Undergraduate / The one who can be depended on -UC Prompt 2 [4]

I, too, am uncertain about the degree to which this story is appropriate. You were so very young! I'm not sure what this says about your current personality. Have you consistently behaved in this way? If so, why not follow up with a more recent story?

Student Talk / I want to know about benefits to study hospitality management . [6]

Why do you want to go into that industry? When you envision yourself working in that industry, what do you see?

Graduate / University's Master of Science in Bioscience Regulatory Affairs (SoP) [6]

Right. We'll be happy to help you write your own statement, though. Just tell us a bit more about why you need to write this and what kinds of information you want to include.

Undergraduate / Her Struggle, a poor Haitian teenager - UCF [4]

This is a very strong essay. I like how you weave the Haitian political and economic situation into your own story. But the essay feels curiously lifeless to me, even though your mother's life and work includes a good deal of drama. Work on adding imagery, using active verbs, and getting rid of empty modifiers such as "incredibly."

Undergraduate / UCF ENTRANCE (family history, culture, enviornment) [5]

Perhaps if you said more about why your family relocated, that would help. Also, perhaps you could show us the United States through your 8 year-old eyes and then again through your 18 year-old eyes. Then tell us how that shift shaped you.

Essays / Topic for essay meaning. What is "Life of the Mind?" [4]

The phrase "the life of the mind" means much more than enriched cognitive functioning. Colloquially, at least in the United States, the phrase refers to taking pleasure in cultural and intellectual stimulation.

Undergraduate / About dancing - 150 word essay on extra curriculars [5]

Mention that ballet inculcated discipline.

Graduate / 'technical responsibilities in military' Statement of Purpose - GT Grad School Essay [4]

Wow, we don't see many robotics students quoting Bernice Johnson Reagon! You ought to get points just for that!

Now, down to the essay itself. I'd take out the parts about your little brother. That sort of thing is great for undergraduate applications but graduate school admissions committees aren't so much interested in having their heartstrings tugged. They want to know what skills and prior learning you'll be bringing to the program and what you're going to do with the degree. You've covered the first of those quite well, but I don't see anything about your purpose in seeking the advanced degree. What do you envision doing after graduate school? Replace the parts about your brother and your volunteer work with that.

Writing Feedback / Skill is more important than a theory, but without any experience - knowledge, it fails. [10]

Jin, just to be very clear: "deeply saying" is not a meaningful phrase; in other words, whatever you mean by it, it sounds nonsensical to an English speaker. "Accurately speaking" is only slightly better: It does not sound nonsensical but does sound quite awkward. So, my advice to you is to leave out such prefacing phrases until you have become more fluent in colloquial English.

Undergraduate / Living with ADHD (Essay for UF) [2]

You've got the makings of a very strong essay here. Your story is compelling and you tell it with insight. Now you need to clean up the grammar. You start off on the wrong foot by saying "born I was" rather than "I was born," which leads us to expect poetry rather than prose. Fix that.

Here are some more suggested revisions:

Seventh grade came along, and after years of private sessions, tutoring, and taking a prescription medicine, I told my mom "I'm fed up! I don't want to take more medicines, go to the psychiatrist or receive tutoring!"M y parents,somehow astounded by my initiative and sudden decision, seemed a little uneasy about compromising all the progress that I had made by a mere ideal of independencyjust to honor my wish for independence but [omit comma] nonetheless [omit comma] trusted my wise judgment.

If you examine what I did here, you will see that I broke a few of your longer sentences into shorter sentences. You will need to do that throughout the essay.

Graduate / Industrial engineering for NGOs [My grad school essay (not very poetic)] [2]


Presumably, your name is on your application. Omit this.


Presumably, your transcripts will be included in your application. Omit this.

Rewrite the next sentence as follows:
My undergraduate studies allowed me to developedgreatmy numeric and reasoning skills, and also gave me the opportunity to be introduced me to some appealing topics like robotics and microprocessor design.

Then follow that with an expression of your enthusiasm for those topics and/or your dreams of using those topics to do something in particular.

Further down, you mention your wish to do something constructive and cite the needs of NGOs for the skills you hope to develop. This may be your hook, especially if you are from a region in which NGOs are very active and need a lot of help. If so, you may want to move that to the top of the essay.

Let's see what others have to say.

Writing Feedback / Toefl--- fossil fuels will soon be replaced? [7]

Many of your arguments are cogent. The example of hydroelectric dams is quite good, although this does not demonstrate that this form of energy is not "reliable," only that it comes with its own environmental hazards. The chief problem is that you are confusing "green" (in the sense of non-polluting) with renewable. Fossil fuels can never be sustainable, because they are finite. No matter how technology is used to make them burn more cleanly, burning them depletes a finite supply which will eventually run out.

