Undergraduate / Physics is beautiful... (statement of purpose for transferrence to UT Austin) [6]

Thanks for letting me know Leo. Please give me the chance to adjust my advice to you then. I still stand by my statement that you must revise the essay. However, since you made it clear that you are merely a college transfer student, you can do the following when you revise the paper to better suit your prompt:

1. You still have to avoid any mention of high school regardless of how bad or well you did because you are told not to do so in the prompt. Instead, I see that you can talk about your current college experience and how your studies are doing at the moment. Don't talk about extra curricular activities. Just talk about what inspired you in life to pursue a career in physics. Why did you choose Physics as your major? Who do you aspire to be? What do you hope to gain or become by graduating with a Physics degree?

2. What are the compelling reasons that you want to switch universities? This part needs to be highlighted because as a transfer student, you need to make the reviewer understand that your reasons for transferring are purely academic and not social in nature.

3. Reiterate in the end that you see your future as that of being a physicist and as such, you need the best guidance available. Don't belittle your current university though. Say you appreciate everything they have taught you but you feel that you can learn even more at UT Austin. These universities, even though rivals, still respect each other academically. So relate the studies you have done at your current university as a bridge towards gaining higher knowledge at UT Austin.

I hope this helps you better draft a new statement of purpose :-)

Undergraduate / Physics is beautiful... (statement of purpose for transferrence to UT Austin) [6]

Leonardo, unfortunately, you need to change the whole essay because you wrote exactly about what the prompt told you not to write. The reviewer is not interest in your high school exploits or extra curricular activities. The university could not have been clearer about it since they said:


Since you did exactly that in this statement of purpose, you have failed to deliver the required information and as such, have just failed to gain consideration as a student at UT Austin. However, it is not too late to repair the damage. The damage is not permanent yet since you have yet to submit the document. Here is what I advise you to do in order to correct the paper:

1. Forget about high school and your extra curricular activities. This is not a college application essay. This is an essay that is asking you to tell the reviewer why they should consider you for the coveted slot of a transfer student. Therefore, your opening statement should be all about your interest in the field of Physics and how you have come to accomplish certain notable achievements in this field. This is all about who you are now, not who you were in high school. In fact, since you did not do well academically in middle and high school. it would be in your best interest to never mention it to the reviewer. The reviewer is not interested in the story of how you were a slacker in the 10th grade. They also do not care that you can play the violincello. Those stories and other activities are not related to your interest in Physics. Anything that can't circle back to your course at present and in the future should be left off the page.

2. Discuss the career plan that you have for your self. Since this is a statement of purpose, I can only assume that you are trying to transfer schools as a masters degree student. Therefore, you already know what your abilities are, how you developed those abilities, and where you hope advanced studies, combined with your previous experience and on the job knowledge, will lead you. That is one of the most important points that you have to make in a SOP. Without a career plan, you can't really convince the reviewer that you are going to complete the course. Advanced studies are not easy to complete so they need to know that you are dedicated to doing whatever it takes to see this action through to the end. Also, explain why your current school no longer suits your masters degree aspirations.

3. Expand upon your current research as it relates to your chosen field. Take note of and mention the ways that you feel UT Austin will be able to help you further advance that research. Be specific about the internships, training, or exchange programs they have which you plan to fully utilize in order to give you a better foothold in the world of Physics.

I strongly advise that you take note of my suggestions and write a totally new statement of purpose. The one you have right now should not be submitted. It won't accomplish the task it was expected to do with the reviewer. Take the chance to better address the requirements of the prompt. We will be here to assist you :-)

Scholarship / Despite the economic difficulties.... (KGSP personal statement) [3]

Evelyn, when you are asked to speak about your motivation to apply for the scholarship program, what the reviewer wants to know about is what your career plan is and how studying a specific course, with their sponsorship, can help you achieve that ambition. The motivation is all about where you are now, your plans for the future, and where you see yourself headed in the future. It is not all about the story of Korea and how they managed to survive and evolve. It is all about you. In fact, I can honestly tell you that your first paragraph and your second paragraph are totally unrelated and do not even transition in a connected manner. I suggest that you rethink what you want to discuss as the primary motivation that you have for your interest in this scholarship. Connect your intentions with the scholarship program for the strongest effect. By doing that, you will be able to transition the paragraph into something relevant to the requirements of the second prompt.

As for the second paragraph, when you say that your school made you a woman who can adapt to life, you should present an example of that trait since it helps to bolster your claims about your school being able to prepare you for higher studies. Also, you need to say more about the portion about your dad getting a scholarship. Try to connect it to your desire to go to school on a scholarship or relate something about how your dad supports your desire to apply for and get a scholarship because he believes it will be a learning experience for you. The rest of the paragraph is fine.

Edit the portion about your extra curricular activities and accomplishments. Mention only the most important ones such as the Math Olympiad and the Junior Achievement Program. These highlight some skills that can catch the attention of the reviewer. Skip the part about learning Korean and Karate, it does not really seem all that important here since you don't have accomplishments in that area. Talk more about the Minor Movement instead and your first summer work experience taking care of kids. That will show a sense of maturity that has developed in you because of your experiences.

Try to be more specific about the awards that you received. Talking about them in general terms leaves a question in the mind of the reviewer regarding the validity of your claims. So choose only your most outstanding and notable awards to discuss in this portion. Regardless of how few the notable awards are, those make more an impact then the general awards that you have mentioned at the moment. The idea is to show your ability to accomplish difficult tasks and be recognized for it. So don't talk about team awards. Concentrate only on your individual accomplishments.

Your closing statement does not really work. You need to focus your discussion on how the scholarship is necessary for you to accomplish even more than you already have. Make sure to let them know that there is actually a connection between the scholarship and your future plans. Explain a solid plan for your future and how this scholarship will be able to help you achieve that.

Undergraduate / I am a Mexican, and I will show what kind of people we are, we are excelling [9]

Excellent revision! You have successfully managed to come across as an individual who is conscious of the struggles of the community that you identify with. You also clearly stated that you know what your position in that society is. Your plan of action is clear and, should you succeed with your plans for your future, will allow you to alter the public perception of Mexicans and give hope to the members of your community. Letting them know that they too can alter the stereotype. The essay just needs some editing at this point to make it work better. Here it goes:

and that we illegally cross the US border.

But t These are all stereotypes, MEXICO is just like any other place in the world,

We then moved to the US for finding a better education opportunities .

, but s She had to leave all her work

country SINCE they don't have many opportunities,

becoming a successful MEXICAN IMMIGRANT who would show the world

These tweaks should help bring the essay to its final form. After you apply these changes, please review the essay again. Double check everything and if you don't see any more errors, you can consider this essay to be in its final form. That is unless you want to make any other adjustments to it :-)

Scholarship / Bamboo huts - QuestBridge (scholarship) Biographical Essay- Need An Insight [10]

While others would tell you that you should just avoid adding more information to your essay in the last part, since it seems complete enough, I am going to leave that decision to you. My opinion is that, should you choose to use the remaining word count, it should show how much you have grown as a person by explaining how you now have hope and dare to dream more for yourself.

As I review your essay, I noticed that you said you had 3 goals and responsibilities in life. Rather than simply mentioning these goals and responsibilities, expand upon them as the fulfillment of your aspirations in life. For example, how has your desire to complete college shaped your aspirations? How does making your parents proud help you become a better person? How do you see these past struggles and accomplishments give you an idea for a new direction in your future?

