Undergraduate / 'A veterinarian from Mountain View' - Stanford... why is it a good place for me? [5]

Stanford is a great place for me because I feel comfortable at the location, because a fun and relaxing day is close by , and because graduating with a Stanford degree will best prepare me for my future.

However, the number one reason I am looking forward to attending Stanford is because it is the college that can help me become most prepared for my future.

The ending is fine.

Good luck in school!!:)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - My Bus Experience [3]

It was hard for me to comprehend how much effort it had taken to finally get here, all the blood, sweat and tears that my friends and I had poured into making it from our humble abodes in suburban New Jersey to the sprawling metropolis of Chicago.

I first planned out what I thought the bus would need in for our road trip. After extensive brainstorming and arguing over the feasibility of each aspect, and its effects on our paltry coffers, we decided on what the bus would contain.

I remember the day vividly because there was a torrential downpour .

Looking back, I should have seen that the bus wasn't going to magically paint itself.

Good essay! How stylish and cool to fix up a dept. of corrections bus for a festival!!

:)

Faq, Help / No reply for my thread? [17]

Hello! Yes, I responded to it last night a few hours after your correspondence in this thread. I hope it helped!!! :)

Good luck in school,

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'Capital punishment debate' - stanford... an intellectually engaging experience. [5]

I enjoyed doing this project because it pushed me to look at a very controversial issue from every angle .

I had the chance to form my own opinions, due to facts and other opinions I found.

This is a good essay.
It seems funny that you asked at the end whether you should not mention which side you're on though :)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay ( The one with unlimited words ) [11]

Until she fell prey to a deadly eye disease: Endophthalmitis. Endophthalmitis is an inflammation of the internal coats of the eye.

. In all of my 17 years, I have never seen my family bond as much as during this past week.

There is a 10% chance of recovery from Endophthalmitis, so I have heard. Slowly, my grandmother is recovering from this disease.

Good luck in school!
(I hope your grandmother makes a full recovery!)

:)

Undergraduate / Stanford.. help your roommate get to know you. [7]

I'm always relieved when I make it home safely, but the excitement of unpredictable outcomes and the chance at finding a new running path is always worth the risk.

Running with a friend makes the adventure twice the fun, so I am looking forward to meeting someone who not only enjoys running, but is as curious about the outdoors as I am.

Excellent, but if you sounded any cheerier, your roommate might be tempted to smother you with a pillow!

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / UPENN Professor Short Answer (a successful sports agent) [3]

When this knowledge is applied correctly, it leads individuals like myself , whose goal is to pursue a career as a sports agent, to effectively market and surround my clients with the most coveted endorsements.

I look forward to one-on-one conversations with Prof. Wind outside of class, further discussing his research topics, including global marketing, and marketing strategy. Learning from Prof. Wind's proficiency in the managing and marketing, would be an honor and responsibility I look forward to.

Through KMAC, I learned to anchor properly,to be a cameraman, edit videos, make station IDs, and write professional news stories.

Hope this helps!!

:)

Graduate / I had submerged under the vast surface of law; Personal Statement-Law school [3]

Even though I was brought up in a family which never had any connections to any form of law or anything connected to the legal field, it has always been recommended that I study law due to my persuasive and good public speaking skills.

As the youngest family member with parents who firmly believed that older siblings deserved a better share in everything, I have developed certain persuasive and negotiating skills which always smoothed the way around most disagreements.

Thus encouragements from my family and my wish to voice myself and fight for the causes of any ailing person instilled a desire in me to choose Law as my profession.

But I soon managed to overcome it with positive perception and my enthusiasm towards law.

I strongly believe that my experience would definitely mold me into an efficient lawyer excelling my power of advocacy and the mastery over language and reason and would be of exceptional assistance to me, in my walk to reach my goal.

Well, you sure convinced me! Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / 1st draft common app esay: Sichuan Earthquakes [6]

Yes, I always say people should avoid contractions in formal writing...

Post your second draft, and I'll look at it if I can. It is a busy week! if you have time, please click on "unanswered" and help some other people!! :))))

Undergraduate / 'Understanding other people's worldview' - Common Application Essay 'Diversity' [5]

I had never been to America, so I was not familiar with American culture.

