Graduate / Help with draft Statement of Purpose/Intent for Anthropology MA/PhD Application [2]

At a time in history when humanity is facing drastic environmental and climatic changes,...

For over forty years, Texaco Corporation (now Chevron) extracted crude oil from the region known as El Oriente, and left behind an unimaginably toxic wasteland that has decimated the ecosystem.

In retrospect, it is obvious to me that much of my academic and personal interest in indigenous issues can be traced to Dr. Colin Scott's Ecological Anthropology class.

The undertaking of such a lengthy and intensive degree program (?) requires an ambitious and driven character, ...

On a personal level, it is worth mentioning that I have traveled in Europe and South America alone since ...

I am astutely aware of others' personalities and motivations...

You do sound much more like a professor than a student. I don't think you'll need it, but good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "an aspiring documentary filmmaker" - Northwestern Supplement! Early Decision [3]

When I began reading your essay, I felt bad for what I was about to do; make corrections and tell you how your essay could be better...then I read an essay that is pretty much perfect. I remember a spot where I wondered for a second if a comma should be added, but besides that, I could find no mistakes. Your essay will show what a bright student you are, what a nice way with words you have, and they'll know they are lucky to have you as a student. Good luck in school!

:)

Essays / Thesis statements on global warming? [26]

Look at those body paragraphs, and see if the first sentence in each one is a good topic sentence, to express the main idea of the paragraph. EF Kevin's rule is, 'one paragraph = 1 idea, expressed in the topic sentence.' Average them all up, look at all those ideas together and what does it all add up to? What does it all mean? Whatever that is, express it at the end of the first paragraph...after a great opening sentence at the beginning!

Undergraduate / "I thrive in low oxygen situations" - Macalester supplement, why this college? [4]

... Caribbean are a few activities that give me the thrill of replacing the oxygen that is usually required to keep my body running.

So when I started looking at colleges, I thought that only large schools would be able to give me the opportunity to pursue my quest for asphyxiation...Well this sounds crazy and scary!!

My colleges now seemed to be balancing on the head of a needle. ---By this, do you mean

My internship at an architectural firm not only uncovered my love for designing homes and buildings but also showed me the advantages of a small office.

After getting past the lonely and unfriendly first few days of work, I also discovered that everyone in the office...

This was the tipping point, I realized that being able to have a personal conversation with everyone was better than seeing new people every day , ---a common mistake, but two words here.

The only thing I can think of to improve Macalester would be a cycling team.

With one of twenty two velodromes in the United States twenty minutes away and hundreds of miles of mountain bike trails in the twin cities area alone,...

If you can somehow work in something else about low oxygen situations at the end of your essay, it will wrap it up nicely. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / the "Davidson in Focus" web page - supplement and Colgate supplement essays [5]

I saw athletes, scholars, and sometimes both.

These people that Davidson celebrated; they were brilliant, so much so, that I thought it impossible for me to fit in.

I am no Division I athlete, nor am I an actor or an artist.

... Alexander La challenges himself in new ways all the while defining himself within the Davidson community,"...

I can see myself at Davidson, sitting among the artists, actors, athletes and whoever else that is there, talking about our names on the "Davidson in Focus" web page.

Though I am not themthere yet, I have my own background to add to the melting pot that is Davidson College.

It has been an age-old event in my family, in which we all help prepare the company delis for business.

With my time here weaning in closely, ---does this mean your time here coming to an end because of going off to school? If so, you should say so to make this sentence clearer.

I continue to do my best to make the most out of these weekend drives to Costco.

Nice essays! That was a great tradition to write about, it fits perfectly here. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "Mergin photography and anthropology" - California personal statement. [2]

Leland has a population of about 7,000 during the summer months, while the winter population just barely tops out over 2,000 people.

But, as of late, I have matured to such an extent that I have been trained, in a sense, to find the beauty in everything, turning what I once saw as ordinary into extraordinary.

