Undergraduate / Arts and Sciences and Engineering: "I don't know" - JHU supplement [10]

James,

I am not altogether sure that the essay you wrote -- either the first one or the second one -- is appropriate to send to Johns Hopkins. When they read an essay such as the one that you were assigned to write, they are looking for a person with a clear, decisive plan, perhaps even a clear five year plan with respect to his or her own lives. You, clearly, are not offering that here in either one of the essays. I would certainly heed the remarks made by the others are re-work the essay once again. You want to write a convincing essay; you are trying to explain to them that you are the candidate, above all others, who should be selected, and selected now.

If you want any more help, let me know. That is what we are here for. To help you.

Mark :)

Writing Feedback / Students' academic performance strongly reflects their teachers' teaching performance. [8]

Hi Xun, again....

Have you given thought to re-working your essay? I still think that you did an outstanding job with the formatting for the essay, and if you would just make the small corrections to the text, I think that you will agree that the essay will stand on its own!

I am, by the way, with Kevin, in that you will pass the TOEFL! Take your time and address this essay and give us the opportunity to get back with you again.

Mark

:)

Undergraduate / Anyone can be the change in the world - College Essay - Review [4]

Hi Gregory!

I was impressed with your essay -- at least the essence of it, the message. But, I must agree with Kevin, in that you use too many commas. He suggested that you read "The Elements of Style," and I am hopeful that you are cognizant of that material and what it can do for you as a writer.

I made some corrections and offered some suggestions to you with respect to your essay, and these are below. You will see the use of the comma. Many people overuse the comma, by the way, and it's not just you.

Now that you have three people correcting you, perhaps you might want to re-work the essay?

Mark :)

... to a special experience that I have found to be is very important and helpful to others. An idea that was recently presented to me, thatwhich affected my way of thinking, is the ...

I was unaware not aware as to (...) could be until I started thinking thought about my history class. The way you treat someone, or interact with, may impact the rest of your life.

As I thought about how these people are seen to be veryas important and special (...) how the people are me might change the world. I started to think thought the friends (...) become the next Copernicus, so to speak . I also thought to myself that there are little differences between ...

... who is willing, could change the world, I began to think thought about what sort of ...

Graduate / Admission Essay PhD Cell and Developmental Biology [8]

Hi Melinda:

Without going through the entire essay (now), I want to show you the first paragraph. While the essay is good, it needs a lot of work. First, you don't have a thesis statement in your first paragraph, nor do you have a topic sentence in the other paragraphs; but that's not the only issue. I would like for you to take a look at the para below -- and focus on the corrected sentences, and see where you wrote them incorrectly. Then, as an assignment, write them at least ten (10) times. I think that in that time, you will have learned how to construct the sentences correctly. When we have completed that part, we will tackle the rest of the essay. OK?

Mark

:)

Recently, I was visiting with friends of my family andwhile visiting with some friends of the family, I noticed onea child sitting in the corner pulling apart the toystaking apart some of the toys . I went and sat down next to him and asked why he was taking the toy part, he replied to me quite frankly , " so that when it breaks I know how to fix it." This experience brought back some vivid memories of my interests even as a child. in discovering mechanisms of how this workhow things workedand that continued to motivate both my educational and professional journeys.

Undergraduate / "Google has been one of my closest friends" - Best piece of advice (Brown) [16]

Zakary,

Worry not about such things. Just concentrate on your essay -- and let's see what a revision might produce for us! I think that you did a good job with the first essay -- however, it did need some work and some other people have chimed in as well for you. Now, let's see if you can take the corrections and suggestions and come up with a revision of the initial essay and then you can present it to the forum. You can do it.

Mark :)

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

Hi Kayla,

What about this part of the sentence: but being vulnerable to sharing knowledge and experiences allowed me to adapt, and actively contribute to, this new cultural environment

Let's re-write it like this:

but being vulnerable to sharing knowledge and experiences allowed me to adapt and contribute to this new cultural environment.

--> I think that this says the same thing, just in a simpler way. Otherwise, I don't see a problem with your conclusion or your last paragraph! You have come a long way with this essay, and a lot of people have chimed in for you. You did well, Kayla. My hat is off to you!