I asked them, "Is the right to bear arms more important than preventing possible murder?" They replied adamantly, "If government takes gun away from people, we couldn't defend ourselves when a dictatorial government takes over America." I was surprised to hear such reply from Americans whose democratic government was so profoundly established.

I agree!!!

The following year, I moved in to a southern African-American family. I attended a 100% African American church where people sang without any musical instruments. Even though I lived in America for only a year, I realized how much diversity there is to be discovered.

Wow, that is so interesting!!!!

Undergraduate / cornell essay, interest in engineering [4]

Well, sportsguy, as you can see when you look at the "unanswered" posts, the forum is especially busy this week. This is a free service, anyway, so it is not good to act as though you are a disgruntled customer.

This sentence confuses me:

The longer I am in physics the more questions I have get answered.

It is probably not good to talk about your boredom with other classes, or to suggest that things that do not interest you are "pointless" Every experiment we run in physics is not boring and pointless like they have been in other classes; they are practical applications that are also amusing and enthralling.

Separate the two parts of compound sentences with a comma, and use the word "cannot" as one word: I can not wait to dig deeper into what engineering is and I think that Cornell is the perfect place for me to do that.

Attending Cornell, and learning under and alongside with some of the brightest minds in the world, is the best way for me to get started on this track to making a difference.

Undergraduate / commonapp essay, ("no a fascination with death") [3]

Here, I am alone.

The willows along the river bank seemed to have magical power as they muffled all the chaotic noises of the world. The sun was omnipresent.

This essay is brilliant!! You are awesome! I am so impressed with the way you level with the readr, explaining that you do not want to waste 500 words explaning the difficulty of emigration, etc... and then, whoosh!

Awesome, the school will be lucky to have you.

Essays / have a doubt about present time in my essay [4]

Hi, I can't wait to see your essay! I wonder, what is the question to which your essay is supposed to be responding?

Undergraduate / NYU supplements .. 500 characters for all the answers [4]

I recently salvaged my new laptop because of one silly question: "How does the new Solid State hard-drive work?"Is "salvaged" the right word to use here?

Homelessness has for long been a serious problem in the society. I would, if given a chance, try to eliminate this problem. Studies suggest that, in order to get money and shelter, homeless people often resort to crime. like, stealing, robbing, and murders . If given the chance to do so, I would convince everybody to volunteer and nip the problem from its roots, because, in addition to the fact that people should help one another, it is also true that homelessness affects everyone -- not just the homeless.

I am attracted by Stern School's rich heritage of more than a century. As a business student, I intend to become a successful entrepreneur and a social worker for the world.

:)

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'my discovery of engineering' - upenn professor essay [13]

Mathematics has always intrigued me, but I've recently cultivated a passion for physics as well.

The field of engineering has permitted me to combine both subjects in a productive, dynamic way.

Dr. Kumar's innovative, cutting-edge research in exploring the vast universe, and understand its roots.

The mere thought of witnessing this project, and potentially becoming a part of it amazes me.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / UPenn Professor Essay (studying people's personalities) [4]

His work in Personality Theory, trying to understand human nature to be more than mechanical, but creative and free and individuals fascinates me to no end.

I've always built strong connections with my teachers, but they're stronger when we share a common interest.

I've built a stronger relationship with my English teachers because of this. But now, from this sea of professors from many schools, I've found a teacher with whom I can really connect .

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you- China Earthquakes [5]

I remember the strain of being separated from best friends, and I remember how it all changed every aspect about my high school exchange experience in China.

China.
May 12, 2008- It was a sunny day in Guilin, about 600 miles southeast of Sichuan. The other seven American exchange students and I were floating along the lucid Li River in a tour-boat, enjoying our vacation from Chinese high school life by marveling carelessly at the beautiful mountain ranges on the banks of the river and soaking up the sun.

It touched me deeply that she trusted me enough as a friend to seek reassurance and comfort from me in her time of despair.

I will continue to be a friend to those I meet, and I will continue to help others without hesitation, for no other reason than a friend would do a friend a favor.

This is a great essay. Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Additional information essay - some things of my life [2]

I enjoy discussing different topics, meeting interesting persons, and exchanging ideas in big companies since my childhood.

In spite of this, they made everything so that we, their children, did not need anything and developed catholically.(?)

All of my three brothers and I used to go to a music school to play the piano; we had various interests, such as swimming, dancing, and writing.