Remember, mine is only a suggestion. You can judge better for yourself if you think using the remaining word count will help your essay develop further or if you are comfortable with the content of the essay at the moment. 50 words won't really be much of a help to the essay if you do not think you can come up with the words to enhance your written work. The essay is already usable at this point, whether you want to try to make it better and how to make it better is up to you.

Undergraduate / I am a Mexican, and I will show what kind of people we are, we are excelling [9]

Jose, your essay is over the word limit by 3 words so you will need to work on cutting it down. As for the essay itself, I feel that it it comes off as containing too much bragging on your part regarding where you came from in Mexico. The wealth and the lifestyle should not be the center of your essay. The life that you describe does not identify with the typical Mexican community in Mexico. Neither does it represent a typical Mexican community member residing in the United States. So unless you can cite some examples to prove that the life you had in Mexico is typical of Mexicans, it just comes across as you showing off. That kind of image is not what you want to give the reviewer. You want to appeal to his sense of compassion and empathy instead.

You need to be humble in your response. Explain that while you lived a good life in Mexico, explain your mother's accomplishments but edit the part about the life of extravagance as that is not a typical Mexican life. You need to make sure you identify with the struggle of the group by saying your mother struggled in life to achieve a good life. Then she moved to the U.S. where you all had to start over as a part of a highly different Mexican community than what you were used to.

Your life in the United States made you realize that you are just a typical Mexican here. A part of the Mexican community that struggles to make a mark as an immigrant in a new world. Talk about how now that you are a member of the Mexican immigrant community, you have now come to realize that you cannot take what you have or had in life for granted because there is a tendency for people to prejudge you as a Mexican. So you have decided to represent the immigrant Mexican community by showing them that one can always use the inspiration of struggling Mexicans to show the world that Mexicans are better than the stereotype that they have in mind.

Basically, if you edit your current essay, you will be able to achieve the theme of my suggestion. I look forward to reading your revision :-)

Scholarship / Bamboo huts - QuestBridge (scholarship) Biographical Essay- Need An Insight [10]

Save for a number of grammatical issues, this is an excellent revision Tika. You were able to properly answer the prompt in a more concise manner. What you have to do now, before correcting the grammar, is divide the essay into more paragraphs than you have at the moment. Your first paragraph is too long to read. It covers 2 separate events at the camp so each event should have its own paragraph. That will offer a clarity regarding the topic sentence and also allow the reader a chance to rest while reading your paragraphs. Kindly consider which parts of the first paragraph you feel would be the best portions to start a new paragraph at and see if it will help make the essay flow better.

Now, as for the grammar issues, I'll show you the corrected lines below.

to HELP EASE our lives

I felt like we were lost in an oblivion. FACING AN uncertain, hopeless and unaware of the unknown, unappealing future.

intended to live a new life and raise my brother and me IN A NEW, PEACEFUL, AND SAFE COUNTRY.

[]S] Although THEN , in 2009

a program CALLED International

resettle our family IN the United

bring us TO SETTLE settle down

that promiseD me

Although w When I arrived at the United states, my excitement was quickly lost

in AN unknown environment WHICH MADE IT tough to keep up with all the bills

I was like a goose in the middle of all ducks.

Although, I attempted to socialize with others and get help but instead I got bullied.

I suffered both psychologically, feeling lost and hopeless, and academically , getting Fs in almost all classes.

but instead I SHOULD USE IT TO empower me to

myself IN school activities.

the mails MAIL

I have realized that life is like a ROLLER COASTER, sometimes there is satisfaction and sometimes discontent. - The roller coaster reference is normally used to depict life's ups and downs. Use that term instead of satisfaction and discontent.

RESPONSIBILITIES

I have to say, your essay really comes across as much stronger now. You have more conviction in your beliefs that your life experiences have helped you become the person you are today. This shows a much stronger voice than the previous version.

Writing Feedback / Talking about myself - environment, culture, or family history helped to shape my identity [5]

Catherine, I have a different take on your essay than Lakisha. My opinion is that you do not really need the first paragraph that you have. In the first paragraph, you talk about being taught about humility and empathy growing up. This is not something that really makes sense in its current position. I would save this comment for another part of the essay. Further down, after you have described the background of your family and you have already begun to speak about your own identity as shaped by your parents influence.

By the way, you spoke about your mother at great length in the essay. She actually comprises 80 % of the paper. Somehow, you forgot to make reference to your father and his influence in your life.You make reference to the plural form of a parent (parents) in your essay so I assume you just forgot about the father part :-) If it would be possible for you to include the influence that he has had on you, please do so. That will bring a balance of content and equally represent the importance of your family history in the paper.

While the content of your current essay is already usable as an application prompt response, I believe that you can approach this from a different or better angle. Have you considered writing the story from the point of view of lessons learned from your parents? For example, when you speak about the empathy that you learned from your parents, Talk about a time in your life when you were boastful, then use that to transition into a lesson from your mother about the hardships that she had to endure in order to give you the life that you had now. That would bring her struggles to come to the country, the under paid wages, and other struggles she had more relevant to your own identity development.

As for humility, you can use the same instance of being boastful to tell the story of your father and his hopes that you will learn from their life experience in order to become a better first generation American. Talk about his experiences that taught him to empathize with others. A trait that he felt you needed to learn because you love to talk about yourself. By connecting your parents experiences with a lesson that they taught you, the reader will get a better insight as to how your environment, family, and culture have helped shape your identity.

I will refrain from correcting the grammar for now because I am trying to help you make the essay flow better and use better representations for the lessons that you "learned", which also helped to shape you as a person, from your parents. I hope you consider my suggestions and come back with the 2nd version of your essay. If that version flows better, then we can work on polishing it :-)

Undergraduate / "Being a Twin" - talent / background / identity question for college essay [2]

That was most certainly quite an interesting background story. Your twin was obviously very central to your background and identity. The comparisons that you made brought the reader into your world as fraternal twins. The descriptions you used and the way you chose to separate your identities showed a deep connection between the two of you. I would however, have liked to have seen more about you in the essay rather the constant talk of shared existence. Which of the twins are you? Are you the one who excels or the one who falls back? How does being the dominant or weaker twin encourage you to be even better or help your weaker twin (as the dominant one) ? How does being the weaker twin encourage you to strive to constantly better yourself? You mentioned something about being a twin makes it difficult to pursue your own identity. What do you feel is your identity as influenced by your twin situation? Those are some points you can consider as you review your essay as the reviewer's interest could be further hooked by such details in your essay.

At this point, I would like to point out some grammar corrections for your essay. Here are the corrected portions:

highly ASKED question - A question cannot be demanded. However, a response can be demanded. Perhaps you would like to rephrase the sentence so you can use the word "demanded" in a better context.

nod their head in ACCEPTANCE - The act of accepting something in past form.

the ones who ask considering , it is

it also causes our relationship to FAIL at times. - Fail is the better term to use as it connotes a failure to continue the relationship for some reason.

we really are . Yet, we

because we simply add to one - one what? Life? I think this line is a little vague, be more specific.

comes with one EXCELLING in a certain field,

WITH the other

we plan our futures to the outside world .

Perhaps you could insert a line to show your unique personality even though you are a twin. It is important to show that in terms of your identity. The twin story is a good background story like I said, but it needs to have your unique voice in it, about who you are apart from being a twin, that makes the interesting aspect stronger.

