Undergraduate / "I have balanced these values" - FSU Undergraduate Admission Essay [6]

THESE ARE GREAT PEER REVIEWS!! Thank you all for contributing so sincerely to other people's processes. You are all great!

Graduate / HELP with SOP Proofread:Master Degree Application [7]

Well, there is a limit to how much time I can spend with it, but naturally there is no limit to how much you can improve it. For example, if you come up with rhythmic sentences that say a lot without needing to use too many words... and if you eliminate unnecessary words... you can continue to polish this.

If you want to improve it even more, add another intro paragraph to the beginning -- add it by trying to say the most important points in the whole essay. That way, the reader will know what they are about to read, and they will know the most important truths that you are about to convey.

If you decide to add to this essay, let me see it so I can help! However, if you leave it as it is, I think you will be received very well, because this essay reflects your seriousness.

Undergraduate / "I have balanced these values" - FSU Undergraduate Admission Essay [6]

I personally have faith that I will not waver in my convictions, and that I will stick to my morals even in difficult situations.

Values are what define a person. The Latin words "Vires, Artes, Mores" stands for the values that Florida State University holds. I believe that I have balanced these values within my life, and I hope to strengthen them even more as a student at Florida State University.

Scholarship / Major in either psychology or Pre-Medicine; VCU Scholarship- educational goals [2]

My primary educational goal is to exceed standards while majoring in ...

I currently study Psychology in high school, and it is a very interesting option for a career field in that I can help patients that could otherwise not perform basic life functions such as develop socially.

(Take out "as I have mentioned previously") My tenure there has made me really interested in Pre-Medicine.

After one year as an undergraduate student, I can make my decision about either continuing to pursue my goal of being a psychologist or pursue my dream of being a physician because I would have already taken classes for both fields of study.

Graduate / HELP with SOP Proofread:Master Degree Application [7]

To make a meaningful contribution, and to retain my vital sense of curiosity, it is crucial for me to complete my graduate studies at an institution that is as dynamic and multifaceted as Tulsa University. For as long as I can remember, the Earth sciences always fascinated me. A crucial impact was made on my career path choice comes from the fact that I was born in Azerbaijan, one of the birthplaces of petroleum industry.

One of the research collaborations with which I am currently involved is an optimization of WAG wells by avoidance of high velocity effects for better sweep efficiency.

While a sophomore at the Azerbaijan State Oil Academy, I received a fellowship from the US Department of State to study Environmental Management of Petroleum Production Systems at University of Arkansas Fayetteville, Arkansas.

My long-term professional goals are certainly oriented towards employment within academia or a research unit of oil industry. Therefore, my primary aim in Master of Science program is to gain advanced knowledge about the field, master the art of independent research and eventually continue in Doctoral program.

Writing Feedback / Studying in a particular field should be step by step. Research, knowledge and practice is enough [2]

I AGREE with you!! The whole world is becoming specialized...

As students majoring in mass media, we will learn in basic programs and also practical courses. All of us need to take fundamental programs, and then turn to pragmatic applications.

Secondly, specializing in a major subject is a suitable way for students who want to achieve their goals .

In the long term, students will have become absorbed in their fields by taking the courses in a school and also putting their knowledge into practice.

Consequently, they may not have much free time to take other general courses.

For the above reasons, I believe that it is better for universities to require their students to specialize in one subject rather than many subjects.

Undergraduate / 'From the poor slums of Mumbai to America' - Brown application... [6]

Since I was about four years old, I have been intrigued by doctors and have always wondered, "What do I have to do to become such a great person?" I used to often visit my uncle, who is a radiologist at a hospital, and every time I visited him someone would be thanking him.

After my mother's death, my family's economic status started dropping. We never had a lot of money to begin with, but we had enough to survive. Still , at that time, we were all suffering. There was no time for me to be selfish and demand books so I could study and become a doctor.

I think you should add a sentence to the beginning.. a sentence that clearly names the academic experience that you are going to describe. You can use this essay for it, but tie the story in with an ACADEMIC experience.