But this is a TOEFL essay, and so our chief concern must be your English rather than your logic. For the most part, your grammar is good and your punctuation accurate.

Here are a few fixes:
Research in renewable energy costs a huge amount of money, which developing countries cannot afford.

For example, it is estimated that China has the largest deposit of coal in the world, and the government does not want to invest too much money on new forms of energy such as expensive solar batteries and wind farms.

Admittedly,contemporarily fossil fuels cause serious environmental conundrums such as acid rain, depletion of the ozone layer, and global warming; these problems can be mitigated by improving the efficiency of the mechanisms and thereby reducing emissions.

Writing Feedback / Skill is more important than a theory, but without any experience - knowledge, it fails. [10]



I'm afraid I can't offer revisions for either of these sentences, because I cannot decipher what you are trying to say. I do see that you like to start your sentences with clauses. This just increases the confusion.

So, what I would like you to do, just for those two sentences, is tell me -- as simply as you can -- exactly what you are trying to say.

Writing Feedback / "Truth it self doesn't exist" - truth in the relationship [6]

I see that, in questioning the nature of truth, you are trying to grapple with some complicated questions in the context of a simplistic TOEFL essay. In general, you will want to keep your TOEFL essay as simple as possible, remembering that the purpose is to demonstrate your English proficiency, not to express your opinion on that particular topic. You will want your essay to have a clear introduction with a clear thesis statement. Your essay should also have a clear conclusion which restates the thesis. In between, you should have about three body paragraphs, each of which puts forth an argument supported by facts or examples.

Undergraduate / Most significant challange - Short essay, 200-250 words [7]


Physically impossible.

Undergraduate / A passion for reading, writing, and science - MIT short essay [4]


Yah, that's the problem -- no detail. This could be written by anybody who likes to read. Many college applicants like to read. This doesn't distinguish you from the crowd at all. What do you like to read? What do you like to write? How has this passion affected you?

Undergraduate / Why I am interested in becoming a nurse - send me your opinions [5]


You start with a sentence fragment. Not a good sign.



Ah, I see that you are starting off each paragraph as if it were a bullet point. I understand why you want to do that, but it is not a good idea. It seems like error rather than style.

Look at I, II, and III as you have them. Fix up the fragments and these are three good body paragraphs for an essay. Now write and introduction and conclusion, ideally using some sort of strong image or anecdote to draw the reader in and coming to a memorable conclusion.

Writing Feedback / When a huge factory is built, the job demand is high, and it attracts thousand persons to move there [6]

You have the elements of a good essay here, but the organization is rough. Try, when writing a TOEFL essay, to clearly state your thesis in the introductory paragraph and in the concluding paragraph. I see that you do state your thesis in the conclusion, but not in the introduction. My guess is that you made up the thesis as you went along. That's fine, but then you have to go back and alter the introduction to include the thesis that evolved as you wrote.

Your grammar is generally good, but you have to watch out for verb tense. In the passage where you imagine a factory being built in your neighborhood, you slip from imagined future tense into present tense.

Essays / competency goal statement / Professionalism Early Childhood Education [3]

In teacher education, they make a big distinction between goals and objectives, using the terms in a much more specialized sense. Furthermore, I've noticed some variance in that specialized usage. My advice would be to seek clarification from your adviser or a professor as to how your school in particular conceptualizes the difference between goals and objectives.

Re: integrated approach to teaching the early years curriculum in the uk

Greetings!

There is usually a wealth of information online in any area to do with education. Sometimes it's just a matter of plunging in with your key words and seeing what pops up. Googling the terms "integrated approach early years curriculum UK" brings up quite a few sites. Searching only "early years curriculum UK" brings up some others. Even if these sites aren't precisely what you are looking for, they might lead you to others that contain more helpful information.

If it's a research paper you're writing, you might want to check out our article on "How to Research and Write a Decent Research Paper" in the Free Essays and Articles section of our website.

Best of luck!

Graduate / "Modern High Frequency communication standards" - my Statement of Objectives to MIT [7]

I doubt that the reason is as ornate as Rajiv proposes. MIT, like every other top university, receives many more applications from qualified applicants than it can accept. In other words, after all of the unqualified people have been rejected, there are still more applicants than places. This is particularly true for graduate programs, which is why would-be graduate students in popular fields are often advised to apply to at least 10 schools.

