would be interesting for you to explain how you can express yourself artistically as an educator. To celebrate the "art" of education in this essay would make it memorable.

Undergraduate / What have you gained from the activities and experiences listed in Part VI, you'll use in McIntire? [8]

I learned that so much more work gets done underwith the spirit of cooperation rather that of competition. Cooperative effort relieves stress and ultimately improves any outcomes in any kind of situation, in the workplace or in class. The commerce school is no exception and I look forward to working together with other aspiring leaders.

Yes, I think the tone is appropriate, and you seem very genuine. This answers the question very well!

Undergraduate / basketball court / crunching numbers to advising [6]

Nope I don't see it either! I wouldn't change a thing! For the second one, give a few examples of how you plan to pursue your interests there. Any favorite professors? Any cool resources or clubs?

Undergraduate / commonapp essay- cliches (and topic ideas) [12]


This part is great! (above)

You know, that list of cliche's exposes some errors of understanding. Did your judgmental teacher make that list? "Shouldn't of" is not a cliche; it is an error. It should be "shouldn't have," but people often use "of" instead. It is a common mistake, not a cliche!

Also, write out twenty-four seven instead of 24/7. That will make it even funnier at the end, when you break the rules and use those words.

This essay is brilliant, and it does something that is rare for an admissions essay: it really challenges people's ideas. What is the difference between a cliche and an old favorite? A matter of opinion, really. Some of my favorites are "as it were" and "so to speak." Some cliches got accepted and congealed, like "inasmuch." What a weird word...

Writing Feedback / an experiment essay - A memorable evening [9]

I suggest a bit more explanation at the end for the people who can't figure it all out. It is absolutely great to do something inspired instead of the same old admissions essay. What prompt did they give you? A "memorable evening?" I wonder if it would be good to add a reflection paragraph at the end... so you can talk plainly about your meaning. That way, the cool approach will have had its cool effect, but then you can explain yourself...

Undergraduate / Why GWU? This new beginning. [6]

The ending does not seem choppy. The whole essay is very impressive, for sure. It can be better if you mention some more specific examples of GWU resources you intend to use, certain instructors whose lectures you look forward to... the SPECIFICS. It's like when you are trying to figure out if someone is serious when they threaten to commit suicide: if they have a specific plan about how they are going to do it, watch out!! They're serious!! It's the same with a student who has extraordinary drive to succeed at a particular school. Maybe it is, or maybe that is a bad example...

Letters / Seeking Internship; COVER LETTER - Computer Networking [3]

My first idea is that you should start with a sentence that will INTRIGUE the reader. Can you start with a sentence that will cause me to wonder about you? What is your greatest, deepest insight into networking (and communication in general)? Can you open with a sentence that will surprise the reader... something unexpected or very original?

The way it is, it shows you to be very serious as a student!

These are the corrections that came to mind for me:

I am seeking for an internship in February - March 2009, while waiting for my final project presentation.

I have a strong interest in networking and am eager to have a deeper knowledge in networking, so I decided to apply an internship program in B company, Indonesia. I also have practical skills in computer networks, being a laboratory assistant in...

Research Papers / analysis of wendy cope's poetry, THIS IS A MESS! [3]

I agree with Sean that you should definitely let go of most of the biological information, as it detracts from this great analysis of a very interesting poet. You could sum up a few of the parts of her life that are reflected in the work she analyzed, her father dying, psychoanalysis, etc. in just a couple sentences.

Copes parents were poor as they grew up which prompted them to raise their children to be intelligent and wealthy.

She is usually sending a message to someone that she does not particularly like. It is not hard for the reader to comprehend what is going on in her poems.

:)

Essays / uni film essay, how all films are carriers of cultural identity & ideology [8]


Actually, it is important to note that the content WILL come up in search results, but that it is this page that people would find, so anyone checking into it will see your name associated with the essay. That is why we ask people to use their full names when they get memberships. About plagiarism checkers, I have never heard of anyone getting accused of plagiarism because of having their work posted here. If an issue arises, you can refer the accuser to this site where your essay is shown right next to your name.

About cultural identities expressed through film, I think it is going to be very useful for you if you come up with a LIST of good cultural films. From this list, you can set about writing various sections of your long essay.

When you get a list of examples of cultures being expressed through film, you can divide it into a few categories. Think of this as 4 papers instead of 1.

Many interesting themes emerge. For example, in old American Westerns, Native Americans are made to look like savages, but now films like Powwow Highway are portraying Native Americans in a more positive light. I know that a book by D. Champagne called Contemporary Native American Cultural Issues has a section on film. You can read that book online as a google document.

Other cultures shown through interesting films, too. It is a great excuse to watch some movies.

Good luck with this long paper!!

Undergraduate / Georgetown "Describe Yourself" Essay [10]

Through the mist the world was gray , blackened by the absence of the Moon and barely lit by the street lamps below. Pretty soon the Sun would rise from its fiery sleep and waken the city.nice sentence!

I stared at an apartment building a few blocks down.

My mind drifted back to the time when my family visited my maternal relatives in the Philippines. I remembered how disgusted I felt having to wash myself with river water from a silver bucket. Those eight years ago, I was disgusted with the dirty surroundings, and now, recalling that memory from eight years ago , I'm instead disgusted with myself.

