Graduate / Optional Essay for WUSTL MSCA (300 words limit) 'interested in Master of Customer Analytics' [4]

- ..I find mya strong interest...
- Before I had anymy data processing classes,
- I had already used excel to...

- AfterwardsMoving forward , I realized that...
- ....when I'm in my interested field.
- ...which only introduced the application of SVM on SPSS.
- I referred to other programmers'( an apostrophe is not needed for this word) code...

- I know fromLooking at the course description,
- thatI believe I can learn..
- ...and thus I am very interestedthis definitely sparked my interest to continue my study at Olin.

There you have it, a few remarks from my side. For future reference, an optional essay is still an essay and should not be written like a letter, therefore there is no need to address it to anyone in particular.

Scholarship / How Do I write 6-80 character lines? Is this correct or too many words? Special circumstances essay [4]

- The circumstances that affectM y family's...
- ...expenses is due to the factare that..
- we are a very low income family .
- ...summer which came to an ended in August..
- ...due to an mcl injury( I believe you have to elaborate what "mcl" means because I for one don't know what it means ) .

- Due to the fact thatWith my parents are separated...

It's quiet a tough life, but hey, there's always a rainbow after each rain, so hang on tight.
Now, with your essay, I'm not so sure if they mean minimum of 6 words to 80 words per sentence or they mean the whole essay should be 80 words, because that will be a little bit short given what is needed in the prompt and the purpose of the letter too.

Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck and we would love to hear how it goes!

Graduate / 'Surrounded by an erudite group of people' Masters in Chemical / Automation Control Engineering; SOP [3]

@Navaneeth, before I go and help you with the remarks in your essay, I'd like to let you know that though your background is important in building your statement of purpose, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to elaborately write your childhood experience. Now we go to the main purpose of your essay.

Start your essay with;

I have always been interested in engineering and to decide which field should I pursue is a challenge I am ready to tackle. ( then follow thru)

- I am alsoI focus my interested in Fluid Mechanics,
- ...helped me to excelexpand my knowledge..
- ...in themthe field and I...
- Furthermore, I was able to...
- FromFor about 4 years,,,,

- ...the tutelageguidance ( I understand that you want to impress the admission officer but using words that will need the reader to look up the dictionary will most likely cost you harm than good ) of my professors,

- After carefully perusing the university websitea careful research ,
- ...with an ambienceenvironment that will...

The remarks I made is also written in the corrections above, there is much more areas to improve, I understand that writing a statement let alone an essay is not your expertise and it's good to seek guidance here on EF, what I would suggest for you to do is to write more and read a lot as this will help out in your writing pieces.

Scholarship / Rebel soldier. Close-mindedness - QuestBridge Additional Essay [4]

- ...were usually not aloudallowed ( mind your spelling and the words you use ) to be.
- As I maturedtime passed ,

- ...especially not based
- ...off ofon something as superficial...
- ...but also our community as a whole.

Well, this is pretty much what I can think of, though it is not your own community, I feel grateful that you think of some other people.

This essay already met what is asked of the prompt and though I still see spelling mistake, I believe your essay is good to go and you will be able to write something better in the future.

Undergraduate / U Chicago Supplement - I have a mind that does not stick - the importance of 'useless' trivia [5]

@whips, it's absolutely not clear to me, what the purpose of your essay. It's a supplement essay on the prompt, "My mind does not stick", this means something about an idea or a thought that seems to be very difficult for you to comprehend and upon reading through your essay, it's somehow going to a different direction, it's like you are telling your reader, I for one, that you are not remembering anything, even the book that you just read which may actually lead to, you being or having some mental difficulties or memory lapse.

However, you did write well, it's just not the way the prompt is asking you to write. I do have a few suggestions which is for you to break down the prompt and know what is the definition of the prompt first then when you are able to do so, then go ahead and write. I'm not saying that you have to re-write everything but it will definitely help if you know the meaning of the prompt before writing about it.

You can start it with;

Comprehensive writing maybe difficult to tackle and what is more difficult is if you are not able to absorb the information nor the contents of what is presented to you.

In this day and age, reading can be done in various forms, online, downloaded on the tablets and of course traditional way of reading is still alive, (from here you can add your sentences) so I decided researching would be a good idea. I went to library to look for some secondary materials, and the next thing I knew,

I hope you see the difference it makes when you add a little bit of understanding of your prompt and writing from there.

