Undergraduate / 'Mass communication today' - University Ca Essays [5]

Greetings, Maria--

These are very well-written essays! I tweaked a few things, but they didn't need much improvement in my opinion.

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Term Paper: Which is the lesser of two evils? [4]

Hm, yes, I've run into that phenomen myself! For as picky as some instructors can be, it often appears that they have not truly thought the assignment all the way through.

When possible, add yet another source!

I wish you the best!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Music- Competitiveness, stress, relief, expand wonders- UC / Potential to contribute [2]

Greetings!

This is a fine start. I have just a few suggestions:

"all my life ever since I was 5" is a contradiction. I'd take out "ever since I was 5" since you go on to say that in the next sentence.

Say "gained leadership skills by teaching students"

"my section has won the highest award called sweepstakes a couple times" would sound better as "My section has twice won Sweepstakes, the highest award in [name of contest, division, whatever]."

You jump around a bit in time. Try making it a little more chronological to avoid confusion.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I had come upon a force that I could not understand; Academic Preparation [2]

Greetings!

If the question is designed to allow you to tell about events that shaped your academic preparation, I'm not sure you are really addressing the issue at hand. You do a good job of explaining stressful events in your life, but the transition to the "silver linings" is quite abrupt and I can't quite see the relation between those two statements and what you've written above. You might want to focus more on the specifics of your academic achievements.

A few observations about the writing:

When you say, "These struggles ranged from ..." you must then use "to..." For example, "These struggles ranged from academics and sports to my family life."

I had that constant scolding of, "Your not going to make into college at this rate!" - The first part is in the dreaded passive voice. Who was doing the scolding? "My parents were constantly scolding me, saying, 'You're not going to make it into college at this rate!' " Note that "Your" should be "You're" because it's a contraction for "You are."

Be sure you are answering the question that is actually being asked and it should help keep you on the right course.

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The Conditions of the Concentration Camps; Setting - Elie Wiesel's Night help [2]

Greetings!

Remember that the conclusion is a short summary of the points made in the paper. Since each paragraph should make its own point that supports your main topic, your conclusion can often consist of one sentence for each paragraph, summarizing the point of that paragraph. The last sentence or two should leave the reader with something to think about after reading the essay.

Not having read Wiesel's book, I can't give you an appropriate compound sentence, but just by way of example: "One thing never changes: man's inhumanity to man." That's a bit cliched, but you can see the pattern used there, and in your own Darwin example.

If you'd like to post your conclusion once it's written, I'd be happy to give you my thoughts on it.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Term Paper: Which is the lesser of two evils? [4]

Greetings!

Unfortunately, it probably depends on your instructor. For some, a minimum is a minimum, and to fall short is to receive an automatic deduction. Others might not see it that way. I can give you some thoughts on how to lengthen your paper, which you may or may not have employed already:

1. Present the opposite argument and show how it is flawed.
2. You don't say whether this essay requires the use of sources. If it is allowed, do some additional research and include quotes from the authors. Remember that, under APA citation rules, direct quotations of more than 40 words are put in their own paragraph in a free-standing block quotation on a new line, indented five spaces from the left margin. This can take up a lot of room!

3. Extend your subject to include a comparison with what is taught in private schools, or to explore the history of fine arts in the public schools -- how did the teaching of fine arts in public schools begin? What trends or social phenomena caused this to change over time?

4. Use the maximum margins allowed.

The only way to really know whether a lower page count is acceptable for this assignment is to ask your instructor, but if that's not an option for you, I hope these suggestions will help.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Every thing was gray in my eye, the sky, buildings, ground, people, and even buses. Is this America? [4]

Greetings!

I would think that you are an extremely hard-working, intelligent, and exceptionally brave young person who would be an asset to the university!

While colleges these days certainly want students who are academically gifted, they also want students who will become successful in their fields and who demonstrate leadership abilities. Those who show the determination and initiative that you apparently have will be those who are noticed most by admissions committees.

I wish you the best in your educational pursuits!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Two short essays - I don't understand what's being asked of me! [2]

Greetings!

I can understand your confusion. Let's try to cut through the fancy language and get to what it means.

"How do we understand, read, and define represented bodies whether in the mass media, fine art, or fashion?" - By "represented bodies" I assume he means images. So, how do we perceive images/pictures? How do our own experiences influence how we interpret these images?