All of which is to say that there might not have been anything wrong with your application. It might be, simply, that other applicants had even stronger applications. We're just seeing your essay. There's also your transcript and etc.

To the question of the essay itself, the grammar is rough. You consistently leave out articles and often phrase sentences awkwardly. The essay lacks organization, having no clear introduction, few transitions, and no conclusion. While the content, as Rajiv said, is strong, the form of this essay is quite weak in comparison to the well-polished essays MIT will have received from other applicants.

Undergraduate / Common App - Short Essay (Yoga) [9]

"Abundance" is OK; it's just wrongly placed in the sentence. Another word would be better though. I don't like the wordy "a/an ... of" construction. Why not simply say "numerous" and be done with it?

Essays / "What I think about growing up" [6]

What do you think about growing up? Try free-writing: Get a pencil and paper, set a timer, and just write without worrying about style, grammar, or organization. Let you mind wander. Keep writing. If your mind goes blank, just write "what do I think? what do I think?" until something comes to you. After 10 or 15 minutes, look back at what you have written. Do you see anything that you can use for your essay?

Graduate / 'in different capacities' - AMCAS Essay [5]

Your story is so strong, but your essay is so dull. For heaven's sake: You grew up poor, suffered long waits at the notorious Cooks County hospital, and then went on to volunteer at a free clinic. You've done a variety of jobs. You must have stories to tell! Choose one that illustrates what you most want the admissions committee to know and lead with that.

Undergraduate / "The future / Community service" - U of I Short essays [6]


This makes me want to stop reading right there: (1) Unless there is some reason we would expect you to be writing futuristic fiction or a treatise on history, we know that you are writing about right now and this world; (2) "it is vital" is a passive construction.

You go on in this vein:
it is vital
it is important
it is an active
finance is fascinating

Assuming that your aim is not to put the admissions officers to sleep, you will need to revise this. You've got just a few words. Don't blather on about the world in general or Bernie Madoff in particular. Answer the question!

For your second essay, I'd also like to see you be more direct. The first sentence is silly. Just tell us what you did, you chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

Writing Feedback / MANY PEOPLE DO BUSINESS AT HOME AND STUDY DUE TO COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY.DISCUSS [3]

Please see my comments on your other recent essays.

Writing Feedback / Cbest Essay - Person Most Instrumental in Shaping Your Life [6]


Strike this banal and pointless statement.


This is a run on sentence. If you must link these two ideas together, place a comma after "semester." But you really ought to break this into two sentences.

Undergraduate / "To succeed, to leave the world a bit better" - FSU admissions essay [3]

Sean is right. You need to start over. Start where you now conclude:


By this, I don't mean that you should start with the boring phrase "my goal is to..." but, rather, that you should start with the concept that you want to leave the world a bit better than you found it. If that is truly your aim, rather than something you are saying to sound like a good person, then show this to your reader by starting with an anecdote or fact about yourself that demonstrates this. Also, follow Sean's advice to use specific facts to back up your assertions about yourself. You can manage massive amounts of stress? Prove it. Tell us about a time you did that.

Writing Feedback / Cbest Essay - Memories are instruments that will teach us valuable lessons [3]


If you are or will be teaching in public schools, you may want to demonstrate your ability to make arguments without reference to religious beliefs shared by only a subset of people.


You change tenses mid-sentence here, starting in past tense ("after reading...") but then using a present tense verb ("I choose..."). Your tense wobbles throughout the essay. You need to be able to demonstrate the ability to write in the appropriate tense (past, present, or future). Attend to this carefully when writing your CBEST essay.

Undergraduate / "my abilities and talents" - UT Austin statement of purpose. [4]

Your story is very strong, and will be even stronger if you use stronger verbs to tell it.

For example...


There is... I have... I am... I am... = dull, passive, boring writing.

Instead:

I want to aid people in crisis and distress. I dedicate myself to my community and the greater good. I work as a crisis counselor for the Crisis Intervention of Houston at the United Way. I serve on the Student Government Association at my college...

Letters / My Job App-- Some Descriptions for my current job and expectations [5]

After three year's working experience as a sales assistant, I have mastered the professional skills of export maritime transportation well . I am able to manage normal conditions and emergencies, satisfying the demands of different customers with my strong communications abilities . Moreover, a good command of English enables me to successfully cope with bothcustomers domestic and overseas customers .

Undergraduate / This will lead to my success at UCF - need some help [3]


This is not necessary. It makes the essay too abstract. Unfortunately you've built the essay around it. Start over, illustrating, rather than naming and describing, each of these qualities.

