Scholarship / Mission 2025, I'm part of the crew on space - UWC Scholarship [9]

Well Tong, you certainly surprised me with the way you wrote this second essay. It is imaginative, informative, and focused on something that can actually become a career path for yourself within ten years. I knew that all you needed was some direction in order to figure out what you wanted to write in the essay. I am glad that I was able to help you do that. That said, I have some critiques of your essay that I think need to be pointed out.

First of all, we lack a professional background for this person. Who was she before she became the founder of this group? Was she a teacher? I think she was one because she knows how to handle very young children. It would help to identify your presumed career path in the essay. Remember, this essay is supposed to prove that you have a career realization in mind by the time you reach your tenth year as a professional. That is why the professional background of this person is very important to the essay. Frankly speaking, I think you should mention that you own a school and that this program is part of the exposure immersion program of the school. That should help give a more authoritative semblance to your field trip and explain why the kids trust and like you so much.

Having said that, now we can concentrate on cleaning up the language of your essay. I read your essay and you are trying to tell the story in real time. Therefore all of your sentences should be in present tense. However, the time of presentation in your essay is a bit murky. So it will be best to make sure that the reader understands that by making reference to the present setting. For example, to open this essay I would have said:

Today is April 29, a day that starts for me with a breath of fresh air. - This way, the people know that I am living in the day and date.

It's a good start for me and my students excursion to

then from time to time one of the kids would stand up from their to ask me. : "Are we there yet?"

usual academic environment

to get there as well,

an educational program that I founded

that helps increase children and teenager's

from an early age

to change the

does not only

activities in

the satisfaction of influencing

one small student held my and hands and told me:

" I want to invent a kind of ink that will turn our drawings into green grass."

hear her plan

is trying to do is to be able to

ideas to improve

to become a reality

we go home, happy and satisfied

they learn today

Please note the changes and reflect the same in your essay. It is really a very good piece of writing in terms of ideas and really has some personal touches that will automatically tell the reviewer not only what your career will be in the future, but what your succeeding plans will be. Regardless of the grammar mistakes.

Graduate / Accomplishments and experience I gained - SOP for Masters in MIS from WPI [13]

Shalini, it is always in the best interest of your SOP to state the reason why you want to study further in your first paragraph. By immediately answering the prompt, you give the reviewer a chance to decide if he feels that your application is worth considering in the long term. It also offers you a better chance to develop your line of reasoning within the succeeding paragraphs. Think of the reason why you want to study as the theme of the essay. You wouldn't place that in the middle or at the end of the essay right? Let's see if I can give you an outline for your essay so that you will know what to present in which paragraph :-)

1. Reason you want to enroll in masters classes
2. Professional experience related to your interest in the course
3. Previously attended seminars and/or training courses
4. How the university can help you with advanced training
5. Plans after graduation

If you follow the above outline, you will also be able to further tighten the focus of your essay because you will only be offering the necessary information expected within an SOP. That is the standard format or progression in an SOP, but you don't necessarily have to follow any or all of it if you are not comfortable doing so :-)

Graduate / Work and volunteering - Personal statement for Master of Public Administration/MPP applications [9]

I have read your new draft over and over again and I believe that the only way that we can best approach the shortening of your personal statement is to have you choose which of the experiences you have narrated present you in the best light. You don't really need to go through a thorough analysis of each of your jobs. Just the important ones. I know that they all sound important and valuable at the moment but you really have to choose. While you can use some or all of these with other applications, right now, you just need to pick the strongest jobs you had and try to not call attention to any negatives you may possess as a professional.

Take for instance in paragraph five, you talk so intensively about a weakness that you have. Don't you think that you can save that for a different essay prompt? Does it really seem necessary that you portray your weaknesses in your personal statement? If I were you, I would use the personal statement to continuously enhance my image through the written word. They can find out about my weaknesses later.

If I may also be so bold as to make a suggestion regarding your 6th paragraph, I believe it can be shortened immensely if you omit some lines such as:

For instance as a director of a chain of elementary schools I recently joined my colleagues in voting out the Chair of directors, after we lost confidence in his ability to lead the Board. He failed to succeed in the role because he ascended to a senior position too quickly and lacked training in leadership and management.

It seems to me that the reviewer will take this as an assumption instead of as a fact. So by leaving it out of your essay, you come across as presenting a valid discussion instead. You can always add it back in when needed.

Upon further review, I think you can also revise your first paragraph. If you consider it, there are shorter ways to say what you want to get across. For example, I would present it this way:

I grew up in a part of the UK where few people leave their local area or go to university. I was happy to be an exception to that norm because I saw first-hand the stark disparity in outcomes for young people from different backgrounds. The frustration that I feel at the unfulfilled potential amongst so many poorer communities in the UK is why working to improve social mobility is my prime motivation in life. Since graduating I have worked for five years in prominent non-profit organisations in research, evaluation and policy roles seeking to address this challenge. Now I wish to undertake an MPA to further my objectives first of becoming a better social policy analyst and subsequently to work towards leading a non-profit or public body that promotes social mobility.

That is just one of the approaches that I would take to shortening the essay. I don't think I changed the essence of your original paragraph. That is the main goal of shortening the essay. Saying the things you want in the simplest way possible. I hope my suggestions work for you :-)

Scholarship / Why I desire to join the UWC community and reflect on UWC's mission and values - statement [10]

First of all, you will need to research the UWC mission and values. Then do a self examination and soul searching. Which of those qualities do you embody and how do you embody them? List those traits down and write down the reasons for the similarity. There are 9 core values. Try to find at least 4 values to discuss and interpret in your essay. Make sure that you have some personal experience to connect it with or that you truly believe in those shared values otherwise you will have a hard time writing the paper.

If you want to discuss Singapore, then do so in the context of the core values. Research the cultural, social, environmental challenges they face (for example) then explain how you would help to ease the problem using the UWC core values. Remember to integrate examples into this discussion in order to illustrate your meaning. Try to be serious. Your current discussion about Singapore is not really good. Specially since it has no connection at all to the UWC mission. Personally, I would rather you do not discuss Singapore. I don't think you have enough of a valid reason to make it a notable part of your essay.

Finally, talk about why you are interested in enrolling at UWC. Don't give a shallow discussion about how you want to travel and only see the world on TV. Base the response upon the mission objectives of UWC once again. Only this time, expand the discussion to include your plans for your socially conscious activities at the university.

Those are the points that will comprise your draft essay. Once you accomplish that, you can look into revising it with our help. Remember, you have to write this paper yourself. You already have the outline, that should be enough to guide you for now. It is a start. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Many awesome inventions in many aspects has been increased technology, education and transportation [2]

Nawaporn, I like the essence of your essay. It shows that you completely understood the prompt and, while limited by your English grammar, you still have the ability to somehow express your thoughts in a manner that can be understood. That said, I would like to call your attention to the corrections I have made in your essay. I'll explain the correction when necessary.

OVER THE last 100 years, many awesome inventions

Some people think that improving of transportation

I strongly BELIEVE that THE improvement of transportation WAS beneficial TO our country for two reasons

The first reason is everyone can get access to this transportation.

we went to other placeS by

Government also announceD A policy - past tense since this already happened.

50% OF THE cost of transportation fee.

So everyone HAS access to this transportation

the cost OF A one way ticket ON A high-speed train

buying 5 KILOGRAMS OF RICE which is too cheap in Thailand

as well.

GIVES US CONVENIENCE

too VAST

from THE northern part to THE southern part.

It was quite a waste OF TIME.

we have A low cost airline THAT ALLOWS US TO GET TO THE SAME DESTINATION IN AN HOUR and a half.

who LIVES

can meet EACH OTHER more frequently.