"demonstrating how the body can be deployed as a site/sight that troubles traditional 'binary' relationships within 'representation'. - This one's a little denser, so let's take it one part at a time: "deployed" = used; "site/sight" = location/image; "troubles" = "to agitate; stir up" [probably the best choice among the definitions]; "binary" = two; "representation" = expression by a symbol; image. So that gives us "how the body can be used as both a location and an image that agitates or stirs up traditional relationships involving two (of something) as it relates to symbolism or imagery." My guess would be that the binary relationship he's interested in is that between the viewer of an image and the image itself -- though I could be wrong about that.

I don't even know what class this assignment is for, so it's a little difficult to focus my interpretation of these instructions in the right direction. The only way to know for sure is to ask him. Most instructors are glad to explain an assignment to a student who doesn't understand it. A few are not. You won't know unless you try.

I hope you're able to make some headway with this. Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Every thing was gray in my eye, the sky, buildings, ground, people, and even buses. Is this America? [4]

Greetings!

Your essay does an excellent job of conveying how challenging it is to be suddenly thrust into a brand new culture and feel very isolated. Your command of English is good for someone who has not been speaking and writing it for a long time. However, as with any language, grammar can be tricky, and there are also certain ways of expressing things that might be technically grammatically correct, yet not be the way a native English speaker would say it.

Some things to get you started with editing:

Don't start a sentence with a number: "Three hundred twenty-seven days ago ... "

In English, nouns generally require articles: "through a 14-hour, 8,579-mile flight"

"the land of the United States." - but that sounds like a foreigner talking. Just say, "the United States."

"Without exciting," - I'm not sure what you are trying to say here; just take this phrase out and it'll be fine.

"I dragged my heavy suitcase passed through " - take out "passed"

"I doubt that if I was sent to a never-land." - say, "I began to doubt I had been sent to a never-land."

I can't go through the entire essay for you and correct the whole thing, but I would strongly suggest that, if at all possible, you get an English-speaking friend to read it and make suggestions. If that's not possible, go through it sentence by sentence and double-check your grammar and sentence construction.

You have a great start here, just polish it up a little and it will shine!

Thanks,

Sarah

Undergraduate / Interpreter in a Howard County event; ACTIVITY of importance [7]

Greetings!

If the paragraph you wrote, above, is the maximum length it can be, you could take out a little bit to make room for the American Help Union part, without losing anything too important. For example:

I was glad that I had an opportunity to be an interpreter in a Howard County event. I feel fortunate that I can speak two different languages: Chinese and English. After studying in America for a year, I have adapted to the new culture. Many students from other countries may face hardship in adjusting to the new environment when they first come here, so I can be of assistance to them. I am planning to organize an America Help Union to assist students who are new in this country. At the same time, I can foster understanding of cultural diversity within the university community, making it not only a university, but also a world village.

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Immigrants from China- Choose a Topic(value a diverse community) [2]

Greetings!

You are fortunate that you are exactly the sort of person the school is saying they value: one from another culture, who can bring diversity to the university. Your life experiences are broader than someone who has always lived in the same place and been surrounded by familiar things and people all his life. It took a certain amount of courage and belief in yourself to make such a big change. Think about your strengths and the challenges you have been through to get where you are, and use those to show the school that you are someone who will be both at home in their community and unique to it as well.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Interpreter in a Howard County event; ACTIVITY of importance [7]

Greetings!

Standing out from the crowd can certainly be a challenge. While I don't know how many applicants Penn State may have who speak both Chinese and English, I would think your having experience as an interpreter would help make you stand out to an extent. The only additional suggestion I might make is that, if you have any specific ideas about how you might assist your fellow students from other cultures, you might list them. It's great to have good intentions, and even better to have good ideas! :)

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Comparison of steel and timber frame buildings?? (Offices) [2]

Greetings!

A number of factors spring to mind as being important when choosing building materials: cost, energy efficiency, availability, impact on the environment, aesthetics, and variables related to strength and endurance such as climate, potential of earthquakes, flood, high winds, etc.

Googling "Comparison of steel and timber frame buildings" brought up some information that looks useful, including a thesis called. "Which is Better? - Steel, Concrete or Wood" That might be enough to get you started, particularly the "References" section, which will lead you to numerous articles.

I hope this proves helpful for you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Interpreter in a Howard County event; ACTIVITY of importance [7]

Greetings!

