Essays / Creating an introduction and thesis - genetic engineering hazards essay [9]

You should probably put your definition of genetic engineering right near the beginning of your introduction. It is always a good idea to define your key terms as soon as possible. After all, how can you introduce your thesis, and say that genetic engineering is hazardous, if you haven't even established what you mean by genetic engineering? You should probably also include a definition of hazardous, as well, so that there is no confusion about what you plan to argue in your essay.

Grammar, Usage / Referencing question concerning Harvard Referencing style [6]

Allow me to quote from wikipedia: "The Harvard style is the most commonly-used style of referencing worldwide. Unfortunately, it is not 'owned' by any institution or organisation, so no authority sets the rules. This means they have been interpreted slightly differently by different institutions." So, you can go online and run a Google search to find out some of the most common Harvard styles, and simply follow that format, but you still might be wrong. The only way you can be absolutely sure you are using the Harvard variation that your professor expects is to ask your professor, or some one else at your university, what version your institution employs.

Speeches / Persuasive Speech: Schizophrenia and Suicide [4]

It sounds like an excellent topic to me -- it's a bit different from the usual run-of-the-mill topics that people normally choose to talk about, you have personal experience with the topic, and so can speak passionately about it, and your subject matter means that the speech will be meant to actually do some real good. As for the scope, maybe you could narrow it down by focusing on only one or two aspects of schizophrenia. As I understand it, schizophrenia is sort of a catch-all term that covers an awful lot of symptoms and conditions. At the same time, even given its already broad scope, it is rarely found alone. Major depression, for instance, while not considered a symptom of schizophrenia itself, often occurs as a comorbid condition. Or, maybe you could focus exclusively on the appropriateness of your state's mental health law, and use your own experiences as anecdotes to prove your points, without getting into a lengthy discussion of schizophrenia specifically. Whatever you decide, good luck coming up with a first draft of your speech.

Writing Feedback / Economic paper: the role of opportunity cost in financial decision making [5]

Like Kevin, I can only guess at your meaning, as a result of unfamiliarity with the subject matter combined with your own propensity for ignoring the rules of English grammar. Here is one possible revision, though:

Opportunities cost is the price one will have to pay in the future when making decisions among various alternative courses of action. Although it would be ideal to pursue all opportunities if one had unlimited resources, this is unrealistic. In real life, market demand is the key factor that helps management decide which is the best plan to implement. Additional cost-benefit analysis should also be carried out. For example, imagine that a company has two major product lines: Playstation games and women's magazines; due to the economic crisis, the company needs to cut back on production of one of these products. Livingstone (2007) writes that "effective management decisions require careful comparison of costs and benefits of alternative action". As a result, the company would conduct research to find out which alternative they should pursue. For instance, research might reveal that Playstation games have higher growth potential and lower production cost compared to the magazines. Thus, cutting the magazine line would be the better production outcome and reduce unnecessary use of resources.

Undergraduate / Gambia to Georgia -- entrepreneur in the resturaunt business. [5]

Definitely go with the first person, unless you have been specifically instructed to do otherwise. You might want to connect up some of your sentences and use some transitions to get rid of the point-form feel your essay now has. Beyond that, it seems to be shaping up nicely, though, as Tyler said, it would be nice to have more background in order to give you better advice.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay on How High School Sports Influenced you [8]

You need to vary your sentence length and structure. At the moment, every sentence is roughly as long as every other sentence, and uses pretty much the same construction. This makes your essay monotonous. In fact, my attention began to wander halfway through your first paragraph, and I stopped reading altogether after the first few sentences of your second. Try combining some of your sentences, as well as using a variety of different punctuation marks -- dashes are good, as are semi-colons and parenthesis (though you shouldn't overuse them). There's not much point in having good content and decent grammar if you adopt a soporific style that causes the reader to tune out part way through.

