Graduate / Scholarly and research area(s) of interest, experiences that led to your preparation in the field [21]

Hi Shuting. Your statement is definitely taking shape by leaps and bounds. There are only a few areas of correction as I see it in this current version. These are minor corrections that should not affect the overall development of your statement. In fact, I believe taking these specific portions out will help to enhance the presentation on a more professional or academic scale. Let's work out the problems by paragraph.

In paragraph one, I would like you to be more specific in the statement about solving pollution problems. Since you mentioned China's problem early on the paragraph, mention it again at the end to remind the reader that you are doing this for China's improvement. If you can find a way, say something about an interest in developing a problem to pollution on a world-wide scale after you graduate from the PhD course.

Paragraph two should not indicate your responsibilities in the project in numerical form. That makes the paper look unprofessional. Just enumerate your duties in order of performance. The reviewer will be able to keep track of those duties himself. You did not perform so many duties that warranted a listing or bullet point presentation for the tasks so don't do it that way. The same advice applies to the work of the professor in paragraph 4.

In the last paragraph, you need to explain how and why UCLA became your university of choice for higher study. Was the choice based on their current research in the field? The work of a specific professor you hope to collaborate with? The kind of advanced laboratory that they offer their PhD students? Or maybe it has something to do with the kind of research networking you can do while attending the college? These are all reasons that you can turn to in an effort to explain why UCLA is your first choice school. These are necessary components in a statement of purpose.

Definitely end the essay on the most positive and hopeful note that you can. Your future plans, which hopefully can tie in with your PhD career at UCLA should help to boost the chances of your admission. I am looking forward to the further enhanced version of your essay at this point. By the way, what is the maximum word count? At this point, we should also start editing for word count compliance.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: too much exercises is bad for one's health, do u agree or disagree? [3]

Anh, since this is your first try at the writing task, I will not score you based on the writing band. The reason I will not do that is because I would like to concentrate on pointing our the shortcomings of your essay so you can take note of them for future improvement. These will be the parts that you should be sure to show improvement on when you complete your future writing tasks.

To start with, the introductory paragraph needs to be made stronger. Your paraphrasing of the prompt is not adequate enough. It is too short and does not supply the reviewer with a reference as to the discussion outline that will be undertaken in the essay. An example of an improved paraphrased introduction would be as follows:

While has often been said that exercise is good for the health, recent exercise trends have shown that the opposite of this belief may also be true. There is a growing public opinion that too much exercise could also be bad for one's health. As an observer of the growing exercise trend, I tend to agree that too much exercise could have negative effects on health. I will discuss my reasons for supporting this belief in the following paragraphs.

Kindly take note of the length of the paraphrased introduction. It must be at least 3 sentences long, properly sum up the meaning of the prompt, and deliver your discussion points for the succeeding paragraphs.

You need to practice dividing your paragraphs by placing a space between the discussion topics. The current format of the essay places undue stress on the reader's eyes. Keep in mind that you are also being scored on the presentation of the essay so make sure to add spaces to allow the reader's eyes to breath in between statements. It also helps in the comprehension of your work and allows the reader to easily refer back to certain information within the paragraphs.

Make sure to write a full 5 paragraphs in order to deliver the required number of paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a minimum of 3 sentences, maximum of 5. You will need to adjust the content of your current paragraphs in order to meet this highly specific requirement of the writing task format.

Please always remind yourself that your opinion is not considered the conclusion of the essay. Rather, it is considered either the 3rd of 4th paragraph. So that means you need to be able to provide acceptable information in support of your opinion. Do not rely on a simple concluding statement to represent your opinion and conclusion. You will definitely loose points for that.

As for the conclusion, you need not make it complicated. It is simply the same as your opening statement. You should conclude by simply saying something similar to:

To conclude this essay it is important to take note of the fact that the evidence previously presented in this essay strongly supports the discussion that...

Cover your writing task requirements in the aforementioned manner and I guarantee that you will get at least 6 on your band score in all 4 sections of scoring.

Writing Feedback / Children's access to computer games - improve my writing skill [3]

John, for starters, your opening statement has a redundancy because you stated your opinion twice in the paragraph. You only need to state that once. What you should have done, was increase the amount of overview information that you presented after the paraphrasing of the prompt. Presenting a summary of the upcoming discussion would have helped to not only avoid redundancy, but also provided a better focus for the reader in terms of being able to follow your flow of thought and discussion.

When you quote information your essay such as "according to recent reports", you need to be able to mention who mentioned, the information and why, along with where you got the information. Otherwise, it becomes hearsay and weakens the essay. Hearsay means that there is no actual source of the information so it should not be deemed as true and verified. It is best if you just keep the information in this type of essay limited to your personal experience or knowledge. That way your task accuracy score is not affected.

Then we have the problem of you mentioning schools in the concluding statement of the essay. The schools were never part of the original prompt information and therefore, should not be included in any of your paragraphs. Add to that the fact that you should not have presented the resolution to the problem as your concluding statement.

The resolution should have been another paragraph in the essay. Ideally, it should have been the 4th paragraph with the 5th paragraph representing the summation of the prompt, discussion, plan of action, and your opinion. Keep in mind that no new ideas can be presented in the conclusion as there is not enough room to continue developing the discussion if it becomes necessary to do so in order to close the essay.

Writing Feedback / Popularity of the specialist, grammar and voluntary-controlled schools on three periods [3]

Ichaa, it is important for you to continuously represent the type of school in your summary. Specially in your last paragraph where you mention the digits for 2009. It seems that you decided to get sloppy and just gloss over the information by giving a worded overview instead of presenting the actual 2009 figures. For accuracy purposes, the essay must present all of the pertinent data until the very end of the summary. Otherwise, the summary becomes less informative and the process inaccurate.

Additionally, the last 2 paragraphs do not meet the minimum sentence requirement of 3 sentences per paragraph. You can easily resolve that issue by turning your commas into periods. Thus making a new sentence for each presentation rather than making it one continuously related sentence, which is what the comma creates in the sentences.

