Undergraduate / "a simple trip up to Calgary with my brother, uncle, and aunt" - experience [3]

In that first paragraph, it seems like a sentence is missing at the end. You can add a sentence to sharpen the meaning you leave the reader thinking about. It is cool that you introduce the Rockies that way, but there is no harm in giving a thesis sentence at the end of that first paragraph. It will still have the intended effect. The thesis sentence can sum up the main idea of the whole essay.

It sounded to like it would be a simple trip up to Calgary with my younger brother, uncle, and aunt.

Use a hyphen for year-old

Unless you have some reason for using the word "crap," like a play on words or a joke, etc., it seems out of place. It seems sort of irreverent about the process of applying to the program, writing a formal essay, etc.

I see a lot of great ideas here! So... the next thing to do is look for the main theme of the essay and add that thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph to EXPRESS that theme.

Research Papers / Princess Mononoke and Shintoism Paper ( thesis feedback) [2]

In a sentence like that one, it should be a dash instead of a semi-colon. If the text on each side of the semi-colon could be a complete sentence on its own, then a semi-colon is alright, but in this case it should be a dash because the text on the right could not be a complete sentence on its own.

But that is just stupid grammar stuff. The more important point is this: your thesis statement should be interesting. This is how to make it interesting:

Miyazaki's Princess Mononoke reflects many aspects of Shintoism that support the argument that Shintoism is the most interesting religion in recorded human history.

I don't mean you should write that; I just wanted to give an example.
The reason that thesis is interesting is because it is "arguable."
Google this: arguable thesis

:-)

Undergraduate / "the varsity gymnastics team" - Extra curricular activity on common app. [3]

I think three looks nicer than 3.

This is a run on sentence: All the girls have been doing gymnastics since they were little, I just started.
I'll fix it with a semi-colon:
All the girls have been doing gymnastics since they were little; I just started.

Although there are many girls on the team that are really good, you I try my best and feel good about yourself myself. (Right here, at the end of the essay, you have a chance to leave the reader with an interesting message to think about. What message can you send at the end of this essay by adding one more good sentence?

:-)

Research Papers / Freshman Poly Sci Paper- China and The U.S: Economic Power Struggle [4]

You have a really nice way of writing. Also, I see that you understand the rules of grammar very well. Another good quality is the STRUCTURE the essay is given when you use such excellent PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES.

However, the most important part of structure is the thesis statement, and I don't see one. Paragraph 1 is focused on the population, paragraph 2 is focused on "China is far from the authoritarian regime that it once was," and paragraph 3 is about the agrarian based society, etc... each para is about something different, and they need to all be preceded by an intro paragraph at the beginning of the essay. What is the MAIN point being made in the essay? Even if it is intended as a big, comprehensive overview, it is good to establish one clear, memorable theme for everything you write.

You have a lot of potential as a writer!! We could use your help

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page

Research Papers / Paragraph about "Cause of Unemployment in Cambodia"- feedback [5]

Most of Cambodian people are...
or
Most of the Cambodian people are ...

(Above) You can choose either option, depending on which you like. :-)

The next cause is the education system in Cambodia.

Providing not enough inadequate quality of education, some schools can ...

This is how to use the English grammar rule called "number agreement"----> Therefore, many people suddenly lose their jobs . ----people and jobs are both plural nouns.

This kind of activities activity helps nothing but ... kind and activity are both singular nouns.

:-)

Graduate / "Mathematics student enthusiastic about economics" - SOP for economic Ph.D. program [3]

How do these agents interact, and how do they make their decisions?

Specialized is the wrong word here:
In fact, my perception of game theoretical features of economics and modeling agents' knowledge has specialized throughout...
Oh, I know what to do:
In fact, my perception of game theoretical features of economics and modeling agents' knowledge has become specialized throughout during my involvement

I am impressed by the fact that how mathematical logic got me ...

This is a VERY well constructed sentence, very artfully constructed: Studying game theory, especially modeling knowledge, got me familiar ...

