Writing Feedback / essay about studying abroad in spain [2]

I enjoyed reading your essay, it was very well thought out and interesting. Here are a few small mistakes or suggestions;

My daily customs are telecasted on MTV in documentary format also known as "reality shows".

Living in another country will give me an opportunity to explore not only a foreign land, but myself as a human being.
... and justice is wholly subjective to their immediate environment and is , therefore, inadequate.

Having a more objective views on life will allow me to have a better appreciation for life.

... allow it to stand hands and knees over other countries in Europe. This doesn't sound right...should it be 'head and shoulders', perhaps?

Spain's vibrant culture will allow me to gro. ...The sentence ends right there.

Going to college it is not just about learning out of the book but also learning through experiences.

Undergraduate / Vanderbilt Summer Program (Science Outreach Program) [7]

There is a technique called 'clustering' that might help you;
Write down the word 'science' in the middle of a page, and circle it. What words does it make you think of? You might think, 'bugs', from when you were a kid, or 'batteries', from when you first wondered how things worked. Circle the words as you go, and if 'bugs' makes you think 'frogs', ...well, here is a link to what I'm talking about;

gabrielerico.com/Main/ClusteringSampleVignettes.htm

I hope it helps you!

Undergraduate / "want the real college experience" - University of Texas SOP Transfer [3]

I want the immeasurable pride that comes from graduating from a school in which I have the utmost confidence. I want to be a UT graduate, but above all, I want to learn.

My previous years were devoted entirely to visual arts. Though I fared quite well in my AP and honors courses,...

It didn't take long for me to realize this school was not right for me.

...I am working my way up to calculus, a class I was too intimidated by to take in high school.

Advertising is an opportunity for me to marry my past experience in design with expanding education in business and economics. ; This is great!!

Instead, scholastic aspirations and ambition are strengthened ...

Undergraduate / Letter of Appeal to University of Florida (I was not approved) [3]

If my application is appealedreconsidered, I will do my best to meet and exceed the expectations required by the students attending your college.

I understand my standardized test scores are only just above the national average and I attribute this to my being home schooled and living in a foreign country as a child.

Going from a student body of 40 to one of 1500 was a difficult transition...

Mission work has always been my passion, and by allowing me the chance to study at your school I believe that not only will I benefit, but that those...

If the problem did not lie with my grades but because of this University's recent cuts to the number of students it admitted, I would not be against changing my application to the Summer 2010 term.

All I can think of to help the ending, is to reflect on what you said in the first paragraph, and ask them to please reconsider your application.

Good luck!!

:)

Scholarship / "criminal justice field" - educational and career goals-7500 character limit [2]

You need raw material that you can turn into original ideas about law enforcement; do some web research.

google these things;

community policing
history of law enforcement
philosophy of law
theory of criminal justice

If you just say you want to protect the community, you sound like you're still thinking like a kid. If you want to sound more adult you have to read some articles and gather some opinions. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Scholarship / Essay about Italian pride -scholarship [2]

Your essay is awesome, and definitely the best I've read of any essays containing the word 'pride'!
I did find a few small things to fix;

I had been playing soccer for as long as I could remember, but this was the first time I really got into the World Cup games.

... I had been rooting for Italy from the beginning.

A few seconds later, Italy shot one into the back of the net and everyone in my family leaped off the couch, screaming for joy!

I heard my brother's voice, "What happened? ...

I heard old stories from my great-uncle about early Italian-American life and I saw all of the humor and liveliness (?) that they still possessed.

I hope that some time within the next four years at college, I will have the opportunity to study abroad in Italy.

There are so many sights in Italy that I can't wait to see, but I'll ...

Undergraduate / Great desire to live abroad; AUBG- Broaden Global Perspecitve [3]

Your essay is coming along great, it's well written and interesting. I found a few small things to correct though;

My interest in math and the economy has been continuously consolidated.