Writing Feedback / Advertisers, affecting our childs thought process [9]

Overall this is a really well constructed essay. I wonder, though, if you might make a bit stronger if you conclude by suggesting a more specific solution. You say its up to the parents to act like, well, parents, but then you talk about giving them legal rights to stand up to the corporations (couldn't they do this by just unplugging the television, or refusing to pay for cable?). So, what sort of rights did you have in mind, exactly? For that matter, what specific actions should parents take to limit their children's exposure to advertising?

Essays / Understanding How Children Learn, critical reflection [3]

It would make a great deal more sense if you were being asked to think about how your teaching reflected what you had learned from your research, rather than vice versa. Assuming that is actually the case, the section shouldn't be too difficult to start. Even if you didn't really alter your teaching practices that much (or at all) based on the research you did, you can presumably see how you could alter your practices to reflect the principles you were learning about, or how existing practices already incorporated those principles. So, start with that.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay, goals for myself in the future [9]

"The goals that I have set for myself in the future are to move to New York, graduate from the New York Film Academy with an associate screenplay writing degree, and to start my career as a professional screenplay writer." For this sentence, you need either three "to"s or none.

Hmmmm . . . that's all I could find to correct. I think a life of taking writing courses and preparing to be a professional writer has paid off for you. Good luck.

Writing Feedback / The individuality, use of machines and traveling for pleasure - essay [7]

I think what Kevin is trying to say is that, in your first body paragraph (the one that should be about individuality, according to your intro) you actually discuss something a bit different. You say that we can elect our leaders and make our own decisions. You also say that "As a consequence, an ordinary individual has more value now than the past." However, only one of these points, making our own decisions, really has anything to do with individuality, and, given how little you say about it, even that doesn't connect particularly well. We elect our leaders, but we might do so based on shared popular opinions without critically analyzing the issues. We make our own decisions, but might all decide to wear the same clothes and eat at the same restaurants (archaeologists 1000 years from now will conclude we worship under the sign of the Golden Arches) We value the lives of each individual, but we might expect them to conform to more norms, precisely in order to minimize the risks they can take (no smoking, no drugs, more gun control, etc.) So, all of the points you make can be true without necessarily indicating an increase in individuality, i.e. a great deal of meaningful personal diversity among individuals. Empowerment is a better word, although you should still probably expand on your points if you want your paragraph to be convincing.

Writing Feedback / Apprenticeship Program Aplication [5]

Your responses are very well-written. The most obvious way you could improve would be to add some specific anecdotes to prove your points. So, for 2, you say "I am an empathetic and passionate person. This allows me to see many sides to each situation and to try and find common ground to start from." Can you show the reader how this is true by recounting a situation in which your empathy allowed you to help others find common ground? Likewise, for 3, you say that "I am patient and willing to listen to all ideas while brainstorming to try and come up with the best solution to a new project or problem. I can also step up and lead a discussion or project when the time comes." Again, if you could show the truth of this, perhaps by drawing on a specific experience you had as a karate instructor, for example, your response would become even stronger than it already is.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: movies - serious or amusing? [11]

Challenging the question is not generally viewed as going off-topic, because you are still responding to the prompt. Essentially, your response is "wait a minute, I disagree with the way you have phrased the question." This always used to be considered a good way to answer a prompt if you could think of a sensible way to do it, because it showed that you were thinking critically. Maybe critical thinking is less valued, nowadays, though. In any event, You could get around the issue by taking Kevin's advice, and renaming "entertaining movies" as "non-serious." I think what you really mean are movies that constitute mindless drivel with no redeeming qualities aimed at the lowest common denominator. Or American humor, as it is sometimes called :-). That wasn't just a cheap shot at American tastes from the resident Canadian, btw. American humor tends to be physical, slapstick, often scatological, and generally, crude. It is the sort of humor that would amuse a six-year old as easily, or even more easily than it would an adult. British humor, in contrast, tends to involve word play and wit. Compare Blackadder to Mr. Bean. I've never met anyone who likes both, even though they feature the same actor. The first is the epitome of the British approach (at least after the first season), whereas the second is wholly American.