Undergraduate / Abercrombie Experience- Job Experience for College App. [5]

I applied to Abercrombie & Fitch, and this job made me responsible, independent and mature. I worked five-hour shifts, four days per week while completing my senior year. This job gave me the opportunity to look at the world as college students. I was ready to apply for credit cards, get my drivers license and become independent so that I would have an experience of what was ahead of me. Very few students around me had the opportunity to experience this; their parents spoiled most of them. My job gave me the mentality to be around a diverse community to work together and also made me independent.

Great job! I hope you do well in school. Incidentally, I would recommend not applying for credit cards!!! (They are dangerous and evil)

Undergraduate / Lehigh University Supplements; why did you decide for Lehigh? It suits my needs. [5]

A successful university campus is one that leads its students to new experience--one with a diverse campus community that allows students an opportunity to seek differences and similarities where identity is exchanged.

This experience has enabled me to become successful by learning from others and converting this into a supportive community.

These values reflect what a prestigious university contains.

Lehigh offers a first rate education, but it also drives students to seek their goals. I chose to apply to Lehigh for several reasons, including : remarkable academics, professor to student ratio, and Lehigh's renowned engineering program.

Undergraduate / Absent parents / Taekwondo - I cant decide which essay to use for my common app essay... [10]

You have to choose one with your intuition, I guess. The essay you choose may have consequences that reach far into your future! Perhaps you could combine them, incorporating the best parts of both into a single essay.

Undergraduate / Commonapp personal essay--not enough "me"? [8]

With a look naked of all pretense , her watery eyes seemed so fragile and innocent; however, they plunged into my heart like a sharp-edged sword.

Wow, I love the final sentences, too... This whole essay is excellent.

Undergraduate / 'I am the youngest of two.' - College Essay Rough Draft, someone influencial. [2]

Great essay! Here is some help:

I am the younger of two siblings.
That's how I grew up, playing games like kickball and basketball during recess in elementary school, then having bloody knuckles and ...

By the end of that summer alone, I had read Pride and Prejudice twice.
First, I realized that the morals and codes that ...
Second, I realized that humbleness is a key part ...

Book Reports / What is a book that has inspired you? (Pourquoi) [7]

Well, I remember being pretty impressed with this when I read it yesterday. I think you should feel confident about it.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay- "Waiting" [5]

Great essay! There is little room for improvement, but here is one idea:

Submerged in the cheers of the audience, I knew that the wait had been worthwhile; I knew that, as long as I kept my faith and conviction, I could overcome dismal obstacles and accomplish that for which my heart yearned.

Undergraduate / Macaulay admission essay proofreading [2]

One of the activities that I pursue is a process of learning Chinese at New York Chinese School (NYCS). At NYCS, I am not only a student, but I am also a part of the New York Chinese School Patrol (NYCSP).

I had 30 patrolmen and 2 team leaders that day; I divided everyone into groups of 3, and told all of them to look for Mei.

WOW, congratulations for your accomplishment with Mei!! You are a hero.

For formal writing, instead of typing numerals (3, 2, etc.) write the number as a word: two.

Undergraduate / Uf essay "Describe a meaningful event" - 'I had changed someone's life' [6]

Sweat from hard work streamed down my skin and heat beat down on my neck, and as I looked up my eyes linked onto those of the sweetest, heartfelt, man: Doug.

...searching the road ahead for a clue as to what the journey would hold .

All I could see were the weak white walls of the trailer,...

I became a new person because of Doug's eyes; I became stronger in mind and heart.

Undergraduate / supplement for how will this college prepare you for your goals [2]

...because I am aware that it possesses a long history of and reputation for high-caliber, rigorous teaching and learning.

Additionally , the undergraduates at this school who apply to medical school have high chances of being accepted. Keeping this in mind, I am certain that _________________ will prepare me exceptionally well and help me to become a strong candidate for medical school. I appreciate the opportunity to be considered for your school. I look forward to your admission decision. Thank you for your time and attention.

Excellent, the ending is fantastic.