You need another apostrophe
Indeed, the basic idea of game theory in describing a situation in which agents' well-being are affected by the others' action

The essay seems to end abruptly. How about adding a conclusion paragraph that expresses the main theme of the essay. Also, as I look to the beginning of the essay I see no clear main idea for the essay either. Is there a perfect word or term for the reader to associate with your outlook? What word or term would you choose as your theme? Add it to the thesis statement in paragraph 1.

:-)

Scholarship / "Knowledge" - SOP for scholarship Master's in Software Engieering? [2]


This does not really mean anything. It probably means something to you, but the meaning is not transmitted to the reader. [Collecting more] knowledge is not necessarily the best way to enhance skill, and "advanced studies" is not a very specific term. Are you just referring to college in general? I think this first sentence should be replaced with one that expresses a THEME for the essay.

The last sentence of the first paragraph is also very important. Software engineering is one of the major areas of Computer Science where you can study the life cycle and development phases of software, and that is meaningful to me because ___________________ (add something that makes this sentence express the message of the essay).

You have a lot of great concepts in this essay. I think readers are going to appreciate it and know how serious you are. I hope my criticism above is helpful and not discouraging!

Graduate / "Colombia is known for kidnapping, cocaine and FARC" -Master in Public Administration [2]


It is important to cite the source when you say something like this.

This is a run on sentence:
Well is not enough to believe that things will be better; it is necessary to make them better. ---I fixed it with a semi-colon.

And that is what I want to dedicate my life to. You know, I think this is implied. I think you can replace this sentence with a sentence about a concept very specific and meaningful to you, and central to the theme of this essay.

Let's make a small change here, too: Working on these challenges, is where I want to develop follow the rest of my professional path.

I'll add "also" here: I can't think of a more effective way of inspiring others than sharing not only knowledge but also life experiences.---but actually, I think this sentence is not quite right for expressing what you are trying to express. I don't know exactly what you mean, but I don't think this is clear or poignant. The rest of the essay is, though! This really demonstrates good intentions and deep understanding.

Undergraduate / NUS ADMISSION - talent for a top school, a personal experience or an activity [3]

Hello Hoang, I'll help with some of those grammatical errors, and I hope you practice typing and speaking every sentence 10 times so that your brain will be reprogrammed with correct grammar:

Both my mom and dad are teachers at top prestigious schools, and my brother was a top student of a (name of university) in Japan.

Being born into such a family gave me a lot of high expectations to satisfy.

Things always the same in my family with regard to education: The top school must be mine.

The sky seemed to have fallen, and the earth seemed to have gone to space.

I don't even know what have I done I did in the following month.

Later when I asks asked my family, they all said I looked like a zombie back then.

Ironicly,when I fail,I fail miserably, but when I success succeed, I win in a big way.

Hard work and determination will help you achive me to achieve my goal, and even if I fail at some point I will keep working hard and still achieve my ultimate goal.

:-)

Undergraduate / "His name was Cecil, a Southeast African" - a person who had an influence on you [4]

...so I stabbed the ground with all I had. could .

or
...so I stabbed the ground with all the strength I could muster.

Use commas for compound sentences:
What was then a daunting task now became sufficiently easier, and through Cecil's guidance I was able to persevere. Cecil was always smiling, and he never seemed irritated or angry.

I was surprised, because in a country...

Keep it in the past tense: What I didn't have and what I really longed for is was neither money nor fame, but the quality time I got to spend with other people.

:-)

Undergraduate / UBC Supplements: "The story of The Last Supper" + "Tutorship in Dabie Mountain" [4]

To begin with my own story, the story of The Last Supper must be told.---is it better without "with"... ?

I like your way of thinking and reflecting as you write! Here is a place to maybe take out an extra word:
But I've never escaped from the gravity of such thoughts.

For the second essay, I think you do need to write it in a different way. Your instincts are right! They want to know you have a serious plan... a detailed, serious plan. They want to know how you think about your studies and your chosen careers, etc. Write about several specific goals, and impress them with the number of short term goals you have and the work you are already doing to achieve them.

