Undergraduate / "I entered China as a typical spoiled American teenager" -UC Prompt 2 [3]

We were among a group of thirty-three Americans who volunteered to travel deep into the rural parts of China and teach English to underprivileged tribal children.

I was assigned to a class of students about to enter their first year of junior high school . In the beginning it was awkward and no one talked or volunteered. In fact I later learned my students had initially believed that I was Mexican due to my dark skin tone and were shocked when I was able to pronounce Chinese fluently.

As cliché as it sounds, I learned more from my students than they will ever know. My students' determination to excel without regard for how their community has treated them awakened something within me. ... I entered China as a typical spoiled American teenager, and was able to leave as a mature adult , who achieved a clearer view of the world she lives in.

Now, you will have to choose some sentences to take out. If it exceeds the word count, you need to delete some. This always makes essays more powerful, anyway. You can delete the part about CAUTION signs on the street... and choose a few other superfluous sentences as well.

I did not find any explanation of what was being resolved on the basketball court. Perhaps you can delete that first paragraph, and start with:

I was one of thirty-three Americans who volunteered to travel deep into the rural parts of China to teach English to underprivileged tribal children. We entered the village of Yuan-Yang after a seven hour bus ride from Kunming, China.

Undergraduate / The love for politics was planted in me at a young age but did not have the opportunity to sprout [10]

Good luck!!

A love of politics was planted in me at a young age, but it d id not have the opportunity to sprout. It was not until a few years after that memorable event, that this passion began to develop. Following my freshman year at L'amoureaux Collegiate, I found myself no longer situated in a familiar environment. I had immigrated to a foreign-yet not so foreign-country: the United States.

Writing Feedback / "the Tenth Man" - Simple Essay [2]

Good questions! Are you using APA or MLA? If it is MLA, you don't need to use commas... Just write (Williams et al. 55)

Take out the comma after Williams, too, like this: "Women were given the right to vote in 1945 by de Gaulle's short-lived postwar government" (Williams et al. 55).

For this one, just take out that comma in the parenthetical reference: In the book the sister of the deceased Janvier says, "I couldn't turn him out without so much as a piece of bread" (Greene 120).

I ALSO SUGGEST THAT YOU get the titles of online articles to use instead of putting a link in th in text citation. Or, you can use the name of the organization. For example, I followed your linkb holocaustresearchproject and found that it was written by the Holocaust Education & Archive Research Team (HEART). You can put that name in parentheses, and on subsequent instances of it you can put HEART. For example, The prisoners were also executed using a gas chamber, through strenuous work, or through poor nutrition to provide specimens for medical schools (HEART).

And the last thing I'll say is that you are punctuating correctly. The quotation mark omes first, then the parenthetical reference, and then the period. However, if it is a question mark or an exclamation mark, the punctuation goes inside the quotes! So, there is an exception to that rule...

Good luck!!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Cape Verde, West Africa - 250 words for personal essay [2]

Great story, I hope you have lots of success!! See how I separated the paragraphs differently... now it is 3 paragraphs:

When my family first arrived in this country from Cape Verde, West Africa, I was only 10 years old. My father left us when I was 8, leaving my mother to raise five kids single handedly. We faced many obstacles as a family; we knew little to no English, money was a problem and many of my siblings had difficulties adjusting to the new culture. Still, I knew early on that I was going to overcome all the problems we faced and somehow learn to succeed. Growing up in a family where no one has succeeded beyond high school, it has always been my motivation to be the first member of my family to attend college.

Reflecting now on those struggles, I can see more clearly the effects those dynamic years have had. Life, I have learned, is a cause-and-effect relationship. It involves taking chances and risking security in hopes of stumbling upon something great. I have come to gracefully accept life's challenges with an open mind, and though at times unsure of my options, I remain confident and keep believing.

In dedicating myself to my family and school, I have set goals that I will do anything to accomplish. I am an extremely determined individual, and your university will help me take the next step in climbing the ladder of success. I strongly believe that I deserve a chance to be the first in my family to go to college, and I hope to influence make a meaningful contribution at [name of school].

