Undergraduate / My life-long dream of becoming a doctor; Education/Career Goals/Reason for major [2]

The essay is OK, a bit on the light side for med school i.e. your childish ideology led you to choose medicine a a life-long career. Try expanding a bit on why bringing happiness to people is meaningful. You mention healing hearts and helping others through pain and grief. Do you have a specific medical field in mind? This would strengthen your last sentence. Also, here are some pointers:


due to the experience and the influence of my parents...


Common knowledge, you don't need to write this


graduate medical school?? typo: superficially


This does not make sense at all - do you mean "others from harm?"

Undergraduate / 'Dyslexia and dreams' - On the Fence Admission Decision Personal Statement [2]

Your personal statement is strong. It should only be a matter of scores for you.
Some helpers:
1) don't start with a typo: it's GO, not good. etc. etc



monumental


dyslexics


2)


The examples are too many and LONNNNNG, choose the most meaningful three.

3) Your strength of your closing paragraph gets diluted with the first and second sentence. You already said how hardworking your are earlier. Why not just start with a punch???

My dedication to my education is steadfast and I know that, if admitted to Cabrini College, I will continue to work just as hard as I have in high school. I am looking forward to starting this new stage of my education. I know I can do at Cabrini what I have done at Northern Burlington with equal or greater success. I have proven to myself that I have the ability to succeed at anything I put my mind to in spite of a learning disability. It is my first hand experience as a disabled learner that drives my hope to build a solid academic foundation at Cabrini College to facilitate my goal of becoming a Teacher of Students with Disabilities.

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay- Power of Fiction and the short answer [2]

The l'il baby essay is kinda cute and what Schroeder answers really profound - you could write the long comm app on that alone - that the process and not the end-result of being rich and famous is the pay-off. (but yeah, the tedium of practicing only pays off when the orchestra makes good music all together, not only in the final performance but also in rehearsals.)


I think reinforcing this in your last sentence (instead of "the happiness of creating music uplifts and inspires me would make your essay even better. But already fine as is.

Quick comment about your long essay: You write well and I'm guessing will pursue this in school. I love the topic and it was fun to read. I would have liked to learn more about what aspect of fiction you appreciated other than for escapism. "it's easy to be seduced by its possibilities" What inspired you?


Could the first and second paragraph be combined into a recap your favorite story? Again, only suggestions here - the story is yours to tell and its already great as is.

Undergraduate / COM.APP: Mindblowing experience from volunteering with handicap children! [3]

Very dramatic, gripping and descriptive first two paragraphs. You got me hooked to read on until the end of this paragraph:


how about last effort?
Question: Can boy can now speak after this effort?
And it's really touching how this experience helped you get through to your mom. Is there anyway you could bring her up earlier so we see why the volunteer work is so life-changing for you?

Undergraduate / Chemistry Major-UC Prompt #1 Transfer Student [2]

For the first half of your essay, I was confused thinking Pharmacology was your intended major. I believe it is only possible to do this in grad school - and that you would need to qualify with a Chemistry major. So wouldn't it make sense for you to flip around your essay and talk about your love for Chemistry upfront?

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement Essay -- the Metaphysical Musings of Martin Heidegger [3]

This is the first time I heard about this Heidegger essay - and that he refers to technology or machines as metaphysical. Congrats!!Not boring at all, but intriguing essay.

Questions:
Are these two terms specifically coined by his essay? Couldnt understand what you meant:




It would make the ending much stronger if you said which disciplines of study you look at so profoundly differently now as a result of understanding the essay.

Undergraduate / "I saw how more reliable and cheaper technology could help..."UC prompt #1 [3]

Your essay forum title drew me to read it - how more reliable and cheaper technology could improve medical help in third world countries ..."

I thought "What a great subject and combination for a major"" But then I didn't really get the answer (of your intended major) until almost the end of the essay. It is important to answer the prompt from the first sentence to better focus the reader on where you are going and makes it easier to follow your examples. Only by the time I got to the example of the CAT scans could I conclude that you were interested in medical equipment technology, but then you said work in "biological sciences" is appealing.

