Undergraduate / Why U Chicago - polymath education for an aspiring critic [6]

Hi, I would like to further the help you receive from other EF contributors, I hope this helps.

- In order to sculpt myself into theand be a critic...
- I know I have the potential to become, what I need, above all, isone and a..
- ...UChicago education is what would need .
- An education that lets 'knowledge grow from more to moresubstantial .'
- butand more importantly,
- I have boundlessthere is no boundaries for intellectual freedom...
- ...dimensions,- something the fundamentals to becoming a critic.

- More importantly,Furthermore UChicago
- is some where I belong.
- As a third culture kid,( I'm sorry but what do you mean by " a third culture kid" )

- It'sisalways hardgoing to take a while to elaborate to describe the best - minds of their generations of UC .
- YearsSooner or later, when people...

Well, becoming a critic is something very interesting, a challenging role that requires expertise in almost all aspects of life unless you have expertise which I believe yours fall in the English language or literature and this by the way needs to be established in your essay, because if I were to conduct an admissions process, I suppose you will have a major at least. Overall, it's well written, good enough for admission however for future reference, make sure that you use words that are conversational and not to make your readers guess what or where the essay is leading to.

The best of luck to you and do let us know how it goes!!!

Undergraduate / An activist of veganism - College Application Essay / Following The Prompt? [5]

- WithT hat being said,
- I have always wanted to develop a passion. (I say develop a passion because, passion is developed and not chosen like how you chose a course in college )

- I enviedenvy people who...

- ...that had ever happened to me!
- At thethat time,
- I didwas not...
- ...concernedmyself with the torture of animals.
- ...what the industry does to animals.for our food .

- But, once I wasHowever being vegan for...

Well, going vegan may be tough for some but it does have a lot of benefits. Way to go for you and the best of luck in this new found passion.

Now, your essay speaks highly of your passion which is very good, however, correct me if I'm wrong that the purpose of your essay is for a college application and this essay does not depict or justify it's purpose, I suggest writing much more about your academic background and add this story of you being vegan either to the body or incorporate it to the essay as much as you can without misleading it's purpose.

Scholarship / A Thousand Bus Stops - Scholarship Biographical Essay on factors which influenced my grow process [2]

- the most unsuspecting of places.
- After some time, my mom ran out of things to teach me, and told me about my mom ran out of things to teach me,(this is complete typo error, so be careful ) ..

- ...hardship and frugality have shaped..

- Even now,Now that I'm in high school,

Very compelling essay and a rewarding life, day in and day out.
I hope that my remarks help and with your endeavor in the future, I can only hope for the best. You did a good job in staying optimistic despite life's mischiefs and I know that it will not stop here so keep your grounds grounded and your hopes up higher than ever.

For future reference, I wish to see a lot more writing and play with words that can enhance your essay.

Undergraduate / 'hectic and busy life' - Challenges/Hardships That Affected You (Personal Statement!) [4]

- At the beginning
- theof summer before tenth grade,
- StartingIt started with a slight
- I knew I hadhave less..
- Because of thisWith my experience , as well as

- Freed from one burden,
- I see not the possibility of obstacle,don't see an obstacle but the future that I fought for.

There you have it, I prefer editing your essay right on then let you know what you missed. So, what I noticed is that your word structure is flowing not as strong as they should be, having said that, I suggest practice writing more and read a lot.

Scholarship / Bamboo huts - QuestBridge (scholarship) Biographical Essay- Need An Insight [10]

Well Tika, I read through your essay and it felt so good to see that you were able to come up with a much better essay with the help of EF.

Overall, I believe, only the last two paragraphs need a little bit of enhancement, so here it is;

- Nonetheless, I comprehendedunderstand the situation..
- ...to empower me to flourishprosper .
- I was given anam blessed with the opportunity...
- I wasam determined...
- ...where I was freed meam free from any worries.
- ThereafterIn the long run everything seemed simple:.