In the summer after the 9th grade , I joined a group of children to learn English at a language school "Business center"; and I enjoyed these lessons , because a volunteer talked to us in some.

There are more grammatical errors than my time here allows me to correct, but your essay is pretty good.

You don't say if theres anything you want to study besides English.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / At the crossroads of life, all of 18 years of age, I find life to be a treasure of opportunities [6]

At the crossroads of life, at eighteen years of age, I find life to be a treasure of opportunities.

I find new avenues opening up for me on every path of life.

I have witnessed the extreme toil that my father has undergone to set up his business in the leather industry.

I want to follow in his footsteps, and strive to set up an enterprise of my own.

By being part of the fraternity,I feel that I will be securing my future.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / ohio university written task [7]

I am no different in this matter.

It is to me an important issue that affects not only my tomorrow but also the whole post-cold war generation.

Banks did not feel threatened by this fact, actually they were delighted.

The lenders charged higher interest rates, made additional money on sub-prime loans, and the borrower's house would be seized and sold in case he or she defaulted .

Thus, giving credit was safe.

However, at the beginning of 2007, because of overbuilding and FED over pumping money to the market, the housing prices began to fall, which lead to the collapse of banks, such as the Lehman Brothers, due to their inability to estimate their assets.

Normally, the crisis is restricted to one country, but as the banks share their pain with other banks (national as well as foreign) to minimize the default risk and the United States have a powerful economy affecting the worldwide economy, the breakdown of the US economy has, like a plague, infected other nations.

And the key is the study of economics , because an enemy can be fought only by understanding him of her.

Good essay:)

Undergraduate / 'Excelling in tennis' - Common app.. short answer "ANY ACTIVITY" [5]

Although I started playing Tennis in 2007, it has become an important part of my life and I cannot even think of survival without it.

Every week, I meet at least one or two new people either from a different country or a different level of play.

Tennis is a very good game to learn a variety of skills which will prove to be a necessity in the future.

It can teach you how to behave and praise the opponent when you were defeated by him, and how not to overreact when you win a game. Playing Tennis also improved me in how to take and respond to challenges with utmost dedication and determination.

Hope this helps:)

Undergraduate / most meaningful academic experience (Moral Studies) [4]

I used to find Moral Studies to be the least interesting subject (out of 10 subjects) at school, and most of my classmates hated it.

I remembered questioning why Moral Studies was made a compulsory subject.

So, my old school friends were astonished when I told them that I actually enjoyed the Moral Studies classes at my new school.

During the very first lesson, my lecturer began by introducing ethics, the definition of ethics, the purpose of studying ethics, and I was also given a short excerpt from Aristotle's The Nicomacean Ethics to read.

All of these were highly intriguing to me; I had never studied any of them during school before.

As the study went on, however, I began to feel confused.

Good luck! Hope this helps!

:)

Undergraduate / 'First summer in the US / Curiosity / Homelessness / Hindi / Business' - NYU SHORT [2]

I did all the work and doing so made me feel highly satisfied.

I like being curious because it helps me in unraveling the mysteries of certain things that are extremely complex for me, such as the relationship between mind and brain.

I am always curious when i see new things. Curiosity has also destroyed many valuable possessions.

Stern School's rich heritage of more than 100 years has attracted me to it . As a business student, I intend to become a successful entrepreneur and a social worker for the world.

Nice!

:)

Undergraduate / Penn professor essay ("It is the organ"). What do you think? [8]

I think it's great, and nice tribute to Dr. Medina!

:)

Undergraduate / "Um! Yah! Yah!" - why you chose St. Olaf college [2]

And for me, one of the most attractive school features will be St. Olaf's environmental stewardship, especially the part of waste management.

I've changed a keyboard into a necklace, I've changed a pop-can into a birdseed container, I've changed a juice bottle into corbel... always having environmental awareness, I don't let any tiny thing around me go to waste ; because I know even the worthless thing has its value, which is just temporarily unnoticed.

Another thing in St. Olaf College that I'm strongly looking forward to is St. Olaf's passionate involvment in music.

How I wish to join St. Olaf's music ensembles to regain my enthusiasm and passion for music!

Hope this helps!

:)

Undergraduate / Upenn Professor ESSAY ("great relationship with teachers") [8]

I have always had a great relationship with teachers to whom I can relate.

There is not another professor I could better relate to than Professor Babou.

