Undergraduate / 'overwhelmed with emotion' - Transfer Applicant - George Washington University [10]

Daisy, I read through your essay, the revised one and it seemed as though you modified it only for the sake of saying you modified and

did some changes.

Now, writing is not an easy skill, it takes a lot of time and dedication to the craft ad this is why the admissions panel will give you a room to improve for.

They will pretty much realize that you are trying hard to make your essay as good as possible and
as what is asked to the prompt and this is what you have come up with.

I just hope that after this essay you will be able to dedicate a few hours of your time everyday to practice
and hone your skills in writing, and oh, read a lot, this helps enhance your vocabulary and will give you a whole lot of pool

of new words that you can use in your writing.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement! Prompt 1- Me as an unique cultural mixture Prompt 2- What I learned in Mexico [4]

Hi Ko, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay, first essay first.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

- I belong to, as I consider myself ina member of two communities.
- The city that I live in and school that I attend to are favorite places for Koreans.

- I felt special asknow I was different,
- and I figured out being unique is nothing bad,
- not to be drifted to the middle of nowhere, but, in the contrary,
- adapting to new environment with thea firm dream.

Ko, as you can see there's only a few remarks that I made on your essay, however this doesn't mean that your essay is strong,

I suggest that you write a few more sentences on your dreams and aspirations rather than dedicating almost the entire essay writing about your background and your family, talk about your future too, this is also part of the essay too.

Undergraduate / What do you do? Why do you do it? (20-200 words). [6]

Ornela, we would appreciate it if you can also post the prompt for this essay or is it the title of the essay or the prompt below?

There's a difference between being busy and being engaged. Lafayette comes alive each day with the energy of students who are deeply engaged in their academic, co-curricular and extracurricular explorations. In response to the prompt below, keep it simple - choose one activity and add depth to our understanding of your involvement.

- sophomore year, helping me lead,
- group have showed me that it takes a
- dedicateddedication and an open mind to
- communicate and compromise for the better of the majoritygreater welfare .
- I aspired to one day, be those individuals guiding
- BeingAs the the vice-president, it has has allowed me to

There you have it Ornela, I hope my remarks on your essay helped, for future writing reference, separate the prompt from your essay or at least write it bold or with more emphasis.

Letters / Motivation letter for Erasmus mundus scholarships - English isn't first language [6]

Rose, this is my initial remarks for your essay and we will talk about the essays presentation and how it's written for now.

I understand that before you made the decision to write this application, you made a few research on the scholarship and it's true
the Erasmus Mundus scholarship is one of the most sought after scholarships out there, not only do they provide one of the
best education, they also have one of the most outstanding faculty there is, so this is one shot that you have to take very seriously.

Now, the presentation of your essay is quiet weak, too many segmented paragraphs, what you can do is to merge a few of the small paragraph and roll them to make one full paragraph. Punctuation mark, yes they are to be used but in your case, you use them too much and the input is not in the right place

or manner.

Your word usage and grammar needs polishing too.

As you can see, there's quiet a lot of work to be done so I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Undergraduate / Computers and Me - computer science, mathematics, programming languages, the Linux terminal - for UC [5]

Rene, first of all I believe this essay is far better than the first one.
On this essay, you started with quiet a fortunate side of the story,
you managed to bring the story to the height where it talks more
about an inspiring experience, rather than having self - pity and let it be.

Now, the essay looks and reads more appropriate to the prompt now and
you can see the difference from the previous essay, you can notice that
this is the essay that the prompt is asking you to write.

I have also made a thorough proof read on your essay and for future reference, try
to keep a light mood on your essay and don't linger on the dark past side of the story.

Essays / Individual essay - compare and contrast the entrepreneurial journey [16]

Nel, I agree with Louisa, the key to writing an outline and in anything that you write in general, the best thing to do first is, research.

