Undergraduate / UVA shocking art [3]

Overall a strong essay. You tend to use sentence fragments, which, while they can serve a stylistic purpose, are perhaps best avoided in this sort of essay. So, revise sentences such as "Absorbed by the bleak and minute details; and "the pain and anguish evident as women fought soldiers to save themselves from rape, and men perish on heaps of human bodies."

Undergraduate / 'I love Rochester, but I need a change' - Boston University Supplement [6]

Your two paragraphs do not tie together particularly well. I'd suggest working on adding transitional material that connects the two together more strongly.

Also, "I've tried to stay focused on schools "

Undergraduate / Brown supplement essays (biology and medicine) [3]

Both essay are solid. One minor grammatical point, though, dual verbs that have different prepositional structures should not be combined. So: "in addition, I desire to be a part of an open-minded school environment that values individuality over conformity and collaboration over competition."

Undergraduate / Yale: Your choice essay. "My Gift" [4]

"Now I could, and most people do, elaborate on more specific examples of the trials I've faced but to me, these details are not the important ones." Funny, you added this at the point in the essay where I was getting ready to write that you should elaborate on more specific examples of the trials you've faced. I still think you should do that, rather than saying that you know its expected, but that you aren't going to.

In that vein, you should probably elaborate on the examples you give about how ADHD has been a positive effect on your life.

Undergraduate / most meaningful academic experience (Moral Studies) [4]

Generally a well-written essay. A very interesting approach to the topic that contains a lot of specific details. You might want to eliminate most of the end of your essay, though: "As the study went on, however, I started to get confused. By utilizing the philosophies that I have learned, I found that it was difficult to discern the "traditionally right" and the "traditionally wrong". If I were to use different philosophies on a similar case study, I would have a set of very different opinions about the case study. I consulted my lecturer, to which he said, "The judgment of what's right or wrong depends on how you see it. There's no absolute good or bad." Maybe Mr. Ilyas was right. Maybe what's right or wrong wasn't always the same for everyone. Maybe I should follow what my conscience was telling me." There is nothing to be gained by expressing a sense of confusion, much less on elaborating on it, in an application essay. Perhaps just say something about how you want to continue to learn about the various ways that exist of determining right and wrong in order to better develop your own moral system.

Undergraduate / Last Minute ESSAYS (incorporate chores with a pleasurable hobby) [5]

No problem.

Undergraduate / John Hopkins Essay (the nation where people may be per-amptively executed) [5]

Ah. Um, well, sorry to disappoint, but yes, the last paragraph could be expanded into a new point about history, or it could be deleted. As it stands, it is a conclusion that does not conclude, which is unfortunate.

Undergraduate / how is this intro? ("have 13 ships") [7]

Your introduction is generally solid. I'd revise some of the punctuation in the opening quotation and first sentence, but you are off to a good start. Post the rest of it when you get a chance for more detailed feedback.

Undergraduate / Another penn professor short (nanotechnology) [7]

Sounds good. You have plenty of specifics. Your sentences tend to be all of the same length, though, especially at the start. You might want to vary them somewhat.

Also: "Tell me, I forget; show me, I remember; involve me, I understand." Note the changes in punctuation.

Undergraduate / Why Stanford ("the most brilliant, diverse and compelling people") [4]

Not bad. Fairly standard approach to this sort of thing -- intellectually stimulating environment, opportunities beyond the classroom, etc.

Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplement (choice of school colors) [6]

Overall, you start out identifying boldness and diversity as the two main qualities that attract you to Northwestern, but spend most of the essay talking about the opportunities it provides. You might want to revise the essay to talk mostly about the latter.

I think you might be reading a bit too much into the choice of school colors. You might want to skip directly to the idea of Northwestern being a place of diversity and boldness.

"Scarcity is everything in my intended major of business, so why not develop my abilities at a school whose specialty is breeding innovation?" I think you used this in one of your other essays. It didn't really work there, as I recall, and doesn't do much here, either. Scarcity in what sense? How does this connect to Northwestern? Is Northwestern suffering from a scarcity of something?