- But if I havearmed with determination,...
- With theI draw inspirations from...
- fluctuatingchallenging situations in my life,
- I am committed on excelling to threeexceeding goals

There you have it, still a lot going on and it doesn't stop there. A day in our lives is a day of learning and exploration.

Way to go and the best of luck to you!!!

Undergraduate / Essay on my religion - my story. [6]

@asad, I think you were not able to grasp what is asked on this prompt.
To start with, the prompt is asking for an essay about your religion, however I'm not sure if this is the prompt or what you really want to write about. There's a very conflicting idea between what is asked for you to write about and what would you like to write about.

Now, to set things straight, you should write what is asked of you and having said that, let's say that the prompt is about religion, I have a few guidelines that may help;

- what is your origin
- what religion would you practice if you can choose
- what are your insights on the whole devotion aspect of religion
- would you be a devotee or somebody who prefer to keep your religion to yourself
- what would you impart to the religion that you choose
- to conclude, would you preach for the religion that you choose

As this is a very sensitive and considered taboo topic, I'd like to caution you to be very objective in your writing.
When you're done and good to go, post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Knowledge is useless if it is not shared with the world... [4]

- ...something as beautifulacademically important as Physics,..
- ...professor along the way ofwhile finishing...
- ...that because of my convictionwith my will and....
- efforts I am a really adequate student that wouldwill fit...
- ...a hardchallenging topic such as Physics,...

-...young scientists like myself right now .
- ...have one same constantin common ,
- which is that is they...
- ...obtain the best instructioneducation available,
- which took meand this lead me to apply at U.T. Austin.
- ...students. even though I am no longer a tutor,
- and that is why I appeal to you: to give meShould I be given the opportunity...

That's it, as you notice, I remained hands on and went straight to correcting your letter right up front, this is because I want you to see how much work is needed in your essay and what has to be done. This way you will be able to follow through and for your future writing reference too.

Moreover, I made the sentence not so centered at you, this is because you are pleading for the opportunity at the institution at the same time I made sure that the admissions officer will get to know your capabilities as a student and as a great addition to the institution.

Well, that's it for me, I wish you the best of luck and do let know how it goes.

Graduate / Accomplishments and experience I gained - SOP for Masters in MIS from WPI [13]

Well, @Firefly, I agree with @vaniespen, you did jump into a much complex part of your essay, the first sentence can be on the 3rd or 4th sentence of your essay, this is because you have to establish the purpose of the essay. I understand that the purpose is already written as the prompt of the essay but you still have to make it a point that your introduction is leading smoothly to the purpose of your essay. I say you start it with;

The field of data, information and software development never failed to spark an interest in me. My quest in gaining experience in the industry leads me to a much bigger and brighter future.

From here, you should be able to insert your first sentence and take it from there.

- Furthermore , it can..
- ...provide me with marketable...

There you have it, I hope it;s not too late for my help.

Undergraduate / Will admissions sneer at my essay? You decide! Applying UCF. [5]

Hi there, i'll be working on your revised essay. I hope it helps.

-...campus that UCF provides comes,...
- Luckily for UCF, they win at both...
- ...is right for me and it's apparent...
- ...that UCF brings what I needis needed to the table.
- At UCF, I feelbelieve I'll be...

- ...feeling over came upon me once...
- ...but none left the ima print that UCF did.

Well, there you have it. I just made a few remarks on making your essay so centered on your choice of university and what the university can offer, because you have to understand that the university is the one that's going to give you the opportunity of a good future and you owe it to them, should you be granted the admission.

Overall, this is definitely a much better essay than the original one, having said that, I wish you the best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / Students from countryside - Scholarship essay help check my grammar [4]

Jackie, running through your essay, it does need a lot of grammar fixes, so let me help you out.

- It helps meonmy way finding a chance to change my future.
- ...scholarship to g o abroad.
- But UWC made..

- As an ambitious girl,
- Istill hold on to my dreams., I cry at...
- ...how to do,and when and ifi don't know if
- Im obsess bywith my goals.

- I always crave for athe chance to...
- ...a unique and challenging schools .
- I also have a special love withfor cultures and..
- ...countries inall over the world.
-...house and wandering on the streets to meet,..
- Im happy when i tell them about our cultures and help them.