Research on how the essay should be written, what are the information that the essay should have and what are the right inputs you
have to include in the essay.
It will only take a little amount of your time to do a research and believe me, it's worth it.
The key to a successful essay comparison and contrast and in writing as a whole is when you
have a great deal of knowledge before you even start writing.

I believe you have to integrate a lot of details into your outline and not just outline, but a full length of facts as well.

When you have a new draft, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Letters / LETTER OF MOTIVATION FOR RWTH, AACHEN ADMISSION [8]

Prince, I can see that you tried harder on this revised essay. You considered the points that we have for your essay
and you came up with a pretty written essay.

Question is, does this essay, satisfy and justify what is asked of the prompt?, the answer is yes and no.

Yes, because part of the prompt shows your dedication and perseverance towards the course of your choice and
the field that you want to pursue in college and as a career later on in life.

No, because, it's not a motivation letter, it's a simple narrative of your aspirations, dreams and what your plans are in the next few years.

Motivation letter as it is called is a letter that will showcase the influence behind your pursuit of a certain thing, passion or craft and in your

case a course that you want to pursue in college.

Now, simply answer this question, What motivates you to apply to AACHEN and take the course of Bachelor of Engineering in Metallurgy?
That's the only question that you have to deal with in this letter of motivation, when you have an answer to this, start to write the details in a very elaborated manner and when you have a draft, quickly post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / Computers and Me - computer science, mathematics, programming languages, the Linux terminal - for UC [5]

Rene, I just realized that I focused too much on the grammar side of your essay that I completely forgot to check what you are writing about.

Having said that, I came back to see what I missed, I read your prompt carefully and read your essay for the third time.
I made a very disturbing conclusion, you actually wrote a totally different essay, what you wrote is a narrative of how you
choose the course you want to excel in and what you think will help you launch a brighter future in your career.
Now, tis is not what the essay is all about, the prompt simply asks you to write about the influence that
honed you to become the person you are now.

You can write about a person, an event or maybe even a challenge that linger in your mind and made you feel like it's the right thing to do and

eventually shaped you to become the person you are today.

Once you have a draft, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / UPENN undergrad application. Prompt: Exploring intellectual and academic interested at UPenn [5]

Anabelle, the word restriction is absolutely the last of your worries now.
I read through your essay and yes, it does not answer what the prompt is asking you to do.

The prompt says, How will you explore your intellectual and academic interests at the University of Pennsylvania? Please answer this question given the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying.

All you have to do is focus your essay on the prompt, answer it accordingly and make sure that you integrate a little information on your academic background.

Let's try by following the guidelines below;

- what is your academic background
- how will this background influence your academic goals
- why do you choose UPENN
- what does UPENN have that corresponds to your academic goals
- what can you contribute to UPENN as your future home and the community as a whole

Finally, what is the ultimate gift that you can share, academically and personal, to the institution when you leave after serving for few years.

I hope with this guidelines you will be able to come up with a well written essay and when you do, post is here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / GPPA Program: Why direct to medical school? [5]

Serena, I can see that you manage to get assistance here on EF quiet well and this is very good, it just goes to show that you are very open to objective criticism and that you value the works of others and the extended help they provide in order for you to come up with a well written essay.

Now, as you can see, the main reason why there is a confusion on your essay is that you missed to follow the prompt, not only on posting it but also

in writing what the prompt is asking you to write. This normally happens when you get soaked into writing what your heart and mind desires, which is not bad at all, however, there is a very crucial aspect in this area that you have to take note of, in cases like, what if you didn't have EF

to look into your mishaps or a second pair of eyes to look into your writing pieces, then you will be in great trouble and more so, you loose your chance

for the GPPA program.

For future reference, review the prompt properly before writing and when you are writing already, make sure that you glance at the prompt form time to time, to give you a reminder of where the prompt should go and if you're doing exactly what the prompt is asking you to do.

Undergraduate / My "best" friend - panic disorder. UC Personal Statement [7]

Rachel, I believe there is no way of rectifying your existing essay to make it more of what the prompt is asking you to write.

