Research Papers / Trade economy subject - how to start? [6]


I think you should practice typing with the correct grammar after people make corrections. Look at the corrections I made above, and please type every sentence 10 times. Also, speak it aloud 10 times. That is how to learn. It has to be 10 times. :-) Then, it is like a meditation, and the mind remembers.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Growing traffic & pollution can be controlled by increasing petrol prices [4]

Pollution does not need an s. It is like the word water. You can have a little of it or a lot.
On the other hand, pollution is not just caused by ...

As illustrated before, several other solutions can be introduced to assist in reducing pollution and traffic problems. ----This sentence is great!

Primarily, authorities should spare no efforts in improving public transportation facilities, such as constructing more bus lines, in order to reducing the usage of private cars.---Another excellent sentence.

Furthermore, temporarily targets should be set, with regard to the limitations of pollutants in a certain period of time. For example, a season. -------I split this into 2 sentences. Also, maybe it is better to use the word goal instead of the word target.

Great job!! Not many errors. :-)

Scholarship / "Art is an inherent desire of human being" - artist statement competition [8]

Contemporary art is combined with the experience of everyday life for people who live in desperate conditions. Their suffering has not yet been completely revealed to the world.

or maybe this is better:
Contemporary art is made from the experience of everyday life for people who live in desperate conditions. Their suffering has not yet been completely revealed to the world.

Writing Feedback / All my life i had been wrong and now i had to pay! [12]

Awesome... alright, now I am getting sucked into the story. Very cool action and descriptions.. I think you are really talented for this kind of writing, because you lead my attention from one image to the next. I mean, you hit my mind with image after image.

Hey, for the name thing... how about saying Momina the first time and then calling her Momi after that? Maybe I was wrong before when I thought it would create confusion. I think I was over-analyzing that...

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'Honesty to self and 'Honesty to others' - is it really important? [3]

If you use "very" 2 times, use a comma:
Like this: It is very, very important to use a comma when you use more than one modifier in a row.

There are many things good reasons to be honest.

For, not of:
Immediately, I felt guilty of for cheating but I knew nothing...

Study the changes I'll make below:
There are two forms of honesty. They are, "Honesty to Self" and "Honesty to others."

:-) Thanks for teaching me about the 2 kinds of honesty! That is a good way to think about it.

Undergraduate / "Learning From the Past" - Boston University High School Honors (Summer Term) [3]

You know, something about this essay really resonated with me and gave me a great experience. It surprised me in some places, and it always intrigued me. I do not want to give any advice, because I am afraid any changes you make might diminish the excellent quality it has.

I like that strong theme, learning from mistakes.

This part has some sentences that are too vague, I guess:
I must try to be wise, and I must learn from my mistakes. Ahead of me lies another academic shift from high school to higher education. From my unfortunate experience, I know it will be difficult and I know it will require thorough preparation to enter this new level of education. Cut this obvious stuff and replace it with some mention of SPECIFIC intentions, specific goals.

For my final year of high school, I have chosen a specific and particularly rigorous schedule---good!

Show them that you have made a detailed plan.

Writing Feedback / "Claudia, my cousin and best friend" - Describe a person you know [4]


Perfect...

You have a great writing style.

That is why she is working her fingers to the bone to buy a house and start her own business. Travelling to the United States to take an advanced course in dancing and aerobics is also a short-term goal in her life as well as preparing to get married and start a family. ---That sounds excellent! Look for the small change I made here. Can you find it?

:-)

Writing Feedback / Students Should not be in Control of their own Education. [5]

I think it is good, not moderate.

However, you must NEVER put a period in a place like this:


"Should students be in control of their own education?" Based on my ten years of teaching experience, I completely...

:-) Look at the changes I made.

Research Papers / Philosophy of Education - how to start research and need ideas [5]

Hi William. Yeah, this one seems hard. I'll help you look at the components. It is many things, not one thing:

Articulate a personal philosophy of education.

Explain your specific beliefs in the areas of : metaphysical and epistemological beliefs

Explain your beliefs about the role of the teachers

Explain your beliefs about the role of students

Explain your beliefs about the role of curriculum

Discipline

Diversity

Curriculum Development

Professional Development

Learning Communities

ABOVE, I see 10 one=page papers for you to write. Just do one of them for now. Write a page about your epistemological beliefs. Start by googling "epistemology."

Just do the first page for now! :-)

Writing Feedback / People who have different interest are less likely to be an ally [4]

One may prefer to spend weekends sitting in the couch, eating popcorn and watching movies.