In 2007 I have received an award for high results in the International Kangaroo mathematical competition, and another award for the 3rd place in the Chisinau municipal Olympiad for History.

In 2009 I have received diplomas for high achievements in the Work and Talent Chisinau science conference for both the Physics and Biology sections.

Also in 2009, I was selected to participate in the FLEX grant program, sponsored by the US Department of State.

These being said, I think that AUBG would be my best choice...
... I have been determined to build strong leadership qualities , and I am sure that AUBG will help...

: )

Poetry / Painting colours of love - Poetry Writing [3]

I think your poem is beautiful and sad, and I can hardly think of anything to say because to me, every poem is like a painting that the artist has put his heart into. How could it not be beautiful?

If this were my poem, I might add a color or two, blue (sadness) red (passion), but I'd have to figure out a way to not take away any of the seriousness of the poem. Writing out actual colors might lighten the tone, or mood. Hmm...

There are some spelling mistakes, which I'll fix, and there's one word I would change. See if you notice a different feeling when you get to that part. Here it is;

traces of loneliness
painting sadness that fades
colors of love
longing for the smooth touch
of warm hands'
handsome you stayed far
far away you are yet
close as my breath
drowning me in loneliness
and the desire rising
tinkling all the passion
I have
love so strong and patient
painting
colors of love

So I changed it to, ' far away you are, yet
close AS my breath'
giving it a sad ghostly feel, breath being invisible yet always able to be felt. Right there in your face, you are unable to escape it. Like the sad lonely feeling...Oh, I almost forgot! You must change the word 'tinkling' to something else, um, look up the word 'tinkle'. : )

Your poem is great, I hope you write a lot.

Writing Feedback / Essay-Mommy Makeovers, Newest Trend in Cosmetic Surgery-Feedback Welcome! [4]

My advice is to scrap the first three sentences of your essay or add them in later. If you change the first sentence a little, it would be a more powerful opening statement;

An increasing number of moms are going under the knife for cosmetic surgery every year to have procedures donecommonly that are commonly branded "mommy makeovers". Mommy makeovers are completed by means of a distinctive group of plastic cosmetic surgeries intended to offset the bodily consequences...

After having a baby, moms often complain of having loose skin in addition to stubborn fat in the tummy.

This elongating often results in dreaded stretch marks.

Liposuction aids in removing cellulite plus surplus fat.

This procedure at times is consequently successful that women feel like they are more appealing than even before they had their babies.

One of the most attractive points about the mommy makeover is that multiple procedures are performed...

Undergraduate / "the internet mess" - UT Austin Personal Essay [5]

Well, I thought you did a fine job of answering the prompt. You used examples and kept it interesting. Oh, I did just notice one more thing though;

Now that most households around the world have acquired access to the Internet, encounters like this becamehave become common.

Good luck and have fun in school!

Undergraduate / "larger and profound education" - Why did i choose to apply to ucf? [2]

I'm applying to the University of Central Florida because I feel that I'm ready for a much larger and profound education. If you're going to use the word 'profound' here, you need to add a sentence after this one, telling what you mean by it. "Much larger and profound" doesn't sound right, profounder is a word that sounds as silly as 'stupider', so you'll just have to add a sentence. :)

...skipped eighth grade and enrolled straight into high school, leading to my graduation at the age of sixteen.

After high school, I chose to apply to Broward College for one year because I felt it would be a good transition period before enrolling at a bigger university.

During my research of different Universities, I found the computer science program in the University of Central...

Undergraduate / "the internet mess" - UT Austin Personal Essay [5]

An enormous database with an unprecedented amount of information.

It almost sounds like a lost cause; because the ever-flowing stream of data is very hard, if not impossible, to moderate.

A single word query may return a list containing millions, if not billions of results.

... -and most of the time it does- but users are often forced to seek through painfully long links pages.I changed your sentence a little.

The Internet is fantastic in many respects, and has clearly...