I think it would make the essay more focused (and powerful) if you could specify if you were more interested in medical technology or medical care.

For your closing example - what is "carbon fullerenes" please explain. And who is the WE you refer to below (in red:)

Undergraduate / Culture Essay - U of M [3]

Very touchy-feely essay (I could smell your Oma's pies and almost taste her marmalade.) You give the reader a nice experience, comparing your German vs. US experiences. The concluding sentences (valuable lesson) read well but weren't backed up by your previous examples (unless the new places you explored the local part, movies, laser-tagging? ) Also, don't forget the second half of the prompt!

Undergraduate / "Being an international student" - RC Prompt [2]

It's a good personal statement, you sound very dedicated and your writing flows easily. English is not really my first language either but here's some little re-sequencing for you to consider:

Undergraduate / my philosophies on "gross national happiness" [4]

There you go - you've expressed your personal philosophy on how to measure a country's success more precisely, proportioned half/half between the government's macro efforts versus people's happiness as measured from sentiment, mood, feeling of security.


Now you have to address the second "half" of the prompt.
Tell us why you believe it could be used to evaluate a country's success.

Undergraduate / my philosophies on "gross national happiness" [4]

What a great prompt - it gives you the opportunity to express your personal philosophy on happiness. You raise many good points. However, I lost my way getting to your personal philosophy - by the end of the essay, I still don't know what it is.

Your first and second sentences don't outline your philosophy:


And what I understand from your last sentence is only that you believe governments are responsible for a country's success (based on the criterion you listed.) It does not answer why you believe your personal philosophy could be used to evaluate a country's success.


Could you post the outline you used for this great essay? It will help to see how you organized it.

Undergraduate / Paint a verbal portrait of an ideal physician... [4]

You've really improved the essay by recounting vividly the experience you had at 11. It could be much better if you closely relate the verbal portrait with your example (to comply with the prompt.) The ideal you wrote doesn't read convincingly (from the example that is supposed to have "helped you shape this ideal." The two seem to be disassociated.

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]

Hey, just saw this too (buried under the rubble.) I wrote this quickly so hope this is still in time!!:)

The prompt "analogous and antithetical" is basically compare and contrast in fancier terms, no worries here. And I interpret the "ambiguity/uncertainty of characters" to refer to the many roles and contradictions of the characters. I think you have gone in depth to answer both - I really liked your analysis of the final courtroom scene when Shylock receives his sentence. Where you might need to add some weight is for the final prompt:

"Finally, decide on the larger point Shakespeare is making through such a construction"

Your conclusion of Shakespeare not reaching "any conclusions, but would rather the audience members explore their own beliefs" is good - but doesn't answer what you think he hopes to achieve/convey from the structure (construction) of the plot and characters.

Antonio is neither the hero nor the villain, Shylock is detestable and sympathetic at the same time, and the justice system cannot be relied upon to right society's wrongs.

i.e. here you describe the character of the characters. Should you also include an analysis of the construction of the charecter's relations in the plot? I'm just trying to double guess your teacher here. Mine stressed a lot on structure of charecters in Shakespeare's works.

Oh and if you didn't already catch this typo:

Graduate / LSE application, for Dev Studies, personal statement [13]

What a lot of achievements you have. And passion! Although I only really "heard" your voice in the next to last paragraph (starting with "As an African woman///") You clearly have the key qualification, so it's only a matter of presentation. I got a bit lost in the lead in paragraphs as you have so many accomplishments. Maybe focussing on the most compelling few would help the reader get to know you better?? Also, I got lost in the numbers i.e.

Undergraduate / Psych Major/Volunt Exp/Mothers PhD influence? - UC Transf. Prompt 1 & 2 [5]

Your essays are good! I'm surprised how much you were inspired by your mother. You clearly share her passion. Was there another major influence? Your volunteer work is impressive.

