Undergraduate / "Be with family more than with friends" - USC - What Matters to Me and Why [3]

I think it looks nicer to write three instead of 3.
your first sentence is not very interesting. Can you think of a brilliant, attention-catching sentence to put at the beginning? It is good to use a sentence that expresses your MAIN THEME in a clever way.

Oh! I see what to do...
Move these sentences to paragraph 2:
I came to the U.S. 3 years ago, and I met many friends and their family. They looked so happy and their parents looked they love each other.

And that way this will be the first sentence of the essay:
People say a family is the most important thing in your life, and I agree with that. On the other hand, their saying made me sad, because I didn't have a...---I also took out 1 comma.

You are great! I think this essay is impressive because of how thoughtful and reflective you are.

The most important thing to work on is your verb tense. For example:
For a while, it looked like nothing bad is was happening in my family.

:-)

Letters / Letter to the president explaining a problem, suggesting a solution (Global warming) [3]

The polar bears are thinner and less healthier healthy than those of 20 years ago.

Many of fish are moving northward

...to save energy by turning off lights and curbing other things that don't need to be official unnecessary uses of energy.

:-)

Scholarship / PAVE Transformation - Is the prompt clearly addressed? [4]

among the best of men I had ever met.

That was His way of wording thing s made serious, emotionally charged subjects easier to talk about. I loved that. I wished I could do that for other people.

for two and half months ten weeks

Above, I trimmed away some words. You can always improve writing when you keep all the energy and meaning but take out some words.

And here is another place to eliminate a word: my self myself

Yes, I think you made clarity your biznitch. :-)

Essays / Length of personal statement [8]

There is no perfect length! It depends on the expectations of the school. Sometimes school policy makers are quirky or eccentric, so they have special expectations and want to see how well you follow their quirky instructions. So... the best way is to contact each school

Alternative answer: 2 pages. :-)

Undergraduate / U of Oregon College of Education - What do you hope to accomplish in the program? [3]


This is the only meaningful thing in the essay.

All it says is that you want to be a teacher, but do you know that there are different PHILOSOPHIES about education? What is yours? You should google around about "education" and "philosophy."

Also, if you read some articles written by educators in the past 2 or 3 years, you will learn the most advanced concepts. That will give you a great idea to write about. What you want to accomplish depends on how much you have read about 21st century education.

Go google around about it! :-)

Graduate / Professional objectives (the telecom sector operations, India) - MBA Essay [2]


This is a run on sentence. You can fix it with a semi-colon:
There were many pending cases and I was under pressure to prove my knowledge and ability to perform; an an unexpected benefit, this helped me to quickly get acquainted with the technicalities of the project. (Now add a thesis statement right here before you end the paragraph).

You can add one more sentence to that first paragraph, and that sentence will express the main message of the essay.

Also, in your intro and in your conclusion, you should try to include a sentence that tells the reader what is unique about you... what makes you different from other applicants? The theme for this essay should be the theme for your life. What inspires you? Whatever inspires you can also inspire the reader of this essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / O Level essay: Animals and birds should never be kept in cages. What's your opinion? [6]

Well, it is a moral argument about whether or not we ever have the right to put them in cages. It does not have to be about medical research. You have a good argument: to protect them or protect people from them. That is a good argument.

What other reasons would we have to justify putting them in cages? There are not many reasons to justify putting a human in a cage, so it is hard to justify putting any other animal in a cage...

:-)

Undergraduate / "honored to meet George Washington" - NYU, Person Supplement. [4]

The United Stated have witnessed a long history full of wars, cultural changes, and social progress until it got to where it is now. ---Here is a way to improve the grammar and organization of the first sentence.

... achievements that nation has accomplished and how the capital of the world is now named after him. ---It is not the capital of the world! It is the capital of the nation.

:-)

Give some examples of reasons you admire him! What do you know about his accomplishments?

Graduate / "I wanted to be an Engineer" - My SOP , first paragraph [4]

Do this:
I was asked by the most respected teacher.
or this:
I was asked by one of the most respected teachers

I can remember the day I was asked by one of my most respected school teachers what my future plan would be. I replied that I wanted to be an Engineer. My School teacher was highly disappointed, because in our country the best students, especially girls, are highly expected to be doctors because the medical profession...

At that early age, my simple answer was that I wanted to do something innovative and creative by which the next generation would be benefited. ---I think that is a good answer!

On At that time, I didn't know much about real aspects of life, but it was my dream that I would be a scientist and spend my life involved with innovative researching.

:-)
admission because I think it is the best choice I have in front of me to make my dreams true.