Undergraduate / 5 reasons to be a Hokie in the city of Blacksburg - Virginia Tech admission [4]

@Absera, let's see if we can still do enhancement on your revised essay.

- He and IWe both fell in love...
- ...his junior year;he was already he was so anxious to getgo back.
- ...that you hadthe institution has one of the best...
- ...and learn aboutthat their backgrounds
- asis similar asto mine.
- The overall sense of community that the students...

Such a very good institution to be a part of and it's always good to see the youth to be working harmoniously with each other and continue their studies in a well preserved and conducive environment.

Essays / Ideas for comparison- contrast essay [13]

Well, @basil, I believe capitalism is still better than communism, this is because I'm looking at Korea's government system now and practicing communism did not really do good to it's citizen, maybe with the business and economic side but overall, it's not that successful.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to do an in-depth research on this particular subject.
There are a lot of comparison that can be made in this subject and it is indeed a very broad topic to research on and if you do,

consider writing in a very objective manner and make sure you remain true to the facts and gather all the information you need before starting the article.

It's one of those topics that are quite sensitive and of course you don't really want to make any wrong facts delivered in your writing, at least for me this are the things that needs utmost consideration.

Scholarship / Mission 2025, I'm part of the crew on space - UWC Scholarship [9]

@Luckylulu, I am thankful I was able to help. Now, this revised essay is indeed very good. It's always good to have helping hands of contributors here on EF as you will be directed to were the essay is suppose to go.

I have read thorough it and I believe everything is good and well written, maybe a little enhancement on the last part of the essay.

- ...introducing to them to each and every tree.
- Their eyes lightlit up with amazement,
- which gives me the satisfaction of influencing
- ...athe new generation.
- After the trip, one smallA younger student...
- hold my and hands..
-...and to saytold me:,

- At the end of the day, we go home,The day end gladly and satisfyingly, we all went home with a big smile in our faces . - ...small things they learn toto day( "today" is one word )

That should be it, your good to go.

Undergraduate / Is my admission counselor making my essay worse?- Autobiographical Essay for Columbia GS [4]

@Latina, I believe that your college counselor mean well when she did the remarks on your essay and I understand if this did not necessarily convinced you that you were doing a good job, but don't fret, the purpose why you showed your essay to the college counselor is to gain advice that will be helpful for your essay and this is definitely what she did.

Now, your essay is written well and I believe you were able to justify the prompt and what is needed of the essay.
Just one thing that I notice in this sentence below;

- the experiences I've lived have modeledhoned me intoto become a strong individual...

Apart from this, I believe the rest of the essay is ready to go and for future reference in your writing, if you can avoid using words that are not conversational or not use on a daily basis, this is better as this will keep your readers to read more and be interested in your essay.

Undergraduate / I am a Mexican, and I will show what kind of people we are, we are excelling [9]

- Every so often it comes, my nationality cross my mindin my mind my nationality in school,
- F or example:,
- w hen the Mexican revolution is mentioned,
- where I come frommy ethnicity becomes part of the discussion,
- But what is what they "know" .
- ButHowever these are all stereotypes,
- Noww e now lack all that we were used to .
- ..my classes and beat all the challenges in my way.

Well, stereotyping should not be an issue for you in a negative way, instead it should be a positive, a driver that will lead you to succeed in life.

Hopefully the remarks I made helps.

Scholarship / Bamboo huts - QuestBridge (scholarship) Biographical Essay- Need An Insight [10]

- ...and unsanitary lifestyleenvironment .
- We seldom received( it's an ongoing action, so you have to use the present tense of the verb )
- ...my brother and meI .
- Being born in athis situation...
- like that, I felt like there was no...
- cover myour body and...
- ...a program called International Organization for Migration,
- ..saw the hardships, my parents were...
- enduring and decided to resettlerescue refugees...
- My parents decided to re settle in the...
- ...were heading towards the land of...
- InOn the other hand,...
- I was indifferent and apathetic;, I didn't...
- ...parents wereare the ones
- ...taking care of me.

As you can see there's quiet a lot of improvement to be done in your essay, but don't fret, it's always a step by step process.

I will get back to you for the next few paragraphs.

Undergraduate / The Statement explaining why I would want to attend the Oxford Summer School programme in 2016 [5]

- "I have always been an optimistic
- ...and an ambitious individual,
- wanting to seek new opportunities and explore new places, cultures and people.