Undergraduate / Skipping the school never was in my interest, I'm focused on the success only - UCF essay [4]

Anthony, your character traits are indeed admirable as a student and as a person. However, the prompt is asking you to describe your social skills in relation to the possibility of your becoming a member of the UCF community. So while you spoke very strongly of your personal strong points, it is your social skills that you need to highlight this time.

Some examples of the social skills that you can discuss are some of your extra curricular activities. Something along the lines of your participation in charitable activities, community service and the like are normal responses to this essay. This would be a good time to show off your leadership skills if you have had any experience in the past. For example, if you headed the prom committee or started a community outreach project, let the reviewer know about it. He will be very interested to know about that side of you.

The essay needs you to discuss some ideas that you have for the further development of the social life of the UCF community. I suggest that you look into the kind of social activities that the university enjoys mounting by searching for those on the internet. Then base your response upon those activities, adding some new ideas or activities that you feel can help further promote student camaraderie and kinship. Once you do that, then your response to the essay will have been corrected and complete.

Graduate / Master degree and design abilities - correction of grammatical errors [3]

Yen, I'm more than happy to help you with the grammar problems in your essay. I will be posting my corrections below. I am just wondering though, are you writing a statement of purpose or a personal statement for graduate school? I sensed a statement of purpose within the essay that you wrote but then again, you spoke so much of your educational background that it could be a simple personal statement. Can you clarify what you are trying to write? If you are writing a statement of purpose, the content of your essay is sure to change. Please let us know so that we can better guide you in developing your paper. In the meantime, here are my suggested corrections, written in all caps.

WHILE I am diligent and aspiring

, I am also very easily to GET ALONG with.

myself EXCELLENT IN analysing.

from THE air force, and now WORKS as an ADVISER.

Also I have got a younger brother who is still studying at a high school.

HARMONIOUS is the very word to describe my family.

Although HEAVY WITH HIGH SCHOOL WORK LOADS

I have never stopped improving

Because of my passion for arts, I have decided to apply for design, and luckily being accepted by industrial design department of xxx University as the second place. - Grammar rules dictate that no sentence can begin with Because. You also need to clarify what you mean by "the second place".

DURING the first year, in order to catch up with MY classmates, I have been focused on every lesson I have attended, and also spent a great amount of time practising hand drawing as well as making models.

DURING MY sophomore year,

I have LEARNED not only how to

STUDENT life

I LEARNED how to communicate with other people

MY CLASSMATES AND I

also teamed-UP to participate IN A NUMBER of competitions

such as THE IF concept design

activities held by THE school

, I am working ON a project

DESIGNED TO IMPROVE household electronics

aiming to meet THE MARKET'S needs

WHERE I MAINLY WRITE RESEARCH SUMMARIES

in THE Young Designer Exhibition

filtering A myriad OF information

master students USE

I have LEARNED that enable

I look forward to reading your revision and the clarification regarding the type of essay you are trying to write :-)

Graduate / Accomplishments and experience I gained - SOP for Masters in MIS from WPI [13]

Shalini, the essay has improved from the first draft. There is a problem with your word count at this point because a normal SOP has a maximum of 500 words and your current essay has 629 words in it. So you need to take off 129 words from this version. Do you think there is any way that you can remove those words yourself? I am not sure which portions you might want to cut down on so I would rather that you review the essay and delete certain portions yourself. What I can do for you at this moment is suggest which portions I think you should consider cutting down on.

You can start with paragraph 1 and 2. I feel that you can combine the content of the 2 paragraphs by editing it to flow as a single paragraph. Try to restate the information in a shorter manner. My suggestion is to try to do it in a maximum of 10 sentences. Then, there is also paragraph 4. I feel that this portion is too long and, while informative, can use some editing to make it more interesting and relevant to your application. Right now, I am not really sure that the whole paragraph helps the essay inform the reader. Paragraph 5 can also be edited. I want you to pay specific attention to:

My forbearance and expertise to overcome complications is evident from my accomplishments so far,

I don't feel that this is necessary information in the essay. Rather, I would rather just retain:

I'm positive that with the course structure, curriculum and the real- world approach offered by WPI it will play a huge role in my life as both a student and a professional. Clear understanding on your curriculum, shows that I will be able to design new process and implement IT solutions meet the business requirements.

That portion really seems to make sense when considered in the totality of the essay. So when edited properly, it will give more credence to your application.

Right now, we have to concentrate on making the statement shorter while informative. All the grammar problems and sentence structure issues can be corrected after that.

Graduate / Why chemical engineering? 'My decision stemmed from exploring and understanding myself' [2]

Hyun, you are discussing a statement of purpose. So there is no room in the essay for your psychological background. It does not have any clear connection with your desire to get an MS in chemical engineering. The first part of your essay is really unnecessary in the development of your SOP. Your ability and your desire to learn does not really have any impact upon the reviewer. He is not interested in why you think the life of a graduate student would suit you. What he is interested in though are your internship and professional accomplishments in the field of chemical engineering (if any).

It is because of the focus of the reviewer that I believe your essay is too long and not as informative as it should be. You need to review your essay and pick out the portions that will best portray your abilities and accomplishments as a professional in this field. You can skip paragraphs one and two because these cause your essay to run longer than it should.

Since you do not really have any professional background to speak of at the moment (since you are an undergraduate), you should work on highlighting the research aspect of your academic life. If I were to write your essay, I would use the following paragraph to open my essay. :

My ultimate career goal is to become a great researcher and enroll into M.S using the thesis option that xxxx offer, which will definitely act as a stepping-stone towards my future goals.

If you work on developing this portion essay by introducing some sort of future research that you want to undertake with the university's help, then maybe your lack of professional experience prior to applying for masters studies may not matter so much. Normally, an MS applicant has at least 3 years experience in the field before he applies for admission to higher studies. Since you don't have that kind of experience, we should direct the attention of the reviewer towards your future goals instead. That way you can show them that you at least have a solid career path that you want to pursue after graduation.

The last paragraph that you have right now can be revised to better reflect your desire for admission to this university. It should be revised after you revise the earlier part of your essay. That way you will have written a totally new essay that better depicts your interest in graduate studies. If you post the revision in this thread, we can help you further polish it.

Writing Feedback / Today people are not polite to each other, but why to blame; the world if full of fierce competition [2]

Shang, you wrote a pretty good essay. However, the prompt that you responded to in your essay does not really apply to the prompt that was originally given. You kind of misunderstood the prompt. You were being asked to discuss whether it is correct to accept that people should not be expected to be polite to each other anymore, not whether politeness is important in our current time. The TOEFL test is all about English comprehension. The minute you make a mistake in your restatement of the thesis and do not give the correct response to the prompt, then you will have automatically failed the test.Regardless of the misunderstanding, I will tell you that there is a portion of the essay that actually began to respond to the prompt in the proper manner. I decided to pick it out of your original essay to show you which part I am talking about. It is this portion:

Granted, some may claim we cannot expect people to be polite to others, on account of that most of the people are undertaking a lot of pressure and facing a large amount of issues in their busy daily life, for instance, they need to cope with the complex personal relationships and receive the comments from the others, which means mankind are easy to be upset and distracted in that case. Therefore, it is reasonable to be rude to others

Do you see how this paragraph works very well in restating the prompt and giving an overview of the discussion that you should have made in the next paragraphs? If you had continued arguing the essay along these lines, you would have successfully responded to the prompt :-)

So what can we do to fix this problem? Look at the reasons that you used to justify the rudeness of people to one another. Take each reason and discuss those as separate paragraphs. Completely discuss each reason in 3-5 sentences. You will need to revise your conclusion as well. Keep the response at 3-5 lines because you only have 30 minutes to respond to the essay prompt. Keeping your response short but informative is of the utmost importance during the actual test.

