Student Talk / Application Question January [127]


If they nitpick that badly, you don't want to go to their stupid school anyway! That is not god advice, but still... college is a business and education is an industry. Don't worry, you will be okay!!

:)

Undergraduate / Common App supplement (Sentence structure and grammar problems) [4]

"As Santana strums his guitar to the hip-hop beat, infusing it with Spanish sounds, I step up to the microphone and start to sing "Maria Maria" by The Product G&B. The poetic drama tells a tale of a woman named Maria who grew up in Harlem, but falls in love with a man in East L.A. I choose this song because it discusses the current east and west coast rivalry conflict while also telling a romantic version of West Side Story. This lyrical masterpiece has passion, meaning, and story."

Why did you put the whole thing in " " marks? I don't think that is necessary. Good luck!!!!!!! :)

Undergraduate / Emory Supplement - ("I first heard of Emory through a friend") [4]

Imagine Emory University as a great rock band. There I am in the crowd; just one of the thousands of hardcore fans, wishing to one day meet with and get to know Emory personally and form an inseparable connection. As in the case of many artists I listen to today, I first heard of Emory through a friend. She had just been accepted into the university and seemed like the happiest person alive. This excitement from a particularly timid girl stimulated my interest and I began researching in order to find out as much as I could ofcould have, in her terms, "the best university out there". I scanned through websites, searched up information in college-informational books, and gathered the opinions of my friends, but I still wanted to discover more.

This is a great approach!!!
"Fanatic" is not quite right here:

This summer, my fantastic dreams came true as I stepped onto the Emory campus and was optically mesmerized by the vivid red rooftops and vast diversity of students.

Undergraduate / Common App and Artist's Statement. [4]

In August 2008 I found myself venturing onto an old, near-decrepit ship docked in a harbor on the Hudson River. I had come to this particular docking area with a group of fellow art enthusiasts with whom I was taking a course with at the time.

...

Get rid of the extra stuff, because it detracts from your power!

The inspiration hit me like wildfire. It truly was a glorious sight to behold. The mechanics of this brilliant piece of equipment were immense. At least 30 feet in diameter, I have no doubt. It was beautiful. The rust, although some may see as grimy and maltreated, was glorious and rich. Each grain of red, brown, gold, and yellow further drew me in to the beauty that I was beholding. I was pleasantly reminded of the vibrant coloring of the trees in Autumn. It was breath-taking. So, ignoring the questioning glances of my fellow explorers, I sat myself down on a somewhat clean wooden crate and began to draw.

Ah, it is good that you sat down and used inspiration when it hit you. Excellent, that is good to include in this essay.

Find a good transition sentence to segue into this next part. Tack the trans sentence onto the beginning of this paragraph:
I was always a child who took my toys apart. I remember going through at least ten TV remotes when I was young because I did not understand how clicking changed the channel on the television.

I often wonder why I had been born into this particular place and time in history; I have long desired to be a part of the mechanical age of humankind. The times when invention of ...

Nice ending!!!!

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement Essay Siddhartha [4]

Use italics for titles.

Sidhartha is a great book!!!!

However, when you refer to the person, do not italicize it, obviously.

Ahhh, can you connect this passion for Buddhist philosophy with your intended major at the school??

icedbananas (has a great user name) made some good corrections, too!

Also, YOU SHOULD find a book by shunryu suzuki to increase your knowledge of buddhism. Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind is a good one!!!

Undergraduate / "First Impressions are Everything"; NYU Short Answers- grammar errors? [5]

It's not a title, just a sentence, so don't capitalize every word:

"First impressions are everything."

Ooops, I see that reflections91 already caught that!!

Now into late adolescence, I have remained perpetually inclined to create a false image of myself to gain societal approval. Wow, brilliant sentence!!

However, this next part is no good: I truly despise what my mom has forced me to become, That is not making a good first impression. Remember, because you are young, the admissions person will assume that you are wrong and your mom is right!!

How about saying that you despise the fals image that you have been compelled to project?

I have never been a good singer, but after being chosen for a talent show, I realized that I'm not so bad after all! Likewise , I have always been reluctant to be outgoing when it comes to those of the opposite sex. Whenever it comes to talking to girls, and trying to start a conversation, it's not only nerve-wracking but also physically impossible! for me to do. I will sing "Whatever you Like" by TI because it will tell the girls that I am interested in more than just books, clubs, and sports!

:) Cool, you are funny and smart...