Mark :)

Writing Feedback / TRANSITIONS IN LIFE - taking them with optimism or hatred [5]

Hi Walter!

I like the following sentence you used in your essay: Such unpolished gem needs to experience the heat of spontaneous combustion, pressure, and polishing before it can exude its natural luster and brilliance.

--> It is brilliant. The polishing time for a gem is years, not weeks or days or even months. You have engaged in the time factor with respect to what it might take for someone to become, well, whole.

Your essay has a nice "flow" to it when I was reading it. Nice job. There are a few parts where I would "tighten it up" a little. For example, in the following sentence: Everyone has undergone metamorphosis in their lives similar to the phase where a caterpillar sprang out from its cocoon of immaturity, after a long wait to spread its wings as a butterfly.

--> These are the sort of corrections that you will find throughout the essay, but not to the point where they need to be driven out for you. Take a look at the rest of the essay -- and you will see what I mean. It just needs a little "polishing," much like that gem you described.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / What do I do to get noticed? - Strength and Discipline [6]

Hi Devin --

I think that you did a good job with writing your essay, but I think that they want more emphasis on the other two Latin words as well, within the text of the essay.

Where is your thesis statement? What about the topic sentences for the three paragraphs that you wrote? Can you point them out to me?

Take a look at the corrections and suggestions that I have written for you below. You might not agree with all of them. Let me know what you think.

Mark :)

My Mommother does not say it anymore, because there is no need.

I have been setting goals for myself forever it seemsIt seems as though I have been setting goals for myself forever . Even in those early years of being a teenager, where all you want to do isthe exact the opposite of what your parents want ...

It is funny though, now when I think back how, when virtues are instilled in you at a very young age ...

I love my parents, don't get me wrong.

When I set a goal, I don't just think it, I write it down in order to make it permanent-- on paper .

I knew it would take years to accomplish, but my goal was ...

Research Papers / scientific paper reference list [6]

Hi!

After you find the appropriate source on the Internet via Google, and you seem to still have some problems with the formatting, let me know. I might be able to help you.

Mark

Undergraduate / "my younger sister's shadow" - Bump in the Road - UCF Application Essay [4]

Hi Maggie!

You essay reads well, but it needed some fine-tuning, as you can see below. There were some times when I added a period to a sentence, where you had a long sentence. I therefore made it shorter. But, the essence of the essay comes through fine, without a problem, Maggie. Take a look at the corrections I offered and see if you might want to re-write the essay so that Kevin, myself and the other Maggie can review it for you again.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / "... so just bear with me" - Stanford letter to roommate [7]

Hi Maggie,

This is what I like to see! I like to see students re-post their essays on this site, as you have done. And, you made the corrections that were needed and took those suggestions that you thought were appropriate and incorporated them into your essay. You are a wonderful writer, and like Ershad has said, you are also very witty! It is a very amusing essay, and it captures the reader's attention, right off the bat. I certainly would not change a thing with the essay. Job well done!

Mark

:)

Undergraduate / What lessons have you learned from it? -- painting [6]


Hi again!

I've already offered you some critique for your essay, and I see that Kevin and some others have also chimed in to do the same. This is good. You have a good essay here, but it does need a little work -- why don't you re-work the essay and then re-post it on the forum for us to read? I think that you will find that after each re-write, you will get a better appreciation for the English language.

As far as ending the essay, you will be best served by summing up what you are trying to say in the essay with a clear sentence to start the conclusion. Then, use the rest of the sentences to support that conclusion. But, I would work on the essay first, before beginning the conclusion.

Thanks,

Mark :)

Research Papers / "Why population exploded in the 1700'S" - my essay. is it good?? [4]

Chelsea,

You mean that you got a "B" in the course you were taking -- for the essay?

Mark

Undergraduate / "Energy Responsibility" - UT Austin application essay Topic E [6]

Austin,

Your essay reads quite well. I made only a few suggestive corrections. It was extremely informative. Where, Austin, did you manage to get all of these figures? They were put together in the essay quite nicely! Good job!

Mark :)

Undergraduate / wanted to enter the medical field- Vires Artes Mres. Need a conclusion and revision. [3]

Hi Austin!