Clarification and wording:


The second essay is OK without mention of 3. Just two little suggestions:
hard time focusing on a single goal. WAS THIS THE DISAPPOINTMENT YOU STATE IN FIRST SENTENCE? IF NOT, BE SPECIFIC HERE.

I witnessed Mr. D's grin that day. HOW ABOUT OTHER DAYS (SO IT CONFIRMS THAT HE WAS INDEED RESPONDING POSITIVELY CONSISTENTLY.

Undergraduate / UC Essay #1: My family and my dreams [5]

Sorry, but not so convincing. I expected you to write about rebelling at this point...
"Every time I abandoned my work, quickly defeated by any challenges or difficulties, my sister would remark haughtily but encouragingly, "You gave up already?" Through every tribulation, my family helped me utilize my latent capabilities and intelligence through self control, drive, and work and taught me how perseverance and diligence can lead to success."

THIS IS MOTHERHOOD. DID YOU REALLY BUY INTO THIS?? IT WOULD BE MORE INTERESTING TO READ WHAT YOU REALLY THOUGHT.

Essays / Shoppers: Division/Classification Essay [3]

What is the subject? Statistics? Marketing? Sociology?
If it is due tomorrow and all you have figured out to talk about 3 classifications, then I suggest you define what kind of shopper you have in mind in your opening paragraph (typical grocery shopper, Sarah Jessica for Manolos? a dude shopping for cars?) If your essay about consumerism, unique selling product features or economics, you will have to define accordingly.

Essays / Argumentative essay about interracial marriage - thesis statements [3]

(No way - This can't be an admission essay!!)
My interpretation of the prompt is this: interracial marriage is as right or wrong as same race marriage. My next question is: What is this thesis for? It clearly does NOT have two debatable answers (i.e. one sensible answer.)

Undergraduate / Paint a verbal portrait of an ideal physician... [4]

You are not showing but telling with this:
An ideal physician is compassionate and would express selflessness to all of his patients. Although he may be fatigued or concerned with other matters, the wellbeing of his patients should be his primary goal while in the workplace. A physician must also be optimistic, but he must always tell the whole truth regarding any situation. His sole purpose while on the job is to care for and help patient I have been cared for by many doctors and hospital staff members that have some of these ideal qualities. Their benevolence and altruism is the reason that I am alive today.

Try to describe the doctor you had as a newborn, instead of making generalities. Did you have a good pediatrician? (I do and I could describe her for this essay. She's the ideal physician who spends more time listening than talking, who takes time to explain her diagnosis is, who has a great sense of humor.) Try to bring this ideal to life relating to you as a person...

Undergraduate / "I was born in a business environment" - UC Prompt [4]

The first half of your essay was focused and answered the prompt (if business was your intended major) but after the first sentence of the second paragraph, you went off somewhere else. The prompt you wrote asks you to "Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement"

No mention of the above...

Speeches / Do men and women have similar goals in life?! Hey guys, help me edit(: [3]

I'm not what this is for but there are some easy edits (and I am not a guy) so - maybe my help is not appropriate to help here. But from my perspective, here are a few suggestions meant to improve your essay:


WHAT IS COURIER??





I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS TIES IN TO THE PROMPT - WAS THIS WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO? JUDGE WOMEN OF THE 21ST CENTURY??


LUBRICATE!!????? WHAT IS THAT?


NO CLUE WHAT THIS IS EITHER...

Graduate / Admissions essay for masters in chemical engineering [10]

You present yourself well. Your essay flows nicely until the fourth to last section. The sequencing gets confusing here as you were talking about the past and here you introduce your future aspirations. How about starting with your new interests in new technology that in your third year (is it your last or do u have one more?) and why:

Carbon dioxide capture and sequestration was a study project I took up in my third year etc. and end with ...
a graduate degree is essential for me to be an integral part of the effort to provide a greener future to my country.
(instead of:)
In my 3 years of studies I found that Chemical engineering always had so much to offer to my never ending need for something new. Being a dynamic field which touches almost all aspects of modern science it has kept me interested and inspired throughout. More than anything it has instilled in me the knowledge and in the process the belief to make a difference in real world situations. Seeing its vastness, I certainly feel that a graduate degree is essential to focus on my interests.