The other may prefer playing basketball and get his body all worked up.

As you contemplate the choices, you might start an argument.

People have different interests have different availability* abilities.

People who have interest in reading and writing can be in their work for days and weeks, and the work is subject to extension.

You should choose the people to work with for if you are not careful you may fall into another kind of relationship - instead of allies, you may develop enemies.

:-) I made it a little longer at the end so that it would be clear.

Writing Feedback / Face-to-face communication preferable to those who need to know what the interlocutor's feelings are [3]

I don't see many errors. I see a very advanced way of writing. You are ready for the toefl, I think, because you write more effectively than many people who speak only English!

Here is another fix:
I believe it is the most preferable to useful for those people who are eager to know what the interlocutor's feelings are.---I don't think your way was wrong. This way might just be a little better.

Thanks for joining EssayForum, Annie! We need your help. You can obviously help a lot of students who are learning English.

Undergraduate / "Saudi Arabia" - admission in med school [4]


Smart!! You are clever, and this is a good piece of writing. Very intriguing...

Let's do this:
Curiosity and inquisitiveness have been prominent parts of my personality.

When I was in elementary and middle school I used to watched programs about science, but they always left me with more ... subatomic particles, and I was amazed at how the world could be modeled by Mathematics. (add a sentence to the end of this paragraph to bring the reader's attention back to the idea of you as a med student.)

Apart from academics, I enjoy socializing with people. Also, as aforementioned, I love cooking for friends and family. Swimming is my favourite sport and it has won me some prizes which gave my confidence a boost. Also, as aforementioned, I love cooking for friends and family. Replace these boring sentences with a few sentences about the medical specialization and techniques that interest you. Keep it focused on the main idea! :-) Although there isn't a lot of margin for young females to...

At the end of the essay, too, I think you should write about your vision of a future learning medicine. Welcome to EssayForum!!!

Research Papers / Nha Trang-a coastal city, capital of Khanh Hoa province, is a excellent destination [4]

use "In"
In recent times the study of...

Today most schools which have good quality require students to have high proficiency in English. So if you want to study at these schools, you must have good English skill. If you are good at English, you can study abroad and look for a scholarship more easily.

Beside many companies ask your require you to speak English, too.

No need for arrived. Just use "arrive"

When you arrived arrive in Nha Trang, you can join...

Bathe has an e on the end when you use it as a verb.
Also, you can bathe as well as sunbathe on beautiful and...

With Everyone who loves sports can enjoy sporting activities such as...

Nice job! :-) It has only a few errors. You used the outlines well.

Undergraduate / find X- university of Chicago (perfection) [4]


Interesting! But why does it represent imperfection? I thought it represented the answer to a question, the mysterious thing you have to "find."

You wrote the essay in a clever way! But at the beginning, you should not say a variable represents imperfection. You should say that X represents perfection and that you are always trying to achieve it. Do you know what I mean? That will require some revision.

If you don't want to do that, you have to explain why you think X represents imperfection.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a five-day long training" - The Biggest Challenge I Have Overcome [4]

Thanks Annabelle and Rajiv! Welcome, Peddy! Here is my idea for this sentence:
I estimated thing, somethings badly in my mind required eliminated through the course. I don't know what you mean to say, but I think it might be like this:

I had made an inaccurate assumption about the course, and I discovered that the course was able to eliminate some of my wrong ideas.

:-)

Try using the corrections provided here, and type the essay again! That is the way to practice. Type, and say all sentences aloud the way Rajive corrected them.

For example:


The first night, as the course started, I sat behind in the last line, trying to conceal myself there. I disliked showing myself outside. I preferred to listen to speeches, which were in this course's lectures.

Welcome to EssayForum!

Research Papers / First Research paper about cleft lip and palate, how to began [5]


Good! Add a new dimension to the topic. When you find some articles, some will be stories about people affected by this, and others will be about ways to cope with it or change it. Read some articles, and you will find another DIMENSION for the topic. That means it will be about a particular idea related to cleft lip and palate.

Start like this:
Read 3 articles about it, and then add a dimension to your paper topic. Then, find 3 more articles. Write a paragraph or two about the main idea of each article. You can do it! :-) 8 pages = 24 paragraphs, total.

Start each paragraph with a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: Raise children in City or Suburbs? [8]

All of us admit...
Each of us admits...

"Each" is SINGULAR.