There is not another professor I could better relate to than Professor Babou.

GOOD!!!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Competitive and difficult world' - (What makes stanford a good place for you) [4]

Our world has become so competitive in the past few decades, that to succeed in it, people need to take necessary risks.

I take risks all the time, especially when I solve math problems, and so socializing with students who are the entrepreneurs of tomorrow should be easy.

The freshmen housing policy creates an inspiring environment, in which they can socialize with each other, participate in the various activities that make a true university campus.

Maybe you should mention which field of study you're interested in?

Writing Feedback / Aunt Junko, essay feedback [3]

Aunt Junko worked as an ordinary cleaner, responsible for the apartment building I lived in.

She was about 50 years old, slim and kind.

Her job covered tidying up the refuse collection station as well as cleaning up the corridors in the apartment building.

However, some people neglected the new policy and threw rubbish into the wrong bins.

Aunt Junko never complained whenever she saw this. Every morning , when she arrived at the refuse station, she began to re-classify rubbish and pack them in order.

When the garbage truck took away the sorted rubbish, she remained and rinsed the ground with water.

From then on, I never litter, and participate in environment protection campaign in the school.

Sometimes, when I work with others, I try to think of doing more so that others can find work easier; when the teacher assigns homework, I tell myself to complete it with all I can, no matter whether the teacher will review it or not.

"If we do a little more so that others can be in a better situation to perform another, why not do it?"this sentence is not very clear.

:)

Undergraduate / My family taught me to think about others first and be thankful; Let your Life Speak [3]

When the Korean War broke out, she was separated from her family and was left with no choice but to come to South Korea.

"There were no more seats left on the train so people started to climb up on the roof. That train was the last one that was heading south, so I quickly joined the people on the roof."

Whenever my grandmother vividly explained her coldest and toughest journey, I quietly listened and looked into eyes that were filled with a deep sorrow.

Then, I would stretch my arms out to hug my grandmother's bony features to ensure her that she was not alone and that I would do my best to replace her brother and sister.

I had fewer aunts, uncles, and cousins than those of my friends'.

Sometimes, my friends pitied my father's lack of relatives.

However, my family bond was very tight. Each member of the family strove to represent more than two family members.

I feel blessed because of my family. My family taught me to think others first, and to always be thankful.

I am the happiest person in the world.

I really like your ending!

:)

Undergraduate / Minority students. As a Puerto Rican student I I helped bring Latino Club to my school. [10]

Of the 2,592 students attending (school name) only 6.6% of them are minorities. As a Puerto Rican student navigating the creamy colored hallways, I begin to lose my identity.

This is impressive!! Well-written, too. Any college should be glad to have a student like you, who is a leader, and who makes the best of a tough situation. Great job!!

Undergraduate / Lafayette Short Answer ("Writing is a game") [8]

I'll help you use commas as they are to be used for good composition, below. Also, read The elements of Style by Strunk and White to find out more!

Many of my peers do not believe that I enjoy writing stories; to me, typing down a moving story is just like playing game.

I write with the attitude of a chess player. Everytime, I start the game with the same chess board - the blank page. Each sentence I write influences the ending, just like moving a chess pieces. I analyze all the possible outcome of my story, and I predict how my reader would respond, trying to set a little surprise for them. Awesome!!! That was exactly what I would do in a chess game in order to subjugate my opponent. Of course, there's no win or lost between a writer and his readers, but it's surely a big failure for me if anyone can surmise the ending just from the very beginning of my story. Right here, it would be great to add a sentence that comes as a little surprise...

Undergraduate / Theran And His Problem, and activity writing [5]

This paragraph above is full of information, and information is not so inspiring to the reader. This part is powerful, though:

Because I was fortunate enough to receive an education,I feel that it is my duty to help those who are not as fortunate, and I feel personally motivated to help those who are not as fortunate, and I feel personally motivated to help alleviate the problem of illiteracy in Canadian Aboriginal communities. Through interacting with fifty different children with varying levels of ability, I was able to better comprehend the complexity of the problem of illiteracy.

If you can incorporate that part it will be good!

:)

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to become a Veterinarian' - Inspiration at the Kennel [38]

How about this, below?

