Undergraduate / Rochester Short Answer ("There's no more toilet paper!") [4]

As a result, my outlook on life and everything in general, is quite unique.

Additionally, due to this environment, I have learned how to make the right decisions quickly and concisely.

Hope this helps, good luck in school!!

:)

Undergraduate / U of Chicago: " Powers of Ten" [8]

Now her days are full of taking orders from her husband's other wives, taking care of her child and their children, cooking, and sometimes enduring the sexual advances of her husband.

Salif's life, hard as it is, is common in misery compared to the beggars', Fatou's, and to all the other problems in Dakar: corruption, unemployment.this sentence is unclear, needs some tightening up.

The family is known as the foundation of Islamic society.

Your essay looks pretty great, also an interesting read!

Good luck in school!

:)

Hey guys, Happy New year!! I know its new year, but if you could please check this real quick for me, it would be real nice.. its due tomo... thnx...

Undergraduate / Common App Extracurricular Short Answer (varsity sports and various clubs) [5]

Throughout my high school career, I have participated in many extracurricular activities such as varsity sports and various clubs that my school has to offer.

One of my activities in particular, that has made a significant impact on my personal development, was my experience playing on the football team for all four years of my high school attendance.

Not only did football strengthen me physically, but it also had taught me how to be disciplined , how to work together as a team, and most importantly, it has taught me about commitment.

What I remember most about playing football was the overwhelming amount of time, effort, and hard work that I had put into the sport. To me football was not just an activity or game, it was a passion.

Hope this helps!!

Good luck in school:)

Undergraduate / UChicago Road Essay- ("the story of one street.") [2]

Mom would then call me "a little glutton" with a soundless laughter sent down her spine and captured by my ear flattened on her back.this is great, you are a good writer!

Rain or shine, every Saturday, my mom and I would go jolting down that road.
Years had past since the last time I went past the snack street. My family moved to a new house in a better neighborhood and I quitted dance class after I told mom "my bones were aging" and therefore couldn't do the split well.

A year ago, when my mom drove me past a bustling commercial street lined with the glittering glass doors of high-class department stores, she turned her head to me in the backseat of her car and asked,

"Do you remember this street? Your snack street?"
I looked out the window and was shocked.

Great essay and nice story. Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / "Northwestern University is a school almost free from any stereotyping" [3]

I always wondered why. I guess that is because the school community is so diverse that there is no single trait that could possibly generalize all, if not most of Northwestern students and Northwestern's educational programs.

Diversity has always been one of my key goals ...this doesn't seem right, diversity as a goal, but it's late, and I can't figure out why...

Any Northwestern applicants are conversant with the college's characteristics: dynamic school culture, comprehensive and well-built education system, top ranking, knowledgeable professors, competitive learning environment while lacking the Ivy League "kill or be killed" mentality and ensuing arrogance, large libraries, good location near Chicago with vibrant culture, nice scenery near Michigan Lake and the list goes on.

this sentence is too long, you could make two or three out of it, which would also make it clearer

I hope these suggestions are helpful.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Brown U Supplement ("my summer holidays two years ago in Thailand") [6]

The things that motivate our life's paths are often only clear in retrospect.

I remember clearly my summer holiday two years ago at Thailand, picking up Niall Ferguson's War of the World : History's Age of Hatred.

Hatred may be a strong word, but there isn't a word more apt to describe what has happened around the world in the past century.

With modern weaponry, killing has become more efficient then ever. You may have thought that we have progressed morally as well as economically and scientifically. Well this book shows that we haven't progressed at all.

This is really strong, awesome. I'm buying the book tomorrow.

As a history student, I know that prejudice and discrimination will inevitably lead to hatred and conflict.

At that moment, I didn't just want to study history. I desperately wanted to study history.

(this may be the only key to making the future less violent, and wouldn't you think we'd have learned from our mistakes? It makes me feel ashamed to be an american, (and I will not capitalize that as long as Bush is in office), when I think of all the bloody massacres taking place all over the world, that don't even make it into the papers. The little massacres that have taken place for things like keeping the prices of coffee beans and bananas down, it makes me sick. We are the playground bullies, taking what we want when we want it. The U.S. is run by greedy murderers. I'm not suggesting you write this, just venting my opinion. Your essay is great and it struck a nerve:(

It is said that good books raise more questions then it answers. My dream is to enter Brown and ultimately be able to answer these questions.