Undergraduate / I was born to sell; Influential Person - Dad [9]

Just like in sales, do not waste any words:

I was born to sell. More importantly, I am fated to become a successful entrepreneur. I can say this confidently, thanks to my father. My father strongly influences me due to his teachings on important life values: family, integrity, ambition, and generosity. He's also given me a strong mentality and will, partly because he's my own personal motivator. He inspires me to achieve greatness on a daily basis . He's always tells me, "El mundo es tuyo pero tienes que ganártelo". (The world is yours but you have to earn it). ...

...

My father Jose grew up in the little "barrio" of Tahuantinsuyo (Lima), Perú.

Yes, I hope you will show your dad this great essay. He will feel so proud of you and himself. I am excited for him, because there is so much joy and fulfillment available for him in this essay you wrote.

Undergraduate / Last Minute Common App Essay - "my band" [2]

USe a comma:

To say the least, I used to be very shy and lacked the self-confidence required to express myself in front of my peers.

It felt as if I were a whole new person, because I had successfully overcome my shyness in front of a live audience.

Angela made all the other corrections.

Good luck with your music! It might just be the most important thing!! For your writing, use commas like a rest note.

:)

Undergraduate / NYU Short Answer supplements - "a shopping trip with my father" [5]

Usually when you shorten essays they become better. It is a matter of filtering out the weak parts. On the contrary, when they want only 500 characters, they want every word to count!

When I was a young, childon a shopping trip with my father, I had the startling experience of having a beggar snatching a 10 dollar bill out of my hand. As I went to take it back, my father grabbed me by the arm and scolded me. He told me how that, even after we returned home from shopping, that man would be out on the curb, without a home, in the blistering cold. Initially I had been angry; however, I grew ...

Wow, really, though, that is unreasonable for them to limit you to 500 characters!!! What is their problem, anyway?!

How about:

If admitted into NYU, I hope to either join an established charity, or create one of my own. It is unacceptable for there to be over 15,000 homeless people in one of the most prestigious cities in the world, and I hope to reduce this number at all costs.

After succeeding at NYU, I hope to either join an established charity, or create an organization to help the 15,000 homeless people in this wealthy city.

Undergraduate / "room house in Chang Chun, China" my Virginia supplement answer. [5]

I grew up in a simple, pale blue, one-room house in Chang Chun, China. The bedroom , living room, dining room, and kitchen were all in that one room.

I lived with my aunt and her family, because both my parents immigrated to America when I was still very young.

When the time came for me to live with my parents in the United States, had already been five years since I had seen them in person.

Wow, your experiences are sooo interesting!! I love the essay. Flower is right: it deserves a better last sentence. You are cool!!!

Undergraduate / UPenn essay - The aspiration of attending the University of Pennsylvania [2]

I have told lots of people that I liked their user names, but I think you get the award for the best user name ever. Pessimism seems fashionable lately, and that is no good. You are a hero!

The University of Pennsylvania is a celebrated institution in which the most elite students pursue their educations.

Aside from my commitment to the sciences, I hold another fascination: to the languages taught at Penn. Being that it is a requirement to take a language; The university is able to provide a wealth of verbal communication to explore beyond a language but an exploration of a new culture as well. Languages such as Arabic, Chinese, and Japanese, not usually explored, are provided modes of access to fascinating cultures and history. The variety of languages offered at your school promotes the kind of effective communication that is so important in our globalizing world.

I am confident that I can succeed at the University of Pennsylvania, is an aspiration that I believe I can pursue. and that I can make a meaningful contribution. I am eager to be inspired, challenged, and prepared for future endeavors as a student in the University of Pennsylvania. Now add one more great sentence to conclude this paragraph! :)

Undergraduate / Rice Supplement Why this school ("Bill Nye the Science Guy show") [4]

Yes, and take out all unnecessary words:

In order to betterexplain why I am applying to the Wiess School of Natural Sciences, I feel it is important to tell a little about how I came to be interested in science.

Actually, nevermind that whole first sentence. It is unnecessary...

As far back as I can seem to recall I have been interested in science. When I was little I absolutely adored the show, "Bill Nye the Science Guy." The show sparked my interest in science, and looking back I can remember that it is most likely the starting point of my career in science. As I grew older, my interest in science (especially biology) increased. When faced with choosing which high school to go to, I was introduced to my current high school. This is where my interest in biology has been nurtured for the past four years. Currently, I am taking a biotechnology course that allows me to use plasmids to transform genes and to use gel electrophoresis to analyze DNA samples.