- However i don't have much money to have such many trips. My family finance isnt allow me to do that. That's why i have to try a lot to reach that goal(this sentence is not necessary and will not help in your application, don't worry, the institution you're applying for certainly know you financial status )

- Therefore, if i were receivedgiven the chance this scholarship,
- i would have chancethe opportunity to explore the world,
- ...community with my love for culture love ,
- connect to people,
- cultures and contries, heal the world and make it a better place.and learn as much as I can
- I want to sent my thankful to all people who organize and work for this scholarship . thank you for reading my sharing!I do appreciate your time in going through my application and I hope to be able to contribute to your stemmed institution.

There you have it, quiet lengthy. I just hope that you practice writing more and read a lot to enhance your vocabulary. Also, keep in mind that when you're writing the word or letter "I" make sure that you do capitalize it.

Best of luck to you.

Graduate / Optional Essay for WUSTL MSCA (300 words limit) 'interested in Master of Customer Analytics' [4]

- ..I find mya strong interest...
- Before I had anymy data processing classes,
- I had already used excel to...

- AfterwardsMoving forward , I realized that...
- ....when I'm in my interested field.
- ...which only introduced the application of SVM on SPSS.
- I referred to other programmers'( an apostrophe is not needed for this word) code...

- I know fromLooking at the course description,
- thatI believe I can learn..
- ...and thus I am very interestedthis definitely sparked my interest to continue my study at Olin.

There you have it, a few remarks from my side. For future reference, an optional essay is still an essay and should not be written like a letter, therefore there is no need to address it to anyone in particular.

Scholarship / How Do I write 6-80 character lines? Is this correct or too many words? Special circumstances essay [4]

- The circumstances that affectM y family's...
- ...expenses is due to the factare that..
- we are a very low income family .
- ...summer which came to an ended in August..
- ...due to an mcl injury( I believe you have to elaborate what "mcl" means because I for one don't know what it means ) .

- Due to the fact thatWith my parents are separated...

It's quiet a tough life, but hey, there's always a rainbow after each rain, so hang on tight.
Now, with your essay, I'm not so sure if they mean minimum of 6 words to 80 words per sentence or they mean the whole essay should be 80 words, because that will be a little bit short given what is needed in the prompt and the purpose of the letter too.

Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck and we would love to hear how it goes!

Undergraduate / Makeup is my weak spot- Common App Essay [8]

Farukh, let me help you out with this revised essay;

- ...I'm usually the most overdone/*in search of a better worddolled up person in the room.
- This was highly unlikeis not me at all .

- I love the confidence it inspires inbrings me.
- It gives me the power to express myself artisticallyin a very artistic way .
- I'm not going to lie:, most...

- days I'm in sweats and my dad's oversized t-shirts, but sometimes it feels good to glam up. It's incredible how a full face of makeup makes me feel like I could conquer the world/my day ten times better/makes me feel so powerful. *make stronger sentence.( this sentence is ok, I mean if this is what "make ups" really does to you )

- I love the drivenness my nerdy....

It's an absolutely crazy - fantastic world you have their. You pretty much want yourself to be busy and to add to your busy and hectic schedule, I suggest do a bit of reading too, it enhances your vocabulary and makes you a better writer which I know you would like to do as well. Just a caution, blogging can take a bit of your time but it surely does make you feel a lot great. So, I hope the remarks I made help in enhancing your essay.

Graduate / 'Surrounded by an erudite group of people' Masters in Chemical / Automation Control Engineering; SOP [3]

@Navaneeth, before I go and help you with the remarks in your essay, I'd like to let you know that though your background is important in building your statement of purpose, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to elaborately write your childhood experience. Now we go to the main purpose of your essay.