As the prompt is "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"

You have to write a totally different essay for this, something that will answer the prompt properly.
Your original prompt posted here is absolutely far from what the essay is asking you to write, therefore, changing it in order to answer the above prompt

will not make any difference.

The prompt on "telling about your personality.." is a good prompt and I can assure you that you will not have a hard time writing it.

You already wrote an essay before so this one should not be hard at all, it's not going to be easy but at least you have some idea already.

Now, when you start writing, don't forget to review what the prompt is asking you to write and make sure that you write accordingly, when you have a draft,

post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / The sky is the limit? No, it's just the beginning! University of Illinois Undergraduate Admission [4]

Sriram, I just finish reading your essay and overall review is, you were able to answer and provide an essay that the prompt is asking you for,

however, I don't see the details of your 5th and 6th grade to be very beneficial to your essay, I'm not saying that you have to eliminate this information but rather than

labelling them per grade, I say you write them as a continuing act towards achieving your goals for college.
Let's try below;

- From 5th grade onwards,M y fascinations about nature started to expand as early as 5th grade .

- When I moved to India for my 6th gradethe following year , I was
- Though After three long years I was changed,

- It was during my 10th and 11th thatThe next few years continued to fuel my aspirations as an engineer materialized .

- So I look forward to joining you in pursuit of ______.

Sriram, the above are my remarks and I hope it helped.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The comparison of consumer spending in six different goods [2]

Hi Bayu, I'd like to share my thoughts on your analysis.

I'd like to add a sentence to boost your introduction.
The graph below shows the comparison of consumer expenditures on six different goods.

- A breakdown of consumer spends in thousand pounds sterling in six different goods is presented in the bar chart .
- Overall, Britain is leading the amount of
- spendsing among the other countries.
- In any case,Following is Italy and Germany have the lowest pounds sterling expenditure one after another.

Bayu, this are my remarks above and I feel like you lack a few information input on the analysis and this should be added in the essay.

You have to compare and create difference among the data that is included in the graph.

I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / US childhood and citizenship, although origins and heritage resides in India - Texas admission essay [6]

Sriram, here's the second part of the essay help.

- The students there were those who were different from the usual lot:, they
- I acquired a completely different

- up so many characteristicspractices from so many
- I learnt a lot of skills like negotiationalnegotiatingskills ,
- empathy and time management.
- But( try not to use "but" at the beginning of your sentence)T he most important

- have transformed me into a hybrid variety:individual
- one who holds an American's innovative capability and independancyindependence ,and also
- But by then, I didn't need any more.( this phrase is unnecessary )
- So I look forward to joining the University of Texas.

Sriram, after putting my corrections in, I feel that your essay lack a lot of elements to make it to this application, you have also have to justify

why UT should choose you or allow you to be part of the pack, what can you contribute to the institution and to the community as a whole.

Think about my suggestion and when you do, mind your spelling too, turn on that spell checker and review the rules on grammar and linking verb usage too.

Undergraduate / US childhood and citizenship, although origins and heritage resides in India - Texas admission essay [6]

Sriram, I'd like to help out on your essay and we will do it one paragraph at a time.

- I foundfind it nearly hard to make any friends.
- I learned to keep myself in checked in and

- 'The only constant thing is constant change'.
- I fervently hoped it was true, because I knew that I couldn't resist the changes around me indefiatelyindefinitely .
- I had made all the mistakes I could during this time,
- and learnt some valuable lessons throughout this experience .
- What I needed was a new beginning, so that I could put the mistakes I made behind me
- and the lessons I learnt in front.forward

Sriram, as you can see there's still a lot of work to be done and I did a few already, I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Undergraduate / 'lucky to be introduced to computers' - UC Prompt 1 - Transfer Essay and Prompt 2 - Computer Science [8]

Hi Vitor, I'm back for the 2nd prompt.
I hope my corrections help.