I have chosen the Wiess School of Natural Sciences at Rice because I feel that it will offer me a world class education as well as the opportunities that will help me with my future as a biochemist. ...oh, good, and I see that you give specific examples at the end here... Nice job! Now, use all the space that I left you (by crossing things out) to tell about even more specific aspirations that make this school perfect for you.

Undergraduate / NYU Short answers ("a politically incorrect statement" and other answers) [3]

I agree, this is great stuff. However, for this first part (above) you give a mixed message. Is it a virtue, or something you want to revamp? I say it is a virtue!

"Impatience is a virtue" - a politically incorrect statement and my perpetual belief. I am extremely impatient; a dire quality that I've possessed from a young age - thanks to my parents. In many instances, it has led me to make foolish and naïve mistakes -- a car accident worth three thousand dollars and my mom's eternal angst could have been avoided had I spent the extra minute -- but it is also true that my impatience has caused my to achieve my goals. It is not an eminent personality trait but it is one that shapes my character and one I strive to revamp. I needed my impatience when I was [example....]. After all, I am human.

Undergraduate / Bowdoin Short Essay [3]

We can improve this first sentence, too:

For all students, college will be an unfamiliar environment that involves new settings, people, and experiences.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - "'God's peak'" [4]

What is the name of the mountain? Put it at the beginning, and THEN translate it.

The Chinese name of the mountain translates into 'God's peak'...

Honestly, the trek did not start off too well for me. In fact, my two roommates and Iand my two roommates missed breakfast as we had foolishly forgotten to set the alarm.

For a start, the taps didn't work, nor did the flushing in the toilets, so there was no way for us to wash our hands after a full day of hiking.

Hahahahh!! Great!!!----> Secondly, there was a rat the size of a small dog living in the kitchen.

YOU ARE BRILLIANT!!! I love the ending. Total honesty, modesty, humor... they will love this...
I did not climb to the top that day. But I was told that the view from the top sure was beautiful.

Please check out the EF Contributor page (link at the bottom of the screen)

Undergraduate / CMC essay ("the world's economic theory and philosophy") [3]

Excellent, Chelsea! Your ending sentence, especially! Please check out the EF Contributor page (link at the bottom of the screen. Brilliant!!

Graduate / Essay on Interpersonal Skils and experience - Law school [4]

Separate two or more adjectives with commas:

Apart from studying law during my graduation years, I have had a few opportunities to teach young, little minds.

Initially as I was not accustomed to dealing with children of a very delicate age; it had proved to be a challenge for me to work in the elementary section.

This job brought out capabilities in me for dealing with unique child psychologies.

During my experiences in a middle school as a History and English teacher I had the chances to present certain topics which initiated interest and explain it to the children in their individual capacities.

This, I believe, requires the ability to judge situations and people and respond accordingly, which I think I possess.

As a high school studen t, in my high school, I was an active member of the social service club and was involved in major fund-raising and social-awareness projects and seminars.

Good luck in school!! You have built a great foundation with these experiences in education.

Undergraduate / NYU short answers - Patience, perseverance / Drama, Theater clubs / "Breakaway" / Management [4]

arghuman82, your username is cool!! But your feedback is lacking. Part of your job as a member is to help people overcome language barriers by trying to interpret the meaning with them!!! :)

For example:

Perseverance is a quality that keeps me and helps me all the time.

The advantage was that my dad runs manufacturing businesses in Korea; I have had a great opportunity to learn how a company runs, and this made me to choose a career in management. Also, when I was in Korea this summer, I got an audition and the director said that you have a positive potential for acting . This gave me great encouragement to supplement my business aspirations with a trial at being an actor.

Undergraduate / Being counselor for friends - CMU App Essay Why you chose CMU/Major [5]

Oh, I see what you mean by "in!" I think maybe the admissions person will understand, too.

Undergraduate / 'With great power comes...' - Common App- Spiderman [4]

Keep it all in the present tense, if you can:

After witnessing the death of his Uncle Ben, Peter Parker develops a mantra: "With great power comes great responsibility." He becomes so burdened with doing the right thing that he sacrifices his physical and emotional well being for the ones he loves. Peter, despite all his powers, is not invincible.

At the start of this paragraph use a transition sentence to carry the reader to the new set of ideas:

While I am mostly accustomed to the incessant bickering of my parents

As for your question, I guess i think that spiderman is not the best choice of topic. I feel you, but the admissions person may not. Does that make sense? It really is a profound essay, and if you do not use it I hope you will se it for some other purpose.