Start your essay with;

I have always been interested in engineering and to decide which field should I pursue is a challenge I am ready to tackle. ( then follow thru)

- I am alsoI focus my interested in Fluid Mechanics,
- ...helped me to excelexpand my knowledge..
- ...in themthe field and I...
- Furthermore, I was able to...
- FromFor about 4 years,,,,

- ...the tutelageguidance ( I understand that you want to impress the admission officer but using words that will need the reader to look up the dictionary will most likely cost you harm than good ) of my professors,

- After carefully perusing the university websitea careful research ,
- ...with an ambienceenvironment that will...

The remarks I made is also written in the corrections above, there is much more areas to improve, I understand that writing a statement let alone an essay is not your expertise and it's good to seek guidance here on EF, what I would suggest for you to do is to write more and read a lot as this will help out in your writing pieces.

Scholarship / Rebel soldier. Close-mindedness - QuestBridge Additional Essay [4]

- ...were usually not aloudallowed ( mind your spelling and the words you use ) to be.
- As I maturedtime passed ,

- ...especially not based
- ...off ofon something as superficial...
- ...but also our community as a whole.

Well, this is pretty much what I can think of, though it is not your own community, I feel grateful that you think of some other people.

This essay already met what is asked of the prompt and though I still see spelling mistake, I believe your essay is good to go and you will be able to write something better in the future.

Undergraduate / U Chicago Supplement - I have a mind that does not stick - the importance of 'useless' trivia [5]

@whips, it's absolutely not clear to me, what the purpose of your essay. It's a supplement essay on the prompt, "My mind does not stick", this means something about an idea or a thought that seems to be very difficult for you to comprehend and upon reading through your essay, it's somehow going to a different direction, it's like you are telling your reader, I for one, that you are not remembering anything, even the book that you just read which may actually lead to, you being or having some mental difficulties or memory lapse.

However, you did write well, it's just not the way the prompt is asking you to write. I do have a few suggestions which is for you to break down the prompt and know what is the definition of the prompt first then when you are able to do so, then go ahead and write. I'm not saying that you have to re-write everything but it will definitely help if you know the meaning of the prompt before writing about it.

You can start it with;

Comprehensive writing maybe difficult to tackle and what is more difficult is if you are not able to absorb the information nor the contents of what is presented to you.

In this day and age, reading can be done in various forms, online, downloaded on the tablets and of course traditional way of reading is still alive, (from here you can add your sentences) so I decided researching would be a good idea. I went to library to look for some secondary materials, and the next thing I knew,

I hope you see the difference it makes when you add a little bit of understanding of your prompt and writing from there.

Undergraduate / 5 reasons to be a Hokie in the city of Blacksburg - Virginia Tech admission [4]

@Absera, let's see if we can still do enhancement on your revised essay.

- He and IWe both fell in love...
- ...his junior year;he was already he was so anxious to getgo back.
- ...that you hadthe institution has one of the best...
- ...and learn aboutthat their backgrounds
- asis similar asto mine.
- The overall sense of community that the students...

Such a very good institution to be a part of and it's always good to see the youth to be working harmoniously with each other and continue their studies in a well preserved and conducive environment.

Essays / Ideas for comparison- contrast essay [13]

Well, @basil, I believe capitalism is still better than communism, this is because I'm looking at Korea's government system now and practicing communism did not really do good to it's citizen, maybe with the business and economic side but overall, it's not that successful.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to do an in-depth research on this particular subject.
There are a lot of comparison that can be made in this subject and it is indeed a very broad topic to research on and if you do,

consider writing in a very objective manner and make sure you remain true to the facts and gather all the information you need before starting the article.

It's one of those topics that are quite sensitive and of course you don't really want to make any wrong facts delivered in your writing, at least for me this are the things that needs utmost consideration.

Scholarship / Mission 2025, I'm part of the crew on space - UWC Scholarship [9]

@Luckylulu, I am thankful I was able to help. Now, this revised essay is indeed very good. It's always good to have helping hands of contributors here on EF as you will be directed to were the essay is suppose to go.

I have read thorough it and I believe everything is good and well written, maybe a little enhancement on the last part of the essay.