For example, my aunt, Jane, who was live in the northern part, married Jim who LIVES in the southern part. So, she moved to THE southern part and came back to visit her relatives only ONCE A year because OF the limitation ON transportation. After THE founding of THE low cost airline, she RETURNS TO her hometown more frequently than in the past. As Jane example shows, THE improvement of transportation helpS people BECOME CLOSER.

most BENEFIT for us for two reasons

every PERSON in my country has a right to use them. The second reason is it saves US MUCH time.

Graduate / Work and volunteering - Personal statement for Master of Public Administration/MPP applications [9]

Ben, it is quite obvious that you took all of our advice to heart. It is reflected in the way your essay has vastly improved from your first writing. This version clearly shows your personal connection not only to the causes close to your heart, but also to the betterment of the service through higher training. The fact that the paper takes so long to read makes it obvious that you were able to argue your beliefs quite well. If I may say tough, Rather than consuming the full 2000 word count, I would have liked to have read an essay somewhere in between 700 and 2000. 900 to 1000 ought to do the job. While a very detailed personal statement is excellent, you have to keep in mind that the reviewer may eventually tire of reading your paper. Specially if he has already 10 others before it. So if you could find a way to shorten the essay a bit, I believe it would help your chances immensely.

I agree that your essay sounds highly procedural. However, you cannot approach the paper from any other standpoint because your job requires analysis, which is dependent on procedures and factual data. Don't worry though, you were able to display compassion and real interest in the projects you participated in as you described the work that you had to do to fight for the charity organizations. That is an impressive feat.

As I review your essay again, I am wondering if you can't just choose one, the most important of all your work experiences to highlight, then make short mention of the other accomplishments so that the essay will be easier and faster to read.Would you like to try and shorten it a bit more? If you can shorten it, maybe the feel of a procedural essay will be lessened as well.

You might also choose to opt to take parts of the essay to create a shorter personal statement. You did mention that you were going to adjust the essay as needed for various statements. Maybe you should test that out now? It won't hurt to try :-) By the way, double check for spelling issues. Also, try to consider restating some of the longer paragraphs in a shorter and more concise form. I could have done some of it for you but I felt that you should be do that since anything I revise might alter the way you feel about and the message of the essay.

Scholarship / Why I desire to join the UWC community and reflect on UWC's mission and values - statement [10]

Phuong, you totally missed the mark on this essay. I do not see any direct reference to the UWC missions or values in your statement. In fact, your statement comes across as self - serving and selfish. Which is definitely not aligned with the mission and objective of UWC. They actually have 9 values backing up their mission that you can easily search for online. None of those 9 values are represented in your essay. What I can glean or understand from your current statement is that you want to be able to travel and obtain more information about other cultures. Then what? How does that align with the UWC mission and objectives?

Funny how you would do research on the country where you wish to study, but you did not even bother to learn more about the scholarship that you hope will sponsor your education there. That should have been the first thing that you researched. Then you would have had an idea as to how to align your interests and values with their own. For your reference, just type UWC mission and objective into Google and you will be led directly to that page on their website.

That said, this essay is weak and will not garner any interest from the reviewer. You already said that you heard about UWC's values and were impressed by the list. Why not revise the essay to talk about that instead? Present the values that impressed you and then explain how certain activities or beliefs of yours strongly support the UWC ways. Accomplishing that will allow you to better respond to the prompt and allow you the opportunity to present your possible contribution to the college. Don't forget to highlight what you hope to gain from this experience as well. When you discuss what you hope to gain, please do not say you will be able to travel to Singapore and enjoy their rich cultural heritage as you learn about their traditions and society. That will be a very shallow answer. You need something more impressive than that to impress the reviewer. Try to be selfless and caring about the plight of others in Singapore and explain how you hope to use the UWC values to help improve their situation.

Undergraduate / Physics is beautiful... (statement of purpose for transferrence to UT Austin) [6]

Thanks for letting me know Leo. Please give me the chance to adjust my advice to you then. I still stand by my statement that you must revise the essay. However, since you made it clear that you are merely a college transfer student, you can do the following when you revise the paper to better suit your prompt:

1. You still have to avoid any mention of high school regardless of how bad or well you did because you are told not to do so in the prompt. Instead, I see that you can talk about your current college experience and how your studies are doing at the moment. Don't talk about extra curricular activities. Just talk about what inspired you in life to pursue a career in physics. Why did you choose Physics as your major? Who do you aspire to be? What do you hope to gain or become by graduating with a Physics degree?

2. What are the compelling reasons that you want to switch universities? This part needs to be highlighted because as a transfer student, you need to make the reviewer understand that your reasons for transferring are purely academic and not social in nature.

3. Reiterate in the end that you see your future as that of being a physicist and as such, you need the best guidance available. Don't belittle your current university though. Say you appreciate everything they have taught you but you feel that you can learn even more at UT Austin. These universities, even though rivals, still respect each other academically. So relate the studies you have done at your current university as a bridge towards gaining higher knowledge at UT Austin.

I hope this helps you better draft a new statement of purpose :-)

Undergraduate / Physics is beautiful... (statement of purpose for transferrence to UT Austin) [6]

Leonardo, unfortunately, you need to change the whole essay because you wrote exactly about what the prompt told you not to write. The reviewer is not interest in your high school exploits or extra curricular activities. The university could not have been clearer about it since they said:


Since you did exactly that in this statement of purpose, you have failed to deliver the required information and as such, have just failed to gain consideration as a student at UT Austin. However, it is not too late to repair the damage. The damage is not permanent yet since you have yet to submit the document. Here is what I advise you to do in order to correct the paper:

1. Forget about high school and your extra curricular activities. This is not a college application essay. This is an essay that is asking you to tell the reviewer why they should consider you for the coveted slot of a transfer student. Therefore, your opening statement should be all about your interest in the field of Physics and how you have come to accomplish certain notable achievements in this field. This is all about who you are now, not who you were in high school. In fact, since you did not do well academically in middle and high school. it would be in your best interest to never mention it to the reviewer. The reviewer is not interested in the story of how you were a slacker in the 10th grade. They also do not care that you can play the violincello. Those stories and other activities are not related to your interest in Physics. Anything that can't circle back to your course at present and in the future should be left off the page.

2. Discuss the career plan that you have for your self. Since this is a statement of purpose, I can only assume that you are trying to transfer schools as a masters degree student. Therefore, you already know what your abilities are, how you developed those abilities, and where you hope advanced studies, combined with your previous experience and on the job knowledge, will lead you. That is one of the most important points that you have to make in a SOP. Without a career plan, you can't really convince the reviewer that you are going to complete the course. Advanced studies are not easy to complete so they need to know that you are dedicated to doing whatever it takes to see this action through to the end. Also, explain why your current school no longer suits your masters degree aspirations.

3. Expand upon your current research as it relates to your chosen field. Take note of and mention the ways that you feel UT Austin will be able to help you further advance that research. Be specific about the internships, training, or exchange programs they have which you plan to fully utilize in order to give you a better foothold in the world of Physics.

I strongly advise that you take note of my suggestions and write a totally new statement of purpose. The one you have right now should not be submitted. It won't accomplish the task it was expected to do with the reviewer. Take the chance to better address the requirements of the prompt. We will be here to assist you :-)

Scholarship / Despite the economic difficulties.... (KGSP personal statement) [3]

Evelyn, when you are asked to speak about your motivation to apply for the scholarship program, what the reviewer wants to know about is what your career plan is and how studying a specific course, with their sponsorship, can help you achieve that ambition. The motivation is all about where you are now, your plans for the future, and where you see yourself headed in the future. It is not all about the story of Korea and how they managed to survive and evolve. It is all about you. In fact, I can honestly tell you that your first paragraph and your second paragraph are totally unrelated and do not even transition in a connected manner. I suggest that you rethink what you want to discuss as the primary motivation that you have for your interest in this scholarship. Connect your intentions with the scholarship program for the strongest effect. By doing that, you will be able to transition the paragraph into something relevant to the requirements of the second prompt.