I am glad that you took the time to write a conclusion and present it to the forum. But, I would have to agree with Kevin -- above -- in that your conclusion should have something to do with what you want to do -- and it should be specific. You mention in your essay that you want to get that college education and enter the medical field. Well, this might be the place to summarize that point "and" tell us what specific part of the medical field you want to enter. Get it? The conclusion should wrap up all that you said before, and then some -- but it ought to target the plan that you have for your academic life -- and beyond.

I know that you can do this -- re-write the conclusion and let's see what you come up with. I'll be more than happy to review it with you and help you tune it up.

Mark

Having the traits shown in "Vires, Artes, and Mores" doesn't just mean getting decent grades, and getting a college degree. But it really means to reach for levels that others wouldn't reach too, and doing things that others wouldn't think of doing. I hope to continue spreading the pride and unity that are shown in the garnet and gold of a true Seminole.

Undergraduate / "Towards a Comprehensive Understanding of Global Security" [5]

Hi Wondwossen!

We would love to read and critique your essay! All you have to do is post it on the forum, and we will get back with you as soon as we can.

Mark

Undergraduate / " Mission to Getting Certified" about something that makes me unique- extracurricular [7]

niklev


Not a problem, Nicole. I enjoyed reading the essay. Why don't you allow Kevin and some others review it as well -- they might have something different to say.

Mark

Writing Feedback / Students should study alone or in organized groups? IELTS writing task pratice. [5]


I like this suggestion! I also wonder if the student might benefit from reading "Elements of Style."

:) Mark

Book Reports / Thesis for the Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas? [9]


I have to ask the question: did you read the book? If not, then there are other alternatives, such as looking for a synopsis of the book on the Internet, by using Google. I've done it before and there are a number of companies that offer such material(s) on the net.

Is there a specific chapter that you like the best? Is there a specific character besides Cristo, that, perhaps, he comes into contact with -- and one with whom you can draw a thesis statement?

From this information, as well as what the others (above) have offered to you in terms of instruction, see if you can come up with a thesis statement of your own, and then we can go from there.

Thanks,

Mark :)

Writing Feedback / Everyone would benefit from taking more exercise do you agree? [13]

Hi Tina,

I was waiting for Kevin to chime in with respect to your essay -- and he did -- as I suspected. He offered you some excellent advice -- specifically concerning how you can improve your grammar. Heed his advice.

Secondly, Tina, what are you going to do about an introduction and a summary? I seem to remember that you brought these two topics up in the beginning of your threads. Have you worked on them yet? Let's see what you have with respect to both of those, as well as your essay body. I will get back with you as soon as you post it.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / " Mission to Getting Certified" about something that makes me unique- extracurricular [7]

Hi Nicole,

You write well. I liked reading your essay about scuba diving, and while I have never endured the sport, I know of a time when my father was heavily into the sport.

It is quite obvious to me that, based on how well you described your flight to becoming certified, that you enjoy the world of the water. I don't think I could have expressed myself better than you did, especially when you described how fatigued you were in the water, watching the other people swim towards the underwater cave.

You wrote about the prompt well. I think you did a wonderful job with the essay and I didn't see any areas where I would change.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / The ability to think: Common Application. Elaborate on one Activity. [13]

Hi!

I am offering the following suggestions to your final draft:

every victory, every match, and every defeat remains forever etched in my heart.
--> I am sure this is correct, meaning that "remain" should be changed to "remains." If you were going to write the sentence with only one of the three, i.e., "every victory 'remains' forever etched in my heart," it would also make sense.

My teammates believed I was a prodigy, but in reality, I could not have done it without their teaching and guidance; nor without the support from the lasting friendships that have formed, nor without the support from the lasting friendships that have formed.

--> the semi-colon does not belong there, as the last sentence is not a complete sentence. It needs to be changed to a comma.

Otherwise, the essay looks good! You have come a long way, as I see the number of people who have chimed in with respect to your two essays!

--> I will also have to take issue with the person who suggested that the word "And" does not belong in the beginning of a sentence. While that was true years ago, it has changed, and it is now considered to be OK to start a sentence with the word "and."

Have a good day!

Mark

Writing Feedback / Everyone would benefit from taking more exercise do you agree? [13]

Hi Tina!

OK, you have come a long way! Now, re-write the essay the way you want it to read and then post it on the forum. Let's see what you have at that point. We are here to help, Tina!