Undergraduate / I am shedding tears - UC Prompt #1 Essay [5]

How about adding a strong intro sentence that tells the reader the THEME of what you are about to write? It seems that your theme involves coming to know yourself through knowing nations. You seek to understand the world, so that you can understand yourself.

Also, fix this:
As of young, I've always been questioned of my identity. Try this: Even at a young age, I often questioned my identity...

Undergraduate / Admission Essay (Boston University) - its environment attracts me [5]

Just a few months ago, I discovered the significance of Boston University for my academic future. One of the school's representatives came to Massapequa High School for a private meeting, and I took away critical information on that day. Now write about the most important factors that make BU better than other schools, which will be the focus of this essay.

What attracts me to Boston University is its environment: The school has an atmosphere of relaxed focus. Coming from Massapequa (a small town on Long Island) I knew that I wanted to go to school in a largely populated area. As the representative started to talk about the school I discovered that University offers many different majors that aren't commonly found. Students are given great opportunities for interning not only domestically but internationally as well. The opportunity for interning for top companies will allow me to experience the work environment while still continuing my studies.

Studying in the heart of Boston and just a couple of hours away from New York City will allow me to occasionally travel home but also allow me to experience the culturally diverse city. With numerous advantages for students to travel, the study abroad program will offer me the multi-cultured experience that I always dreamt of being apart and that the other universities couldn't offer. Academically the school is ranked as one of the nation's top schools, which is an important factor in the decision-making process.

I separated the paragraphs a little. Now, keep a clear idea about the purpose of each paragraph, and finish it up. Good luck!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "martial artist" - UC prompt help??? [4]

This is a nice essay. I would like to mention that Dr. Yang Jwing Ming has important things to teach about the internal arts and Chi Kung! Look for him on the Internet.

:)

Now, to improve your essay, look at each paragraph and try to convey the same messages in fewer words.

Change this: after doing kung fu for more than five years...

Now, look again at this question: What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Perhaps, you can intrigue the reader by writing about the universally applicable principles you learned in Kung Fu: decisiveness, fluidity, rhythm, power. You can write this essay with rhythm that is powerful, too. Write one, powerful, rhythmic sentence that encompasses the way that your training has affected who you have become. What does it mean? What did this experience of empowerment mean?

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 - Jean Paul [2]

He might not have been the best coach when it came to tactics or teaching us how to play as a team, but he had been the best coach in my life that deep-rooted my passion for soccer and demolished the barrier against the new society.

Good, now take another look at the question: What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Now, try to find three sentences that are not necessary, and delete them. Doing that always makes an essay more powerful. After that, add a paragraph to DIRECTLY answer the question What about this makes you proud, makes you who you are?

Even if you don't make any change at all, it is already a great essay!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "Imagine" by John Lennon; UC Promt 1- Morality Class [2]

This is a powerful essay! As soeone who grew up hearing Imagine and other important Beatles music, it intrigues me to think of someone growing up in Korea and hearing it translated into English as part of a morality class.

I found no mistakes, but I would like to change the beginning:

In 2003, when the U.S. troops had just invaded Iraq, I was taking a Morality class in Seoul, Korea. My teacher, Jung Yongmin, entered one day in his typical hippie clothing: ragged sandals, faded pants, and a T-shirt stretched out at the neck. Although he was known for his eccentric personality and style, the way he dressed actually made him look like a man of simplicity and peace. That day, he carried an old and unshapely audiocassette player and once the classroom grew quiet, he asked if anybody had listened to the song "Imagine" by John Lennon. I remained silent, because I had not. However, within an hour, that song taught me a totally new philosophy that has since shaped my views on problems around the world.

