Scholarship / My future plans with career and community in 10 years (but I'm undecided!) [3]


Ha ham very good. I am glad you are trying pageant answer, :-)

Well, it is all about focusing the binoculars on what you do know. Have you heard of "design activism?" Google that term.

Let's let them know that you are entering the profession of an engineer, and let them know what you would do with such a career. Even if you do not continue with that career choice, you can switch to something else later. For now, choose your path, and show confidence. Write about a goal you do have... you can have many goals, many careers.

So, open your mind, and let yourself write about a particular field... cite some journal articles, and really enjoy writing about your possible career path!

Writing Feedback / "Photography and Soccer as My Helpful Hobbies" Write about hobbies something you have [2]

...aided me in my pursuit of photography and soccer.

One of mine my hobbies assisted me in photography. Photography is a way of to express myself.

Another hobby of mine that enhanced my life was playing soccer. Simon Kuper, a legendary Dutch soccer player, once said, that "Soccer is never just soccer." He undoubtedly was right. Soccer helped ...

I'll use the noun forms of the words below:
In conclusion, people need to get a hobby who if they suffer from stressed, overwork, and exhaustion. I suffered these problems, but then I found ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "an excellent education + help Africa" - Personal statement - Temple University [3]

At the outset, I would like to thank the Management of Temple University to invite for inviting me to join the 10 year reunion.

Both working hard and working smartly I possessed a major factor toward my key to success in life.

... for the stars, and no doubt it worked.

... if u you have the right vision and your fighting fight for the right cause, you will prevail.

Ten years ago I was one of the most decorated and celebrated student students in Temple University in the field of Academics and Sports no, specify an academic subject.

...but it was not too long before when I decided to come back to my roots and my birthplace where I promised myself that I must need to would build my future to be greater for than who and what I am now in Temple University, and share the results to with my family, friends and countrymen in China, one of the most fascinating places on earth.

...one of the best construction, engineering, and consulting firms .

Presently I am studying working toward my doctorate degree at Stanford University on in the field of International Business Management. My family and works is and work are my priorities, which made me extend my years to be one of the most eligible bachelor. No! Find a better way to say this. It sounds like you are talking about dating.

:-)

Writing Feedback / SAT, example of a realistic person? - Optimism vs Realism [6]

You did some great writing here, Catherine.

I would like to have a colon here:
...one fact we cannot deny: the fact that the glass is also half empty.

There is nothing wrong with having to have a positive outlook on a plan or a goal and believing we can achieve it.

Her emptiness fades away until she meets a homeless teenage girl and she offers a home to her. It's a facade that she builds in her mind, treating her like her the lost daughter, and the ...

You can use any example of a politician, because politicians need to do what is possible rather than what is best. You can use Rosa Parks, for example, because she was not asking for perfect equality. She just wanted to be allowed to sit where she pleased on the bus! :-)

Scholarship / "Desire into a medical field" - Transfer applicant prompt [2]

Hey, I found an important writing rule to tell you. This will benefit you. It is not "could of"
...was something I could of have done differently to save my baby's life. Although h e was very pink, bald, and skin so thin you can could see right through him, he was my beautiful little angel. I kissed him goodbye, and told him, that "Mommy loves you, and I will see you in heaven one day." I handed him back...

... her even though my vocal voice was not in tune with me.

My interest in the medical field developed as I started to notice that there weren't any Tongan RN's out there. ---Well, this is very good! Nurse or physician, you should develop your own personal philosophy of nursing/medicine. Share your philosophy, and cite an article, and you will be most impressive. :-)

Scholarship / "my Math mark, was a surprisingly low" - university scholarship [4]

I see some eloquent language in that first paragraph, but it actually does not really say much.

I have had many good and bad experiences within my years, which have shaped and benefited me as a person. My experiences have developed my inner self as a student and helped me to discover what programs I am interested in for my post-secondary education. I have learned all this and developed my skills and passions by my academic and extracurricular experiences. None of this tells the reader anything. The reader will skim over this to get to the meaningful part. It is better for you to weed it out of the garden.

Very good examples, good stories.