I think you have written an excellent paragraph! Just a couple of suggestions regarding punctuation, grammar and word choice:

"... two different languages ---- Chinese and English." More correct would be to use a colon: "two different languages: Chinese and English."

"After studying in America for one year, eventually I am able to adapt to the new culture, too." Better would be to say, "After studying in America for a year, I eventually adapted to the new culture here."

I think the word you are looking for might be "diversity," but rather than saying "the idea of diversity" perhaps "I can help to foster understanding of cultural diversity within the Penn State community, making it not only a university, but a world village."

Some of these changes are subtle, and certainly not the only correct way to say it. I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Children's literacy essay - Need Help [5]

Greetings!

It sounds like you have some good ideas for a place to start. Sometimes it helps to make an outline first (doesn't have to be in perfect outline form, since it's only for you) to help you stay organized and remember the important points you want to make. If you'd like some editing help once you've got a rough draft, I'd be happy to help!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Children's literacy essay - Need Help [5]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help. Are you needing ideas for how to write it? Or do you have one written that you would like feedback on? If it's the former, I'd need a bit more specificity about the topic, that is, what aspects of children's literacy?

If you can give me a little more information, I'll try to steer you in the right direction!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'A normal person can make a difference' - HARVARD - Diversity & Uniqueness [2]

think your essay does a good job of conveying the type of person you are, and how you have a talent for shaping the lives of others! The only real problems I see with it have to do mostly with the mechanics of English. I have put in bold the words that I think need changing and put my suggested changes following in brackets. (In other words, take out the words in bold and substitute the words in brackets.) If there is no bold word before the word in brackets, then I am saying you should add the word.

I hope this helps, and that you are successful in fulfilling your dream!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'AP biology midterm / Stubborn parents and NYC'(2 essays) [2]

Greetings!

You have written a couple of very fine essays! I'm impressed by the quality of your writing. There are only a few minor suggestions I would make:

"For instance, I add innovation to projects by designing a comic instead of a typed-up synopsis of a poet's life." This sentence is a little confusing. Using the present tense and plural in "I add innovation to projects" makes it sound like something you do on a regular basis; the second half of the sentence sounds like a one-time occurence. And I really can't grasp exactly what it is that you did with the comic. Can you make this clearer?

"After much persistence, my parents ..." It was not your parents' persistence, so you might want to change this to something like "After I persisted, ..." or "After I persistently nagged them, my parents ..."

"I disappointingly declined" is not quite right. You could say, "I declined, disappointed" or "I regretfully declined" but since you then go on to say that you took advantage of the libraries "without regrets" I'd recommend just taking out "disappointingly" and leave it at that.

Note that what precedes "and making the most of the trip" is "helped me write a rewarding article." You wouldn't say "helped me write a rewarding article and making the most of the trip" so either take out the "and" or take out the entire phrase "and making the most of the trip."

You've done a very good job here and I feel sure your prospects for getting into the college you choose are excellent!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Should college instructor distribute their lecture notes to students? [2]

Greetings!

Knowing that you are for distributing lecture notes to students is a good start. Think about why you are for it. To me, the most obvious advantage is that you get an insight into what the instructor thinks is important. Take three different professors and give them the same course and textbook, and they'll teach three very different classes. Each person brings his or her own perspective to a topic. Not only will professors' notes tell you what is important to them, they'll also tell you what is less important. Something which is discussed in great detail is probably going to be emphasized more on an exam than something which is glossed over.

In addition to the notes giving you an idea as to which topics and sub-topics matter more to the professor, the notes will also give you information on how that professor's mind works -- and that can only help you. I can remember once taking a legal writing course where only 2 out of 76 students did not have to re-write the final assignment. I was one of the two, probably because I decided to write it as much like the professor's own writing style as I could! (He probably never realized just why he liked that paper so much! ;-))

And of course, there's the practical aspect of making sure you haven't missed anything due to absence. A professor can't possibly cover everything in the textbook (and may add things that aren't in the text) so having the notes may give you info you wouldn't have if you missed class for some reason.

I hope this helps you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Paper on Immortality [3]

Greetings!

Immortality is an issue which has intrigued humans for millenia. It can be a fascinating topic for discussion. As a starting point, before you begin writing, you might try making a list of pros and cons. For instance: Pro - You'd have time to see the all the wonders of the world. Con - If you had relationships with people who weren't immortal, you'd continually be losing people you were close to. Pro - You could do more exciting things if you didn't have to fear death. Con - Life can be hard; you might just get tired of the grind and have no way out. After you make your list, it should be easier to decide whether you'd choose immortality yourself.