Prompt #2
- Although( refrain from starting a negative approach on your essay ) I was raised
- or were up to no good so thatthe library became my shelter.
- It was there that I becameThe library helped me become fluent in English, and as
- because although I was born poor,even if I don't have much my soul wasn'tis full of life .
- With both,Armed with perseverance and big dreams, I don't see barriers, but different paths.
- and finally bring pride to my name, lies behind the doors of the UCs .

Vitor, this 2nd essay is not that strong but not weak either, what you have to realize in writing essays, is that, your writing pieces depicts the person you are,

so stop blaming your parents on the unlucky life that you experienced, instead look at them as an inspiration to be a better person, believe me this is not easy job to do, to look at people who doesn't do anything but look down on you but step up your game and prove them wrong, strive for UC and make it big.

Be objective in your essays and stop nagging about your poor situation.

Writing Feedback / Research assignment awareness campaign [4]

Maryam, it seems that you already have a lot of following here and a lot of options and suggestions to ensure that your essay is done properly.

Now, I'd like to add some inputs, if I may.
The purpose of your essay is very noble, to do a research with a purpose for greater welfare and raising awareness
to strengthen education in countries such as yours is a job that may mean a lot of work, sacrificed time and
a huge chunk of criticisms from people who just don't care and doesn't believe in change, but you do and I say KUDOS to you and to your team.

As you can see, forming grammatically correct sentences is one of your weakness but there is a room for improvement and there is always a way to

hone your skills, practice will make you good in anything you do.
I also suggest that you spend a little time, researching and reading research paper to have a good grip on how to approach formal writing pieces.

I hope to see more of your writing and continue with the good job!

Undergraduate / "aha!" moment - Intended Major: Biology - UC Transfer Prompt 1 [5]

Christopher, I'd like to add some corrections and needed enhancement on your essay.

- As blood leaked out of the body, the sounds of a rapidly beeping

- my attention the most, however,( you already said "but" to detect contrast in the beginning of the sentence so no need to add "however") was the human body.

- I would catch a glimpses, but due to the camera angles,

- but because of the sight of thean open body cavity had me utterly captivated.

- From itthis experience , I have

Christopher, I believe your essay is written quiet strong, I only have a few corrections as you can see above, I hope it helped.

Undergraduate / 'lucky to be introduced to computers' - UC Prompt 1 - Transfer Essay and Prompt 2 - Computer Science [8]

Vitor, I'd like to work on your first prompt first;

- science was the degree I would pursue in my life.
- I wasam still lucky to be introduced
- I began frequenting athe library
- This inspired me to aim for Brazilian universities since, (mind your punctuation marks ) although
- was a dead-end where we lived , and I had no chance in competing
- They were right( you don't have to specify any failure, it's uncalled for) .
- ButM y interest in computer science was and still is fueled
- Thus, I self- studied several concepts of computer science and mathematics by myself in order to find the education that would guide me towards this dream.

- I'm fluent in three human languages
- and I still fail to find the proper words to describe what I feel about itmy chosen field .
- IfC omputer science is the one key to its fruition, then I will pour every inch of my soul in its chasing my goal to pursue this field and I will never waver nor doubt my capacity to attain success .

Well, it's true that your essay is quite weak in the beginning, but you always look for improvement.
Improvement that will make your essay better and will earn you the spot in UC.

I'll get back to you for the next prompt.

Graduate / MS Engineering Construction Management - Statement of Purpose [4]

Mario, I'd like to share my insights on your essay.
I believe your essay is written well, I may not be an expert in engineering and architecture
terminologies but your wrote your essay to the standard that even readers who are not that inclined with Engineering
will be able to understand what you are talking about. When writing, the challenge always lies in the, "what if the readers will not

be able to comprehend", "what if the terms does not relay your frame of thought", however, you nailed this
in your writing. You made sure that this boundary is non existence.

I also want to stress that your presentation of the paragraphs and the overall structure of the essay is clean and pleasing to the readers eyes.

