Writing Feedback / GRE essay (Science and Art) [2]

Your essay lacks focus. It is not particularly clear what your thesis is, or what sort of relationship, if any, you believe exists between science and art. Overall, though, you seem to be arguing that both science and art can have both stabilizing and destabilizing effects. If that is your thesis, you should include a statement to that effect in your introduction. Then, you would want to identify how science contributes to social society and how it destabilizes it. You sort of do this, but you have no clear topic sentences to unite your examples. You don't really explain how science has helped with population control, for instance, nor do you discuss why "the discovery of genetically modified organisms, the manufacture of synthetic vitamins, and other drugs" should be viewed as increasing the risk of diseases, given that the countries that have these technologies in abundance also have the highest life expectancy rates. Likewise, your examples for art are, as they stand, too glib to be convincing. You would need to go into much more detail for both, and identify a general principle that your specific examples demonstrate.

Some grammatical stuff, too:

"A society becomes less stable when people experience scarcity and are unable to acquire the things that provides physical comfort such as food, clothing, shelter, and technology."

"Overpopulation and economic crises are closely linked. "

"Advances in research play a significant role, for instance in the control of population" A role in what? Overpopulation? Economic crises? The management of these?

Undergraduate / LMU essay (risks in finding yourself) - in progress. [5]

Great advice from Kevin. You talk about all the things that are part of you, but then say that they are nowhere close to being who you really are. So, who are, you, then, if you take all of those things away? Who are you when you aren't dancing hula, playing video games, listening to music, or creating art? For that matter, if these things are truly a part of you, then they must in some way be who you really are. They may not be all you really are, but they are, by your own phrasing, a part of it. Part of your problem here is that the prompt is itself problematic. That is, you can never "discover yourself," because the process of discovery changes the self that discovers it, so that at best you can only discover who you were. At the same time, the idea that the self is just lying out there to be discovered is probably wrong, too. You probably have at least some say in who you become, and so your journey is at least partially going to be about creating yourself instead. I don't know if any of this will be of great help to you, but at least it will give you something to think about.

Undergraduate / Final U of M Essays Short Essays. Punctuation and Quality Comments needed [10]

Yes, the second one is definitely the best of the three choices.

Essays / Ryerson undergraduate admission essay writing. (reasons, details) [14]

You might find it helpful to research Ryerson's Business Management program a bit. Find out from their website what aspects of the program the university is particularly proud of. That way, you just have to come up with reasons for wanting to attend that connect to those aspects of the program, and you'll be well on your way to having a first draft.

Undergraduate / Reflecting on life at 65-regrets, accomplishments ect. [8]

Well, if it's about money and the importance of saving, you could start out with something along the lines of "Money is the root of all good." This is the reverse of the usual saying, and so will catch the readers' attention, which is what a good introductory sentence should do. Of course, you then have to segue into your topic somehow, but I leave that up to you.

Essays / Reality TV essay - ideas to begin writing [35]

Ah ha! So, I was right in my initial conjecture that you were against racial profiling, a conjecture that I made based on your use of the adjective controversial! I rest my case :-). Of course, you were bound to be either for it or against it, so I suppose I had a 50-50 chance to begin with. I shall have to do more research to validate my hypothesis . . .

Essays / help antigone anouilh [4]

Actually, you might want to start by reading the play. That way, you will have a better idea of what you are looking for. But, once you have done that, then Google would be the obvious way to go.

Writing Feedback / Lincoln Paper - Introductory Paragraph [11]

Good advice about the "have's" and "has's." However, don't forget that "have" is a vital part of the perfect tenses, which are difficult to avoid when describing historical events and people.

Undergraduate / 'HERO, A.D.A.P.T. and the Asian Club..' - UT Austin- Important issue (diversity) [5]

After reading Kevin's comments, I'm beginning to conclude that you probably need to rethink most of the essay, because he's right that you could cut the second paragraph and expand on the third rather than doing it the other way around if you wanted to. The very fact that you could get rid of any given paragraph without weakening the essay shows how much it lacks coherence. Try starting over, but this time, in your very first paragraph, define what you mean by diversity. Defining key terms in the intro is a great way to add focus to your work. In this case, are you looking at diversity in terms of ethnicity? class? personal background? political thought? Once you've decide which sort(s) of diversity you want to work with, you can state what specific advantages you think having that diversity brings to an individual/institution. Then you can relate back elements of your own experiences that demonstrate these advantages.