Hollywood has always been intrigued by this question and there are many movies in which the main character cannot die: "Highlander"; virtually any vampire movie; and, there's a new one coming out called "The Fountain" which uses that theme. If you have time, you might watch some of these for inspiration. As I recall, the Kirsten Dunst character in "Interview with the Vampire" was not happy that she had been made a vampire when she was still a child, because she would never get to know what it was like to grow up. That's another issue you could touch on: at what age would you stop becoming older?

I hope these ideas have given you a place to start. Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / SPUTNIK! (Essay Perspective) [5]

Greetings!

A discussion on a similar question can be found here:

There's a lot of information available online about Sputnik. For instance, check out NASA's site for a history, bibliography and links to articles about Sputnik: history.nasa.gov/sputnik/index.html

I hope this is useful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Tracking an Evolving Thesis (Concern about education versus degree essay) [2]

Greetings!

You raise some interesting issues and make some good points in your thesis. I'd be happy to give you some hints on improvements you might make.

Be careful about matching verb tenses. For example, "Before I commit myself to any class for this quarter; I looked up all of my potential professors ... " - commit is present tense, looked is past tense.

"people are diligently buried themselves" also mixes tenses.

Remember that semicolons are used only with two separate clauses that could stand on their own: "Before I commit myself to any class for this quarter" would be a sentence fragment, so you can't divide it from the second half of the sentence with a semicolon. The same applies to your last sentence.

"Is our main purpose in life is to get a decent well-paid job?" - You don't need the second "is." It helps to read your essay out loud to catch little errors like this.

"Much ado about nothing, some students simply don't like showing up to class." To me, this sentence not only is run-on, but also does not really make sense. "Much ado about nothing" means making a big deal out of something trivial. You could leave it out and be fine. Be aware that in formal writing, contractions like "don't" are not used.

"spontaneous apathy" strikes me as something of a contradiction. I don't think "spontaneous" is the word you are looking for here.

November 31st does not exist ... do you mean 30th?

Your paragraph on students at the "other end of the spectrum" seems out of place in this essay about students who just want to get a degree at the expense of learning.

You have a good start here. Go through your essay carefully, double-checking grammar and punctuation, and make sure if you use an expression that it really fits what you mean to say.

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Construction Economics work using actual market data - how to start? [3]

Greetings!

The connection between interest rates and the price of real estate is not difficult to understand when you remember the law of supply and demand. Most people must get a mortgage in order to buy a house. When interest rates are low, as they have been over the past several years, more people can buy a home. When more people can buy, demand goes up. When demand goes up, prices go up. So, low interest rates are linked to higher home prices; high interest rates, which make mortgage payments higher, will price some people out of the market, lowering demand -- and thus, the price of a home.

While I don't have a lot of experience with market analysis, I would think that gathering "actual market data" would simply be a matter of deciding which market you want to study (Orange County? New Jersey? the U.S. as a whole?) and finding statistics online which show what has transpired in that area over the time period you are using as an example (the past five years? since the '80s? the 20th century?). If you can use market data from anywhere, try doing a few searches to see what area is easiest to find information on.

I hope this can help you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / 'Global warming is taught in school for government to control us' - on global warming [3]

Greetings!

You've got some good research here, but I think your paper could use a bit of organizing. Remember that each paragraph should have its own topic sentence and that the other sentences in that paragraph should all relate to the topic sentence. Each paragraph should follow logically from the one preceding it. You bounce around a bit between "global warming is a real problem" and "some people don't think global warming is a real problem." An outline might be helpful in keeping your thoughts organized. For instance, you might have one paragraph that defines global warming and how it works; one on its effects on plants and animals; one on its effects on people (weather, flooding, crops); one on the nay-sayers and their views; one on possible solutions, and so on.

Your thesis statement could be tighter, as well. Consider word choice: "Global warming is a very real scientific study" may be true, but I don't think that's what you really mean. "Global warming is a very real problem with potentially catastrophic results" is probably closer. "Global warming has been caused by the people of the world." Well, yes and no. More accurate would be "Global warming is a man-made consequence of the pollution resulting from industrialization."

Be careful where you put your parenthetical citations. In the paragraph on Farah, you put it after "Many scientists around the world would beg to differ with this statement" making it sound as if he might beg to differ with his own statement. Generally, put the citation the first time you quote or paraphrase the author; it is assumed that you are still referencing that author (or adding your own opinion) until you insert another citation.