Undergraduate / Brown essay - "The Pickup" [4]

Hellomoto, you impress me again!!!

Have you ever wondered if you are walking on the right path of your life -- if the path you set your foot on is really "it"? Frankly, I have not thought about my identity until I was confronted with The Pickup in my junior year at high school.

By putting down my avarice and facing the world as my vulnerable self, I picked up my identity.-----> Excellent sentence!!

Have you ever picked up? Have you ever picked up a novel that ever questioned your identity -- a novel that you fell in love with, had a quarrel with, and made up with?

I did. I picked up The Pickup that gave me a sense of satisfaction, no, a sense of achievement, in assuring me that I am indeed walking on the right path of my life.

Great job!!!

Undergraduate / Cornell ILR Supplement (San Fernando's Annual March for Justice) [4]

Flower, you have a cool user name!!!

Yes, the first part is great...

And The place for that voyage and growth is in Cornell University School of Industrial and Labor Relations.

Ooops, you can't conquer a battle: My past has provided me with unforgettable experiences that have shaped who I am and what I will fight for in life, but it is only my future that can give me the weapons to win each battle. The ILR School will provide me with the needed education to phase the world defending the rights of the labor force. With its six departments in one major program I will be able to study a broad of subjects that truly fascinate me, ranging from sociology, government, law, history, business, psychology and economics.

At that particular moment, I was lost but simultaneously I was amazed beyond my understanding. As soon as I arrived home I questioned my sisters, because I wanted to know more about the legacy of such a remarkable man.

Yes, excellent, and your chosen work is meaningful! For the conclusion, sum up the central truth of the essay -- especially what specific qualities make this school exactly right for you.

Undergraduate / BROWN ESSAY "PARKOUR" (the edge of the precipice) [4]

I'm SOOO sorry I did not comment on this in time for the deadline!! It has been busy here at the forum. Luckily, you are a brilliant writer. I see no errors. Please consider checking out the EF Contributors Page (link at the bottom of the screen).

Undergraduate / Common App Essay; 'And there was the sergeant, organizing and motivating' [3]


What is this part in the beginning? Is it an excerpt from something? If o, you should cite the source and put it in " " marks...

THANK YOU HAHEIU123 for the excellent help!!!!

In addition:

Nowadays, the closest that a young man likes me could get to this level of action is on a video game console.

It was a totally new experience for me; I was still a teenager fresh out of high school, but even when it looked like too much for me, my soul craved a challenge like that ; that confidence that the company has to call me was enough courage doze to accept it.

If I had never taken those precautions of calling the people as a reminder, or preparing the equipment the night before and before the arrival of the team, or receiving it in order at the end of the day, I'm sure that this job would have become a huge challenge. He would have had lots of troubles to fix, and with a total lack of commitment because the leader did not take it seriously, and later the whole project would have become a mess. As the sergeant, all that caution , organization, and confidence on his troop and commitment with the project, gave him enough courage to enter the battlefield and give his best effort.

Undergraduate / UPenn, Brown, - short answer Thank you [7]

"I think that some people thought it was cheap for society to ignore poor people and, if they had to le t them starve on the street... But it turns out that having people live on the street isn't cheap after all." Reading an article of Dr.Dennis Culhane, I realized how true his statement is. Seeing firsthand the severity of homelessness in my city, Vancouver, I want to bring my experience of having worked with numerous homeless to Philadelphia, where the situation is just as serious. As I have seen a dramatic change in working with Project Share, a club devoted to alleviating the homeless conditions, and conducting a research on homeless youth, I now wish to study more extensively on this issue. By conducting research with renowned Dr.Culhane on his innovative, integrated administrative databases, I wish to discuss further on the critical social issue and take a peak at the professor's the profound prospect.

Yes, right on!! Empower the poor people and they become tax payers, and the economy improves, so everybody wins!!

How did you become interested in Brown, e.g., college counselor, undergraduate, relative, web site? (900 characters with space)

Like a stranger meeting an important future friend, I first learned about Brown four years ago, when my sister was in the process of applying.

This second one is eloquent, but can you give some specific reasons? Some specific resources, programs, faculty, etc, that draw you to Brown?

:)

Undergraduate / Common App essay ("my parents jumping up and down") [3]

No, not rude! We appreciate your participation!!