Undergraduate / Another late night at the hospital. Constructive Advice Needed on Nursing Program Entrance Essay [2]

Chloe, what is the maximum word count for this essay? Your work seems quite rushed and unfocused at this point. Were you paying more attention to keeping within the word limit rather than the content of the essay? It seems like that is what you were doing in this draft. Anyway, the essay can be better focused if you apply certain specific changes to the essay. BTW, are you already a nurse? Or do you work in a hospital in some capacity? Let me know what your hospital background is because we might be able to integrate it as an important part of this response.

So, back to the specific changes. Skip the first 2 sentences that describe your activities after getting home from the hospital. That is irrelevant to the presentation. The main focus should be on your aunt and how you cared for her because that is the experience that you are bringing to the table as a future nurse. Explain how you ended up taking care of her. Skip the part about you being in high school. Just focus on how you dealt with the caregiver situation and why you had to handle it that way. Don't mention the family anymore. They are not the focus of the essay. In fact, the only reason that I am allowing you to present your aunt in the story is because the lessons you learned tie in directly to your role as a caretaker for her.

The rest of the essay that relates to the discussion of compassion and caring for the sick is exactly the kind of response that fits with this essay prompt so keep all of those parts. Just edit the aforementioned portions which, I believe will help you develop a more focused and applicable response.

Undergraduate / How my inability to speak has affected me in negative ways [6]

Definitely a better presentation and a good attempt at a significant transition sentence. However, I believe that that is an even better way to transition your statement. Please refer to my example below:

My parents knew that my silence was something they could expect from me. My silence was a form of winning for them because of our religious beliefs. Our religion dictated the utmost of respect for our elders. Therefore, my silence was a way of honoring my parents wishes and respecting our religious beliefs. At least, that is what my parents choose to believe and I let them continue to believe that. In truth, religion does play vital role in my life and has successfully helped me to integrate my Indian culture in my current life.

Unfortunately, religion is also one of the major reasons that I am bullied by people outside my family. Specifically, from the xenophobes around me who believe that making fun of me because of my religion and cultural traditions is alright, because I choose to keep silent about it.

Do you see how the transition sentence at the end of the paragraph leads directly into the continuing transition in the new paragraph before you introduce the actual topic for discussion in the paragraph? That is the smooth transition that you should strive to present to the reader in order to make the change in topic almost flawless while your essay is being read.

Writing Feedback / There are some conflicting theories on the subject - Who did discover America? [2]

Septia, your information presentation is confusing and does not allow the reader to accurately follow your flow of discussion. This happened because you made a mistake in your second sentence presentation. The main question that creates a glaring flaw in your summary is "Who is Zuan Chabotto?". This is followed up by "When did he travel to the Americas?". Finally, "Was he recorded in history as being the first one to land on America?" More importantly, what criteria was used in the research article to assess who rightly discovered America? Was it based on who landed first? Or who named the country and claimed it for his mother country?

The sentence development in the overall essay is not really good. It causes stress for the reader because it leaves one with more questions rather than answers because of the fact that your summary lacks key information which were contained in the original source. The explanation of the discovery of the letter is so wanting that it is obvious that there is a lack of understanding on your part. You need to practice more of your listening skills and seek the advice of your instructor regarding how to better recognize key words and essential parts within written text.

Always review your work before submission. If you find that you cannot understand certain parts, then go back to the original if you still can and look for the additional information to clarify your essay. It is of the utmost importance that you present accurate information in your essay because the examiner knows what to look for and that will have an effect on your final score.

Writing Feedback / You can't Hide from Government Hacking [2]

Mushon, please remember to refer to the country that is being reported about in the summary. When summarizing a report based upon a country or location, it must be mentioned in the summary in order to answer the "Where?" question. All the more it must be mentioned because you are not a resident of the United States of America and therefore, should not make it sound like the ruling in question affects you when it does not. That is a misrepresentation that creates an inaccuracy in your report. Therefore, the U.S. Department of Justice established a law that allowed law enforcement officials to hack U.S. based computers, not wherever a person is.

Pay attention to the tense usage in your essay. Since these reports have already happened and you are merely summarizing the information, the correct tense usage would be "past" tense. In addition to that, your lexical resource is really quite faulty in this essay. For example, "judgers" should be "judge" as you are referring to the position of authority and not an act of judgement. "Plant" should be "planting" since it refers to the act of placing something in a position of use.

It would seem like you have a pretty good grasp of the issue being discussed. The main problem we have here lies in your lexical resource and grammatical accuracy sections. I suggest that you pay particular attention to those sections in your next essays.

Writing Feedback / In my country-Taiwan, many high schools encourage students to be a volunteer. [2]

Arlen, in terms of task accuracy, the essay would possibly score a 5 for a number of reasons. With regards to Task Accuracy, the problems with your work are as follows:

1. While you generally address the prompt in an acceptable paraphrase, there is no clear overview to your essay because there is no introductory data to support your stance.

2. While you discussed certain important parts of the essay, it is not properly developed within the paragraph so there is no clear purpose for the discussion being presented at certain times within the essay.

With regards to coherence and cohesion, you could score a maximum of 4 because:
1. There is no logic or coherence to the way that you have your paragraphs set up.
2. The progression of the discussion is affected by your lack of properly arranged ideas even though you are presenting somewhat correct information within the paragraph.

3. There is an obvious lack of properly used cohesive devices.

In terms of your lexical resource, expect another 4 based upon:
1. An obvious limited vocabulary range which could have been better helped by the presence of a dictionary or thesaurus while you were developing your essay.

2. Your inability to form simple, understandable sentences really caused your self-expression to be incomprehensible to the reader. Hence, there as no way to properly understand what you were trying to explain in some paragraphs, specifically paragraph 2.

3. The passages were not easy to understand and left the reader wondering as to what you were actually trying to say due to the lack of proper word usage in developing your sentences / paragraphs.

Grammar accuracy and range in my opinion would only be a 4. Reasons for this are as follows:
1. There is a limited range of sentence structures presented in the essay. The sentences often do not follow the proper sentence development rules.
2. The errors in sentence development are simply too numerous. The grammatical errors contained in the essay make it extremely difficult for the reader to understand what you are trying to say even after having read the passage twice or 3 times.