As for the second paragraph, when you say that your school made you a woman who can adapt to life, you should present an example of that trait since it helps to bolster your claims about your school being able to prepare you for higher studies. Also, you need to say more about the portion about your dad getting a scholarship. Try to connect it to your desire to go to school on a scholarship or relate something about how your dad supports your desire to apply for and get a scholarship because he believes it will be a learning experience for you. The rest of the paragraph is fine.

Edit the portion about your extra curricular activities and accomplishments. Mention only the most important ones such as the Math Olympiad and the Junior Achievement Program. These highlight some skills that can catch the attention of the reviewer. Skip the part about learning Korean and Karate, it does not really seem all that important here since you don't have accomplishments in that area. Talk more about the Minor Movement instead and your first summer work experience taking care of kids. That will show a sense of maturity that has developed in you because of your experiences.

Try to be more specific about the awards that you received. Talking about them in general terms leaves a question in the mind of the reviewer regarding the validity of your claims. So choose only your most outstanding and notable awards to discuss in this portion. Regardless of how few the notable awards are, those make more an impact then the general awards that you have mentioned at the moment. The idea is to show your ability to accomplish difficult tasks and be recognized for it. So don't talk about team awards. Concentrate only on your individual accomplishments.

Your closing statement does not really work. You need to focus your discussion on how the scholarship is necessary for you to accomplish even more than you already have. Make sure to let them know that there is actually a connection between the scholarship and your future plans. Explain a solid plan for your future and how this scholarship will be able to help you achieve that.

Undergraduate / I am a Mexican, and I will show what kind of people we are, we are excelling [9]

Excellent revision! You have successfully managed to come across as an individual who is conscious of the struggles of the community that you identify with. You also clearly stated that you know what your position in that society is. Your plan of action is clear and, should you succeed with your plans for your future, will allow you to alter the public perception of Mexicans and give hope to the members of your community. Letting them know that they too can alter the stereotype. The essay just needs some editing at this point to make it work better. Here it goes:

and that we illegally cross the US border.

But t These are all stereotypes, MEXICO is just like any other place in the world,

We then moved to the US for finding a better education opportunities .

, but s She had to leave all her work

country SINCE they don't have many opportunities,

becoming a successful MEXICAN IMMIGRANT who would show the world

These tweaks should help bring the essay to its final form. After you apply these changes, please review the essay again. Double check everything and if you don't see any more errors, you can consider this essay to be in its final form. That is unless you want to make any other adjustments to it :-)

Scholarship / Bamboo huts - QuestBridge (scholarship) Biographical Essay- Need An Insight [10]

While others would tell you that you should just avoid adding more information to your essay in the last part, since it seems complete enough, I am going to leave that decision to you. My opinion is that, should you choose to use the remaining word count, it should show how much you have grown as a person by explaining how you now have hope and dare to dream more for yourself.

As I review your essay, I noticed that you said you had 3 goals and responsibilities in life. Rather than simply mentioning these goals and responsibilities, expand upon them as the fulfillment of your aspirations in life. For example, how has your desire to complete college shaped your aspirations? How does making your parents proud help you become a better person? How do you see these past struggles and accomplishments give you an idea for a new direction in your future?

Remember, mine is only a suggestion. You can judge better for yourself if you think using the remaining word count will help your essay develop further or if you are comfortable with the content of the essay at the moment. 50 words won't really be much of a help to the essay if you do not think you can come up with the words to enhance your written work. The essay is already usable at this point, whether you want to try to make it better and how to make it better is up to you.

Undergraduate / I am a Mexican, and I will show what kind of people we are, we are excelling [9]

Jose, your essay is over the word limit by 3 words so you will need to work on cutting it down. As for the essay itself, I feel that it it comes off as containing too much bragging on your part regarding where you came from in Mexico. The wealth and the lifestyle should not be the center of your essay. The life that you describe does not identify with the typical Mexican community in Mexico. Neither does it represent a typical Mexican community member residing in the United States. So unless you can cite some examples to prove that the life you had in Mexico is typical of Mexicans, it just comes across as you showing off. That kind of image is not what you want to give the reviewer. You want to appeal to his sense of compassion and empathy instead.

You need to be humble in your response. Explain that while you lived a good life in Mexico, explain your mother's accomplishments but edit the part about the life of extravagance as that is not a typical Mexican life. You need to make sure you identify with the struggle of the group by saying your mother struggled in life to achieve a good life. Then she moved to the U.S. where you all had to start over as a part of a highly different Mexican community than what you were used to.

Your life in the United States made you realize that you are just a typical Mexican here. A part of the Mexican community that struggles to make a mark as an immigrant in a new world. Talk about how now that you are a member of the Mexican immigrant community, you have now come to realize that you cannot take what you have or had in life for granted because there is a tendency for people to prejudge you as a Mexican. So you have decided to represent the immigrant Mexican community by showing them that one can always use the inspiration of struggling Mexicans to show the world that Mexicans are better than the stereotype that they have in mind.

Basically, if you edit your current essay, you will be able to achieve the theme of my suggestion. I look forward to reading your revision :-)

Scholarship / Bamboo huts - QuestBridge (scholarship) Biographical Essay- Need An Insight [10]

Save for a number of grammatical issues, this is an excellent revision Tika. You were able to properly answer the prompt in a more concise manner. What you have to do now, before correcting the grammar, is divide the essay into more paragraphs than you have at the moment. Your first paragraph is too long to read. It covers 2 separate events at the camp so each event should have its own paragraph. That will offer a clarity regarding the topic sentence and also allow the reader a chance to rest while reading your paragraphs. Kindly consider which parts of the first paragraph you feel would be the best portions to start a new paragraph at and see if it will help make the essay flow better.

Now, as for the grammar issues, I'll show you the corrected lines below.

to HELP EASE our lives

I felt like we were lost in an oblivion. FACING AN uncertain, hopeless and unaware of the unknown, unappealing future.

intended to live a new life and raise my brother and me IN A NEW, PEACEFUL, AND SAFE COUNTRY.

[]S] Although THEN , in 2009

a program CALLED International

resettle our family IN the United

bring us TO SETTLE settle down

that promiseD me

Although w When I arrived at the United states, my excitement was quickly lost

in AN unknown environment WHICH MADE IT tough to keep up with all the bills

I was like a goose in the middle of all ducks.

Although, I attempted to socialize with others and get help but instead I got bullied.

I suffered both psychologically, feeling lost and hopeless, and academically , getting Fs in almost all classes.

but instead I SHOULD USE IT TO empower me to

myself IN school activities.

the mails MAIL

I have realized that life is like a ROLLER COASTER, sometimes there is satisfaction and sometimes discontent. - The roller coaster reference is normally used to depict life's ups and downs. Use that term instead of satisfaction and discontent.

RESPONSIBILITIES

I have to say, your essay really comes across as much stronger now. You have more conviction in your beliefs that your life experiences have helped you become the person you are today. This shows a much stronger voice than the previous version.

Writing Feedback / Talking about myself - environment, culture, or family history helped to shape my identity [5]

Catherine, I have a different take on your essay than Lakisha. My opinion is that you do not really need the first paragraph that you have. In the first paragraph, you talk about being taught about humility and empathy growing up. This is not something that really makes sense in its current position. I would save this comment for another part of the essay. Further down, after you have described the background of your family and you have already begun to speak about your own identity as shaped by your parents influence.