Well, I hope my insights help and I wish you luck.

Scholarship / Describe and evaluate one experience that significantly influenced your academic interests. [5]

Sam, I'd like to share my remarks on your essay.

- namedcalled Zooming out for a
- In one of the presentation,
- Also, ( don't forget you punctuation marks, otherwise, your sentence will be very long) hearing that
- I believe that from thosethese aspirations,
- I will have the ability to
- my chosenthe academic programs that I chose will allow
- me to reach my goals and hone meby helping me mold myself into the person I want to become.
- Gaining more knowledge in my desired pathways can allow
- Austin will allow me to go beyond my goals and strive for whatever I desire.

There you have it Sam, the corrections are minor but helpful, specially in enhancing your essay.

Undergraduate / My fencing world teaches me to work diligently on things that I am passionate about - UC prompt 1 [7]

Well Alan, to help you out in this matter, the focus of the essay should be you as the writer and the doer of the action, however,

what the essay is asking from you is your actions towards greater community welfare and to be able to do that,
you have to have a definite plan that soon will be executed once you get admission to the institution.

The only thing with you is that you're still indecisive on what you want to pursue and this is somehow affecting your application, however, you don't have to decide now, I mean, a lot of students have decided what they want to pursue in college, but is that what they really want and what they want to pursue in life, sometimes, or shall I say, most of the time, not really, most of the time, students and people in general, find things, develop interests and discover a great deal of options in life, so you see, it's not really a bad thing to be indecisive.

I believe all you have to do is, draw your essay to focus on who you are and what you can contribute to the institution and you will be fine.

Good Luck!!!

Undergraduate / Saving "My World" & Piano Plateaus - UC Personal Statement (Freshman applicant) [5]

Ivana, I'm back for the second prompt, it's good that you were able to maintain that fascinating way of writing essays that captures the readers attention.

The word choice and the sentence structure is good as well, again just mind your paragraphs, keep them to the minimum and make sure that when you do, the idea is still there and you don't get to delete the important details that answers the prompt.

Overall, you actually have a unique interest from the rest of the essays that I read when it comes to answering the prompt. Most of the students your age will have a different interest, anyhow, it's a well written essay, just mind the added corrections from the other EF contributors as they mean well for you too, for future reference, try to add lively notes on your essay, yours are quiet serious ones.

Undergraduate / Saving "My World" & Piano Plateaus - UC Personal Statement (Freshman applicant) [5]

Ivana, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay,the first one is the one that I read and reviewed first.
I suggest that you merge the segmented paragraphs into 3 main paragraphs, this way is will be presented
in a manner that it will not look so crowded and rather an interesting read.

You started off positively on your essay which is very good, your word choice is also appropriate to the sentences and the
idea that you are trying to send out to your readers.

I would like to focus on the last paragraph for much needed enhancement.

- Perhaps wanting to save the world is ambitious,
- buthowever, I won't allow
- thatthis to discourage me
- becauseas my enthusiasm for the environment
- is so deeply rooteds fromin the experiences
- change my perspective so much, orand open my eyes

That's about it for me Ivana, I hope you follow through with the corrections made and I'll be back for the next prompt.

Undergraduate / I thought she was DEAD - [UC Prompt 2] [14]

Tonya, let me help you further.

1) Does it need editing?
Well, it seemed as though you did your own editing on your essay and you didn't really follow the edited version of your essay done by Louisa but I believe her version wis very helpful, specially because it draws out the negativity of the essay.

2) Cutting down, perhaps? It was hard for me to find anything to cut down, besides rephrasing statements.
Cutting down your essay will not help if the focus of the essay os not corresponding to the prompt, so I suggest that you do a thorough proof reading and see which sentences you want to eliminate, I must say that your 2nd paragraph where you wrote a few questions, this is not necessary as we have already established the frame of thought.