:)

Undergraduate / Oberlin Supplement: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass... [6]

Whether feeling insulted by the abundance of homophobia, distracted by being the only one studying on Thursday nights , and disgusted by the campus dining,...

However, I am done getting wet in a storm that will never pass.

I need to feel inspired by my college environment and surrounded by kids as passionate about life as I am .

It seems like you need a sentence just before this one, leading up to your finding this school. You began a quest, perhaps? ;
That's when I found Oberlin and how it offers small classes, ...

However, it is Oberlin's more personal aspects that caused me to challenge the quote I live by.

Oberlin's eclectic group of students with economic, religious, ethic, and racial diversity will encourage me to show off the quirky, philosophical, and nerdy person I am without hiding behind insecurity and attempts to be "normal."This is great!!

...will also be nourished by seeing parts of the world I have never been to .

Oberlin's unique and diverse academic and social environment suitsme and I will take advantage...

Sometimes change is necessary. Oberlin is where opportunity and success await me and for once, the sun will come out. How would you feel about substituting 'finally' for 'for once'?

:)

Undergraduate / Carnegie Supplement: why major (Electrical and Computer Engineering), goal [4]

The only option for us was to studyall the available operations...

The technique for making specific-order magic squares could be expanded to make general-order ones. I think the word 'ones' here doesn't sound right. What about, "...expanded to make those of general order." (?)

Added to my interest in computers , my love for exploring people's education systems as I tutored at X College made me want to develop an artificial learning process.

I believe that like humans learns from various resources, ...

... level lectures and experiments in which I can apply the knowledge gained from core classes.

I think you should tie this all together by saying something else about magic or Harry Potter! Maybe even a quote from the book that would fit well at the end of this essay? Then you will always have this cool knowledge, or secret, that the magic of Harry Potter helped get you into this school!

:)

Writing Feedback / GRE Argument essay:Finding new jobs for laid-off XYZ company employees [2]

This is looking very strong!

...last year those who used Delany found jobs much more quickly than did those who did not. Recently, it has been ...

Before concluding that it is a mistake...

This is the kind of situation that requires 2 commas:
The author points out that, last year, the laid-off employees found jobs more quickly under the help of Delay.

examined from several perspectives facets

Even if all the laid-off workers have similar levels of competitive strength in seeking jobs, the comparison of the effectiveness of the two personnel firms is not comprehensive.

Undergraduate / Economic field + Volunteering - U of Illinois (Trasfer) [4]

The first one is great, very impressive. It is full of meaning instead of the generalities that usually are in this sort of essay. I found one clunky sentence:

I have already come to realize what my future profession should be: an economic analyst.
An economic analyst is not a profession; it is a professional person. You can write:
I have already come to realize that my future profession should be that of an economic analyst.

Why do people volunteer?

Semi-colon:
The priority for most people living there was day-to-day survival; they seemed to have no opportunity to think beyond that.

Here is an idea:
... so they can change their destinies when they grow up and became the generation leading their society. It was not until this time that I truly understood...

I predict that you are going to be an important person during your life. You are a great writer and thinker.

Writing Feedback / Some people prefer home theater, others cinema at hall, discuss. IELTS GT [3]

I agree with the statement that people are becoming more interested in home theater to watch movies rather than going to cinema hall.

From the increasing popularity of home theater it seems that there might be some convenience in it.

At present, the swift pace of life and hectic schedule...

As a result, it has been quite difficult for people to go to cinema...

Very often we may not get the required number of seats if we desire to get a large number of tickets.

... either sitting or lying or walking around doing something.
For example, dinner can be prepared during the movie.

We can review some more attractive portion of the movie, or can take a break if necessary.

However, we can go to cinema with friends and family members during vacation.

Due to scientific breakthroughs, we are always shifting away from doing things we used to do.

:)

Writing Feedback / Inspiration Essay about a Broadway star [2]

Not many girls get the opportunity to meet the one person who they idolize, and the one person who ...