This is an amazing essay, and Brown will be lucky to have you.

Good luck in school, though I don't feel you'll need much luck:)

Good luck

Undergraduate / PERSONAL STATEMENT[COMMON APP] "TWELVE YEARS EARLIER" [2]

My heart raced so fast that I felt it would pour out of my chest.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and thought of my aunt. "Believe in yourself and great success will follow you," She had told me .

When I began singing , I lost myself in the songs' words and meaning, and my nervousness went away .

Weak and distressed, I decided to abandon what was left of my performance.

After setting the Indian instruments up and warming up my vocal chords, I realized I had been away from music and singing so long that I was unaware of how much it means to me and how much I have missed it.

This is a nice essay, just a few grammatical errors here and there. I hope this is helpful.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / I was born to sell; Influential Person - Dad [9]

My father has always been the strongest influence in my life without a doubt. He has taught me the most important values of life: family, integrity, ambition, and generosity.

He has also given me a strong mentality and will, partly because he's my own personal motivator .

Really, you should add a few more sentences about how your dad has shaped you, what is it about him? Maybe elaborate on his rags to riches story, and what YOU have learned from it.

I hope this is helpful.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Short answers to Hendrix College [4]

Researching Hendrix College, I am attracted by the school's progressive climate. Both its curriculum and campus activities are designed to promote rich diversity in culture, intellect and linguistic traditions. Without fraternity or sonority, Hendrix encourages all students to join social activities, sponsored by more than 70 organizations.

This perfectly suits my desire to experience a diversified life, meet people from the world over and study their culture.

Students of all races, with different tastes and intentions will have a chance to interact in the same dormitories and events.

How about leaving this sentence out? Does it still sound alright to you?
good luck.:)

Undergraduate / My mother's Accident (My Growth Process) [4]

I have built a protective barrier around myself . I realize that now.

It was strange to see my mother lying there so helplessly. Her skin was paler than usual and glistened in the darkened corridors of her secluded? room. I tested the truth of the situation by gently placing my hand against hers.

I was shutting down and my state became horrific.emotional state perhaps?

Having realized the fragility of life, I began to understand that I have and will continue to face challenges throughout my life, yet I cannot let them impact me negatively.

Wow, this a very powerful essay.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Awful Common App Essay- ("the story of the Christmas tree") [3]

Every Christmas millions of trees are cut and sold by merchants in market places. Romanians go to buy them , negotiate the price and then proudly carry their Christmas trees home.

I was no better, until I stumbled upon some interesting facts: Did you know that the Romanian Carpathians accounts for 50% of the European bears and 35% of the European wolves?

That we are the proud hosts of a type of fish that dates from approximately 30 million years ago that is not found in any other country?

It turns out that the Geography Club was starting a paper-recycling program, so I went home and collected 2 boxes of paper.

They loaded him in a truck along with other fir trees and after a bumpy ride , the fir tree found itself among others of his kind in a market.

I hope this is helpful, good luck in school!

:)

Graduate / Essay on Addvocacy and Public speaking skills, Law school [3]

Since my childhood, on numerous family occasions I have been given the sole responsibility of taking the platform and voicing my opinions as according to them, I have the skills to give everything a logical conclusion no matter how queer it sounded initially.

My parents have always encouraged me to choose such a track in life which will showcase my public speaking and advocacy skills .

However, up until middle-school my practice of public speaking and advocacy was confined to the realm of family matters only.

But, it was in high-school when I was a captain of the School and therefore had to see to it that my team participated in all the extra-curricular activities. captain of the school what? This is unclear.

It was the first time that I participated in a formal debate competition. At first I was panic-stricken at the thought of being noticed formally among the whole school.

However after I had joined the school The Laurels as a teacher, I became a voluntary active member of the CAWCR, an advocacy organization originally based in Nepal that focuses on promoting women and children's rights, which was the school's sister concern.