Writing Feedback / Something That Changed Me - Becoming a Bully [13]

Is it six? I thought it was only two per thread? If it is six, I concede your point -- a student who needs feedback within a few hours isn't going to take the time to make six thoughtful comments (though it would be nice if he did) before getting his draft available for viewing. Even a student in a rush should be able to manage two relatively constructive posts, though.

Essays / The best way of adding depth to an essay [9]

What type of essay? A research essay? Do more research. An argumentative essay? Deal with the opposing side of the issue, rather than just presenting your own arguments. You can literally go argument, counter argument, counter counter argument, and so on, in layers, until you have added as much depth as you'd like to your essay. An analytical essay? Ask yourself questions about things you have said in your analysis. Go back and look at things that did quite satisfy you and ask why the point you were making seemed a bit off.

If you provide more information about what sort of essay you want to write, and possibly what sort of topic you are planning to deal with, we could help you more easily. If you have a draft done, so much the better -- post it here and you'll get all sorts of feedback.

Writing Feedback / SAT essay: Are people's lives the result of the choices they make? [4]

Opening your essay with a metaphor is a great idea. In fact, it is such a great idea that I hesitate to say anything critical about it, for fear of discouraging you. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that the metaphor you have chosen works that well. If our lives are a blank canvas, then who or what paints on them? You can say that we do, but then that creates the impression that we are somehow separate from our lives, which seems odd. Perhaps you could elaborate on the metaphor, extend it so that it covers more ground. If you do this, think about what the equivalent of genetic predispositions, socioeconomic variables, and unchosen environmental factors would be -- the colors available on the palette? the material of the canvas?

"it is our own will that actually shapes our own style of living."

Your first example is fictional. That is, you are referring to people who never actually existed. As a result, it is probably a bad idea to use them to try to demonstrate a point about the way real people act. Could you think of a real life example to draw on, here.

Your second example is not entirely convincing. Your mother made a decision to become a doctor, but what influenced her decision? A desire for money and fame? Then why not head to Hollywood? Somewhere she got the idea that being a doctor was what she was supposed to do, maybe from her parents? So, external influences presumably shaped her decision. Otherwise, why would she stick with being a doctor for 20 years if she really viewed it as "torture?" You might be able to make this example work, but you will need to go into more detail to do so.

Book Reports / Lord of the Flies essay: characters, concerns and language of the novel [5]

You seem to be on the right track, here. Was your thesis given to you by your teacher, or can you modify it a bit. At the moment, it is a bit vague and really too broad to allow you to write a really focused, effective essay, but if your teacher provide it, you obviously can't do much about that. Otherwise, try refining it to say something specific about what Golding is trying to say about civilization versus savagery.

In fact, even if you can't change the thesis, you should still try to go into a bit more depth in your analysis of the theme. It is certainly true that Ralph represents civilized human nature, and Jack represents savage human nature, and they are undeniably opposed. But why then is Jack "the obvious leader" instead of Ralph? Likewise, you say "This quotation shows that Jack once again is thinking for survival as he says you 'can't eat them' which shows he resembles savagery" Is it really savage to think of survival when stranded on a desert island? And how many civilizations have lasted once their food supply ran out? That is, isn't a stable food supply the very basis of civilization? What then does this imply about the relationship between Ralph and Jack? Also, Piggy represent the intellect, according to you. But Ralph and Jack are also both intelligent, though less academic about it. Perhaps some Freudian psychology would be appropriate here? Piggy as superego, Ralph as ego, Jack as id. This would create a stronger framework, one that would go a long way towards allowing you to answer some of the earlier questions I posed.

Good luck on your second draft.

Writing Feedback / 'Schools are nestles of education' - Essay on Violence in schools. [13]

You may want to consider adding more to your essay in order to more clearly connect your points back to the idea that violence is a problem in schools. The notion that a violent media desensitizes us to violence is an old one, but if it is true, it must surely affect all of us, as a society, not just students. So, schools should not be any more violent than society at large, if the media is to blame. But violent crime rates have been generally declining in North America (not counting Mexico). Have rates of school violence also been going down? But then, violence in schools wouldn't be the problem you claim it is. And if rates have been constant or increasing, then some other culprit other than the media must be to blame. Or is there a reason why the effects of media might be more pronounced among the student population than among the general population? Likewise, you are quite right when you say that most abusers learn their abusive behavior at home. So, a boy who watches his father beating his mother may well grow up to be an abusive husband himself. However, what does that have to do with violence in schools?