My biggest inspiration in life, my personal hero, and idol, was Broadway star Shoshana Bean.Let this be the last sentence in the first paragraph, then start a new one.

I was always interested in Broadway and theater; Maybe not as a career...Don't capitalize after semi colon unless it's a proper noun.

Her high belting, riffs, runs, and incredible lyrics are what initially drew me in to her.

I had the opportunity to meet the one person in my life that inspired me the most.

Every single day I think about those words she has said, and the impact they have had on my life.

I know that I will face various things in my life...

Great ending!
:)

Undergraduate / "Ethiopian child didn't have the most orthodox introduction to American culture" [7]

Some of your essay is hard to follow, but you have an interesting writing style which is great! Here are a few things you might fix or change;

In the earlier parts of my formative years, like most children, I was self-centered and oblivious to the world around me.

It was not until the age of fourteen, that I began to dislodge myself from ignorance and egocentricity. I was finally awakening the dormant consciousness which, unbeknownst to me, had been festering from the farms of Addis.Would you elaborate on this? It sounds like something very interesting!

I now seek to inform my discretion and ignorance so that I might be better able to achieve understanding and consequently, derive solutions.
... as an ends in itself and that has also the capability and willingness to implement it as a means to accomplishing a goal.

... the most prudent and effective course not only to enlighten others but also to overcome those obstacles.

Undergraduate / Experiences and circumstances as an international student - Temple University [3]

Your essay is looking good, but here are a few things I found;

Along the path are intimidating loops, but the centripetal force keeps people safely in their seats.

Since I was a little girl, my mother has been the gravity that kept my life on track.
He always encouraged me to find my interests and to improve myself in this new country.

They are the most influen cial people, keeping me happy and optimistic.(What do you think of writing it this way?)

Initially, I was dejected and exhausted because I could not express my words and emotions in a new language.
At one time, I felt as if I were going around the same loop over and over again.

However, I realized that if I didn't try to get out of that loop, I would stay with my problems in there forever

...my friends in church taught me to use English correctly in a different place and made me to step up.

I am really thankful for them for helping to teach me a new language and culture.

Research Papers / 5-Page Research Paper - American History - World War I [2]

Take an example, such as sea warfare. How about like this;

One of these theories, for example, had to do with sea warfare.

One cause that may have triggered America's entrance into World War I was that they were being attacked,..." Who was attacking them?

2. U.S. attacked despite neutrality

Before the United States entered the war, they traded with the Allies. Although they tried to trade with the Triple Alliance, British blockades prevented it.

The telegram and the excessive sea warfare definitely played a part in America going to war, however, there are additional possibilities, if not definite reasons, that leadled the U.S. into war.

5. Due to anti-German sentiment

Connectively, the Zimmerman Telegram was a well-known message, which was used as propaganda.I don't think connectively is a word.

6. Militarism

There is one more highly plausible reason pertaining to why the United States may have entered the war - Militarism. By this time, America's capabilities concerning war were great, so perhaps it...

... entering the war, because America may have subconsciously ...This sounds a little funny.

7. Conclusion

They were partially influenced by the Germans to enter the war, although they were also influenced by the possibility of economic collapse .

Graduate / PhD SOP Pharmaceutics (Research is not an 8-16 job) [3]

They'll know how passionate you are for your studies by this great, heartfelt essay! Here are a few things I found though;

I am interested in being a part of Professor XXX's work because of his recognized expertise...

My interest in research in pharmaceutical technology arose during my master's thesis titled "XXX" in which I developed a ...

This new approach will lead to a quality improvement of the coated pellets in the coating process and become a part of PAT implementation.

...has a broad application and is not limited to, for example, treatment of only one kind of disease.

I am completely aware of that getting a Ph.D. is not exactly...

... and am prepared to work hard and methodically to achieve our common goals.

I will be the first one coming to lab at the morning, and the last to go home in the evening.