(I do like your second essay; I just think it is strategically better to expound your scholarly intentions in an intense discussion of goals.)

Undergraduate / "the academics is the most important" - Why Tulane essay. [3]


This is not a good thing to say, because it is to be expected that the most engaging qualities of an academic institution should be academic programs. You should use the essay to share meaningful ideas, not simple ones.

What is it about this school that makes it a better place to sample many different fields?

I think you should focus on the business management plan and write about opening many doors of opportunity rather than about sampling various subjects. It is great that you are interested in many subjects, but you should still show that you are driven, determined to accomplish some specific goals.

:-)

Undergraduate / "until I met Victoria" - Essay about changing as a person. [5]

Third grade is when this all began, after I had moved. I had a new start with everything. this part is very discouraging to the reader, like when someone breaks out the photo album and starts to show you all the pictures that ever were taken.

This is a better beginning to that second paragraph:
The day I met Britney my life turned upside down. She quickly became my best friend. I've I had never had a best friend before, so it was all new to me.

Here is another place you need to use that past perfect verb tense:
Not much time went by when I met Libby.
Not much time had gone by when I met Libby.

Here at the end, this is not very meaningful: "...helped me change as a person and stay strong." ---I think you can dig a little deeper and make an observation that will help a lot of people gain insight into friendship. You write very well, but I think near the beginning and end of the essay you should write a sentence that clearly expresses the main concept you are sharing.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Chinese culture"-University of Washington short response [2]


This is interesting, but I think you should add another sentence to the introduction paragraph. It is such a short paragraph! And there is room at the end for a great thesis statement that tells the reader about the "moral of the story."

You answered the prompt very well!! And you are a great example of a cultured person. But now I think you should talk more about sharing your experiences. Also, talk about your academic interests and plans for the future.

I could speak 4 four Chinese dialects, don't think that's and that is not easy, because sometimes two dialects could sounds sound like two totally different languages.

:-)

Undergraduate / what does the concept of a global university mean to you [3]


capitalize Catholic.

I see a seed of coolness in this that can grow into a great theme. It's this part about your family being an assortment of flavors. That implies a metaphor about your family being something you can taste, so here is what I think you should do:

Add a paragraph BEFORE this one so that this becomes the first body paragraph. Precede it with an intro paragraph that introduces this theme of taste and flavor.

You can use that theme throughout the whole essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Drama, Debate, Music" - Princeton Tell us about a person who has influenced you [3]

I don't know what this means: through an alienated childhood

But that is my only complaint. This is great writing.
Now, the next step is to be strategic. An inspired piece of writing is a useful tool, so ask yourself what you are using it for in this case.

Based on your purpose, revise to improve effectiveness.

:-) great job!

Undergraduate / "My decision to travel to Spain this summer" - personal experience- Pliability [4]

I agree that the writing style is colorful and interesting. In response to the question about how to make it better, I think you should work on expressing your most important message. The reader cannot remember everything, so it is good to leave a sentence that will resound in her mind and make her remember you and your theme.

Instead, I turned in a new direction and began to search for an alternative, for once allowing myself to explore interests outside of the familiar world of volleyball. (Maybe it will be good to add another sentence right after this sentence, and let it express the message that is more important.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Diversity, Buckeye, education and nightlife" - Why Ohio State? [6]

That intro is uneventful. I think you will probably jump out of bed tonight and run to the computer, because you will think of the perfect sentence to express the message of the essay, the theme you want the reader to remember.

Diversity to me has always been an important issue as I come from a school with over 50 different nationalities.---- coming from a school like that does not mean diversity is important to you. It just means you come from a diverse school. You could revise this sentence so that it says something about what YOU think about the diversity at that school.

hoping to be close to my relatives who live in Toledo.--- None of this. I appreciate all the help you have been giving here at EssayForum, and I want to thank you and give you my best advice: focus on describing DETAILED plans for laying a strong foundation in medicine. Make a detailed action plan that involves Ohio State's specific professors and resources. Describe what you will do with your time there as you study with like-minded aspirants. Focus on that as your contribution, and you will be taken very seriously.