Part of the problem is that your essay seems to lack research. You present no statistics on school violence, media portrayals of violence, bullies with abusive backgrounds, etc. As a result, a lot of what you say seems to be little more than baseless assertions. If you want to strengthen your essay, read up on the topic you are writing on, then add citations from formal studies to back up your claims.

Undergraduate / UCF admission essay (why did I choose to apply and family influence) [4]

Well, you've got the right tone for the first one. Unfortunately, I could substitute another university's name for UCF, and it would still work, without any additional editing. So, to improve, you need to add specific details that only apply to UCF, to show how much you appreciate that unique institution.

The second one suffers from much the same problem. It is well-written enough, but, apart from the immigrating from Columbia part, it could have been written by at least half of the people applying Use personal anecdotes and specific details to make yourself stand out from the crowd.

Poetry / Destined - a poem [10]

This seems to be mainly a free verse poem. This makes it very difficult to critique in any meaningful way. If you were attempting to work in a particular meter, or a set rhyme scheme, or to develop a theme using specific poetic devices, such as anaphora, chiasmus, consonance, assonance, alliteration, etc., then I could tell you whether or not your use of these techniques was effective. As it is, you have some decent imagery, a few rhetorical questions, a couple of metaphors, which are all appropriate for this sort of poem. If you want to make it more truly poetic, I'd revise for meter. A lot of what you have written is iambic, either reflecting a deliberate metrical choice on your part or else a natural sense of rhythm. From the construction of the poem, I'm guessing the latter. Since you have a poem that consists of mostly unrhymed iambs anyway, perhaps you could rewrite it as blank verse. That wouldn't require too much effort, and might yield significant improvement.

Essays / problem-solution essay (domestic or international problem) [4]

Kevin is right, narrowing down your topic might make the assignment more manageable. In addition to picking a specific country, maybe you can look at a single poverty-related issue in that country, rather than trying to discuss poverty in general. So, you might look at the issue of overpopulation, how people so poor they can barely feed themselves are having more kids, on average, than people living in the more affluent areas of the world, because they view the kids as the equivalent of a retirement fund. Or you could look issues of malnutrition, or disease, or political instability, or lack of access to education. Each of these problems relates to an effect and/or cause of poverty, and so is on-topic. And each has a variety of solutions you could discuss. So, for instance, to fight malnutrition, Africans could plant GE crops with extra vitamins, or aid programs could be established to provide Africans with a more varied diet. Neither of these solutions would end poverty in Africa itself, but either might alleviate one of poverty's symptoms.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: movies - serious or amusing? [11]

"Recently there is a hot and essential controversy concerning on the argument that which one do you prefer, the serious movies or the entertainment movies." Um . . . hot and essentially controversy? Really? Avoid this sort of hyperbole. It's just silly.

"they assume that, according to the serious movies which obtain meaningful philosophy, we will understand the meaning of life" Again, this is clearly exaggeration. People might go to thought-provoking movies because they enjoy being made to think differently about the world, but no one seriously expects a movie to help people understand the meaning of life.

"According to recent survey, the child who watched the serious movies at their childhood are more logical and skillful than other child who did not" Did you make this up?

Hmmmm . . . before revising this for grammar, I would suggest rewriting it for content. Instead of trying to make the topic sound exciting by making extravagant claims, maybe you could take a genuinely interesting approach by challenging the question. Can movies be both thought-provoking and entertaining? Must amusement be mindless, or is exercising the mind a form of amusement in its own right?