A few more things I noted:

"40% of it's thickness" - the possessive form of "its" has no apostrophe.

"The extremely noticeable changes are found when studying habitats" - would sound better (and be more accurate) to say "Measurable changes are found..."

"Scientist are now seeing a slow move northward." - of what?

"Most animals' native" - plurals do not take apostrophes; it's "animals"

"the earths temperature" - "earth's" - a possessive with an apostrophe this time! :-) (Nouns require them, unlike pronouns.)

"If your still a skeptic than listen to this." - first, it should be "you're" and "then" but you should not use contractions in formal writing, nor should you casually address the reader this way. "Skeptics of global warming conveniently ignore facts such as these:" would be one way to say it more appropriately.

"shanky" - not a word.

"The next step to have hydrogen refilling stations" - add "is" after "step"

"than the effects could be horrifying." - you mean "then" instead of "than"

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / I bought a book about essay writing and it is a real god-send. Essay Introductions? [2]

Greetings!

You have asked a good question! The answer is not one which is written in stone; it can vary, depending on the type of essay, the complexity of the topic and your instructor's preferences. When in doubt, ask! However, keep in mind that, depending on font size and margins, one page will be comprised of approximately 275-300 words. Therefore, a 500-600 word introduction will be about 2 pages long. This is a probably a reasonable length for your essay , unless your topic is very broad and complex.

You want your introduction to be long enough to introduce the topic and the focus your essay will be taking, but not so long that your readers lose interest before they've really begun!

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Starting my euthanasia research paper and my topic? [5]

Greetings!

The Jonestown events would certainly make an interesting study from a structural functionalist standpoint, examining how the insular "society" of Jonestown separated itself from mainstream society, maintained internal stability and survived over time until suddenly self-destructing. It would be something of a stretch, though, to tie that in to euthanasia. Would you be describing Jim Jones' actions as a form of "mercy" killing (from his perspective, of course)? Or did you have another approach in mind?

It's an interesting idea, but you might want to run it by your instructor before committing too much time to it.

Let me know if I can be of further assistance!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

Yes, I am very impressed with your progress indeed! You have vastly improved the grammar, punctuation, and content of your essay, and it seems to me that it fulfills the requirements of the assignment very well.

Every language has its own particular quirks. You may write a sentence which should be correct, grammatically, but which is not quite worded the way a native English speaker would do it. I will point out the few remaining instances of this in your essay; these are, for the most part, just "turns of phrase" that you just have to speak English for some time to learn.

And speaking of "some time" ... in your first sentence, you want to make it two words, as I did, above. The two-word form of "some time" means "an unspecified interval or period of time." You could even leave out the adjective "some" and just say, "spend time." If you say, "I'm going to do that sometime," meaning, "eventually," or "at some indefinite time in the future," it's one word. Confusing, yes? :-))

"Now when being a foreign student " -- better as "Now, as a foreign student ..."

"I feel relaxed after the hard-working at school." -- if you say "the hard-working" you need a noun for it to modify: "the hard-working day at school." However, it would sound more natural to say "after working hard at school all day."

"to come over the difficulties " -- never used in English; say "to overcome the difficulties."

"Now I have not felt as strange as the first." -- "Now I do not feel as strange as I did at first."

"I often told my friends about Vietnam, especially Hanoi, when I have free time." -- you have both past and present tense in this sentence. Say, "I often tell ..."

"I still love it much." -- for some reason, we never use "much" alone in that context. We always say "very much" or you could say "I still love it a lot."

"visit their countries on one day. " -- leave out the "on."

"my loved once" -- should be "my loved ones."

"The thought of me going back" -- leave out "me."

"I am then, prepared to face any challenges that lie ahead." -- if you mean you are presently prepared, that is right now, simply put a comma after "am." If you mean that when you get back to Viet Nam in the future you will be prepared to face challenges say, "I will then be prepared."

You've worked extremely hard and it shows in how much you've improved. Great job!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / How to Revising a Story into an Expository Essay? [4]

Greetings!

These are some very good questions. I've never heard of an "implicit thesis statement." While that doesn't mean one can't exist, it does seem to me to defeat the purpose of a thesis statement, which is to provide a concise and specific statement of the argument you intend to make or the question you intend to address. A strong thesis usually presents a position or assertion that can be argued, rather than just relaying a set of facts.