Undergraduate / I come from a family of chefs- MIT essay [8]

Alvin, while I admire the way that your family has influenced your desire to become a chef and strongly support you in your quest. I am not sure if this is the right way to approach this essay for you. Mostly because it seems like you were already able to sum up the method by which your dreams and aspirations were shaped by your family members and community in one paragraph. It would be really hard for you to expand upon this discussion within 200-250 words at this point. As an overview or list of topics for discussion within the full essay, you can use this work that you have come up with. Expand upon each portion within a single paragraph as best as you can in accordance with the prompt expectations. Don't bunch your grandmother and parents into one discussion paragraph.

In order to expand upon the content, it would be best if you could deviate from the culinary aspect of your upbringing by presenting a more personal side to the way your family and community shaped your personality. Aside from the desire to become a chef, how else did they influence you to become an upstanding member of the community? Perhaps there are certain character traits from each individual that you see in yourself because you were influenced towards that slant. Don't limit your dreams and aspirations to simply the culinary aspect. Look at your overall development as a person (e.g. your outlook about the world, your plans for your future, why you want to become an even better person based on their influence, etc.). Then write about those topics as complete paragraphs.

It will be easier for us to help you edit and revise the essay once can share your completed work with us. I look forward to reading the complete draft of your essay soon. You have a good start, you just need to revise the content to make it work better for your needs.

Undergraduate / How my inability to speak has affected me in negative ways [6]

Babu, your numerous paragraphs about how silence has negatively affected you are engaging and enlightening. However, there is a sudden change of topic within the essay from the point where you were dealing with your parents to when you dealt with your friends. Don't shock the reader that way. As the reader comes across the sudden shift in discussion, the reader will think that there is a missing link between the two paragraphs because the reader will be confused by the sudden shift in presentation. You can avoid this problem by properly presenting a transition sentence at the end of your story about your parents, slowly introducing the religious aspect of your respect for them and as the reason for your silence. Then present a transition paragraph that will inform the reader that the next story, will be about the treatment you receive from your friends. Then you can present the story about the bullying. Transition sentences are of vital importance because it helps the reader keep track of the stories you are sharing and allows you to better present your story in a manner than can be recalled by the reader.

Scholarship / Characterize a personality which has added enthusiasm within your own life [4]

Okoh, this is a good outline for your essay but it is not the right way to start the essay. What you have done is outlined the traits of your mother which has provided you with an inspiration within your own life. From this list, you have to develop full paragraphs that will better explain these traits and how you were inspired these characteristics of your mother. So one trait = 1 paragraph. I count at least 5 character traits in this overview so you should have at least 5, well developed paragraphs in your response. Keep track of the word count though and make sure you don't go under or over the required number of words.

Let me also tell you that you should never make reference to your childhood in an essay. It is always best to leave the essay age neutral when you are discussing someone or something because "childhood" starts from the age of 1 and reviewers would rather that you pick responses that show a sense of maturity, understanding, responsibility, and logic when referring to ages in your essay. They do not like it when you use terms such as "Right from when I was a child" or "As far as I can remember". Simply state that "My mother has been my inspiration in life." That is more age neutral and acceptable as a neutral age reference.

Book Reports / My favorite fictional character [2]

Manar, how many paragraphs are you allotted for this essay? Your presentation needs work because you have written the equivalent of only one paragraph. Your thoughts are disconnected in the essay due to the under developed topic sentences and lack of transition statements between the paragraphs that could have helped to better establish the discussion topics per paragraph.

Did you actually read the Peter Pan books? Or did you watch the cartoon? There are some glaring errors in your statement that shows how little you actually know about the full story aside from the commonly known information. For instance, in the cartoon, Peter Pan invited Wendy and her siblings to Neverland. So you are wrong to say that he only helps boys. The boys that Peter Pan helped in Neverland are known as the Lost Boys. When you describe your favorite fictional characters, make sure to properly refer to the information in the movie/ book / tv special / or cartoon. Peter Pan is known for his child-like disposition, that is why he rarely gets mad and treats his enemies like playmates rather than adversaries.

Truth be told, there are a lot of problems with your description of your favorite character because you are not truly familiar with the story, Peter Pan's character, and the supporting characters that helped to make him your "favorite" character. Due to the wrong information or lacking information in the description of Peter Pan, it is obvious that you did not really familiarize yourself with the character. Your teacher, who is highly familiar with the story will see this in your work and give you a not so good grade that will reflect the kind of haphazard work that you did in this book report.

Writing Feedback / I strongly argue that learning a new language is very important for kids in their earliest stages [2]

Abib, you would only get a 3 on the task accuracy score for this essay because you not only did not present the paraphrased prompt correctly in the opening statement, you also did not accurately discuss the topic of the essay. There is a big difference in the discussion of early language learning in school starting at early grades and studying languages at the earliest stages. There are no proper supporting discussions presented in the essay so it is obvious that you did not understand the requirements of the question properly. Your English comprehension skills are graded in the task accuracy and you immediately failed it. I doubt that you would get better scores in the other 3 criteria because you already failed the most important part.

I suggest that you try to write a new, more prompt responsive essay based on the same prompt. When you are not sure of what the prompt is asking you to do, it won't hurt to ask someone who has better English skills than you for clarification. The practice test stage is the best time to make these mistakes so you can adjust your learning needs accordingly. In this case, you need to concentrate more on your English understanding / comprehension skills so that you can write the correct response to the question.

Writing Feedback / English Essay: Persuasive Essay on Lying [4]

Rose, actually, your paper is not properly representing the discussion of lies. You say that there are times when lying is justifiable, I will admit that there are situations when that is correct. The problem is, you are not properly categorizing lies in your essay. You speak of white lies only as the focus of your essay. In order to properly support your opinion, you should have used the more professional types of lies which are as follows:

1. Lies of Commission - This is when someone tells something that is not a fact. This is also known as twisting the truth.
2. Lies of Omission - Is when you leave out an important part of information. This is usually easier to tell for people because it entails only telling half the truth.

Had you used the correct professional classification of lies in support of your evidence, the essay would have become more authoritative and shown that you did deeper research for this paper instead of just using the first result that turned up in a Google search.