"I feel a driving force pushing me to explore and learn new things. I am by nature a curious person with a creative mind. Being able to identify patterns and relationships that are not obvious to others is perhaps my greatest strength." This is great!!

I can assure you that I have the qualities ...

I hope you will make a favorable decision regarding my admission to the Ph.D. program.

:)

Writing Feedback / Argu: discuss disad./ad. business and cultral contact bt countries,&your opinion [3]

an intensive discussion on whether it is a positive development or a negative one.

Undoubtedly, there is a series of benefits we could gain from the global communication and cooperation.

For example, we could improve our technology and facilities by introducing newly developed technology and facilities from other countries.

We have learned from history that the underdeveloped countries will be under the control of developed countries, while the open policy for a country no question is the most effective approach to enhance its strength.

There numerous examples to certify the advantages of keeping contact with the other countries.

The most obvious example is that spread of "yellow cultures", it is not difficult for us to know the serious influences, especially on teenagers.I have no idea what this means, "yellow cultures". Could you clarify this please?

Graduate / Discuss two examples that demonstrate your potential as a successful leader? [4]

I can think of several examples which demonstrate my success as such as being the public relations director of the Rochester Institute of Technology (RIT) Golden Key Honor's Society chapter or the convener of the Student Action Committee back home in Lahore.

I feel though that the two best examples which demonstrate my potential as a successful leader come whilst I wasfrom my time working for ANAA (Asian American Network Against Abuse of Human Rights).

...cities across Pakistan, who acted as coordinators for their local ANAA chapters.

My task was to ensure that all of these volunteers, as members of ANAA, effectively ran and managed the local chapters, which ...

As part of this position, I was also been responsible for coordinating, on a national level, various projects that ANAA runs in Pakistan around issues of social relevance.

One such project, which I initiated, aimed at creating awareness about HIV/AIDS in the Pakistani youth,...

...of other Organizations to exchange students for internships ... This needs to be clarified, as it seems to say you are exchanging students for internships!!

:)

Undergraduate / "to advance my efforts and acquire my law degree" -Law School Personal Statement [2]

This cannot be happening to me, so I thought. I needed the pay increase plus I was more than capable of performing the job tasks. ...

...and I started metabolizing the news as a challenge . I really like this!

So, the job hunt began .

Six months into my new career I was doing well, working hard and learning the essence of technology at a fast pace.

... further self reflection has revealed that my true passion and where my destiny truly lie are not being fulfilled.

I couldn't believe this was how he felt, a fifteen year old that had his entire life to look forward too, but he preferred to be in jail.

Many live in crime invested communities where drugs and gangs plague the streets.

Most of the boys and girls clubs that I was familiar with growing up have all vanished, leaving no alternative activities or programs for the youth.

... working with the teen awareness program, and also with in work as a youth leader at my church.

Scholarship / Coming up with ideas for diversity essay prompts (personal interest, diversity) [4]

I think the easiest way to stand out and be unique is to write what you are most passionate about. The essays by people who are born in other countries are always interesting to me, but if you also ride a unicycle or play the ukulele it's even better!

"For the other essay I was going to stick to the different point of view thing, and talk about how "I'd spend the year traveling and working in different places and how much I would love learning about different cultures."

It's true that a lot of students do write that, but if you add something like,.."but whatever I end up doing, I know that I'll be spending some of my time",... learning French, studying the tsetse fly, it will make your essay personal and more interesting.

Good luck!
:)

Writing Feedback / Politicians and scientists have the greatest influence on earth.discuss IELTS GT [4]

There have been immense advances in most aspects of peoples lives by the scientifically breakthroughs .

Meanwhile, politicians are playing major roles to establish peace on the earth.

This is obviously true, but the argument is about whose influence is the strongest among way of lives of people in the world.

Definitely, many types of professionals play some important roles in the growth of the society, either actively or passively.