You could combine the first two sentences of your second paragraph:

"Thousands of World War II veterans, like Ah Keong, struggle with the psychological injuries of post-traumatic stress that are triggered by everyday sights and sounds." - This statement relays facts, but to express a "clear purpose" that takes a position, you might say, "Thousands of World War II veterans, like Ah Keong, struggle with post-traumatic stress that may eventually lead to alcohol, drug abuse, or even suicide."

You have then taken a stronger position, and the instances from Ah Keong's life that you relate will bolster this argument.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / How to Revising a Story into an Expository Essay? [4]

Greetings!

First, let me say how much I enjoyed reading your initial story! And I think you have done a marvelous job of turning it into an expository essay. To answer your questions:

1) I found the flashback very powerful and well-written, especially the use of short, clipped sentences for impact. But no -- it did not register with me that the flashback occurred many years ago; only after I went back and re-read your question did I understand what you were saying. I think you could fix that easily, though, with one sentence in the third paragraph when you talk about how Ah Keong's symptoms started right away; perhaps after "scanning tree tops for camouflaged snipers. " You could add something like, "The flashback at his daughter's school was one of many such incidents."

2) Although you had to add a lot of material, I think this is probably the only way you could have turned a story like that into this type of essay. I can't speak for your instructor, but if I were grading your assignment, I'd think you did a marvelous job of it.

3) and 4) - I'll suggest changes that will help with tenses (and some punctuation) and also with making the last paragraph more powerful:

"veterans like Ah Keong struggle with psychological injuries"

"Even though it has been sixty years since an armistice was signed"

"drug abuse"

"within weeks of his returning home"

"dramatic; he "

"deep inside of him: one was of the few blackened remains"

"the horrors and traumas of war [I'd pick one, not both horrors and traumas]; this experience would burrow "

"a Japanese mortar"

"The explosion, [b]however[b],"

"Deprived of the most basic human needs -- food, water, shelter, sanitation, and medical care -- how Ah Keong managed to survive captivity and preserve his sanity was a mystery to him.

"This is the tragedy of war: some combatants pay with their lives, others suffer long-term psychological trauma. World War II interrupted"

"those ills. Today, Ah Keong"

"the war exacted"

Sometimes, just chaniging a verb tense slightly, as in the last example, can make your writing stronger, as does removing qualifying statements like "For the most part."

I think you've done some excellent work here and I hope your instructor agrees!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Letter to the Editor ; "Tamiami Trail Scenic Highway" [2]

Greetings!

While I'd agree that science writing has its own style (as do other fields, such as law), you've done an excellent job of stating your position in this letter. The only corrections I would make are to minor punctuation errors:

lands adjacent to the trail". -- should be trail." Periods and and commas always go inside the quotation mark in American English.

"deny residents opportunities for cultural enhancement -- specifically the planned restoration of Monroe Station -- and kill plans ..." You need to set your Monroe Station remark apart with either commas or, as I prefer here, em dashes. (This font doesn't really do em dashes, so I had to use two hyphens.)

I think your PR work is in good hands!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Religion is Great? OR it isn't ?; Satirical essay [2]

Greetings!

You have a great start here on a satirical essay! You have some good lines (jokes) in your essay.

An important concept of satire is that the humorous point is often made by saying the opposite of what you really mean. For instance, when you say that the great thing about religion is that "the decisions on how to live your life have already been made" you are impliedly saying that religion keeps you from thinking for yourself. If that is the point you intend to make, then you have made your point, satirically. If, say, you wanted to make the opposite point -- that religion helps keep people from making bad decisions -- you might say something like, "Since I dropped religion and started thinking for myself, I have a lot more freedom; I was discussing that with my cell mate here at my new home just last night ..."

Another way to express satire is to connect two things that don't belong together, such as when you say you have to get to church in the morning "after a long night of heavy drinking at the club." This contrast demonstrates how much going to church helps -- religion isn't interfering at all with your partying.

A few technical notations about your writing:

"Basically it usually takes place in a church and a priest gives me a free bath, but you should only go when you are really dirty. After this takes place I am ready to be a Christian." -- Switching back and forth between second and first person (you/I) is confusing; stick with one.

In your paragraph about Mad Cow Disease, you are mixing pork with beef: bacon, spare ribs, ham, sausages and pork chops come from pigs (I haven't heard of pigs getting Mad Cow); rib roast is a cut of beef and steaks are generally, too, unless specified as pork steaks.