Graduate / Evaluate profile for MS in Data Science Fall 2017 [5]

Pallaw, this still isn't going to work for your application. Your statement of purpose paragraph is confusing and does not clearly represent your purpose for applying. Your research inspiration should be presented as a separately developed paragraph that explains the reason behind your purpose. What is your research thesis? Why is it relevant to your purpose? How will your education at this university help you achieve those goals? I don't read any response to these questions that are standard questions for the development of your statement of purpose. You need to revise your opening statement based upon the previously stated concerns.

With regards to your research presentation. You have to consider your work experience in relation to what your thesis / research paper may be. Look at the flaws of the field you are working in in relation to data mining. Consider your college thesis question. Does your college thesis have any relation with your interest and desire to do more research in data mining at this point in your career? It would be beneficial to your essay if you can show a solid foundation for your interest in this field stemming from your college days.

That type of discussion will provide an insight into the type of continuing education that you are hoping to achieve by enrolling in this masters class. Normally, the interest in research for a masters degree comes from two places, the college thesis and the current work experience. See if you can find a way to combine those two in order to develop a proper thesis statement for your MS studies. That will be the anchor upon which you will stake your MS education. If your thesis statement is impressive enough, along with your work experience, and college education, you just might catch the reviewer's eye. Additionally, you can focus on how the university can help you achieve that status? Mentioning their abilities as an educational institution and expressing a desire to work with some of their specific professors, whose research aligns with yours will also help your paper.

Your five year plan needs to be more detailed. How do you hope to climb the professional ladder within that time in order to achieve your goal? How do you see yourself advancing the data mining field within 5 years? Be specific. Don't just present a generalized plan that obviously shows that you do not have a developed study and career plan for your immediate career upon graduation.

Needless to say, you still have not developed a usable foundation for your essay. I hope that you will be able to do more than just develop the foundation for your proper statement of purpose using the guidelines I have set before you.

Graduate / Scholarly and research area(s) of interest, experiences that led to your preparation in the field [21]

Shuting, thank you for the vote of confidence. I admire your trust in me and my advice. I hope to never fail you and to continue helping you achieve your dream of getting into your first choice PhD university. By the way, you can always work out having your essay deleted from the system with the admin so that you can avoid any possible plagiarism after we are done editing your work. So, let's get started shall we?

It would be best if you combined your paragraphs about your motivation and purpose for enrolling this course. The motivation and purpose are synonymous and are best presented in a combined paragraph at all times. That way you clearly explain the motive behind your purpose and, from the very start, display a career or educational goal that you have set for yourself.

This being a PhD essay, it would be best if you concentrate your experience only on the work that you did in relation to your masters degree dissertation. Normally, your next round of research should be a step above the previous work that you did. So, in order to accurately reflect the development of your skills, in relation to your preparation for the Phd course, it would be best for you to detail the specifics of that research. Start with the question then proceed to explain the method of research and results of the research. This will adequately show the reviewer how you have prepared to take on the demands of a PhD course. Needless to say, the project experience should be integrated into this presentation as well.

When you refer to specific professors and their research, note how your own previous and current / future research work ties in directly with the current work the professor is doing. If you can create a seamless connection between the two projects, the reviewer may give your application higher consideration.

Work on presenting your essay in a fluid, conversational manner. Don't divide it into discussion topics by outline the way you have now. This is still a formal interview on your part so it should come across as you presenting information to the reviewer in an almost interview sort of way. Break it into connected paragraphs with transition sentences, not into numbered outlines.

I think that if you reformat the essay in the manner I suggested, you will find that you do not need too many words in order to deliver the prompt requirements. You will have an essay that is informative and just the right length for the reviewer to finish reading in just the right amount of time.

Undergraduate / I was excited to learn about the Liberal Studies Core Program at NYU. "Why NYU" Writing Supplement [5]

The first part of your essay is just a rehash of the well known information about NYU and can be found within any blog, website, or youtube search. It is generic in information and doesn't really stand out as unique reasons to wish to attend NYU. This review applies to the first half of your statement. So you should remove the first half of your current statement and only present the second half that deals with your desire to attend NYU because you were drawn to their progressive values, etc.

Develop your response to the statement on a more personal note. Strive to project a genuine interest in enrolling at NYU based upon a personal and academic development that you feel you can only gain at the university. Activities and student organizations that you may enjoy participating in at the university could also fall under this category unless there is a prompt regarding pursuing your intellectual interests at the university that you should respond to separately.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart below shows the estimated sales of jeans for two companies next year in Turkey. [7]

Another word of advice, I suggest that you read the online English business newspapers. Focus on the news articles relating to sales, projections, and other related information. Take note of how they present their information and what information they deem vital to their reports. Try to emulate their style in your writing because the charts, diagrams, and other information that you summarize for these report summary essays are similar in presentation and content. That should help you to develop your writing style in this area as well.

You can call my attention if you need to Mohammed. I will respond when I can. Please just be patient and wait for my response because I may not always be at the computer when you post your essay. The other students and contributors will also make their own suggestions for your improvement though so make sure to consider their advice as well. I will always review your essay even if there are other reviews already there. If I do not respond in an acceptable time frame, please call my attention to it. I might not see it at once as there are multiple essays posted for review at any given time so I might not notice your work immediately.

Graduate / Scholarly and research area(s) of interest, experiences that led to your preparation in the field [21]

Shuting, the rule of thumb for a statement of purpose is that it has a maximum word count of 750 unless otherwise specified. Keep in mind though, that the maximum word count is not the target here. Your essay need not be too wordy or descriptive in order to be informative. You can actually write 600 words and have a pretty solid statement of purpose to present for consideration.

Try to avoid duplicating the content of your statement of purpose with the other essays that you will be submitting. I assume that you were also required to submit a letter of motivation along with your statement of purpose right? Therefore, you need only concentrate on an convincing presentation for your purpose in that paragraph. Duplicating information makes the essay not only repetitive but unnecessarily long so reviewers often appreciate non- duplication of content.

As for describing your scholarly and research area of interest, be sure to present the question that you wish to respond to during the duration of your studies. Explain your perceived importance and relevance of this research for future use in this field of study in order to convince the reviewer of the future benefits of your research in the field.

