Student Talk / What does it mean to be a good writer? [7]

I write 'great writer' usually, when I read a moving story, someones little dog died, a death in the family...sometimes as a little "pick me up" after a sad story!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Chemistry and new people' - Why do I want to apply to Emory University? [5]

I do not have to go straight into big city life, but can live on a small campus within a close-knit community.

Emory will give me the chance to have hands on experience on various subjects, instead of just being limited to the classroom.

I have already been to Italy once, but I will be able to appreciate the culture more by staying there for months and also attending school.

I could hopefully continue my volunteer work at the hospital or shadow a doctor to see what it really takes to be one .

That will give me a better chance to learn and discover things about people's various cultures. I am open to learning more and opening my mind to other people's perspectives.

I will discover the town by going to museums, attending festivals, and just trying new things while I am there on campus and the city itself.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / common app short answer (work at the hospital) [3]

Having worked at the hospital for almost two years has helped me prepare for the real world, at least in terms of a job. I go to the Women's Unit once a week for a four hour shift .

There are the usual tasks that I have to do on my own. I clean the cribs, ask all the moms if they need anything, discharge patients , make the charts that the nurses use later for the admitted mothers to be, and basically just attend to the nurses for anything that needs to be done. I've rather enjoyed doing all the work that needs to be done, because doing all the menial tasks has brought me to the realization that I would love to become a doctor in the future.

Hope this is helpful:)

Undergraduate / Common App-Significant Experience- To jump or not to jump (suggestions pls) [5]

I was not the kind of girl who enjoyed going without showers for a week, surviving on the staple food of summer sausage or jumping off enormous rocks to show my bravery.

A few months ago, I had interviewed at my high school to be a Prefect- a senior honor and leadership position.

Now I would actually have to act on all of these claims I had made, and I would have to attend the accursed Prefect Trip- paddling for days in Minnesota's boundary waters without most things that I'd considered essential .

It was a moment of simplicity and indescribable understanding in which I realized that a vast lake stood before me, ready to be paddled through; it was just whether I had the determination and endurance to push myself and make it to the end.

Good luck!!

:)

Undergraduate / Motivated you to apply to Rice? Wonderful psychology program that fits my type of learning [4]

I am not only motivated to apply to Rice because of its prestigious rankings, but also for the qualities that allow Rice to shine and rise above all other colleges and universities. I am so very pleased to find that Rice has a wonderful psychology program that fits my style of learning. The programs reassured me Rice will be a perfect fit for me. I was won over when I learned that Rice prides itself on their diversity .

Fitting into Rice University will not be an issue with its unique residential program. At Rice, I know I will have a support system to help me through my academic journey with the office of Academic Advising. Rice has a wide variety of student organizations in which I would love to be a part .

Here are just a few suggestions, see what you think.

:)

Undergraduate / As inventory and supply manager of the restaurant, such is a typical work day for me. [3]

It had been a long tiring walk to the restaurant from the Port Authority. I finally reached the restaurant and my body quickly adapted to the basement's soothing temperature.

Then, I went to my head chef and told him that the inventory had been restocked.

As inventory and supply manager of the restaurant, such is a typical work day for me. Talking to suppliers, arranging meetings with the owner and negotiating pricesare my basic job requirements . These job requirements have improved me a lot in building better work ethics and a sense of dedication and determination towards aiming for a goal.

Good luck!
:)

Undergraduate / essay about Setbacks, I'm a foreign student,need help [7]

Also, it might be fun to list culture conflicts, or differences, into funny ones, embarrassing ones, and end up with describing your new sunny attitude, perhaps seeing the potential humor of each situation...

Good luck!
:)

Undergraduate / Common app Activities short essay - the International Congress on AIDS [8]

I was dealing with theregistrations of these delegates. During this time I came across the most diverse group of people I have ever met. I was able to meet and speak to these people and learn a little about the lives they led .

Working for ICAAP put me in the midst of people whom I normally would feel very uncomfortable with, but as they were assigned to me I conferred with them and assisted them in any way I could.