I don't really feel that the questions you ask at the end add to the satire. If your satirical writing does its job, you shouldn't need to draw attention to the fact that it's satire by asking your readers if they think you are mocking religion.

I hope these comments are helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Need help with AP European History [3]

Greetings!

It's always helpful when tackling an assignment like this to first make sure you have defined what it is you are researching. Something as general as "a social issue" is harder to research than a more specific topic.

What IS a "social issue," anyway? The most on-point definition I found (in the Free Online Dictionary) was "Of, relating to, or occupied with matters affecting human welfare: social programs." All right -- what affects human welfare? Health is the first thing that came to my mind. European countries, unlike the U.S., have universal health care systems. How did this happen? That's a paper topic.

Let's try another. The economy affects human welfare. There have certainly been major economic changes in Russia and Germany since WWII; private ownership of property? inflation? taxes? All issues that could be explored.

Or take the "social programs" aspect of our definition. Did Russia have a "welfare program" (as we know the term) when it was a part of the U.S.S.R.? Did any Soviet countries? I have no idea, but I expect someone has written on that topic.

If you still have trouble finding what you want, try picking a few of those scholarly journals and cruising their table of contents. That should yield a few ideas.

I hope this has been helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / AVIATION ; ACADEMIC INTEREST & CAREER GOALS; BSC [9]

If they don't specify a particular format, I wouldn't worry about it. And yes, as far as abbreviating the college name, I'd probably write it out the first time you use it, then abbreviate subsequent uses -- although it might be nice to spell it out again at the very end, as a sort of summing up. That's not mandatory, just an option.

Good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / AVIATION ; ACADEMIC INTEREST & CAREER GOALS; BSC [9]

Greetings, Nick!

I'm glad I could be helpful. As to your question: it depends what type of citation you are supposed to use. If it's MLA, the MLA Handbook specifies that you list your name, instructor's name, course number and date at the left-hand margin at the top of the first page, each on a separate line, double-spaced between each line.

That is, if you don't use a separate title page. The title page has the title on line 20, centered; student name, instructor's name, course and date are single spaced, right-justified, one below the other, beginning on line 40.

If you are supposed to use another format, let me know and I'll try to give you information on that.

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / What is the career that most appeals to you? [4]

Greetings!

Please don't feel you have wasted my time in any way -- this is what I'm here for! In fact, if everyone wrote essays which never contained any errors, I'd be pretty useless here! :-)

I'll address your points in order:

1. I don't feel that transitional words are necessary for coherence most of the time, particularly within a paragraph (as opposed to transitioning between paragraphs). If one sentence logically follows the next, it will be coherent. For instance, you say "My friends and family were an enormous impact" and in the next sentence you demonstrate how by telling us about your mother's stories of family members. However, it's true that the next two examples you give might benefit from transitional words. I feel that "First of all," "Second," and "Finally," sound better than "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Lastly," though I suppose reasonable minds might differ. I do think, though, that in the following paragraph, you could leave out the transitional words and be just fine.

2. By all means, if that's what you learned in ethics class, stick with "social need." You're right, it's definitely subjective.

3. Yes, I like your change. :-)

4. I think that sentence is a little narrow for your thesis statement. When you say "therefore," it sounds like the fact that there "will be many future job openings in this career" is the sole reason for your choosing it. Perhaps if you broadened your thesis statement a bit: "I chose a career in law and security administration because it holds many future job opportunities which will allow me to help my local community while receiving personal and financial rewards."

Remember that writing is a skill and like any other skill, you get better with practice. I doubt that Sebastian Janikowski kicked a fifty-yard field goal the first time he put toe to pigskin! :-)) You're doing fine. Keep at it and you'll get even better!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Speeches / Suggesting a few ideas about Qualities of a good speech [11]

Greetings!

You have listed some very important qualities of a good speech. I will add a few more:

It has emotional impact: your audience feels something as a result of your words, whether excitement, joy, a twinge of sadness -- if you are inciting an emotion in someone you are connecting with that person.

It is memorable: people will remember what you said if you say it through an anecdote or personal story. Repetition can also be used, albeit judiciously. Different examples to make the same point or arrive at the same conclusion will support your position, provided you don't seem to be just repeating yourself.

It begins with an opening that grabs the audience's attention and ends with a powerful, memorable conclusion.