- ...unbeatable faculty in a splendoroussplendid location...
- ...help me look deeply into the law,

The remarks I made above should be able to help you out.
I'm just looking for a lot of words to put into it in order to make your cut to the Summer school program however I thought of your word count that

will restrict your statement from writing more.
On the other hand, I believe that your statement is strong enough to make it.
Do let us know what happens...Best of luck to you.

Undergraduate / Skipping the school never was in my interest, I'm focused on the success only - UCF essay [4]

- At this school , I know that in this institution I will be...
- ...doing the most that I can to succeed.

- I tend to always remain optimistic as well,
- I know atthat in this university I'll give my all in...
- everything I do with the mindset that I'll succeed( I believe you had enough emphasis on saying that your goal is to succeed, so you can delete it in this sentence ) .

-EvenwithAbove all of this,
- I always foundfind a way to get everything...

Very well written, that's all I can say. You justified the purpose of the prompt, a few minor remarks but that's about it.

I hope you will be able to make it to UCF, I wish you the best of luck.

Scholarship / My country made an impact on me. Chevening Scholarship LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION [5]

- Even thoughif I was aiming...
- Here I worked with several community...

- ....I was instrumental in establishing strong linkages between the organization,
- During this period I also won a funds from...

That is quiet an achievement you have there. Very good job!!! Congratulations and I'm hoping you will have more strength and courage to do more and be an ambassador of our environment and tourism. I for one is an advocate of tourism and hospitality, it's challenging and most often than not, you will get a lot of lifted eyebrows than a welcome party or even a thank you. Believe it or not, tourism and hospitality is the future more than technology.

I hope the remarks I made help and the best of luck to your very bright future!!!

Graduate / Work and volunteering - Personal statement for Master of Public Administration/MPP applications [9]

- ...it was whilst at university that I realisedrealized how hard it had been.
- At first, I saw at first-hand the stark disparity...
- ...inof outcomes for young people from different backgrounds.

- ....so many poorer communities in the UK,
- ...led me to realiserealize that promoting...
- ...to further my objectives, first of becoming a better analyst..

- as it is in such organisationsorganizations that I feel the...

- Since then, I have focused in my career I have focussed
- ....a researcher and analyst at the UK's leading organisationorganizations addressing...
- ....my skill-set to make the most...
- ...out of the education your institution can offer.

I hope the remarks I made above helps.
It's a good essay and I wish you all the best to further your studies.
Learning everyday is a great way to live life!!!

Scholarship / Mission 2025, I'm part of the crew on space - UWC Scholarship [9]

- The sound of the 3-dimension...
- Here comes the 29th day of 29th April 2025.
- ...my whole crew is determined to keep this journey going on until we finish our missions.
-...pretty much resembles the chaos back at our home planet.
- And we bear the heavy responsibleresponsibility to...
- Hopeless thoughas it may seem, we won't back down.
- ...."the brother of the Earth".
- The beautiful green grass appears to join the crystal...

There you have it. It's a good essay that gives justification to the prompt, however I'm just wondering why the prompt says 29th of April 2025, I'm not sure what the significance of that day and year is. Well, should we still be alive on this year then yes we would love to have found a new earth. Hopefully it will not be that expensive to get there.

I hope the remarks I made helps.

Scholarship / I carry knowledge within me - Questbridge Bio Essay [4]

- ...I understood my parents'(an apostrophe is not necessary for the word "parents") ...
- ...were a lot less comparatively but I couldn't...
- ...being selfish of onlyfor my desires to...
- My first day therein Bangladesh ,
- For every pen stroke of pen I wrote,
- ...my motivation dippedgrow deeper but there...
- ...my mother would constantly telling me before...
- ...what new doors awaitsed to be opened.
- For my wholeAll my life,
- I had always needed a helping hand...
- Armed withWith knowledge within me ,
- I can easily take the next step without fearing what is about to come.

There you have it, it's good essay and you were able to deliver what us asked of the essay.
I hope thus helps.

Undergraduate / Why I can't eat my waffles like pizza anymore [6]

- when my dad got remarried, andto a near stranger...
- ..named Rhondaand she became my legal mother.
- ...being told, and more than one...
- ...I owed her nothing less than honesty and full respect.

Very well written!!! KUDOS to you, it is very entertaining and more than that, it's an eye opener, that change is always and should always be for greater good, most often than not, it is for the good of everyone, it greatly depend on how one person see's this changes.

