Undergraduate / My fascination for process of invention; Carnegie Mellon; Major? [8]

After gaining some understanding the computer as a machine, I desired to learn how to utilize and improve it.

Learning how to design and build circuits invigorated me, because it brought computers to life.

In order to unlock the many different prospects that computer engineering and computer science possess, I must become equipped with the proper knowledge.

Not cheesy at all. Carnegie Mellon will be very lucky to have you.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / 'the BBB Society Professor of the Year' - UPENN professor short answer [6]

Concentrating in neuroscience while majoring in biology in my undergraduate years, will grant me the resources needed to better understand the brain.

Professor Abel's numerous accomplishments, such as receiving the BBB Society Professor of the Year proves his immense talent as a teacher and adviser.

His active involvement in his students' research using mice to study behavior, as well as his "approachability" , make him the ideal mentor to help me contribute to this field of the future.

looks good!

:)

Undergraduate / Claremont Mckenna: leadership essay [2]

This is why I chose Dr. Donald Ainslie Henderson (1928-), epidemiologist and physician.
This sentence is unclear,(above)

I have always been intrigued by the never-ending possibilities presented by the research and vaccinations that science beholds.

He then looked back at the picture of Dr. Henderson and said a prayer, thanking him for protecting his family from the immense problem of smallpox during his younger years in the 1960's.

I was so amazed by the actions and determination of Dr Henderson that by twelve years old I decided to become just like him - a world leader.

You sometimes only write "Henderson" instead of "Dr Henderson"...these have to be fixed.

:)

Undergraduate / I'M A THUG-Common App Essay-My FIRST draft. [40]


That sentence above is powerful. It is provocative, and makes me want to know what you mean!

Okay, so you write brilliantly, but I think you use "incur the wrong way at the end.

Through this experience, I discovered myself and many other treasures to be cherished forever. It is true I wore a mask of intelligence, but I soon realized it was a mask I already had that I simply neglected to wear. Moreover, I never had the courage or motivation to explore its far-reaching boundaries. The world of judgment proved to be as dangerous and conniving as I had predicted, but now I was a seasoned warrior of the land, free to roam about as I wished. Lastly, I discovered the empowerment that I can receive from others, because without them, I would not be sitting here telling this story.

So, looks do matter...only if they yield some sort of self epiphany.

Maybe "yield" is better?

Undergraduate / common app essay : the person who carried me [7]

Hi, I think bliss (has a really great user name!) is correct to suggest that you should not write about your limited writing skill. However, the honesty you express is good.

Try writing it the way I suggest below.

As a person to whom English is a second language, my writing skill is not yet as eloquent as it soon will be; I may not yet write with fancy phrases, but I can tell you the truest story in the most honest words.

Thirteen years ago, poverty, shame, conflict, fight, a family was brought to the brink of ruin since the husband lost his job in depression. With nowhere to go, he went to America with all the hard-earned savings of the family, hoped to start a new career and promised he would eventually come back as soon as he succeeds.

After the man left, his wife realized her past life ended and a new hard life just began. Without her attentive husband, she had to learn to cook, ride a bicycle to take her daughter to school (They were too poor to afford a car), be independent, and also answer her little daughter's questions: "Where is dad, mom? When will he come back?" she would ask at least twice a day. "Dad went to America on business; he will be back next month." She lied every time. Actually, she herself didn't know the answers either.

She didn't want to see her daughter repeating her pathetic mistakes that a weak woman started to stand on her own feet only after abandoned.

This makes it sound like you think she was pathetic. It is better to write that she wanted to EMPOWER her daughter... do not write about pathetic mistakes.

Undergraduate / UW Activity Log [2]

Being in this club has taught me a lot; I've learned how to start an organization, plan and organize a big event, foster communication between team members, and hold a successful fund raiser.

Music has an incredible influence in my life, and my mood can change completely during a four-minute song.

I've been in the choir since I was in 6th grade, and in sophomore year I auditioned and was accepted into Chorale, the most prestigious choir at my school, which I am still part of today.

In the first quarter of my senior year, I volunteered as a Teacher's Assistant and at preschool for families who were having financial difficulties.

:)

Undergraduate / Commonapp short answer, activity (I was in the pool) [13]

I mopped the water off my face, and then I smiled, bowed, enjoyed the applause and the smiles I put on the faces of my special audience.

Seeing their eyes light up with joy and their wrinkles folded with laughter, we knew that a week of hard work had paid off.