Undergraduate / Optional essay, Aerospace Engineering [7]

Starting out with a current insight you have into aviation is a great idea. You could then trace the development of that particular insight, rather than giving a general history of how you came to like aviation, which would make your essay really stand out.

Undergraduate / Issue of Importance (Marriage). UT austin [2]

I'm not sure that you should necessarily go with arranged marriages as representing gender-inequality. You certainly could make a case for that position, but your current arguments against it center more on the lack of love involved and the use of marriage as a business tool. To talk about gender inequality, you would have to increase the length of your essay substantially, and explain why, for instance, an arranged marriage in which the man is equally forced to accept his parents' choice over his own preferences would be more unfair to the woman. Also, you seem to be perfectly fine with the idea of a marriage for love, so the more radical feminist position might be a stretch for you. But Kevin is right, the essay would be way stronger if you answered the question "Did you demand it [the right to choose your own spouse]?"

Undergraduate / My first Essay. how a college education will change your life [28]

The issue is important, even if it is not directly related to writing. Uni. app. essays are mainly meant to test to see if students know the "correct" answers to certain questions. Essentially they are checking to see if the students are well-adjusted and well-socialized (or at least able to fake it). Given that context, religious references are almost always likely to be interpreted as red flags, and so should probably be omitted. It's much like the essays for most universities that want you to praise diversity and show concern for the environment (often asking students to talk about those issues specifically). You may believe that mainstream academic institutions are one of the least diverse places in the world, and/or that the sort of diversity they preach is more destructive than beneficial. You likewise might believe that environmentalism is essentially a cult that has finally garnered enough supporters to reach the level of a religion. However, you would be foolish to express any of those beliefs in a uni. app. essay for any mainstream college. Being true to your own beliefs has little to do with it -- after all, the goal of writing such essays is to convince the admin officers to let you in to the university, not to express yourself or to craft an argument in favor of your opinions.

Essays / "Confessions of a Student" [25]

A summary should capture the main idea of whatever it is that you are summarizing. Normally, the main idea of each paragraph is contained in its topic sentence. So, if you find the topic sentences for each paragraph, then you pretty much have your summary -- you just need to reword the sentences a bit so that the ideas are expressed in your own words. To practice, try going through articles and highlighting the topic sentence in each paragraph. Once you can do this and correctly identify the topic sentences every time, you should find summary writing easy.

Research Papers / Academic honesty research paper (with a survey) [5]

1. Do you think honesty is an important characteristic for one to succeed in life? How do you think honesty would affect one's life?

Depends upon your definition of success. For attaining meaningful happiness, yes, honesty is important. Ditto for respect, both from yourself and from others. For obtaining power, and to a certain extent money, not so so much. In those cases it may even be an obstacle. So, the answer is different depending upon how you define success.

2. How about in academic career?

Honesty is very important in an academic career. If you cheat or otherwise obtain your degrees through dishonesty, then you have only deprived yourself of an education. You can buy marks easily enough, by paying someone else to do your work for you, but you can't buy what the marks represent, or gain any of the benefits of being educated, though you might temporarily gain the benefits of having a degree, which is different.

3. Have you ever been a witness to someone committing academic cheating (any form)?

Yes.

4. If yes for the above question, what was his/her relationship with you? (good friends, classmate, stranger, etc.) Explain how s/he cheated? How did you feel at that time?

I have known students who were willing to buy essays and submit them as their own. Mostly I felt contempt for them, as they were really only cheating themselves of the very thing their parents were paying for.

5. Talk about how you think someone who cheats.

This question as phrased makes no sense. But, I believe that those who cheat do so mostly out of ignorance. They view a degree as a means to an end (employment) rather than as a worthwhile experience in and of itself.

6. Have you ever cheated in academic field (any form, include accidental failure of citing source)? Could you explain the situation? How did it affect your later career?

No.

7. If not, do you feel proud of yourself? Do you feel confident of success?

No, not proud. My reasons are purely selfish. Cheating makes no sense if you understand the purpose of education. Besides, I'd feel really guilty if I cheated, which is a personal characteristic that I had no say in, so why should I be proud of it? The second question makes no sense, as I have already graduated with my Masters degree, and so have succeeded, academically speaking.