By the way, you spoke about your mother at great length in the essay. She actually comprises 80 % of the paper. Somehow, you forgot to make reference to your father and his influence in your life.You make reference to the plural form of a parent (parents) in your essay so I assume you just forgot about the father part :-) If it would be possible for you to include the influence that he has had on you, please do so. That will bring a balance of content and equally represent the importance of your family history in the paper.

While the content of your current essay is already usable as an application prompt response, I believe that you can approach this from a different or better angle. Have you considered writing the story from the point of view of lessons learned from your parents? For example, when you speak about the empathy that you learned from your parents, Talk about a time in your life when you were boastful, then use that to transition into a lesson from your mother about the hardships that she had to endure in order to give you the life that you had now. That would bring her struggles to come to the country, the under paid wages, and other struggles she had more relevant to your own identity development.

As for humility, you can use the same instance of being boastful to tell the story of your father and his hopes that you will learn from their life experience in order to become a better first generation American. Talk about his experiences that taught him to empathize with others. A trait that he felt you needed to learn because you love to talk about yourself. By connecting your parents experiences with a lesson that they taught you, the reader will get a better insight as to how your environment, family, and culture have helped shape your identity.

I will refrain from correcting the grammar for now because I am trying to help you make the essay flow better and use better representations for the lessons that you "learned", which also helped to shape you as a person, from your parents. I hope you consider my suggestions and come back with the 2nd version of your essay. If that version flows better, then we can work on polishing it :-)

Undergraduate / "Being a Twin" - talent / background / identity question for college essay [2]

That was most certainly quite an interesting background story. Your twin was obviously very central to your background and identity. The comparisons that you made brought the reader into your world as fraternal twins. The descriptions you used and the way you chose to separate your identities showed a deep connection between the two of you. I would however, have liked to have seen more about you in the essay rather the constant talk of shared existence. Which of the twins are you? Are you the one who excels or the one who falls back? How does being the dominant or weaker twin encourage you to be even better or help your weaker twin (as the dominant one) ? How does being the weaker twin encourage you to strive to constantly better yourself? You mentioned something about being a twin makes it difficult to pursue your own identity. What do you feel is your identity as influenced by your twin situation? Those are some points you can consider as you review your essay as the reviewer's interest could be further hooked by such details in your essay.

At this point, I would like to point out some grammar corrections for your essay. Here are the corrected portions:

highly ASKED question - A question cannot be demanded. However, a response can be demanded. Perhaps you would like to rephrase the sentence so you can use the word "demanded" in a better context.

nod their head in ACCEPTANCE - The act of accepting something in past form.

the ones who ask considering , it is

it also causes our relationship to FAIL at times. - Fail is the better term to use as it connotes a failure to continue the relationship for some reason.

we really are . Yet, we

because we simply add to one - one what? Life? I think this line is a little vague, be more specific.

comes with one EXCELLING in a certain field,

WITH the other

we plan our futures to the outside world .

Perhaps you could insert a line to show your unique personality even though you are a twin. It is important to show that in terms of your identity. The twin story is a good background story like I said, but it needs to have your unique voice in it, about who you are apart from being a twin, that makes the interesting aspect stronger.

Undergraduate / Skipping the school never was in my interest, I'm focused on the success only - UCF essay [4]

Anthony, your character traits are indeed admirable as a student and as a person. However, the prompt is asking you to describe your social skills in relation to the possibility of your becoming a member of the UCF community. So while you spoke very strongly of your personal strong points, it is your social skills that you need to highlight this time.

Some examples of the social skills that you can discuss are some of your extra curricular activities. Something along the lines of your participation in charitable activities, community service and the like are normal responses to this essay. This would be a good time to show off your leadership skills if you have had any experience in the past. For example, if you headed the prom committee or started a community outreach project, let the reviewer know about it. He will be very interested to know about that side of you.

The essay needs you to discuss some ideas that you have for the further development of the social life of the UCF community. I suggest that you look into the kind of social activities that the university enjoys mounting by searching for those on the internet. Then base your response upon those activities, adding some new ideas or activities that you feel can help further promote student camaraderie and kinship. Once you do that, then your response to the essay will have been corrected and complete.

Graduate / Master degree and design abilities - correction of grammatical errors [3]

Yen, I'm more than happy to help you with the grammar problems in your essay. I will be posting my corrections below. I am just wondering though, are you writing a statement of purpose or a personal statement for graduate school? I sensed a statement of purpose within the essay that you wrote but then again, you spoke so much of your educational background that it could be a simple personal statement. Can you clarify what you are trying to write? If you are writing a statement of purpose, the content of your essay is sure to change. Please let us know so that we can better guide you in developing your paper. In the meantime, here are my suggested corrections, written in all caps.

WHILE I am diligent and aspiring

, I am also very easily to GET ALONG with.

myself EXCELLENT IN analysing.

from THE air force, and now WORKS as an ADVISER.

Also I have got a younger brother who is still studying at a high school.

HARMONIOUS is the very word to describe my family.

Although HEAVY WITH HIGH SCHOOL WORK LOADS

I have never stopped improving

Because of my passion for arts, I have decided to apply for design, and luckily being accepted by industrial design department of xxx University as the second place. - Grammar rules dictate that no sentence can begin with Because. You also need to clarify what you mean by "the second place".

DURING the first year, in order to catch up with MY classmates, I have been focused on every lesson I have attended, and also spent a great amount of time practising hand drawing as well as making models.

DURING MY sophomore year,

I have LEARNED not only how to

STUDENT life

I LEARNED how to communicate with other people

MY CLASSMATES AND I

also teamed-UP to participate IN A NUMBER of competitions

such as THE IF concept design

activities held by THE school

, I am working ON a project

DESIGNED TO IMPROVE household electronics

aiming to meet THE MARKET'S needs

WHERE I MAINLY WRITE RESEARCH SUMMARIES

in THE Young Designer Exhibition

filtering A myriad OF information

master students USE

I have LEARNED that enable

I look forward to reading your revision and the clarification regarding the type of essay you are trying to write :-)

Graduate / Accomplishments and experience I gained - SOP for Masters in MIS from WPI [13]

Shalini, the essay has improved from the first draft. There is a problem with your word count at this point because a normal SOP has a maximum of 500 words and your current essay has 629 words in it. So you need to take off 129 words from this version. Do you think there is any way that you can remove those words yourself? I am not sure which portions you might want to cut down on so I would rather that you review the essay and delete certain portions yourself. What I can do for you at this moment is suggest which portions I think you should consider cutting down on.

You can start with paragraph 1 and 2. I feel that you can combine the content of the 2 paragraphs by editing it to flow as a single paragraph. Try to restate the information in a shorter manner. My suggestion is to try to do it in a maximum of 10 sentences. Then, there is also paragraph 4. I feel that this portion is too long and, while informative, can use some editing to make it more interesting and relevant to your application. Right now, I am not really sure that the whole paragraph helps the essay inform the reader. Paragraph 5 can also be edited. I want you to pay specific attention to:

My forbearance and expertise to overcome complications is evident from my accomplishments so far,

I don't feel that this is necessary information in the essay. Rather, I would rather just retain:

I'm positive that with the course structure, curriculum and the real- world approach offered by WPI it will play a huge role in my life as both a student and a professional. Clear understanding on your curriculum, shows that I will be able to design new process and implement IT solutions meet the business requirements.

That portion really seems to make sense when considered in the totality of the essay. So when edited properly, it will give more credence to your application.