Undergraduate / "extenuating circumstances" - Rough Draft.. [6]

The four paragraphs in the "essay" don't really hang together as an essay. They could be four paragraphs from four different essays. Also, I am concerned by the penultimate paragraph. Are you applying to an evangelical Christian school such as Bob Jones? If so, that paragraph is perfect. If, however, you are applying to a secular university, you can and should mention your faith, since it is important to you, but perhaps ought not devote such a larger proportion of an application essay to explaining your religious purposes, which are of no interest to the school and which, indeed, they must ignore in order not to discriminate on the basis of religion. A tax-payer funded public college or university may not favor religious students over non-religious students. Therefore, it is a waste of precious space to tout your devotion to your faith. Use the space more productively to say something that the admissions officers will be allowed to use to decide in your favor.

Letters / Impressed by her enthusiastic manner; Recommendation written by teacher [7]

Your first sentence has the word "also," which suggests that something has been said before. This doesn't make sense. Remove the "also" unless this is a later paragraph and there is something above it. Also, it is normal to say the name of the person before using pronouns such as "her."

Essays / SUPERHERO STORY - Superhero adventure for the English lesson [6]

Your question is, essentially: How can I begin writing a fictional story? The answer is: Let your imagination run wild. Imagine yourself as a superhero: What sort of superhero would you want to be? What kind of powers would you have? What sort of costume would you wear? Would you have a secret identity? Next imagine that hero in a situation where s/he can save a person, city, country or perhaps even save the world. Once you have decided on your main character and the basic plot of the story, then you can start writing. You can begin either with a description of the character or with the beginning of the rescue story.

Writing Feedback / "joining the armed forces" - FSU entrance essay: Vires, Artes, Mores [3]


Do not start with this. Your reader will have been reading hundreds of essays on "Vires, Artes, Mores." The last thing s/he will want or need is for you to explain those concepts. Instead, jump right in with a strong story illustrating one of those virtues in your life.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Good or bad for more information? [7]

Hmm... You simply refute the idea that too much information can be confusing by listing some of the reasons that information is useful. What I mean is, you just say "no, it's not confusing" without actually addressing that question. What happens when people are deluged by numerous "news" channels, all saying different things because none are required to follow basic journalistic ethics? How can they tell what to believe? What happens when people encounter advertisements disguised as news stories or simply multiple competing advertisements which they do not have the knowledge or skills to examine critically? Will they really make wiser choices, or will they simply buy from whomever is able to shout more loudly by buying more ad space? The global spread of fast food, and the consequent increase in diet-based diseases in low-income countries, suggests that people are not making particularly wise choices in which they carefully weigh information but, rather, responding to the most powerful advertisers.

But that is a problem of content, and this is a TOEFL essay, so you may be OK. However, watch out for word choice -- you mean "various" where you say "variant"-- and be careful not to add commas where they are not needed.

Graduate / "the diversity of experiences and skills" - Statement of Purpose [4]

It's not clear from this essay what sort of graduate program for which you are applying. Generally, graduate school applicants make some reference to their desired field of study, explaining why they wish to pursue an advanced degree in that particular field and how their previous education or experiences has prepared them to contribute to that field. It may be that you are assuming the connections between the experiences you describe and your desired course of study are evident, but you should state those connections explicitly. Additionally, go back through this essay and organize it more carefully, so that it reads less like a random list of accomplishments and more like a coherent essay with clear points, transitions between points, and a decisive conclusion.

Undergraduate / PEOPLE CHANGES THEIR JOB AND PLACE REGULARLY DUE TO CAREER. DISCUSS [6]



Those are your two most recent comments to other forum users. You have posted more essays that I can remember any other user posting in a short period of time (13 essays since 3 September), expecting careful comments on each. The way the forum works is that members earn the right to feedback on their own work by providing feedback to others. In my view, those two comments do not earn you the right to my time in critiquing your latest essay.

Graduate / This is another step; Pediatric nurse practitioner admissions [2]

For the most part, this essay is strong. To make it stronger, avoid wordy constructions (e.g., "tend to disagree" rather than "disagree"). Cut "It is very apparent that I enjoy helping those in need," which is awkwardly phrased as well as over-the-top in terms of self-praise. Also, omit or sharply reduce the length of the donation of hair story.

Undergraduate / I am a Hispanic Resident Alien; Family History topic for UCF [7]

This reads like free-writing than an essay. What I mean is: You've got all of the elements of the essay here, but it reads rather casually rather than as a well organized essay that flows and has a coherent theme. Now that you know what you're going to cover and the main points you want to make, go back and revise for grammar and style, improving your transitions and making sure that you introduction and conclusion match.