I look forward to reading your revision. I tried to explain the prompt question to you as best as I could. I hope I was able to help :-)

Graduate / Accomplishments and experience I gained - SOP for Masters in MIS from WPI [13]

This is an acceptable statement of purpose. You gave enough attention to your past academic accomplishments and your professional accomplishments. However, I believe that you should shorten the portion about Ms. Tapa. The reviewer does not need to learn that information about your previous exposure or the seeds of your interest. An SOP is not about the past. Rather, it is a look into your future.

Your future plans. That should be solidly reflected in the SOP. Right now, you have presented some pretty good professional accomplishments but you have not really totally presented your future plans. It often impresses the reviewer when he reads an SOP that clearly explains how the masters degree will help you advance your future career. That is because you can present a study path for yourself as a masters degree student.

The study path will help to strengthen your conviction that this is the career path for you. As a masters degree student, you should show the reviewer how you plan to take advantage of the offerings at the university. Mention how you plan to use the internship program. Explain any research projects that you plan to undertake while studying there and how you will share the results with the university to help enhance its image as an institution. You have to convince the university that you are a student that they should not take for granted because you are a talent that they will benefit from.

If you restructure the first 2 paragraphs relating to your introduction to this field, you will be able to properly concentrate the essay on the portions of your statement of purpose that matter. Right now, with the inclusion of the first two paragraphs, your essay is somewhere in between a college application essay and an SOP. We need to make it sound more like an SOP and with the edits that I am suggesting, we will be able to help you achieve that.

Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore?----Social Responsibility, Media and Writing [5]

Jize, A few suggested revisions. Sorry, I think I missed these the first time out. Then again, that is why a draft needs to be constantly reviewed. To make sure that you catch the mistakes you missed the first time.

heartbeats .

I will wear a big pair

and READ - I think read is the better term since you are in the corner of a library. What does someone do in a library? Read :-)

I WILL SEEK help AT the Writing Center

More than HEARING different stories and voices, I am going to PUT social

into practice . LIKE others

And THOSE dreams,

My opinion is that you can already use the essay after you apply these corrections. Good luck :-)

Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore?----Social Responsibility, Media and Writing [5]

Jize, this is one time that your use of flowery language and visual descriptions has come in very handy. Those creative gifts of yours have helped you develop a very unique yet character and trait introducing response to the prompt. That said, I believe that there are some points that should either be left out or edited for clarity though. Then, there are also some grammar issues to address. Shall we get to work? My corrections are as follows:


- Could be better phrased as" I feel that Swathmore and I share the same heartbeat."

hold a fiction BOOK, a COMIC BOOK or a Cantonese introduction

IN the corner of the library.

How did intellectuals communicated with each other

vernaculars impeded

HOLD a seminar,

through THE Honor Program OF SWATHMORE

I will enjoy defending my thesis, like a graduate student to be intellectually challenged. - Not really necessary because you are just telling the reviewer what attracts you to Swathmore. The thesis is irrelevant.

real films FOR THE Tri-Co Film Festival.


- This needs to be clarified. Will you be performing this as part of your research or thesis at Swathmore? If so, discuss it in a manner that reflects that. How can Swathmore help you do this?

Not only am I EXCITED ABOUT direct research opportunities and rigorous yet collaborative academics here, but also expect TO MEET AND HELP OTHERS AT Lang Center, with my camera and notebook, to hear different stories and voices.


- What do you hope to accomplish by doing this?

should be realized at

Take note of the points you have to clarify. Revise the essay and be conscious of the word limit :-) If you can post the revision here, we'll let you know if there may be anything that still needs improvement or revision. Good luck!

Scholarship / Bamboo huts - QuestBridge (scholarship) Biographical Essay- Need An Insight [10]

I agree that your essay got blown out of proportion Tika. You don't really need to discuss, in such vivid detail, your life on the camp. Just give an overview of that life leading into the immigration to America. One to three sentences depicting those information. will definitely help to shorten the essay. Let me make a clear suggestion as to which part of your essay I find most effective as an introduction. It is this whole portion:

When we arrived at the United states, my family was my responsibility in certain needs because I was the only that spoke broken English. I explained to my parents the mails we received...

I believe that this will be an excellent part of your opening statement. Revise what you have now to become shorter then offer a larger part of the introduction to your main point, surviving in a new world. Discuss your experience as an immigrant person, not your full on family experience, just concentrate on yourself, in order to depict the context in which you grew up. These are the parts that should comprise your first paragraph.

For your second paragraph, you can discuss how those challenges you faced growing up served as your inspiration to aspire for better things in life or a brighter future. This is the paragraph where you can discuss your family members and their influence on you. What hardships did they face in raising you in the U.S.? Those will be part of the factors that comprise your aspirations. Choose one significant moment for your mother and one for your father. Don't overstate things. Just be straight to the point. You only have 800 words to work with. So edit your thoughts before you type it.

I really do not see any portion in the latter part of your essay that describes your academic successes. You need to work on that. Don't talk about your future plans. It has no bearing on the prompt topic so it will just take up needed words in your count. Avoid discussing anything irrelevant to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Will admissions sneer at my essay? You decide! Applying UCF. [5]

Wow! You did very well in revising your essay. You left out the unimportant parts and totally focused on the school and the relationship you look forward to creating with them. There are some points that need a little tweaking though. Let me post the corrections below:

actually want you to succeed AND push you to do your best.

right for me .

and It's apparent

that UCF has to offer.

place WHERE I want to start my life

my goals ON this school.

greatest THINGS I could

After you apply my suggested changes, I want you to review the whole essay again and consider the content. Make sure you expressed everything important within the word count. If you feel like you can do better by revising, deleting, and adding some points, don't be afraid to do so. It never hurts to have 2 statements answering the same question. You always go with the statement you feel is strongest for you.

Scholarship / I'm a teacher surrounded by the happy students - a journey through time to the 2025 [5]

Nguyen, what is missing from your opening statement is a solid and clear introduction regarding what is about to unfold. Since this a typical day that you are describing, you need to get more visual in order to bring the reader into your world as you see it. Describe the sounds of birds coming into your bedroom window, the warmth of the bed you sleep in, and then the sound of the alarm clock. Instead of simply saying "Let's get started." Make it more interesting. Say something like"Another day, another child to teach. Time for me to get started." By presenting the sentence that way, you give an idea regarding the events to follow.

The second paragraph can also be improved using a better description. There is a better way to present this. For example:

The students of (name a fictional school) are waiting outside as I pull up to the parking space. Waving at me, I wave back and sigh. Could I have imagined myself in this content and happy position 10 years ago? When my parents were against my choice of a teaching career at the age of 18? I think back to ten years ago and realize how much I have changed. Then I was a daredevil and headstrong. Which is why I chose to become a teacher despite the low income. I wanted to prove a point to my parents. That dedication to the job and a desire to change the world somehow is more important than the money a job brings to a person. I have changed physically since then, but my dedication and principles, my desire to influence and enlighten young minds, remain the same.

You could base the revision of your paragraph upon the sample I gave you.