This can be seen true, as firstly studying Game development for me, is something different therefore, I need to adapt accordingly which is something I learned from my academic experience. This is a run on sentence, and it has grammar problems. You should replace it with a simpler sentence. Never tell the reader more than necessary. :-)

Writing Feedback / Do you prefer learning by yourself to learning with a teacher? [3]

Don't say but yet. It is redundant, because both mean the same thing.

I prefer learning by myself, but yet there are some contradictions about this topic, and ___________________- (give your point of view). Here are some reasons that support my point of view.

First of all I have ...

nothing against teachers. On the contrary, I do agree with the idea that teachers play an essential role as part of the education process. Normally, the teachers will serve as a guidance during...

Do not capitalize:
Personally during the first year in junior High School high school I started to get bored easily and ...

...In conclusion I prefer learning by myself most of the times time, and depending on circumstances a little hand from the teachers for better results.

:-) nice!!

Book Reports / King Lear - is there meaning or value in the deaths in King Lear? [7]


Are there any "meanings" associated with the deaths? Hmmm... I have an idea for you. Google this: scapegoat symbolic death

You have to read character analysis. Read about what the various characters symbolize, and then you will know what their deaths symbolize. Know the characters deeply, and no one will be able to tell you that you are wrong. Know the characters deeply, and your idea will be as good as anyone's.

But it is important to google this:
King Lear, death, symbolism, character -------------- Read at least 2 different analyses. Sparknotes is great. Get deeply familiar. :-)

Research Papers / Research design on the death penalty (the christian and non christian views) [3]

Great job, Kunle. We are so lucky to have you participating here!

I'll also add that this is a very difficult topic. I think you need to start by reading what Christian authorities have written about it. What articles can you find about this topic by Christians? That is your first task.

If you read 5 great articles and write a paragraph every time you finish an article, you will have a few pages of writing to look at. Look at what you wrote about those articles, and based on your contemplation of them you will have more than one question from which to choose.

Writing Feedback / "death penalty is applied unfairly and randomly" pros and cons of the death penalty [3]

It deters murderers to do from committing more crimes in the future, because they would lose their lives and life without parole doesn't make the expected same effect as the death penalty. Studies that show increasing decreasing crime rates in states with the death penalty are inconclusive, and that is only because the death penalty takes years before an execution is actually carried out. -----Sunstein and Vermeule shored that capital crime decreases in the days surrounding a sentencing and also in the days surrounding the carrying out of an execution when those things were reported on the news. But those studies were not so convincing.

You should google this: Sunstein vermeule capital punishment, morally
And also: Steiker, capital punishment, morally
These are 2 articles I am assigning you as homework. :-)

Scholarship / Significant Experience: Domestic Violence, 450 Words [3]

Great job, tmiplease!

Here is an example of an essay that would benefit from a first sentence-ectomy:
I miss my father to this day.
Look at how beautiful and mysterious your writing is when you leave out a detail:
Like a dull ache that flares from time to time at odd moments, it catches me unaware at my most vulnerable or inconvenient. There is still a part of me that misses him and his memory, though it is only f...---------inconvenient does not seem to fit, but I like it anyway! I know what you mean, but... it is not YOU that is inconvenient. Still, I think that sentence is okay.

As i continue to read, I am so impressed...

...in numerous different violent rages.

The consequences bear heavy rest heavily on my shoulders, but ...

You are so great... even if there is suffering, take consolation from the fact that your life will be full and meaningful. Your talent with language ensures that. We think in language, so wordsmiths like you are in for a powerful experience during each trip!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Which kind of roommate would you prefer? (American roommate) [2]


Typo. Also, this can be one word: worldwide

The reasons are I like to share and get experiences, cultures, new test of food and learn new methods of studies.---This is adifficult kind of sentence. Do this:

The reason comes from my desire to share experiences, cultures, new foods, and learn new methods of study.

:-)

chinh made a great edit!!
And here is one more mistake:
...both have advantages and disadvantages, but...

Writing Feedback / O level: Leadership. Necessiity of nurturing leadership in everyone [3]


I suppose it is, but it is always boring to begin an essay with a definition! Think of a clever sentence to use at the start, here...

some students complain about the redundancy of it. Nevertheless, I am convinced that it is necessary to nurture leadership in everyone.---This requires more explanation. I am not sure what you mean. Leadership is an interesting subject.