Just a coupe tweaks here and there...

:)

Undergraduate / Eating pizza with a pair of chopsticks; culture difference, personal interest [22]

Subconsciously, the mouse pointer along with my hand has already escaped away.

However, as I grew up, my curiosity expanded to many fields until my parents couldn't satisfy my desire to learn any longer. Fortunately, there is Google. If I'm concerned about global warming, interested in the bailout or just want to know how to solve a rubics cube, with only a simple click, I am always able to access any first-hand information from all over the world. I expect college to be a place like this, too.

I quickly linked to "Facebook" -- my favorite website, where I cherish many pictures. Looking at those vivid images , my mind flashes back to memory lane. I remember my first step onto the land of the United States at the age of sixteen, the first time I understood a casual English conversation, the first time I went to a football game, the first time I ran onto the soccer field with friends, the first time I lay on my bed alone with a vein of nostalgia....Those numerous first times traced the footprints of a Chinese boy who left his parent's harbor, started a journey to the other side of the world to pursue his dream.

I click back to background again. This time, in the round headed, black haired, Chinese boy's dark brown eyes , I see the inspired, playful and unique self.

You are a wonderful writer, I really liked how you set it all up. Also, thanks for the good idea for the tea in the coffeemaker!!

:)

Undergraduate / 'I came from a past marked by war and political corruption in my homeland' - UVA supplement essay [3]

My parents, during the Salvadorian civil war, belonged to two opposing political factions, embodying the spirit of Romeo & Juliet within that tumultuous time. My father represented the established government as a soldier in the Salvadoran militia and my mother liked to dabble in clandestine activities with the Farabundo Martí National Liberation Front (FMLN).

My mother reminisces on how she would supply the guerrilla troops stationed in the humid jungle with medical supplies from the hospital she volunteered at. She views the entire war with some romanticism; she thinks it was the epic struggle of the underdog poor against the corrupt bureaucracy. I know that when she was pregnant with me, some of her feistiness and iconoclasm made their way down her umbilical tube and into my own premature body.

In my own life I have engaged in political activism not at my mother's petition, but because I feel an innate obligation to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves . I can see our parallel journeys playing out like a split-screen shot in a movie, she holding makeshift signs protesting the closure of her school half-way through her studies, and me marching along with under-appreciated illegal immigrants in D.C .

Wow, awesome story!

Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / Business Law Essay feedback (Stevens, Wiley & Co) [4]

Yes, these are supposed to be grounded in your course readings. Good luck! It's hard, but it can be fun, too.

Undergraduate / "Why architecture?" essay - Rice [3]

I just make suggestions when I think I have good ideas... I don't see many errors, though!

The 360 degree panorama I took in of Melbourne's Federation Square was the defining moment of my recently-developed craze for the art of architecture. The unusual geometry of the sandstone and metal structure at Federation Square was captivating. From afar, this edifice stuck out like a thorn amongst Victorian-style buildings in Downtown Melbourne. I pondered how rewarding it must be to have your own structure recognized as a tourist destination with people coming from afar just to snap a picture of it.

But Everything changed after spending a week with a local family in Malaysian Borneo.

The world is a very big place, but contributions to society don't have to be on a global scale; if I could just help out this one family, at least I would secure myself a pretty good stepping stone.

Undergraduate / long tiring walk to the restaurant / tried numerous types of sports - which essay should be used? [6]

It was a long, tiring walk to the restaurant from the Port Authority. I finally reached the restaurant and my body quickly adapted to the basement's soothing temperature. I picked up my daily agenda book, dialed the supplier's number, and requested the stock to be filled ASAP. Meanwhile, the stock from K.B. and Brothers arrived. I picked up the sacks of food items and put them in the store room. Then, I went to my head chef and told him that the inventory has been restocked.