Each one of us admits that childhood stage is the most important stage of human's human life and that this stage has a strong impact which lasts forever. (Add a sentence here to tell why you can give kids a better childhood in the city.) Thus, I personally prefer to raise my children in the city rather than in the country suburbs due to reasons associated with family and personality.

:-)

Book Reports / A short comment: "Sinner in the hand of an agry God" by J. Edwards English Literature [3]


Don't capitalize it here unless you capitalize it every time you use the word. Just be consistent. You can either capitalize or not, I think.

Capitalize "Bible."

Due to this fact, I believe he is using every available writing device to call attention to this matter (following Christ or going to hell), probably because he saw alarming situations in his congregation.----Every available writing device? If you are studying writing devices in class, name some that he uses. I think the teacher will take away points if you say "every available device."

I think I know what you mean, though. He is so serious about it that he will use shock and fear-mongering to compel people...

This is good writing, but I think you should use this trick: Condense the whole essay into a single sentence and put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph. That is your thesis statement. It will stick in the reader's mind and make the essay clearer and more convincing.

This is not a good sentence to leave at the end of the first paragraph: After he explains this citation he starts enumerating the situations to which the sinners are exposed to and what "sliding" can mean.(Add a sentence here at the end... your thesis statement.)

:-)

Scholarship / "Born in India" - MBA Scholarship - acadamic and professional achievements [2]

I remember correcting this essay yesterday! I wonder what happened to my post...

The number of diversified traits and people with whom you interact in the hospitality world is unparalleled. ----I made some changes here.

... burning with passion to be better than I am and perform better than I now perform. to do better than what I did till now.

I joined the xxxx at The xxxxx at the entry level as Food and Beverage associate. -------Instead of starting a paragraph with a sentence that just gives some information, give the information as part of a sentence that means something that supports the main idea of the essay. Do you know what I mean? If you can, remind the reader of the main idea of the essay during the first sentence of every paragraph. That is not ALWAYS necessary, but it will help here.

I am a futuristic this is not really the right word. What do you mean? Proactive? I am a proactive person and hate resting on laurels. I strongly urge you implore you to grant me a scholarship award ...

Nice ending!

Writing Feedback / I strongly believe that pets must be part from every family [5]

I think "having" is not the best word there... just use "owned."
I have owned a cat for...

Use "and"
She is cute, lovable and friendly, and she is like my little sister that I do not have.

I'll make a lot of changes to this part, and you tell us if you have questions about them:
On one hand, you can spend your free time with them, to relax with them, but also the effort to care for them helps you make preparation for caring for your future kids, for example. I hold this view for many different reasons. That is way I strongly believe that pets must be part of every family.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS]should children be made to obey the rules? [4]

I think you should add another sentence to that first paragraph. The thesis statement is missing! Add a sentence to the end of that paragraph and make it a sentence that contains the message of the essay.


You have a very nice writing style!

I agree with that last sentence of the essay. It seems like you think some control is good but not too much. That seems right.

Undergraduate / "To stay in the community and a higher education for my dream" UC DAVIS Waitlist [6]

Oh... I did not see you on the list of contributors. You certainly to a lot of contributing around here, though. :-)
What is your question? Just post it in the appropriate thread. FAQ? Grammar? Writing Feedback?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Basic economic class can help the students touch the surface of this field [4]

This is a great thread! Do you have questions about any of the corrections? I don't think anyone noticed this one:

They may feel readily ready to assimilate the new knowledge in college courses related with economy and get familiar with various economic topics, so they are able to do their work better than before.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS]more young people are leaving school and unable to find jobs after graduation [4]

use the ed with "burden."

...burdened with high expectations placed on them by parents.

I like the way you used that word, "thorny"...very cool word! I'll make a small change there:
Meanwhile, there also have been some solutions to this thorny problem.

Use the word "responsibility." It is a noun:
...which is also a responsibility of the whole society.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Television has brought positive or negative effects on children behavior. [4]

I see where dumi corrected "argue" and added "d." argued. It is argued that...
Do you know why that is necessary? We are saying "it is sometimes argued by people..." This is a strange verb form, and it can be confusing! :-)

Use an apostrophe to show possession:
...on children's behavior, whether it is education or entertainment.

Duncker (1938) showed children a film which the hero was eating and enjoying in food which children was dislike.

... without causing disorder towards children. ----Disorder is not really the right word here. What do you think is a better word?

Use plural:
However, it is clear that researchers need to...
Your APA citations look good!