I don't know how to rank you 1-100, but I'll show you where you have some small errors.

likely to form excellent character .

When everyone is prepared to be a leader, then who will be led. led?

You did very well! I really think you will get a great score. This is difficult as an argumentative essay, because most people would agree with it.

I think you would enjoy an article by Prentice... Google this:
Prentice, understanding leadership

:-)

Writing Feedback / The effectiveness of teachers and classrooms - Urban Prep Fellowship [2]

...still have the zeal and enthusiasm to press forward and teach!---So far, this has a lot of energy and interest... a lot of what makes good writing. I like it!

Educators do not only teach they also nurture. ---Run on sentence! Use a semi-colon.

Every teacher will have the opportunity to show compassion to a student and encourage his or her ability to succeed. It is discouraging to learn about...--- encourage, discourage... you should use a different word, because you used encourage in the previous sentence, and you used discouraged in a different way here.

... teachers who only work from school bell to school bell without thought to their students' daily lives and the tools needed for each individual student to It is important for ...---missing words?

To succeed in the circumstances given in an urban school it is important to first recognize that all students have unbelievable potential and believe that each student is capable of doing great things. If the expectation for ...--okay, but you need more than this. What is necessary if we are to equip them for success... we should teach them how to use Craigslist, Ebay, and so forth? We should optimize their communication skills? What is the "arguable thesis" of your essay? Google the term "arguable thesis"...

I think it is excellent writing, but what is the main message? Can you write a sentence that captures that message?

Writing Feedback / What are the causes and solutions of Anti-social actions? [8]


Well, I think you are doing well!

I strongly believe that almost all anti-social actions have legitimate reasons causes and people committing those actions are victims of serial complicated and harsh circumstances to which they have been subjected, and it is a long process that turns good-natured humans into criminals.---I made many changes here. It is a hard sentence to write! The way you think is complex, but the sentences should be simple.

God is unfair in some w ays. ----Very good job, starting the paragraph with a sentence like this... a sentence that catches the attention.

Experiencing continual unlucky events, it is normal for ...

If you have trouble continuing, just sit down and enjoy a great article about this topic. Find a fascinating article. When you finish, you can write a bit about the author's main idea and how it relates to this.

Articles are wood, and the essay is the fire.

Writing Feedback / "A problem shared is a problem solved" (for TOEFL) [6]


Wow, very good. I am intrigued...

Sharing our problems may bring us emotional relief, but in the long run it hinders our durability.---Okay, is this the main idea of the essay? What do you conclude... that we should not share our grief? I feel that another sentence is necessary at the end of this first paragraph. Add a sentence to share even more of your insight.

Wow, alright. I like every paragraph. To complete this, consider what you would say to someone who complains, "Do not tell people to keep their pain bottled up! Friends are supposed to share both pain and pleasure." When someone reads your essay, they will be thinking something like this. You will need to be able to explain why it actually is better to keep quiet about the pain. :-) Give one last insight! Answer this question that will be raised in the reader's mind.

Undergraduate / "New sport; I joined the swim team" - extracurricular activities 150 words [2]

I like that first sentence. Clever! Take out the word "the."

...involved water.

I joined the swim team in my sophomore year, and I can still taste the chlorine in my mouth from those days. ---ha ha, I like your style.

Being involved with the team not only made me aware of the challenges we face but also the leadership and determination one must have. to break. I was astound when it was had been announced that I would be the Team Captain.

I have discovered various obstacles which have molded me to what I have become today. ---Can you be more specific?

The water is where I feel the most comfortable, and that gives me a clear sight of where I am supposed to be.---Nice.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Hero paper.. "Sometimes even our heroes get hurt" [4]

Well, you are supposed to go help some other people and ask them to return the favor!

If you need to add more material, just find something great to read. That is what I do. I read great stuff, write down the ideas it gives me, cite it, quote it, and then find something else to read.