As an inventory and supply manager of the restaurant, such is a typical work day for me. Talking to suppliers, arranging for meetings with the owner and negotiating prices comprise my responsibilities . These job requirements have improved strengthened my work-ethics and sense of dedication as I work toward achieving my goals.

Good luck!!!!!!

Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement-I want to change the world! [12]

Sorry, my bad! :)

Undergraduate / Common App: Fundraising consultant, physical therapist and neonatologist [8]

Sounds great!! :)

Undergraduate / Middlebury College Essay ~ on Christmas Eve lol [5]

Looks great! Merry Christmas to you too! (Have you got a good recipe for hot and sour soup?)

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / 'flying was a real challenge' - extracurricular essay - flight training [5]

However, the first few lessons provedto me that flying was a real challenge. I felt disoriented in the cockpit, and my hard work failed to yield any improvements. Even if my flight training progressed one day, it regressed the next.

Overwhelmed by frustration, I attributed my struggle to a lack of talent in mechanics, and wanted to give up. However, after a talk with my host dad, I realized that for seventeen years I had gotten used to easy success. Good grades, art skills, leadership, had all come naturally.

Flying was an excellent opportunity.

Things that come easy to me are simply gentlebreezes, leaving without a trail, but it is only flurries and showers that shape the sturdiesttrees.

Character is defined and developed only through adapting to and overcoming individual challenges. At this stage, in front of me is the entry to a university, and I know this is where I, the total person, will be further shaped; body, mind,and spirit. Aviation showed me a path, and it is university life that will help me continue on this path of personal growth and integrity.

Nice essay, good luck!!

:)

Research Papers / TURKEY AND THE EUROPEAN UNION - research paper [6]

However, these views were fine back then, but as nations evolve, so do the views of their citizens .

However, some government officials state that this clause in the constitution disallows many a Muslim Hijabi girl from attaining an education and it is also clearly an act of violation on the right to personal freedom.

Turkey has a huge unemployed population, a population that is now inundating the labor market, thus having detrimental effects on its economy.

The debate over headscarves started when AKP took power, and hence raises the question: Is the Western media using this debate as a means to cause unwanted bad publicity to Turkey, hence thwarting its bid to join the European Union?

(wow, great question!)

The frustration among young and middle-aged Turks today is anything but visible .

The first sentence in the last paragraph is way too long, maybe you could divide it up into a few shorter sentences.

:)

Undergraduate / My mother's depression - personal academic interests relate to your intellectual goals [2]

Fortunately, her distress eventually got better after one change in her daily routine: consultinga psychiatrist.

However, in my home-country, people who consult psychologists or psychiatrists have been ostracized .

The prejudice that only abnormal people consult psychologist or psychiatrist has been deeply rooted in Korea that anyone who goes to consult one's problem keeps it secret from others.

It has been almost three years that I have studied in America and learned its different culture, and I find myself still strongly interested in psychology. I have been frequently visiting useful websites from which I could grasp some information about human behaviorism. I also did my research paper on abnormal psychology at school and learned that childhood plays an important part in developing a stable mental state.

What I love about psychology is that it focuses on the human mind and tries to find a solution for mental illness that everyone might possess. I want to continue this study not only because I want to help others from their emotional problems but also because of the hope that I could findthe real "me"some day .

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / After-school activity - Role playing [4]

However, things started to change when I joined the drama club on the advice of my friend, and played the role of Aragon, the main character in 'The Lord Of The Rings'.

However I decided to challenge myself and was determined to do the job well. I watched the movie at least five times to learn the behaviors of Aragon and tried to imitate his mood. I tried to look at everything through the eyes of Aragon and imitated his manner and tone to approach 'Aragon'. Not long after, with the persistence of training, my successful performance of Aragon won

I really gained a lot of confidence and I liked the Aragon whom I portrayed , active and courageous.

It seemed that there was an Aragon who lived in my heart.

I became a ambitious young adult who is not afraid of facing challenges.

The most valuable thing I found in role playing was that I became a person whom I appreciate and I want to be.

Aragon is awesome!!!