Just a few tweaks here and there, but WOW! Great essay, very well thought out. Good luck in school.

:)

Writing Feedback / an experiment essay - A memorable evening [9]

Wow, I always thought Jimi Hendrix wrote that!

Undergraduate / Bring on the Criticism- Common Application Essay [6]

This is a great essay, and you answered the question nicely. wongxy covered everything nicely, the only suggestion I can think of, is in the opening sentence you wrote, "there is a point in every...". How about, "There comes a time in every.." (or is that too cliche"?)

Good luck in school!

:)

Graduate / 'Research group for a competitive country' - SoP for PhD in Mechanical Engineering [3]

I think your decision can be "supported" by your loved ones, but it is "motivated" by your wish to be part of an excellent institution..

My decision to pursue graduate studies at Wichita State University is motivated by my wish to be part of an excellent academic institution can you be more specific ? WSU offers me research groups in Materials Science and Engineering with good reputation, and I offer my knowledge, creativity, enthusiasm and all my talents for research in science topics. Can you say something meaningful about how the college is perfect for your SPECIFIC aspirations? Then, for the rest of the essay, support that idea with examples.

:)

for example:

After those studies, now I can say that I am very fond of polymeric composite structures. Good, so make a connection to special resources that are offered by this school to which you are applying..

Undergraduate / Democracy itself guarantees the right to express; ISSUE OF IMPORTANCE [4]

Maybe like this:

Democracy is based on the right to express various ideas, and democracy is supposed to guarantees this right.

Essays / 'The emphasis on "practical benefit" in Williams v Roffey Bros Nicholls [6]

It is best if you take a shot at it and we will see if we can help improve it. We need something to work with; however, this seems like a question that is specific to your class...

Undergraduate / summer courses through LPS - university of pennsylvania essay (courses that interest you) [3]

I know that I will be able to take full advantage of the incredible amount of resources and research opportunities that only Penn can provide to further my scholastic ambitions and aspirations.

I made a small change to this sentence above.. also, it is a good example of the wordiness that Sean mentioned.

However, I am so impressed by how well you stick to the prompt and address every aspect of it!

Improve tis essay by eliminating all that is unnecessary. Also, it will be great if you can establish one theme that is expressed throughout the essay.. something from the beginning that you can mention again at the end. I tried to pinpoint a main idea, but it is hard, because you had to answer a complicated prompt.

This is very good! Just simplify it and condense it.

Undergraduate / UGA short essays on application.. [6]

You can have a lot of fun with this, as it should be fairly easy to think of some cute thing you did as a kid, some little tidbits thrown in to show who you are, for example, life on the farm...fishin' with pa...first crush, job, pet.

In the second one, was there some lesson you learned in H.S. or some problem eventually resolved concerning one of these?
intellectual, social, or cultural differences.

Good luck with it!

:)

Undergraduate / Major decision to choose a university - why swarthmore essay [5]

My rationale for applying to Swarthmore includes features that in Swarthmore that easily makes make it stand out from any other college that I have seen.

I immediately started imagining the various ways in which I could take advantage of such a large campus that was situated, quite literally, in the middle of Mother Nature.

Swarthmore has the most flexible system of education out of any other colleges that I have seen.

I can also appreciate the fact that the administration at Swarthmore truly values the input of their students, even to the point where there is a student representative who is responsible for providing a student perspective before the university makes any major decisions.

As I establish a strong foundation for my future career, Swarthmore will prepare me for the real world academically, socially and financially.
nice last sentence!

Improve this by looking at each paragraph and jotting down the main idea, and then giving a sentence in the intro paragraph that conveys the main ideas expressed in the essay. This will wrap it up and keep it all... threaded together.

Great essay. Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Why GWU? This new beginning. [6]

As an international student who one day, innocently decided to attend university in a country he has never been to before, I had big dreams.

I dreamed of a place where I could receive a concrete education.

However, my attitude changed quickly. As I began my search on the Internet, I found a certain university. At first, its interesting name grabbed my attention and as I initiated a research about this university, I began to feel that this was the place. GWU not only satisfied the objective of my search but I believe that at GWU, my dreams and imaginings could come true.

While Its immediate location of Washington DC will provide unique internship opportunities, enabling a network that will further enhance my knowledge.

I believe that GWU will prepare me to face the challenges and to lead this new beginning of our world.

Great essay, but I think you should look over the last sentence. Maybe if you say "any" challenges. I don't know, it just seems a little unclear.

:)

Undergraduate / "Leaders in the Making" - CMC Leadership - admission essay [13]

We, as responsible citizens, swiftly reach across the sofa and cover the eyes of our innocent children; so, if sex is a messy topic disallowed in the private confines of one's home, where could we discuss or even mention sex without having our faces torn apart? Not in underground cult meetings, but in high school psychology classes nationwide; all thanks to a little known man named Sigmund Freud.

You have a clear thesis about the contributions made by Freud. "Little known," does not work, though! :)

Undergraduate / how important the thesis is? [3]

It's good that at the end of your thesis you reflect on your main topic, that's what you're supposed to do. The thesis statement is the soul of the essay! You should always be able to tell what the main idea of an essay is. In your case, it is the experience of listening to others. You can still write about your move to America, but write about it in terms of the thesis idea, which is that you have crossed cultural and interpersonal barriers by being a good listener.