Right now, we have to concentrate on making the statement shorter while informative. All the grammar problems and sentence structure issues can be corrected after that.

Graduate / Why chemical engineering? 'My decision stemmed from exploring and understanding myself' [2]

Hyun, you are discussing a statement of purpose. So there is no room in the essay for your psychological background. It does not have any clear connection with your desire to get an MS in chemical engineering. The first part of your essay is really unnecessary in the development of your SOP. Your ability and your desire to learn does not really have any impact upon the reviewer. He is not interested in why you think the life of a graduate student would suit you. What he is interested in though are your internship and professional accomplishments in the field of chemical engineering (if any).

It is because of the focus of the reviewer that I believe your essay is too long and not as informative as it should be. You need to review your essay and pick out the portions that will best portray your abilities and accomplishments as a professional in this field. You can skip paragraphs one and two because these cause your essay to run longer than it should.

Since you do not really have any professional background to speak of at the moment (since you are an undergraduate), you should work on highlighting the research aspect of your academic life. If I were to write your essay, I would use the following paragraph to open my essay. :

My ultimate career goal is to become a great researcher and enroll into M.S using the thesis option that xxxx offer, which will definitely act as a stepping-stone towards my future goals.

If you work on developing this portion essay by introducing some sort of future research that you want to undertake with the university's help, then maybe your lack of professional experience prior to applying for masters studies may not matter so much. Normally, an MS applicant has at least 3 years experience in the field before he applies for admission to higher studies. Since you don't have that kind of experience, we should direct the attention of the reviewer towards your future goals instead. That way you can show them that you at least have a solid career path that you want to pursue after graduation.

The last paragraph that you have right now can be revised to better reflect your desire for admission to this university. It should be revised after you revise the earlier part of your essay. That way you will have written a totally new essay that better depicts your interest in graduate studies. If you post the revision in this thread, we can help you further polish it.

Writing Feedback / Today people are not polite to each other, but why to blame; the world if full of fierce competition [2]

Shang, you wrote a pretty good essay. However, the prompt that you responded to in your essay does not really apply to the prompt that was originally given. You kind of misunderstood the prompt. You were being asked to discuss whether it is correct to accept that people should not be expected to be polite to each other anymore, not whether politeness is important in our current time. The TOEFL test is all about English comprehension. The minute you make a mistake in your restatement of the thesis and do not give the correct response to the prompt, then you will have automatically failed the test.Regardless of the misunderstanding, I will tell you that there is a portion of the essay that actually began to respond to the prompt in the proper manner. I decided to pick it out of your original essay to show you which part I am talking about. It is this portion:

Granted, some may claim we cannot expect people to be polite to others, on account of that most of the people are undertaking a lot of pressure and facing a large amount of issues in their busy daily life, for instance, they need to cope with the complex personal relationships and receive the comments from the others, which means mankind are easy to be upset and distracted in that case. Therefore, it is reasonable to be rude to others

Do you see how this paragraph works very well in restating the prompt and giving an overview of the discussion that you should have made in the next paragraphs? If you had continued arguing the essay along these lines, you would have successfully responded to the prompt :-)

So what can we do to fix this problem? Look at the reasons that you used to justify the rudeness of people to one another. Take each reason and discuss those as separate paragraphs. Completely discuss each reason in 3-5 sentences. You will need to revise your conclusion as well. Keep the response at 3-5 lines because you only have 30 minutes to respond to the essay prompt. Keeping your response short but informative is of the utmost importance during the actual test.

I look forward to reading your revision. I tried to explain the prompt question to you as best as I could. I hope I was able to help :-)

Graduate / Accomplishments and experience I gained - SOP for Masters in MIS from WPI [13]

This is an acceptable statement of purpose. You gave enough attention to your past academic accomplishments and your professional accomplishments. However, I believe that you should shorten the portion about Ms. Tapa. The reviewer does not need to learn that information about your previous exposure or the seeds of your interest. An SOP is not about the past. Rather, it is a look into your future.

Your future plans. That should be solidly reflected in the SOP. Right now, you have presented some pretty good professional accomplishments but you have not really totally presented your future plans. It often impresses the reviewer when he reads an SOP that clearly explains how the masters degree will help you advance your future career. That is because you can present a study path for yourself as a masters degree student.

The study path will help to strengthen your conviction that this is the career path for you. As a masters degree student, you should show the reviewer how you plan to take advantage of the offerings at the university. Mention how you plan to use the internship program. Explain any research projects that you plan to undertake while studying there and how you will share the results with the university to help enhance its image as an institution. You have to convince the university that you are a student that they should not take for granted because you are a talent that they will benefit from.

If you restructure the first 2 paragraphs relating to your introduction to this field, you will be able to properly concentrate the essay on the portions of your statement of purpose that matter. Right now, with the inclusion of the first two paragraphs, your essay is somewhere in between a college application essay and an SOP. We need to make it sound more like an SOP and with the edits that I am suggesting, we will be able to help you achieve that.

Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore?----Social Responsibility, Media and Writing [5]

Jize, A few suggested revisions. Sorry, I think I missed these the first time out. Then again, that is why a draft needs to be constantly reviewed. To make sure that you catch the mistakes you missed the first time.

heartbeats .

I will wear a big pair

and READ - I think read is the better term since you are in the corner of a library. What does someone do in a library? Read :-)

I WILL SEEK help AT the Writing Center

More than HEARING different stories and voices, I am going to PUT social

into practice . LIKE others

And THOSE dreams,

My opinion is that you can already use the essay after you apply these corrections. Good luck :-)

Undergraduate / Brandeis being a Jewish affiliated university, I felt that I being a Muslim would make me an outcast [9]

Hi William ! I hope you won't mind but I took the liberty of editing your essay for content to meet the word count. I was able to revise it to 247 words without losing the message and essence of your original work. I hope it works for you. This is what I came up with:

As I was reading up on Brandeis, I came to realize that this was the university for me. Although I am Muslim, I learned that we share a very strong vision with the Jewish faith: love thy stranger (Lev. 19:34). When I read that, I was reminded of the summer when I volunteered at an orphanage for special needs children in Morocco. My time there was not easy because the language barrier hindered my efforts to communicate. However, after playing "hide and go seek", feeding and singing to the children with my mediocre lullabies; smiles and laughter did all the communicating .I realized that I WAS providing love and service to those who are forgotten by society, and providing hope through one word: faith.

MY experience IN Morocco changed my perception ABOUT higher education. That perception being, a college experience should embody service towards the greater good through faith, THE student community at Brandeis is reflective of that belief. According to THE Director of Community Service Lucas Malo, students log 60,000 hours of community service each year. Upon reading that, I knew Brandeis shared my belief in higher education. I WAS FURTHER ENCOURAGED TO ENROLL AT BRANDEIS WHEN FEEDBACK I RECEIVED TOLD ME BRANDEIS DID NOT CARE IF I WAS MUSLIM. I WOULD BE EMBRACED BY THE UNIVERSITY REGARDLESS OF MY RELIGION. Given these points, I know Brandeis is right for me because I was given hope, and I will do the same through our SHARED vision.

Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore?----Social Responsibility, Media and Writing [5]

Jize, this is one time that your use of flowery language and visual descriptions has come in very handy. Those creative gifts of yours have helped you develop a very unique yet character and trait introducing response to the prompt. That said, I believe that there are some points that should either be left out or edited for clarity though. Then, there are also some grammar issues to address. Shall we get to work? My corrections are as follows:


- Could be better phrased as" I feel that Swathmore and I share the same heartbeat."

hold a fiction BOOK, a COMIC BOOK or a Cantonese introduction

IN the corner of the library.

