Undergraduate / 'Middle School Cross Country / Sisters bed / 2-D art' - 3 essays [6]

I relish the burning in my legs as I race towards the finish line and ahead at the next competitor, never looking back at the one I just passed. I don't have time to look around at the trees, some just a few years old and others ancient . I don't have time to dwell on the fallen leaves covering the ground to the side of the dirt path, creating a rainbow to blanket the ground in deep reds, fading greens, and darkening browns. As I run I don't notice the shadow mimicking my every move nor do I notice the shapes of the shadows that I leave in clouds of dust raised just seconds before by the steady fall of my feet. As John Stilgoe says, "Outside lies Magic" and in my life this stands true.

You can eliminate unnecessary phrases that do not add to the essay, like "In my life the time that," below:

In my life the time that I feel most relaxed is when I am outdoors, and for me to be able to have a retreat from the tension and stress of my house and school, is magic.

Just write:
I feel most relaxed is when I am outdoors, and for me to be able to have a retreat from the tension and stress of my house and school, is magic.

Wow, I remember high school cross country. That's how I learned to write. When you have been running for over an hour, it is like deep meditation; do you get into a profound state of mind when you run?

Good luck with this!!

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay- Free Response [5]

Perhaps for this line you intended to write: Although many of my ideas do stray from mainstream thinking, I am proud to say that they come from within.

Did you mean to write "do" or "do not?"

Writing Feedback / distance learning and online computer classes should replace classroom lear [2]

Well, in your work there were a lot of mistakes. It's the way you think that is excellent!

Undergraduate / A Wake-up Call- Common App essay [6]

How about:

The ten hour ride there never seemed to end.

Wow, beautiful essay. Nice job, my friend...

Undergraduate / GMU essay, freshman applicant [8]

It might be better to write:

I began to develop meaningful friendships with them after...

Undergraduate / 'Cape Cod Sea Camps' - Summer Camp Essay [7]

It was more than determination to win the race; it was determination to become someone to look up to.

My campers, especially Alex, drove me to be the best I could be -- for them, and also for myself.

Grammar, Usage / sentence structure question [13]

I can't believe I neglected to mention these earlier:

Stephen King's On Writing
and Strunk and White's Elements of Style

Undergraduate / 'Seriously interested in business from a very young age' - CALS - Cornell Essay [6]

Yes, that is a tough challenge... write something that stands out and is not superficial, you need to say something quite unique and interesting. "Third culture kid" is quite a colorful term, and one that not everyone has heard, I think. Your essay is distinctive in many ways, but if you look at it every morning for a few days you might come up with some lines that feel right to you. You might come up with an extension of the thoughts you expressed here... something that makes the essay perfect!

Undergraduate / UPenn Ess.; name professor you would like to study with / 300-page autobiography [4]

His expertise is in the area of management in relationship to technology .

His insightful articles and research have led me to seek knowledge and understanding from him.

His article, "Managing Technology as a Strategic Asset" from International Journal of Technology Management, illustrates the exact blend of my interest.

One aspect which I myself would be eager to research under him is the role of technology and the best way to manage it in the global and international business worlds.

-----------------

A barricade had been erected in front of us.

I was still perplexed by the their happy and confident countenance.

It had been most shocking to me in my earlier visit.

Not only were they strong souls, but very accomplished ones at that.

Nice!

:)

Undergraduate / "I have always been interested in dance" - Common App Essay [3]

My final performance was to show the different cultures that blend to make me.

I am Indian but I have lived in Hungary and have been to American and British international schools.

I really like your essay! Good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / "Experience of Cultural Difference" essay (pls. help revise, thanks) [2]

For family reasons, I have visited New Zealand on many occasions, and have savored a distinctive cultural atmosphere.

Gradually I got used to the class, and greatly improved.

I was quite frustrated by this but later I learned that this was one of the cultural differences.

In China, whenever a friend asks for help, we offer our hands immediately no matter how important or trivial.

In my opinion, this kind of "moderate help" does contribute to personal development and prevents over-reliance.

Hope this has helped!
:)

Undergraduate / University of Wisconsin essays [3]

Among all of my qualities and talents, I feel that diligence, responsibility and perseverance are the most important qualities.They provide me with an opportunity to develop myself into a person that is highly motivated and eager to participate in new tasks and challenges.