In this way, these professionals have a big impact on the society, whereas consequences of the activities of scientists and politicians are prompt and direct.

In the case of politicians, they have got the power to influencelarge numbers of people through speeches, expressing their future plans, views, and motto's.

This sentence is very confusing;
Even both of these practiced can keep much negative effect on the society by their negative perspective in doing things.
I think I know what you are saying, but you should make your meaning clearer.

To recapitulate, I am convinced that politicians and scientists...

Research Papers / The insurgency of the EZLN (IB History Internal Assessment) [3]

Congratulations! Even though this thing is so long, the writing is so sleek and efficient that I can't find any superfluous material to cross out!

I'm glad it's you instead of me that has to kill 140 words. The thing to do here is make a strategic sacrifice. Chop a whole paragraph. When you chop it, you can save it's soul by referring to it in passing during a different paragraph. Sometimes you just have to kill a paragraph.

But do you know what I mean about including a passing reference that touches on what the chopped paragraph covered? That will make it so that the paper still is packed with the same amount of info, but even more densely packed with it.

I can't find any grammar errors, either, but I challenge other essay forum members to try to find some!

Undergraduate / NY City, area of interest, NYU-Poly - essay prompts, kindly review [2]

Ever s Since I was a kid, I've been interested in both engineering and medicine.

The field of medicine is a vast and interesting field that incorporates knowledge and inquisition...(not the right word you want here)

As a kid, I looked at different toys and observed how the same idea could be interpreted and executed differently by engineers. This needs some elaboration, as it is not clear, what you are saying.

Scholarship / hispanic college fund essay; arrived in the US and seeing hope [6]

When I first arrived in the United States , we lived in a hotel and hardly had enough money to buy food.
I did not understand the language and we had to walk in the 100° degree weather .

Instead, all my family and I saw was hope, something that we had not felt in a long time.

I soon began to see that not knowing English was an adventure instead of a disadvantage.

Even if there are ups and downs and there are always obstacles trying to defeat us, I know hundreds...

Not only those across the border, but even those 15 minutes away from where I live.

I appreciate all that has been offered to me and realize that there are many more roads to be explored.

I will use my love for education to someday work in the Dental profession.

Graduate / Essay for MBA school : How to write the fittest context & structure in my essay [2]

In the next few years, I would like to seek a position as Head of Treasury Division at Bank BRI at which the main job is closely related to management of liquidity, gapping Asset and Liability, balancing of bank margin, and optimizing idle of liquidity.

I have acknowledgedbelieve that the treasury is the heart of the bank.

In this case, thebank will rely on the treasury to access the money market.

To help me achieve this goal, my educational background and work experience are essential points. I received my bachelor degree in Economy majoring in Accounting from Airlangga University. I learnt many things about accounting and finance and since then I decided to pursue a career that is closely related to my educational background.

After more than 10 years in BRI, I have extensive experiences in various aspects of the banking businesses such as lending ...

An effective banking manager in the 21st century must be...

Undergraduate / Essay for UW Madison (just describing a story, not a resume :) [3]

However, I am positive few can state having had that kind of diverse experience like me.

I was glad to be among the first international students initiated by Alpha Phi sorority in this campus in my freshman year.

I will definitely continue attending sorority at Madison and paying more attention to serving people.

Our target population was 75 but actually more than 150 people...

My only job experience at US is as a resident hall front desk clerk.

I flew to Germany and ...

When back in China, I started to translate the whole user manual ...

When I came back to school, I had a better-defined goals for my studies and career.

I am determined to be a versatile person through college education.

From then on, studying at US had taken root in my heart.

Undergraduate / Penn State -- yourself, your experiences, or activities [6]

I moved to California from Nigeria two years ago, convinced and determined to succeed. While I was in Nigeria I was an indifferent student just another student, and one of the crowd. Now I realize the importance of standing out from the crowd. I am tremendously motivated to succeed as a petroleum engineer.

