Undergraduate / Is this Essay appropriate for the Common Application? [2]

Hi :) I really like your essay. It is very well written. I am not sure if the illegal status of your family would be problematic. I see one line in your paper that stands out to me, I think it needs to be changed: "I decided I didn't want anyone to think of me as less intelligent than them, and that is one of the reasons as to why I've tried so hard to succeed academically."

I think you should not say how you care what others think, what you think is most important. So, it comes off as that you excelled because you wanted to look good to your peers. But, I think it would sound better if it was re-phrased... like say how you felt the need to compete with the other students, and that gave you the motivation to succeed. Just an idea for you :) Good luck in school.

Undergraduate / Notre Dame What do you never believe &difference between intelligence and wisdom [4]

Hi again :) I think this essay needs some work. What did you never believe in? It is a little confusing, and you need to organize your thoughts more. I can try to edit it a little.

You mean to say:
When my dog passed away, I lost belief in myself. I did not believe that my passion for learning could be reignited, after feeling this loss. The sorrow of losing my dog was endless, because he has been my companion for 16 years. My whole world collapsed, and I had no motivation for studying or learning. All I could think of was the memory of my dog. I felt hopeless, because no matter how smart I was, my knowledge could not save him. I was so angry, and I shed many tears. However that day i saw a TV show about a little girl who had lost her sight as a baby. Somebody asked her "what is your greatest wish?" She said she wanted to read all of the books in the world. She spoke with the purest, most innocent voice I have ever heard. Her words inspired me and I reflected on my own situation. I felt ashamed that I had lost belief in myself. I learned that the passion for learning is inside of me, and I cannot let that slip away, no matter how stressful life becomes. Now, I don't believe there will ever be something that makes me give up embracing knowledge.

Undergraduate / Live Long and Prosper Through Good Nutrition - Essay Topic B [3]

Hi, I LOVE your essay! fantastic! Let me offer a few suggestions.

I whole-heartedly believe in eating whole grains and heart healthy foods, and I don't eat anything that I can't pronounce.

If more Americans paid attention to what is in their food, and took the time to learn, even a little bit about what a body needs to survive, high rates of obesity, hypertension, type 2 diabetes, and heart disease would decrease, making a healthier society with the longevity to outlive our parents and raise future generations that will continue to do the same.

This sentence is too long. Let me help you break it up and smooth it out.
"If more Americans learned to pay attention to their diet, they could prevent their body and mind from having so many problems. Prevention lowers the rates of obesity, hypertension, type 2 diabetes, and heart disease. Healthy eating is best for society, to give us the longevity to outlive our parents and raise future generations that will continue to do the same."

Coincidentally, rates of heart disease and high-blood pressure also experienced growth, and since then they have continued to grow.

If our society continues to groweat the way we do, we will fail as a species.

Undergraduate / UMCP: "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts." Essay [3]

Hi :) Your essay sound great to me. I can pick out a few things that you may want to change.

The trees whispered above my head, as my dad screamed with encouragement from the distance.

Biking was introduced to me by my dad.
You may want to say this: "My Dad taught me how to use a bicycle."

As we pedaled along, s hrieks of laughter filled the air around the banks of the Bagmati River.as we pedaled along.
Little kids leaped into the warm river for their leisure. I stopped and l ooked at my dad for his approval.andI quickly sprinted towards the river and dove in with the kids.

As we swervedWhile swerving through the unpaved streets of Nepal, my dad and I stopped at a temple to pay respect to our Gods.

Undergraduate / 'exposure to domestic violence' - MIT short essay: Your World [3]

Hi :) I think you should focus on your aspirations a bit more, because you only used one sentence to mention these. In order to keep it concise, maybe you should shorten the little story, make the paper 1/2 background, the other 1/2 aspirations based on your background. So, in order:

1) Unfortunately, you and your mother were exposed to domestic violence
2) you had to be strong for her
3) she made a great effort to build a better life
4) stepfather was a good influence
5) mom had set a good example for you
6) these influences caused you to be adaptable
7) this gave you some life skills, strength and resilience

I hope this helps :) good luck in school

Undergraduate / 'Cancer can be defeated' - Stanford Intellect Essay [6]

I think your re-write sounds great! I like the way it shows your personality- dedicated, concentrating on details, hard-working. And it show that you have a sense of humor :) There are a few places where you forgot commas, and I can pick out some small things that you may want to change.