The experience that you share in relation to your previous work or research should be more than enough for the reviewer to properly analyze your skills. You must refrain from over explaining your skills to the reviewer. Always let him be the judge of your skills based upon your work experience. One thing they hate is when the student runs long in the explanation in an effort to better explain his skills. Your description of your work or research experience should reflect the kind of development and skills that you have in this section. He can make his decision based upon the related experience that you present in this section.

Your future plans should cover a solid presentation of a 5 year career plan. Not just some general comment about your future plans. Right now, the information that you have shared with me makes me think (and I could be wrong) that you don't really have a solid career development plan covering your possible immediate short term goals. Strengthen this paragraph with a more solid, almost visual explanation.

As for the chronological order, I won't be able to judge that until I see the draft of the essay you have written. I cannot really advise you regarding the best way to present the information until I know what you have specifically developed for the essay. I hope you can trust us to read the essay draft that you have developed. That is, if you want our help regarding how to best present it to the reviewer. No pressure.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart below shows the estimated sales of jeans for two companies next year in Turkey. [7]

Hi Mohamed, after carefully reviewing your summary report for task, accuracy, coherence and cohesion, lexical accuracy, and grammar range and accuracy, it is my belief that you would score no higher than a 5 in all sections. This is because your essay, while informative, has problems in defining the time frame of the chart information.

There is a need for you to use time reference words consistently in the essay in order to clearly depict the time frame from the chart. Then, in the first paragraph, rather than mentioning the companies in a parenthesis, you should have mentioned them as part of the actual paragraph. That is because the names of the companies are an integral part of the summary and should never be placed in a parenthetical position because that makes it seem like an afterthought. Here is an example of a better developed presentation of your opening summary:

The chart depicts the estimates sales for the upcoming year for Mango Co. and Jack& Jones Co.. Both companies deal in the sales of jeans in Turkey. The projected monthly income for both companies are presented as a comparison in the chart , measured in units of thousands of pairs per month.

The above paragraph shows a wider range of vocabulary as the words estimated sales and projected monthly income refer to a time in the future, which is the setting for the summary report. Make sure to always be consisted in your time frame references. The rest of the essay is acceptable and accomplishes the required task.

Writing Feedback / The chart below gives data about the proportion of people who used the Internet from 1998 to 2000 [3]

Huyen, the overview of the essay as well the succeeding paragraphs are not in compliance with the required minimum number of sentences, that is a minimum of 3 sentences and a maximum of 5 sentences, in order to present what would qualify as a proper summary and overall discussion information presented in this essay.

There is an overall lack of expanded discussion within your essay which would result in your failing this essay test in an actual exam setting. When you do not meet the required minimum number of sentences per paragraph, you end up having a large part of your score lowered, In this instance, I believe you won't score higher than a 1 because you failed to properly develop a logical discussion for the charts presented within your essay. It is not enough to just present the information in essay form, you need to be able to at least, develop a simple discussion regarding the presented information. That is so that you can prove your comprehension and analytical skills to the examiner.

You could have done that in this essay using a comparison of the figures as provided in the chart. Sometimes, simply expanding upon a discussion allows the essay to develop a more cohesive and logical presentation. Please aim to do that in your next essay. I know you can do it.

Research Papers / All life on earth is dependent on the weather. Global Climate Change [2]

Hi BJ, you have your work cut out for you in this research paper. While it is quite informative and quotes academically acceptable resources, the actual focus and topic of the discussion is not made clear in your opening statement and your succeeding paragraphs. It is almost like you are trying to discuss 2 topics simultaneously in one essay. For a thesis statement, also known as the opening paragraph, you should make sure that the reader can clearly identify and understand the topic / premise of your discussion. Right now, you are voicing out an opinion, without really presenting a clear discussion topic for the overall essay. By the way, please don't end the paragraph with an exclamation point. It is just rude and academically unacceptable for you to do that.

Another point of academic writing violation on your part is in your final paragraph. You inserted another quote towards the end of the concluding paragraph. Please keep in mind that you are not allowed to close your essay with new information being presented in the concluding paragraph. That is because the concluding paragraph should only close the discussion either by repeating your topic and opinion or by asking the reading to develop his own opinion. How you close the essay will depend upon the purpose of the information you have presented.

Research Papers / How to Prevent Diabetes. Measures That Can Be Used To Prevent this disease. [2]

Jacqueline, I know that you have the thesis statement in the "How to Prevent Diabetes" section of your research, The title of the section actually tells the reader the topic that the research paper will be looking into. That said, you still have to clearly spell out your thesis statement in the last sentence of the topic introduction. Something as simple as "This paper will look into methods by which the 3 types of diabetes can be prevented through weight management, regular exercise, regular clinical check-ups, and other related preventive measures." By doing this, you allow the reader a clear overview of what topics and the order of discussion will be presented in the succeeding parts of the research paper.

Additionally, you should look into the success rate of the preventive measures you are presenting in the essay. While your theoretical presentation is sound, the strength of the practical application, along with the authoritative voice of your paper will mostly come from the presentation of verified or verifiable data (in the form of results) for each preventive type discussion.

Those are the only 2 points that I believe need to be strengthened in your work so that you can have a chance of getting a higher score with your research. Don't get me wrong, your essay is already good. However, I think that my suggestions can help you make it even better.

Research Papers / Why Deaf Culture Should Gain More Recognition [2]

Geoffrey, I am not sure if your teacher has told you this but you have not properly presented your thesis statement in this essay. The clarity of the topic is lost because your first sentence doesn't really make much sense. You have to clarify that you were a year and a half when your brother was born deaf. There is a redundancy and lack of clarity in that statement so you should review it for a better presentation. Next, you are never supposed to present a quotation in the thesis statement. That is an academic violation and will result on a large deduction of points in your final grade.

More importantly, the essay has more than 30 percent of quotes. Once this essay is run through a plagiarism checker by your teacher, it will immediately by flagged for plagiarism. You should strive to always paraphrase but never in successive paragraphs or multiple times within the same paragraph.

Your essay loses focus towards the middle. Do you want to discuss deaf discrimination or the right of the deaf to opt for a cochlear implant? I believe that your essay will be better if you present the cochlear implant discussion as part of your thesis statement at the start. That way it becomes part of the reason for the discrimination discussion.