Mr. Jung began the class by showing us a slideshow of the atrocities suffered by the Iraqi civilians. I was horrified- and yet it still seemed so far away. After showing us the pictures, Mr. Jung placed the audiocassette player on the table in the middle of the classroom and pressed the play button. As the song "Imagine" came through the speakers, he started to sing along and dance around the classroom, gesticulating like an R&B singer and moving his body with the peaceful melody of the song. The slide show projected the translated lyrics so I was able to read along with the song, and the meaning of each line combined with the melody, moved me profoundly; "Imagine" became the first song I memorized in English.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Best Architectural programs in the nation;Carneige Mellon- Major/Department/Program [4]

I found a little mistake here:

Since these days, I have dreamed to be an architect, an artist who visualizes, designs, and implements ideas in the largest scale in order to create a collective whole that is a powerful presence.

About the length, i see that this is actually more than a page and a half doublespaced, so it is too long!

You need to find about 5 different articles about the school's architecture program and see what makes it an attractive school for certain students. What unique strengths does the program have? There must be something! You might want to ask a current student, someone already attending. When you show that you are aware of their program's strong points, it shows that you understand the question, and that you are a serious learner.

This essay is nice, but the instructions for this essay are very specific. Now, in one page, you have room for only about 12 or 15 sentences, so make each of them count. Write one paragraph all about their program, and mention the names of faculty members.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "My family guides and supports me" - UC personal statement [7]

Very nice essay!

Lets just fix this last part:

As I continue to walk the long, meandering path that is my life, I will look towards the horizon and head for the highest peak I see--where my dreams lie. I will trek to the summit without fear or hesitation, with my family's vital guidance empowering me to set foot on that summit, and realize my dreams.

How does that sound? I got rid of one comma, changed some words, and threw a period on the end.

Undergraduate / Springfield College Physician's Assistance Addmission Essay [2]

Within your essay, I think that "physician's assistant" should not be capitalized, because it is not a proper noun in that context. However, when talking about it as the name of a program at Springfield College, it is a proper noun.

Fix the sentence that includes: "and I believe that I should use them to do make a positive difference" ... fix it by taking out the word "do." I see that it is just a typo...

How do you feel about rearranging the sentences in the second paragraph?

Because my parents separated when I was young, I have had to do a lot for myself and my younger siblings from an early age. This independence will help me to the clear first obstacle in the way of my goal of becoming a PA; the difficulty of college work. In any medical field there is much that cannot be taught. One needs to possess intelligence, empathy, and wherewithal. These traits are part of who I am, regardless of what I do, and I believe that I should use them to do make a positive difference in the lives of others.

Get rid of the word "however" in this third paragraph:
... has not been without challenges. In times of high stress and urgency I am able to

I think you should use these 3 paragraphs as the BODY of the essay, and add 1 paragraph to the beginning and 1 paragraph to the end, for a total of 5.

You need to form one powerful sentence that tells what led you to select Physician's Assistance, and another powerful sentence that tells about some of the strong points of Springfield Colleges program. Let these two sentences be the basis for the first paragraph. For the last paragraph, restate the first paragraph in different words. Good luck!!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - "can I walk the walk?" [7]

Great, essays always get better as you shorten them. They become more compact and concentrated. You are a good writer, and it can only get better by taking words out. Some words can be taken out by changing sentences. For example:

I hear it again and again--the criticism, the degrading remarks, the negative feedback. Some people tell me that I have insufficient skill, while others tell me that I am a perfectionist who will never accomplish his goals. People set limitations on my life, but I am out to prove these skeptics wrong. I hold in my hands the vision of my future, and there's not a soul on this earth who can take that away from me. But how do I know the vision I have for myself will become reality? How can I be so positive that things will go as expected?

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / My life vs. my Chinese parents + an art class, UC Prompt Essays [4]

Here are some suggestions to help you:

Prompt one:

...neither of them could speak English correctly

...Helping the needy enabled me

The ways that Danny helped me with my struggles--by listening to me, by respecting the choices that I have made in my life, and by aiding me--have changed my entire outlook on the world.

This is a great story. How about if you write an opening sentence that tells the reader what truth this essay represents: You found success and satisfaction by helping others.

Prompt two:

congratulated me for the challenges that I had overcome.