Thus, when I entered junior college two years ago, I decided to take up economics as one of my subjects to build up the fundamentals and prepare myself for college courses.

However, as this subject was one which I had never taken before, there was a long time in which I struggled with my economics classes.

Great last paragraph!
Good luck.

:)

Undergraduate / "I have less than superb stats" - my common app essay, need advice! [5]

I chuckled to myself and tip-toed back into my room, hoping for a good night's sleep.

I like this: I felt like I had just been mauled by the Sarcasm Express. :)

XXX was not just another researcher in a lab trying to find the reason behind the impossibility, but an aspiring psychologist willing to face the impossible.

I like the whole first paragraph, but seeing you need to shorten this, the easiest way might be to start from the second paragraph. You'd only need to change the first sentence!

:)

Writing Feedback / notre dame essay! - look through and give any suggestions [3]

I was born in India and lived there for 8 years and then moved to Indonesia, Jakarta, where I studied in an International School.This was followed by our migration to Singapore.

The high level of social interaction demands a convincing and yet confident speaker who will be able to present his or her firm impressively to their client. Hence, to begin my development as a speaker, I joined the debating club and participated in a few competitions and also won the championship for the community club debate. As I moved on to my 11th and 12th grades, I was invited to join the gavel club which is affiliated with the international toastmasters' club.

To sum up, I feel that my public speaking skills can not only serve me, but also Notre Dame by aiding the expansion of the horizons of the service the college provides and by broadening the scope of activities available.

Great last sentence!

:)

Undergraduate / GMU essay, freshman applicant [8]

Because of my lack of language skills, it was hard for me to make friends and socialize with others.

One day, I had a chance to play the piano in a big community center for seniors who were suffering from poverty or disability.

Because I was bashful and unconcerned, I did not practice or prepare for them.

Many people even came up to me and said, "Thank you for your wonderful performance.

I became a pretty good friends with them after playing there for few months.

They gave me not only confidence, but also a sense of responsibility

Playing piano for them was not just typical volunteer work for me.

It was somewhat of a life changing experience, because once a shy and indifferent individual, I now became a confident and responsible man.

I liked your ending.:)

Grammar, Usage / sentence structure question [13]

mahalo.com/How_to_Improve_Your_Writing - 63k

dumblittleman.com/2006/12/40-tips-to-improve-your-grammar-an d.html - 37k -

I liked these sites. Good luck!

:)
Kevin

Essays / philosophers and their effect on society, essay for my final assignment [2]

Hi, great essay. Just a few small suggestions:

The main goal of philosophers is to obtain truth.

In order to do so, they must acknowledge all aspects of each question. Logic, for example, is one way to discover truth.

Philosophers, like Aristotle, define the ideal political system as one that meets the needs of society as a whole.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Michigan Ann Arbor "issue of local concern" [10]

Awesome first sentence:

My heart racing, my teeth chattering, I place the cursor on 'submit' and hesitantly click.

Remember the blackout in New York several years ago?

However, as the saying goes, "Behind every dark cloud is a silver lining." This dark cloud provides a livelihood to poor candle makers and other individuals that earn their income from selling generators.

I really enjoyed reading your essay, it was very interesting and informative. Also, nice ending!:)

Writing Feedback / "The Healthy Americans Act" - essay [3]

Fundamental to this act is the notion that every American should be...

Wellness programs are also an integral part of the act, and they serve as a cost-containment measure.

This act recognizes the importance of improving the healthcare delivery system.

This act not only focuses on the provision of healthcare for the infirmed, but also utilizes the notion that ...

Just those few errors; great job with this!

Undergraduate / Michigan essays (issue of local concern) [4]

"Amidst" means "among," so don't use it there in the opening sentence.

I was standing in a place that depicted...

Put punctuation, like periods and commas, inside quotation marks:

The man accompanying him explained the local dialect, "He was thrown out of school. They were beating him for not telling them about him."

After seeing my relative being hurt in the horrifying bomb attacks on Mumbai trains in 2006, images were stuck in my head -- images of men with white and red checks scarves around their neck, white cloth covering their head, thick layers of black khol outlining tiny eyes, in traditional long white costumes holding guns, and the training in terrorist camps from videos shown on the news.