The enchanting ability to discover the beauty in anything that I feel will influence my future decisions and will help shape me into a better, more caring adult capable of enjoying the small and more important things in life.---This sentence has something missing, it's incomplete. The word 'Like' at the beginning will fix it, I think, linking it to the previous sentence.

Through various academic courses and photography as a hobby, I have begun to merge photography and anthropology into one.

Nice essay, you have a good way with words...have you considered a creative writing class?

Undergraduate / "to master the knowledge of the Communication" University of N. Carolina- Wilmington [2]

I will feverishly ---I think 'feverishly' might be a little over the top for what you're talking about.

In turn Also, I will admit when I need for me to visit the University Learning Center for assistance, and step up when I am able to provide aid to others.

By daring to be honest with myself, willing to give and receive aid, and being active in the obtainment ofand open to knowledge, I will grow into someone who is capable of being successful. later in life.

You don't seem to say much about what you want to study, why you chose that school.

Reflecting on your personal and educational goals,... What are they? (besides being a great student?)

Good luck in school and have fun!
:)

Graduate / "Mom's flu shot and quest for knowledge" - Law School Personal Statement [4]

Something so mundane has not only altered her life, but has subsequently changed the career path I'd set out for myself.

My plans have always been to be successful in everything I set out to accomplish.

But with the events that followed my mothers' illness I soon learned that my world and my priorities were about to change.

During my final year of undergraduate studies I was able to find a healthy balance between my personal and academic lives.

After months of being hospitalized, it was apparent that it was an adverse reaction to her flu vaccination.

Within this time I was compelled to research the care my mother had received while hospitalized, and consequently forced to see the inequalities ---is this the word you want here? It doesn't seem right to me.

... focused on the ethical decisions associated with healthcare, as well as health care regulation and financing.

Instead, I became more proficient and more motivated with the time I did have to take and
while gaining life experience to learn what my real passions are.

Undergraduate / "We present the Annual School Play 'Fiddler on the Roof'" - setback [4]

However, things didn't go as I had expected them to.

At the end of the rehearsal, my desire to receive tons of praise was met with sarcasm and disapproval.

" Jane was poorly casted .

But I had given so much for the play: long hours after school, and days of memorizing lines.

I didn't do all that just to give up my dream in the end.

As expected, I heard lots of comments but they didn't bother me because deep down I felt confident.

It was time for me to go on the stage.

However, my A-level finals did not go in my favour. I felt disillusioned.---What do you mean by this? What had happened?

It has made me more confident, with stronger resolve and bigger dreams.

In days to come I might fall but I will just get up dust myself off, and walk with my head high.

Were you saying that your grades got bad but then you made them better from the lesson you learned during the play? It isn't clear, what you're saying about your grades. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / Statement of Purpose (Biomedical Engineering) [7]

This is inspired writing. I recognize the inspiration!


You used a great approach, but I think when you take this approach there should be 1 or 2 more sentences at the end of the first paragraph to really share with the reader the theme you want to express.

You did not mention the "tool" any more after that introduction! I think you should continue that theme and use it maybe at the end of each body paragraph for the essay.

At the end of the essay, you can still use that theme when you talk about research pertaining to cardiovascular disease. Make sure the essay begins and ends with that memorable theme. That is how to communicate an idea to a reader's fickle human mind.

:-)

Undergraduate / Studying in Canada to be a dental hygienest and improve English. [2]

Since studying at intermdiate school, my dream has been to become a math teacher.

After I graduated from secondary school, I applied at many universities.

However, I did not get accepted to a college for math, which caused me a year of not studying.

One night my friends and I were reading the newspaper and saw ads for health college.

The next day, we went to apply at that college and I was lucky enough to be ccepted.

I have chosen dental hygienest and have studied for three years .

I have been working as a dental hygienest for teen---is this supposed to be 'ten years'?

What is it that you really want to do most, become a math teacher, or be a dental hygienist? Did you realize that you love working for a dentist and your dream has changed, or are you settling for that because it was convenient? I think your essay would be better and more personal if you answer one of these questions.