Since I moved to California and started College, I have met lots of inspiring people...
With these experiences came a sense of responsibility and confidence.

Undergraduate / Life is short and my ambitions are many-Transfer-Personal statement [7]

It will be more poignant if you use names of people in your chosen field, instead of Einstein and M.L.K.jr. Aside from that, the essay is fine!

:)

Undergraduate / UT Psychology transfer. Statement of Purpose. Human Interaction [3]

I think your essay would be better if you start with paragraph two, then three, then use your first paragraph for the ending. Read it through that way and see what you think.

It is my desire to attend and graduate from a university noted for excellence. Having made the transition ...

Everyone faces adversities throughout their lifetime, but it is what we learn from these instances that shape our character...

As a long time resident of the state of Texas I have come to admire and respect the quality of the education available at the University of Texas...

... I have come to understand and appreciate the greater demands and higher expectations of renowned universities.
I have an ability to find a common bond with any person that I speak to, no matter how brief our conversation.

Graduate / Essay for Masters of Accounting Program [3]

I had worked at a job that offered very little room for advancement for a few years, before it became clear to me that it was time for a new challenge. I changed your sentence a little bit to make it flow better.

Also during my time there, we switched from tape to file-based playback, and I found...

I've uncovered a passionate desire for learning that I never really had as an undergrad,...

... in my prerequisite courses and throughout my life, as well as my...

I think you should definitely include at least your A+ in the prerequisite classes!

Good luck in school!
;^)

Undergraduate / Life is short and my ambitions are many-Transfer-Personal statement [7]

You give no reason as to why you could not become an interpreter at the other school.

I believe discrimination and hatred are caused by the lack of understanding between people, which is brought on mainly by the secular priesthood of every country.This sentence does not belong in your essay, as it has nothing to do with what you want to convey, which is your reason for transferring.

In the last paragraph, you should at least mention something about the school you wish to transfer to and why they are better than your current school. What do they have to offer?

Essays / I need help with writing a thesis statement about my own business in fashion [2]

It depends on what kind of essay you're supposed to write. Are you writing a persuasive essay, a descriptive essay, an argumentative essay, etc? You might trying to describe the shop, or persuade someone to get involved, or argue about the potential for profit at this particular location.

Put your thesis statement at the end of your first paragraph.

Let's assume you are writing a descriptive essay. You might have one paragraph about the money necessary to start the business, another paragraph about the theme for the shop, and another about the way the shop will be set up.

Kevin uses this equation:
One paragraph = one idea

When you have written all the paragraphs, each paragraph elaborating on a topic sentence that begins the paragraph, go back and write the intro paragraph with a thesis statement at the end.

After you have written all the body paragraphs, you will be able to know what the main idea of the WHOLE essay is. Make that the thesis statement.

If it is a descriptive essay, the thesis statement might tell the reader about the unique theme for your shop.

Poetry / Poetry on Parents and Immigration [4]

Oh, this is a powerful poem, I just read it three times! It seems odd to critique a poem, it feels like telling an artist they should have used some other color. Here are a few places where I thought it could be stronger if it were tweaked ever so slightly;

and cried whether I had asked to be born...what about something more dramatic, like; and cried I never asked to be born

To his surprise, the beast cried...how do you feel about, "to my surprise..."?

I hope you write a lot of poetry, as you're quite good at it.

:)

Undergraduate / fascinated by psychology: "reasons for transfering and the objectives...." ComAp [5]

I was a sensitive kid. Adults fondly teased that I was... I changed this to a period, seeing 'adults' was capitalized.

I was awed and humbled by the fact that this ability...This seems to make the sentence flow better.

In 2002, I began to work for multiple medical clinics in the area. In my line of work,...What was your job there?

...clinics for six years taught me to be disciplined and to manage my time efficiently.

My experiences in the workforce have taught me the importance of hard work and having clear priorities.

I believe that the insights I have gained through living with a loved one suffering...