While working in the same school I have been given the responsibilities of managing and hosting several fairs and school anniversary programs and seminars.

In conclusion, I would like to state that I believe my advocacy and public speaking skills have been the major attributes of mine,which have helped me to achieve most of the rich experiences that I have had during my short span of life and I gladly grace myself for more.

Hope this is helpful!

Good luck in school.

:)

Undergraduate / Common Application ("Growing up as an atheist") [7]

Growing up as an atheist in a community of super-religious Mormons, made it difficult not to feel excluded.

One person can never judge another based upon their beliefs because each person is unique, and I try to make every effort to not impose my principles upon others.

Other than these picky little tweaks, I could find nothing wrong.
Good luck in school, nice essay:)

Undergraduate / 'voice technology and CSRP' - Cornell's interest essay draft [4]

Since I was a child, I started to learn about computers, and they became more familiar to me as I grew up. I figured out that computers are essential in everyday life. Being accustomed to their technological marvels has made it hard for me to imagine how to get through a day without them. If anything happens to these computers, if the control systems of an assembly-line are corrupted, if communication through e-mail and chatting are down, and if the protection systems of the government are tampered with, we will be in trouble.

Although modern computers have a lot of excellent capabilities, they still have some limitations. People spend their time typing on the computer all day for work so that they don't have time to do anything else. Moreover, some disabled people are unable to use computers as effectively because of their disabilities. One solution to this problem is the use of voice commands that enable a computer to listen to a user's voice and do work as they command. This technology has great potential to help people because most people currently rely solely on a mouse and keyboard to input commands into a computer.

Now, how about a new paragraph here:

With voice technology, users can talk to the computer and command it to do what they want, allowing them to perform other duties while giving orders to the computer.

...

good, I see that you stick right with the theme of the essay, and transition into talking about how Cornell will help you.

Cornell challenges me not only my creativity but also my ability to demonstrate my capabilitiesperform in front of the others.

This sentence is not specific enough, I think ----> I need to be confident, but humble, at Cornell to succeed and become a great engineer, helping others to achieve the unachievable to make the impossible possible. Can you say something more specific about how you can get involved with voice technology through your experience at Cornell?

Undergraduate / 'A friend and a competitor' - Common App Essay -- Influential Person [2]

Wow, I'm so glad to be reading this extrely funny essay... :)

...What struck me was the fact that I hardly knew him, yet he already seemed like a threat or a sort of academic rival.

My friendship with Jonathan did not take form until the fall of our junior year, when our course selection inevitably brought us together again.

For once in this new school, I had someone who served as a friend to hang out with on weekends and also as an individual to compete with in the classroom.

This is GREAT!!!!

Undergraduate / "Here, sing!" - Common App essay on ethnicity [8]

Well, it's all story, and no reflection. This sort of essay should include a description of meaningful truths that were revealed by the situation being described. So, if you add some material at the beginning and the end, it can sort of frame the story in a certain theme.

As for the tense, I like to write in the present tense, but if you are telling a story about the past it is ordinarily correct to use the past tense. Still, you ca use the present tense if you are clever.

Undergraduate / 'Go-Stop and Korea' - Pomona Supplement [2]

This is excellent! I have no corrections to make other than what Constance caught... and it really is a very cool essay, exactly right for the prompt.

Undergraduate / Cornell Supp. School of arts & sciences (evolving into a businessman) [2]

Living in a family bound to an entrepreneurial company, I've always envisioned myself evolving into a businessman. Because modern society is sculpted, in part, by business decisions, I feel drawn to explore gain a fuller understanding of their value in my life.

Cool! ---> My career aspirations started in elementary school where I sold vibrantly wrapped Japanese candy, to my classmates for enormous profits.

Upon opening the Cornell prospectus, I immediately recognize the four main factors that make Cornell the place I absolutely want to be.

Undergraduate / USC essay ("Ey, look at my pictures.") [2]

Looking at my portrait, I see a confident, young adult who has changed shape over the years. I see someone who will become successful in life. There are two things that lighten up his smile: his white teeth, of course, and the light coming from the invisible halo resting atop his head.