Good luck in school and have fun!

Undergraduate / Publishing Volunteering Over the Summer - UC Prompt for all applicants [3]

One summer, my mom learned about a volunteer project with Dharma Publishing Company.---I think this would sound better if you were more specific, like 'Last summer...' or 'The summer before last...'.

Telling meShe told me about it only hours before I was supposed to start, and I found myself stranded in front of an unfamiliar building as she sped off to work.

When lunch time came around, she introduced me to all the other volunteers, and by the end of the day, with her help I had managed to form a tentative acquaintance with everyone there.

This experience helped me find an inner confidence and gain a more open perspective of the world, both of which I now use in all areas of my life.

Great topic and interesting essay! Good luck in school.

:)

Letters / I am a multi-wavelength young astrophysicist; COVER LETTER- PhD position/astronomy [3]

I am writing to apply for the PhD program of the xxxx which advertised on xxxx and xxx websites.

... my Master thesis title is ' Understanding a New Class of Gamma Ray Bursts".

In the last three years, I've spent most of my time on gamma-ray...

I am a multi-wavelength young astrophysicist with a broad range of experience and interests.

Attending summer schools and workshops has raised my interest in spending my future studying these astrophysical objects in the Infrared, mm & sub-mm bands. I cut your sentence in half and ended this here, to make it all clearer.

My interest also extends to Gamma ray, since I've also had training on analysis of the data of IR-Radio observations...

I am interested in studying the astrophysical objects, including neutron...

One of the main goals is to uncover the physical properties of these components, which us a better understanding of the underlying physics.

Many, if not all of the scientific programs based...

Your essay is looking good, but I think you should write something more about the school you want to go to, and how it would help you to reach your goals.

:)

Undergraduate / Daria Morgendorffer, a smart, snarky, sensitive teenage girl - Person of Influence [4]

My life was cathartic and transient, in that there was no sense of social stability ...

...they questioned why we did things like seek popularity, and what use that would have after high school.

With Daria, there was a sense of acknowledgment in regards to school as a whole,...

... she still enjoyed life because she wasn't concerned about projecting a certain image of herself as a model student...

Daria is the reason why I didn't tear myself down after a bad grade and the paternal criticisms that accompanied it,...

Daria is the reason why I shrugged off the over-apparent social hierarchy of my school with dry humor...

What a great 'person' to write your essay about! Good luck in school, and have fun.

Undergraduate / Neuroscience Major, Real Estate, Volunteering - Fall 2011 [2]

At first, I was frightened, as certain behaviors these children displayed were not what I was used to seeing; very quickly my fear turned into curiosity.

This curiosity triggered something inside me that is unexplainable and from that summer on, I have had a fascination with the human brain and how it operated.

... I am back in school to further feed my curiosity and become a student of Neuroscience with efforts towards becoming a Pediatric Neurologist.

When I got into college, my passion for becoming a Physician began to fade as making money began to cloud my educational journey.

That very night, I started looking into what it would take to become a physician, and I haven't looked back since.

I recently disbanded the business with my partner, as the classes I enrolled in were challenging me in ways that have further fed my hunger; requiring the majority of my time and focus.

... I have discovered that working with children is more rewarding than I ever thought possible.---I ended this sentence here, as it makes it all clearer to divide the long sentence into two.

...I believe this this is the beginning of something wonderful and I cannot wait to expand my knowledge even further.

Your essay is great, and it shows how lucky they'll be to have you as a student.

Graduate / Information Technology tools like Computers and the Internet -SOP study in the UK [2]

My career interests lie in the ability to effectively create world-class solutions to technical and business needs, using Information Technology tools like Computers and the Internet.

This fuels my desire to pursue a post-graduate program in Computing and International Business, having completed a ...

I hope to get the chance to further develop these technical skills while ...

These institutions provide intellectually stimulating environments with good facilities that meet modern day specifications.

Academic programs in such institutions are usually well structured and based on recent trends, due to their links with major industry players and the continuous research work being carried out by staff.