Undergraduate / Optional essay, Aerospace Engineering [7]

"Someday, I hope to take a math concept and apply it to the design of a future
airplane." I'm guessing that designing any sort of airplane requires many, many mathematical concepts.

"I do not want to be one an average kid who takes classes I know I can score high in."

You tell a lot about yourself in the second paragraph. Maybe you could demonstrate some of these traits through specific anecdotes?

Undergraduate / 'HERO, A.D.A.P.T. and the Asian Club..' - UT Austin- Important issue (diversity) [5]

Some thoughts on your essay:

"Over the last four years, I have befriended some of these individuals, learning that it is what makes us different that brings us together." You might want to elaborate on this a little bit, possibly by giving specific examples to demonstrate the truth of the statement. It is absolutely not self-evidently true.

"Instead, these conversations encouraged compromise and conciliation as we willingly embraced our differences in order to appreciate each other's viewpoints" You might also want to give a specific example or two for this, too, though it isn't as important that you do so here as it is for the above statement.

Your third paragraph seems a bit off-topic, notwithstanding your mention of "divergent opinions." Perhaps you could omit it to make room for the examples suggested above?

Your last paragraph doesn't necessarily work that well as a paean to diversity, per se. Experience, certainly, but not diversity: Odysseus essentially went over to Troy to slaughter people from a different tribe, and then met a variety of diverse monsters that he either killed or narrowly escaped from. This certainly shaped who he was, but the violence against most that he met doesn't exactly seem to make him a champion of diversity.

Undergraduate / 'Accepting myself who I am' - UT admission, important issue. Body image [6]

Yeah, this essay is really strong and well-thought out. Normally I can at least find a few things to nitpick about, but I think the other posts have already covered everything. Great job!

Undergraduate / Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose? [18]

You don't seem to need that much help. This essay is really quite strong already. Here are a couple of very minor things:

"By doing so, the causes of the movements can be identified." This sentence is a bit awkward. Better would be "Doing this allows me to identify the reasons behind the movements of various companies in the stock market."

"How demand on supply affects the economy as a whole and firms in that economy." Sentence fragment. Revise.

Undergraduate / Appropriate word limit? - Write a brief statement regarding your educational plans at UW Madison [19]

Some more grammatical fixes, in addition to Kevin's:

"I play two musical instruments, the piano and violin, and am actively involved in the school's orchestra"

"Thus, I believe being in an orchestra prevents people from being arrogant or selfish individuals and trains everyone to have a sense of care and concern for others."

"I also started to learn more about my own cultural traditions by exposing myself to the world of batik."

Undergraduate / 'The consequence of teamwork' - UT Austin Essay (optional) [3]

Well, yes, you could simply say "this fueled my interest in finance." More to the point, you might want to talk more about how specifically the diversity of the group proved useful in meeting the challenges posed by the assignment. You say this a couple of times, but nothing in your essay shows it, particularly. You could also maybe introduce some details of what recommendations you came up with, which would be more specific hence more interesting than your current, vague discussion of them.

Undergraduate / Common App short answer - "Ford technician" [3]

Here is one possible revision that would get you down to the max:

I always had a passion for cars, but I never expected to be able to write "Ford technician" on my résumé at age 17. Nevertheless, in February 2008, I spent seven months fixing automobiles as an intern at Sherwood Ford of Salisbury under the tutelage of Seng Tong, a certified transmission technician. From running basic diagnostics to taking out a transmission, Tong walked me through various maintenance procedures. He always stressed the importance of the little details. He said that we fixed cars to keep people safe. If one little detail was overlooked, we could seriously injure a customer as well as others. Tong compared the service department to a hospital: technicians were doctors, cars were patients, and I was a nurse working to become a doctor. This analogy made me realize that pursuing my passion could be a good way to help others as well as to enjoy myself.

Undergraduate / Visual art, Wellesley College; 'my future is ensured' [2]

This essay needs more focus. What exactly is the prompt? You start out writing about your academic interests, then mention people who influenced you, then talk about which field you want to pursue, then talk about why you want to attend Wellesley. I'm guessing the prompt really only wanted you to talk about one of these. Even if the prompt does ask you to cover all of those topics in one reply, you should decide which one you want to focus on and subordinate all of the other details to that element of your essay.