Writing Feedback / 'traditional life styles have to be changed' - opinion essay [2]

Oh... I see... at the beginning, you meant to type "pace."

Nowadays, the pace of development is faster than anyone expected it to be.

The major reason of people prefers doing the same thing is that they want a sense of security. ---I agree!!

In contrast, rising living standard is the benefit to one who suggests change. ---this is not too bad, but we can make it better... like this:

In contrast, other people desire change because they are trying to raise their living standards. ---Is this what you mean?

However, imposing changes on anyone will never have a happy result.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Should history be taught in academic life of any student? [15]


No... I don't have any idea what it will be! I don't work in that industry. I just read this online writers' group. :-) Good luck on the exam!

Scholarship / "I plan on teaching guitar, writing, performing" - I Love Music [8]


I like this sentence.

You did a great job of showing a complex, sophisticated, well-developed idea about your future. That is the best thing to do with this kind of essay, I think. And if you are concerned about not having a natural signing voice, listen to Tom Waits or Bob Dylan! They don't have great voices, but they are sound artists... :-)

Writing Feedback / Toefl - high school should open basic economic course to the their students [4]

Hi there, I see some great help being given in this thread. Thanks, everyone!

I'll give a few ideas...

Con temporarily, The the pressure on high school student is increasing and the students have to face the various challenges ever day before they're admitted to a University.

They have no time to do anything else.---Good sentence!

Capitalize: however However, I'm convinced that high school students should...

Again, do not capitalize here:
Secondly, That that the more students major learn about economics the more they can advocate for the development of the social progress.

Admittly ,increasingly students appeal complain that the pressure of their studies is too much and that they have no spare time to learn another subject, but it's a common phenomenon that many undergraduates have insufficient economic knowledge. this lack of knowledge may obstruct them from getting a good job, so it's important for high school students to take a course on basic economics.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages of the internet. Increasing the living standards? [6]

Personally, I do partically what is this word supposed to be? You should check it.

support this statement and will discuss the resons reasons why in this essay.

Nowadays, the internet Internet is developing very fast, It it not only...

Don't capitalize unless it is the first word of a sentence: Moreover, It it is a convenient covenience way to get information, update and share your experience, an d you can communicate with other people in the world by email or chatting.

However, you also need to capitalize proper nouns. Internet is a proper noun:
However, the internet Internet also brings many advantages.

It is hoped that the Internet will continue a strong development and incresing increasing our living standard in the future.

:-) Good job, keep practicing!

Writing Feedback / Work or travel during gap year - Discuss! [3]

Working and traveling before the start of university studies is common in many countries. Most students are enthusiastic about this idea while some parents strongly oppose it. This experience has several advantages and disadvantages. (Right here, before you end the paragraph you should have a thesis statement that sums up your whole idea. Can you sum up your main idea in a single sentence here at the end of the first paragraph?

:-)

...spend on working and study tour fora for a year.

It is obvious that they are no longer a child children who only know how to study. They have become young adults who are capable of living in society.

Students then have motivation to achieve their own goals.

Writing Feedback / IETLS - advertising and consumer goods. What are the real needs of customers? [2]

It would be great if you could sum up your main idea in a single sentence and put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph. Add that excellent, powerful sentence that expresses your main reason for this opinion.

...guards the interest of common mass public.

You have great topic sentences! The essay has good structure already, but I really think it will be cool if you add that thesis statement to the end of the first paragraph. Instead of just stating your opinion, express the concept that makes you have this opinion. :-)

Scholarship / "Art is an inherent desire of human being" - artist statement competition [8]

I'll make suggestions about a few parts...

A desire for art is inherent in human nature, and I found it to be a form of problem-solving. during my life.

Having lived in a conservative society like Iran for all my life, I have experienced restriction, censorship and suffocation use a different word. This word is not quite right.

During all these years, I was looking for a chance not only to show my talents and capabilities to people from all over the world, but also to represent a part of the contemporary art of my home country, which is still hidden behind an every-day-life of ordinary people in suffocation and desperation. What are you really trying to say here? It is unclear...

...where I would not only gain more experience in artistic Fields but also find a chance to get familiar with rich cultural and ethnic diversity and wide range of international artists.

:-)

Research Papers / Finding the specific title to quote from (re: the affects of alcoholism) [3]

Affect is a verb. You need to write about the EFFECTS of alcoholism. Effects is a noun.

I am writing a paper on the effects of alcoholism, which will include the number of people one alcoholic affects.