I hope towill do the best I can to compete favorably with other excellent talents I will be schooling with.

Undergraduate / "faith, family, education and sports" - Describe the world you come from? [2]

My family has raised me to keep my faith, family, education and sports as priorities in my life.

They have encouraged me to put this into action by thinking of others first, and improving myself by working hard and seeking a higher education.

... my parents selflessly open their house to my two cousins and aunt for the past two years, I have been able to put this into practice.

This has shaped the way I view my future, and the steps I am taking towards fulfilling my dreams.

Whether it was through swim team, junior life guards, club water polo or the ocean, I was never dry. ---This is great writing!

Everyone in town knows our family as the "water family", whether it is my sister who dives, ...

I think you should revise your last sentence, or at least add one just before it as a lead in. It seems like an abrupt change of subject. Other than that, it's great.

:)

Undergraduate / "Dancing Lifestyle; this loss did not alter my feelings" - UC Application Essay [2]

This was the D.B.E Jam, my very first break-dancing competition.

When my crew GhostForce was announced over the microphone and my partner and I slowly walked up to the dance floor.

This time I was ready; my heart beat against my chest as usual, but the nervousness kept me focused on what was in store for me.

Once again our crew was announced, this time with a more difficult opponent. on the other end.

I knew that by facing them it would be extremely difficult to win, and to put it short, we lost.

This is a good and interesting essay. Good luck in school and have fun!

Graduate / A special education paraprofessional - Speech Language Pathology SoP [2]

Cake, milk, and snack were examples of words she struggled to pronounce.

While observing the clinical work of the speech-language pathologist on site, I recalled my language experiences as a child.

Having come from a Chinese-Filipino background in the Philippines, I grew up in a community where the majority shared the same cultural views as I did.

...even in just one language, led me to dedicate myself to studying about language disorders in children and the communication experiences of bilingual/multicultural individuals.

And as I pursue to become an SLP, I believe that these foundations would remain useful to my preparation in graduate school. On the other hand, my experience in research settings - which were obtained through volunteer work and internships - taught me skills in administering research studies and the importance of research to any field.

First, my interest in language disorders in children and bilingual/multicultural issues in communication, are both seen across the research interests of ...You should revise this sentence for clarity.

Beyond that, I hope to show my sincere interest in helping individuals with communication difficulties by providing services to them with personal warmth. ---If this were my essay, I would say 'warmth and compassion'...

Specifically, my aim is towork with bilingual/multicultural children with special needs and those in under served populations.

Nonetheless, I am also willing and open to serving individuals of all ages and backgrounds .

Undergraduate / the 62nd annual Youth and Government conference: Experience UC 2 [2]

It looked like a scene from a horror film, about teenagers taking over the world.

I am proud to say that I am a part of such a program, where individuals can be extremely diverse in every aspect, yet fit in with each other exquisitely.

But this program has given me more than pride alone; it has strengthened my confidence and taught me not to be afraid to take risks . --I hope you don't mind that I changed your sentence a little!

It not only pushed me to step outside of my comfort zone, it dissolved my comfort zone completely.---I like this sentence!

...last year, I could now speak before any crowd with verve and aplomb. ---This is great writing!

When Youth and Government nominations were held this year I kept in mind my mistakes of the previous year.

You chose a good and interesting topic and did a fine job on your essay. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Girl Scouts and Completing - FAMU ESSAY activity, interest [3]

I've been involved in many activities, had many interests , experienced a whole lifetime of things, and had numerous achievements.

I must say the achievement which is most meaningful to me is being in Girl Scouts and Completing my silver award.

I may have even helped out a child who wanted to expand their reading skills, and it prepared me to continue towards my gold award.

It was meaningful because I feel as if every school should have an equal learning opportunity.

I knew that donating some books wouldn't make a drastic change to the school but it would make some change.

Studies show that not many students in elementary grades are interested in reading.

What about the students that are interested in or enjoy reading?