I had the same struggle as a young kid who had to leave a comfortable life when my parents declared bankruptcy, as a family we have to drag our feet and wake up to a not so appealing house, a table that's not full of any food that we want or like to eat, but hey, a few months on and we started to embrace a simple lifestyle, we have roof in our head and food in the table. More importantly, we have a much stronger family and ever ready to face new challenges and the world as a whole.

Overall, your essay is very good as I've said before, you can actually write an entertaining book, think about this and let us know here on EF so we can help you out.

Undergraduate / DEFINE RATHER THAN DEFEND [5]

@Mensa, overall, I think you did a good job in writing the essay.
You were able to define and elaborate the purpose of the paper and your readers, myself to start with, is able to comprehend with the message that you were trying to send in writing this essay.

A few more reminders for you;
- practice writing, this will hone your talents in writing
- read more, it enhances your vocabulary and will definitely help you in playing with words when you write
- review the language rules, I mean I've been writing for quiet a while and believe it or not, I still consult the dictionary from time to time, looking for the meaning of the words that somehow appear strange or confusing to me or if I want to use a new word and I'm double checking if it's the right fit for my sentence and the article as a whole

- most of all, enjoy every second when you write.

I wish to see more of your writing pieces here on EF so we can work further and help you out.

Graduate / This is my SOP for Robotics and Industrial Automation [3]

@gagan, I completely agree with @vangiespen, your SOP became a research paper cum biography and yes this paper is too long that you will mislead and your reader will find no interest in the paper anymore. On the lighter note, you made a very well written essay that lead me to making a few remarks as needed, so if you decide to get on with the paper, I may be able to give you a few corrections, here it is;

- ...ability to look beyond the present.
- My country, India is also coughtcaught( careful with your spelling, turn on spell checker at all times )
- in the web of " Change " creating ample exciting ample - opportunities for youngsters.
- ..the vital need of the present and the future ( hour ).
- ...me to keep up with the pace withof technological advancements.

- Born in a family where most of the male members...
- ...are serving in core organisationsorganizations ,
- ...it in front of a toy motor to get it rotate using cells.
- This made me very excited about the logic behind their operation.
- However, I was good in diassmeblingdisassemblingonly and...
- ...and doing odd things sitting
- ...in a lab room full of unused motors,...
- ...terminals of a battery,
- so asin order to light up bulbs or...
- ...inserting testing screwdrivers to testinto electricity supply...

This is just the first two paragraphs of your paper, I'll get back to you for the next ones.

Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

- ...and create new technologytechnological solutions.
- ...development I have attended thea course on Computer...
- ...fulfilling activitycareer ( you are looking for a profession, a lifelong career and not just an activity you will enjoy on your free time ) .

@rodolfo, this is what I've gathered so far, you have set your mind on what you want to become and the profession you want to pursue and looking at it, I believe you can be a great addition to the technological advancements not only to the institution but hopefully to the world as a whole.

It's good to mention your academic and practical experiences in your chosen field, this will definitely help the admissions officer to weigh your strength and capabilities to carry out tasks.

Now the best way to start your introduction is to cite what sparked this interest that you have for the subject, continue writing by elaborating your academic adventures such as your struggles and how you overcome them, include situations where you technological know - how was put to the test and you have formulated a solution to solve it. Furthermore, emphasize on your strength and what you can do that will help the institution achieve their mission and of course all of this is for the welfare and greater good of the community and ultimately for your bright future.

I hope my contributions is not too late and we look forward to your final application essay. Best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / Im not just a Dreamer......Ewha Womans University: Clothing and Textile department [4]

- ...that still hadn'thasn't spoken her...

- Being only an infant...
- ...on how on an inflatable boat ...
-...we crossed us to the river in the middle of the night.
- ...be glued to just watching how...
- ...that needle would tear through the fabric onlyin order to create a piece of clothing,
- ...would go in on one side and out to the other,
- ...remote, into distract me,
- ...instead she handed me a hope and a needle,

- and I started to make clothsclothes for them,
- ...the color of the thread I needed...
- I ended up using a red thread on my black jeansas a fabric,

Such a very detailed piece of writing, this is very good!!! KUDOS to you!!!
Following this draft and the remarks I made, I know you will be able to complete this essay very well, just like your projects.
I hope to read the finish essay s we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Essay on my religion - my story. [6]

- Okay so i( make sure that you capitalize the word "I" all through out the essay)
- ...think theirthey are the...
-....most importentimportant ( be careful with your spelling, turn on your spell checker all the time)

Well, as you can see there's a lot of work to be done in your essay. Please mind the following
- capitalization of the first letter at the beginning of each word
- capitalize the names of a person
- your grammar needs to be polished
- sentence construction and ideas needs a lot of work too

However, there's a lot of room for improvement, I suggest practice writing and read more.
I hope the remarks I made, helped!!