Writing Feedback / "Punta Cana" - My Favorite Vacation [5]

Your first sentence is excellent... perfect grammar.

My favorite vacation destination is in the Dominican Republic, because it has...

four basic thing that makes my experience unique. First, the hotel has...

a luxury lobby and very well decorated that makes the quest especial. Another reason is...

the room with a large balcony and beach front view. Then, when I walk...

out of the room I will enjoy a huge swimming pool with bar and water sport shows that makes my stay placer nicer.

Thanks to that, I can make...

Use the word "economic."
Another economical economic factor is that the cost...

The clime climate is a very pleasant invitation to be at the beach most of the time drinking ...

In conclusion, having a good time in my vacation at Dominican Republic and enjoying the hotel accommodation, the beach, weather and the food is are what make me happy and ready for the next year.

:-)

Undergraduate / Leadership skills, development - Why do you want to study at Lingnan University? [5]

This is beautifully written, but I can find little ways to improve it...

With the sun sinking into the horizon each day, my heart sank sinks deeper than each passing day, as I saw see my friends, one after another, boarding plan es -- flying on to distant lands to seek knowledge.

...and wondered, "When will I find the right university to attend?" apply ?"

Looking at my saddened face my mother told asked me, "Why don't you apply to ...

Separate this into paragraphs, and it will be easier to read. That makes it more powerful. :-)

Writing Feedback / Why People Cheat? (cheating has its advantages and disadvantages) [4]

It get's a little redundant in the beginning.. I think you should cut the sentences that are unhelpful:
Why do people cheat? That's a good question. Why do people cheat at anything? I believe they do it because they are too lazy to exercise the brain that they have. All forms of cheating, like in relationship or school, cheating is wrong. Cheating has its advantages and disadvantages,and it its also make also makes the person achieve their desires, but does it pays off in the long term ?

That leads to expulsion or getting a low grade.

In college the expense can cause lifelong debt, and who wants to have a parent put out that kind of money to have a student drop out or just plain don't stop caring? care so that t

They can have a life away from home, coming and going, doing what ever they please, including cheating on tests and lying. ----Keep practicing! You are great! Verbs are the hardest part of English, and you use verbs well. :-)

Writing Feedback / Adults always say that life was better in their childhood and school days than it is [3]


Yes! This is a good way to correct it. I was thinking of it like this:
Many people would have heard when somebody says that say, "Life was better when I was young." It is a common saying among adults. I believe...

You have to also work on your verb tenses. For example, keep all the verbs in the present tense here:
When people could not cannot find happiness in the present they look back in their past.

Learning verbs are the hardest part of making your English perfect, but you can do it! :-)

Here is another rough part:
Some could have stayed in their childhood itself and restrained to move. I think you should take it out or find a clear way to say what you mean.

:-)

Writing Feedback / my dad teaches me and has a big influence on me [5]

This is a good start, but you should look through to find the first excellent sentence:
My dad has a big influence on me. He always teaches me how to be a successful in my life. Therefore , he always kept his eye on me when I was a student while studying .He usually sat next to me and asked about ...

Cut the stuff that does not help, and leave only the best words!

Also, you are using a word the wrong way here:
I think I owned owe him most of my success in my career to my father.

:-)

Undergraduate / "hospitality job" - Cornell University hotel school application essay [2]

Another way to fix that mistake at the beginning is to use the word "required."
was what a global industry required.

Thanks, Hannah, for being such a hero!!

Yuxi Zhu, you should type it again and use the corrections. If you have questions, tell us. Practice typing with the correct grammar. You should practice the correct way many times to build a good habit.

The main idea is not boring, but here is how to highlight it. At the end of your very energized and clever first paragraph, you have room for one more sentence. Add a sentence that uses a special word that the reader will remember. It will be your THEME. What word is perfect for naming what you learned about hospitality?

So... add a sentence to the end of paragraph one, and use a "magic word."

Undergraduate / Do not have community - Computer Club - Michigan Supplement [5]

Your last paragraph is very impressive and interesting! I like the way you think and the way you write. If possible, you should try to express the main idea of the whole essay in a single sentence and add it as that thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph).

:-)

Graduate / (Petroleum Consulting Engineer) WHy is USC Marshall a good fit for you. [3]


This is not a very interesting first sentence! It is too obvious. You should not waste any sentence telling the reader something obvious. Instead, tell the reader what is unique about your clear vision for the future. Make the reader feel that it is important to help you continue your well-designed plan.

to be active in any project assignments we work on. ---This is not specific either. You should show that YOU have specific intentions. I like the body paragraphs a lot... all the body paragraphs of the essay are very strong. However, the intro and conclusion to not distinguish you at all. You need a memorable theme, an unforgettable theme. :-)

Writing Feedback / academic writing task 1- family types living in poverty [4]

Excellent progress in this thread. I'll add an idea about that first sentence:

The given table depicts in percentage the differences among a variety of family types living in poverty in Australia during 1999.