However, t he troublesome cancerous cells however are quarantined in atheir own corner mini-fridge-looking incubator.They are kept isolated from the others byin a variety of lab machines, big and small.

How was I, a mere high school student, expected to cure cancer?

Why had they burdened me with such responsibility?
Who is they? This makes me curious, I know you don't have space to write all about what led you into this job, but I wonder: Who got you into working in the lab, was it a volunteer job or is it a paying job? Are you also attending school on the days while you work on this project? You sure do take it very seriously.

Yet while I may toil away my life in pursuit of the elusive cure and never reach it, I know I can always pass on the torch to my future student who will pass it on to his own and the cycle will continue till humanity is rid of this monstrous disease once and for all. For this I shall gladly enter the subculture room every day to feed and wash and curate these foul cancerous cells.

Your ending sounds like rambling. Try to create a solid ending by saying how the dedication and discipline that you practice in the lab will help you in school. These qualities will lead you on the path to a successful career.

Undergraduate / 'USA - China: you can control your life' - Personal Statement [2]

Your essay is very well-done, I like your style of writing and your story is touching and interesting. However, you need to create a better connection from the first paragraph to the rest of the paper. I like the way you mention your love for adventure, and that you will still play it safe as you were taught. I love the way you describe culture, and your grandpa, and connect those things to your dreams for the future. Continue to work on your grammar. You have a great topic, so not to worry, just clean up the small errors in your wording and your essay will be perfect. Good luck in school.

Graduate / 'musical training, interest and abilities' - Music school Personal Statement [2]

Hi :) Your essay sounds great, you said all the right things and it is very interesting. However, you do need to work on your grammar. I can edit some of it for you.

Music is a big part of my life, in whichit has greatly influenced me the most and defines me as a person. Music enteredto my life when I was four.A t that time, I was inspired by the happiness spreadI felt when the kindergarten teacher played a small piece. WithFor this simple reason, I began playing the piano. Playing the piano is a gratifying experience for me. It conveys my emotions , and gives me the confidence to express myself. In some sense, I could say music is my best friend, because music brings me comfort and supports me in moments of joy. I have enjoyed performing for as long as I can remember. However, it was not until recently that I realized I wanted to make music as my career. Performing is all of my passion, and I want to make this passioninto my career, to share to theit with others.

Undergraduate / 'Involved into the best program in America' - Application for FIT transfer. [3]

Your essay sounds really great, you have definitely written it very well. I have a few suggestions.

Everything that I saw and thought always came off as if they were not my ideas, because my life always felt as it if lived in someone else's.

Can you begin on a more positive note? I would replace this sentence with something inspirational, something that connects to the prompt question.

But fashion always seemed to have a strange grip over me, and this was the only thing that I seemed take over my interest; it was the only thing that made me want to create something that was only mine.

Here is another way that you could say this: "Fashion has always had a grip on me, and my interests have always revolved around it. It is my inspiration for wanting to create something unique, something that is truly mine."

It might have been because my father was a fashion model and owner of his boutique and clothing factory.
I would re-phrase this, because "might" sounds odd here, say how your foundations in the art of fashion were learned by being with family.

He loved fashion and was proud of his job, but some people, who did not know much about my environment, felt very strongly that I should not be engaged in anything related to fashion due to South Korea's difficult market.

This sentence is too long, split it up into 2 shorter sentences.

However, I founddiscovered the Fashion Institution of Technology. FIT is one of the best fashion schools in the world, and I knew that this place would mold me into the person I wanted to become.teach me the skills that I need to be successful.

Undergraduate / 'Experience in speech, soccer, tennis, hockey, FCA..' - Common App [2]

How is a middle class white kid living in a city that is 96% white, diverse?
I know everybody thinks of diversity as "racial diversity" but it does not necessarily mean that, you could use the definition in your essay if you want, which diversity means "differences" So, it can also mean "a variety, not all the same." Can you relate to those definitions? Because what you explain in your paper is how you were "not the same" you did not "fit the mold" which is a very good thing! Be sure to fully answer the prompt question- I think you tend to ramble a bit, so focus on what contributions you could make to the diversity of the school. Mention how you would involve yourself in activities in college. One sentence you wrote is too long:

The people I have met through my experiences in the fine arts have challenged me to become a better student and a better performer and their athletic counterparts have pushed me to a high level of physical fitness, inspired my competitive spirit and taught me lessons about teamwork.