Essays / International Relations essay introduction [5]

I guess it depends on the grading criteria for the essay. What is the name of the class? Choose a show that will enable you to fulfill the requirements well. Use the requirements (grading criteria) to guide you.

:)

Undergraduate / UR supplement: what you'll contribute - 'utilize the research opportunities' [3]

You can take out the word "specifically," because it is unnecessary. Fewer words means more power.

I found that research entails critical thinking and problem solving skills, and also that it helps the researcher to understand complex issues. With my inclination for scientific inquiry and great appreciation for independent research, I am confident that I will utilize the research opportunities at Rochester to their fullest potential.

Undergraduate / 'e-mail conversations with a student' - university of rochester supplement [4]

Many factors shape my rationale for choosing the University of Rochester. Through my e-mail conversations with student Chris Biersanski, I learned that every student, regardless of his or her chosen major, is encouraged to participate in some form of research.

Excellent! Two email correspondences and a mention of diversity. Perhaps you can end with a fact about the diversity, like this:

Lastly, Rochester's diversity will help to enrich my college experience: XX% of students are from cultures other than...

You can do that if you have room before reaching the word limit. I took out a few words in my revision, above. Good luck!!

Undergraduate / "What is your favorite word and Why?" - UVA how to start this essay? [10]

This is some great discussion! I would add that the favorite word is an opportunity to write something very meaningful, and that you should be sure to enjoy writing it!

Also, perhaps the word has something to do with your intended major or study program?

Rather than thinking of how you would like to start, try writing a few sentences that might appear in the middle of the essay, and then add an intro later.

Sit staring at the computer screen and meditating on the question, breathing deep, until you hear a brilliant sentence in your mind.

:)
Kevin

Book Reports / Finally, an end has been brought to the reign of Macbeth; Macbeth power struggle [9]

You write very well! Here are just a few ideas:

Of the two men, one is nobler in appearance and higher in rank.

In final consideration, Macbeth was a character for whom power was a very important resource.

Undergraduate / "Vacation in China" - NYU Supplemental Essays [9]

I spent my 2008 vacation in China, where I had a very exciting trip. It started in GuangZhou, where I visited Sun Yat-sen University of Liberal Education.

The trip was fun; we rafted along the 9-straits river, climbed the Roaring Tiger Mountain, seen the thread-of-sky and so much more.

As soon as we arrived, I couldn't wait to tour the place where I grew up, the smell of fresh soil and the sound of bargaining in the market reminds me of everything as I pass them by.

Nice job, good luck!!!!

:)
Kevin

Undergraduate / U of Chicago essay [7]

Do you know that it is best not to end a sentence with a preposition? It is a nitpicking sort of rule, but here is how to apply it:

What had at first seemed like a brilliant journey, filled with daffodils and rolling green hills, eventually turned into the desert in which I was currently residing.

Or:
What had at first seemed like a brilliant journey, filled with daffodils and rolling green hills, eventually turned into the desert where I was currently residing.

This part has room for improvement:

I had not agreed to this course when I first began it; I believed that I would meet people along the way to keep me company, and that the trip would be leisurely.

You write very well! And you took a great approach in response to this prompt. Good idea, the metaphor is not too cliche, because they asked you to write about a street.

Writing Feedback / It's Unfair: Why is bullying getting more and more common? [4]

There is not need for quotation marks around the italicized story part. For the opening and closing parts (the story parts), maybe you should keep it italicized and change it to the present verb tense:

He smashes into the locker at full force. The bully strides calmly towards him and pulls him up close, till they are almost touching noses. He can see the nicotine-stained teeth and lips forming into a cold sneer. When the bully speaks, he can smell tobacco in his breath. "Think you are so tough, huh? You'd better have the twenty dollars ready tomorrow. Or else..." The bully spits at his feet and saunters off.

AND, you might try writing it from the second person perspective:

You smash into the locker at full force. The bully strides calmly towards you and pulls you up close, till you are almost touching noses. You can see the nicotine-stained teeth and lips forming a cold sneer. When the bully speaks, you can smell tobacco in his breath. "Think you are so tough, huh? You'd better have the twenty dollars ready tomorrow. Or else..." The bully spits at his feet and saunters off.