Undergraduate / "Music relaxes me" - MIT pleasure essay [5]

Emerge means to rise up out of it. Maybe that first word should be "submerged?"

Submerged in a cavernous depth ---but then, depth cannot be cavernous, so you still have to rework this sentence.

of emotional sounds, I am moved, too .

gives me the utmost pleasure and satisfaction..--Right here, I bet you can come up with a clever way to express the same idea... a way to make the reader able to understand it a little.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Relate a situation in your life where a personal sense of honor" - UMW Essay [3]


The guilt grew with each answer that I had confidently circled.

This is an example of an essay that is written very well, but then the writer can look back to the beginning and see if the first sentence was really necessary. Let yourself write any first sentence you want to write when you are trying to get the first draft written, but go back later and trim away all sentences that come before the first really good one. In this case, there is one sentence that comes before the really good one:

I walked towards the back of the room to begin taking the test that I had missed days before when I was out sick from school. The teacher handed me the test, and as I scanned the front page a strong pang of guilt hit me.

Above, that really good sentence has action and sensory words... intriguing emotional content... it's very good! So, let the essay begin there.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my school's track team" extracurricular activities [2]


Cool phrase... I have never heard this before...

Replace that comma after the word "obvious" with a colon instead:
...obvious: running hurts.

I'll add a comma below. Use commas for compound sentences:
Why run myself to near exhaustion every day, and why willingly go to a place where you will experience pain? Out first, I couldn't see the point.

You wrote this in a great way!! But yes, you gave a weak last sentence. Cut that last sentence! Replace it with an insight that comes to mind in the middle of the night when you are trying to get to sleep, and you get up and run to the computer because it is the perfect way to express the value of that state of mind you learned during those running meditations.

Undergraduate / Getting off My High Horse -Common App Essay Personal Statement [4]

Dandy's owner, Chris , nodded and responded in agreement.--- unnecessary details detract from the essay's energy.

Nice job here: boots filled with dirt and worries.

Use a comma before the conjunction in compound sentences:
I had bonded closely with Dandy, and it felt wrong to quit after establishing that friendship.

I knew my decision had disappointed Tina, Chris, and my parents. unnecessary

Successfully winning --I think one or the other of these words is enough... both together are redundant.

Even though my father did not support enrolling me in a lesson program, You know, I actually think the subtheme about your parents being unsupportive actually detracts from the message of the essay. I mean, what is the real lesson to be learned here? Is it that everyone has a unique calling and that we have to find our own despite what others think? I don't think it is about you proving you were right and your parents were wrong, so I think you should downplay all that stuff... and focus on the real lesson that can be learned from this story.

This is good, but it is very simple:
make every struggle an opportunity to succeed. Determination allowed me to follow my dreams, and this same determination gives me confidence to overcome any obstacles in the future.---you can build on this and make it unique, surprising, even controversial. Find a deeper part of this truth, and add to the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / FSU admissions Essay "character, customs and traditions" [3]


There is a lot wrong with this part. They should not be capitalized; they do not symbolize but instead are symbolized; "structure and balance" do not really have any meaning here.

Don't write "speculate my thoughts," because to speculate is to think or speak about what might happen. Just write "speculate" without including "my thoughts."

Being the first out of my Biological family to ---does this mean you have a family member that graduated but you still want to play the "first in my family to graduate" card? I think maybe it is a cliche to talk about being the first in the family to go to college.

You should think of a theme that you WANT to express... an idea you want to share. Then, use this prompt about the virtues as an opportunity to write about a concept you can feel passionate about. You are challenged to use one of the Latin words, but you can make the essay ABOUT something different. Make it about a distinct theme that you want the reader to associate with you.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my first production as a dance teacher" - Activities Essay (from Common App) [5]

Every so often one of the kids would look off into the wings to where I stood and smile. ---a little confusing... you could do this:

Every so often one of the kids would smile in the direction of the wings, where I stood.