You did a great job with this paper. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Cancer can be defeated' - Stanford Intellect Essay [6]

Hi :) Your essay is pretty good. I would work on the intro... when I read it, I thought huh? Only because i had not read the rest yet.. so, that may be what you are going for anyway. I would give the essay more focus on the aspect of working in the lab. Most people don't know what that is like, so if you could be really descriptive it would make your essay interesting. The family stuff, and the film, not quite as interesting, but worth mentioning. I would maybe tell it like a little story "a day in the lab" Then explain how you are a very small part of the huge mass of people and businesses that focus on eradicating cancer. Say how this makes you feel, and how it relates to your future goals. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'Chinese common sense and education' - Columbia Supplement, meaningful about books [5]

Hi :) I actually like the 2nd one better, I think it is easier to relate to the topic you are writing about. It is interesting. There is one thing that you talk about that really relates well to the book. You may want to work on 2 things:

1) This is a major point, so I believe it needs to be re-worded.
In real life, I protested when my parents disclosed the terrific grades of I tried to keep a low profile. Although it was pure pride rather than mere vanity that led to parents' open appreciation, both Waverly and I felt stressed because once our fortes were made public, we must always achieve so as not to disappoint our parents.

Here is another way that you can say the same thing:
"In my own life, I was modest about the terrific grades I had earned. Because my parents were so proud, they exposed me as a stellar student. A similar situation happened to Waverly, and the result of our parents' bragging was more pressure to excel, to not let them down. This pressure made us afraid to ever disappoint our parents."

2) Jing Mei is humiliated when her mother doubts her ability; she cannot bear being criticized by someone who should be supporting her. Just as things always reverse themselves after reaching an extreme, Chinese parents believe discouraging remarks may have an inspiring effect.

This sounds a little confusing. You mean to say something like this:
"Jing Mei felt humiliated when her mother doubted her skills because she couldn't bear being criticized by someone who should be supporting her. Instead of letting her make her own choices, she was made to feel discouraged. In Chinese culture, parents will do this, hoping that in turn, the child will become stronger by dealing with harsh words."

Feel free to re-post your final essay in this thread, I will check it for you :) Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / "How can love change a person?" -SUNY application essay- [3]

It varies with other individuals.
Maybe say it like this: "Every person has a different definition for the word."

Some peoplemight think that love is what defines us as human beings,while others might think it's just a word that has absolutely no value.

I started to change the way I dressmy style of clothing and my own personality to try and impress her, but that only pushed her further away from me.more.

I began tobecame filled with depression and anxiety.

I thought I should take my mind off of her, so I took a summer job at a hospital.

Just like that, all of the feelings that I had for her came rushing back.

I decided to take the risk and ask her , because it's better knowing then to feel guilt of what could haveregret.

Right then, I knew her answer.

Through love, I have faced my fear of rejection and took a risk that I would have never in my past.taken before I knew love.

Undergraduate / '60 Chinese students summoned' - Dartmouth Main Essay [5]

In my humble opinion, I really like the black powders subject for an essay. I love it because of the nature of your writing, the way you narrated your thoughts, it shows that you have good writing skills. It explains a bit about where you came from, and displays your personality. Both essays are well done, but if I had to choose- black powders is gonna attract the eyes of admissions officials because it is unique and really interesting. Good luck in school my friend! :)

Undergraduate / Write about an Issue of Important --- Sex trafficking --- Texas prompt [2]

Your essay sounds great! Let me offer a few suggestions

The only difference is society.
Can you be more specific, this sounds vague.

However,T he negative impact of sex slavery doesn't stop there.

The disadvantage of women in these countries now sprouts up even more as they have no opportunities to succeed without basic rights or proper education.

You could say it like this: "The numbers of disadvantaged women are increasing, and without basic rights or education, they have little hope."