"Ey, give me back my pictures."

Indeed, great story!!!!

Undergraduate / 'Knowledge exchange / uneducated family / Math award' - Tuft app short answers [5]

I can't achieve everything by myself; I need to learn to communicate and cooperate with others, to listen to their ideas and improve myself by gaining greater insight to the world around me.

However, in addition to working hard at school, I also care about my community. as well . Since 9th grade, I have joined many clubs centered on helping the community.

After I finished the program, I was so happy, because it marked the beginning of my contribution to achieving the solutions to societal problems.

Undergraduate / UPenn Long Essay - "My passion for history" [6]

My passion for history stems from the fact that it is one of the few subjects which allow, and even encourage , debate amongst its participants.

As Penn has an exceptionally large international student body, I believe that I will not only fit in easier and have more opportunities to be exposed to different cultures and races . We live in an increasingly globalized society because of the advent of the Internet and rapid development of transport. As a history student, I know ...

Okay, nice job!!! Just those few ideas, above.

Undergraduate / MIT Essay (End of the World) [13]

"Hurry up and rest for the exam," my parents shouted.

I guess I think that a bit more REFLECTION would be good. There is plenty of story, so now you need more reflection to go with it. Can you add to your intro paragraph and conclusion paragraph? Add thoughtful content to the beginning and the end.

Undergraduate / A future full of opportunities - Boston University Supplement [5]

Having spent the first eleven years of my life living in a busy city in northeastern China, the move to the quiet Corona, California was a big adjustment for me. Simple things like buying a bag of popcorn from a vendor on the sidewalk or watching toy-like cars go by from the top of a tall building were lost luxuries that I had to learn to live without.

Cool alliteration, above.

For the last part, can you name two or threee specific resources that BU will provide, and that make it unique among the schools? Just a bit more specificity at the end would be good. I like your approach, talking aout wanting to go back to the city.

I'm not sure what type of form you are using, but usually submitting things over the Internet involves leaving a space rather than indenting. Only indent if you are uploading an actual word document...but I am not sure.

Undergraduate / Lehigh Short Essay ("What a stupid crybaby..") [6]

Wow, I found no errors in this, and it does have a clear thee that you stick with throughout the whole piece... I guess what I think is missing is a better connection with the person you are today, and the way that your values are today.

Don't get me wrong... I see that they ask you to: "provide us with details from an experience that you had that has shaped these values," but because you chose an experience fro so long ago I think it would be best to bring the reader right up to the present, spending a paragraph showing the specifics of how your insight helps you to make a meaningful contribution today -- how it will help in college.

Undergraduate / Why Penn (the creative approach) - give me some last minute support [3]

Oh, I just think that the repetition of "Why Penn?" does not work the second time in this last paragraph:

Why Penn? Because Penn has for me, in the words of Benjamin Franklin...

Undergraduate / Cornell (CAS// BOOKS) [3]

Ever since I was little, my parents had the sheer necessity to surround me with books. It was as almost as if my parents believed that the scent of history bound literature could accelerate the process of my childhood. And if that didn't work, the smell of Starbuck's coffee surely would.

The countless hours I spent confined in that institution of books rather gave me my first taste of independence and formed the foundation for which I plan to pursue for the rest of my intellectual life.

...

My economically illiterate eyes overlooked the economic ...

AndNow, through the eyes of an aspiring economist, I see myself responding back to those same ideas of building a stronger global economy through my understanding of managing social services, capital, or budget.

In addition, I view College of Arts and Sciences' generous research opportunities and prospect of studying abroad as an advantage as I expand my study of the global economy.

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay (elegant compromise) [4]

Use a dash:

At that point I believed it was all math -- all calculation and no creativity.

During my senior year at my high school , physics labs have taken over my life. After school and before school my life has revolved around these labs. From modeling pendulum perturbations, to modeling magnetic fields and finally to building a hygrometer I have been able to experience the importance of both the mathematical and the design aspects of these engineering challenges.

Interdisciplinary education is important to me, and Cornell presents engineering as a catalyst for...