I know now that teaching dance is more about helping a child children feel comfortable with themselves and have fun than if they can get it is about getting the movements down perfectly.

:-)

Undergraduate / Scientists swayed by the power of public policy. [2]

Public policy that is created by science...---no need for the word "that." Also, what do you mean when you say it is created by science?

Oh.. I think you mean "guided" by science... or... informed by science. This is how I would do it:
Public policy informed by science can...

Also:
mankind humankind (use the more appropriate term, gender inclusive)

see threw through

I'll fix the run on sentence with a semi-colon:
Put yourself in the shoes of one of those 4000 research scientists; you are competing against 3999 other ...

use a question mark: However, what if you mistakenly enter a portion of data and your climate change model forecasts a 10 degree increases in global temperature over the next 50 years?

:-)

Book Reports / Louis Riel: Hero OR Villain? (a letter from different point of views) [3]

Hey, a lot of good points are listed here. Each of these points can be made into a paragraph if you add sentences of explanation or example, etc. It will be easy to turn each of these sentences into a paragraph.

Now, as for choosing the perspective to use, I think it just depends on what sources you have. If you have a few good quotes from French Canadians, take that perspective. This stuff is easy! But I cannot say which perspective would be easiest for you to write from. Just look at the sources you are using, and it is probably easy to see which one your sources provide good info for.

:-)

Book Reports / Atticus Finch, Jem and Scout - TKAM Grade [2]


You did a great job of expressing the theme of the essay when you wrote this intro paragraph. I just think you can find a verb that is better than "exhibits." It seems almost write, but not quite. His experiences can "reinforce" the lesson, maybe.

The punctuation goes after the parenthetical reference:
and walk around in it. (39)"
and walk around in it" (39).

However, an exception to the rule is when you use an exclamation point of question mark:
he works for! (135)".
he works for!" (135)

Cross out that when you can:
...because he believes that it is the most important one.

You have a great, clear theme! But review the rules of MLA for your citations.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Unless someone like you cares a whole lot...' - Spelman Admission Essay [5]

One more idea! Get rid of "that" whenever you can. Examples:

Dr. Seuss said, that 'Unless someone...

...gave my all in every course that I've taken.

Graduate / SOP- PhD in Economics, a natural career progression for me [3]


The best way to get a lot of reviews is to review a lot of essays in the "Unanswered" category, and ask those people to review your essay.


This sentence does not do what it is supposed to do. Of all the things you could tell the reader in that crucial moment when she decides whether to have a positive or negative attitude toward the essay, you can give a sentence that will probably win her interest. This sentence only tells her the name of your econ. course.

The second sentence of the essay is very good, though! It is something the reader can be interested in (i.e. the recession and how the recession can spark a student's interest in econ.)

So... I think you should consider the purpose of that first sentence and choose something great to share with the reader -- to get the essay off to a good start.

Don't capitalize: Graduate Studies.

As far as my post PhD goals are concerned Don't use long phrases that are unnecessary.

I would like to see myself as a researcher and teacher in the field of economics.---not specific enough! You should be writing in terms of the concepts you have been reading about. Again, here:

My primary research interests lie in the area of too wordy.
economic theory with an emphasis on its applications in political economics. ---not specific enough.

I don't intend to sound critical; it is like this: the essay is obviously full of great examples of your seriousness and qualifications, so I am excited about showing you those few examples of places where you can avoid vagueness and long, wordy phrases.

Most importantly, consider your PURPOSE for every sentence of the essay and for the essay as a whole. It is amazing how many sentences we write that actually just take up space, serving no purpose.

:-) Good luck!!!

Book Reports / My essay on Satan as the hero in paradise lost [4]

hyphen: ever-present

Simplify:
inner struggles and his determination to wage covert battles in his war against God that a war he knows he cannot win, make him Milton's unlikely hero.