3) How does it compare to the first draft?
The second essay or the revision is definitely better and can still be enhanced.

4) Does the conclusion fit, or is it a stretch? If it is, I would be happy to change it, but it was definitely my 'ending on a lighter note' for this essay.

The ending is good, realizations in life is always a good note to end an essay.

I hope this answer you questions and enlightened you a little bit.

Undergraduate / Track and Field is now an important routine in my day - The University of Washington essay [5]

Sara, I'd like to share my insights on your essay, you seem to have a following already and I hope my remarks help as well.

- I'veI have participated
- and now is an important routine inof my day.

- AtIn this potluckgathering there
- were foodsdishes that i have never heard ofI could not name .

- and practices butand I am thrilled that
- I want to meet people where even though we come from places all over the world,
- we areand be united under one goal and one ambition.

There you have it from me Sara, I hope the corrections help enhance your essay and keep writing.

Undergraduate / I had the opportunity to experience Latin American culture - University of Washington short response [4]

Julian, first of all, I don't see your essay doing well in writing off in a negative start.
So here's what I suggest;

- I don't have the privilege of being able to learn about other cultures by visiting another country or talking to family members. However,I have always shared the passion to learn more about others culture and where I have grown up has given me the opportunity to experience Latin american culture in a way that can bring together an entire community. ( as you can see there is a huge difference in the introduction as it is starting off in a positive approach.

-We have lots of restaurants, the neighborhoods ,

Well, the essay started not fairly well, however you managed to end it in a very positive approach and turn things around.
For future reference, learn how to open your essay positively and carry on through out the essay.

Undergraduate / My fencing world teaches me to work diligently on things that I am passionate about - UC prompt 1 [7]

Alan, I'd like to share my thoughts in your essay.

- drowning the floor with our sweat from six to nine o'clock.
- I often wokewake up with many sore muscles in the morning.

- Portland to fence in tournaments, we never complain.
- I wish to explore something that I'm as passionate for as forabout like fencing
- and dedicate myself into that area in order to successsucceed and excel in thatthis area.

Alan, your dedication to the craft and to whatever you put your heart into, you will definitely succeed, you reap what you saw, this is absolutely true and it

happens in real life. Going back to your essay, aside from the minor corrections I made above, your essay is written well and I wish

you the best of luck in this endeavor.

Undergraduate / I thought she was DEAD - [UC Prompt 2] [14]

Hi Tonya, I'm glad that you appreciate the suggestions and remarks that we provide here on EF.
We strive to give you insightful remarks and enhancements on your essay to make sure that
your essay corresponds to the prompt and strong enough to earn a spot in the application you are rooting for.

Also, it definitely help if you have an original essay posted and the revised one to follow through, which is exactly what you did,
this is for us to make sure that the work done is in collaboration with great minds and in accordance to the prompt and
the the English language rules.

For future reference, keep your motivation in writing good pieces of essay and reading material, read a lot as this will help in your vocabulary and will eventually help you come up with better essays.

Essays / Education purpose, life objective and impacting others. Help with a scholarship essay [4]

Akin, I understand that it is rather a daunting task to write an essay, but you have to understand that here on EF we will not be able to write an essay for you, however we can provide guidelines that you may follow in order to make sure that you covered all the basics of the essay.

- first of all do a little research on the scholarship that the university offers
- answer the questions of the prompt and elaborate them into paragraphs
in order to direct your point and provide details.
- choose and use strong words and phrases to have that impact on your essay and to create
an understanding on your essay
- on this prompt, limit your paragraphs into 4 and keep the final 4th paragraph to inject personal insights on the task at hand.

Lastly, when you write, make sure that you are objective and keep your facts to back you up.
I wish to see your essay posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / 'overwhelmed with emotion' - Transfer Applicant - George Washington University [10]

Daisy, upon reading your essay, it made me feel like I'm reading an essay written by a
freshman, there's not enough points to consider as it's written quite poorly.