These two sentences might sound better when you switch them around:
As of today, t he world's perspective on female rights as of today should be changed and sex trafficking must be stopped.
In this modern world, n obody should be crushed underby inequality. in this modern world.

Undergraduate / I am an Introverted Man (meaningful book/event) [3]

Hi :) This essay sounds pretty good. I can pick out a few things that you may want to revise.

Being an introvert and invisible myself, I find the reclusive narrator by the end of the novel venerable and fantastic.
I think the grammar sounds odd in this sentence, just re-word it to make it sound more clear.

But with my own inevitable and continued failures to do so, I find the invisible man's overwhelming defeat to be corroborating to my own hopeless efforts.

Can you put a more positive spin on this? I mean, you can say the same thing in a brighter way, "hopeless efforts" sounds so sad, maybe give a detail or mini story to show this concept.

Be sure to clearly explain how the book effected you, the only thing I can find that responds to this prompt is: "It justifies my failure, shows me how it is acceptable for me to continue as I am. Though I certainly live "one, yet many" lives in my introversion, I have come to understand myself. I can act freely as I am, and I do not need to mold to the extrovert to do so. I am me."

I'd like to hear more about how the book made you have a realization about yourself as a person, how you accepted the fact that introversion is ok, that you don't need to stand out in a crowd, it is ok to do what suits you and nevermind what others think.

Undergraduate / 'Only one life to live' - Help with my UC Essay [3]

In these fast paced times,era I live, everyone is pursuing his success within such a hurry.footsteps

However, the old saying "haste makes waste" has not been out of datestill applies.and I see from my worldIt is obvious that sometimes we move too fast, we become impetuous, and may risk making more mistakes.

(I think you need an introductory sentence for this paragraph, lead into it by saying speed can be dangerous) Or, modify this sentence: Last year, the rear-end accident of two bullet trains in the eastern city of Wenzhou, to illustrate, was indeed a tragedy.

You could say it like this, and it would sounnd fine to begin the paragraph:
"Speed can be tragic, like when two bullet trains collided last year in the eastern city of Wenzhou."

Undergraduate / THE LAST POINT OF "COMPUTER"--- DESCRIPTIVE ESSAY [2]

Computer is the most important invention which is used to get information easily an in a short time. The first computer was made in the middile of 20. centruy. It was so big that it was like a huge room and consumed immense energy. By the passing years; the computer has become smaller like a match.

You may want to start out your essay like this:
"One of the most important inventions of the 20th century is the computer. It is used to process information in a short amount of time. The first computer ever made was so big that it filled a huge room, while consuming immense energy."

Today; Computers which become so popular have some forms and equipments.
Maybe say it like this: "Recently, modern computers have evolved into many popular forms."

In this era if we say that; Life is death without computer, it will be exactly right.
You could say it like this: "Because society relies so much on computers, the world would literally come to a halt without them.

Undergraduate / 'Tennis career' - 1000 Character Extracurricular Short Response [3]

Hi :) Your essay is great! This is a good topic to write about and shows the officials that you are a strong individual. Playing a sport like tennis takes a lot of practice and hard work, so it makes you look good- in a way that your competitive qualities will help you keep up in school. There is one sentence that I think would sound better if it was revised:

The most crucial part of tennis, the service, has always been the low point of my tennis career. I don't like the way "low point" sounds... maybe say it like this?

"The most challenging part of tennis is mastering the art of serving the ball."
Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'the good times of my life' - Purdue admission [2]

I was going through my early childhood photos yesterday that was placed on the floor before me. My childhood was literally concluded on a paper that was no more than six by six inches. That reminded me of how quickly time passed by. I closed my eyes to erase the pain I went through as a child. The bullying and the difficulty an adolescent would face, but in my case, it may have been slightly worst. I realized that my emotion palette was filled with nothing but sadness, and desolation.