I read several years ago in a book that one alcoholic affects 28 people in their surrounding environment.----Well, whether I am an alcoholic or not I think I affect many more than 28 people. I can positively or negatively affect lots of people every day.

I don't think you should search for that statistic. Do not waste your time. It is a stupid statiscit anyway. :-) No one can say how many people are affected...

Find great articles and get new info! :-)

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph about the differences between the city in the past and now. [3]

No need to capitalize "technology" in that first sentence.

With Technology technology advancements and the increasing numbers of people, almost everything is continuously changing; few are the things that remain unchanged. ------I changed it to "remain" but your way was okay, too.

You write very well with few errors! :-)

Private cars are parked here and there. We see green areas only within housing estates and residencies in additions addition to parks, squares and avenues so forth. So, cities now seem very different from the cities in the past.

Nice job!

Speeches / "homosexual adoption" - speech class [5]

Beheshteh and Aqsa, it's interesting that you both thought an argument was being made in favor of the rights of same-sex couples. Maybe you assumed that he was arguing in favor of their right to adopt because most people in the modern world know that, for example, children of same-sex couples have been shown to be high achievers, have excellent educational outcomes, etc.

When people argue against the rights of homosexual couples to adopt, I wonder about how they are thinking. Would you rather be raised by a single parent or a same-sex couple? That is an interesting question...

Scholarship / Lifetime struggles of an immigrant and how you overcame them (too negative?) [9]


No no, you don't need to take out any anecdotes... you just need to present it correctly.

Whatever you do, do not make the essay about struggle. Let the reader think about struggle on their own. Know what I mean? You write about your excellent plan to learn all you need to know about XXXXXX. Show that you have a specific plan and purpose. You can MENTION the various struggles as part of your background as you describe the process you are going through to reach your goal.

And the school is part of that process, too. It is essential for you to attend this school with its professors and resources, because this school is part of your plan. Be enthusiastic! :-) It is all in the presentation. When I kid writes, "My life was a struggle!" it is okay, but when the kid writes, "I need an opportunity to jump out of this world of complacency and powerfully pursue XXXX with like-minded peers." ----That is way more impressive! Tell about the struggle, but do not use the word "struggle." :-)

Undergraduate / "The Small Girl" - a person in the business world that has had an influence on you [2]

...as Johnson & Johnson, Motorola, Asea Brown Boveri, and many more.---I added a comma.

Ms.
Ms. Nooyi joined PepsiCo in 1994 and was...

... are the roots of her successful profession. ------The profession is not successful. She has success in her profession, but the profession is not successful. That's a minor grammar mishap.

Great enthusiasm here... I think you did well! However, the end is a little too simplistic and cliched. Do you know what I mean? Everyone says, "If I work hard, etc. I can achieve it!" You should add your own unique twist to this concept.

:-)

Essays / Tricky structure: comparing 40 articles from 3 Newspapers over 3 days. [3]


Write a paragraph about each of these. You can show both similarities and differences. You might use a paragraph to write about the "tone" used in all three newspapers and include examples. Actually, that might require several paragraphs.

Okay... I know what to do... I hope the prof allows you to use section headings. Make each of those words into a section heading, and in each section write one paragraph about each idea you want to share. This complex paper will need a lot of section headings! Use the headings to show that prof that you definitely are thoroughly following the instructions.

Then, you'll need section headings that show various observations you make about their coverage of the flood. What is the main idea you get when you compare their coverage of it? Make that into a section heading.

I hope that helps!! The key is to keep it simple and thorough and clear by using section headings. Do one at a time. You can probably write a few paragraphs about the sims and differences in tone easily, right now, for example, right? Just do the section on similarities and differences in tone. Write a few paragraphs about it...

:-)

Undergraduate / Appeal letter to get into NUS Law [3]

You could write a funny, self-depreciating letter. It could have dry humor and sarcasm. That is what I would probably do, but it is risky, obviously.

Maybe your appeal letter should go directly to the person who interviewed you...

I am thinking of best case scenarios, the best, coolest things that could happen... but you probably should not listen to me because doing something unconventional is not always good.

Still, the appeal letter must have a theme, and it is great if you make it about the interview that went so poorly.

But in answer to your question, the best way to make them accept you is to show that you have planned out every step of your education, that you are on a mission to achieve a unique aspiration... that you are trying to really do something. Show that you have goals and a vision for the future, and they will not want to deny you the opportunity to achieve that vision.