Scholarship / a surfeit of mortgages - BU Scholarship Essay [4]

Interesting essay - the adage "it takes two hands to clap" (better than to tango) comes to mind. I wouldn't go so far as both sides are EQUALLY at fault but that both are at fault.

The comparison is pretty good and helps me understand both sides of the argument. Here a few suggestions on wording etc. Hope this isn't too late and you get the scholarship!!!

And so, since the forms have were already been submitted, the buyer would have no choice but to pay.

The buyers hadvoluntarily requested for the services by their own wills and from their point of view, it is the seller's fault. The buyers would argue that the seller should have been clearer about the price and such . WERE MISLEADING? GAVE INCOMPLETE PRICING INFORMATION??

Or maybe they should have made sure that they would be able to pay the debt on time. NOT CLEAR WHO YOU MEAN BY "THEY" (the industry, the consumer?? different each time?)

It is the fault of the industry for pairing the consumer with a contract that did not match him. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "MATCH"?

Graduate / sincere coments for Sop ms/phd in computer science [6]

This may be a LONG shot: I am guessing that sop means statement of purpose??
If so, my second guess is that you are asked to write about why you want to get a Phd in computer science at ... wherever. If that is correct, then this is all you answered:

While I continued my studies in school, curiosity to know about computers always remained somewhere in deep recess of my mind. (NEED MORE SPECIFICS.)

You might also want to talk about why you want to pursue academic learning in computers (to teach? do reseach??)

Undergraduate / "Small gestures in Japanese Culture" - Common app prompt [6]

Much more coherent essay.
This is interesting imagery. Some suggestions (in CAPS) to make the analogies more vivid and link back to your conclusion that simple gestures of kindness or generosity (gift-giving) are what bridge the gap between not only different cultures but mankind:

The tapestry of culture in the world is majestic; it consists of many bits of fabric that make up the world. Holding together those fabrics are the small stitches that bind everything together. In my perspective, different THE ASPECTS THAT REACH OUT ACROSS cultures are those important stitches. For me, a certain stitch impacted me the most, the Japanese culture of gift-giving and small gestures (??).

Some word is missing here (and correction in red:
From... (??) , I realized that gift giving and small gestures servesD as the basis for building friendships. YOU MIGHT WANT TO TIE THE LAST SENTENCE BACK TO YOUR TAPESTRY ANALOGY...The gifts that we exchange will be memories of each other's time spent together.

Undergraduate / "Prom" - Creativity Essay [4]

Am I totally off the mark and miss your "creativity" in making the graduation ceremony a "prom night??'' theme??? To put it tactfully, it was not at all clear that this Prom nite occasion was the graduation event. It seemed to me like combining one theme with another - the only difference being the Oscar like trophies - is this a compelling example of your creativity?

And double check to be sure your closing sentence ties in with the prompt - as well as the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / "A sense of who you are" - Columbia Application Essay [5]

Writing about how you developed over time (i.e. reflected in specific aspects of the commute that evolved over 9 years) sounds good. The third paragraph "The train ride..." could be your opening.

It's straight to the point.

Undergraduate / Art of mind; Nine types of intelligences [4]

It's an interesting essay about your unique approach to artistic ability and I really loved what you expressed in the last sentence of the first paragraph. However, the prompt asked you to identify with and discuss a few personal experiences that show your strength and/or weakness in this area of intelligence Which of the seven does this fall under? Spatial, existential?

p.s. I think google has a street map program that does exactly what you described in your second paragraph.

Undergraduate / 'The soccer ball game' - MIT short answer: something you like to do. [6]

Really cool take on soccer. The only part that could be strengthened is to avoid the use of "I may" twice. You can combine the sentences i.e. Whether in the burning sun or soaking rain, nonchalantly kicking... or ...scoring a goal in the final, simply the ability to control. ... gives me satisfaction.