By pushing wheelchairs and distributing blankets, I encountered these exceptional people who gave me remarkable advice on overcoming obstacles and setting goals for myself.

It truly surprised me when I found out how much I gained by helping others.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Common Application-Personal Essay-(Essay of your choice) [3]

Throughout each season, color guard units come together and compete within their respective divisions.

Color guards may also be associated with members of a marching band.

. In a marching band competition, the color guard is judged based on the caption auxiliary.

Although they are judged under an individual caption, the guard complements the overall score of the band.

Performances for marching bands take place on football fields at halftime during football games or at standard competitions.

Good essay!

:)

Undergraduate / What would you want your roommate to know about you? - oxymoron [6]

--------
I was talking to my mom about how to describe myself in words, and she laughed and gave me one: oxymoron.

I'm a nerdy fashion plate, a hard-working procrastinator, an organized mess, a predictable sporadic.

My nerdiness is a trait for which I've become known among my classmates .

I'm "that smart girl" who will help you on calculus homework or Latin translations.

Like many of my peers, I claim that I work best when doing something at the last minute.

Your essay is so cute!!

My family says about me, if it wasn't for the last minute, I'd NEVER get anything done!!

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer ( City Links program) [7]

This is great! I'll just try to help with this part, below:

I have been participating in a community service program called City Links for the past (five?) months. We are able to serve the community while gaining internship and volunteer experience. The internship I chose is with Manager Information Systems, which provides technical support to public offices throughout the city. I have absorbed various computer skills through this experience like how to diagnose problems, repair hardware and install systems.

Undergraduate / Univ of Virginia Supplement- a piece of artwork that has suprised me [2]

There have been many works of art by famous artists that have surprised me, but I was surprised by one unexpectedly. It happens to be a painting of my own.

I took painting as a requirement as an underclassman , but I then chose to take it as an elective during my junior year.

Ultimately, that painting holds such significance in my life because it has helped shape me into an open-hearted person no longer living behind the closed doors of my mind.

Great job! You captured in words that transcendental experience of going deep within, to the place from which good art comes.

Undergraduate / 'international background and teachings' - UPenn Professor Essay [6]

Throughout my childhood and early academic studies, I have developed a strong affinity towards learning about history and how individuals with power have historically interacted with society. I am particularly interested in the Soviet era, especially under Joseph Stalin's rule. At Penn, I hope to study with Professor Benjamin Nathans as I becomeget more involved with his current research in human rights violations and the lack thereof in Stalin's regime.

The horrors of the Stalinist regime completely dwarfed that of the Nazis and most other dictatorships of the 20th century. I have often marveled at how Stalin was able to kill not only strangers (that, though horrifying, is understandable as we as humans are more impartial to people we don't know), but also colleagues, close friends and even family. The chaotic nature of the USSR during the purges was unique; there has never been a government which systematically organized its people based on pure chance and randomness. The complete lack of any morality is startling. It is important to understand how such an inherently evil regime could have come to being if we are to avoid such atrocities in the future. It also puts into perspective the progress that China has made since Mao's time and the position of the United States ; it seems clear to me that critics who have been calling the United States an 'evil empire' did not study Soviet history.

With my international background and teachings , I believe I can contribute a fresh perspective to Professor Nathans research, and I ultimately look to answer the question of how an evil regime was able to endure for as long as it did.

I tried to cut it down for you, to fit within the word limit.

Student Talk / Word count limits and restrictions in essays [44]

The essays are opportunities to impress them. See if you can find creative ways to meet each challenge, including the word limit!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Lego blocks / Carnegie Project / Electrical Tech' - Brown Engineering Supplement [6]

Yes, that is correct about "sought."

I can't find much room for improvement here; you write very clearly. However, here is a fix:

As of now, I am not certain as to which engineering program I will choose . While interning at Stanford, I was exposed to a combination of electrical and mechanical engineering, which fascinated me. Computers and other electrical/mechanical technologies are intriguing to me in daily life, and advancements are constantly being made. I want to not only have an understanding of my surroundings, but also be a part of the innovation.

Undergraduate / MIT Short Answers (ballroom dance; civil and environmental engineering) [3]

Your first sentence is really cool:

Despite my lack of coordination and balance, I knew from the day I watched a competition at MIT that I was born to ballroom dance.

Classes in this department will help me to understand the implications of human interaction with the environment, and discover how we can best reverse the damage for which we are responsible.

Great job!!!

Undergraduate / commonapp essay, "everyone has a different mountain" - review [4]

The journey of life often takes us through forests of thorns, through roads blocked with colossal stones and fallen trees, through places where humans never stepped before.