Thanks for your ideas!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'The cynic is one' - UA Essay [5]

Greetings!

I have to say, your writing is utterly enjoyable to read! I think BOTH your essays show you to be a candidate any college would be lucky to recruit!

I think your changes to the more "controversial" essay were perfect: you managed to keep the spark while toning down that which might have offended or irked. Excellent job of "murdering your darlings"!

The only possible change I might suggest is to the ending of the one about Pat and her garden. It was slightly anti-climactic. The imagery throughout was wonderful, and I chuckled aloud at the results of your dad's "imitation." But it seemed as if you were building up to something -- say, that Pat had added something strange and unusual -- and I felt just a little let down not to know what it was.

I am not familiar with the specific requirements of the Common Application, so I can't tell you how well I feel it fulfills them. The more controversial essay actually gives me more insight into who you are -- but if good writing is the key, I'd say you have that more than covered with either option!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / What is the career that most appeals to you? [4]

Greetings!

You have a good start on your essay. I especially like the way your conclusion summarizes the major points you made.

There are, however, some sentence fragments and run-on sentences, and a few other things I'd suggest changing.

"Such as the goodness, equality, freedom, truth, and justice principles which are deserved by everyone in treatment." This is a sentence fragment. Also, "everyone in treatment" sounds as if you're saying these things are deserved by people who are undergoing treatment for something. What about saying, "Everyone deserves equality, freedom," etc.?

"Firstly, I had heard stories from my mother of how my family back home, mainly my aunts and uncles, that are all high ranked cops or in the military." Another fragment, and I think everywhere you use "firstly" and "secondly" you should eliminate it.

"I really wanted to have all these qualities, who wouldn't?" That should be a semicolon instead of a comma, but you could probably find a better way to put it: "These are all qualities I admire and aspire to achieve."

"I believed that all people need goals in life, it is a social need." Another semicolon needed instead of comma. Is having goals more of a social or a personal need? Just a thought.

I find your first paragraph confusing. You say that you did not decide on a career early in life, yet most people would consider the end of high school "early in life." It sounds as if you are contradicting yourself; considering re-wording the first few sentences.

I hope you found this input helpful!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / AVIATION ; ACADEMIC INTEREST & CAREER GOALS; BSC [9]

Greetings!

Yes, I like your new opening! I think you have greatly improved the essay from the original draft. And yes, you are welcome to use any wordings I suggest to you. I have a few more suggestions, mainly to do with punctuation.

Most of the time when you use a semicolon, you really need a colon, because the phrase that follows explains or elaborates on the first part of the sentence.

"flying appeals to my senses: the pressure sensation ... "
" meteorology and flight physics: weather patterns at flight levels interest me."

This sentence is a little more of a judgment call, but I think an em-dash is the best choice, rather than a colon:
"located about an hour away-- in Bridgewater Massachusetts!"

This paragraph has its own subject, reading, so I'd make it a separate paragraph. I'd also change "affluence of details are ..." which sounds a bit awkward. I made a couple of other minor changes as well:

"In high school, I enjoyed reading novels such as The Great Gatsby and To Kill a Mockingbird. The richness of detail is difficult to interpret without reading well. I was motivated by this challenge to read carefully, and correctly answer questions based on the reading. This made the experience of reading more enjoyable for me and made English class one of my academic interests."

Then start a new paragraph when you go back to aviation. Your last paragraph could be worded a little more gracefully. I would suggest something like:

"I strongly believe that when I graduate from Bridgewater State College and enter the work force, I will have an advantage over most other people in the same industry. The aviation training program BSC provides is exactly what I need to prepare myself for the career I have chosen. I feel quite sure that Bridgewater State College is the best choice for successful fulfillment of my goals in the commercial aviation industry."

I'd say you're well on your way to a great career!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / American Poetry question [2]

Greetings!

When American poets are mentioned, a few standouts immediately spring to mind: Theodore
Roethke, Edna St Vincent Millay, Edgar Allan Poe, Sylvia Plath, Emma Lazarus, Walt Whitman, Maya Angelou, Edith Wharton, William Carlos Williams, Carl Sandburg, Emily Dickinson -- it depends which era you are referencing, but there are many American poets to choose from.

The Museum of American Poetics might be a good place to start if you are interested in American poets. Also the Academy of American Poets at poets.org.

Best wishes in your poetry writing endeavors!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com