I think you should omit this intro to your paper, and try something different to start off with. The college want you to specifically answer the question- how will you college education help you achieve your goals, so be sure to thoroughly answer this question. You can mention that having a tough upbringing made you want to try hard and gave you strength, later in the essay. I'd advise you to begin with explaining the passion you have for math and finance. Explain why your mind is attracted to this field, what about your personality makes math suit you so well? What skills or background do you already have that will provide groundwork for higher education? How do you intend to use math in the real world? Tell the admissions officials exactly what kind of plan you have (they really like to see this) What are your goals (short term and long term) for the future? How do you intend to achieve those goals? What kind of things will you learn in school that will help you make it in the professional world? I think you have said a lot of these things in your essay, but try to organize them in a more straightforward and concise manner. If you revise this, feel free to post it in this thread. We are happy to check it for you. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / Teen Smoking - Extra-Curricular Common App Essay [7]

Hi :) I can correct a few things and offer some suggestions on changing words.

If you can elaborate more at the end, it would make your essay complete. Great job. Add some detail about how this project affected you, gave you confidence, skills, and desire to continue spreading awareness, that you are very concerned about this serious topic, try to relate this to your career goals, if possible.

Undergraduate / "Elaborate on extracurrilar actitivies" essay; I became aware of poverty at 7 [5]

I think your essay will sound more complete if you add a bit more detail. Explain how you found out about key club, what exactly made you want to join, how you felt inspired. Tell the reader exactly what feeling you experience when helping others. Explain in more detail what types of volunteer work you did- and connect this work to your future goals. Say how this work has laid the foundation for your future work. How does this volunteer job relate to your education, if at all? What skills have you learned that will help you in college or in a professional job? These are some ideas on how to elaborate and lengthen your paper. Good luck in school :)

Letters / (M.Sc in Petroleum Geosciences) MOTIVATION LETTER [2]

Throughout my degree, I have engaged myself in activities that aim to better understand the theories and practical applications of 'Seismic Method for Geophysical Exploration & Production' for the detection of hydrocarbons in sedimentary rocks supplemented with a sound knowledge of Geology & Geophysics and I want to continue to do so at a professional level.

This sentence is kinda long and a bit confusing. I think I can help you write it more clearly. You could say it like this:

"While studying for my degree, I involved myself in several activities to better understand the 'Seismic Method for Geophysical Exploration & Production'. I delved into the theories and practical applications of this topic, which detects hydrocarbons in sedimentary rocks. Additionally, my sound knowledge of Geology & Geophysics is the basis for continuing to work in this field at a professional level."

The Master Studies at University of Oslo will enable me to develop the skills n eeded to understand the properties and characteristics of sedimentary rocks.Combined w ith the help of Seismic and Well Data,that I can subsequently apply my expertise in the oil industry.

Undergraduate / '60 Chinese students summoned' - Dartmouth Main Essay [5]

That shameful shamefeeling struck me on the morning when all 60 Chinese students in my school were summoned to the front foyer.

Trying to memorize the difference of Romantic and Neo-Classic art for my first-period Art Appreciation quiz, I was frozen for a second.
You could say it like this: "I froze for a second, breaking my concentration on memorizing the difference of Romantic and Neo-Classic art for my first-period Art Appreciation quiz."

As I waited, and I watchedobserved my fellow Chinese students walking towards the school gate.in their usualThey were silent,with their sleepy eyed,half-lid;and their heavy steps beatsoftlytapped against the ceramic tile floor, like angry needles piercing through cotton.

Undergraduate / "Let's get going now" - UF experience, risk, event [3]

"Let's get going now", said my mom, as I stood outside my house,staring at the bright moon.

I Couldn't believe it was about time to leave. My heart started racing as our departure time to USA got closer.for our departure to USA.

Would I be able to adapt to the environment?

Thousands of questions arose and I felt nervous, maybe kind of scared as well, but I knew I had to do this.I neededfor my parents and make themto feel proud of me, because failure was never an option.for me and never would be.

It was aboutalmost time, in just a few more minutes and I willwould step into an unknown place where I had to start over.

Undergraduate / college essay for duquesne university; 'unique quality is something very strong' [2]

A unique quality in regards to a person, is something very strong. A unique quality is an aspect to a person that could define one's entire life.

I would omit these sentences, i think that they don't help you start out, begin with the next sentence. You don't have to actually keep saying "unique"

You say: "Something that's entirely unique about me, is that i've been diagnosed with a learning disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder; ADHD for short."