It's like burning wood to make fire. :-)

Undergraduate / "promising marketing career, computer software, engineering" - transfer to NY college [4]


I don't like the way this sounds! Like something a pet might do...

by receiving an educational foundation and degree in marketing----I think you use too many words. Simplicity is better. Instead of a formal tone, use meaningful ideas... because I want to be prepared for my future as an international marketing analyst. not meaningful... just a common, obvious thing you will say if this is your career field of interest.

I will tell you when I find the first meaningful idea...

Here it is:
At each country, I exposed and adapted myself to the country's cultures. However, despite these countries' differences, there was one similarity I noticed and became very interested in - marketing to consumers.----Awesome, Victor, now scrap that whole first paragraph. This is the theme worth writing about. If you spare them the wordy intro and just start with this paragraph, it will get them to stand at attention right away. It is a thoughtful insightful idea...

I don't see any grammar errors...

My professional objective is to be an international market analyst. ---See this? Not meaningful. That is the kind of informative sentence you need to limit. If they can understand that based on what you have already said, do not make them read it again. Refer in passing to the intention to be a market analyst, but don't invest a whole sentence in it. Make every sentence a fascinating step in the exploration of that great theme about selling to consumers.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why I want to be a doctor and what are my skills/accomplishments. [4]

...what the words meant, becoming a surgeon turned out to be has been my aspiration. ---I added the word "the" to make it clearer... from the moment you found out what words meant... that makes little sense. But "the words" indicates that you mean "becoming a surgeon."

Streamline! Make it efficient:
Since I have entered High School high school, I have begun to focused on my goal of becoming a neurosurgeon.

My English was not perfect, and it has been an obstacle; however, my motivation and discipline has have encouraged me to ...

I am naturally a very competitive person.----It would be better if you had a better motivation... like the desire to improve the practice of medicine.

... interviewed a pediatric neurologist who showed me pictures that were taken by MRI machines of the children who had epilepsy. Through this experience, I developed even more interest in becoming a neurosurgeon. Along with my project I gained experience to work independently by...This is all very very good. I crossed out the sentence that stated the obvious, though. If it is not necessary, don't include it. That is how to write well.

I can tell you are very serious. They will accept you! So, don't worry. But don't be too competitive, either! That is not really a virtue. Commitment to the field is a better motivator. ;-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - owing to the development of technology we live in a better life than out ancestors [5]

Do you know about 'active voice' in writing? Look at the difference:
People's lives have been changed in many ways through the ...---See? Make it so that the subject of the sentence is doing something. Don't make it so that something is being done to the subject of the sentence. It is more powerful with the "active voice."

Also, instead of ending the first paragraph with "for the following reasons," you should try to find the words to express the big reason that unites all the reasons with one another. Or you can list them at the end of the first paragraph. But do not just say "for the following reasons."

You can do the same thing at the end of the last paragraph...
Thanks to the development of technology, our life is more convenient. In addition, we are healthier because the medicine is advanced . It is natural for progress to come with complications, but we must embrace the complications to reap the rewards.

I added a sentence. It is an example of a sentence that sums up your message. Put another sentence like that at the end of the first paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My interest in communication, media, culture" - Motivation letter for transferring [2]

The words were always comforting as they somehow tickled my heart. somehow tickled. It may be sound bizarre, but I was rather content than and accepting of my imperfection.

... may be taken its entity for granted, leading the----missing some words?

My career goal is to become a mediator between the media and the people, not the society itself. ----This is unclear.
If the world of media were to continuously manipulating us, citizen, in order to earn their profits of striving to perfection, no one would be able to sense the beauty of things.------Okay, this is cool, but you still should precede this sentence with a sentence that explains what you mean about ... "not the society itself."

The course produced by ---'s Communication studies department deeply attracts me. ----The specificity here is great! I think is good if you add a topic sentence to this paragraph... add a sentence to the beginning of this paragraph to introduce it to the reader.

Your plans are impressive!

Undergraduate / "Changes: community, my life, my future" - College Transfer [2]

have
The past two years have truly been ...

...one goal of mine has always remained constant - progress. -----anyone could say this! Progress is a very general word.

comma: ... but also a high-quality, private education.

...for the game. I was once so fervid of.