Overall, you have chosen a very interesting and under represented discussion to present in your essay. It is very informative and allows the professor to get to know a personal side of you that would not be visible in class. While the essay has its strengths, it is the weaknesses that I wish to have you focus on because improving those parts will allow you to gain a better grade in this class.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master Degree admission; could anybody review it and help to make it shorter? [12]

Parjo, you should save the discussion about helping the small businesses for your statement of purpose. That is one of the purposes that you have for further study and will be better discussed in that essay prompt. This essay should reflect more of your personal reasons for wishing to pursue these studies. That is why it is called a motivation letter.

The motivating factor for your desire for higher study is personal, the fact that your parent's store front burned down and they lost almost everything related to their business. As their child, your full concentration should be on helping them recover. That is the strong motivating factor that you have. The desire to help the other small businesses is only secondary and as such, isn't the strongest motivation that you have for aspiring to have a masters degree. Think about it. Isn't the main reason for your study the fact that you want to help your parents bring their business online internationally? So they are your priority. The family business comes first, the others, second. The primary motivation is the family business.

If it were up to me, I would just focus on the personal motivation in this letter since you have a true personal interest in the matter. However, if you wish to add the small business concern, then go ahead. Let's see how you plan to work it in and I'll see if there is anything that I should do to improve it.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master Degree admission; could anybody review it and help to make it shorter? [12]

[Moved from]: Motivation Letter for applying Master degree - could everybody give inputs to enhace it?

Hey Parjo, I adjusted the content of your essay to be more closely aligned with a motivational letter. I trust that I covered all of the important information in your original work so you only have to add a paragraph that explains why you decided to seek enrollment at this university in particular. Continue your development of the essay from the last paragraph I have below:

I have been engaged our family business ever since I learned to compute the sales total of our clients on a calculator. My parents have always believed that starting a child young in the family business creates a greater sense of ownership, accomplishment, and a desire to see the business continue to grow over the years. I am the embodiment of that idealogy. That is the reason why I decided to study Business Management in college and also the reason why I feel a sense of duty, obligation, and responsibility to take our family business into the 21st century.

Unfortunately, my parents storefront, located in the Johar Market burned down some time ago. This was when I was awakened to the fact that my parents business, being concentrated more on the local market is what caused our business recovery after the incident to slow down to almost no progression. We needed to find a better market for our sales, a bigger target crowd that would increase our sales. However, without a storefront, I knew it would be difficult. That is when I turned my attention to International Business studies and the possiblity of increasing our market share through non-storefront international sales. I decided that now would be the best time for us to go global. In order to do so, I will need to complete higher studies with an MS in International Business. This is the motivation that pushes me to complete higher studies.

By completing my degree abroad, I will be able to get an actual feel of the international business market and the pulse of trends in our particular line of sales. I will be able to create my international business network through relationships with my classmates as well be able to create an international business strategy for our business.

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

Mualla, if you want to further cut down the essay word count, you can also remove the reference to How you searched other books for the way to help the kids. Instead you can just say:

The answer to my question came one day as I was watching my sisters...

By removing the reference you having to do research, the essay becomes more focused and offers an instant highlight to the method by which you discovered the answer. The attention is immediately called to the solution and as such, makes the reviewer get to the point of your essay earlier than the previous versions. That makes your work better as well. That is my last suggestion for the improvement of your essay. Good luck with your application. Let us know how it goes.

Graduate / My Personal Statement for M.A in Teaching, Learning, and Technology [2]

Kairun, a personal statement should be used to present yourself to the reviewer. Mostly, it should speak of the development of your interest in this field of study. It should not contain references to your educational attainment in college, your work experience, and other profession related information. Those types of data are best suited for a Statement of Purpose. So, when you revise your personal statement, make sure to use the following data from your original work in developing it:

1. References to your dreams of becoming a teacher in high school.
2. Your plans as an educator and educational researcher
3. The reasons why you desire to attend University of Nottingham.
4. Explain why you believe that your course of study cannot be adequately completed in your home country.
5. Present an eager desire to attend the University of Nottingham during the upcoming semester as your concluding statement.

These are the more pertinent information that should be presented in a personal statement. If you are writing a combination personal statement and statement of purpose, you will have to tell me so that I can adjust the advice to cover both bases in the best manner within the essay. Thanks.

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

Hi Mualla, the essay is almost ready to go. Please proofread the essay for grammatical errors as there are some issues regarding that at the moment. Here are a few that I noticed:

Par. 2 - In the portion that says "I refused to accept that fate for these students" say instead "I refused to accept that fate for them".

Par. 3 - Replace the word "candle" with "candy". I believe that was just a typographical error on your part because you still said that you gave a chocolate bar to the winner. So obviously you meant "candy" and not "candle". Better yet, say "chocolate bar" instead. That way there is a continuity in the term usage in the paragraph.

- Don't say "compensation" as that implies that you paid them for the work they did. Since they are students whom you were teaching, it would be better to say "rewarded" instead.

Those are the more marked mistakes that I saw. These adjustment should make the essay ready for use unless there are other adjustments you would like to make or try.

Undergraduate / I love making smoothies; they make me happy-Supplements for Yale and Tufts [3]

Mualla, here is the thing, you cannot use the same essay to respond to two different prompts from two different schools. Believe it or not, there are times when the universities double check your essay submissions to make sure that you have written an original essay just your application to their school. So it is always best to develop a specific essay for a specific prompt. Just a word of advice on my part, if you want to proceed with using one essay for two school prompt then that is what should be done.

In order to make this essay work for your two prompts there is still some extra work to be done on your part. Before you submit this essay to either schools, you will need to adjust the content to project the keyword that the prompt gives. So for Yale, it is "love to do" and for Tufts "makes you happy". Remember, what you love to do, "Make smoothies" may not bring you "joy" in life. The two are not necessarily synonymous. While both essays have the same end result, meaning your enjoyment and self-fulfillment in the completion of the activity, you need to change the information from still being academic in nature, to something that gives you that sense on a personal level not related to learning. The response should be something that relates to a method by which you unwind after a hard day at school or just simple relaxing during the weekend. The activity should help you recharge your energies, not make you spend more of it because of academics.