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

@jackie148, as I read through the rough draft the @vangiespen wrote, I can say that somehow you have managed to write your essay, if for some reason you're still having doubts and still have time to polish it I'd like you to consider the guidelines below;

- yes, your imagination,your goals and aspiration and your futuristic ambition on how the world we live in would look like on that year
- gather facts, specially the technological ones that would greatly change and affect our daily life by that time
- incorporate your personal goals and make it known in your essay as this is meant to be your application essay to the university
- mind your language rules and review on them if you need to
- read a few research and technological advancements that can be a great addition to your essay

Most of all, enjoy writing and write it with the hopes of contributing to the institution for greater good and welfare not only for the students but also for the community around you.

We're hoping to see your essay here on EF so we can help you further.

Essays / Can somebody help me for Public Policy Master Degree thesis topics? [3]

@ieltsdesperate, I agree with @asperudi, not only does the great migration of middle eastern nationals affect the current state of politics in the european nation, this issue is also current and your thoughts on this issue will be highly regarded.

When you start your research, I'd like you to remember this guidelines;

- remain true to the objective of your research
- gather facts and figures
- cite examples, speeches and comments from highly regarded politicians and economists as well
- to conclude, cite your opinion on the subject but remain objective, if you can, include your thoughts on what would be the best or a suitable solution to the problem, keeping the political grounds of each nation

Most of all, enjoy doing the research because if you don't, it is more likely to turn in the wrong direction.
We hope to see your paper posted here on EF so we can help you further.

Grammar, Usage / How do I paraphrase this sentence? [5]

- Real estate's prices in Singapore have increased...

I think aside from eliminating the stress on estate , the additional information should be fine.
Paraphrasing your sentence is a good way to find potential mistakes and enhancements to your sentences that will make your sentence more appealing to your readers and to make sure that you get your message across.

This is also one way of proof reading, making sure that you have written it finely and you didn't leave any fundamental facts behind.

More so, it justifies the sentences you have and the thought of the ideas you brought into the essay or your writing piece.

I do hope that you can post the essay here on EF so we can help you further.
For now, I hope this little remark helps!

Research Papers / Help me choose a research question for a thesis from specified topics [8]

All the topics on your research are very interesting, given time, I would love to write for all the topics, however, one that stands out is;

Technology and freedom

Apart from the fact that our world is technology driven, there are a lot of unanswered questions and theories that hopefully your research will shed light to. This is basically like a question and answer portion which will be fun as well as mind boggling.

So, i have lined up a few start ups for you;

- How does technology affect our daily life
- how are we without technology advancement
- are we going to make it without these advances in technology, if yes, how, if no, why
- Given the technology we know now, why can't we be independent and live without it
- freedom from technology, can we or we can't
- weighing the pros and cons, does the advances in technology really matter

This are just a few questions I thought of, I will get back to you as soon as I have any additional questions that will help your essay.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship - leadership and influencer question [3]

- However leaders are individuals who can influence,
- motivate people around him and getbe followed by them .
- First, vision is a characteristic that every leader should have it ,
- ...because with vision a leader...
- During my first year in the university year I , witnessed...
- In order to create a corruption free school...
- I became a member of the student senate...
- ...of the university and opened talksdiscussions with other members about it.
- Despite all the hard work, we partially...
-...accomplished the goal,...

I made a few remarks for your essay, I hope it helps!!!

Essays / Ideas for comparison- contrast essay [13]

@elumani, your situation is quiet difficult due to the broad spectrum that topics can comprise. I agree with other EF contributors that there's a wide variety of complex and non complex topics that you can write about, however, you have to mind the following;

- the scope of the work that the topic would entail
- the research
- gathering of your facts and figures
- establishing the content of your essay
- knowing the pros and cons then later weigh the importance of the subject
- citing examples, notable contributions and logical explanation
that will back up your comparison
- to conclude your essay with justified analysis of the chosen topic

Most of all, think hard of the topic, something that you will not get pressured on, something that you will enjoy researching and writing into a masterpiece.