My students file into the classroom when they see me walk into the school halls. In classroom 1A they sit behind desks with curiosity and excitement on their faces. "What is my teacher going to teach me today?'' they think. It is my job to everyday, motivate these children to learn. Feed their curiosity, and teach them about life and academics. I decide to tell them about how my UWC scholarship changed my life 10 years ago. Their faces open up to the wonders of the world as I tell them about my adventures. As they sit looking admiringly at me, I know that I have once again, touched their lives and inspired them to think of a better future for themselves.

I am giving you this example so that you can see how using imagery and dialogue can turn your straightforward but interesting essay into a delightful and enjoyable read for the reviewer. You have to aim to hold on to his interest since he reads hundreds of these essays per day. Visual imagery, dialogue, and an interesting story, when combined, creates a wonderful day in the life of essay.

Writing Feedback / Professionalism of an organisation requires the introduction of an proper dress code [2]

This is one of your best argued essays. Your reasons are valid and come from everyday experiences and observations. This tells the me, as the reviewer that you have developed your English comprehension skills. However, developed comprehension skills don't always come with good grammar. That comes later on as you become more comfortable with the English language. That is also why I have listed corrected parts of your essay for you to insert into your current essay. Use it as a review guide whenever you can :-)

argue that perfect dress is prominent for staffs , others argue that

I believe that THE company will progress considerably when

workers ARE both well-groomed and HAVE THE skill to work.

In terms OF DRESSING SMARTLY ,

appearance is one of THE ways

and potentially impact how businesses performs effectively.

size up THE capability of other professionalS BASED UPON what they WORE AT the first meeting.

As an obvious instance WHEN

conducts A prominent presentation


- I'm not quite sure what you mean here. Please clarify.

he wears a wrinkled of clothes.

him AS incapable as

in order to decrease minimally valuation of clients to play along. All in all, Attractive appearance

reliably determines the level of trust in a business.

performance DETERMINES A company's success.

will GREATLY INFLUENCE

FOR EXAMPLE, Google - proper nouns always use a capital letter

IS ONE OF THE ... WORLD .

they HAVE A TIGHT RECRUITMENT PROCESS IN ORDER to find the qualified human resources SO THAT THE COMPANY WILL HAVE A GREAT COMPOSITION OF EMPLOYEES.

adequately supportS

having ability to keep up appearances

it will be able to decrease the level of belief.

if result becomes A priority, it should be supported by AN attractive EMPLOYEE appearance.

Graduate / A Conversion from Electrical Engineering toward MS Petroleum! [7]

A motivation essay is also a different kind of essay. Far different from a statement of purpose. As far as content is concerned, there are one too many motivations, aside from irrelevant extra curricular information, in your current essay. My opinion, is that your current essay is unusable in its current form so you should just delete this and start over.

In order to write an effective motivation essay, you need to go beyond your academic accomplishments and experiences. You were on the right track when you started discussing the energy shortage in your country. That paragraph shows how and why you developed an interest in Petroleum Engineering. However, your work does not end there. You need to develop your motivation some more.

Consider the current power situation in your country and ask yourself, "How can I solve this problem through the use of my Petroleum Engineering degree? What kind of solutions can I propose to help ease the problem? Analyze those questions and note your responses to them. Make sure that your responses align with a need to gain advanced training and information in the field of PE. Once you develop a response to those two questions, you will have created the basis of your motivation. From that point, all you have to do is expand upon your interest and your ideas for solutions. Make sure to use the words "I was motivated by" or "This motivated me to" or "I am motivated to discover" in order to remind yourself that you are writing a motivation essay and nothing else.

Base your motivations on real time problems and current situations.How do the currently proposed solutions help to motivate your interest in PE? Deviate and distance yourself from your college studies and other academic situations in your past. You are talking about more advanced studies, offering you a masters degree needs to be based upon your professional interests, desires, and applications. The obstacles you faced in college motivated you to pursue a specific course. What motivates you to improve your professional life should be based upon more mature and serious concerns. Keep that in mind as you draft your motivation essay.

If you can complete the draft of your essay and post it in this thread, we should be able to review it for you and help you align it with a motivational essay. Maybe we can even help you polish it so that you can use it sooner rather than later.

Graduate / A Conversion from Electrical Engineering toward MS Petroleum! [7]

Ahmad, the main problem you have with you written work is that you are confusing the content of a personal statement with that of a statement of purpose. I already see some parts of this essay that actually align with a statement of purpose. So all you have to do is edit the essay and drop the unnecessary parts in order to properly state your purpose for applying for a masters degree.

The 3rd paragraph of your essay can actually be used as the opening statement for your statement of purpose. Such types of essays look for the professional achievements of the applicant. While you can share some of your college the reviewer tends to consider your more recent training and seminars attended in relation to your occupation much more. The history of your college education does not carry that much weight at this point so delete the reference to that in your SOP.

You also do not need to discuss your extra curricular activities in a statement of purpose. That is irrelevant to the course you applying to and should be placed in a separate, if optional, essay prompt topic. The SOP should only concern itself with your current career, how you see the advanced education helping you advance that career, and how you think the university can help you achieve those plans. If you have a 5 year career plan, let the reviewer know about that too. He is definitely interested in reading about that.

Try to avoid repeating information about the university. The reviewer already knows what makes his university special. What he wants to know is how you can create a special relationship with the university with regards to your education. What will graduating from their university with this masters degree do for you?

You need to sound more professional in your SOP. The tone that you have right now is one that is best used in college application essays. There is also too much reference to your college days. Like I said, it is not really a big consideration for the reviewer. He needs to know what makes you special in terms of your current work interests. Prove that you can parlay the knowledge you will receive into an improvement for your career.

I think that you can use this information to start revising your statement of purpose. If you can provide us with your revised essay when you are done with it, we will be sure to help you polish it in order to make it usable for your needs :-)

Graduate / Optional Essay for WUSTL MSCA (300 words limit) 'interested in Master of Customer Analytics' [4]

Shiyun, you have a mistaken idea pertaining to the format of an optional essay. It is still an essay, not a letter. That said, you do not need to formally address this essay to anyone in particular. Just write it as you would a normal common essay prompt. With an introduction, body, and conclusion to represent your response to the topic which, in this case, is to state your interest in obtaining an masters degree in Customer Analytics. You also do not need to tell the reader that you will be stating your reasons for your interest. It should be obvious in the way that you wrote the essay. If you want to be very specific, then develop a properly formatted optional essay prompt for yourself and respond to it in your essay.

As an optional essay, I guess this is good enough. You have clearly shown the roots of your interest in Customer Analytics. I just hoped that you would have shown more of a relation of your past academic achievements with some notable career achievements to show your growth from student to professional. That kind of maturity often calls the attention of the reviewer and if the accomplishments in both fields are notable enough, it could help your chances at admission.

Can you tell the reviewer more about your published thesis? That is an aspect of yourself as a professional that is sure to earn your application points worth considering. While learning about your college interest in the field and the studies that you engaged in during that time is interesting, it is not as informative as learning about the process behind your thesis. Since it was published, you should take great pride in it and make sure that the people who matter with regards to your application knows about it. In fact, I believe that your optional essay should center on that topic.