How did intellectuals communicated with each other

vernaculars impeded

HOLD a seminar,

through THE Honor Program OF SWATHMORE

I will enjoy defending my thesis, like a graduate student to be intellectually challenged. - Not really necessary because you are just telling the reviewer what attracts you to Swathmore. The thesis is irrelevant.

real films FOR THE Tri-Co Film Festival.


- This needs to be clarified. Will you be performing this as part of your research or thesis at Swathmore? If so, discuss it in a manner that reflects that. How can Swathmore help you do this?

Not only am I EXCITED ABOUT direct research opportunities and rigorous yet collaborative academics here, but also expect TO MEET AND HELP OTHERS AT Lang Center, with my camera and notebook, to hear different stories and voices.


- What do you hope to accomplish by doing this?

should be realized at

Take note of the points you have to clarify. Revise the essay and be conscious of the word limit :-) If you can post the revision here, we'll let you know if there may be anything that still needs improvement or revision. Good luck!

Scholarship / Bamboo huts - QuestBridge (scholarship) Biographical Essay- Need An Insight [10]

I agree that your essay got blown out of proportion Tika. You don't really need to discuss, in such vivid detail, your life on the camp. Just give an overview of that life leading into the immigration to America. One to three sentences depicting those information. will definitely help to shorten the essay. Let me make a clear suggestion as to which part of your essay I find most effective as an introduction. It is this whole portion:

When we arrived at the United states, my family was my responsibility in certain needs because I was the only that spoke broken English. I explained to my parents the mails we received...

I believe that this will be an excellent part of your opening statement. Revise what you have now to become shorter then offer a larger part of the introduction to your main point, surviving in a new world. Discuss your experience as an immigrant person, not your full on family experience, just concentrate on yourself, in order to depict the context in which you grew up. These are the parts that should comprise your first paragraph.

For your second paragraph, you can discuss how those challenges you faced growing up served as your inspiration to aspire for better things in life or a brighter future. This is the paragraph where you can discuss your family members and their influence on you. What hardships did they face in raising you in the U.S.? Those will be part of the factors that comprise your aspirations. Choose one significant moment for your mother and one for your father. Don't overstate things. Just be straight to the point. You only have 800 words to work with. So edit your thoughts before you type it.

I really do not see any portion in the latter part of your essay that describes your academic successes. You need to work on that. Don't talk about your future plans. It has no bearing on the prompt topic so it will just take up needed words in your count. Avoid discussing anything irrelevant to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Will admissions sneer at my essay? You decide! Applying UCF. [5]

Wow! You did very well in revising your essay. You left out the unimportant parts and totally focused on the school and the relationship you look forward to creating with them. There are some points that need a little tweaking though. Let me post the corrections below:

actually want you to succeed AND push you to do your best.

right for me .

and It's apparent

that UCF has to offer.

place WHERE I want to start my life

my goals ON this school.

greatest THINGS I could

After you apply my suggested changes, I want you to review the whole essay again and consider the content. Make sure you expressed everything important within the word count. If you feel like you can do better by revising, deleting, and adding some points, don't be afraid to do so. It never hurts to have 2 statements answering the same question. You always go with the statement you feel is strongest for you.

Scholarship / I'm a teacher surrounded by the happy students - a journey through time to the 2025 [5]

Nguyen, what is missing from your opening statement is a solid and clear introduction regarding what is about to unfold. Since this a typical day that you are describing, you need to get more visual in order to bring the reader into your world as you see it. Describe the sounds of birds coming into your bedroom window, the warmth of the bed you sleep in, and then the sound of the alarm clock. Instead of simply saying "Let's get started." Make it more interesting. Say something like"Another day, another child to teach. Time for me to get started." By presenting the sentence that way, you give an idea regarding the events to follow.

The second paragraph can also be improved using a better description. There is a better way to present this. For example:

The students of (name a fictional school) are waiting outside as I pull up to the parking space. Waving at me, I wave back and sigh. Could I have imagined myself in this content and happy position 10 years ago? When my parents were against my choice of a teaching career at the age of 18? I think back to ten years ago and realize how much I have changed. Then I was a daredevil and headstrong. Which is why I chose to become a teacher despite the low income. I wanted to prove a point to my parents. That dedication to the job and a desire to change the world somehow is more important than the money a job brings to a person. I have changed physically since then, but my dedication and principles, my desire to influence and enlighten young minds, remain the same.

You could base the revision of your paragraph upon the sample I gave you.

My students file into the classroom when they see me walk into the school halls. In classroom 1A they sit behind desks with curiosity and excitement on their faces. "What is my teacher going to teach me today?'' they think. It is my job to everyday, motivate these children to learn. Feed their curiosity, and teach them about life and academics. I decide to tell them about how my UWC scholarship changed my life 10 years ago. Their faces open up to the wonders of the world as I tell them about my adventures. As they sit looking admiringly at me, I know that I have once again, touched their lives and inspired them to think of a better future for themselves.

I am giving you this example so that you can see how using imagery and dialogue can turn your straightforward but interesting essay into a delightful and enjoyable read for the reviewer. You have to aim to hold on to his interest since he reads hundreds of these essays per day. Visual imagery, dialogue, and an interesting story, when combined, creates a wonderful day in the life of essay.

Writing Feedback / Professionalism of an organisation requires the introduction of an proper dress code [2]

This is one of your best argued essays. Your reasons are valid and come from everyday experiences and observations. This tells the me, as the reviewer that you have developed your English comprehension skills. However, developed comprehension skills don't always come with good grammar. That comes later on as you become more comfortable with the English language. That is also why I have listed corrected parts of your essay for you to insert into your current essay. Use it as a review guide whenever you can :-)

argue that perfect dress is prominent for staffs , others argue that

I believe that THE company will progress considerably when

workers ARE both well-groomed and HAVE THE skill to work.

In terms OF DRESSING SMARTLY ,

appearance is one of THE ways

and potentially impact how businesses performs effectively.

size up THE capability of other professionalS BASED UPON what they WORE AT the first meeting.

As an obvious instance WHEN

conducts A prominent presentation


- I'm not quite sure what you mean here. Please clarify.

he wears a wrinkled of clothes.

him AS incapable as

in order to decrease minimally valuation of clients to play along. All in all, Attractive appearance

reliably determines the level of trust in a business.

performance DETERMINES A company's success.

will GREATLY INFLUENCE

FOR EXAMPLE, Google - proper nouns always use a capital letter

IS ONE OF THE ... WORLD .

they HAVE A TIGHT RECRUITMENT PROCESS IN ORDER to find the qualified human resources SO THAT THE COMPANY WILL HAVE A GREAT COMPOSITION OF EMPLOYEES.

adequately supportS

having ability to keep up appearances

it will be able to decrease the level of belief.

if result becomes A priority, it should be supported by AN attractive EMPLOYEE appearance.

Graduate / A Conversion from Electrical Engineering toward MS Petroleum! [7]

A motivation essay is also a different kind of essay. Far different from a statement of purpose. As far as content is concerned, there are one too many motivations, aside from irrelevant extra curricular information, in your current essay. My opinion, is that your current essay is unusable in its current form so you should just delete this and start over.

In order to write an effective motivation essay, you need to go beyond your academic accomplishments and experiences. You were on the right track when you started discussing the energy shortage in your country. That paragraph shows how and why you developed an interest in Petroleum Engineering. However, your work does not end there. You need to develop your motivation some more.