Ahh, so the first essay was about coping with life's adversity by helping others and accepting God's help, and the second essay is about perseverance. For this second essay, I would like it if you add a sentence to the beginning: Perseverance enabled me to overcome my inhibitions and achieve successes that I once believed to be impossible.

Undergraduate / "I will always have a desire to help others." - UC Prompt 2 [5]

Oh, that is good advice that teenaxboee gave you. You should add a paragraph of reflection to the end, and then you should add a sentence to the first paragraph, too -- a sentence that prepares the reader for the truth at which you will arrive through reflection. You are more than half way done! Good luck!

:)

Kevin

Speeches / Physical Education (A Key in Establishing relationships) [4]

Oh, good luck with your speech!

I think you should start with a list of important points. "A Key in Establishing relationships" is an interesting topic. You should look on the Internet for Goleman's concept called emotional intelligence, and say something about that. You also might talk about the role of leadership in developing relationships. Maybe if you answer the questions below in complete paragraphs, you will have your speech already written!

How are relationships established in physical education?

What research studies have been conducted to show relationships develping during phys. ed. classes?

How does "scientific leadership" help to cultivate relationships?

What role does "emotional intelligence" play in the development of relationships during phys. ed?

What do you think are the most important considerations for phys. ed teachers responsible for promoting the development of relationships?

GOOD LUCK!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / what my dad has been preparing me for my whole life - UC prompt 1 [3]

This essay is going to make your father very happy. I hope you will show it to him! Here are my corrections. Good luck,

Kevin

After seventeen years, I began to see what my dad has been preparing me for throughout my whole life: To be an independent woman who can succeed and achieve her goals. My father has always been my idealistic role model. He is an intelligent man as well as a hard working person. No matter what mistakes I have made in life, he has always been there to help me and correct my wrongs. He wants the best life for me, the life toward which he strove but, because of his conditions as a foreigner, he had not actualized for himself. My father has definitely given me the ability to achieve the best and inspired me to keep a positive outlook in life.

Twenty years ago my father moved to the United States in search of reaching the American Dream; to succeed and achieve his goals. As a hard worker he had many jobs in order to earn enough money to live a calm life. Two years after he moved he met my mother and soon after I was born. In order to gain enough money to raise me, my father had to work two jobs and he rarely ever got enough rest. Soon enough my mom got pregnant again and sadly at the same time my dad lost his job. This is when times got rough and we all had to pick up card board boxes in order to earn a couple of dollars to pay our rent. Luckily, a couple of months later he was able to get a stable job and help my family and me earn a living.

Fifteen years later, I find myself having to succeed in life and I am aiming for the highest to make my father happy. All his fighting and restless nights was intended to enable me to attend school and become a smart young lady. Now that I have reached the time to apply for colleges I remember my dads words "never give up" and so I will not. I will make him as well as myself proud and will succeed and earn the life as well as career that he never could. I will definitely fight and strive for a perfect life, and it is all thanks to my father.

Writing Feedback / Polar bear essay - I could really use on what i've written so far [2]

Great! I made some minor changes below. It will be good if you have a good intro paragraph and then write one section for POP, one for over-hunting, and one for climate change. In the end, you can reflect on these three categories of threat ad compare them with one another. You can also include a section about what is being done to protect the bears. Good luck!!

Kevin

Polar bear are extremely vulnerable to certain pollutants. Persistent organic pollutants, such as pesticides and chemicals, are among the most problematic. Persistent organic pollutants, or POP's, represent a big problem to polar bears because POP's take years to biodegrade. This means that they will stay in the environment and affect polar bears for years to come. POPs also travel very fast from their source of origin. Even though these pollutants may have been used far away from the arctic, through long-range transport the pollutants reach the arctic quickly. (David Suzuki) They then reach the polar bears through the food chain because fish are the first to be affected by the pollutants, seals eat the fish and then polar bears eat the seals. By the time the pollutants reach the polar bears they are much more concentrated. POP's bond to fat molecules in the body of the polar bears and are stored in their organs. Studies have shown that POP's can cause baby polar bears to be born with both male and female reproductive organs, thus reducing their capability to reproduce. This will cause fewer polar bears to be born, which will in turn decrease the population of polar bears.