- ...introducing to them to each and every tree.
- Their eyes lightlit up with amazement,
- which gives me the satisfaction of influencing
- ...athe new generation.
- After the trip, one smallA younger student...
- hold my and hands..
-...and to saytold me:,

- At the end of the day, we go home,The day end gladly and satisfyingly, we all went home with a big smile in our faces . - ...small things they learn toto day( "today" is one word )

That should be it, your good to go.

Undergraduate / Is my admission counselor making my essay worse?- Autobiographical Essay for Columbia GS [4]

@Latina, I believe that your college counselor mean well when she did the remarks on your essay and I understand if this did not necessarily convinced you that you were doing a good job, but don't fret, the purpose why you showed your essay to the college counselor is to gain advice that will be helpful for your essay and this is definitely what she did.

Now, your essay is written well and I believe you were able to justify the prompt and what is needed of the essay.
Just one thing that I notice in this sentence below;

- the experiences I've lived have modeledhoned me intoto become a strong individual...

Apart from this, I believe the rest of the essay is ready to go and for future reference in your writing, if you can avoid using words that are not conversational or not use on a daily basis, this is better as this will keep your readers to read more and be interested in your essay.

Undergraduate / I am a Mexican, and I will show what kind of people we are, we are excelling [9]

- Every so often it comes, my nationality cross my mindin my mind my nationality in school,
- F or example:,
- w hen the Mexican revolution is mentioned,
- where I come frommy ethnicity becomes part of the discussion,
- But what is what they "know" .
- ButHowever these are all stereotypes,
- Noww e now lack all that we were used to .
- ..my classes and beat all the challenges in my way.

Well, stereotyping should not be an issue for you in a negative way, instead it should be a positive, a driver that will lead you to succeed in life.

Hopefully the remarks I made helps.

Scholarship / Bamboo huts - QuestBridge (scholarship) Biographical Essay- Need An Insight [10]

- ...and unsanitary lifestyleenvironment .
- We seldom received( it's an ongoing action, so you have to use the present tense of the verb )
- ...my brother and meI .
- Being born in athis situation...
- like that, I felt like there was no...
- cover myour body and...
- ...a program called International Organization for Migration,
- ..saw the hardships, my parents were...
- enduring and decided to resettlerescue refugees...
- My parents decided to re settle in the...
- ...were heading towards the land of...
- InOn the other hand,...
- I was indifferent and apathetic;, I didn't...
- ...parents wereare the ones
- ...taking care of me.

As you can see there's quiet a lot of improvement to be done in your essay, but don't fret, it's always a step by step process.

I will get back to you for the next few paragraphs.

Undergraduate / The Statement explaining why I would want to attend the Oxford Summer School programme in 2016 [5]

- "I have always been an optimistic
- ...and an ambitious individual,
- wanting to seek new opportunities and explore new places, cultures and people.

- ...unbeatable faculty in a splendoroussplendid location...
- ...help me look deeply into the law,

The remarks I made above should be able to help you out.
I'm just looking for a lot of words to put into it in order to make your cut to the Summer school program however I thought of your word count that

will restrict your statement from writing more.
On the other hand, I believe that your statement is strong enough to make it.
Do let us know what happens...Best of luck to you.

Undergraduate / Skipping the school never was in my interest, I'm focused on the success only - UCF essay [4]

- At this school , I know that in this institution I will be...
- ...doing the most that I can to succeed.

- I tend to always remain optimistic as well,
- I know atthat in this university I'll give my all in...
- everything I do with the mindset that I'll succeed( I believe you had enough emphasis on saying that your goal is to succeed, so you can delete it in this sentence ) .

-EvenwithAbove all of this,
- I always foundfind a way to get everything...

Very well written, that's all I can say. You justified the purpose of the prompt, a few minor remarks but that's about it.

I hope you will be able to make it to UCF, I wish you the best of luck.

Scholarship / My country made an impact on me. Chevening Scholarship LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION [5]

- Even thoughif I was aiming...
- Here I worked with several community...

- ....I was instrumental in establishing strong linkages between the organization,
- During this period I also won a funds from...