Writing Feedback / review - Position(s) of responsibility you have held [5]

I've highlighted all of the forms of "to be" that you use in the first two paragraphs:

Being an active and energetic person, I handled many responsibilities in my life. The representative of class in school, committee member of technical symposium in college and member of fun-club in company are some of them. The most important are the SPOC in Skillbay and President of KCYM.

In Syntel, my first project was to renovate the portal 'skillbay'. A SPOC (single point of contact) was in charge of each module. We started with the coding after completing the design, but then my SPOC suddenly decided to move out of the company. Since it happened at a short notice, it was not possible to find a replacement at that time and I was given that responsibility.

Notice you use six in seven sentences. This really weakens your essay, because "to be" is a very weak verb. To understand why, ask yourself what you imagine when you hear the word "run," "jump," "scream." Then, ask yourself what you imagine when you hear the word "was." It probably doesn't give you any sort of mental image at all.

So, I would suggest that you go through and replace as many of your forms of "to be" as you can with strong, evocative verbs. You should do this for the entire essay, not just the first two paragraphs -- I just used them as an example. Good luck with the revisions.

Undergraduate / Obedient yet rebellious, disciplined, unruly; this person influenced me [25]

Ah, you've submitted it, then? Well, at least you know you handed in a draft that you spent a lot of time on, and that is generally well polished. Hope you get in :)

Undergraduate / The figure who has had a foremost and perpetual impact on my life. UT App Essay about my dad [11]

This draft is much better than the original. It still tends to be a bit general, though. I notice you mention that you and he work on his Chevy together. Could you expand that into a narrative essay? So, describe in detail one of the times you were working on it together, and use that experience to illustrate all of your Dad's good qualities and how he influenced you? That would give you a unique, interesting essay that would stand out from the many others on this topic.

Undergraduate / Obedient yet rebellious, disciplined, unruly; this person influenced me [25]

This draft is definitely more detailed with better flow than previous iterations. I believe, though, that when you say "when the principle was around." you really mean "principal."

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

Newspapers are an especially good place to begin, because they tend to use a fairly limited vocabulary with predictable phrases. This means that you will see a fair amount of new vocabulary to begin with, then start noticing the same words coming up again and again, giving you the sort of repetition needed to help you get the words into long term memory.

Undergraduate / Texas Common application- someone who impacted... [5]

For that matter, you could just start with ""Should I sell my +8 legendary golden staff for 350 million penya?" which is an interesting sentence that hooks the reader. You could then mention that the speaker was your brother, and perhaps mention that the question annoyed you because you were in the middle of studying for a final exam, or something along those lines.

Undergraduate / Help with making my common Apps essay concise and error-proof. [6]

Overall, this is a really strong essay. You are relating a very specific incident using solid narrative technique. The weakest point in your essay is probably your transition from the incident with Joe to your reflection on the incident:

"As my father and I were driving back home, he asked me if I enjoyed his lecture. I said I did not want to answer.

However, the story does not end there. Over the next few days, I began to contemplate the experience. . . ."

This part doesn't flow as smoothly as the rest. Also, your initial reflections essentially tell the reader the obvious -- you could see yourself in Joe, and so felt bad for doing to your teacher what Joe had done to your father. Perhaps you could go a bit deeper, and talk about how what the incident with Joe really did for you was to humanize your teacher. Before, you saw the teacher as just that, a teacher, an abstract authority figure whose main role in your life was to make you miserable by assigning you tests and homework and by trying to keep you from relaxing and having fun in class. Because of this, you had no trouble viewing her as an adversary to be undermined and mocked. However, when you saw your father being treated in the same way, and thought about how he felt, you began to think of your teacher as a human being, a person with feelings to whom you owed certain moral obligations . . . and so on. This could lead to a reflection on the nature of morality, which could lead to an interesting conclusion.

Undergraduate / The figure who has had a foremost and perpetual impact on my life. UT App Essay about my dad [11]

Well, if you insist:

M y dad. He can be portrayed asis stubborn, meticulous, persistent, supportive, and overall, devoted.

"Although our time spent together is often diminutive " You should use another word here. Diminutive refers to physical size.

"Many children probably say that their dad is the greatest . . ." Exactly. How do you expect this essay to stand out from all of the others? At the very least, you need to illustrate the points you make about your father with specific anecdotes that will interest the reader. At the moment, you are talking in far too general terms.