Here is another idea:
It is substantial to refer that all types of households living in poverty illustrated at The various types of households living in poverty accounted for a substantial proportion of the population: 11% almost around 1.800.000 people.

:-)

Undergraduate / Brown Environmental Leadership in Hawaii - where to start? [3]

This is to show whether or not you are inspired. If you are inspired about a particular topic, you will be seeking answers to questions that swim around in your mind.

If you have no questions you are trying to answer, go read 10 articles about concepts covered in the program. The only way to come up with questions is to read 10 articles. ;-) You cannot read 10 articles about the subject without coming up with questions.

Writing Feedback / Life is contain ups an downs. Some people get success in their life but some are unlucky [8]


This is probably not the best way to ask what you are trying to ask. Instead, say, "Are you learning English as a second language?" Because being "foreign" means different things to different people. :-)

However, I am not criticizing you, Alexandra. You are giving great feedback to people, and we appreciate your participation! I just wanted to tell you to avoid the word "foreign," because you might not know it can be offensive.

Here are some ideas:

In my opinion among all those characteristics, hard work is most important an important characteristic that a person can for enabling a person to have to be successful in life.

Some people want to become a famous actor, businessman, doctor , engineer and so on.

The main reason to for my belief is that we can defeat failure if we are ready to do hard work.

In addition, hard word also needs to be accompanied by honesty, intelligence, a sense of humor, and patience.

:-) It is OKAY to have an "odd take" on English, because we live in the age of globalization, and English will change in many ways.

Graduate / the lives of patients - Speech Language Pathology Personal Statement [7]

I was introduced to a twenty year-old girl---I added a hyphen.

The first time I did, I think it's what changed my life.---The grammar is a little messed up here.
The first time I did, I think ---doesn't work.
The first time I did, I think it's what it changed my life.---less is more! :-)

... that this was the type of impact I wanted to have on someone's life.---or.. people's lives. Or just... ...the type of impact I wanted to have. ---less is more!

Nice... these are very solid essays. One way to improve might be to show that you are reading all the recent studies that are changing the field of SLP. At the forefront of every field, new research is changing the whole thing, and you can impress the reader with some reference to the most modern advancements. That proves your seriousness.

:-)

Undergraduate / Football: elaborate on one of your activities (150 words) College short answer [5]


This sentence is unnecessary and boring.
The next sentence, though, is interesting!---> An extracurricular activity that I really enjoyed was football. As an incoming freshman to high school I decided to go out and play a sport with a team, which I normally had never done . For me, choosing to do this was a rare occasion. Football taught me many team values. Training for football each day was a way to show me that it takes practice and time to be able to excel in anything. I found...

And the rest of it is very good! But whenever you write something, go back and see if you can chop some unnecessary sentences... like I did above. :-)

Writing Feedback / Gender imbalance in classes is still proved to be acceptable [4]

This part should be simpler:
Some claim that students are bestowed on benefits if the numbers of men and women are equivalent while other s support the opposite idea.
Some claim that students are bestowed on benefits if benefit when the numbers of men and women are equivalent while others claim that (give the other argument here).

In that sentence, you should refer to the general argument made by each side.

And here: I am totally persuaded by the latter. Again, instead of just saying which side you are on, try to refer to the argument by expressing the general idea behind it.

Like this:
Some claim that it is necessary to ensure that both genders are represented equally, while others claim that gender should not be a factor in determining anyone's admission. I am totally persuaded by the latter argument, because I believe that achievement should determine admission.

You write beautifully! And I agree with your argument. ;-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-is change required or not? [6]

A common expression is: Practice makes perfect.
That is a common cliche in English. But it is NOT good to say it makes "a man" perfect, because there is no reason to exclude women from what is being said. We do that too often in the English language.

You have a lot of wise expressions in this essay. I like it! Capitalize the first word when you include a quote or expression:
A common belief is as follows: "A rolling stone gathers no moss."

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'one and only one' - some people are born with certain talents [3]


This part is unclear. Can you say it in a different way?

Also, it is best if you add a thesis statement to the end of the first paragraph. That will let the reader know the main argument of the essay.

If you tell the argument you are making at the end of the first paragraph, the whole essay will support it while the reader reads.