All those reasons involve characteristics of the school, but I think you should have some reasons associated with your special interests... for example, this new school may have a prof whose journal articles you enjoy. I would love to learn from Prof. Noam Chomsky, for example, and I wish I had attended MIT for that reason! What about you? Do you know about the faculty at this new school?

Undergraduate / Bachelor of Science UBC supplemental application essay - OPINIONS! [5]

If you want to be really impressive, you can change it so that the sentence does not end with a preposition:
If there is a math question or a riddle in front of me that I cannot figure out, I will not stop or give up until I get a logical solution with which I am happy.

The theme idea is great, but do you understand what is meant by it? A great theme for this essay might be "enthusiasm" or "tenacity." Give them a word to remember you by.

Also, my favorite strategy is to show that you are already very invested in this. Show that you have spend countless hours planning your education with this school, and show that you are looking for opportunities at this school to get involved with cutting edge work about which you've been reading. Not just "things like stem cell research, etc." but SPECIFIC articles you have been reading. Show that you are already thinking like someone who has read all the recent articles. :-)

Undergraduate / (majoring in Chemistry and studying at Cornell) - Transfer [3]

trim away the excess... for power.
In my life I have been faced with many hardships from family to school; I moved to the United States when I was in nine, leaving everything I ever knew and starting all o ver again.

I want to go to Cornell over any other University in the country because I believe that Cornell is a very prestigious University that will give me the best opportunity to farter expand my knowledge and education. ---This does not really say anything. You need to make sure each paragraph introduces an idea that will be meaningful or persuasive in some way. Do you know what I mean? Make it so that the reader has a useful experience and gains some new insight.

I fell in love with Cornell as soon as I read about it the quality of teaching staff, the student diversity, and the rich history of the University and how studying at Cornell will make me a better person. not interesting, because anyone could say that same thing.

This is interesting:
I do not just plan to become a doctor, I want to someday travel the world and help people that can not help themselves. I want to provide free health care to people that cannot afford it in 3rd world countries. I believe that m Majoring in Chemistry and studying at Cornell with the best Professors professors in their ...

Cut out all general sentences, and focus intensely on that single, poignant, original theme.

:-)

Undergraduate / (I wish to continue my studies in nursing) - Transfer NYU student [2]

I think it should have parentheses...
...but he who endures until the end" (Ecclesiastes 9:11). This was These were always my mother's words of inspirations inspiration, and I never

Pursing my education at New York University would be a great way for me to continue my studies in nursing. ---I think this sentence is too simple. Can you dig a little deeper and say something more specific? That will make the whole paragraph more meaningful.

In essence, New York University's nursing program will help me to engage with, contribute to, and learn from the global scientific community.---Again here... this is nicely written, but it is too broad to be meaningful. Reflect on that. It can be to broad to be meaningful. You have to read the latest studies and books associated with your specialization of interest, and get a real feeling of inspiration, and share that inspiration about particular concepts.

The courses your program offers will not only broaden my knowledge, but also satisfy my curiosity and deepen my understanding If it is something anyone could say, it is not helpful.

Okay, I hope you know that I am trying to share a certain idea with you and not trying to be a jerk. Your writing style is excellent. I just want to share this idea about getting specific with your concepts of interest. Never be general. :-)

Speeches / The film "Exit Through the Gift Shop" about street art - Informative speech topic [2]


Informing them is a necessary evil. It is the part you don't want to do, but you must. It makes them work. People have to work to be informed, and I would much rather carry them along in an effortless experience.

When you inform, you have to serve it to the reader in the nicest, most interesting, rhythmic way you can.

Each paragraph is a sentence. The first sentence of the paragraph IS the paragraph. The rest of the paragraph explains the idea.

So... a speech with 5 paragraphs has one main idea that you repeat at the beginning and end... and it has 3 sub-ideas.

Let's see what you write!

Undergraduate / (Citizens in a more transparent society are more accountable) - of Importance To Me [2]


This sentence is unnecessarily awkward.. I think. It seems awkward to me because of the "after which"... which is unnecessary.
And as the first sentence of the essay, this is a little too plain!

Oh, I really like the theme you developed! So, yeah, give it a better intro sentence.


A typo here... and I think you need an apostrophe...