"other peoples with similar and different interests" You could really just go with "other people" here, as it is a sure thing that they will have either similar or different interests to your own.

Undergraduate / John Hopkins Essay (the nation where people may be per-amptively executed) [5]

Overall, I really liked this essay. Here are some pointers:

"My passion for history stems from the fact that it is one of the few subjects which allows, indeed encourages , debate amongst its participants."

"Take for example, science. There is no doubt, no question about the validity or application of Newton's Laws of Motion, on Earth at the very least. He was able to prove it through mathematical calculations and logical deduction, backed up with empirical evidence. Some people prefer it when there is a solid answer to a question." Um, actually, science is full of debate. While the theory of evolution is widely accepted, the various mechanisms by which it occurs are still a matter of fierce contention. Most of the science underlying the causes of global warming (as opposed to the warming itself) is in constant flux. There are established theories as to how the dinosaurs died out, but which one is ultimately correct still has to be decided. Also, Newton's laws of motion are wrong. Einstein proved it. The fact that Newton's formulas happen to be much easier to use and give answers that are close enough for our purposes "here on Earth" do not make them either valid or right.

" The philosopher and novelist George Santayana once said that 'Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it'. In my opinion, this is the crux of learning history. History repeats itself; the description in the first paragraph can easily apply to Mao's China as well." This seems to have little to do with the points you have made in your body paragraph.

Undergraduate / UPenn Supplement Essay - innovation matters [2]

You've more or less got it. The first paragraph is a bit disconnected from the rest, though, and you focus more on answering the first half of the prompt rather than the second. Some other things to consider:

"Ben Franklin knew that innovation mattered when he created the University of Pennsylvania in 1740 as America's first university."

"With my childhood dream of being a successful businesswoman, I dare say that scarcity is everything in the field of business. Differences of even the smallest proportions are what separate success from failure." This seems a bit out of place given the rest of paragraph 1.

"This assures that students who graduate Penn are not only equipped with basic knowledge of economics and finance, but tha t they are also fully exposed to the diversity and complexity of real-life international business."

Undergraduate / Why Stanford ("the most brilliant, diverse and compelling people") [4]

A couple of things you should be aware of:

"As one of the most selective universities in California, and the U.S, I am assured that the student body at Stanford University is compromised of the most brilliant, diverse and compelling people unmatched by any other university." You are not an university. Do not misplace your modifiers. Also, I think you mean "comprised" rather than "compromised."

"Not only will I be able to do research in my own field of study but I will also be able to aid other students and faculty in their own field of study."

Undergraduate / Last Minute ESSAYS (incorporate chores with a pleasurable hobby) [5]

Here are some tips:

"Many people do not incorporate their chores with a pleasurable hobby. But when it comes to car restoration for the men in my family, it is a painstakingly long process where the ends justify the means."

"With a little polish and elbow grease, its funny how treasures can lie in places where one would least expect to find them "

"Restoring these automobiles has made me diligent "

Writing Feedback / Paper feedback on Nationalized Healthcare [2]

Not bad. A few questions you might want to consider:

"the lack of health care is a growing problem." For whom? The wealthy? The middle class? The poor? Also, what do you mean by lack of health care? Do you mean that the facilities do not exist to meet the demand? Or that the cost of using the facilities is prohibitive for some of the people who need to do so? Does the existence of that need imply a right? If so, where does the right come from? If not, in what sense can the lack of affordability be construed as problem?

You mention the wait times under nationalized systems. Is it better to have a long wait than to be unable to afford health care at all? Also, could a mixture of public and private health care, as is common in much of Europe, mitigate this problem?

You might also want to talk about what is driving up the cost of health care, namely the development of more and more new drugs and treatments, combined with an aging population full of people who, even a few decades ago, would be preparing to die of old age instead of expecting to carry on for another 20 years.