:-)

Research Papers / The death penalty serve as a deterrent to crime? - research paper guideline [8]

These questions ask for your opinion. The only one that is not an opinion question is the first one. Do you have a class reading that you are supposed to read in order to answer this?

I think you should look at an article by Steiker called "No, capital punishment is not morally required.

Also, google this: Sunstein and Vermeule.

Also, Google this: What did Kant say about the death penalty?

I don't want to give my opinion, because you have to form your own. Go read about it, and if an article has some sections you don't understand, ask us about them.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I dare to be different" - FAMU Entrance Essay [5]


Great advice, here... that is why people say: Show, don't tell.

But it is difficult, Amaris, because the prompt asks you to tell about those qualities. So... the trick is to SHOW your qualities by telling some examples of things you have done to PROVE it. Next, tell some examples about your intentions (i.e. what you WILL do as a student at that school). Finally, end by naming the qualities in a way that will stick in the reader's mind.

:-)

Undergraduate / "UNDO" - Mac HS - 4 Letter Word [4]

A hyphen is good to use here:
life-long

Kevin mentioned that covet is not the best word to use. You could choose any word that means "want," like "desires" or "longs for" or "wishes for"...

But if you look at the definition of covet, it has 2 definitions. One definition simply means to "desire" something... but the more common way it is used is to mean "to want something that belongs to someone else." The famous way it is used is "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."

So even though it is not wrong, it has a distracting connotation, as kevin mentioned.

Overall, this is a very impressive essay!

Writing Feedback / Does advertising encourages us to buy products that we really do need? [6]

Advertisement is an action which is taking greater part of human's an effort that is taking up a large part of people's lives.

National TV channels and radio stations announce every day more and more advertisements. ---Good sentence!

Look at the way the verb changes if the noun is singular or plural:
It ---> affects
They ----> affect
It is a totally new field of development which affects people's decisions.

:-)

Writing Feedback / (No) Sympathy for the Devil [2]

I have to change a word or two in this first sentence:
Light filtered through the steel frames windows creates a harsh reflection of the withered priest's face.

One by one he went down snuffing out the candles, his callused hands pushing forward and back as if a small boy running between pews. ---this is a great sentence.

The white-hot flame having no effect, his face in no grimace, his bony arms dark not because of his ethnicity but because of the rich dirt that filled the concaves of his skin, each crevice holds its own unique story of strife. ---See, you have to have one verb in each sentence that is in verb form, not noun form.

Neither of them spoke, yet one simply laughed. --This is unclear. Who laughed?

You have a great writing style! However, it is really important that you practice using the past tense, and when you write keep it all in the past tense. Or, if you want to use the present tense, that is okay, too, but keep it the same throughout the whole essay.

Undergraduate / transfer essay - "an experiment in realizing the good things" [5]

I see 2 problems that can solve each other. The first problem is that the first paragraph is very long and makes the reader follow a long time before learning the message of the essay. The second problem is that you actually did not ever express the message of the essay in that long intro.

So, I think you should divide the first paragraph into 2 paragraphs, and the new first paragraph should end with a thesis statement that captures the meaning of th essay in a single sentence.

Let's simplify here:
I now strongly believe that f Forgotten things, if truly significant, eventually find their way back to their rightful places , similar to the way the sight of the Empire State Building regained its importance to me upon coming home and the way my passion for art was strongly resurrected after taking just one class on the subject.

At the end of that first paragraph, and also in the last paragraph, tell the reader your specific intention in a way that can be expressed in a sentence. You did a great job with the THEME, but you should also state your intention succinctly. :-)

Undergraduate / "my attitude towards failure" -UBC science- qualities you have to prepare for success [4]

Notice the correction about the mobile phone. It should be like this:
I was the victim in a case of mobile phone theft.
Kevin could have suggested that, but he is not very smart! (just kidding) :-)

Instead of complaining that I should have a better childhood, I treasured my adversity because it taught me independence, which can help me find my own way of learning and blending in with the University community.

:-)

Writing Feedback / What features of restaurant I care most? [2]

Oh, I see some good advice here... I want to add a colon:

If I had to say what features of restaurant I cared most, I would consider from the following two angles: food and the environment.

Use a colon to show "more to come."

For one thing, it connects the far reaches in the world so we can go to other continents for holiday, travel, study, and visiting relatives more conveniently .

Another reason is that flight makes the world reach a new level of unity.

People can exchange both spirital and material stuff more quickly and more efficiently. Without it, we can not eat fruits from a distant country.---These are good sentences.

Airplanes make our life more convenient and the world more...