Undergraduate / "the lessons I have learnt from my parent's pasts" - UC Prompt 1 [6]

I like your opening and your diversity should be highlighted in your essay. It's nearly impossible to get into the UC's you listed unless you are from CA (and living in England will be an advantage.) If you are from England, you should mention why going to school in California is your aspiration.

Other than your parent's financial limitations and your successful and diverse boarding school performance, why is going to "university in America; something that has always been a dream of mine." Why is it for you "the best and broadest education available worldwide, both in terms of the curriculum and the life lessons I would learn along the way"

One typo:
I started to realise (REALIZE) the value

Undergraduate / Actuary - ctive person, sport - Statement of purpose (why they must choose me) [3]

UT Austin is an excellent school.

Playing admissions officer, I think you stand a strong change of getting in. Your essay is fine even with small language errors. I won't try to perfect it - just give you feedback on the important parts:

1) In this case my dream is a little bit simpler. (IN MY CASE, THE DREAM IS A...)
2) In my opinion, a good startup (DO YOU MEAN A STARTUP COMPANY??) , reasonable plan and resulting completion are the basis for everything we (YOU STARTED WITH THE "I" PRONOUN) do. Therefore when I wake up everyday in the morning, I determine the goals which I need to achieve today, I make my own plan. The new day has started, I am ready to squeeze maximum from it. I go on and follow the Sun in the sky. (TRY TO MAKE THE SENTENCES WITHOUT USING "I" -IT'S REPETITIOUS WITH TOO MANY.)

3) It would help to know why you choose to study Actuarial Science - it's a pretty specialized field
4) Your final sentence ending: because every moment is the choice, which determines our further life. (A CHOICE WHICH DETERMINES OUR FUTURE LIFE)

Undergraduate / Essay about my life - Common app essay [7]

Zeem, this is a beautiful essay and your life is a very special one (not many people can write of experiences like yours.) It was easy to read through your essay so I only had very few comments or corrections to make to help you improve it:

bounds (BOUNDARIES) of my knowledge

Even though school finished (I FINISHED SCHOOL) three years ago, I still feel the enthusiasm I had for science very strongly (MY ENTHUSIASM = PASSION FOR SCIENCE IS UNDINIMISHED ??)

my blood (BLOODLINES) came from.

I like your ending - but the verb of the last phrase could be different (you repeat "know"):
I feel that I am at the perfect place right now, and know exactly what I want from my future years in college. Now, when I ask myself "What do you think will happen to you in the next five years?" I only smile, and know that I am ready for anything."

Student Talk / Common app - I only 150 words, but a minimum was 250. [16]

Just send the same essay with an extra 100 words. If your 150 word essay was well-expressed, the reduced verbage should NOT have a irreversible detrimental effect on your application! DHL or Fedex it to a specific admissions officer if you can't do it on-line. And keep proof that you sent it just in case they claim never to have received it...

Undergraduate / The Special Needs Student that Could- University of California Prompt 1 [4]

Firstly, this is an impressive resume. Your last paragraph really is impressive and conveys well all you have accomplished (your growth since high school.) It's clearly presented that digital media is your passion and equalizer (i.e. makes you no longer a "special needs" student.) You've worked hard to earn that and despite obstacles (like after high school when you were discouraged because there were no new media classes offered in the community college,) you found your way back to your passion.

The last paragraph really flows well and your voice comes through. My suggestions for the last sentence (besides the correction below):
Obtaining a degree in film/new-media will better enable me to express the human condition through a dynamic medium. In doing this, I hope to make the world we live in a better place. (THIS MAY BE A BIT BORING BUT THAT TO ME, IS WHAT YOU ARE SAYING...)

Today, I am proud to of (to HAVE) discovered my niche.