You have to strengthen your essay by re- writing it with conviction and choose the words that you associate in your essay,
make sure that you describe things and ideas precisely and not just in a subtle manner. I suggest that you also do a little bit of research

on terminologies use in writing an essay to the university as they will criticize your essay very well and they will make sure that
you know what you are talking about and you know what you are getting into.

I hope to see your revised essay posted here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / It took me a lot of years to realize that the person influencing me the most was my father. Intro. [5]

Joshua, the introduction is fine but I will not say it's strong.

The prompt is asking for a figure that influenced you, I believe the best approach is not to talk about human beings in general,
start by describing your father as he is the person who influenced you the most.
His traits, words of wisdom, actions that you want to imitate and gestures that you want to
copy or do the same way. It's better to write an essay that is direct to the point and answers the prompt
right away rather than giving a whole new meaning of the word and then going back at it, save your other ideas for the next prompts that

you will have because, for sure, there will still be a lot more to come.

I hope you follow through and post not only the introduction but the entire prompt when you can.

Undergraduate / Dance Relationship - intended major; 1st UC prompt [3]

Kyra, I'd like to add a little editing in your essay.

- Of all the ways to identify themy self,
- I choose a dancer- a "hobby" , for little dreaming girls in tutus,
- one that I've containedpossess since I was small.

- My parents fondly repeatremember one story,
- of me in preschool in which the teacher planned out a music and dance time.

- This point was driven home quite when( what do you exactly mean by this phrase, because otherwise it can be emiminated)

- with the passion I hold and deep interest
- I hope to further develop my relationship with dancedancing .

So, Kyra the corrections above are my suggestions, I believe there's quite a lot of work to be done in your essay and it's workable, for future reference, refrain from using weak words, words such as "but" and direct translation as this does not help your essay at all.

Undergraduate / I thought she was DEAD - [UC Prompt 2] [14]

Tonya, as I read through your essay, it's as if I was reading a dramatic script for a film, it's full of details, creatively written and full of hope that life will be better in the end.

I believe you have managed to answer the prompt thoroughly and even if your word count is somehow a little too much, this is an easy fix, you just have to create a streamline of the ideas that you would like your essay to follow and eliminate unnecessary phrases or words that are not that important to cover your essay but make sure that the thought and the idea that you would like to convey on your essay is still there.

Looking at it in the format perspective, I believe you were able to come up with a good enough number of paragraph that backs up your essay and make it more appealing to the ruling panel of admissions staff.

Well, that's about it for me, should you need more assistance do let us know, EF will be here.

Research Papers / Persuasive Research Essay for ENG 200 "NASA: Why We Must Continue Exploring" [4]

Robert, you made quiet a following here and it's very true that your essay is very well written.
A few editing needs to be done but this is rather minor and you just have to follow the remarks above
and it will be perfect.

The difference you made on this essay is that you made sure that a normal reader will understand the purpose of your essay,
the terminologies that you used to describe in your paper is comprehensive and up to the level that is acceptable as to writing
a very scientifically inclined paper.

You also made sure that the paragraph and how you present the research is not crowded and not segmented.
Somehow you also managed to make a research paper with NASA as a topic that is very uplifting and creative,
to the point that every reader can grasp the message of the paper.

I wish you good luck and keep writing!!!

Undergraduate / The moment I opened up myself. -overcoming autism- [5]

Hi Shuto, I'd like to share my insights for the first two paragraphs of your essay.

First paragraph
-Many of my American friends seemed to be nevernot afraid of stating their opinions in front of others.
- It was time to say goodbye to myself in the past.

2nd paragraph
- I hated talking withto people.
- I couldn't stand even a slight change in my daily liferoutine ,
- I was oO nce , I panicked at the school
- However, I was, however, a "good" kid.

Shuto, the corrections above are just some of the remarks I made, I will get back to you to help out for the rest of the essay.