Good luck with this essay! Thanks for joining. Please use your excellent writing knowledge to help a few other members!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Question regarding Uni of Virginia supplement essay [9]

At first glimpse, I thought this was just another image of two people. However , as I walked closer and looked into the picture again, I was surprised to find myself looking at a white vase on a black background.

(above) this is just my suggestion; your way, with the semi-colon, was okay too!

However, I came to understand the need for us to look beyond the surface and not be misled by what our eyes see. Indeed, ideas behind optical illusion question man's visual representation of the world around him -- and his perception of reality.

Okay, and about expanding it for the other part of the prompt: I think it is a great idea, as long as the two essays are going to different schools. You can expand it, and I would also recommend looking very closely at every sentence of their very detailed prompt:

Write an essay that explains why you've been intrigued by an idea, concept, or theory you have encountered.

This idea can come from either a traditional academic discipline - such as history, science, philosophy, or mathematics - or from fields such as film, engineering, art, or politics.

We are looking for evidence of your specific, first- hand response to an idea or theory.

Your essay should identify and explain if you have a personal, unique, or notable relation to it.

Then, analyze the concept with as much detail and depth as possible, explaining how your engagement with this idea changed or broadened your thinking.

So, you have a lot of work to do in making it fit the prompt!! I can't wait to see it.

:)

Kevin

Writing Feedback / it is better to marry someone who is similar to you - essay [3]

Some of us you will decide that the best person to marry is someone that can serve as our "second half." I would prefer to marry a person who is similar to me, and here some ideas to support to my viewpoint.

Firstly, it is best to find someone similar because there will not be any misunderstanding in relationship between me and my husband. As everybody knows, understanding is the main consideration in any relationship; therefore misunderstanding often finishes with divorce. For example, my sister was married to person who has no similarity to her, at the beginning she liked it, she told that it is good, because everyday of their marriage they will discover something in each other and that their marriage will not routine. After their son was born they had many problems with his behavior, because each of them counted that the way that he or she bringing their boy is the best.

Secondly, I will always know what my husband will probably do. To many people this addition seems rather disadvantageous , but in my viewpoint it is the main advantage in any relationships. If I returned to the example in previous passage, I would say that when each of us knows what other is going to do there is more chance to get to compromise. It is useful not only in our personal life, but also in daily life and in growing our children.

In conclusion, if you know that your "second half" is similar to you, you will know all your life what he or she will probably do, and there is not stressful mystery in your relation ship -- so it will be best, in consideration of your long happy marriage with as few problems as possible.

Okay, keep practicing! You have some important wisdom, so keep working on your writing skill in order to share it! Good job.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'Route 151' is an important part of me - University of Chicago essay [5]

I was going to mention that I really like some of the phrases in this last sentence:

I perceive this road, which others may think mundane, as something almost magical and hyperphysical, because it not only connects one place to another, but also links together many of my thoughts, emotions and experiences.

I added some words to make it a little better.

:)

Undergraduate / 'Seriously interested in business from a very young age' - CALS - Cornell Essay [6]

With Ivy league status, forty noble laureates, pioneers in many fields of study, and number one ranking in numerous studies, why would Cornell not be the first choice of any young and aspiring student? However, these are all very superficial reasons reasons for any application. The mechanisms that underlie Cornell's superior ranking and status is what make the significant difference.

he double major program also interests me, because I am keen on learning computer science. Technology is greatly developing, and I foresee it becoming increasingly integrated and effectual in business. It will provide mor e productive and efficient methods that may help in the future.

CASL will help me become a leader by giving me the ability to communicate and work together among international students to help solve global problems and issues through the education I will receive in applied economics and management collaborated with computer science.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / BU essays (School of Management) [7]

My actual interest in business stemmed from a much younger age. I still remember climbing on to my father's massive chair (or, at least, it seemed massive then) and imitating him - writing on paper and talking on the phone. I spent most of my childhood in my father's office. I loved playing in the building and helping out - which honestly made me feel very proud and important. As the time went on, my childish admiration for my father grew into a more mature one as my interest in his business grew. My father actively cultivated my interest - answering questions and teaching me from his experience. He continues to involve me in many of his activities and to avidly seek my opinions - which he surprisingly finds very useful - in his ventures.

The scorching sun beat down on my head, and the air-conditioned car did not keep me safe from the intense heat that was causing my head to throb. I was just contemplating my misery when we stopped at a traffic light. I looked to my left on the dirty pavement. There sat a little boy, seemingly impervious to the heat. He was scratching away diligently on a small slate with a chalk. He was completely engrossed in his sums and letters. My worries seemed minuscule compared to him. I realized the battle that was concurring right in front of me.