I know didn't help the whole school or even a class room but it meant something to me because I felt I helped at least one student.----You already said all this before.

Lastly, the project prepared me to work towards completing my next project.

My next project before I graduate is to help the homeless in haiti, by collecting and donating tents to send out to haiti so the homeless can have shelter to protect them from the weather.---Don't forget to capitalize Haiti.

How meaningful would it be to? To help out a child?---You could make this better by combining these fragmented sentences.

Undergraduate / "Growing Through Other People" Rutgers Application Essay [2]

"Growing Through Other People"
Choices are what guide us through life.

Out of the infinite number of possible paths to take, one can never be sure about the outcome until he makes the decision.

Life is about making choices, and one of the biggest choices to make, in life is deciding which college to go to.

In my high school, there are only a few people to talk to every day .

Usually, I do not notice this during the school day, but whenever my best friend and I talk with each other, our discussions tend to end up at this topic.---What topic? That there is no one to talk to?

Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.---All you're saying in your essay really, is that any college has more people than the high school you attended. You are not saying anything about yourself, what you want to study, what you are interested in.

Graduate / Poverty: SOP for UT Austin Urban Planning Graduate Program [2]

This bright-eyed optimism however, has recently begun to fade, as I have witnessed the crippling effects that chronic poverty has on so many of my kids.

Why should LaQuana care about the political process when she calls the local Motel 6 her home? Why should Dre'monte care about the Bill of Rights when he is worried about his rival gang putting a hit out on him?------I don't think you should use first names, especially as they are ethnic. It sounds bad, maybe stereotypical. Do you see what I mean?

My four years as a public school teacher have taught me that the children we teach are largely affected by the homes and communities they come from.

Community and Regional Planning is the professional forum that will give me the skills necessary to help struggling communities develop their own visions and innovative solutions, which will allow them to stand...

I am especially interested in coordinating programs among the multiple facets of the new public sector that focuses on providing...

A close friend was killed in a car accident, and a month later, I was sexually assaulted.

Even though I sought counseling throughout the year, I still struggled to hold it together...

Going to the support groups, and sharing my story, and listening others really showed me that it is impossible to bear the entire weight of the world on your own.

Undergraduate / Two Inches of Shame-- Purdue application essay [3]

The hitter that stepped into the batters box led the league in batting average, and as the catcher, I had witnessed him demolish my pitcher's self esteem more than once. ---Great sentence!

I told a joke, because humor seemed to be the best medicine.

I gained confidence with every pitch, that we would get out of the inning and a building of hope was erected where a wasteland of worry once occupied.

It was only a slow ground ball to the third baseman , and relief spread through my team.

It was a play we had practiced before, hundreds of times.

I routinely catch the ball with my foot on the plate, and then I routinely throw the ball to first base for the double play.

It was a mere two inches, that separated my foot from the plate.

I felt as if I had stolen everything we had worked for and thrown it away.

You're a good writer! Great essay, good luck in school!
:)

Graduate / "Modern technology, UMDCP's HCI research group" - Personal statement computer science [2]

Modern technology has greatly simplified our lives and released us from many daily chores and repetitive tasks.

My undergraduate studies at XX University have brought me into the fascinating realm of software engineering, and have provided me preliminary knowledge about computer science.

My studies and training in my undergraduate years have laid me a solid fundamental knowledge of the usability field.

... I was immediately fascinated by its broad applicability and started to apply it in solving some real-life problems.

For example, once I designed an algorithm according to Ebbinghaus' forgetting curve and developed word memorization-planning software for users to memorize more English vocabulary.

I analyzed the logic relationship between elements, and built logic and physical models for the entire system.

After three years of academic and practical experience, I found human-computer interaction (HCI) could address the above mentioned problem.

With a long-term wish to become a bulldozer of barriers between humans and computers, I am determined to further my graduate education in the field of HCI.

Great essay, and good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / Filling the Gap: Legalizing Organ Trade (Persuasive Essay) [2]

Only about 20,000 received them that year, while over 7,000 people died when new organs would have saved them.