Do not start paragraphs with description or information. Start paragraphs with bold assertions that support your main argument.
(Precede this sentence with a paragraph topic sentence that makes an argument that supports the main argument of the paper.) In Book 9 Adam faces his first conflict, he must choose

You can fix this run on sentence with a semi-colon:
Satan has many heroic traits; he is a being of mythical proportions that has lost a major battle, but is determined to continue, even though ...

Here is the easy way to make the essay get a good score: Use the teacher's word "criteria" in the first paragraph, and in that paragraph list several criteria that Satan meets in the story. That way, the body of the essay will support a clear assertion that he meets the criteria, and your essay will be perfect!

:-)

Undergraduate / "a dysfunction hand" - Common App Essay [4]

Yes... I was thinking it should at least have a conjunction:
The gore spouted out, the darkness struck upon me, and my consciousness vanished in lacuna.

:-)

Writing Feedback / My political essay on the corrupt release of government information. [3]


If you put "monster" in quotes, it seems like you are actually mocking the idea that he is a monster and trying to undermine it.

the political pressure of every-day life, I think this one should be expressed differently... does not make sense...
the provoked terrorism and aggression of other countries, and the bashing on our outlook of the government. ---these are pretty clear, though.

If you are using MLA, you do not need a period before the parenthetical reference:
our control over terrorism in that region is keeping countries such as Al Queda at bay (Jones). (also, Al Qaeda is spelled with 2 a's, and it is not a country.)

juvenile acts, such as releasing classified videos from the war--- I saw the famous video to which you are referring, and it showed unarmed civilians being gunned down. One soldier said "Light 'em up," and the other soldier started shooting the innocent civilians.

This is a very one sided argument, and it does not really offer much useful information. You should cite at least 5 articles about Wikileaks. Recent articles.

MOST importantly, you should discuss the arguments made in favor of Wikileaks' mission. Clearly, the world is divided over this issue, and many arguments are made for both sides. This is the kind of essay that MUST refute the counter-argument if it is to be persuasive.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a childhood worth remembering" - UVA supplement -- World I come from [4]

Those years presented themselves with chances of getting to learn about the lives people that made my life and my family's life possible.

...and other many other professionals . Teachers talked about students, lawyers about cases, wives about husbands, I listened, and more importantly, I cared. This sentence starts to digress, and I think you should take this opportunity to direct the focus back toward what you want the reader to remember about you: make a connection between the experience at the salon and the goals you pursue by applying to this school.

I still like to listen to others and sometimes offer a little perspective.---everybody does. Sharpen this up at the end, and make the reader have a glimpse of your future as a XXXXX, or as a YYYYYYYY --- your careers of interest. The essay can add up to something more than just "I listen and offer ideas." Instead, it can show that you really are prepared for and deserve to have the opportunity you seek.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Pikachu, I choose you!" - College Essay - Being a Character [4]

This is the kind of writing I would like to FRAME between an intro and conclusion. It came out of nowhere during moments of inspiration, and what it is lacking cannot be added to this extant material without mucking it up. That's why I think it is good to sandwich/frame this between an intro and conclusion paragraph. You need to establish a clear message. This is great stuff, but if you add a para at the beginning and also at the end, you can use those 2 opportunities to give a sentence that expresses the main truth of the essay -- in the conclusion and intro, express that truth succinctly but in different ways. Make it so that the reader can experience all the energy in this essay as energy driving that main idea.

:-)

Scholarship / "when I hear about history" - the subjects with which you had difficulty [5]

I never knew how beneficially small events from history could have impacted my present and prospecting life.

Up until my sophomore year of high school, history has been had been a course with which I struggled.

mathematics related project.

I think you should stop everything and read 5 or 10 recent articles about topics in the field of biomed engineeering and take some notes about what is being written about in medical journals about these topics. The vision of a future in this field is the most important part of the essay, because it is what shows the reader how serious you are and what you are all about. Read some recent articles, and cite them. Use them as examples to explain your theme for this essay. If you do that, you will have an advantage over students who do not read professional journal articles associated with the areas of specialization that interest them within their chosen fields.