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Nerd at heart - Why UChicago [4]

In retrospect, this blinding epiphany inspired by Freakonomics, was perhaps more a result of gradual accumulation than sudden change. Research has led me to believe that there's no better place for me to pursue this subject and nature of learning than the University of Chicago, whose economics department is known not merely for theory and methodology, but for an entire Chicagoan school of thought. I have no doubt that I'll find the best quality education from UChicago's top notch faculty and small-sized classes.

However, my education would not be complete without the ability to link knowledge to its practical application.

Community service has always been my passion, and is a major commitment I hope to continue throughout university. The University Community Service Center at the University of Chicago provides a ready information platform to access the myriad of volunteer opportunities presented by Hyde Park and Chicago. Perhaps I might not be able to spend three years living with gangs to collect crime data, but I definitely look forward to making use of Chicago's wealth of urban activity to engage in field research.

I think your ending is just fine, but maybe you should elaborate the part about Norma McCorvey...did she say she was "seeking" to slow the rising crime rate...? This was kind of vague to me.

Good essay!

:)

Undergraduate / Extra curricular essay (helping Thanh in English) [3]

Since then, I was very excited to help him because he not only helped me in my Physics and Chemistry, but also, it was the first time that I was a tutor.

At first I thought it was very simple, but in fact we met a lot of trouble, as we went on .

However, trouble happened when we were doing our revision a week later.

I gave him exercises that I downloaded from the Internet on which we had studied, but then he couldn't do anything.

Consequently, I blamed him for not really being focused on what I had told him.

oops...I just realized that ahpahf723 edited this nicely! I should have looked more closely!!

:)

Undergraduate / Common app Essay: No Need for a Cure [5]

Three years ago, however, I would have refused to admit it because I had not come to terms with who I am.

They laughed, and I desperately wished to melt into the floor.

She dragged me to the cafeteria where they practiced, and sat us down at a lunch table.

They balanced coolly on their hands and transitioned from one move to the other with grace.

"Let's get started," Jhon told us, "we'll teach you 'the turtle' freeze first." Without even pausing, he placed both hands on the floor, kicked his feet up and balanced perfectly in the air for five seconds.

Whatever excitement I had, ended abruptly when gravity a took hold and planted my face straight into the ground.

This was the first time anyone had ever told me I was fine the way I was, and at once I felt foolish for trying to get rid of my clumsiness.

I was not going to let self doubt get the best of me.

You are a very good writer!

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / U of Illinois application essay (the local church worship team in Korea) [3]

At first, I was very reluctant to accept the offer when the team leader asked me to play the flute, since I was not comfortable performing in front of people.

I was very nervous and worried about making mistakes, but my anxiety vanished after a couple of performances and I began to enjoy communication with people through music.

However, being a member of the worship team was not easy. Not only did I have to put lots of effort to prepare for the Sunday worship, but also I had to dedicate my Saturday nights to team practice. Then why did I continue with it?

On the stage, I could not find the shy girl once afraid of making mistakes, but there was a girl who actually enjoyed performing in front of people. In addition, it was quite an amazing experience to hear several distinct voices make a pleasant harmony.

Although I am now in America and I am unable to perform at my Korean church, I am playing flute as a member of a school worship team and having a blessed time. Participating in the worship team has given and is giving me valuable lessons such as the importance of believing in myself and the greatest mistake that I often made was to continuously fear making one.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Too Boring?! [7]

Flitting from room to room, I bumped into famous Chinese professors with translators by their sides , students who directed me to the nearest bathroom in that curious jargon, and custodians with humble bows and crinkles in the corner of their eyes.

Sitting in the audience, I could sense her apprehension and her desire to perform well, because I had experienced the same anxiety during my own violin performances.

After the swell of applause faded, I sat down amidst friends and the rest of the audience, and was tapped on the shoulder.

Nice essay!!

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay. (Not titled yet) [5]

Homecan be a place of tranquility or chaos, but it should be the person's choice, regardless of where the home stands.