Mark

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]

Yes, indeed! Your essay looks great! Other than the change that I recommended, there is nothing at all wrong with it. Good luck with it!

Mark

Undergraduate / "A place for the ambitious learners" - Why Brown University? 1000 characters. [8]

No no -- your essay is far from just "OK!" And if you got that impression from what I said, then I apologize. You did a good job.

Using the word awesome sounds good to me. I would probably leave the second sentence alone, however. After thinking about it again, it probably is best.

So -- the only part I would change is this part: I saw Brown for the first time, and wow, it was awesome! Other than that, leave it alone. It looks and reads great!

Mark

Undergraduate / The role of "responsible older sister" - UC Prompt #2 [4]

Valerie,

It must have been tough for you to re-live that story by telling it again. I am sure that you have re-lived it in more ways than one, both in your mind and on paper since it happened! I feel for you and your pain! It's only through these tragedies (sadly) that families seem to bond together closer than anyone could ever imagine.

You did an excellent job with the essay! It is definitely a heart-felt story, one that lives within you and will continue to do so for the rest of your life. Thanks for sharing the story with us, and I wish you the best of luck with your essay.

Mark

Undergraduate / "A place for the ambitious learners" - Why Brown University? 1000 characters. [8]

Hi again!

I think that your essay looks good, but there are two things that I didn't appreciate the first time I reviewed it; one concerns the first para and one concerns the second para:

Stepping into Wriston quad, I saw Brown for the first time, and wow, would I always remember.Here, I wonder if we can change "would I always remember" to something different.

--> There is nothing wrong with the sentence; but it just does not "sit" right with me. How else can you describe your appreciation for how you will always remember walking into the quad?

Yet Brown is so much more than just its cover. And, here, while, again, there is nothing wrong with the sentence, it might be said a little differently.

--> what do you think?

Again, your essay is fine the way it stands; I am just offering a little bit of an improvement, something that did not catch my eye the first time. Let me know what you think.

Mark

Undergraduate / USC TRANSFER- CINEMA- experienced faculty, dedicated students, and an inspiring city [6]

You have an interesting message to tell in your essay, but I think that you have written it backwards. Your theme is film, and therefore, that should be introduced in the beginning of the essay, not brought out to the reader at the end. I think that you are on the right track; but you will have to organize your thoughts a little better -- why don't you begin with an outline? From there, you can write a rough draft of the essay and present it to us. I think that you will find that things will operate a little more smooth for you as you continue with the writing process.

Good luck, and hang in there!

Mark

Undergraduate / Running as the mental challenge - common application short answers feedback/edit [4]


Hi HuiQing,

I am not sure about the word limit. I would assume that if you have 151 words, that they would accept that, as it is only over by one word. It would seem to me that if you had more than five words over the limit, then they would probably say something to you.

You essay looks and reads great! I think you did a good job with the prompt, as well as the word count.

Mark

Undergraduate / About diversity and my empathy for others - Supplemental Essay on Diversity Question [7]

Now that you mention it, the word inherent might just "fit" better there in that sentence. Sure.

Mark

:)

Writing Feedback / My Favorite Holiday is Eid Al-Fitr [4]

Yes, in that case, you are correct. It should read: my twenty-one-day-old baby.

Again, your essay was very interesting. I enjoyed reading it.

Mark

Undergraduate / "the obstacle of transferring schools" - experiences, PENN STATE PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

Hi Julie!

I read through your essay and I think that it sounds good, although there were a few sentences that I needed to adjust for you. One issue that you might want to remember is the use of the semicolon -- it is generally used between two complete sentences, and it is used only when the two sentences are so much alike that they can be combined into one, if needed -- but they aren't because of the effect the two sentences has on the message being written. You cannot use a semicolon when there is an incomplete sentence -- unless you are naming or listing things.

Otherwise, your essay is good. I made a comment about one of the sentences in the first paragraph and I am just wondering if that sentence might better serve your purpose if it were placed in the beginning of the essay. That's your call, however.

Mark

Undergraduate / About diversity and my empathy for others - Supplemental Essay on Diversity Question [7]

Hi Mr. Frick,

I agree with Hussain, in that you have a great opening sentence in your essay! I see that the word "ethnicities" becomes underlined in red with this program, but the word is spelled correctly, so I am not sure what's going on there. I did take the time to change a few of the sentences, mainly for clarity. For example, the last sentence in the first paragraph -- I think it reads better with the change I made.