I was born in a country where greatest minds lived in poverty and obscurity, where your life depended on fate, as it was defined even before you were born. Time passed slowly in [name of country] as I lived with my parents, studied, and pursued my dream.

Soon, I went to school and was offered the opportunity to study for the English Language Learners exam to determine the level of my knowledge of English; I passed the exam with a high score.

I can't believe you learned English as a second language! You write more eloquently than MANY native speakers of English (including me, I think!). Great job, congratulations for all your achievements.

Undergraduate / Common App Short -- first job [5]

Separate the two halves of a compound sentence with a comma:

It was one of the hottest days of the summer, and I was indoors wishing my light blouse was a wool coat.

This is cool: If I had to change something about my first job, it would be the thermostat.

Do you have the freedom in this essay to elaborate and somehow connect that experience to your plans for college?

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY- PERSONAL STATEMENT: Lebanon country [3]

This country happens to be my homeland. It is the place that changed my life. It is Lebanon.

This is something that to which I could never relate while growing up.

I feel that it saves them the trouble of embarrassing themselves, and it makes me feel better to know that I taught someone something new.

Tolerance is lacking in people these days, but there is still hope.

Yes, we are extremely liberal and open-minded people. Yes, we are also extremely hospitable and educated. Most of all, we have a sense of pride in whom we are, which is what I found and remember most during my trip and hope to instill in others.

This is SOOOO impressive. You will do very well with it. Good luck.

:)

Undergraduate / UMich Diversity (Short Essay, my Korean-style lunch) [5]

Sitting down at the round lunch table, I anxiously stared at all the various faces surrounding me.

Although my friends possessed their own unique ethnicities , fashion preferences , political stances , and perspectives on life, the differences between them complemented each other.

This is great!! Also, your username is my favorite food. The language is not too repetitive, but I fixed those minor errors above. And actually, the change to "various" was not even an error, just an idea for improvement.

Undergraduate / Comm. app. short essay; "Sub! Sub!" my coach screamed impatiently at the referee [12]

Just an unnecessary comma:

Suddenly, the coach turned around and quickly scanned each of the bench players.

This is a great, well-written story.

Undergraduate / Common App Main Essay ("I am a man of ideas.") [5]

The Hero, the Outcast, the Star-crossed Lovers, the Orphan, the Shrew: these storybook stereotypes, these pieces of humanity -- these are the elements that mix and blend and spin the tales that attest to the soul, that are written in ink and told everyday.

I don't understand this one: I wear buttons that state the wrong belief for the wrong reason on my right breast pocket, for a conversation never arises from an idly held conviction.

She showed me how to lead a nation while remaining soft-spoken.

This is brilliant, and you ar a great writer. Unfortunately, some readers of this may decide that you strayed from the prompt question; part of responding to a prompt is to accurately respond to it's particular challenge: They asked for a single character or work.

However, this essay is great! If you decide to revise to focus on a single example, you should save this great material for other essays.

Undergraduate / Summer activity (a substitute teacher at Ithan Elementary School) [10]

I was not only happy to be a part of school faculty, but also contented by the fact that I could work at my elementary school.

I was invited to address a teacher, whom I used to refer to as "Mr. Hunt," simply by using his last name as his friends do: "Hunt."

Teaching young children enabled me to reminisce of my early childhood.

That must be a great experience!! Try my suggestions, above.

:)

Writing Feedback / Reflective Response on "To Build a Fire" by Jack London [2]

Nice job! Just use commas to introduce quotes:

I think that the author does an excellent job building suspense by explaining how, "undoubtedly it was colder than fifty below-how much colder he did not know," and, " the thought reiterated itself that it was very cold and that he had never experienced such cold."

Perhaps you should explain how instinct saves the dog... and give this some sort of reflective conclusion.

Undergraduate / Revise, set back eassy, the relationship with host family [3]

The result of receiving too much attention is usually someone far less than perfect: a little tyrant who expects everything to be done for them and cannot handle any pressure.

Two years ago, everything changed; I start my voyage to America .

However, after a while it was difficult to think they are my sister and brother.

I will feel embarrassed hugging and saying, "I love you", but they take it as greeting.

The culture collision soon aroused serious of conflicts .

As time passed , the gap between me and them grew bigger. We rarely talked . I felt like we were strangers that live under same roof.