Same for the ending material.

You are a great writer, so you should try different things with perspective. I also recomend Stephen King's book On Writing for people like you who are extra talented.

Writing Feedback / many people learned a foreign language in their own country... [5]

I guess I am not qualified to guess about what score you would get.
Are you preparing for the test? Good luck!
If you are not certain about some sentences, type the here, and I will correct them for you!

:)

Kevin

Essays / Why do villains sin? - essay help [6]

Oh, I think you are off to a great start, and I had an idea: If you find C.S. Lewis's book Mere Christianity, you can read the first 20 pages and get a great idea about human knowledge of good and evil. Lewis would be a great writer to cite for this essay.

:)

Kevin

Book Reports / What is a book that has inspired you? (Pourquoi) [7]

In his picture book Pourquoi Jimmy posed questions I could not answer.

The truth is that we cannot give satisfying answers to the questions he asked, even though these questions are usually belittled by the so-called "grown-ups" who think that they are just too mature and busy to care for the questions. In fact, however, there are just too few things in our life that are worth our pursuit -we age into our eighties and discover that we loose most things we have gained in our lives.

The point here is not about posing questions, and neither is it about answering. The meaning of Pourquoi is that through asking questions we start to look for new ways to understand ourselves, to read the world, and to find the reason of life.

I believe there is always a perfect answer to all the questions.

Cool essay, you must be an interesting person!!

Graduate / HELP with SOP Proofread:Master Degree Application [7]

Hi Bashir,

Are you reluctant to post your work in the forum? You included your full name in your membership profile, so you can be confident that people from the school will know that it is your original work even if you post it in this forum. I cannot give my personal email address, but i can help if you post it here.

Thanks!!!

Kevin

Writing Feedback / Essay about four major generations. [7]

Hi, your writing is excellent, and I'm sure this essay will score well. I can help with your use of MLA, though:

It's said, the millennium busters "are today's children and students, and tomorrow's employees and leaders."

Put a comma before the quotation, like this:

It's said, the millennium busters, "are today's children and students, and tomorrow's employees and leaders."

I see that you do use a comma for that situation in other parts of the essay.

Also, it is not usually acceptable to put the weblink in the in-text parenthetical reference. Instead, it is good to put the title of the article or the author's name.

:)

Kevin

Poetry / Night mare (poem) - I made it when i was 17 [5]

Wow, I like how the rhythm constantly changes. What are you going to do with this poem now? I wonder if it should have a more descriptive title.

This line is confusing: The one where I have myself in my most parts, I woke up and I survived (but I understand now that you meant that you were one of the people in the dream)

Essays / Effects of internet on students and their studies [7]

This essay explains how the Internet makes education better, and also how the Internet makes education worse. I will write about how the Internet can be used to access information, how it is used for online classes, and how it is used for research. For each topic, I will cite a few online articles, and at the end of the paper is a list of the articles that I used. The thesis statement that I argue in this paper is that the Internet has improved education by making enormous amounts of information available to people everywhere.

The paragraph above is a good start for you, because it tells you what to do. Like angelmcintosh wrote, you just need to start off with an introduction (above), and then write ONE PARAGRAPH FOR EVERY POINT YOU MAKE. When you are done, write a thoughtful conclusion paragraph.

Good luck!!!!

Writing Feedback / Philosophy: Is Aristotle right in his definition of happiness ? [2]

Oh, there are a few counter-arguments!

Theists: You can cite religious arguments that hold the highest good to be service to god.

Utilitarians: Other people would say that the highest good is to make a great contribution to society -- which would be contributing to the happiness of others.

Buddhists and Taoists: More interesting is the argument for enlightenment, as in the Buddhist and Taoist traditions! Enlightenment is a way to transcend duality altogether, so that you have gone beyond happy vs. unhappy.

So, read a book or article about each of those things, and cit what you read as part of a counter-argument.

Incidentally, if one is a theist, or a utilitarian, or a Buddhist or Taoist, it is still true that you seek happiness. Whether you find happiness in pleasing God, or helping others, or achieving enlightenment, it is still all pursuit of happiness.