Maybe say it like this: "There is an aspect of my life that, without a doubt, has defined me as a person. It is a unique quality about the way my mind works. I have a learning disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder; ADHD for short."

What's unique about this situation, pertaining to me, is not only being diagnosed with a disorder such as this, but being able to cop with it and ultimately mastering how to make the best out of it.

This might sound better: "This diagnosis has caused me to experience a unique struggle of coping and mastering the negative effects on my learning."

Ever since seventh grade came around the corner, I thought my life had changed entirely, but not it a good way.
Be more clear about this statement. You might want to explain that seventh grade was a turning point for you, it is great the way you describe the process of your diagnosis.

My mother, Diana Johnson, is indeed an alumni from Duquesne University, and when she tells me something, notI must acknowledge her advice.isn't in the cards.

Undergraduate / The Bough that bears most bend most [2]

Life must be ordained on there principle of moderation. As there is a famous saying
"Excess of everything is bad"
You might want to say it this way: It is a common thing to say: "Everything in moderation" In order to maintain a balanced, healthy life, a person must avoid everything in excess.

It is necessary that one mustfor people to adopt a moderate path in every departmentarea of life. According to this topicideology , one may equate humbleness and tolerance to the bending of a tree branch.of tree. There is an ultimate limit of the amountload that a branch can bear, afterand beyond that, excessive loadweight leads to fracture.

History witnesses that whenever nations have been deprived of from their basic rights and cruelties have been committed against them, after a particular limit these situations have led to bloody revolutions.

Maybe say it like this: "As history reveals, any nation that commits cruelty and deprives citizens of their basic rights will result in bloody revolutions."

Undergraduate / 'My new life after immigrating to the USA' - University of Chicago Supplement [6]

Nice job on your essay! Let me offer a few suggestions.

Not only did the event further distance me from other Americans, but also I was confused about my heritage.
You could say this another way: "Instead of growing accustomed to American life, I was drowning in the confusion of my heritage."
I would love to hear about a small moment or mini-story of your revelation of confidence, this wold help transition into the next few sentences.

I understood my clothes were different, but that didn't change who I was.
Maybe say this: "Even though I dressed differently than the others, I was still myself."

It was a struggle because in class when we were asked to do group work everyone would discuss, but I would be left to work on my own.

Or, say this: "One particular school requirement was difficult, group work and discussion, because I was excluded to work alone."

Undergraduate / "Hey, don't Play Play!" - What matters to me and why (stanford) [3]

What I like about this essay:
It is very unique, this topic of singlish, I have never heard of it, so it immediately makes me interested
You explain how this language works for you, how you use it in everyday life, why it is necessary for your work.
You describe the origin and combination of cultures that it envelopes.

What I don't like:
I feel like it needs more detail, if you have any more room (i don't know your word limit on this) You could add another little story that reveals how you were affected by this language.

I actually don't like the "don't play play" part. I think it is unnecessary and you should use some other example of your experience with this language.

Diversity is a great thing to talk about, but keep it original, it is easy to begin sounding cliche when talking about this topic.

Undergraduate / 'community in the South East of London' - describe the world you come from [2]

Coming from a community in the South East of London, there's never a day that would pass by without sound of police car or an ambulance siren. This has become part of our daily routine to a point where I know the time an ambulance would pass by.

You may want to say it like this: "The everyday sounds of my South East London community include the many police cars and ambulance sirens. These sounds are so common that a person can predict what time an ambulance can be heard."

For me to be able to go and come back as I leave my house every day is not a habit but a miracle I would say. It had become a part of the everyday news to hear about a teen that has been stabbed and left for dead or badly injury.

Maybe say it this way: "Every time I arrive back home, I consider it to be a miracle that I survived. On the daily news, it is typical to hear about teens that have been attacked, abandoned, and injured."

I always seeenvision myself making a difference and having a positive impact on my community. I wanted to tell our eclectic stories through films.

Enrich a deeper part in the community thought impossible.
I don't understand what you mean in this sentence.