Research Papers / What is a Research Paper? [3]

A research paper is generally exactly what you would expect it to be, a paper that summarizes and evaluates the research available on a given topic. So, you would start by reading all the material you can find on the topic you are researching. If the topic isn't particularly controversial, then you are merely collecting and organizing facts. If you were writing about the life cycle of the piranha, for instance, you would simply have to read several sources that described the fish and then write up what you had learned in your own words, with some citations thrown in to back up your points. If the topic is controversial, though, you would have to do a bit more work. If you were writing about the effectiveness of gun control laws, for instance, you would cite research backing up various points of view, then evaluate the research to come to your own conclusion about how effective gun control was at reducing crime. This might involve looking at who funded various studies, what methodology they used, how they defined crime, what sorts of gun control they analyzed, what sort of control, if any, was present, etc.

Essays / Need assistance finding academic journals on 'operating systems' [3]

Here is something that might work. Go to Google Scholar, and do a search for "Linux." Then try doing the same thing for "Windows XP," and "Mac OS." This will give you a series of computer science related articles, most from academic journals. A lot of them might not be useful in the sort of comparative essay you are writing, but if you only need three, you should be able to find three that you could work into your paper if you really try.

Writing Feedback / Definition Essay: Building the Blocks, Becoming Successful (The Climb) [3]

Hmmmm . . . I'm not sure that this works as a definition essay. You list the etymology of the word, then talk about qualities that can make a person successful, then give some examples of people who succeeded. So, you are sort of on-topic. But, a definition essay should, well, define more than your essay does.

There is a famous quote that might help you think about the ways in which success can be defined. Thomas Edison was once criticized by a rival for wasting his time in his efforts to create an effective light bulb. "Why do you keep pursuing this foolish dream," his rival said, "when you have already failed in your attempt over 2000 times?" To which Edison replied "I have not failed over 2000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in discovering over 2000 designs for a light bulb that won't work."

What does Edison's comment reveal about the way he defined success? How did his definition differ from that of his rival? Just something to get you thinking along the right lines.

Writing Feedback / Something That Changed Me - Becoming a Bully [13]

The point of that requirement is to ensure that everyone is participating and leaving constructive criticism. just before you post a comment to unlock the ability to create a new thread, imagine reading a similar comment posted by someone else about your own work. Then ask yourself if you would find the comment helpful, or if you would disappointed at the sort of feedback you were getting. In other words, post comments to help others as you would have them post comments to help you. A variation of a well known golden rule.

Letters / Appeal letter - Goals, Good Intentions, Seeking Reevaluation [7]

"I want to take advantage of my potential to have an intimate relationship with knowledge, challenge myself to the vast opportunities that you offer, enhancing the awareness and leadership of the world and community, and receiving the opportunity to be under the guidance of the knowledgeable and accomplished professors." Revise for parallel structure.

"All my past experiences, the economy's current state, and in addition rejection from all the UCs I applied to has opened my eyes and mind and matured me as a person and helped me realize the importance of education as well as imprinting life-long lessons." The three items you list here seem unrelated. Also, you need to revise for parallel structure, as in the above case. If you don't know what parallel structure is, or how to revise for it, Google the term.

Overall, a very honest and moving essay. Good job. You might want to go through and eliminate the reference to games, though. The stress you were under because of your family situation is enough on its own to explain a prior record of poor academic performance. While games can be very addictive (as numerous studies have shown), they still aren't taken that seriously as problem by many. So, mentioning them might detract from the gravity of the rest of the material you describe.

Writing Feedback / Political Allegory [3]

As you rework this essay, think about how you can move, as you progress from the introduction to the conclusion, from a focus on the novel as an allegory about Russian politics to a focus on the novel as an allegory for all revolutionary politics. Why does the revolution fail? Is it really just because Napoleon wanted power? Don't all revolutionary leaders want to seize power? Does this mean that no revolution can ever be successful? And why don't the animals rise up against Napoleon? Sure, he uses propaganda, but the animals can tell that things are going wrong. Why don't they do anything? Who or what does Boxer represent?

There are many other things you could consider, but the above questions should get you thinking along the right lines.

Writing Feedback / Pushed to hard work-----a positive or negative development? [4]

"There is almost complete consensus regarding the common sense which hardworking contributes to a happy life." You are saying here that hard work builds common sense, and that this common sense in turn builds a happy life. Is that what you were trying to say? Of did you mean that common sense tells us that hard work is necessary to achieve a happy life?