That is quiet an achievement you have there. Very good job!!! Congratulations and I'm hoping you will have more strength and courage to do more and be an ambassador of our environment and tourism. I for one is an advocate of tourism and hospitality, it's challenging and most often than not, you will get a lot of lifted eyebrows than a welcome party or even a thank you. Believe it or not, tourism and hospitality is the future more than technology.

I hope the remarks I made help and the best of luck to your very bright future!!!

Graduate / Work and volunteering - Personal statement for Master of Public Administration/MPP applications [9]

- ...it was whilst at university that I realisedrealized how hard it had been.
- At first, I saw at first-hand the stark disparity...
- ...inof outcomes for young people from different backgrounds.

- ....so many poorer communities in the UK,
- ...led me to realiserealize that promoting...
- ...to further my objectives, first of becoming a better analyst..

- as it is in such organisationsorganizations that I feel the...

- Since then, I have focused in my career I have focussed
- ....a researcher and analyst at the UK's leading organisationorganizations addressing...
- ....my skill-set to make the most...
- ...out of the education your institution can offer.

I hope the remarks I made above helps.
It's a good essay and I wish you all the best to further your studies.
Learning everyday is a great way to live life!!!

Scholarship / Mission 2025, I'm part of the crew on space - UWC Scholarship [9]

- The sound of the 3-dimension...
- Here comes the 29th day of 29th April 2025.
- ...my whole crew is determined to keep this journey going on until we finish our missions.
-...pretty much resembles the chaos back at our home planet.
- And we bear the heavy responsibleresponsibility to...
- Hopeless thoughas it may seem, we won't back down.
- ...."the brother of the Earth".
- The beautiful green grass appears to join the crystal...

There you have it. It's a good essay that gives justification to the prompt, however I'm just wondering why the prompt says 29th of April 2025, I'm not sure what the significance of that day and year is. Well, should we still be alive on this year then yes we would love to have found a new earth. Hopefully it will not be that expensive to get there.

I hope the remarks I made helps.

Scholarship / I carry knowledge within me - Questbridge Bio Essay [4]

- ...I understood my parents'(an apostrophe is not necessary for the word "parents") ...
- ...were a lot less comparatively but I couldn't...
- ...being selfish of onlyfor my desires to...
- My first day therein Bangladesh ,
- For every pen stroke of pen I wrote,
- ...my motivation dippedgrow deeper but there...
- ...my mother would constantly telling me before...
- ...what new doors awaitsed to be opened.
- For my wholeAll my life,
- I had always needed a helping hand...
- Armed withWith knowledge within me ,
- I can easily take the next step without fearing what is about to come.

There you have it, it's good essay and you were able to deliver what us asked of the essay.
I hope thus helps.

Undergraduate / Why I can't eat my waffles like pizza anymore [6]

- when my dad got remarried, andto a near stranger...
- ..named Rhondaand she became my legal mother.
- ...being told, and more than one...
- ...I owed her nothing less than honesty and full respect.

Very well written!!! KUDOS to you, it is very entertaining and more than that, it's an eye opener, that change is always and should always be for greater good, most often than not, it is for the good of everyone, it greatly depend on how one person see's this changes.

I had the same struggle as a young kid who had to leave a comfortable life when my parents declared bankruptcy, as a family we have to drag our feet and wake up to a not so appealing house, a table that's not full of any food that we want or like to eat, but hey, a few months on and we started to embrace a simple lifestyle, we have roof in our head and food in the table. More importantly, we have a much stronger family and ever ready to face new challenges and the world as a whole.

Overall, your essay is very good as I've said before, you can actually write an entertaining book, think about this and let us know here on EF so we can help you out.

Undergraduate / DEFINE RATHER THAN DEFEND [5]

@Mensa, overall, I think you did a good job in writing the essay.
You were able to define and elaborate the purpose of the paper and your readers, myself to start with, is able to comprehend with the message that you were trying to send in writing this essay.