Films I believe have influenced positive changes in our world and have oppressed different opinions about culture dispute that people would normally talk about.
I think in this sentence you are being kind of vague, at this point in your essay you should not be introducing new ideas, but wrapping things up. In your essay try to organize your thoughts better, name several reasons why film influences people in your immediate culture, and how you can do the same. How will the film industry make a difference to you, and how will you "make a difference"? Through, say, a documentary on the unfortunate events that you describe at the beginning? Continue to work on this. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'My passion is computer science' - Cornell Supplmentary Essay [2]

As I was deciding which IB courses to take in my junior year, I spent time pondering about what I want to do in the future.

To me, it felt as if there was almost no future.to me.

I was fascinated by all the innovative technology of Google, Microsoft, and other corporations.

The presentation explained how fast the technology is developing, and how the world is going to change with all of these novelties.

I was so enthralled by these innovationsideas that I felt I wanted to make a novel change in the world.just like those innovations.

Undergraduate / 'Not a golf prodigy' -Common App Essay-- Free choice topic about Golf [3]

Hi :) Your essay is very well done! Let me offer a few suggestions.

It can be the most frustrating and the most fulfilling place for a golfer.
You may want to say it like this: "The world of golf can be the most frustrating and the most fulfilling place."

For me, it was where I first felt accomplished when I shot a 3 over par 39 for the first time, but it was also the place where I wanted to crawl up in a ball and cry after I shot a 33 over par 69 the week after.

Maybe say it like this: "The first time I felt accomplished was when I shot a 3 over par 39 for the first time. However, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry after I shot a 33 over par 69 the week after."

I owe so much to the sport of golf, from the patience I have gained to the friendships that have formed. I owe so much to the sport of golf.

I will never be a professional golfer... but the work I have put into my golf game comes back towill benefit me,especially in the way I approach problems, both on the course and off.

Writing Feedback / I want to improve my writing for IELTS exam.Kindly indicate my mistakes in the essay [2]

But, these days there isIn recent years,there is an increase in sales oftrend of prepared and processed food, known as fast food.

There is discussion these days whether traditional food is good or fast food.
Maybe say this: "Some people feel that fast food can be just as good as traditional food, but I disagree."

Firstly, traditional food provide us adequate supply of nutrients.
You could say it like this: "Home made food typically provides us with a healthy and balanced diet."

Whereas, fast food is prepared from processed and pre-cooked ingredients and that's why itcontains less nutrientsthis type of food is not wholesome or nutritious.as compared to traditional food.

Writing Feedback / 'county tournament' - narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience [3]

I can suggest some changes that you may want to make.

My name is Alex Grey.andO ne of themy most monumental achievements induring my academic career so fareducation was in elementary school. WhenI was in 5th grade when my teacher first told me about the school's Academic Games team.

In my mind, s chool had always been a competition,in my mind as I was always trying to be the first one done with my work and get the best grades.out of everyone.I was immediately intrigued w hen i heard there reallytruly was a competition.I was immediately intrigued.

The first set back happened when i found out my teacher told me about the club after the tryouts had already happened.
Can you transition better from the previous paragraph? Lead in to this paragraph with another sentence like: "I experienced many setbacks when I attempted to join the competition."

The next part of this story takes place at the county tournament.
I think that you should just take a look at a description of exactly what a narrative is... I think you are not supposed to tell it exactly like a story, but lay out the events as if it is coming from your internal thoughts and experiences. Usually, include a bit of dialogue and imagery. I think with that in mind, you could revise it a little, to make it sound more like a true narrative.

Undergraduate / Essay about something I think goes unnoticed and why it is important to me-Feedback [3]

However, ask someone what the gold ribbon stands for, and chances are they won't know.

Every September I find myself wondering, where are the gold lids and wristbands? are

I find myself wondering, where is the awareness?is.

While almost everyone knows someone, a celebrity or a loved one, who has had breast cancer, many cannot name a child who has had cancer.

Childhood cancers are the number one disease killer ofcause of children's deaths

As a nation, we tend to turn an blind eye towards children with cancer,
I think that "blind eye" is not quite right here... I know what you mean though...childhood cancer gets somewhat overlooked, or "lost in the shuffle" of the other, more recognized illnesses. Re-word this sentence, if possible. Your essay sounds really good, I think you have done a great job with it. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / <I'm still afraid> - Common App-Journal as topic [2]

The first entries reveal a boy,who doesn't quitenot knowing where he stands going intoas he the big world of high school.