It would be great, I think, if you could expound on the essay, as I think that it's an interesting subject; however, I know that you are limited with respect the amount of words you can use. Perhaps next time. In any event, you have written a good essay.

Mark :)

Statistically, I offer little in diversity as it relates to a politically-correct sampling of various ethnicities, religions, sexualities, and socioeconomic groups. However, I have come to realize that true diversity is found through the invaluable sharing of various human experiences. It is through these experiences which makes each of us uniquebecause of these experiences that we are all unique .

An aspect of my uniqueness is my empathy for others and my innate ability to be disarming. I suppose I developed these traits having spent many years following my mother as she volunteered in nursing homes as a child and continued my volunteerism during high school and college.

Being able to interact with people in a way where that they don't feel the need to be defensive fosters an open, engaging conversation. It is genuine and real. I often wouldwould often be amazed at how strangers would just start talking to my mother as if they were life ling long friends. Now, that same thing happens to me.

Graduate / SOP for Phd in Aerospace Engineering [Hypersonic Flows] [7]

Hi Rohit,

I am responding to your essay again so that it comes up on top of the page -- this way, perhaps some of the others might see it and choose to respond to it. Like I said, I don't think that you should change anything -- it is fine the way it reads -- but others, like Kevin, for example, might have a different opinion.

Mark

Undergraduate / "Youth Tutors of Greensboro" - Common App- chose "other" essay option [7]

Maggie,

Unless someone else knows something about it that I don't know, then I do not really see a problem in you using this essay. I would just make it shorter.

Mark

Graduate / SOP for Phd in Aerospace Engineering [Hypersonic Flows] [7]

Rohit,

Your essay is marvelous! You have written a concise, succinct essay that definitely defines who you are and where you want to go. You use words extremely conservatively, which is an essential part of writing such an essay. I commend you on your authority over the English language!

Good luck with your studies!

Mark :)

Undergraduate / "Youth Tutors of Greensboro" - Common App- chose "other" essay option [7]

Some people are talkers. Some people are drawers. And then some people are readers. That's me. I'm a reader. --> good sentence for an opener.


Yes, it is too long....and you can "whittle" it down -- by getting rid of some of the extraneous sentences in the essay. I read through the essay twice, and I went away with the idea that you, too, know which sentences are not needed. Go through the essay and get rid of them, as they are redundant...you seem to say the same thing twice at times, or you expound on an idea too much. Also, don't abbreviate anything in an essay, spell it out.

I think that your essay depicts a remarkable time in your life, one that you would want to get up on the roof top and shout about -- that is good. You can also write about it...and make it shorter and more succinct.

Mark

Undergraduate / "A place for the ambitious learners" - Why Brown University? 1000 characters. [8]

This is a good, short essay, and it says a lot about Brown! I can tell that you will be proud to attend the university. I made a few corrections for you.

Mark :)

I love BrownUniversity .

It fascinated me; it' s architecture, surroundings ...

... no other schools (and I have visited quite a few) has have ever come ...

It is a place where world class education happens occurs not at the cost of happiness ...

Writing Feedback / university students required to attend classes?; it should be their decision [6]

Hi Luu,

Now that you think you have the knack for writing the essay, take the time to make the corrections and re-write your essay so that Kevin, myself, and some of the others can read it again. I think that you will find that it will read easier if you do re-write it.

Mark

Writing Feedback / Everyone would benefit from taking more exercise do you agree? [13]

Hi Tina,
First, I am assuming that when you write "pra," you really mean to write "para," which is short for paragraph. Am I correct?

Next, your question is written in the same way that you wrote your short paragraph. I think that your instructor is looking for more information "from you," in order to grade you on your ability to write in English. The paragraph that you initially wrote does not make any sense, whatsoever, and that is what Kayla and I are trying to tell you. Therefore, what I would do is the following: re-write your paragraph and then we can take a look at it. Don't just repeat your prompt. We need to see a paragraph with somewhat of a complete thought. If you don't understand what it is I am trying to tell you, let me know. We are here to help!

Mark