A few more reminders for you;
- practice writing, this will hone your talents in writing
- read more, it enhances your vocabulary and will definitely help you in playing with words when you write
- review the language rules, I mean I've been writing for quiet a while and believe it or not, I still consult the dictionary from time to time, looking for the meaning of the words that somehow appear strange or confusing to me or if I want to use a new word and I'm double checking if it's the right fit for my sentence and the article as a whole

- most of all, enjoy every second when you write.

I wish to see more of your writing pieces here on EF so we can work further and help you out.

Graduate / This is my SOP for Robotics and Industrial Automation [3]

@gagan, I completely agree with @vangiespen, your SOP became a research paper cum biography and yes this paper is too long that you will mislead and your reader will find no interest in the paper anymore. On the lighter note, you made a very well written essay that lead me to making a few remarks as needed, so if you decide to get on with the paper, I may be able to give you a few corrections, here it is;

- ...ability to look beyond the present.
- My country, India is also coughtcaught( careful with your spelling, turn on spell checker at all times )
- in the web of " Change " creating ample exciting ample - opportunities for youngsters.
- ..the vital need of the present and the future ( hour ).
- ...me to keep up with the pace withof technological advancements.

- Born in a family where most of the male members...
- ...are serving in core organisationsorganizations ,
- ...it in front of a toy motor to get it rotate using cells.
- This made me very excited about the logic behind their operation.
- However, I was good in diassmeblingdisassemblingonly and...
- ...and doing odd things sitting
- ...in a lab room full of unused motors,...
- ...terminals of a battery,
- so asin order to light up bulbs or...
- ...inserting testing screwdrivers to testinto electricity supply...

This is just the first two paragraphs of your paper, I'll get back to you for the next ones.

Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

- ...and create new technologytechnological solutions.
- ...development I have attended thea course on Computer...
- ...fulfilling activitycareer ( you are looking for a profession, a lifelong career and not just an activity you will enjoy on your free time ) .

@rodolfo, this is what I've gathered so far, you have set your mind on what you want to become and the profession you want to pursue and looking at it, I believe you can be a great addition to the technological advancements not only to the institution but hopefully to the world as a whole.

It's good to mention your academic and practical experiences in your chosen field, this will definitely help the admissions officer to weigh your strength and capabilities to carry out tasks.

Now the best way to start your introduction is to cite what sparked this interest that you have for the subject, continue writing by elaborating your academic adventures such as your struggles and how you overcome them, include situations where you technological know - how was put to the test and you have formulated a solution to solve it. Furthermore, emphasize on your strength and what you can do that will help the institution achieve their mission and of course all of this is for the welfare and greater good of the community and ultimately for your bright future.

I hope my contributions is not too late and we look forward to your final application essay. Best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / Im not just a Dreamer......Ewha Womans University: Clothing and Textile department [4]

- ...that still hadn'thasn't spoken her...

- Being only an infant...
- ...on how on an inflatable boat ...
-...we crossed us to the river in the middle of the night.
- ...be glued to just watching how...
- ...that needle would tear through the fabric onlyin order to create a piece of clothing,
- ...would go in on one side and out to the other,
- ...remote, into distract me,
- ...instead she handed me a hope and a needle,

- and I started to make clothsclothes for them,
- ...the color of the thread I needed...
- I ended up using a red thread on my black jeansas a fabric,

Such a very detailed piece of writing, this is very good!!! KUDOS to you!!!
Following this draft and the remarks I made, I know you will be able to complete this essay very well, just like your projects.
I hope to read the finish essay s we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Essay on my religion - my story. [6]

- Okay so i( make sure that you capitalize the word "I" all through out the essay)
- ...think theirthey are the...
-....most importentimportant ( be careful with your spelling, turn on your spell checker all the time)

Well, as you can see there's a lot of work to be done in your essay. Please mind the following
- capitalization of the first letter at the beginning of each word
- capitalize the names of a person
- your grammar needs to be polished
- sentence construction and ideas needs a lot of work too

However, there's a lot of room for improvement, I suggest practice writing and read more.
I hope the remarks I made, helped!!