Recall thatWell, the National Organ Transplant...

"In Iran, the waiting list for kidneys was eliminated in 1999, 11 years after the legalization of organ vending, and for the past eight years, Iran has had no waiting list for kidneys."---Wow, this is awesome, I didn't know anything about this!

Every one of these services are performed on voluntary vendors , and they benefit millions of others around the country.

Health care is already extremely expensive, and many people dislike the idea of allowing organ vending because not everyone would be able to afford it. At first, this sounds logical: we live in a capitalistic society and health care is a...

Let us consider that Iran's kidney vending market provides most vendors between three thousand...

This is a powerful essay! Very well thought out and researched...you're an excellent writer! Good luck in school.

:)

Undergraduate / Tradition, excellence, community -"vires, artes, mores" philosophies admission essay [2]

"Vires, Artes, Mores" or "Strength, Skill, Character" has been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State Seminoles for over one hundred years, and the values of this philosophy are embodied within me.

Noticeable to the people who have it, is intellectual strength.

Also, intellectually, I also feel that being able to debate on various topics with a solid opinion and thought process is a notable strength that can help the world on a grand scale and a small scale, something I plan to do.

Morally, a lifetime of hardships, and in particular, the betrayal of a family member and a resulting broken family when I was only three, has taught me right from wrong and made me become a good person in order not to cause anyone else the pain I've seen caused.

The skills I have that truly separate me, are my various talents and the fact that I am always learning new talents.

I juggle, which is a dexterous talent which is amazing to watch , and for a performer like me, this is the perfect talent.

This makes me a "chameleon" of traditions, able to blend in and out of whatever I come near , to shed the old and embrace the new.

Your essay is great, and you sound like a fun person to know. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "I am from.. Philippines"-Rutgers Essay [2]

The only English words I could speak confidently were "No" and "Yes." Even though English was not my first language, it quickly became my primary language.

They cook a lot of traditional Filipino foods such as adobo or kare-kare.

When I was younger, I did not see any of my friends and peers as being different from me or coming from a different background.

Many of my friends have invited me to share in their family parties .

I think you answered the prompt nicely. Good luck in school, and have fun!
:)

Graduate / Applying for a postdoctoral position in your lab. [2]

Hello, How do you do?
I am writing to you, to apply for a postdoctoral position in your lab.

I am working in the Department of Electrical and Information Engineering, Wuhan Polytechnic University, Wuhan, P.R. China.

I have received my PhD this year and have done some research in Germany over the past two years.
I am very interested in the content of your research, including health economic modelling, etc..

I am very eager to know whether I will have this wonderful opportunity to study in your side and do my postdoc research in your lab at any time.

If I can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact with me.
Thank you for your time and attention.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I hope all goes well for you in school!

:)

Undergraduate / "The sense of academic camaraderie" - suggestions regarding my Lehigh supplement. [4]

In order to determine if Lehigh is the perfect match, I decided to attend their V.I.E.W. program.

Being surrounded by students who were united by a common love for learning was inspiring.

I look forward to being part of a community of intellectual students, who not only learn with each other, but from each other.

In high school I have helped found the math club, and have been exceedingly active in art and music clubs.

I think this would be even better if you mention engineering mechanics again at the end of your essay, to tie it all together.

Undergraduate / "The Camping Tradition"- Common App, topic of my choice [2]

In my half-dreamlike state I began to relive the memories of the many years spent here.

Twenty years ago, my parents and another couple, the Smiths, began the practice of camping at Mount Desert Narrows every Labor Day weekend.

My birthday, August 29th, was a bit too close to Labor Day for my parents to consider taking me on such an adventure.

In the 17 years since, both families have faithfully returned to our special camp site; not even the rain or a broken down car could keep us away.

One may argue that a group of teenagers doesn't belong on the hayride, but Melissa, Kristen, and I always make ourselves a seat between the many toddlers and parents who crowded into the splintered wooden seats.