It is also, as George Washington Carver says, the "key to unlock the golden door of freedom." With all the facilities that are available why should I not fight and strive for excellence.

Good luck at BU!!!!!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Volunteering (a short extracurricular activity essay) [3]

That is god advice from kikozang! I'll help, too:

I volunteered my time over the summer when I had a chance to help landscape a newly built house through Habitat for Humanity with my church's youth group. When we got there, there was a brand new house that was built but the area around the house looked uninviting and sloppy. Our job was to help take out all the big rocks around the house so that they could plant grass. When we started doing this, we saw how hard it actually was. After about two hours of removing large rocks from around the house, we started to dig a hole in which we would later plant a tree. Through this I learned how important it is to help the community. Without my help or the help of my youth group, the workers would have a much harder time finishing the house, delaying the arrival of a family that really needs a place to live. I also learned something important about working with others: even the simplest tasks could seem hard unless you have others to help you, but in the presence of friends the most daunting tasks become enjoyable.

Undergraduate / "Unpatriotic" MIT Essay; Describe the process through which you discovered value in the negative. [10]

The alarm clock rang, but I had been awake. I didn't dare to open my eyes, to discover that everything was not just a nightmare. I pulled my blanket over my head (no need for a comma here) in a vain attempt to escape the reality.

My story didn't end here. On May 12th, 2008, a disastrous earthquake shook Sichuan, China. I determined to do something for my countrymen. After a month's hard work, I eventually raised nearly 4,000 dollars. Last summer, I visited the affected area and gave the donations to an elementary school in need. When the dean of my school learned about my fundraising efforts, he apologized to me. Nevertheless, I know for sure that I had been wrong to disrupt the ceremony at his school. Now, I stand upright and silently in every flag-raising ceremony, not only for my country but also for the people around me.

This essay is incredible! I am impressed.. I guess you have to cut off the last paragraph, or combine it with the one that precedes it, in order to accommodate the word limit. I was very interested right from the start.

BTW, it was not your fault you walked in on a ceremony accidentally!!

:)

Writing Feedback / Multilateral Aid is like water; it can float a boat but it can also sink a boat. [5]

No, I didn't think you were being rude! Words are a difficult means of communication..

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Tennis: On and Off the Court (an extracurricular activity essay) [8]

This advice about the tense... it really is okay either way, but generally it is better quality if you keep the tense specific. I like to add IMMEDIACY to my writing by writing everything in the present tense.

For this essay, I think it would be best to show them that you understand about tense consistency by changing that sentence to the past tense.

Overall quality is great!!!

Grammar, Usage / Writing terminology [3]

In your coursework, you will probably study the discourse community called the "public sphere," which is the biggest discourse community them all! Also, EssayForum can be considered a discourse community.

Great question.

Essays / How I contribute to Diversity? - scholarship essay; How do I begin this essay? [5]

Great, I would add to this advice by saying that "contributing to diversity" means something like "adding to the interestingness" of the campus environment... and it implies cultural issues.

One might respond to this essay by writing about his or her experiences with culture (your own culture or other cultures!)...

I personally would use the words "contribute," "diverse," "diversity," and "culture" in order to show that I understand the prompt.

Graduate / 'My research work' - Help: sop in EE major [4]

Well, I am wondering what unique interests you have, even deeper than the field you are trying to get into. What makes you unique among people studying the same subject. I hope it might help you to think of it that way...

:)
Kevin

Undergraduate / 'Football player with good grades' - Common App short answer- extracurricular [6]

This is good. You can add one more sentence to connect it all to your plans for the school to which you are applying...

Undergraduate / "moved from New York to Bangalore" - Rutgers Undergraduate Admission Essay [5]

I moved from New York to Bangalore, India during the summer of 2004. The reasons included personal familial issues, one of which involved my dad's job.

Throughout my four years, my school and my parents gave me the opportunity to visit to many other Indian cities.

My four years in India went by quickly.

Rutgers gives me the platform to do this, because the students come from many cultural, social and economic backgrounds that gives me the chance to provide my subjective experiences and at the same time to hear those of others. I believe that I can add to the diversity of the Rutgers student body while playing my role as a part of your fine institution.