Though my parents were ecstatic at my acceptance, I would soon experience the "catch" of placement into such a selective school.
Attending HCES entailed a membership to a mammoth (no quotes necessary here; the joke is easy to understand) community of forty-seven students. From the ages of five to twelve, those forty-seven children were the only people whom I knew apart from my family.

Looking at who I am today, I realize that I can never return to my role as that bungling, mismatched seventh grader.

This essay really got to my heart, because I too was a bumbling, mismatched smart-geek. I bet the admissions person who reads this will similarly appreciate it. You write beautifully, so I would only advise you to try connecting this story and its truth to the school to which you are applying. If you can segue into a mention of something that makes this school uniquely right for you, given this background, it will be perfect!!!

Undergraduate / Why Penn (the creative approach) - give me some last minute support [3]

The general approach is great! Just eliminate all that is unnecessary and make every sentence count. That is how to improve this one.

Undergraduate / Common Application ("Growing up as an atheist") [7]

What a weird coincidence. I am correcting essays here at the library, and just as I got to yours, a super-religious person came up and tried to save my soul for almost a half hour!

I listened for as long as he wanted to talk, because although I am not particularly Christian, I do have a spiritual practice that is rooted in that experience of transcendence that we all have from tie to time. Religious people who try to save everybody must have had that spiritual experience...and that experience is what is most important. Words are a difficult means of communication, though, and I think that atheists might be so busy asserting that there is no god that they might miss the real spiritual experience if they are not careful.

I would rather be a super-religious person than an atheist, but the most important thing is to practice meditation! That is just what I think...

My father was once a Mormon, but had since grown a grudge against anyone who even mentioned religion; my mother had abandoned her faith after a childhood spent in Catholic schools.

Oh, I can't find any errors! You are a good writer!!

Undergraduate / Illinois essay - "I have never 'discovered' nature" [8]

Yes, I think you are right that we should make it so that you can paste essays in here in a way that shows the paragraphs!! For now, though, just keep separating the individually...

Ultimately, I found that the Environmental Sciences represent a culmination of all of my interests.

Nature is the common factor among all the people on this planet, but we need to find ways to become native to the Earth again.

Through the program, I learned about visual psychology, composition, and among other things, how to communicate both visually and physically.

Through Gallery, I learned that anything is possible if you look hard enough and become decisive enough to travel out of our comfort zone. I learned then that I wanted to create: not just art for the sake of art, but to show to others that there are people in every bit of society that create the community in which they live.

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay- a bit shaky? [5]

Sometimes when my mind automatically scoffs at these somewhat grandiose aspirations, I have to forcibly remind myself that if I go to the College of Engineering at Cornell that I can make my dreams a reality. OR Although the specific means by which I accomplish these goals are often shrouded in a cloak of uncertainty -- and my knowledge of specific engineering processes is still very limited -- I know that at Cornell I can make my dreams a reality.

I have complete faith in this assertion because I know that Cornell is not only one of the top-ranked institutions in the country, but ...

Undergraduate / 'Korean engineer' - University of Washington essay [6]

This is looking good. As you continue, focus on OPPORTUNITIES and CHALLENGES -- two different things. If you give some examples of each, you will be sticking to the prompt very well. In the intro paragraph, state some meaningful truth, and in the next paragraph explain it well. In the last paragraph, say it again in different words. :)

Writing Feedback / An essay about privacy and communication [4]

Another example is that when people use Internet cafés to check their email, some may forget to sign out which leads to the possibility of using the information that they have in their email by the next user. As a result, this person, in the worst cases, could change the password of the previous user and "steal" their identity.

In conclusion, telephones are a good way to communicate, but in terms of sharing personal things or secrets, they can be risky -- not riskier than emails, though. Emails could be riskier because hackers may invade anyone's email any time and have a look at the valuable information people may have.

WELL, if it is supposed to be about privacy in communication, I think you did a good job of answering the question. This essay is very simple, and it does not tell the reader anything new, but it does fulfill the requirement to write about privacy in communication... So, it is pretty good! Really, though, it is not very MEANINGFUL, because nobody would disagree; nobody thinks that information sent over the Internet is entirely secure... so you are demonstrating good English writing -- just not writing anything with much significance.

:) Grammar and spelling are good, though!!

Undergraduate / 'A motorbike flew past us' - U Richmond - Leaving the comfort zone [5]

Sorry I didn't get here in time, before you sent it! I would leave out the word "but" in that second sentence, and possibly separate the first two sentences with a semi-colon.