"whether they go to university or struggle to make a living"

Hmmm . . . your essay from this point on argues that the pressure on students is a bad thing. However, this seems to have nothing to do with the fact that the students have to work hard. Rather, the pressure is negative for various other reasons. Could you revise the essay so that you are better dealing with both halves of the the prompt? Or maybe simply so that you are ignoring one half altogether. You could just rewrite the introduction to ignore the idea of hard work. At the moment, though, your introduction doesn't really seem to connect to the rest of your essay.

Essays / Convincing my professor that I understand: Structure of Writing [5]

You are often to a good start. Now, how do you intend to prove your point? Can you come up with a thesis related to the goals you need to demonstrate (beyond just asserting that you have mastered them)? Perhaps even something that would call for a bit of research, just so you can included an example or two of APA citation? Try to come up with a clever approach that goes further than merely listing the requirements you are supposed to meet and claiming that you have met them. This will make your essay stand out from all the others the professor is going to have to slog through, improving your chances of getting an A.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: lessons with teachers versus others sources [8]

Kirin's advice is excellent. Start out with your own stance, a thesis as it were, and then list three reasons why you believe your thesis to be true. So, come up with three reasons why people learn more from professors rather than from other sources. You might ask yourself why classes even have professors. After all, most classes involve reading set texts listed on a syllabus. So, why couldn't a student simply skip classes and keep up with the readings on his or her own time? (Hint: some students do just this, especially if there is no attendance mark for a class. Have these students learned to beat the system, or are they missing something important in terms of their education? If the latter, what exactly are they missing?) Good luck with your second draft.

Essays / Creative essay about New Zealand [5]

I have no idea. If you want to know what types of essays usually win, look up the essays of previous years' winner and read them. If I had to guess, though, I'd say they are looking for essays that are very well-written stylistically and that show depth and thoughtfulness in the treatment of the subject matter. Anyone can throw together a bunch of facts about New Zealand picked up from the Internet. What you need to do is to find a way to personalize this information, or to make connections between facts using critical thinking skills, or, even better, to do both at the same time.

Research Papers / Help with narrowing down research question and thesis [5]

"Online classrooms allow students to learn through a limited screen and only see teachings one dimensionally. Learning is a social behavior and limiting it to a screen deprives the students of the complexity of social interactions."

If you just plan to discuss these points, then no, you probably can't stretch this to 10 pages. If, before dealing with these points, you were to address some of the obvious arguments in favor of online classrooms, you'd probably be okay. So, imagine as you write the paper that you have someone standing over your shoulder reading your paper who is absolutely convinced that online classrooms are better than traditional ones. Try to imagine what comments this person would make as you were writing, then how you would respond to them. That's the way to forge a convincing case. How would you respond, for instance, to the following:

Online classrooms are great because they massively cut down on the potential for bullying or distracting behaviors.

Online classrooms also allow even shy students to participate in class discussions without fear.

Online lessons also provide transcripts that students can review on their own time, at their own pace. They never have to miss anything because they are struggling to keep up.

Anyone who isn't already on your side (and many who are) will probably think of these things as they read your paper, so if your paper just ignores them, it will be unsatisfying and unconvincing. You have to explain why these points are invalid, or, if you admit that they are valid, why the cons of online classrooms outweigh these pros.

Essays / Discovery of the "New World" [15]

Your introduction is decent. However, you say that the discovery of the New World had both positive and negative aspects, then proceed to list only the negatives, which ends up sounding a bit odd.


This is an argument you are going to have to deal with. You obviously will want to claim that this isn't the case, but at some point in your essay you will have to explain why it isn't. You are on the right track, so far, though. Write some more so we can see how your essay will develop.

Grammar, Usage / How to Run a Debate in English, rather than Malay. [6]

I've never really participated in a formal debate, but I understand that the format usually involves a person on one team speaking for a set amount of time, then a person for the other team speaking, and so on, back and forth, until everyone has had their say. If you want more specific details, go to wikipedia and search for "Debate." That should give you a page that gives you an overview of most of the mainstream debate forms.