In conclusion, After this significant experience, I recognized that I wanted to become a veterinarian. I realized that I wanted to become a veterinarian because I love working with animals and enjoy taking science classes. Science courses are mandatory for working in the medical field, so I knew that I would be learning something that I love in college. At first I thought I wanted to become a doctor or nurse, but I quickly realized that I have a stronger connection with animals. Even though working at the kennel was one of the toughest jobs I have ever had, I wouldn't go back and change it for the world. This job put me towards the right direction in life, which is to become a veterinarian. Working in a kennel and being a veterinarian may seem like two completely different jobs, but they both have one major thing in common: Both jobs involve caring for animals and making their lives the best it can be.

This is a strong sentence, meaningful: At first I thought I wanted to become a doctor or nurse, but I quickly realized that I have a stronger connection with animals.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / NYU 5 short question supplement- Stern [5]

I wonder if there is a genetic code embedded in my DNA that made me curious. My need to ask the question "why" has broadened my horizons and allowed me to venture into topics such as string theory.

It has allowed me to become more reasonable, because I am able to understand the different views that people have and think critically.

Most importantly, it gave me the ability to think innovatively because of the assortment of unusual ideas flowing through my brain.

And right here, you need a comma:

This generation of business leaders in the global economy will have an enormous impact on the future environment, business ethnics, and society, and I want to be an active member of this revolutionizing change.

:)

Undergraduate / Cornell Supplement, School of Hotel Management [5]

I've developed leadership skills that have taught me how to manage and motivate a group of people toward a common goal.

My primary job was to manage the program aides and cater to the high levels of customer service over the telephone and in person .

I exercised my marketing, sales, and improvisational abilities through birthday parties at the store, concessions, and the front desk.

My job as a Keller Williams Realty executive assistant gave me an awareness of budgets, revenue, and other financial fundamentals that applied to the requests of the client's hospitality.

:)

Undergraduate / BU UNI Supplement - Why BUÉÉ + Why Program! [3]

My first brush with Boston University came when my guidance counselor suggested that BU was an ideal fit for my interests in the field.
You should specify what field here^.

Since I was ten, I have been fascinated by the different methods of advertising, and their effects on what we/people buy, and how we think about certain products.

In this light, Boston University's Department of Mass Communication, Advertising & Public Relations is my ideal program. With modules such as Persuasion and Public Opinion, and Design in Communication, Boston University is the one university with the programs that seem custom-made to my interests.

It was the love of both films and advertising, which finally had me study movies to see not only the different camera effects used, but also how advertising was integrated into these films.

Just recently , for example, when I saw a movie, I realized that the protagonist of the movie was using an Apple iPod, and my own thoughts of iPods became more favorable.

Hope this helps!

:)

Undergraduate / 'study human evolutionary genetics' - UPENN PROF and WHY PENN ESSAYS [4]

Since I was eight, when I learned about the anatomy of the human body, I have been intrigued by biology.

I have always been fascinated by how viruses and bacteria-microorganisms so minuscule that they are not visible to the naked eye-could kill a humans-organisms many times their size.

Waiting for results is like watching an invigorating thriller movie-suspenseful and unpredictable.

I loved how the lotus walk was crammed with flyer's of all sizes and color, underscoring the fact that there are always exciting events taking place on campus.

Great essay, good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / "Camera is interesting." Personal Statement [6]

Nice essay and wonderful story!

:)

Undergraduate / My Personal Statement, I sent it in to some schools. comments? [3]

At the very start of this journey, my indistinguishable voice grew into a whisper in the wind.

No longer was I the shy girl that always did as she was told.

My once barely(?) audible voice evolved into a charming melody.

Finally, I realized that before I was what everyone expected of me: a "good Korean Christian girl".this needs clarification

When I came out of my comfort zone by going to a different church than my parents, I didn't know if my decision would become a complete failure or success.

Good luck in school!
:)

Undergraduate / Being counselor for friends - CMU App Essay Why you chose CMU/Major [5]

As my time in high school has come to a close, I've taken the time to seriously think about what I want to do with my life.

While contemplating this , I realized that I was a kind of counselor for most of my friends, and even some people I didn't know well.

I've also been led found a very interesting subject.
I don't understand this sentence^.

For a long time, I have wondered how people think, why they think the way they do, and have tried utilizing that to figure out how they would act and what they would think in certain situations.

Nice essay, and nice ending:)
The notion of studying intelligence and learning on machines is something I haven't seen elsewhere, and with my natural interest in technology, it's fascinating.