:-)

Undergraduate / "travel companions" - Essay for admission to SIBM, Pune (India) [3]


After this sentence, you should use a few sentences to express the main idea of the whole essay. Then, end the first paragraph. Do not start talking about the first character until paragraph 2. Do not talk about the 2nd character until paragraph 3. That is how you can organize your essay. Right now, it is hard to read, because it is all one big paragraph.

As you divide this into paragraphs, you can ADD ONE SENTENCE to the end of each paragraph. End each paragraph with a sentence that relates it back to your main theme, the main message of the essay. Make sure that at the beginning and end of the essay you explain this theme, because it is the only thing the reader will remember.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Living style, foods, jobs, relations: changes required by our life [4]

The Change is required in our life.

There are many reasons why change required in life, for example experiencing thrills, improving physical condition, reducing stress, etc.

If we don't go through different life stages like childhood, young adulthood, and old age, what excitement will we get in our life? (Answer: Being chased by a large dog is better than old age. :-)

If we were born as adults then we would never get childhood experiences and never panic about old age.

People who are steady and keep doing the same job over year and after year they are more secure.

To improve physical conditions some times doctor also advises his patients to make a change in their lives.

Furthermore, change is required for reducing stress.

Practice all these sentences above. Look at the changes I made. I hope you have time to type these sentences the correct way. Type them 10 times each to practice and program your brain with correct grammar. :-)

Graduate / "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish" - SOP for Masters degree in MIS [6]

...as an Associate Software Engineer---capitalize all words of the title of the position.

for the last 7 seven months has been...

an absolutely amazing & and enriching ...

It has enhanced my knowledge of how corporations use technology to address Business problems. ---After this sentence, can you add a thesis statement that expresses the main theme of the whole essay?

As I continue to read, I see so much impressive material, but I don't see a theme to connect all the ideas together. This essay needs a memorable theme so that the reader will be unable to forget the distinct impression you made. Right now, if asked about this essay, I would say it is about an aspiring MIS professional, but that does not say anything that is UNFORGETTABLE. Dig deep, and creatively express your unique combination of interests in a way that makes the main theme of this essay (which you express both at the beginning and at the end) a memorable, fascinating one.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "No support for the U.S. space program" - CLEP Composition - Product Safety [3]

... the car industry, the airline industry, and the defense industry to name a few.--I think you should write automotive instead of car.

In the last decade the private sector has become more active in the space exploration, and there are ...

I don't think you should capitalize here: the space station, a planned station on the mo on, a flight to Mars, etc.

it would be very short sided do you mean short-sighted?

So, you made it clear that you appreciate the benefits of the space program, but do you disagree with those who argue that we have more important things to spend money on? You should specify your position about this controversy. If you are trying to refute the idea that the space program is not a worthy way to spend money, you should get more specific and really make that argument.

:-)

Undergraduate / Living with my disability, Computer Technician, Studying for GED - accomplishments [3]

I'd give it a 3, I guess. The grammar is skillfully handled, and you expressed your ideas in a clear way. But the intro sentence is boring, and the main point of the essay seems to be to share these three ideas... a very effective essay would have a memorable concept that catches the reader's attention at the beginning.

Also, it is not really an "accomplishment" when you make the decision to study for the GED.

I think you can succinctly express these three ideas in a single sentence, and express them as only ONE thing: Coping with your disability well enough to become a comp technician. Now name 2 more great accomplishments, even small ones, and it will add a new dimension to the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / SUTD (Singapore University of Technology and Design) application [3]

Use the past tense:
At the age of thirteen, I dropped...

I thought that it would be a better choice to work then than to study as I can could earn enough money to spend as well as giving some to my family.

I started working as a kitchen assistant and the wages wage was very ...

To make things wors e, the financial crisis of 2001 occurred.

From then on I felt determined to ..

I ended up passing only 2 out of the 3 subjects...

I believe that I am creative and hardworking and I will sincerely hope that I will be given a chance to study in the university and continue to work hard for my future. The ending is too generic. I thinnk you should show more details and short term goals for your plan. Also, as you practice English, have an English speaker help you with your use of the PAST VERB TENSE. That is the most important thing for you to work on right now. :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-good news/bad news? whats the best? [2]

The credit for this awareness...

goes to the power of media. News has become a quintessential part of the routine and has a significant effect on the masses it connects to.

I see three separate questions in the prompt. When that happens, I usually like to answer each question in a separate paragraph and make sure each paragraph has a topic sentence that answers the question clearly.

This is a run on sentence, so it needs a conjunction (and):
The sole objective of media is social awareness and supporting the truth, and this principle should be followed by every news channel or newspaper.

:-)