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

@jackie148, as I read through the rough draft the @vangiespen wrote, I can say that somehow you have managed to write your essay, if for some reason you're still having doubts and still have time to polish it I'd like you to consider the guidelines below;

- yes, your imagination,your goals and aspiration and your futuristic ambition on how the world we live in would look like on that year
- gather facts, specially the technological ones that would greatly change and affect our daily life by that time
- incorporate your personal goals and make it known in your essay as this is meant to be your application essay to the university
- mind your language rules and review on them if you need to
- read a few research and technological advancements that can be a great addition to your essay

Most of all, enjoy writing and write it with the hopes of contributing to the institution for greater good and welfare not only for the students but also for the community around you.

We're hoping to see your essay here on EF so we can help you further.

Essays / Can somebody help me for Public Policy Master Degree thesis topics? [3]

@ieltsdesperate, I agree with @asperudi, not only does the great migration of middle eastern nationals affect the current state of politics in the european nation, this issue is also current and your thoughts on this issue will be highly regarded.

When you start your research, I'd like you to remember this guidelines;

- remain true to the objective of your research
- gather facts and figures
- cite examples, speeches and comments from highly regarded politicians and economists as well
- to conclude, cite your opinion on the subject but remain objective, if you can, include your thoughts on what would be the best or a suitable solution to the problem, keeping the political grounds of each nation

Most of all, enjoy doing the research because if you don't, it is more likely to turn in the wrong direction.
We hope to see your paper posted here on EF so we can help you further.

Grammar, Usage / How do I paraphrase this sentence? [5]

- Real estate's prices in Singapore have increased...

I think aside from eliminating the stress on estate , the additional information should be fine.
Paraphrasing your sentence is a good way to find potential mistakes and enhancements to your sentences that will make your sentence more appealing to your readers and to make sure that you get your message across.

This is also one way of proof reading, making sure that you have written it finely and you didn't leave any fundamental facts behind.

More so, it justifies the sentences you have and the thought of the ideas you brought into the essay or your writing piece.

I do hope that you can post the essay here on EF so we can help you further.
For now, I hope this little remark helps!

Research Papers / Help me choose a research question for a thesis from specified topics [8]

All the topics on your research are very interesting, given time, I would love to write for all the topics, however, one that stands out is;

Technology and freedom

Apart from the fact that our world is technology driven, there are a lot of unanswered questions and theories that hopefully your research will shed light to. This is basically like a question and answer portion which will be fun as well as mind boggling.

So, i have lined up a few start ups for you;

- How does technology affect our daily life
- how are we without technology advancement
- are we going to make it without these advances in technology, if yes, how, if no, why
- Given the technology we know now, why can't we be independent and live without it
- freedom from technology, can we or we can't
- weighing the pros and cons, does the advances in technology really matter

This are just a few questions I thought of, I will get back to you as soon as I have any additional questions that will help your essay.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship - leadership and influencer question [3]

- However leaders are individuals who can influence,
- motivate people around him and getbe followed by them .
- First, vision is a characteristic that every leader should have it ,
- ...because with vision a leader...
- During my first year in the university year I , witnessed...
- In order to create a corruption free school...
- I became a member of the student senate...
- ...of the university and opened talksdiscussions with other members about it.
- Despite all the hard work, we partially...
-...accomplished the goal,...

I made a few remarks for your essay, I hope it helps!!!

Essays / Ideas for comparison- contrast essay [13]

@elumani, your situation is quiet difficult due to the broad spectrum that topics can comprise. I agree with other EF contributors that there's a wide variety of complex and non complex topics that you can write about, however, you have to mind the following;

- the scope of the work that the topic would entail
- the research
- gathering of your facts and figures
- establishing the content of your essay
- knowing the pros and cons then later weigh the importance of the subject
- citing examples, notable contributions and logical explanation
that will back up your comparison
- to conclude your essay with justified analysis of the chosen topic

Most of all, think hard of the topic, something that you will not get pressured on, something that you will enjoy researching and writing into a masterpiece.

I look forward to reading it here in EF so we can help you further.