I was in one of those moods, tiredness and

I'll never forget the first time I shopped for groceries by myself ; the first time I answer question in classes in fluent English; the first time I start running with friends in the soccer field; and for the first time, I become a brother.

Wow, I really love the part about Red Lobster. It is funny. You seem like a GREAT person. With your English, you need to work on conjugating the verbs so that you can tell a story in the PAST TENSE. Have somebody else look at this essay and see if I missed any mistakes! :)

You are cool!

Letters / Resume for State College Admission [3]

This is a great excuse to call the admissions office and make a good impression. Win them over with your positive attitude as you ask for guidance about their preferred format.

As resumes go, there are many different styles. If they leave it up to you to choose an approach, check here:

curriculumunits.com/Resume/resume/resumecollegein dex.htm

Essays / essay question on national theatre and somerset house??? [3]

After you study the class readings, or readings that you are required to find through research, can continue by reading some articles that other people have written about these things. If you do enough reading about the subject matter, you will inevitably form an opinion of your own. In your intro, give that unique opinion about the contrast between the two.

Then, for the rest of the essay, you will be explaining and supporting that assertion you made in the intro paragraph.

Undergraduate / Influential Novel (academic exprience essay) [3]

I don't want to ruin the novel, but in the end, one of the boys must run for his life from a mob, in order to save himself.

As in many high schools throughout the country, there is a substantial drug abuse problem among students . When asked to partake, I have no problem saying "no." While it is partly because I know of the long term effects of drugs, I have been guided by the anti-mob mentality and peer pressure message sent by Lord of the Flies.

Great essay, I liked that book too:)

Undergraduate / Rochester Supplement -What makes it good for me? [5]

A good university feeds the curiosity of its students , has excellent educational facilities, and a diverse environment.

:)

Undergraduate / Princeton two summers [is my writing style is okay?] [5]

During these past two summers, I launched on my research of Vending Machines.

I dashed to intern, drew numerous drafts to conceive, jumped into the network longing to search for information, and utilized every possible resource to experiment.

In 20 days, I went over countless receipts and bills donated by countless strange people, but I felt incredibly familiar with all of them, for I knew they are those people just around me, with whom I am breathing the same air, tasting the same tears and also immersing in the very same mood- sorrow, hope and bliss.This sentence could be divided into 2 for clarities sake?

But she went red excitedly again as she discovered they were all made of candy and chocolate. After all, how could we forget to have fun in summer?

very cute essay, innovative and well set up:)

Undergraduate / Lehigh (grammar + structure) [4]

By the end of my junior year of High school when I began to research diverse universities, I found Lehigh University to be one of the most fascinating ones.

Education at Lehigh is personal, combining the intimacy of liberal arts, and the intellectual power of a large research university.

Not only are the academics great, but also there are wide variety of organizations on campus which will allow me to pursue my nonacademic interests, such as community service.

Given my international background,what is it? I believe I can contribute to the positive aspects about the school.

:)

Undergraduate / biomechanics concentration - Johns Hopkins supplemental [8]

Legally, I cannot say that I ever had a brother.

After learning the joy of having a "brother" to take care of and be taken care of by, how could I not wish the same joy for everyone else?

I think that, if I can somehow save just one little child's beloved pet, any challenge I have faced, and any expense I have paid, will have been worthwhile.

It was cute how you called him your brother, but I think you should change it to pet, sometime during the essay, to make it sound more serious. (though I have a little "sister" asleep on my lap right now:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Father-Daughter relationships have always been complex; Essay on my father. [7]

--
We've all heard the "When I was your age" speeches.

I'd always say, "We're NOT in the Old Country anymore; we're in a new country in a new age with new morals."

In order to shield myself, I always tried to ignore his stories, but recently Father has just been stating what's wrong with me.

--Once my father yelled at me to the point of a breakdown because he didn't like my handwriting.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'doing something constructive that fulfills my time' - Personal Essay (a sense of who you are) [9]

I am satisfied when I am doing something constructive and fulfilling.

These ideas influence my life and continually guide me as I move forward. They urge me to accept challenges, find things to do that benefit the world, and make decisions that involve my ideas of life.

Choices and desires are two things that will always affect me and whatever I do, it involves making a decision.

I am prepared to accept any challenges that come my way. When someone asks for help I take that request as an opportunity to learn something.

I would like my legacy to be that I helped as many people as I could, and became positive person in the environment.

My goal is to do positive things for the environment so that others can benefit because I benefited from that same environment and I would like others to have that advantage.