Our homes need windows that reflect sound waves to machines that harvest the waves to generate energy, or maybe I could make roads made of tree roots that extend for miles so more trees could be planted and the demand for a "greener" environment could be satisfied.

So I am sure that the environment presented at the College of Engineering is optimal for me.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Why CMU essay - Computer Science School [4]

Carnegie Mellon University has held a particular fascination for me in my quest to find the right college, because it cultivates a passion for learning, while encouraging its students to pursue their varied interests.

What you get as a result, is invaluable academic rigor in a rich campus environment.

Of the multitude of programs offered at Carnegie Mellon, the School of Computer Science has caught my interest.

The closer I got to Computer Science, the more my passion grew towards it.

The algorithmic nature of Computer Science makes it quite simply, a beautiful field of study.

Hope this is helpful! Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Why U of C Essay [3]

"So, where do you want to go to college?" A simple question that has become a reoccurring theme over the past couple of months; despite the numerous questioners, my answer has always been consistent. Selecting a college to attend is an adventure all on its own, but since the beginning of my search, I have always been intrigued by the prospect of attending the University of Chicago.

The environment at University of Chicago is incomparable to other schools. I take pride in having attended the most diverse high school in Seattle.

During my years at Chicago, I hope to go beyond just receiving an education. In a facility where education is highly valued, and intellectual thoughts prosper, I will be able to thrive and make my mark in this world, contribute to society, and make a difference.

Nice!

:)

Undergraduate / UPenn Supplement (academic programs!) [2]

To me, it's fascinating how the beautiful syllables of the word "UPenn" truly reflect the characteristics of the University of Pennsylvania .

Even the International Baccalaureate Diploma Program that I do at my high school was once very challenging to me, until I adapted to the rigors of the program .

From being the chairman of my high school's yearbook committee to organist, accompanist of my high school's chamber orchestra, active community involvement has been the epitome of my high school life.

Philadelphia also seems to be the right destination for me because I will be able to satisfy my wish and go to Wachovia Center during the weekend to watch the games.

Undergraduate / I am very eager to strengthen my role as a global citizen - qualities of Northwestern [5]

With a career in the health field being my professional goal, I realize the necessity of obtaining the difficult knowledge to reach that goal.

I also plan on taking advantage of the Academic Advising Center and the University Career Services, which would provide me the necessary information and experience that will pave my way to success.

I hope to obtain a solid, well-rounded education at Northwestern University. I admire the concept of learning for the sake of learning .

Mr. Jenkins mentioned the diverse fields of study that Northwestern's students can partake of as part of their curriculum.

Being part of a magnificent community will bring out the magnificence of an individual. As an institution with stellar education and a sense of a grandeur community, Northwestern University stands out as the college that best suits my interests. The programs offered by Northwestern's Biological Science Department would help me develop a solid path to success in life.

Nice essay!

:)

Undergraduate / Global warming. Stanford essay. Solution? 'Working together as a society' [4]

We may drive our cars to a store four blocks away or go to another city, but the distance that we drive no matter how far it is, affects global warming in a small way.

We may have some opportunities to help reduce gas emissions, such as by using hybrid cars, but what about the cost? Not many families can afford a hybrid car, and therefore cannot do their part in helping lessen global warming.

Although severe climate changes occur over a long period of time, we still need to take action to better the future. If we do not do something today, future generations are going to have to deal with even greater effects of global warming.

There are several ways to reduce the effects of global warming, from using hybrid cars to using less electricity; we only need to make them available to everyone.

they are only going to change when they are in the midst of a crisis.

:)
Kevin

Undergraduate / Why Bates supplement any suggestion and comment is welcomed [4]

I think you answered the question nicely!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Academically and Athletically' Trinity College essay help [2]

I would make the last two sentences into their own paragraph, that would wrap up your ending nicely!

Good essay!

:)

Undergraduate / UPENN page 217 of a 300 page biography [4]

Somebody else has asked this question in the past. The truth is, they probably expect you to be talking about the future. if they meant the past, they would have specified that. This is to see what your plans for the future are.