Capitalize Internet.

An Example example -- or not? Citizens in a more ...

Undergraduate / "studying the human mind and its effects on behavior" - Pomona Transfer [3]

Wow, I am intrigued... interesting style!

...because what kind of friend would even getting get that sinking feeling in the first place? instead, you might do better if you specify that you are referring to the name on the caller id.

is where my true interests lay. ---I don't like this part... it's like... trying too hard to use a cool way of wording it... lay, lie, people are not sure which is correct, it is a distraction.

I hope to join this community and I feel I would be able to contribute beneficially. Do not use any words that are empty of meaning. Every sentence has to carry meaning. End the essay with a confident sentence about a specific intention... something you see yourself doing in the future.

Okay, but overall, this is full of excellent action and energy. You have a great style. End the first paragraph earlier, and plant a theme in the reader's mind. Great job...

Grammar, Usage / Citing references not used in main paper [4]

I think you mean MLA, not mlm.


Usually, the prof tells you not to include publications on the ref list if they are not cited in the material.

Spell cite with a c.

No, he does not have to cite it. I have read a lot of books, but I only list the one's I cited in the paper. It's simple, really!

You make your contribution, and in doing so you reference others' work. When you reference others, obviously it is necessary to include the publication info in a list.

I have heard about some instances when using Chicago style and writing about philosophy, etc., people might list a lot of sources that are not specifically mentioned... it just depends on the purpose. But in APA, no... just list what you cite.

I think you should let the person cite whomever he wants to cite. If there is a disagreement, make a little note of it and the prof will enjoy the opportunity to explain. Open up to receive what the team members give, and go the extra mile, because that is how to open up the flood gates of energy. Your team member may be blocked... just open yourself up and write something. ;-)

Letters / Asst. Manager Safety/HSE Superintendent position - Cover Letter [4]

Can it be longer if necessary?

When you write an essay or letter, you should have one great message. This message could be explained in a single sentence, but not very well. It requires a whole essay.

And the message is supported by a few powerful ideas. Each paragraph should express a powerful idea.

What is the idea of this paragraph:
For the past five years I have been working with CCIC in Qatar Petrochemical (QAPCO -2), Qatar Gas (QGXII) & Qatar Gas (QCS 3&4) Projects Raslaffan Doha Qatar as an Asst. General Manager Safety. (Add a sentence BEFORE this sentence to express an idea you want the reader to consider).

So... before you start to write an essay, or before you start to revise, consider this: What are the key ideas I want the reader to consider? If you give the reader one great idea, you win.

Writing Feedback / Many students educate themselves abroad - it's parents' decision or enthusiasm over living overseas [5]

First, Students students find it much easier to learn English in a country other than their own countries.
Practice this sentence structure many times... First, students find it much easier to earn money in the place other than this terrible city. First, students wish they could learn from someone other than this terrible teacher.

Today, many of them do not like to study in their homeland because the environments here are not suitable for learning English. ------I want to talk about the word "here" in this sentence. Do you mean "here," where you are? Or do you mean "there," where they are?

Today, many of them do not like to study in their homeland because the environments there are not suitable for learning English.

Writing Feedback / "School Bells " - kindergarten essay [7]


Yes, and in addition to that, you should speak the sentence aloud. That is how to immerse yourself in the correct grammar.

I am so surprised that you did not score well.

Being inclined to bark, whine, have embarrassing accidents, and noisily lick themselves, students should not bring their dogs to class. dogs should not be brought to class.---I changed it so that "dogs" is the subject of the sentence. Is that what you had in mind?

This is a well-constructed sentence:
Angry with my failures, last month I changed my job from a full-time to a part-time just to read these crazy English grammar books.
I added "books" because "these" makes it plural.
Or you could do this:
Angry with my failures, last month I changed my job from a full-time to a part-time just to read this crazy English grammar.

Hey, to be honest, the way you write has fewer errors than most people... even people who grew up speaking English.
What is this test you failed 39 times?