Strengthen that part of your essay and pull back on your college information. As a masters degree applicant, the interest of the reviewer and the admissions committee (should your application get that far) will be more on your professional strengths and accomplishments, less on your college academics. That will most certainly make your optional essay quite interesting for them to read and consider.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The best way to solve the environmental problems is to increase the cost of fuel. [2]

Isabelle you should applaud yourself for a well developed essay. While I will be the first to critique that your grammar errors are quite numerous, I can also assure you that the grammar issues aside, your essay can stand on its own. You display a clear understanding of the prompt and managed to convey the same as an opening statement. That is normally a weakness in other students preparing to take tests. In your case though, that does not seem to be the case. As for the grammatical errors and sentence structure issues, let me show you their corrected forms below:

While it is said that DRIVING UP THE petrol price is the best solution

with the RISE in petrol price

would MAKE individuals

DRIVING less.

Thus, the greenhouse gas would be emitted less.

However, the increase in THE cost of fuel could not shift the usage of vehicles .

The inconvenience generated by this strategy is superior to the reduction in fumes - In formal sentences, you can never start a sentence with 'because' as it connotes the middle of a thought process.

FOR EXAMPLE, driving is essential

in most of THE countryside BECAUSE public transport is not ALWAYS AVAILABLE

The rising fuel cost only ADDS TO THE BURDEN OF the cost of living.

than RAISING the cost of fuel.

Individuals would consider public transport

TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THE HYBRID CARS WHICH USE

I believe that RAISING THE fuel price

Applying these simple corrections will correct the sentence and grammar issues of your essay. Thereby making an acceptable essay a stronger and better essay :-)

Writing Feedback / Education is a critical element to prosperity of any nation. Justify. [3]

Rahul, you have a good introduction. Well developed and threshed out. While I would have liked to have seen a compare and contrast version of your point of view, the fact that you decided to write this essay solely from your point of view is what made it quite strong. However your statement should have included a sentence that said "I agree with the statement that..." in order to show that you fully agree with the statement and do not merely agree to a certain extent. Your first person voice come across as analytical and knowledgeable about the prompt. That is sure to impress any examiner. Another observation I made is that you should have said; "With quality education, SOME nations are developing at a fast rate..." This sentence immediately balances the point of view regarding education and its connection to a nation's growth. It completes the thought of the sentence in a more concise manner.

Your second paragraph is good. The foundation of the point of view can be seen as viewed from the point of view of a person who reads the news and observes world politics. However, the stance that you took would have have more of an impact if you had cited a clear example of a country that has a high economic growth rate. A good example would have been either China, Korea, or Japan. These countries are well- known to place a high value on the education of their children as reflected by their economic growth rate.

The third paragraph also lacks a clear example in order to make it stronger. You already presented examples of countries in your previous paragraphs to help illustrate your argument. That is always a good method by which you can display your comprehension skills to the examiner. You should have continued the trend throughout. For this paragraphs countries like Japan and their reaction to the tsunami in , I believe it was in 2010, would have clearly supported your point of view and made it an inarguable fact.

Nice work with the closing statement. It wrapped up the essay with a bow on it. Good work on this essay. Just take notice of how using examples in your succeeding essays, be it public knowledge of personal experience will always serve to strengthen your point of view in an essay.

Writing Feedback / The question: does the adverts have a major impact on people's favor as well as their lifestyle? [4]

Dang, you have some pretty good thoughts going on in this essay. Your line of reasoning is sound although lacking in evidence. I believe that is because of the flawed thesis introduction you developed. There are a number of facets that need to be addressed in this essay starting with the prompt.

When you write an introductory statement, make sure that all the facets of the prompt are represented. These aspects are:
1. Restate the prompt in your own words.
2. Offer the supporting point of view in an overview sentence.
3. Present an opposing point of view for future discussion.
4. Present your own point of view no matter how partial it is.

Now, to address the grammar issues. I will be posting the corrected portions:

in advertising IN mass media.

I WILL partly agree

the products from

are so likely to

the practical purposes OF .

the same look regardless OF WHETHER THE LOOK IS suitable for them or not

THAT IS WHY, people seem to be loyal

similar mannerS.

making THE decision

REGARDING purchasing

a choice FROM the luxury items

Moreover, there ARE STILL smart consumers

who look for carefully

who look for carefully the products' information on the Internet,

they respect the quality at first rather than keeping up the trend.

I want TO again reaffirm my opinion

I decided not to continue editing your conclusion because you did not approach it the correct way. You should have first made it clear within the earlier paragraphs that you were representing only your point of view instead of trying to create a balanced discussion. More importantly, you added new information to your conclusion which is frowned upon when writing an essay. You could lose points for doing that. I suggest that you rewrite the conclusion to just be a summary of the discussion. Prior to that, please create a clear paragraph that contains your point of view and any new information that you want to present. That way your essay will follow the correct writing format and allow the reader to have a clearer idea as to when you actually presented your point of view instead of just discussing general opinions.

Undergraduate / Will admissions sneer at my essay? You decide! Applying UCF. [5]

Anthony, one thing you have to understand is that being in love with a city does not equate to being in love with the university. The city and the university are two different things and should never be mixed up. You accidentally did that in your essay. However, you can still recover from that error. Here are some tips to help you do that.

Start by looking deep into yourself for the reason that you applied to UCF. If it were not located in your favorite city, what would be the main reason that you would opt to seek admission to their university? That, is one of the correct responses to the prompt questions. While I understand that the city may be the main reason for your choice of school, it is academic interest in the school that should be driving your desire for admission.

You have interviewed some former students of the school. Surely they have discussed the objectives and vision of the school with you. You need to represent some sort of commonality between yourself and the school in order to further display valid reasons for your interest in UCF. Remember, the city does not offer you the grand opportunity at internships. Although it exists in Orlando, it is the school that offers the chance at a very interesting and grounded education. So try to repackage your statement about the internships around that fact.

Your second paragraph is actually quite good. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that you use that paragraph as your opening statement. Yes, I believe that will work well for you. Flip the essay paragraphs around. It seems to me that it would be more fluid and interesting for the admissions officer to read it in that manner. Care to give it a try? I'll be more than willing to help review your work again :-) Good luck!

Writing Feedback / The graph shows the number of West Indians and Indians and Pakistanis Immigrating to the UK [2]

Hiep, your overview seems a bit short. Most overviews, regardless of which essay test you are preparing for, contain a minimum of 3 sentences. You only have 1 sentence. Try to cut your statement into 3 parts to meet the requirement. Are you absolutely sure that you were able to properly introduce the prompt topic and your thesis in the introduction / overview? The overview is one of the most important parts of your essay so please make sure that you develop it properly.

There are a number of grammatical concerns that need to be addressed in your essay. Let me show you the corrections that I suggest you make to those parts. Let's start with:

immigrants to Great Britain

from India and Pakistan (Spellcheck for the name of the country)

increased steadily in two different regions, (avoid redundancies)

experienced A more stable rise than West Indians THROUGHOUT the period

people in THE INDIAN subcontinent

4 THOUSAND (Plural form)

continued INTO 1972

almost EQUALED 5 thousand PEOPLE

From 1972 WEST INDIA WITNESSED

period that peaked at

immigrating TO the United Kingdom

while India and Pakistan

1978 PRIOR to a slow fall in 1980.

wild FLUCTUATIONS

during THESE years

of MIGRATING people

WHILE the trend for THE subcontinent

SEEING A dramatic

kept FLUCTUATING AND last reached

Please note the suggested corrections when revising your essay. Take note of the spellcheck suggestions and review your plural forms. Some words have the same word used for singular and plural form as in the case of 4 thousand, which connotes a large value number.