Consider the current power situation in your country and ask yourself, "How can I solve this problem through the use of my Petroleum Engineering degree? What kind of solutions can I propose to help ease the problem? Analyze those questions and note your responses to them. Make sure that your responses align with a need to gain advanced training and information in the field of PE. Once you develop a response to those two questions, you will have created the basis of your motivation. From that point, all you have to do is expand upon your interest and your ideas for solutions. Make sure to use the words "I was motivated by" or "This motivated me to" or "I am motivated to discover" in order to remind yourself that you are writing a motivation essay and nothing else.

Base your motivations on real time problems and current situations.How do the currently proposed solutions help to motivate your interest in PE? Deviate and distance yourself from your college studies and other academic situations in your past. You are talking about more advanced studies, offering you a masters degree needs to be based upon your professional interests, desires, and applications. The obstacles you faced in college motivated you to pursue a specific course. What motivates you to improve your professional life should be based upon more mature and serious concerns. Keep that in mind as you draft your motivation essay.

If you can complete the draft of your essay and post it in this thread, we should be able to review it for you and help you align it with a motivational essay. Maybe we can even help you polish it so that you can use it sooner rather than later.

Graduate / A Conversion from Electrical Engineering toward MS Petroleum! [7]

Ahmad, the main problem you have with you written work is that you are confusing the content of a personal statement with that of a statement of purpose. I already see some parts of this essay that actually align with a statement of purpose. So all you have to do is edit the essay and drop the unnecessary parts in order to properly state your purpose for applying for a masters degree.

The 3rd paragraph of your essay can actually be used as the opening statement for your statement of purpose. Such types of essays look for the professional achievements of the applicant. While you can share some of your college the reviewer tends to consider your more recent training and seminars attended in relation to your occupation much more. The history of your college education does not carry that much weight at this point so delete the reference to that in your SOP.

You also do not need to discuss your extra curricular activities in a statement of purpose. That is irrelevant to the course you applying to and should be placed in a separate, if optional, essay prompt topic. The SOP should only concern itself with your current career, how you see the advanced education helping you advance that career, and how you think the university can help you achieve those plans. If you have a 5 year career plan, let the reviewer know about that too. He is definitely interested in reading about that.

Try to avoid repeating information about the university. The reviewer already knows what makes his university special. What he wants to know is how you can create a special relationship with the university with regards to your education. What will graduating from their university with this masters degree do for you?

You need to sound more professional in your SOP. The tone that you have right now is one that is best used in college application essays. There is also too much reference to your college days. Like I said, it is not really a big consideration for the reviewer. He needs to know what makes you special in terms of your current work interests. Prove that you can parlay the knowledge you will receive into an improvement for your career.

I think that you can use this information to start revising your statement of purpose. If you can provide us with your revised essay when you are done with it, we will be sure to help you polish it in order to make it usable for your needs :-)

Graduate / Optional Essay for WUSTL MSCA (300 words limit) 'interested in Master of Customer Analytics' [4]

Shiyun, you have a mistaken idea pertaining to the format of an optional essay. It is still an essay, not a letter. That said, you do not need to formally address this essay to anyone in particular. Just write it as you would a normal common essay prompt. With an introduction, body, and conclusion to represent your response to the topic which, in this case, is to state your interest in obtaining an masters degree in Customer Analytics. You also do not need to tell the reader that you will be stating your reasons for your interest. It should be obvious in the way that you wrote the essay. If you want to be very specific, then develop a properly formatted optional essay prompt for yourself and respond to it in your essay.

As an optional essay, I guess this is good enough. You have clearly shown the roots of your interest in Customer Analytics. I just hoped that you would have shown more of a relation of your past academic achievements with some notable career achievements to show your growth from student to professional. That kind of maturity often calls the attention of the reviewer and if the accomplishments in both fields are notable enough, it could help your chances at admission.

Can you tell the reviewer more about your published thesis? That is an aspect of yourself as a professional that is sure to earn your application points worth considering. While learning about your college interest in the field and the studies that you engaged in during that time is interesting, it is not as informative as learning about the process behind your thesis. Since it was published, you should take great pride in it and make sure that the people who matter with regards to your application knows about it. In fact, I believe that your optional essay should center on that topic.

Strengthen that part of your essay and pull back on your college information. As a masters degree applicant, the interest of the reviewer and the admissions committee (should your application get that far) will be more on your professional strengths and accomplishments, less on your college academics. That will most certainly make your optional essay quite interesting for them to read and consider.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The best way to solve the environmental problems is to increase the cost of fuel. [2]

Isabelle you should applaud yourself for a well developed essay. While I will be the first to critique that your grammar errors are quite numerous, I can also assure you that the grammar issues aside, your essay can stand on its own. You display a clear understanding of the prompt and managed to convey the same as an opening statement. That is normally a weakness in other students preparing to take tests. In your case though, that does not seem to be the case. As for the grammatical errors and sentence structure issues, let me show you their corrected forms below:

While it is said that DRIVING UP THE petrol price is the best solution

with the RISE in petrol price

would MAKE individuals

DRIVING less.

Thus, the greenhouse gas would be emitted less.

However, the increase in THE cost of fuel could not shift the usage of vehicles .

The inconvenience generated by this strategy is superior to the reduction in fumes - In formal sentences, you can never start a sentence with 'because' as it connotes the middle of a thought process.

FOR EXAMPLE, driving is essential

in most of THE countryside BECAUSE public transport is not ALWAYS AVAILABLE

The rising fuel cost only ADDS TO THE BURDEN OF the cost of living.

than RAISING the cost of fuel.

Individuals would consider public transport

TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THE HYBRID CARS WHICH USE

I believe that RAISING THE fuel price

Applying these simple corrections will correct the sentence and grammar issues of your essay. Thereby making an acceptable essay a stronger and better essay :-)

Writing Feedback / Education is a critical element to prosperity of any nation. Justify. [3]

Rahul, you have a good introduction. Well developed and threshed out. While I would have liked to have seen a compare and contrast version of your point of view, the fact that you decided to write this essay solely from your point of view is what made it quite strong. However your statement should have included a sentence that said "I agree with the statement that..." in order to show that you fully agree with the statement and do not merely agree to a certain extent. Your first person voice come across as analytical and knowledgeable about the prompt. That is sure to impress any examiner. Another observation I made is that you should have said; "With quality education, SOME nations are developing at a fast rate..." This sentence immediately balances the point of view regarding education and its connection to a nation's growth. It completes the thought of the sentence in a more concise manner.

Your second paragraph is good. The foundation of the point of view can be seen as viewed from the point of view of a person who reads the news and observes world politics. However, the stance that you took would have have more of an impact if you had cited a clear example of a country that has a high economic growth rate. A good example would have been either China, Korea, or Japan. These countries are well- known to place a high value on the education of their children as reflected by their economic growth rate.

The third paragraph also lacks a clear example in order to make it stronger. You already presented examples of countries in your previous paragraphs to help illustrate your argument. That is always a good method by which you can display your comprehension skills to the examiner. You should have continued the trend throughout. For this paragraphs countries like Japan and their reaction to the tsunami in , I believe it was in 2010, would have clearly supported your point of view and made it an inarguable fact.

Nice work with the closing statement. It wrapped up the essay with a bow on it. Good work on this essay. Just take notice of how using examples in your succeeding essays, be it public knowledge of personal experience will always serve to strengthen your point of view in an essay.

Writing Feedback / The question: does the adverts have a major impact on people's favor as well as their lifestyle? [4]

Dang, you have some pretty good thoughts going on in this essay. Your line of reasoning is sound although lacking in evidence. I believe that is because of the flawed thesis introduction you developed. There are a number of facets that need to be addressed in this essay starting with the prompt.

When you write an introductory statement, make sure that all the facets of the prompt are represented. These aspects are:
1. Restate the prompt in your own words.
2. Offer the supporting point of view in an overview sentence.
3. Present an opposing point of view for future discussion.
4. Present your own point of view no matter how partial it is.