Undergraduate / "the importance of my education" - Admission essay [6]

I did not learn the importance of my education until late in my high school career. It was during my junior year that I became serious about my grades; this change took place when I realized that they represented the doorway to my future.

I participated in improving the local environment there, by planting mangroves and rebuilding nurseries.

No need for quotation marks in this last one:
I have strengthened my conviction in the values that I represent, and I believe that these values are consistent with the guiding philosophies of Florida State University.

Writing Feedback / Essay about New Deal and the Role of Government [5]

You seem to cover the topic very well! I will try to find ways to improve it, below:

During one of the most difficult times in the economy of the United States, many Americans were faced with the question of whether the government was doing what is necessary to fix the economy.

Franklin D. Roosevelt, upon becoming president, enacted the New Deal, a program that ran from 1933 to 1939 and was intended to provide relief, recovery, and reform.

In Franklin D. Roosevelt's 1936 speech, heasserted that the government had been changed for the better since his inauguration as President in 1933.

The New Deal was confusing in the sense that it spent billions on budget deficits, debts, and currency that did not have an astonishing effect on the recovery of the economy.

Writing Feedback / European Union essay advice and corrections [2]

This essay will discuss the question whether the European Union should continue it enlargement process or intensify integration within the current membership. The last 12 new members to enter into the European Union membership have put some fear in the citizens of the old members states. because they are not so sure about the benefit of this integration because of the current economic and unemployment problems of this countries they believe that the accession of 12 new members will increase immigration in the Western Europe countries.

However I believe that the EU should continue its enlargement process in order to meet its challenge -- which is the put together a stronger and more powerful European Union that can defend international security.

Essays / Common application supplements - 500 characters, not words! [3]

That is great of you to let everyone know. If they worded it poorly on the website, maybe you should talk to someone in admissions and let them know! That should count for something toward your application, right??? :)

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'figure skating since I was 12' - CommonApp Short Answer, "activity [4]

Now, I know I sound like every other girl, but since I was 12 years old, I have loved figure skating-- a tough and competitive sport. Beyond the obvious fun, I learned about confidence, which was the first lesson my coach taught me. "Confidence is the key that separates excellent skaters and very good skaters. It's also the line that defines who you are. You remember that." I marked it down in my mind.

There are some things in life that are similar to figure skating in that they involve moves that require pure confident execution, without any logic or reasoning to distract you performer. Before I landed a 540° axel, I had to believe I could do it 100% without hesitation (hesitation means pain in figure skating). Every time I have tried something in life, I always kept this in mind. I will be confident. I can do it even if there is no proof that I can.

(I switched it from "competitive and tough" to "tough and competitive," because I think the rhythm is better this way. "Tough and competitive," sounds like Rat tat ratatatat" on a snare drum or something...

Essays / Resume. What is the best way to start the FSU essay? [12]

How to end a resume? Well, there are a lot of different styles of resumes... I think a lot of people end it with a list of accomplishments.

Do you have a cover letter to go with it?

Undergraduate / Song choice on a talent show; a roommate who needs to know you; NYU and Stanford supplemental essays [8]

However, there is indeed one song that I would choose if I had to sing: "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield.

This song falls within my vocal range, and it is also one of the few songs that I really liked when I first listened to it. More importantly, the lyrics are consistent with my life and personality.

I was very sad that people were not willing to help correct mistakes in their own country.

Stanford university is famous not only for its students' intellectual vitality, but also for its history of guiding people according to their likes and dislikes.

One of my favorite stories about Stanford was told to me by a guide during one of my visits to the campus. She told me that during her freshmen year, she had a roommate who loved The Red Sox and hated soccer. Another good friend, who lives across the hall, was different from her roommate in every way except that she also loved The Red Sox and hated soccer. These two people did not get along at first but became best friends before the end of Freshmen year, and now, she said, they are planning to share an apartment together after they graduate. Because of that, I realized how important it is for your roommates to know something about you, because they will be the ones living with you for the best years of university.