... muddy sand bordering the water-front campsites is highly sought after real estate for the little buggers.---this is great writing!

Once, Casey parked his bike at what he thought a responsible distance from the rising tide's grasp.

My sister has also fallen victim to a clamming-related accident. --this is so funny!

Of all our traditions at Bar Harbor, there is one that we don't often mention in casual conversation.

Scholarship / (Reduction of tuition fees) A scholarship application essay [4]

My decision to pursue my master degree at --- is made after prudent consideration regarding the course's structure and my future goal.

Both my diploma and undergraduate studies in Japan have helped me to realize the very first step towards my goal and has encouraged me to further my studies at a higher level.

Apart from being able to retain my CGPA above 3.90 during my studies here, I have actively attended to lectures and conferences held at the university and participated in different extracurricular activities, for instance, the English Club, Japanese Language Speech contests, World Vision Japan, and etc.

The Department of Chemistry at ---- is one of the most prestigious departments in the UK, and by taking advantage of the strong collaboration with the industrial sector available, I believe I will be greatly benefited.

As my goal is to help improve the technologies of third-world countries, such experiences will allow me to learn of the cutting edge technologies and gain useful perspectives that I can make use of in the future.

After completing the master course, my intention is to further my study to PhD if I am financially able .

I believe with the reduction of my tuition fees, I will be able to concentrate more on my studies and the research projects involved .

:)

Undergraduate / "The pharmacy program: what Attracts You to this College?" UMichigan essay [2]

Somehow, developing junior rheumatoid arthritis at age eleven and seeing what a difference my specific medications have made in treating my ailment have instilled --- This sentence is way too long. You could make this better and clearer, by breaking it into at least two sentences.

What attracts me to the pharmacy program at the University of Michigan is the amount of clinical and patient-care experience this major offers, because observation paired with classroom learning make a successful pair. ---Maybe I'm just picky, but I don't like the use of the word 'pair' twice so close together. :)

I have always been drawn to the fast-paced environment of hospitals and I love to interact with people, so I think that a career as a hospital pharmacist, would completely combine my interests.

Having The opportunity to get hospital and patient-care experience in my first year of college itself would help to either solidify my interests in this field of pharmacy or direct them elsewhere.

The chance to explore my options as a pharmacist before my career even begins, is a great advantage and makes this curriculum even more appealing.

Also, the ability to experience and understand the career as a pharmacist and all it entails in my early years of study, is a great preparation for the future.

Research Papers / Need a topic for my Accounting Research Project thesis paper.... [6]

Hi,

I found LOTS of ideas just by googling this: accounting thesis topic

If you are just looking for ideas, googling gets good results. I wish I was knowledgeable enough to tell you what is happening currently in research pertaining to the field... but I'm not! If you search a database of professional journal articles, you can read some recent ones and see what is included in the LITERATURE REVIEW. That is the easiest way to catch up with what is going on in scholarly discourse about accounting topics. Just read some other people's lit reviews.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / JHU short answer--statistics for dummies [2]

This essay is impressive because of the strong focus on a particular topic of interest. It is great when you meet someone who knows exactly what s/he wants to do.

Statistics is just a means to an end, though. It is a tool, and tools can be used for various causes. Even though this essay is already very good, I would like it even more if you told the reader what cause you want to support through the application of your skill ... is it to help with medical research? Predicting market trends? Quantitative social science research? The best thing about this essay is the precise focus on a particular topic of interest. You can sharpen the focus even more if you specify the kind of work you would like to use it for. What kind of engineering interests you?

I think this will impress them, because we do not often meet undergrads passionate about statistics!

Undergraduate / "A Japanese talented in arts" - Rutgers, your talents, liderships, volunteer, culture [2]

If Rutgers University is a vibrant community, I'm more than happy to go to that university. ---the word vibrant means lively and shining with life. Many universities have vibrant communities. I think you should add1 or 2 words to this intro to make it clearer.

Because there are is a wide variety

And that's when I noticed the competition, which made me nervous. Re gardless, I interacted with everyone.