The prompts have another thing in common. They allow the reviewer to get to know the non-academic side of you. How do you have fun? What kind of person are you when you are not studying? Is there a side of you that can help to enhance the campus through extra curricular activities and the like? In other words, what you love to do and what gives you joy, need not always be academic in nature. If you can reflect that side of yourself, we might be better able to develop the response for your in two schools.

I don't advice taking shortcuts in responding to the prompts. I know it can get tedious, but then these essays were meant to test, along with your written skills, your patience as well. The more schools that you apply to, the more original essays you will have to write. That's just how it is.

Writing Feedback / GMAT ESSAY: CITY'S FUNDS FOR SUPPORTING THE ARTS SHOULD BE REALLOCATED TO PUBLIC TELEVISION [2]

Quach, I know that the GMAT essays as scored in increments. However, I would rather just use the baseline scoring system for your work because I am not privy to the other considerations that the professional reviewers have when considering the final essay score. In my honest opinion, I believe that your essay would score with a baseline score of 3 but still lower than a 4. That is because the essay you developed has certain marked flaws that showed a problem in your ability to review the instant information that was delivered to you. What are your major problem points?

For starters, you have to remember to use all of the key points that are delivered for your use in the prompt. In this instance, you were provided with actual figures regarding the attendance at museums and yet, you failed to properly utilize that information in the essay. The constant use of unsubstantiated references in your own discussion, while the references ti support some of your claims existed in the original discussion presentation is one of the weakest points of your analysis.

Due to the weak analysis of the data provided, you were limited in your ability to develop a logical and organized method of presenting your ideas. This led to opinions and analysis that had little value in the overall consideration of your discussion. Adding the problems with sentence structure and variety further lowered the accuracy of your discussion. There were also issues regarding the grammar use in the essay. For example, using the term "living art shows" when you meant "watching art shows" changes the meaning of the sentence and the logic behind your statement.

Scholarship / Energy of knowledge pushes me forward. Why would you be a great participant in Global UGRAD Program? [2]

Khasan, the essay is not really strong enough for consideration as a candidate at this point. It is actually very wordy and long winded but it doesn't offer a proper response to the question of what makes you a great participant the Global UGrad Program. There is no mention of special skills, talents, or traits that would tell the reviewer that you deserve one slot among the thousands of participants in a program that takes in only 250 participants a year. You have to strengthen the application by writing a new essay.

In the new essay, you should concentrate on discussing how you plan to use your current academic background in furthering your academic skills and intellect during your semester abroad. That means that you have to present your strongest points as a student that goes beyond the GPA. Consider the programs and activities that the program provides and explain how you plan to participate in these events, such as community service, in order to broaden your horizons in terms of learning about cultural and racial diversity. As an English student, explain how you plan to develop a research paper based upon a relevant topic while participating in the program. TOEFL is not a good plan for research. That is a test that you have to take and pass in order to study in the U.S. It is not something that directly relates to your major. I would suggest looking into research about the history of Uncle Tom's Cabin and its writer, Harriet Stowe. This is an anti-slavery piece that will help you better understand the cultural diversity that exists in the U.S.

You have to sell yourself in this essay. Sell yourself using skills and a keen interest in learning about the diversity of the world based upon the American society and the culturally diverse members of the program through an active cultural exchange system offered by the program. Perhaps a little research into the background and objectives of the program will help you to better revise your essay.

Scholarship / Study plan for MS in Structural Engineering from Yokohama national University Japan [3]

Muhammad, your essay does not qualify as a study plan. The content of your essay is more of an academic biography rather than a plan of study once you are admitted to Yokohama National University in Japan. While about 85 percent of this essay is not applicable to the requirements and expectations of the prompt, there is a section that you can rehash for use in the more aligned essay that you will be writing.

For your new opening statement use the part of this work that starts with "To dedicate myself ..." That sounds like a pretty good opening statement because it introduces the background of your interest in this particular major. You can follow it up with "Just after the completion of my..." as your second paragraph. For your third paragraph, focus on the course curriculum of the masters course and other internship programs or training facilities that the university offers its students. This is where the study plan comes in.

Explain, in a summary form, what you hope to accomplish while you are a student at Yokohama. Focus on the facilities and academics that the university allows the students access to and explain how your future plans will benefit from exposure to these aspects of higher academic learning. Then delve into a discussion as to why you believe only Yokohama can offer you the kind or learning that you desire to have.

Then, in the conclusion, reiterate your excitement to attend the university and why you are looking forward to completing your studies there. These information will suffice for you to be able to develop a proper study plan.

By the way, my advice has room for adjustment. Kindly provide the full prompt requirement so that I can compare my advice to what the university requires of your written work. I may need to guide you regarding some adjustments if it becomes necessary to do so based upon the additional requirements of the essay prompt.

Undergraduate / I have never thought I would give a torn apart birthday card. [2]

David, I would appreciate it a lot if you can present us with the full prompt requirement as soon as possible. We need that instructions in its entirety so that we can properly asses the content of your essay. Without it, we are unsure as to what aspects to advice you to revise, edit, or remove. I hope you can post it soon. In the meantime, here is a general review of your essay.

The essay is asking you to depict an experience that demonstrates your character. The problem with your essay is that it focuses too much on your mother and her cancer battle. Even your own participation in the story shows the supporting role that you played next to the focal point of your essay, which is your mother, her cancer, and her treatment. Here lies the main problem of your essay.

The focus of the essay should be on how you dealt with the cancer. How the cancer of your mother helped you become an evolved person. Somehow, you should reflect a development or emergence of a side of you, a character trait, that you did not know you had before. Therefore, the revision of the essay should focus on developing your character in relation to the cancer.

I will be able to add more instructions and suggestions for the improvement of the essay as soon as I read the actual prompt requirements. I will acknowledge that there are grammar problems in the essay. Fixing the grammar should come last though. The highest priority at the moment, is making sure that your essay reflects the prompt requirements.

Research Papers / Science fiction presence in our life [2]

Siboney, there are one too many problems with this paper of yours. The format of the paper alone, the compressed words on the screen and lack of paragraph separation is only of the major problems of your paper. Please, do everyone a favor and separate your paragraphs. You know how to do that. It's one topic per paragraph, separated by a space in-between. You have to do that so that the eyes of the reader will be better able to follow the flow of the discussion and also, allow for comprehension of your work to set in before presenting a new but related topic.