:-)

Undergraduate / (Economics has a magical spell) University Wisconsin-Madison [6]


You should trim away a few modifiers. It is especially important to limit the use of adverbs, but adjectives get to be too much, too. Too many modifiers spoil the soup.

owned by one of my relatives .

With Wisconsin-Madison's prominence in academic and non academic fields, I look forward to growing personally and intellectually in this institution this sentence does not really mean anything.

I believe strongly that Wisconsin-Madison can be the most crucial turning point in my life.---This sentence is powerful. I think you should focus on the ways that the professors and resources at this school can help you actualize your vision for the future.

Simplify! I can tell you have a complex way of thinking, so that makes it extra important to focus single-mindedly on expressing your most important message. What is the most important message for the reader to remember?

It is usually good to cut the words "I believe"

I believe the broad range of economic programs which Wisconsin-Madison offers would present me with hands-on opportunities-----------the broad range of programs will give you hands-on opportunities? I think this sentence could be replaces with a better one.

to further explore my passion. Being one who has always anticipated a learning environment where education opportunities venture far beyond the four walls of a classroom ---too many words here!

You have to start by having something to say. You have a good theme, but you need to be able to express in a single sentence this insight about how econ. applies in all aspects of life. And in another sentence, succinctly give an answer to their question about how you can contribute to the community by applying this econ. insight. It is a great theme, but you need to be able to write a single sentence that captures the truth you are trying to express. Put that sentence at the end of a paragraph, or at the end of the essay.

:-)

I believe I would be able to contribute to the ...

Undergraduate / "school pride that I had back at home" - Why Columbia [4]

I don't think it is good to say this:
In addition, the biggest allure is the location. --the biggest allure should probably be professors doing work that fascinates you and pertains to your chosen fields of study.

Being students in a city where art, fashion, culture, finance, business, and media are constantly influenced, there are endless opportunities for pursuing a career (right here, it would be good to relate the location specifically to the field of study that most interests you. Show how focused you are on enacting your plan.and trying to network; there is no place more effective and rewarding to study and to learn about the world.

:-)

Scholarship / Hispanic Scholarship Fund, HOSA-participation in extra curricular events short answer [4]

I think it is aesthetically better to write three instead of 3.

From going to the Ronald McDonald House to adopting a family for Angel Tree, I've become much more compassionate of those unfortunate ones and much more grateful for what I have. (Right here is a place to say what you did with each of those efforts.)

For There is a saying that says, that "For it is in giving that we receive," and it is much very true in my testimony; I've received ...

... friendship of a 4 four year-old ...

...write, converse, and keep:
... write the agenda, converse with other officers, and keep all members...

:-)

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement (Why Brown/Academic Interest/3 Questions for Engineering) [3]


It is not about imbuing the writing with particular qualities. It is about using the right qualities for the occasion. You should focus on an experience you want to give the reader. Have you ever read something that made you feel both admiration (for the writer) and inspiration (because the writer's way of thinking gives you encouragement to achieve something meaningful)?

...were heavily involved with research but also with many other ...

I'll correct 3 things here: I have had acquired a taste for innovation, creation and problem solving throughout my lifetime . Flash back to eigh t years ago, and...

You did a great job of expressing enthusiasm and curiosity, personality... very good stuff. Go forth with confidence!! But I'll change one more thing here:

answer satisfy that curiosity and turn it ideas into reality. ---(no such thing as turning curiosity into reality)

:-)

Undergraduate / "How does the world manage to make all of our experiences into" topic of your choice [4]

How does the world manage to turn all of our experiences into metaphoric guides of clues about how to live life? ---I made a small change that you can keep or not keep, depsnding on if it seems right to you. The meaning of the first sentence seemed unclear to me.

Comma, and capitalize: ...the typical, "If you ...

and use a comma at the end of a quote, too:
fall, get right back on," axiom that most riders...

...the answers to my questions about any situation are all around us me. All it takes ...

Awesome. Your essay is so interesting and meaningful. Thanks! I benefited by reading it!