Every Ever since I was little I was wanted to travel the world, and Japan is one of my main places to go to the places I would most like to visit. I'd love to learn languages, cultures throughout college. it's really nice.

This essay is all about cultural diversity and language... a great topic. But I hope you can think of a MAIN IDEA you want to send to the reader and write it in 1 sentence at the end of the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that expresses the main message of the whole essay.

Undergraduate / PRE LAW PROGRAM ADMISSION ESSAY/MARQUETTE UNIVERSITY [3]

AboutTwo years ago I started my own organization, S.C.P.I (Stop Child Prostitution in India).

Young girls from India,---No comma after 'girls'.

This organization I started from scratch now has over 2,000 members on my Facebook group, who are now aware of an issue that most people at one point had no idea was even going on in the world.

After visiting India with my family last December, I understand more every day why I have a drive to make a difference in the world.

I saw elderly men and women with missing limbs, fighting to barely stay alive.

... however, to be accepted into your pre- law program is not just an academic accomplishment for me, but also a step closer to having a chance to make a difference in peoples lives.

With these goals and values I have endured , I know that I will be able to succeed at any task given to me and set myself...

Undergraduate / something you like,program that appeals to you and attribute of your personality(MIT) [2]

I love to play with other musicians, especially when I can connect with what the other musicians are saying with their instruments.

When I am listening to a song and the drummer plays something I like, I am able to connect to the song's meaning.

I love expressing myself through music, which I consider another language. ---This is awesome, so true, it IS like another language.

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I consider this program the one that will give me all the abilities and knowledge I need to accomplish my goals of becoming a great business woman.

_______________________________

I am always asking questions about anything that catches my attention, and I think and research, in order to answer those questions. In school, I like to go past what is taught to me and to go beyond the class material to obtain a complete understanding of the subject.

Whenever I am unsure about doing something I want , my curiosity helps me overcome that insecurity.

At the end, I left the stage with a smile on my face from hearing the applause, and the certainty in my heart that I had done the right thing. ---I rearranged this sentence a little.

However, I am thrilled to take this chance, shape my life, and discover where this opportunity will take me.

I was very surprised to read that English is your second language!

Undergraduate / "My mother, a doctor" - Who impacted your life Essay - Texas University. [2]

Throughout the seventeen years that I have existed, I've met several people who have had a major impact on my life.

My cousin had asked me to watch over her one year old daughter until she finished her chores.

During those ten minutes I was struggling to hold the baby with one arm , bend down to grab a toy that fell, and at the same time make sure the baby did not hit the cupboard next to me or fall to the floor.

I, of course, did not realize how dangerous it could be if I did not strap the baby into her chair.

I only hope to be as good as my mother was at raising a child, as I am very proud of how she raised me.

However, it is only the smallest way to thank them for all the effort they put into raising us to ensure that we got the best education possible.

One day, I hope to be the person that gets stopped in the streets to be thanked for the great deed I have done for someone, and be reminded that I have changed someone's life the way my mother has.

Undergraduate / Discovery and wish: How did you discover Bates? [3]

As a Pakistani, I have a burning passion for painting.---This sounds as if all Pakistanis have a natural passion for painting. You should change it to say what you really mean.

The intent behind my paintings is to illustrate myself , my culture, my personality and anything that pertains to my life.

To cater to this intent, I have, throughout the years, competed in many local and national art competitions.

But then she told me that "Bates" was an American college that highly valued all forms of the arts.

So after school, I searched up this "Bates" to see if it would be the perfect match for me.

And aAs soon as I saw the Bates official website...

So I continued day-dreaming about Bates, and for the next few days I could talk about nothing else .

Article by article, I began to slowly realize that Bates would be my portal for promoting Pakistani Culture in its purest form.

One article I read up on was about their Athletics program.

I am positive that there will come a day when all of us will truly understand each other and I want to work towards such a future and this can be accomplished by joining societies like Bridges for Peace.