So far, what I noticed is your direct translation which you should try to avoid, this happens when you have an idea of what to write but

that idea is in your native language and how it transpires in English is rather odd, this is normal as English is not your native tongue and it's good to know that you are trying to be good at it.

I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Undergraduate / UIUC PROMPT-describe an incident that lead to your love for your major (COMPUTER PROGRAMMING) [3]

- Nevertheless,M uch to my aversion,
- words I hadn'thaven't had the faintest idea of.
- and thus forming millions of new words,whichthat thoroughly intrigued me.

- Travel ling ( mind your spelling, turn on spell checker all the time ) as a young kid,
- for scrabble transferredtranspired to programming instantaneously ,
- over one holiday as I watched my cousin brother( in the English language, a cousin is a cousin regardless of gender ) frustrated
- over his incapacitationinability to string a Java

- I realiz ed ( spelling again ) I gravitated towards programming
- in my eyes, it was almost a scrabble game in disguise.

Amin, kindly find additional corrections above, I know that you want to use big words on your essay, however it's not always the best way to do it.

Learn how to associate words properly in your sentences that will still keep it's appeal to the normal reader so much so to the panel of admissions officers.

Graduate / How I found my career ambition in Marketing and Communications- SOP for postgraduate application [8]

- the excitement of accomplishing aexciting project accomplishments on XX.com
- But also there are awkward and doomed times that I had to rush between events and kept making mistakes.( this sentence is absolutely not necessary)

- The lack ofeagerness to acquire systematic knowledge
- and the needs to re-think about the industry circle drives me to apply for a postgraduate study in your schoolthe institution .
- As an internationally-recognized school, your schoolinstitution, it's a dream place for me
- to have access to relevant knowledge
- I sincerely hope you could consider my eligibility for application and enroll me as a student of your program.It is an honor to be able to send my application to your institution and my great joy to be a part of it eventually.

Siqi, I believe the remark above is the final one, I hope you follow through and I should see the revised one soon.
Good luck!

Scholarship / I am targeting for the scholarship Erasmus Mundus school - Motivation Statement Guidelines [3]

Well Haris, to think of applying for a scholarship is already a challenge and to take on that first letter to write an essay that is your one shot to the scholarship is a rather daunting task, so here are some additional guidelines you might want to consider.

- research for similar work for the Erasmus Mundus Scholarship, this is not for you
to copy or anything because you know very well that you can do better than anyone else's work,
this is for you to have insights on what your essay is suppose to have.

- dedicate a good paragraph to showcase your inspiration and how this drive you to conquer the next level
- what can you do to help and contribute to your future community

Lastly inject a personal statement on your final paragraph to have that personal feel and authenticity.
When you're done, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Graduate / How I found my career ambition in Marketing and Communications- SOP for postgraduate application [8]

Hi Siqi, I'm back for the next 2 more paragraphs.

- In Year3During my 3rd year I took internship in the local
- Above all, I self- learned skills of creative planning,
-to help better fit into the jobs and better runenhance my own accountand be better at my job .
- Despite the fact I'm in math department, the topic of my final year dissertation was"The use and role of social media in driving innovation". In this research, the traits of socialized transmission inXX district were explored through conversations with dozens of industrial experts and professionals.( I'm not sure how beneficial the above statement is for your essay, the thing is it drags your essay out of focus and you have already worked hard to maintain the content of your essay to correspond to the prompt so I don't think if this is a good idea.)

- After graduation, I was aware that I still lackneed a lot more experience of this field.
- I postponed applying formy Master's degree
- and made all my way to worked in a relevant field.
- I also supporting social media team in brainstorming using my
- unique insight as an after 90s .
- To describe my effort, I'd like to quoteI gained a following from my supervisor,
and he said, quote, " Siqi is an innovative and passionate young lady with unique ideas and strong execution ability".

There you have it, the issue that I have in this paragraphs is that the words you use are correct however they are either not in the right place or not in the right format altogether, you have to seriously work on this as it's affecting your essay.