With regards to your opening paragraph, we have a numbers of problems to address in order to fix it. First of all, you must always present the thesis or topic for discussion in this portion. It is a violation of academic writing rules to present a quotation immediately in the introductory paragraph. So you will need to restructure your opening statement to better reflect your discussion topic. It should not be located in the second paragraph as you have it now. Once you remove the quote / paraphrase in the paragraph, it will be effective as a thesis statement.

In order to make your discussion clearer, and so that you can avoid repeating yourself and just extending the discussion through quotations and movie references, you should try to outline your discussion topics first. What do I mean by outlining your discussion? You need open a fresh document in word and do the following in this format:

Thesis Statement: Describe what is it that you want to discuss in the essay. This is normally up to five sentences long. It is just a rough discussion of what you want to formally discuss in the essay.

1. Topic 1 discussion title
1.1. Evidence to be presented
1.2 Varying opinions
1.3 Additional discussions

2. Topic 2 discussion title
2.1 evidence
2.2 opinions
2.3 Additional discussions

... and so on and so forth. until you come to your concluding paragraph. A research paper based on this topic should not take more than 8 paragraphs at the most. By outlining your essay discussion first, you will be able to better analyze the true, important information to for your essay. Listing the chronological order of discussion beforehand will help you to avoid redundancies and irrelevant information/discussions. This is the way that research papers are best developed in an academic setting. Outline your thoughts and discussion process and then use it to guide you in the writing of the formal essay paper. You will find that it is easier to write the essay when done this way and also, helps you to keep the focus of the essay while offering the most concise discussion of the topic.

Undergraduate / Family is the most valuable thing in my heart - UT Austin topic A [5]

Hi Antonio. It is always best to focus on only one aspect of the prompt requirement when you write an essay. That is so that you will not only stay within the required word count, but also present a more focused discussion of the prompt. I realize that you may have a number of personal information that you wish to share with the reviewer. However, presenting more than one piece of properly developed information is difficult when you consider that you have to merge or blend the two different topics into one fluid piece of writing. As I previously mentioned, the essay is strong and accomplishes its task even without reference to the academic influence that your sister had on you in great detail. So it would be best for you to omit that part.

You more than highlight her importance in your life and her contributions to your development both as a family member, friend, and student in paragraph 4. At that point, it still blends well with the overall essay. So there is no need for an over extended discussion of that aspect of your relationship with her. That is why I believe that you should just remove the last part of the essay that refers to her academic influence upon you.

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

Mualla, might I suggest a new opening for your essay? I would like to present a balanced image of you as a mentor, student and participant in the program with a personal interest in the outcome of the program. Please consider something along the following lines for your revised first few paragraphs. :

"Do you think you would be up to the challenge?" My team leader asked me while he was handing out our activities for the year.

"It's just seven kids that need help with their Math. I can do it". I responded with the confidence of a person who has spent most of her life enjoying the complexities that come from solving math problems. So off I went to the classroom. Confident that by the end of our first meeting, these students would be just as in love with Math as I was. I was horribly mistaken.

The classroom didn't depict a typical learning environment. As I tried to explain to the students how to properly divide fractions, I had to battle for their attention as some of them decided to chat with one another, others were walking on the tables, and some were dozing off in class. One thing was certain as I looked them over, holding my temper and struggling not to voice out my anger and frustration. These students were hopeless and would out of school youths in no time. I refused to accept that fate for these students, who are the future of my country. As a Big Sister mentor at the Students in Action organization, part of my duty was to make sure that I helped to inspire these "at risk" youths to dream of a better future for themselves. I knew I could inspire them somehow. I just had to figure out how to do it.

Being a student myself, I decided to turn to books written by professionals in order to develop a method of catching the attention of the kids. I was a mentor who cared about their future. I wanted to be sure to prepare them for the high school education and SAT's. However, the books did not seem to hold the answer to my query. Instead, I found the answer in the most unbelievable place, watching my younger siblings learn the alphabet while they played a game ...

This type of presentation should better engage the reviewer when reading your essay. Mine is merely a suggestion as to how you can better develop the first two paragraphs of your work. You can use it as an example of how to revise your work or, you can use what I wrote in your essay. Trust me, I won't mind if you that. I hope my suggestions continue to help you. I look forward to reading your next revision.

Undergraduate / Family is the most valuable thing in my heart - UT Austin topic A [5]

Hi Antonio. You have really developed a very eye opening essay here. The reviewer will find himself immersed in your tale. It helps that you did not mention an age for yourself in regards to when this event happened. Ignorance of your age at the time of the incident will work in your favor because your actions and analysis of the situation at the time will not be called into question. The overall essay relies on the strength of your family unit and the love that your parents had for their children. The story that unfolded showed the unique environment that you were raised in and how your parents use love, more than anything else, to influence the character development and sibling love between the children. Good work. This is an ideal family environment to come from.

The essay weakens a little towards the end though. That is because you suddenly inserted the story about the academic influence your sister had on you. There wasn't enough word count to allow a proper development of that environment towards the end of the essay. So I suggest that you remove that reference instead and just keep the focus of the essay on the personal relationship that you have with your parents and your sister. That is more than strong enough to represent your prompt response.

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

Hey Mualla, the essay is developing quite well. I hope you won't mind adding more content to the essay because there are still some aspects that require development or adjustment in order to make the essay even better. While you explained that the students were struggling in math, and you wanted to help them learn to enjoy math just as you do, it is not enough of a reason to say that you had enough reason to truly invest in their learning.

What we need to find is a personal connection between you and the plight of the students. For example, you could explain that when you saw them ignoring you, there was a sense of frustration that began to develop on your part. Then explain that you refused to give up on them because they were "at risk" youth who would most likely drop out of school if they did not get the help they needed academically because they could not see that there were rewards in store for them if they completed their education.

That is how you can make your story about using interactive games to teach them more effective in the narrative. This is the highlight of the story and shows how you indirectly taught the students that with hard work comes positive results (the candy bar). That would show a true investment on your part in the future of the kids you were mentoring.

I'm sorry about having you do these additions but I feel that these are necessary in order to further strengthen the message and concept being delivered by your narrative.