Alright, good ending, too!

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS- 1st draft. 'The great thing about magic' [10]

These are all just ideas that came to mind for me...
The greatest thing about magic is that it is always as fun for the magician as it is for the audience. I love performing magic tricks for friends, family, and newly made acquaintances, because I can incessantly amuse and impress them with just a deck of cards or a coin. For me as a magician,The most exciting part of a trick is learning how it works and how to execute it correctly. There is an "aha" moment for me when all of the slight of hand practice I have done and each of the false shuffles I learned come together into the trick, and I think to myself, "Wow. So that's how it works."

Undergraduate / Brown- Carpe Diem - Inspiration Essay [5]

"Carpe Diem", or seize the day. What does this saying mean?

right here, the reader thinks, "But...you just told me what it means"

Maybe you should use a new opening line; one that is shorter, but that still introduces the term "carpe diem"...(that way more focus will be given to the book by Camus)...and then continue:

Songs, movies, teachers, and parents profess this saying on numerous occasions, but is it actually applicable? Is this term saying that you only have one life to live and therefore you should seize it, and make the most of the opportunities that come your way? Is that its only meaning? These aforementioned questions were some of the many unanswered questions that plagued my life before I read The Stranger by Albert Camus.

See above that I italicized the title of the book. You should take away the " " marks and use italics instead, whenever you mention The Stranger.

....

Instead of "I say to YOU," it might be better to write:

So I say to myself, Carpe Diem; seize this life and make the decisions that, years from now, will be a source of pride as you remember the role you played in this world.

Undergraduate / CORNELL SUPPLEMENT, College of Arts and Sciences (Chemistry) [7]

Chemistry with Mrs. Ammons was the stuff of legends. ..

All this (above is good material). If you can say it in fewer words, you can keep the focus of the essay on the INTERESTS rather than the story. The whole essay is one big exposition of your

interests, intended major, or field of study

so you have to organize your essay around those three. It's going to be great, because with all this material you have, it will be easy to enhance the way you present it in order to directly accommodate the prompt. And every time you re-think something, it gets a little better...

now, for this part below, I'll try to reword an unclear sentence:

It has always seemed normal that certain traits of nature could be predicted (I had been doing all my life), but now it seems almost like a privilege. Rocks fall to the ground

Cool, and the rest of this material can be organized into paragraphs, and you can use topic sentences that show that you are responding appropriately to the prompt.

:)

Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]

Check out the TOS link at the bottom of the page; that explains it all.

Thanks!!!!

Undergraduate / 'me as not needing guidance' - Tufts Supplements [5]

Their persistence and support of my education taught me the importance of foresight: to look at everything and see how it would affect me in the future.

This way of looking at things allowed me to sit through classes that I felt little interest in. Even if I didn't like the class, I forced myself to like it anyway because it may help my the future. And that's what I'm after-- the future.

---------------------------------------

OOPS I just read yfungs response and realized this has already been edited perfectly:)

good luck in school!!

Undergraduate / 'the gift of singing' - U of M Setback Essay Punctuation help [9]

The previously mentioned events unfolded leaving me with feelings of anger and disappointment; anger towards the judges for not moving me forward in the competition, and disappointment towards myself for thinking I could have done something differently .

"While the good ones are undoubtedly favored among most, I believe the bad ones are much more profitable in the long run."NICE!!

Great essay, and good last sentence! I'll be looking for you on American Idol! When you win, I can tell people I helped you with this essay!!:)

Undergraduate / At the crossroads of life, all of 18 years of age, I find life to be a treasure of opportunities [6]

Oops...you asked about structure, and as I thought it was set up nicely, I forgot to mention that.

Undergraduate / "Don't get upset, everything's going to be okay" - The Pursuit of a Dream [3]

"Don't get upset, everything's going to be o.k.". ..

I heard these words a thousand times that day as I sat at the very last desk of a classroom.

She was congratulating some of my peers on their glorious accomplishments.

I had an overwhelming desire to disappear, to vanish from there, to become invisible, to not hear these words of compassion.

Several years after that shameful and inglorious failure, I was standing on a stage, and I beheld that everyone in a hall were standing up and they were applauding only me.