Undergraduate / drexel: digital media [3]

This is a strong essay. You write well. To be helpful, only minor suggestions:

I remember (THIS REPEATS THE REMEMBER USED IN THE FIRST SENTENCE - INSTEAD HOW ABOUT PUTTING IN YOUR AGE i.e. At 10 years of age, I printed) printing out birthday cards for my friends, eagerly waiting for the inkjet printer to cease its whirring so I could proudly showcase my creation.

With all these years of interest in mind THIS IS NOT QUITE RIGHT , I wish to continue my passion as a Digital Media major at Drexel University.

Undergraduate / "Peace Lines" - Significant Experience Essay [6]

Even in a rush to meet your Friday deadline, I had to read your essay twice to figure out why it took awhile to get into it. I venture to guess that its because of the "it" in the first sentence.

The guide book said it wasn't to be missed.
I don't know what the "it" is until the third paragraph (first sentence.) I am still not sure if "it" is the Peace Line or the Troubles. So any reader who isn't familiar with your topic will probably stumble on the same bump.

and awed (IS AWE A VERB??) at the impressively elaborate

The saying in your second paragraph makes for a good attention-getter - maybe start with that? And you have the opportunity to put more energy in the essay (instead of being like a diary journal) by using as many active verbs as you can (in place of I had, made, could etc.)

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - Tae Kwon Do tournaments and gold medals [7]

Given that you only have 17 words rewriting the last sentence, maybe link it to looking forward to being part of the college team or another meaningful activity? Or linking college to the gold medals?? Be creative!!

Undergraduate / interesting or amusing story about yourself - UGA prompt [8]

Dramatic first essay!! Are you the first grandson? Doesn't that make your being present for his death more important?? More suggestions and pointers for the first essay:

-When I had arrived (UPON ARRIVAL), I saw him, motionless, but still breathing. Our gazes met and locked; his piercing eyes stared into mine and I could see the pain within him. (HOW COULD YOU SEE PAIN WITHIN HIM? MAYBE YOU SAW PAIN IN HIS EYES?) Wow, you were lucky to see him right before he died!!

-I am a representational image of my family. (I REPRESENT MY FAMILY)

-It was I who turned on the cremator (WHO OR WHAT IS THIS??) NOT CLEAR

-My family and I then migrated to the river (METHINKS YOU MEAN CROSSED THE RIVER??)

I also liked your second essay, especially this part - made a verb and pronoun correction:

Being uptight and introverted just restrictS my way of living so I have discarded those characteristics. We (WHO IS WE - D'YOU MEAN "I??") have far more in common

Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay about Tennis help [4]

I really love tennis and have played for my town's team since I was 11 so I can understand the generalities you write about. But how about those who don't play tennis. Also keep in mind that everyone who plays tennis probably experienced the same things (making friends, fitness hobby, self-confidence.) Maybe instead of a laundry list, you can focus on what was the most important LIFE-CHANGING aspect of tennis that (in your last sentence) made you realize that (you) could be more if (you) wanted.

This decision literally changed my high school life, and got me where I am today. HOW? YOU NEED TO GIVE SOME SPECIFIC (CONVINCING) EXAMPLES. HOW DOES THE READER KNOW THAT YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE WHOLE THING UP?

Undergraduate / Common app short answer "Fencing" [3]

Fencing is a good topic for the short essay. You might want to reorder your examples to fit your second sentence on learnings and add in teamwork as you mentioned this towards the end.

Every time I lose a Bout, I am grateful to my opponent for pointing out the areas I need improvement in (DOES YOUR FENCING PARTNER ACTUALLY POINT THEM OUT TO YOU?? Or DO YOU LEARN FROM HIS WINNING MOVES?? OR DOES YOUR OPPONENT SUCCEED TO FIND YOUR AREA OF VULNERABILITY??) Losing has taught me to value the chance to learn and improve from losses more than the fleeting taste of victory. (TRY REPHRASING THIS TO BE MORE SUCCINCT TO HAVE MORE PUNCH AS AN ENDING - LIKE A JOUST.)