Now, to address the grammar issues. I will be posting the corrected portions:

in advertising IN mass media.

I WILL partly agree

the products from

are so likely to

the practical purposes OF .

the same look regardless OF WHETHER THE LOOK IS suitable for them or not

THAT IS WHY, people seem to be loyal

similar mannerS.

making THE decision

REGARDING purchasing

a choice FROM the luxury items

Moreover, there ARE STILL smart consumers

who look for carefully

who look for carefully the products' information on the Internet,

they respect the quality at first rather than keeping up the trend.

I want TO again reaffirm my opinion

I decided not to continue editing your conclusion because you did not approach it the correct way. You should have first made it clear within the earlier paragraphs that you were representing only your point of view instead of trying to create a balanced discussion. More importantly, you added new information to your conclusion which is frowned upon when writing an essay. You could lose points for doing that. I suggest that you rewrite the conclusion to just be a summary of the discussion. Prior to that, please create a clear paragraph that contains your point of view and any new information that you want to present. That way your essay will follow the correct writing format and allow the reader to have a clearer idea as to when you actually presented your point of view instead of just discussing general opinions.

Undergraduate / Will admissions sneer at my essay? You decide! Applying UCF. [5]

Anthony, one thing you have to understand is that being in love with a city does not equate to being in love with the university. The city and the university are two different things and should never be mixed up. You accidentally did that in your essay. However, you can still recover from that error. Here are some tips to help you do that.

Start by looking deep into yourself for the reason that you applied to UCF. If it were not located in your favorite city, what would be the main reason that you would opt to seek admission to their university? That, is one of the correct responses to the prompt questions. While I understand that the city may be the main reason for your choice of school, it is academic interest in the school that should be driving your desire for admission.

You have interviewed some former students of the school. Surely they have discussed the objectives and vision of the school with you. You need to represent some sort of commonality between yourself and the school in order to further display valid reasons for your interest in UCF. Remember, the city does not offer you the grand opportunity at internships. Although it exists in Orlando, it is the school that offers the chance at a very interesting and grounded education. So try to repackage your statement about the internships around that fact.

Your second paragraph is actually quite good. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that you use that paragraph as your opening statement. Yes, I believe that will work well for you. Flip the essay paragraphs around. It seems to me that it would be more fluid and interesting for the admissions officer to read it in that manner. Care to give it a try? I'll be more than willing to help review your work again :-) Good luck!

Writing Feedback / The graph shows the number of West Indians and Indians and Pakistanis Immigrating to the UK [2]

Hiep, your overview seems a bit short. Most overviews, regardless of which essay test you are preparing for, contain a minimum of 3 sentences. You only have 1 sentence. Try to cut your statement into 3 parts to meet the requirement. Are you absolutely sure that you were able to properly introduce the prompt topic and your thesis in the introduction / overview? The overview is one of the most important parts of your essay so please make sure that you develop it properly.

There are a number of grammatical concerns that need to be addressed in your essay. Let me show you the corrections that I suggest you make to those parts. Let's start with:

immigrants to Great Britain

from India and Pakistan (Spellcheck for the name of the country)

increased steadily in two different regions, (avoid redundancies)

experienced A more stable rise than West Indians THROUGHOUT the period

people in THE INDIAN subcontinent

4 THOUSAND (Plural form)

continued INTO 1972

almost EQUALED 5 thousand PEOPLE

From 1972 WEST INDIA WITNESSED

period that peaked at

immigrating TO the United Kingdom

while India and Pakistan

1978 PRIOR to a slow fall in 1980.

wild FLUCTUATIONS

during THESE years

of MIGRATING people

WHILE the trend for THE subcontinent

SEEING A dramatic

kept FLUCTUATING AND last reached

Please note the suggested corrections when revising your essay. Take note of the spellcheck suggestions and review your plural forms. Some words have the same word used for singular and plural form as in the case of 4 thousand, which connotes a large value number.

Writing Feedback / "A Walk". Creative writing personal essay on a storm (descriptive) i need help making it longer [3]

Logan, your descriptive story has the potential to be a very good creative one. I noticed though that you tended to show the actions more than relate it. In order to lengthen your essay you need to have some sort of character development for the brothers. Give them names and dialogue that will help the story along. Don't just describe and tell the reader about everything that transpired. Paint the picture then tell us what happens through actions and words.

At the moment your characters are one dimensional and there is no sense of danger in the story. The conflict (getting lost) was not really given enough attention and detail to make the reader believe that the brothers were in any actual danger after the power outage. So you need to review your conflict and develop the idea to sound more menacing than it does at the moment.

You can start placing dialogue to lengthen the essay starting at the point where there was a power outage. Create a discussion between the boys that resulted in the walk in the dark.

Then, when the brothers are totally lost in the dark, create an ominous sense. Whistling wind, trees banging against a window, a car with only one headlight, these are all descriptions that, when properly utilized will lengthen the essay and also create a stronger sense of conflict in the story. Make the brothers talk about their fears based upon the ongoing scenario. Choose who between the two brothers will be the hero of the story and keep the other one calm and take charge in order to get them safely home.

I hope my suggestions help you out. I do not know what your maximum word count is but my suggestions should help lengthen the essay to a great extent. I look forward to reading the additional content of your story, should you still wish to have us comment on it :-)

Scholarship / I carry knowledge within me - Questbridge Bio Essay [4]

Rahat, you completely understood the prompt and developed an interesting and imaginative essay that actually takes the reviewer back to the beginning of your story. You show us the world that you came from and the struggles you had to overcome to reach the point you are at now in your life. While this is an essay that achieves the prompt requirements, that is not to say that it does not require any revisions, edits, or suggestions for further improvement. I'll be posting my notes and suggestions below. The phrases are edited portions of your essay with the corrections reflected.

my parent's point of view

The living expense

that forced my parents

grasp my parent's motives


- Justify this statement. Why did you develop less as a person in the U.S.? Wasn't your time here representative of the early influences in your life?

I could see destitute people

That is when I instilled a spark


- Try to make Arif sound more than just a tutor. He was part of your success and helped shaped your academic aspirations. Deepen the representation of your learning relationship with him if possible. Remember, you did not improve your grades alone. So this another representative part of the essay that should be threshed out. You can't just say you developed his intellect and perseverance. How did he lead you by example?


-Why so? Where was he? How did his absence further help to increase your desire to learn and improve your life? Surely there is another reason that your father struck a chord with you aside from what you say about having their expectations on your shoulders. Did he have dreams that you shared with him for yourself and your future? That is another way that you formed your aspirations so try to portray it in the essay.

there was no STRONGER driving force

I think that we can start with these changes for now. Maybe I can offer more comments and suggestions after you revise the essay and post the next version for review here :-)

Writing Feedback / Cbest - At some point in our lives, all of us have focused some sort of rejection or defeat [2]

Pb, this is a very good essay. While the grammar is not perfect, the story that you told and the lessons that you gleaned from the rejection are well expressed and portrayed. That said, I'd like to point out some problem areas in your essay with corrections:

institute of fashion design

I suffered many defeats during the selection

improve my performance.

My sister Sara has always been A role model to me

After seeing how much she ENJOYED this program , I decided

didn't have a knack for color, textile, detail , and style.

I spent hours working on PERFECTING A SMALL SKETCH TO RESEMBLE HERS.

I was really disappointed that I didn't get selected.

clueless ABOUT what to do next.

I got ADMITTED

INTO THE FASHION DESIGN program

Based upon this essay that you wrote, I would say that you are prepared to take the test and I believe your will have positive results :-)