I look forward to reading it here in EF so we can help you further.

Scholarship / Performance Anxiety [Questbridge Additional Essay, Prompt #1] [4]

As I see, a lot of EF contributors helped you out but I hope I will be able to contribute a little bit.

- ...my usual nervous reaction to nerves:, an embarrassing...
- - and speakutter my piece.

- ...yourself, and just...
- existingenjoy your existence being as a lesbian.
- ...looking down at the printed version of my piece in front of me ,

Well, there's not much to wok on as you have come up with a very well written essay. It is indeed a daunting task to speak in front of the masses mores if the topic you will talk about is something personal, however, what you get out of this experience is a lifetime appreciation of yourself, what you can achieve and what you will become in the years to come. I wish you the best of luck and check EF from time to time for any assistance that you need with your writing.

Undergraduate / UChicago supplement- So where is Waldo, really? [4]

- ...smothers his meal inwith ketchup and mustard.
- ...the red clothing that every loyal ...
- ... notice that who is perhaps the world's most...

- ...striped tee,( not necessary for a comma on this part ) because ...
- Little doesdid he know...
- that many tourists will...

Very fascinating, entertaining and yes, who is this man? Is he a product of our imagination or somehow manage to keep us intrigued and interested.

Regardless of who he is, we smile when we see him or if we thought we did and at the end of the day he leaves a question that will keep us following where he went and what he is up to.

I'm not sure if I catch your essay last time but you got me reading nonstop with your essay which is what most writers would wish for readers to do every time they publish an essay or a piece of writing. Well, I hope my remarks helped polish this very entertaining piece of writing.

Research Papers / Obesity from the Beginning [3]

- ...legitimately sum up to what's been...
- ...going on in the lives of many peoples("people" is a plural collective word for 2 or more person so there is no need to add the "s" ) .

- ...to prevent yourself from being obeseobesity ,
- ...and even from what you think your eating is heathy but is truly unhealthy.
- ...to know that obesity doesn't begin...
- ...based of offon how rats offspring...
- So, as of coming to thisAs conclusion, many women...

This is just the first leg of the remarks I'm going to make to help you out.
I'll get back to you for the next few paragraphs.
So far, your doing quiet well, I have very minor remarks that hopefully enhance your research.

Undergraduate / Art is my voice and peace - Common Application Essay Prompt #1 [3]

I'll try to help out;

- Growing up as the oldesteldest of four girls
- ...myself that leads me to always be...
- ...the best self that I could possibly be,
- ...and givegave me the drive..
- However, this has ideology has...
-...very few people even knew my name.
- The cons included drastically the hardest transition that...
- I had to rapidly adjust myself in a new environment fast .
- ...a bus, and a migraine.
- ...and every time my pencil hits the paper, my thoughts flow out like magic.
- howeverit has taught me not to never give up,
-...multiple things, but most importantly,..
- ...I canable to handle anything that itis thrown my way.

Just a reminder when writing the word "and" it is not necessary to be followed by a comma, also, you have to mind your verb tenses, review on this language rule as well as your linking verbs that makes the sentence a whole.

I hope this helps.

Undergraduate / UW Madison Application. My parents' divorce. Let me know what could use improving or corrections. [3]

- It was the first Friday inof April..
- ofin my fourth grade year ( did this happen in high school or primary school, in this sentence,it will help if you're a bit specific) .

- ...in my life that goeswent unnoticed.
- I was at the agedof nine when...
- ....so I was volunteered as the role model.
- ...since my parents'( the apostrophe is not necessary in the word "parents)
- ...the majority of my peersthem had not gone through what I had.

Divorce is a serious issue and for this issue to go unnoticed is an act of denial, I believe that the best way to deal with problems or issues such as divorce is to deal with it,face it and find solutions to overcome it.

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE- MANUFACTURING TECHNOLOGY PROGRAM- ESSAY OF A SATELLITE DESIGN ENGINEER [4]

- ...order to apply for the Masters of Manufacturing...
- ...University,in Karnataka,...
- I was also awarded atin various national and...
- ...state level conferences for creditableoutstanding performance.