Writing Feedback / corporal punishments to students [6]


Well, it can instill a kind of respect, I guess. If I know my father can hurt me, I have to have a sort of respect for that. But the tables are turned when I am a burly teenager and my father is getting a bit older. Then, he will need to find a more sophisticated way to earn my respect! Hopefully, it is not too late. ;-)

Dissertations / PhD topic in American studies / Literature criticism [8]


Okay, I understand what you mean. Well, if you want to have a lot of inspiration, you can focus on a specialized topic that excites you. For example, I wonder if you are interested in American capitalism and the way it affects the American health care delivery system. All the other industrialized nations seem to have a more efficient system, but American conservatives believe that free market forces are the source of American innovation. The free market makes a situation where many people profit from health care, and that makes it more expensive. Some Americans want a national system, and others fear government-run health care.

What do you think? Should America have a single-payer health care system?

I also want to tell you that a Questia membership can be helpful if you do not have access to a good database. Questia costs some $$, though.

Good luck!!

Book Reports / Describe Satire in Gulliver's Travels [2]

Hey, that first line is very similar to a line in a Wikipedia description. So... paraphrase that better! I thought maybe you plagiarized, because this material is so well-written, but I do not see any other parts of it that seem similar to existing material.

So... you are a great writer!
I recommend a shorter sentence to be added after that long, complex sentence at the end of the first paragraph. Give it a punchy, memorable sentence at the end that simplifies that theme.

If you do that, the reader will experience all other paragraphs more deeply. The reader needs to be able to really understand that main theme. So... take the various concepts and unite them under the umbrella of ONE big theme. Write a sentence about that theme, and make it a shorter, simpler sentence. That is the sentence to put at the end of the first paragraph.

Here is an idea to consider:
...because of the different various societies he encounters. At the beginning, he is a standard- issue European adventurer; by the end, he has become a misanthrope ...

Writing Feedback / Toefl- Should school buy computers or books? Both are indispensible in our lives [3]


You do not need to capitalize books here.

Do not say "will prefer." It is more useful to say "would prefer." I would prefer a situation that was more pleasant.

No need to say "anymore" here.---> So, the importance of library cannot be overemphasized. anymore .

Okay, you are doing very well. You are setting a good example for other people, because they see that you practiced to correct your errors. Thanks for participating!

Oh, I see that you changed it according to Susan's advice! You did a great job, but maybe books are better. She is not so smart! :-)

Book Reports / Writing an introduction - religious symbolism in "The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson [2]


Some teachers ask you to give a brief summary, and other teachers ask you to assume the reader is familiar with the story.

As a general rule, you should catch the reader's attention with an intriguing idea in the intro paragraph, and then give a brief summary in para #2. That is what I do.

Now how about that thesis statement?

Start by Googling this: Shirley Jackson, symbolism, "the lottery"
Also try this: Shirley Jackson, analysis, "The lottery"

Your thesis statement should be your own unique observation. It doesn't have to be life-changing... just unique.

:-)

Undergraduate / Essay: Title of the book of your life story up to now and why? [2]


No, you are right! No need to apologize for that.

Try to use as few words as possible. Do not take that to an extreme, but in general do not tax the reader's attention more than necessary.

Whenever I complain about something I am not sure I will like or if I worry about the a choice I had have made, my Dad asks, "Do you know what they say about experience?" He will go on, " Experience has two definitions. You have to chose choose which on is right for you: Doing one thing a thousand times, or doing a thousand things once."

It is almost always good to cut "I believe"
I believe n New experiences make one grow and makes make life worth living.

hey, this is clever: I can be professional, witty, silly, and tough. ---Great combination.

I am competitive and driven, practical yet passionate. I refuse to adhere to one label, one definition. This is getting to be too much, because it is just vague assertions about nonconformity and diverse interests, etc.

All things interest me, even areas which are seemingly boring or difficult, Use a specific example instead of a general claim... I boldly try with my Father father's words ringing in my ears.

My experience list is growing every day.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Reflection essay (argument considering the use of the organic foods) [2]

...are safer and healthier more safety and healthy than conventional foods.

It is interesting so far!

I want to cut the first sentence, though:
In the current essay I would like to reflect on my definition essay.
This does not seem necessary. But maybe it is necessary as part of your class. So, keep it if necessary. You are doing well! Let's see some more of it.