Undergraduate / Essay : Issue of importance (about a pessimistic friend?) [16]

Overall the essay is fairly strong. As for what you have done about child labor, you list various products that were produced by child labor, so maybe you could talk about how you avoid buying such products, and about how you make sure to research the labor practices of any major company whose products you purchase?

Essays / "It's Only Natural" - effects of the global spread of the English language (argumentative essay) [15]

Definitely an interesting topic that you can write a lot about. Don't forget to also research Lenin himself. A lot of the arguments you will encounter will be rooted in either what Lenin did or in what he has come to symbolize, and virtually all of those arguments will cite facts and figures about Lenin that have been stripped from their historical context, so you will need to learn that context for yourself if you are to make a valid judgment on the issue.

Undergraduate / Texas Common application- someone who impacted... [5]

The main problem with this essay is that it doesn't seem to have much of a point. You focus fairly heavily in the beginning on how you were always in your brother's shadow. Then you say at the end of your essay that you eventually just accepted that he was better than you. This does answer the prompt, but it doesn't really tell the reader much about you, or give the admission officers a strong reason to admit you. Perhaps you could revise the essay to focus on how your rivalry with your brother caused you to improve by constantly striving to catch him?

Undergraduate / "After I took a psychology course..." - University of Texas at Austin Essay [10]

This is a really strong essay. It is well-written both grammatically and stylistically, and provides a specific, unique reason that answers the prompt. Good job.

Undergraduate / My first Essay. how a college education will change your life [28]

The answer to your last question is that mentioning God could hurt your chances given the current climate of academia, which isn't exactly known for its tolerance of either religion (esp. Christianity) or conservatism (unless you are applying to a specifically Christian or conservative school). How likely the reference is to damage your chances of getting in is impossible to determine, but I tend to believe that most admissions officers are fairly open-minded, and probably would not discriminate against you for admitting to holding a belief that is shared in some form by 90% of the American public. However, I'm not sure why you would want to take the risk. The essay is about "Why Empire," and if your religious beliefs are in some way an important part of why you want to attend Empire, then Kevin is right -- you need to be true to yourself. If, on the other hand, your religious beliefs have nothing to do with why you want to attend Empire, then you might want to consider not including a religious reference that is off-topic and that might damage your chances of acceptance, even if only very slightly.

Book Reports / 'symbols throughout the book' - The Stone Angel [15]

Well, you have five symbols then, which should form a good basis for your collage. Do you have a specific number you have to find? Or can you merely elaborate on the five you already have?

Essays / Reality TV essay - ideas to begin writing [35]

Hey Kevin. It's something I've noticed when reading newspapers. When a reporter mentions that someone has controversial views, that reporter normally means that he/she has views that the reporter disagrees with. This isn't always the case, though. Sometimes, if a practice or view is always referred to as controversial in the mainstream media, even the supporters of that practice or view begin to refer to it as such, so I took a bit of a chance is using your original post as a example. Sorry if in fact you are a strong proponent of racial profiling -- I certainly didn't mean to misrepresent your views. :-)

Grammar, Usage / How to enrich my writing? [10]

Another good way to improve your writing is to read a lot. People who are avid readers are almost always strong writers, too, because they are familiar with what constitutes good writing and can mimic the styles of their favorite authors. So, find some authors whose work you enjoy, and read more of their stuff. Try books by new authors, too. And in all cases read actively. If you find something you read boring, ask yourself why. If you read something that interest you, try to identify exactly what it is about the writing that keeps your attention.

Undergraduate / Appropriate word limit? - Write a brief statement regarding your educational plans at UW Madison [19]

The first paragraph is wonderfully written, but has little, if anything, to do with Madison.

"I also intend to participate in organizations and internship programs related to these areas" You should elaborate on this. In fact, you should go into more detail about just about everything in this paragraph, which covers material that directly answers the prompt.

The third paragraph is less well-written than the third, and also has very little to do, as it is currently written, with Madison per se.

The final paragraph is fairly solid, though you might want to mention why you think Madison, in particular, will help you meet your educational goals better than any other university.

In other words, you need to focus more on Madison, and on how your plans involve the university, throughout the essay. Good luck.

Essays / "Confessions of a Student" [25]

Do you mean that you should simply compose the summary of all of the topic sentences from each paragraph of the thing you are summarizing? If so, then that is a valid approach, as long as you make sure to paraphrase the sentences rather than copying them directly (which would be plagiarism, even in a summary paper).