Writing Feedback / "A Walk". Creative writing personal essay on a storm (descriptive) i need help making it longer [3]

Logan, your descriptive story has the potential to be a very good creative one. I noticed though that you tended to show the actions more than relate it. In order to lengthen your essay you need to have some sort of character development for the brothers. Give them names and dialogue that will help the story along. Don't just describe and tell the reader about everything that transpired. Paint the picture then tell us what happens through actions and words.

At the moment your characters are one dimensional and there is no sense of danger in the story. The conflict (getting lost) was not really given enough attention and detail to make the reader believe that the brothers were in any actual danger after the power outage. So you need to review your conflict and develop the idea to sound more menacing than it does at the moment.

You can start placing dialogue to lengthen the essay starting at the point where there was a power outage. Create a discussion between the boys that resulted in the walk in the dark.

Then, when the brothers are totally lost in the dark, create an ominous sense. Whistling wind, trees banging against a window, a car with only one headlight, these are all descriptions that, when properly utilized will lengthen the essay and also create a stronger sense of conflict in the story. Make the brothers talk about their fears based upon the ongoing scenario. Choose who between the two brothers will be the hero of the story and keep the other one calm and take charge in order to get them safely home.

I hope my suggestions help you out. I do not know what your maximum word count is but my suggestions should help lengthen the essay to a great extent. I look forward to reading the additional content of your story, should you still wish to have us comment on it :-)

Scholarship / I carry knowledge within me - Questbridge Bio Essay [4]

Rahat, you completely understood the prompt and developed an interesting and imaginative essay that actually takes the reviewer back to the beginning of your story. You show us the world that you came from and the struggles you had to overcome to reach the point you are at now in your life. While this is an essay that achieves the prompt requirements, that is not to say that it does not require any revisions, edits, or suggestions for further improvement. I'll be posting my notes and suggestions below. The phrases are edited portions of your essay with the corrections reflected.

my parent's point of view

The living expense

that forced my parents

grasp my parent's motives


- Justify this statement. Why did you develop less as a person in the U.S.? Wasn't your time here representative of the early influences in your life?

I could see destitute people

That is when I instilled a spark


- Try to make Arif sound more than just a tutor. He was part of your success and helped shaped your academic aspirations. Deepen the representation of your learning relationship with him if possible. Remember, you did not improve your grades alone. So this another representative part of the essay that should be threshed out. You can't just say you developed his intellect and perseverance. How did he lead you by example?


-Why so? Where was he? How did his absence further help to increase your desire to learn and improve your life? Surely there is another reason that your father struck a chord with you aside from what you say about having their expectations on your shoulders. Did he have dreams that you shared with him for yourself and your future? That is another way that you formed your aspirations so try to portray it in the essay.

there was no STRONGER driving force

I think that we can start with these changes for now. Maybe I can offer more comments and suggestions after you revise the essay and post the next version for review here :-)

Writing Feedback / Cbest - At some point in our lives, all of us have focused some sort of rejection or defeat [2]

Pb, this is a very good essay. While the grammar is not perfect, the story that you told and the lessons that you gleaned from the rejection are well expressed and portrayed. That said, I'd like to point out some problem areas in your essay with corrections:

institute of fashion design

I suffered many defeats during the selection

improve my performance.

My sister Sara has always been A role model to me

After seeing how much she ENJOYED this program , I decided

didn't have a knack for color, textile, detail , and style.

I spent hours working on PERFECTING A SMALL SKETCH TO RESEMBLE HERS.

I was really disappointed that I didn't get selected.

clueless ABOUT what to do next.

I got ADMITTED

INTO THE FASHION DESIGN program

Based upon this essay that you wrote, I would say that you are prepared to take the test and I believe your will have positive results :-)

Scholarship / Mission 2025, I'm part of the crew on space - UWC Scholarship [9]

Tong, I would like you to consider some guide questions that I think can help you better outline your 10 year career plan in relation to the prompt.

1. Consider the major that you wish to pursue in college. Make sure that this is really the path you want to take for your future.

2. Look through the internet for possible higher career positions related to your chosen major. Make sure to add the keywords "within 10 years" so you can get more specific results.

3. From all the possible career options available to your related to your major, which one appeals to you the most? Delve further into information regarding the career path you have to take in order to achieve that position in 10 years (if possible).

4. Outline the information you have gathered then walk away from the list. Come back in a few hours of the next day.

5. Think about whether this is an ambition that you can honestly achieve for yourself in 10 years.

6. Draft the story of your first day on that job or any story that you feel will provide an insight into your character as a professional. Concentrate on how you feel about that accomplishment. In your story, you can mention it as the ultimate result of a driven career. The end result of this specific date for you should be a career related opportunity or reward that makes all of the efforts of the past decade worthwhile.

While the essay can actually be about anything you want to write about, you need to ground your story first on the reality of your ambitions, your interests in life, and how you think you can change the world or make further strides towards the development of your chosen profession within a short period (10 years) of time. I do not know why this date in particular was chosen for this prompt. All I know is that you need to make a remarkable personal or professional achievement in this area on that date. At the moment, your current essay is more useful in a creative writing class than in a college application. If your interests lie in space exploration, offer up a vision for something that you might be able to achieve in that field in 10 years. Say for example, making an international effort discovery about space that can help the earth as you work with the team on the international space station or something similar to that.

Writing Feedback / Space exploration requires vast sums of money. Justifiable? [2]

Rahul, your essay should be along the lines of a compare and contrast essay because the prompt asks you to consider if the money can be spent on better things. I did not see you offering an opinion regarding that in your opening statement. In fact, your opening statement is very weak because of the way you structured the paragraph. As a sample, it should be written in the following manner:

There is a debate regarding the value of space exploration due to the amount of money it takes to mount such programs. A sector of society believes that large sums of money should not be spent on space exploration because it does not give back any tangible service to the tax payer. Others believe that spending the money is justifiable because of the technology that is developed for the project and then re-purposed eventually for simple use in everyday life. I offer the opinion that the money spent on space exploration is wisely spent because it provides a benefit to man in the long run.

You need to clearly represent the prompt and your opinion in order to give a solid overview of what you will be discussing within the essay. There is no need to mention that you will be specifically discussing certain topics.

As far as the line of reasoning within this essay goes, there is a lack of reasoning on the part of the discussion pertaining to the unjustifiable amounts of money spent on space exploration. Remember that there are 2 sides to every issue and in order to have a valid argument, both sides need to be discussed. Insert a paragraph that supports the argument that space exploration is an unjustifiable offense. That line of reasoning is missing from your essay.

You cannot use your personal perspective as the concluding statement of your essay. Your personal perspective is actually a part of the discussion and should have its own stand alone paragraph discussing the reasons why you support the vast amounts of money spent on space exploration. Using the launch of the Indian satellite would work very well to support your personal point of view. So bring that reference up to that portion of your essay response to strengthen your pov. Then write a summary conclusion of the information and discussion you provided to conclude the essay.

Scholarship / How Do I write 6-80 character lines? Is this correct or too many words? Special circumstances essay [4]

Jasmine, you currently have 1107 characters in this essay. As the contributor pointed out, that is something that a simple word processing program can help you keep track of. If you want to be able to respond to this scholarship with the briefest statement possible, you will need to throw away the current version you have. It just won't work for you because you have too much going on within it. Too many topics presented is the main cause of your over the character limit presentation.