The way it didn't meet up toresult in the sparks that were supposed to fly, and the romance that was supposed to ensue.

The disappointment it had for me.
Re-word this sentence, you are still referring to the kiss, right?

I had been robbed of the single most important thing thatevent to ever happen in my life, at least that's what I wrote.

The hopes I write of, need to lead to action, and in high school it did. I did make friends. I was good enough. The thing that I see most in these entries is that life is cyclical.

This is a great point, I like these things... Can you give the essay a bit more of a positive spin? If you could try to be a bit more inspiring, reveal what lessons you learned, if any. This essay needs more details about you and your personality, and a bit less of the fear stuff, I know that fear is the theme, but it needs to be more purposeful. Sounds good so far, but I'd work with this essay a bit more. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Out of these topics I came up with which has potential for an admissions essay? [2]

Hi :) Out of these 3 topics, I like topic 2 the best. I always encourage people to write something unique, so that it will stand out for the admissions officials, instead of just getting lost in the shuffle. The restoration of a classic car is a very interesting and fresh idea to write about, and you can reveal lots of personality this way! You can use the car as an analogy too! Compare the way you restored your car to the way you improved yourself, throughout life, and you can even mention you hospitalization. Connect these ideas to the qualities you have that would help you do well in school, and in a career. Connect the car project to education by explaining that step by step you built something great, and this is what you intend to do with your career. Speak of your short term and long term goals, show yourself to be a person with a plan. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'uneducated and uninformed Americans' - topic of choice, college. Expiration Dates? [4]

...rather that the bag of chips is no longer at its best quality, and may contain bacteria.
I'm not sure if this is a fact, look up the definition of "expire" because this is the basis of your essay. And usually chips say: "best by" So, in order to use the "expire" theme throughout your paper, you may want to choose a different sort of product, like... cheese, or yogurt perhaps? Because these items definitely have exp. dates but also can be eaten past the date, if the consumer wants to.

Some of your major points, "The only motive I can see for this is money." and, " However, it seems pretty obvious to me that most of these dates are made for months or even years before the product really does become unusable, resulting in the forfeiting of perfectly good food." are made too far along in the paper. If you want to make these points, use one for each paragraph, so write a bit about why the food corp's do this to people, and then make a separate paragraph about how the good food is wasted and that starving people could use that food. There is an interesting documentary, called "Dive" that explores the lifestyle of some people who mainly eat food salvaged from supermarket's dumpsters.

Undergraduate / U of Illinois essay! "past experiences" - for civil engg. Lego. [5]

From our car, I could see the streets reflecting on the meticulously keptcleaned building panels.

Cities in red and blue, cities that I wasmade me feel proud.of.

And now, eleven years later, the awe of my city has developed into nothing but a passion.

I had absolutely no ideawas oblivious of what the job entailed.aspect of it.

I did get an idea however, thanks to an experience with my uncle seeing my Lego city's, which had been carefully preserved by my mother, and him taking me to visit the Roads and Transport Authority (RTA) offices in Dubai, and the Emaar construction sites, which are responsible for prestigious projects such as the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world.

Maybe say it like this: "I learned more about this job field when my uncle, who had seen my Lego cities, took me on a trip. We went to the Roads and Transport Authority (RTA) offices in Dubai, and the Emaar construction sites, which are responsible for prestigious projects such as the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world."

Undergraduate / 'Wrestling and athletics' - College Essay - Issue of importance to you [3]

There is sweat dripping from each other's clothes and soaking into the soft, delicate mat where people's bodies are constantly being slammed.into.

The room is dark, but just lit enough to the point where our teammates can see one another.

In mere moments, the timer hits zero,so that we can all takegiving us a break from the dreadful drills, only to know that in half a minute we will start again, and again.

Many people overlook the sport and only see it through its exterior during tournaments - but, these people fail to recognize what goes into the sport in the interior to become truly successful in it.

Maybe say it like this: "At first glance, wrestling appears to be simply a series of tournaments. When further examined, there are many factors that contribute to successful wrestling."

Another defining quality that a wrestler must possess is the ability to make sacrifices .