- ...like those achieved by German organisationsorganizations .
- German engineering is internationally recognisedrecognized as synonymous ...
- ...I have realisedrealized that slow rate ...
- ...of modernisationmodernization and...
- ...Dortmund will enables me to improve...

I must say, your application essay is not that strong, I feel like it lacks the elements of a good admission essay. I suggest adding a few more sentences on what you mentioned as achievements and awards, also, I'm not sure if your just used to British english writing because of your spelling, however be careful with your spelling and make sure that you have your spell checker on all the time.

Undergraduate / Self-introduction essay for scholarship / research and development in Korea [6]

This is the last part, then you will be able to re- write your essay with the remarks and inputs from you EF help.

- ...I have been an active member inof the cheering squad.
- When theDuring my time...
-....I beinga a leader,
- I had met a lot of obstacles.
- The thing thats troubling...
- Since the dance steps has...
- ... the limited stay back time for other practices..
- ...such as arrangearranging the team patterns..
- The most valueable things I learned in...
- Cheerleading also developed my leadership skills.
- ...members to follow me bymy lead and proving..
-... my ability in such as the way..

- I never dream to further my study overseas sinceas it...
- However, this fully-funded scholarship provide...
- ...me a golden opportunity to study atin Korea...
- Once I know aboutwhen I knew about this scholarship,
- I started to search for the information...
- Apart from that, I would also like to make a contribution...
- I am very muchI'm sure that I can contribute extremely...
- ...knowledge after studyinghere ifshould I ambe given the opportunity.

Overall, your essay is quiet tricky, challenging and I must say "Good Job", as English is not your mother tongue, you were still able to come up with a very interesting essay for this scholarship application.

I personally wish you the best of luck.

Undergraduate / Self-introduction essay for scholarship / research and development in Korea [6]

- I had performed well in...
- I scored a straight A's in...

- As a saying goes, "All works and...
- I had hold the post of class monitor( what does a "class monitor" do) for
- I hadwas also involved myself in many...
- ...we had held a lot of activities...
- ...will never be teachtaught within four corners of the classroom.
- ...camp makes me a disciplined and...

Following the remarks I made, I hope you will be able to follow thru.
There's a lot of improvement in the later part of your essay, specially when it comes to grammar and sentence construction and this is very good.

I will try to do the last few parts of the essay as soon as I can.

Scholarship / When I turned sixteen, my freedom has ended. Questbridge 'experience' essay [3]

- Leading up to my sixteenth birthday,
- When I got the call that I had receivedwill have an interview...
- ...catalyst forof my first existentialexisting crisis.
- My self-confidence on a scale fromof one to ten...
- ...wisdom which havehad stuck with me ever since.
- ...but it was that I was allowing myself to think itof the terms of weaknesses.

Weakness is our way of saying that we are human, bound to have difficulties, challenges and strategies to succeed in life. So, never be afraid to tell anyone about your weaknesses, it's a testament to who we are and how we try to become better everyday.

Going back to your essay, I must say it's a good and written with the hope of letting every reader know that you are ready to take on the challenge towards the next step.

Undergraduate / Special Education, Campus - Essay Review for UCF Admission Essay [3]

- It's the afternoon before the first day of school-,
- mythe first day of my senior year,
- my last year of high school, and my last year at...
- ..I've been in six academic ( it will help to state that its an academic related) clubs,
- won 2nd placeawards at regionals for a club competition,

- ...of reinvention begins isin either middle school...

- I believe that attending UCF will not only allow me to continue developing myself,

Indeed, this is an unfinished admission essay.
I suggest writing more about your accomplishments, the hardships you have to go through to succeed in life if there's any and of course, how do you plan to promote good welfare in the community and within the institution.

Undergraduate / DEFINE RATHER THAN DEFEND [5]

- ...academic calendar when students'( no need for the punctuation mark on the word "students")
- leaders are were to be elected.
- As a senior high school student and the...
- My life was just that plusand much more.
- I was always the Oliver Twist in my year batch.

- I quickly picked up myby school blazer...
-...which is a coat of my colours just like
- that of josephJosephofin the bible.
- ...another guy with the hope ( be careful with your typo ) that he...
- ...in other activity onin the campus and...
- also I was able to set up the iCare Fo undation to cater...

I made a few remarks and I hope this helps in your essay, just a quick reminder, make sure that you remember to capitalize the first letter when writing names such as Joseph. Your punctuation marks and your linking verbs also matter.