The best way to present your special financial circumstances would be to refocus the content of your essay towards the origin of this problem. That is the divorce of your parents. when you start with that and then work your grandparents immediately into the picture as the sole providers for your family due to your mother's mental illness, you already present the most salient points of your response. There is no need to get personal with your story due to the character limit. You need to make simple topic statements instead of trying to tell your life story.

Since you are not being asked to explain how moving to Austin will benefit your financial needs, I don't feel that there is a need to tell the reviewer that your father lives there. It does not really explain why your family cannot help you fund your college education. Rather it is a solution to your problem. A solution that is not required in the statement because it does not exist in the prompt. So removing that reference will definitely help you meet the character count. Remember, never offer information that is not asked for because the reviewer will not care about it. It will just be passing information for the reviewer.

Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

Rodolfo, as far as I can tell, your first paragraph is fine as it is. However, just like all paragraphs in an essay, it is subject to your personal approval. That said, if you are not confident in what you have written then you know that the paragraph you have written is weak. We are not here to pass judgement on what you want to say. We are here to help you make it better, stronger, and relevant to the requirements of the prompt.

Why don't you try to write a few versions of your introduction? Try various approaches. Perhaps vary the content of the first paragraph until you develop one that you feel confident enough to use in your introduction. Then you can post the version you like best here for our comments and / or suggestions. Can you tell us why you do not feel confident about the content of your first paragraph? Maybe we can help you with it.

If there is a portion of your first paragraph that I would suggest you delete to make it stronger, it would be the reference to high school. As i said, this being a masters degree scholarship application, the strength of your essay should lie in your professional accomplishment alone. Introduce yourself as an accomplished professional through your career achievements beginning with your first internship. Highlight the age that you got it in order to impress the reviewer and explain the accomplishment you made then. Impress the reviewer with your achievements.

Whatever you do, do not try to insert your girlfriend into the discussion because that will make your application for the scholarship seem self serving and based more in personal feelings / attachments than a desire for professional advancement. Try to take a day off from writing your essay. Don't read it for a day. Then come back and read it. See if you still feel the same way. Maybe after 24 hours you will know what it is you want to change or strengthen in your essay.

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Writing the speech may just be the easiest method for you to attack this essay. It will only require you to assess what it is you want to say regarding saving Mt. Everest. Like i said, you set up the scene quickly then move on to the speech itself. Make sure to mention the date while you set up the scene.

For the scene, just mention you are at base camp for a specific reason (an award, participating in the clean up drive, etc.) If it is an award, try to imagine what the scene would be like at base camp and describe it. Limit yourself to 100 words minimum - 150 words maximum. Save the rest of the words for the speech itself. Quickly mention that the crowd has gathered to hear your speech in relation to receiving an award for saving Mt. Everest.

Once you get into the speech, you can mention when you first visited Mt. Everest, what it looked like at the time, how you felt seeing the destruction, and what drove you to start this protection drive. Mention what your original vision was for the project. Try to say that you surpassed the objectives (after all, you are being given an award for it) and that you have more plans for Environmental tourism in Mt. Everest.

Close the essay by saying something about the importance of saving Mt. Everest for future generations. Connect it to the survival of mankind if you can. Make a plea for cooperation in revitalizing and protecting Mt. Everest. Done. Finished. The speech will be complete :-)

I've already given you the guidelines for the speech. Please try to write it. I'll help you with it. Just stop being so defeatist in attitude and try. Really try to accomplish this. Put your heart into it. Ask for help from your friends, parents, and relatives if you need to. It can be done. Just persevere and you will get this done.

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Jackie, make your closing statement your opening statement so that it becomes immediately clear to the reviewer that you are responding to the prompt. The essay you wrote is a very good draft and offers a lot of opportunities to approach your essay in various ways. I can tell that you made ample use of the links I provided to you. I hope you saw that if you know the correct keywords and don't give up on researching, you will eventually come to find what you are looking for. There isn't any information that you need that isn't on the internet. So, now we tackle the problem of meeting the 400 word count. There are 2 ways that you can approach this as far as I can tell.

The first way, is to use the information you learned about saving Mt. Everest in creating a speech that you delivered to the crowd that gathered at base camp that day. Use 100 words to set up the scene and 300 words for the speech. Just create a simple description of the base camp and then formulate a speech that talks about your company's plans to save Mt. Everest. Close the essay by saying that you carry the hope that your activity will be only the first step towards a world-wide consciousness that Mt. Everest needs to be preserved.

The second approach, is to cut out the speech part of the essay and instead portray yourself as a hands on leader who came to base camp with volunteers and representatives of your company to help in the scheduled clean up drive. Talk about the way your company sponsors the drive every year and then explain why this day in particular is very special to you. Maybe you can say that this day is special because you received an award as an environmentalist or something. That would also work for this essay and will be easier to represent in 400 words.

Choose the approach that you think will work best for you and then try to revise the essay to meet the suggested approach. You might also have another approach in mind for the essay that you would like to try. Go ahead and try your personal preference as well. I'll be here to assist you with your draft revisions. Keep the faith. You'll write this essay yet :-)

Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

Rodolfo, are you familiar with the acronym TMI ? It stands for Too Much Information. I think that mentioning that you have a Korean girlfriend falls under that category. Just as with any introduction, you should allow the person to get to know a little bit about you. Just a little bit, the important and relevant parts of your personality will be the basis of your friendship, relationship, and kinship with these people. The girlfriend, I do not believe that it is important that they find out about her at this point.

Let me clear though, you can introduce her later on to your closest classmates, the friends that you will be making. Let them know you have a Korean girlfriend. Keeping an air of mystery about you is important because you will eventually be getting to know your classmates as well. If you share everything about you now, what else will you have to share with them later on? Keep your personal life private for now.

If you want to add any information to this introduction, why not introduce your family instead? We don't know anything about your family background. Where does your father work? Is your mother a career woman? Do you have any siblings? Tell us a little about them. You know what parts of your personal background you should keep to yourself. Giving an overview of where you come from is useful in this case though. Mostly because it will help your classmates understand more about your person. If you want to share some of your favorite traditions or holidays, you can give a background of those as well.

Remember I am merely suggesting these other topics in place of your girlfriend. If you choose to include that information in your introduction, then that is what you want to do and I will not judge you for it :-)

Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

Much better Rodolfo, there are just a number of tweaks that you need to apply before we might be able to say that the paper is ready to be used. My notes will be showing you the corrections to be made. It is mostly grammatical in nature.

Since high school my professional field HAD ALWAYS BEEN CLEAR TO me,

learning how to code.

I DO NOT HAVE ANY REGRETS ABOUT SPENDING MY TIME LEARNING ABOUT COMPUTERS AND MATH...

this EARLY curiosity enabled me to start working AT AN EARLY AGE.



I STAYED IN TOUCH WITH MY PROFESSORS AND THEIR RESEARCH WORK LONG AFTER I GRADUATED.


- Where? Always inform the listener. You are introducing yourself so details are important.



experiences FOR my

I could feel that I HAD chosen the right career for me.

analyst really EARLY

I WAS always dedicated TO my academic background.

FOR instance

Science Without BORDERS

researchers WERE selected

AS A RESULT of my academic performance

my English, I was among those students

Please take note of the punctuation corrections I suggested. It helps to allow the reviewer to visually pause while reading so that the brain will have the chance to process the information he is receiving.