Essays / The portrayal of women and race issues in the Mozambican Colonial War [2]

You are getting mixed up because of the ways people use various words in writing papers... it's going to be okay!

Here is a topic/theme:

the portrayal of women and race issues in the Mozambican Colonial War

First of all, the portrayal of women by who? Here is a good title

African Women's Writing:
Their portrayal of women and race issues during the Mozambican Colonial War

Now, for the specific research question, here is what to do:
Find a couple of books and articles that you'll write about,(or if you are using a course text book, find a few sections of it that you'll write about,and see what specific questions are answered.

for example:

What was the effect of the war on gender roles?
What changes took place during the war with regard to racial issues?
How did African women perceive themselves in relation to [some other group] during the war?

Undergraduate / Song choice on a talent show; a roommate who needs to know you; NYU and Stanford supplemental essays [8]

"You're so different compared with yourself five years ago. You've begun to see things in different perspectives and make decisions with insight. And I can no longer stop you from stretching your wings." This is what my mother said to me after we revisited...

For the one about the talent show, you will be saying enough if you let your personality and way of thinking show through. It is a way to show your personality.

Given the chance, I would like to initiate a club at NYU to focus specially on protecting minority rights. The club should be inclusive of all people , regardless where they come from or who they are. This idea is not a new one, but it is one that has yet to be sufficiently enacted.

Writing Feedback / Multilateral Aid is like water; it can float a boat but it can also sink a boat. [5]

Hi zowzow, you have a cool username. This essay is not for a college application; probably for a class. Is that right, rice?

Here is some help:

Multilateral aid is run by international organizations such as the World Bank and "United Nations (UN) and is given from a contributing country to a developing country. Many governments distribute money, food and water, building pipelines and homes to countries that really need help."why the quote mark here? It has provided a lot of effective ways to solve the problem of poverty and develop the world. Although it helps many countries, it is necessary to know more about the negative aspects of multilateral aid, like the aid agencies donate money to the poor countries and operating through bad governments, it might not reach the person who needs the money. However, it there is also some merit to the argument that strong countries, such as U.S and British, want to control of the small countries through multilateral aid, "especially United States, it hopes to intervene others politics and culture using its economic and military strength through multilateral aid" (cite a source) . Otherwise, multilateral aid is a good way to develop the world.

Multilateral agencies provide both humanitarian and development aid to the countries that lack money.

China is growing, its status in the world is getting higher, and one day it will surpass the United States; the United States does not want that to happen.

When the what does this mean?--->(visitations of Providence appear in some countries, this country can get the real multilateral aids from the entire worl d -- just like in the case of the earthquake in Si Chuan, China.

Great points in the essay, mostly clear writing!

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - General Feedback "My first intuition with this essay..." [3]

Beautiful essay, you are a great writer.

Here are some ideas:

I am the girl who overcame adversity and hardship because she saw something better in her life, for herself. I saw what I am capable of and that I will ultimately be a better person because of what happened with my mom. She has influenced me in an inexplicable fashion, and it is worth a lifetime of wisdom. College is my chance, to further expand that wisdom, to prove that it is what we do that makes us who we are, not the other way around.

Writing Feedback / "A Heart's Ruin" - Romeo and Juliet Essay [3]

Here are some ideas:

Most characters play major roles in the tragedy, but Romeo presents the greatest evidence that he is the most important, because of the tragic events that befall him. With his unlucky timing and decision-making, and his weakness for beauty, he causes many to lament over the deceased. If one's mind is not set straight, use it not. If you are under a cloud of love and deceit, let things be and analyze what you must do next. Do not be like Romeo, acting on impulse, but instead live moderately. Long life doth so.

Undergraduate / "Lehigh seeks to encourage a campus environment" help, Supplement Essay [3]

That is great advice... a story about having come to appreciate those values is a good idea.

Also, you should perhaps focus a paragraph on each of those values.

Now, you might have a problem here, with what you wrote:

Lehigh seeks to encourage a campus environment because it contains multicultural student and that leads Lehigh to make student experiencing the similarities and differences...

This sounds lie you misunderstood "campus environment." What Lehigh is doing is making sure the campus environment has these qualities demonstrated by its students:

understanding, appreciation, and respect. Write a paragraph about each of the three.

Good luck!!!

Kevin