Undergraduate / UPenn required supplement length? [6]

A little short is okay, but try to get as close to the number they specify as possible. It's a challenge that gives you an opportunity to show how smart you are!

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay: "I am.... born in India" [3]

Here is a way to avoid using "with" two times in the same sentence:

During the festival of Diwali, I would happily run around among other kids and play with the firecrackers that lined the streets. I learned to love even all these little things in life, and the town of Chennai gradually became my one and only home.

...but that is no big deal...

Then Here in Cary, I gained leadership qualities by organizing Key Club projects and leading volunteers through various events.

You are a great writer, and after the interesting way you grew up you must have a totally unique contribution to make. Good luck in all your work!!

Undergraduate / 'special interest clubs and organizations' - Pitzer Supplement Essay [9]

The workers that my aunt hired were always interesting, because my aunt hired workers based on their needs, rather than their resumes. Every worker I met had his own interesting story to tell about why he was in America working at the bakery. The store was filled with unique perspectives, including those of a Venezuelan teacher, a Cambodian doctor, a Mexican songwriter, and a Korean attorney. Every worker at the bakery told me about his profession, and as a curious and open child, I could not help want a slice of every cake (no pun intended).

They gave me a thirst for knowledge in every aspect, because the worker's backgrounds and professions were explained so vividly.

I was further affected by these humble workers from the bakery because I saw the gratefulness each one had for my aunt. Because they could not practice their professions in the United States, where their licenses were not valid, they each held a large amount of respect for my aunt who would easily take a stranger in.

Whether I want to become a teacher, a doctor, a songwriter, or an attorney, I know that Pitzer's renowned liberal arts program would create the perfect foundation for whichever career path I choose.

Cute last sentence:)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'the person I envisioned' - UT Austin-Someone who has impacted your life. [3]

I was one of these .

It was a hot day, as usual, on a particular Friday afternoon. Knowing that the weekend, a period of peace and tranquility between the endless hours of school and homework awaited me however, and thoughts of sleeping in quickly overrode the humid, baking weather.

When I finally opened the door, it was too late; they had managed to squeeze through the broken window through which they had entered.

I took advanced courses at school to challenge myself, and joined a few clubs to help the community. I became much more social and interacted with others, rather than remaining quiet while listening to else.

Since then, while not quite yet becoming the person I envision, I do know that I have made quite a bit of progress and have changed considerably, even though it may not appear evident to others: words no longer have as much of a grasp on me. I am now more inclined to input my own opinion on any matter, rather than simply agreeing. Though I do feel a bit of hatred towards those kids, I honestly want to thank them. They not only broadened my perspectives, but they have also made me keenly aware of my flaws. I see clearly now that I will not be able to succeed in life unless I have the will and confidence to keep a firm grasp on my goals.

Good luck!!

:)

Undergraduate / Common short essay: Summary of activity, all comments are welcomed [8]

I taught my students Everyday English, which was not an easy task. Most of the students were very shy about speaking English because of their accents .

I gradually understood the power of praise.

Hope this helps!

:)

Undergraduate / 'political science and Obama's field office' - Cornell- college of arts and sciences [3]

When I was little, I would pride myself on solving math puzzles in a book, and understanding mathematical concepts in the classroom before most of the other students. But as I have grown, my interests have changed and my interest in studying mathematics at a university has diminished. In middle school, I was driven to become an architect, so much so that I decided to attend a six week summer architecture program at Carnegie Mellon University.

I showed up at the office one weekend right before the election, not knowing what to expect. As I walked in, I was greeted by a man and a woman who were running around; organizing pamphlets and telling other people what to do. They quickly tended to me and told me that they needed someone to do "calling sheets".

Although my role in the campaign was minuscule in comparison with the candidate's, I felt that I did something, and that through some higher learning and more political interests I could accomplish great things.

Very cool...I love Obama!!!!

Good luck!

:)