Good essay, and good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Columbia short response (Rigorous, diversified, and accessible) [4]

Rigorous, diversified, and accessible are some of the many appealing aspects of Columbia that attract me.

Looking at the curriculum and its organization, I believe that Columbia presents a welcome challenge to my educational aspirations.

In addition Columbia has diversity in its population of students which will enable me to cooperate with and interact with a wide range of people.

Additionally, the accessibility of Columbia to the heart of Manhattan draws me more to this school. I think that such qualities in a college will allow me to learn the most I can.

You should say something about what you hope to study there!

:)

Undergraduate / Personal statement; Perspective - its definition still lacked meaning. That soon changed. [4]

As we stopped at the first time at a traffic light, a young girl no more than six-years-old climbed on the hood of the car and began wiping the windshield, while another tried desperately to sell us the newest magazines and handmade toys.

I had not respected, valued or appreciated my parents' efforts nearly enough, and for that I was and continue to be embarrassed.

Instead, like a spoiled child I always pestered them for more; more things, more wants, more desires.

Your essay does convey your caring and humble nature, and it's very good.

:)

Undergraduate / Brown Essay "What is an academic experience, project, class or book that h" [3]

People tend to generalize and enjoy the simplicity it brings.

Statistics can be used as political propaganda and to manipulate people's minds by exaggerating parts of data.

The concept of model minority is a good example that uses statistics to identify an ethnic group in a particular sense.

But what I eventually ended up with, was that judgments are made by humans, therefore humans have to change their perception towards statistics.

Statistics will continue to exist, but reasonable interpretations can be made to fairly utilize their benefits .

:)

Undergraduate / Personal essay for Common App ("how I felt when I first came to Canada") [3]

I have no friends because other students think I am strange, I have no one to turn to because I don't speak their language, furthermore, I am mad at myself because I am not good enough in school.

About half a year later, my English improved and I gradually made more friends.

However, past experiences still stuck with me and I didn't have enough confidence to become a leader.

Through countless challenges, encouragements from friends and my family, and success, I gained confidence. I became very open and outgoing, my interactions with other students allowed me to gain new knowledge and perspectives, and I became passionate about making a difference.

This initial success led me into joining and starting other organizations that were more challenging, but allowed me make bigger differences, this included representing the entire student body of my school at the city level, and starting a key club at to develop leadership in others and to provide service to the school and community.

Challenges began to thrill me as I used them to better myself.

I went beyond what was necessary of me and took on initiatives that others didn't, and changed myself in the process.

Good luck, the school will be lucky to have you!

:)

Undergraduate / Priceton Supp Essay ("Some questions cannot be answered") [7]

The structure of symbols and numbers that I was used to seeing was no longer there. It was replaced with convoluted words, signs, and Q.E.D's.

Worst of all, it was a proof of how two points can make a line.

It is the set of inescapable truths that are universally observed and lay the foundation of mathematics.

I spent hours struggling to figure out how sin (a - b) = sinacosb - cosasinb, or why Ptolemy's theorem worked.

If some questions cannot be answered, I'll prove it. this needs fixing:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Need help with most important essay for college in my life. [10]

As I stepped off the plane that brought me to the other side of the globe, I knew I was in a new world where beauty looms around every corner and people are offered an array of opportunities.

Colors became just as alive as the people, like a giant oil painting that seemed to move and speak on its own. I could do nothing except admire the grandeur of the shapes that molded together to create the most beautiful art pieces.

For most of my life I lived in a world where I saw many facets of human existence, some acquired traits while others were environmental attributes, yet there remains an iota of ingrained values in my life that I cannot live without.

Moving away from my native land where my life transitioned from a toddler to a teenager, was not an easy task for me.

It drastically changed the person I am, but I am grateful for the move as it introduced me to new perspectives on life .

With death, remarriage, moving out of my childhood home, the addition of four step sisters, and immigration to United States, I focused on my career, while the rain of surprising events continued at its zenith.

The circumstances provided me with a motive to achieve perfection in academics, sports, and in the eyes of everyone who cared for me.

Your perception of the world is something that no one can ever take away from you.

A shadow has started to walk towards the sun, growing longer and longer until it disappears into the approaching darkness.

You are an awesome writer!

:)

Undergraduate / We live in a world of obstacles. ;Personal Statement, Innovation [4]

During my sophomore year, I was posed with a problem.

From the beginning, my work has captivated me.

. He was an innovator with the project's goal in his sights and would not stray from his path to completion.

I was helping to change the world and am inspired to continue to do so.

Well written, good luck in school!

:)