Whatever I did - I endeavored to distinguish myself, I always wanted to be special.
As I was fatherless, for me my mother was the dearest and the most precious person in the whole world. She put forth so much effort, she worked so diligently to maintain our family and simultaneously, she has always stayed cheerful and joyous.

Have you watched the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness" ?

My mother pinned her hopes on me, and I must not disappoint her.

Math is my greatest passion, has always been my favorite occupation and has always enraptured me, so I had no scruples about the decision to sign up for the group.

The appearance of this appointment was not casual, because according to the diploma hanging over the school entrance, I studied in the best school in the country.

Hope this is helpful, good luck at MIT.

:)

Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplement- Utilizing the resouces at NW [2]

This means that I will not be getting a hasty education from Northwestern via the quarter system, but instead an intellectually challenging and fast paced learning experience, which is exactly what I want.

By developing my leadership skills through involvement in the community and school, I will have obtained a skill that is crucial to any successful engineer .

One cannot overlook the importance of the diversity that Northwestern offers.

The research opportunity will not only prepare me for graduate school, but also it will give me a deeper understanding of the engineering topic that I will pursue by working in close proximity with a Northwestern professor.

The amount of opportunities available at Northwestern is unparalleled. The convenient location along with a diverse student body and club choices along with a first class education is what ultimately attracted me to the school.

Good essay!!

:)

Undergraduate / MIT Admission Essay (1998), world I came from [5]

From time to time, I had to explain to other kids why I lived with my grandparents.

For the welfare of his family, my father refused to lag behind.

He said he faced the greatest dilemma in his life upon learning of his acceptance.

Instead of settling down in America and making the whole family immigrants, he returned to his motherland to finish his studies.

All his endeavors and sacrifice finally paid-off.

Nice essay, and good ending.
Good luck in school!

:)

Graduate / SOP - MFA, graduate student - "Oh, not again!" [2]

"Oh, not again!" I was standing at the next stationfrom where I was supposed to step off.

I couldn't count how many times I missed my stop on the subway.

The station looked so indistinguishable; I wasn't able to tell the differencebut for the sign that said it was another station.

I soon acquired a job in a small design agency where I had understanding of how visual communication worked in diverse cultural settings.

During the next four years, I worked at a daily newspaper company, and I shortly discovered myself in another discipline of design, advertising.

In addition, she saw my passion for teaching computer application skills,and she recommended me to be a part-time graphic design instructor at the community educational center.

Teaching other people has taught me a lot, just like what Stefan Sagmeister recently said in his book; helping other people helps me.

There are quite a few gramatical errors, but it is a good and interesting essay. I hope this is helpful.

Here is some more help for the first paragraph:

I was standing at the train station that came after the one where I was supposed to step off.

The more I got lost, the more I wondered why they are so identical,no matter where they were and who built those signs and symbols. Upon leaving my country in 1996, I mislaid those curiosities on streets.Now tell the reader what the main theme of this essay is, so that they know the purpose of this intro. Mention graphic design.

Undergraduate / 'Indian students / China-Singapore' UMichigan, diversity and how you can contribute [11]

I also like the second one better, but that's possibly because the first essay contains many grammatical errors. Both essays are well set up and written, clear and interesting.

Good luck in school!!

:)

Undergraduate / The Thoughts of a Thirteen Year Old; Amherst Supplement (quotation) [2]

"What am I studying for?" thirteen year old Wenbo wonders.

I have little desire for luxurious holidays or designer clothes, and my family is not in desperate need of money.

Only with a vast range of knowledge will I be able to help repair the damaged Earth: Sciences are the building blocks of green technologies; Social Studies are the writing tools of international environmental policies; and different languages are my best friends knocking on the doors of people from everywhere in the world and telling them how important sustainable living is.

("Study for all the Lives on Earth" was my motto when I was thirteen and it still is. Personally, I cannot think of a better reason for me to study hard. I am applying to Amherst - one of the nation's best liberal arts college - because it will best prepare me for a future battling the environmental crises.)

Wow, nice essay!

Good luck in school!!

:)