Over hunting is also becoming a large problem in polar bear regions. It is currently legal in Canada and Greenland for sport hunters to hunt polar bears. However in Russia, it is illegal to hunt polar bears and yet in 2002, over 250 polar bears were illegally hunted in Russia. Polar bears don't reproduce until they are much older which means that if hunters are hunting polar bears before the polar bears get a chance to reproduce, then even less polar bears will be born.

Undergraduate / "a pen that he could borrow" - UC promt#2 [3]

Hi Sam, you write beautifully now. You must have learned English well. I have only a few suggestions for change (see below). Maybe, at the end of the essay, you can add one more sentence about the kid that took your pencil! Cool essay.

Kevin

...I couldn't find the right words to say because I was not comfortable with the language yet. I did not always communicate well with the teacher, either, because I did not always understand her. I was too ashamed to look at my classmates.

One day, club members gathered to plan for the club carnival. However , we were not quite prepared.

Nevertheless , I weighed the possibility of being embarrassed personally against the possibility of my entire club being humiliated in public, and I decided to take action.

I suggested some other ideas and we finally found the solution from one of my suggestions. We decided to make special foods to sell. It was quite simple but also the considerable idea. I showed them working actively and they started follow my lead. I took responsibility for finishing up till late, and we could get great advantages from carnival. "Sam, you are our hero!" "You saved our club!" All members seemed to glad we were success. It allayed my cowardice of people in new country, and it also furthered my willingness to take participate progressively.

Undergraduate / "my focus was helping my classmate" - Kyle was born with a disability [2]

Hello! You probably should not use Kyle's real, full name, but instead just all him "Kyle."

How about a completely unique kind of personal satisfaction

By helping others, I gained a completely completely unique kind of personal satisfaction that cannot be found in other aspects of life; I am lucky to have had this opportunity to positively contribute to a disabled child's processes of life and learning at such a young age.

Great job, perhaps you can add one more paragraph and connect this learning experience with your intended major at this school to which you are applying.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / After the lunch bell, I quickly stepped outside of Calculus, anxious to head to the Tomb. [3]

Interesting essay, nie conclusion! It will help if you write a short introductory paragraph to get the reader ready for what is to come. I made many corrections below regarding sentences that start with the words "And," or "But" (conjunctions). I hope that my other corrections help, as well. For the most part, your writing can improve by

1. taking out the contractions
2. taking out unnecessary words, so that it is sleek and efficient.

I like your communication style!

Let's see, I recounted in my head, It's Monet interpretation, so I probably need some vivid color paint and a couple of pieces of sketch paper.

A cache of supplies that last year's seniors had left behind, the Tomb was where I headed almost every day for whatever I could not financially afford. Although I was virtually the only one who utilized the system, followed by others' suspicious glances, I did not care much about what others thought. Knowing that my mother's income definitely was insufficient for both the apartment rent and my would-be extravagant spending on art, the Tomb was a blessing from heaven above, a solution to my problems.

After a year in the art room, searching for whatever I needed for the assignment that day, my interest in art grew even more. This led me to apply to professional art programs. Ryman Arts, a tuition-free program, was one of them. Through Ryman, I was selected as two of the scholarship winners for the Idyllwild Arts summer program in 2007. In a way, both programs gave me hope and the tremendous opportunity to interact with other talented artists, teachers and students alike, and broaden my scope of learning. Listening to world-class lectures by prominent artists and discussing Salvador Dali under the sun in Idyllwild with people from England, Chicago, and New York, I opened my eyes to how art could affect people from all over the world.

My experiences of towering over the Tomb and attending such art programs ultimately helped shape my dream of becoming an animator. However, now I have a goal in life, not just a career: creating a charity for student artists who are less financially fortunate. As others' kindness has given me a chance to express myself in art, I want to be able to return the society's favor and help students like myself. In my opinion, the world can always use a couple more Tombs.