Research Papers / Pride and Prejudice Research Paper [3]

Advice: Write up your draft, then post it here.

Really, that is all I can tell you. You have a thesis, and three main points to back it up with. That's good. It is difficult to say more than that until I can see how you work your arguments out. Sorry.

Writing Feedback / It's with God's miracle that human miracles are innovate; Human Mind vs. the Computer [8]


I'm not getting angry. You asked me what grade I would give you, and why. I answered your questions, that's all.


Well, in that case, see my previous comment, in which I said I would give you a considerably higher grade if the assignment wasn't for a university course. If you are submitting it to a professor, though, you will have to take an interest in logic and philosophy, because professors who assign these sorts of topics tend to take an interest in both, for some strange reason.

In any event, good luck coming up with a second draft.

Writing Feedback / qualities required for a happy marriage [3]

"Marriage is defined as a legal union of man and woman as a husband and wife to spend the rest of their lives together as one." Try again. If you are defining marriage as a legal union, you cannot say it means they have to spend the rest of their lives together, as legal contracts are easily dissolved, say through divorce. Even in cases where a divorce is difficult to obtain, husband and wife can separate so that the marriage exists in name only. For that matter depending on what country or state you are in, you can't really even necessarily specify that it is always a union of a man and a woman. On the other hand, if you are talking about marriage as a religious sacrament, then you can work in the lifelong commitment aspect, and specify the genders, if you are working from the perspective of one particular religion. However, you then have to drop the legal union aspect, as that is incidental, and, in some cases, lacking, as in the cases of churches that perform same-sex or polygamous marriages in states where they are illegal.

For the body paragraphs. Add more depth by giving specific examples, and perhaps some less obvious qualities beyond good communication skills and the ability to compromise.

Research Papers / Help with narrowing down research question and thesis [5]

What is your research question currently? Something along the lines of "Are online classes better than, worse than, or equivalent to regular classes in terms of the quality of education provided?" That seems fairly specific to me. You could narrow down even more, I suppose, by carefully outlining your definition of what constitutes a quality education. Your outline could be tweaked by adding a section on the pros of online classrooms. In this sort of essay, it is important to address the arguments put forth by the other side. For that matter, you could have a section on the cons of the traditional classroom too, so that you are comparing one set of pros and cons to another set of pros and cons. That would give you a more thorough, balanced assessment to work with.

Undergraduate / Boston U Int. (Experiences with Dad, Confidence, Stock Market) [13]

The line between bad grammar and new grammar is always buried in a gray area. However, I take the attitude that any construction that virtually everyone uses in everyday English is okay, such as "since" for "because" and "Hopefully" for "It is to be hoped." The purpose of language is to communicate clearly, after all, and I don't think anyone is ever really confused by the use of 'since' for 'because.' I get annoyed by mis-usages that still haven't caught on, though. "Irregardless" is still not a word in my book. It has, however, made it into dictionary.com, where it is at least still classified as non-standard. At some point, the word will win out, though, because that brings it in line with "irrespective," irrelevant," and "irreparable." The fact that it combines two negative word parts won't much matter to people who only use language instead of studying etymologies. It will just become a word like "inflammable," something that occasionally confuses people if they think too hard about it, but that they generally accept and use without thinking about it at all.

Letters / Globalization - an opinion letter in essay form [12]

A stronger second draft. You still need to work on the definition, though: "Globalization is a practice "to extend to other or all parts of the globe; make worldwide (cite)."" To extend what, exactly? And Kevin is right -- it wouldn't hurt to acknowledge the other side. After all, if globalization were all bad, then there would be more resistance to it than there actually is among those most directly affected by it. (And no, protests by idealistic Westerners who have all the benefits of living in the First World don't count). Don't just drop in the opposing arguments though -- if you add them, you have to include your counter-arguments as well. So, you would have your argument, the other side's counter-argument, then your counter-counter argument. That really isn't as confusing as it sounds, if you think about it.