I also would separate the last 2 with a semi-colon:

Everyone says that college life can be extremely demanding; well, I am looking forward to this new challenge.

But those things are no big deal!!!

Undergraduate / Stanford--why a good place for you? ("stereotypical Asian parents") [9]

That book by Pirsig is important, BTW!! Check out books by Eckhart Tolle and Shunryu Suzuki!!!

Undergraduate / Stanford--why a good place for you? ("stereotypical Asian parents") [9]

My first observations of Stanford were the beauty of the campus itself, the small city location, and its relative proximity to my home. These are the characteristics my perfect college.

However More important than Stanford's outer appearances, is its strong academic program.

(...) In a college, I hope to find this same kind of rigorous yet rewarding education.

Now start a concluding paragraph with a meaningful sentence about the central meaning of the essay... and continue : With Stanford's top professors, research labs, and diverse and inspiring students, I know that Stanford can offer exactly this along with strong programs in my current interests in biological sciences and foreign languages, two interests which I hope to one day combine into studying comparative medicine.

Undergraduate / Brown Short Essay "The Brown Phenomenon" [7]

Unlike my friends, I did not have a driver's license during my junior year on account of my age, and in retrospect I am glad; my lack of a license led to my attraction to Brown. I remember that night ...

This is great! you are destined for it...

:)

"You could go somewhere great, like...Brown!" And so This was when I first became aware of the school I would come to regard as my first choice.

Undergraduate / I was interested in the complexities ; Carnegie Mellon U- Why CMU & major? [2]

I have decided to apply to both the Tepper School of Business and the Department of Information Systems at Carnegie Mellon University. I thought it would be a great idea to do this, because if, for some reason, I don't get admitted into the Tepper School of Business, I would always have a second chance at getting into the Department of Information Systems. I am interested in gaining admittance to both of these schools, but I feel I could take advantage of so many more business opportunities at Tepper than I could take advantage of at IS, which is the one of the reasons why I ranked Tepper as my number one choice among school's I wanted to get into.

How about instead of,

I can't see myself being prepared for the real world anywhere else other than at Carnegie Mellon University,

You write,

As I establish a strong foundation for my career, I know that Carnegie Mellon University can prepare me for real-world experience.

Undergraduate / CU essay, to portray a sense of who I am. [5]

He looks at me through the black fence, as He is as curious about me as I am of him. He cocks one ear and looks into my eyes. His eyes ask me, "What is your life like?" My eyes reply, "I think you already know."

I love to sit out on the cement stairs at the front of the house and people-watch . There is something about watching them in their natural environment that is magical, peaceful, and makes you feel more connected to others as you witness people going about their daily routine wondering where they are headed and what their life is like. For the most part, they are unaware that I am spying on them, but sometimes the person I am watching breaks away from his or her thoughts and stares right back at me. I panic and immediately turn my head to stare off into the far distance.

Oh, I was confused during the previous paragraph... the people-watching description made me think the opening line was about a person with whom you made eye contact while people watching...

On this day, however, the person on the other end of this staring contest is a different kind of curious creature-a stray dog. We make eye contact, and we connect. As our eyes meet, I am flooded with a view into the old dog's life that I try to hold onto as long as possible. His round brown eyes (like mine) show signs of happiness, sadness, helplessness, hope-everything. At once, I see him as a newborn puppy with mom by his side nurturing him. Next, I see him during his first hard winter when he has to pick through old human garbage for scraps of food. I see him finding an open fire hydrant to refresh him on a humid summer day.

Why must everything that goes up almost always come back down?

This is great! I like the ending, too!!

Undergraduate / 'programs, clubs, and opportunities' Boston University Supplement [2]

Every day I wake up to the same routine: stopping at the same stop signs, driving passed the same traffic lights, and seeing the same faces of people walking by on the streets. What had grabbed my attention was the opportunity to double major and study abroad in an immense program involving twenty-two countries around the world.

What distinguishes Boston University among the many other colleges in the area is the culturally diverse environment that surrounds the campus.

Well done!!!

Undergraduate / Common app essay(My friend said it's bad) [4]

Adapting to American culture in New York was not as easy as I thought it would be .

On my first day, everything seemed strange to me and I was scared; I wanted to go back to the school in my country.

Now, I am able to not only speak English, but also explain ideas clearly to the others.

I was able to not onl y adapt to a society while learning much about myself and others.