With the idea of preventative medicine, what makes you think people will accept it. Why would someone want to avoid fatty foods and alcohol to eek out five extra years of senility and physical degeneration? In other words, is there more to life than just the mere avoidance of the grave?

I realize you can't possibly deal with all of this given the limited length you have to work in, but considering these questions might help you to tighten up some areas of your essay.

Undergraduate / Swarthmore Essay... good or bad Idea? too cliche? [2]

The fact that you've ellipsed out so much makes it difficult to critique the essay, but overall you seem to be on the right track.

Undergraduate / Theran And His Problem, and activity writing [5]

I really like the first essay. A couple of minor points:

"The ability to read and write enables children to successfully manage their school careers "

"With these skills, children, and later adults, will have greater self esteem, reducing the number of suicide cases," This is a bit weak. Not that what you are saying isn't true, but you've left out a number of links in the chain of cause and effect, which makes it sound as if you have dramatically simplified matters.

The second essay is less gripping than the first. It's well enough written, but you're telling us facts instead of narrating a story, and the facts that you tell us aren't particularly interesting.

Undergraduate / 'Becoming a doctor' / 'Body language' -Tufts Supplemental Essays [5]

"Not far from the busy city of Boston, I feel that that Tufts will provide me with the active and diverse environment I need to thrive." This is a misplaced modifier. Tufts, not you, is what is not far from the busy city of Boston. Also, you might want to research Tufts curriculum and add some more reasons for why you want to attend Tufts.

You've taken an interesting approach to the second essay. I'd give a specific example of a time you used your listening skills to help someone else, an anecdote that demonstrates the "richness of your life."

Undergraduate / U of I (Academic goals relate to professional goals) [4]

You're quite welcome. Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind. Keep working on your essay, and I'm sure that you'll end up with a superb final draft.

Undergraduate / University of Rochester Supplement 2 (many different points of view) [3]

The main problem I can see with this one is that you are very vague. How exactly will you bring Indian culture to the campus? How did your background make you feel secluded? Why did this feeling motivate you to learn more about the world? And so on. You don't need to answer all of these questions necessarily, but you do need to pick a particular aspect of your answer and elaborate on it using specific details and examples.

Undergraduate / issue of importance (Multiple sclerosis)-needs editting and some points [2]

You talk a lot about the various misconceptions your cousin's wife's relatives had about the disease, without telling the reader much about the way the disease actually works. This is a weakness in the essay, as you should not assume that your readers will know anything about MS themselves. Some of them will, of course, but you shouldn't count on it.

A couple of grammatical points:

"Multiple sclerosis a term I wasn't aware of until my cousin's wife was diagnosed with it. " This should be changed throughout.

"I couldn't bear to see my cousin and his wife suffering like this."

Undergraduate / U of I (Academic goals relate to professional goals) [4]

Some quick thoughts:

"A problem solver since infancy, economics became a natural area of interest for me" I don't know that economics can be properly described as a "problem solver" or has having had an "infancy." I suppose you could be speaking metaphorically, but I rather suspect you are merely misplacing your modifiers with reckless abandon.

"This passion of mine led me to enroll . . ." "It provoked my interest in economics . . ." Well, which is it -- did your passion for economics lead you to enroll, or did enrolling in the program spark your passion for economics?

"I was able to classify this interest into a profession" No. "I was able to see how my interest could lead to a profession" or something like that.

"why we make specific decisions." Perhaps you should elaborate on this. You could even give specific examples of the sorts of decisions you have in mind.

Undergraduate / How is my intro (aspects about GW)? [3]

The first three sentences are unnecessary. The rest might be good, but it is difficult to say without seeing where you go with it.

Undergraduate / Why Penn? (because of Warren Buffett) [3]

Some quick thoughts:

It is undeniable that the academics at Penn are far superior to those of most universities in the world,

I believe in a holistic approach to any subject.

"(sorry for the cliché)" Instead of apologizing for it, why don't you take the time to think of something original to say?

"I sure would not mind being a nerd if study time is spent within the fine interior of the Fisher Fine Arts Library." I'd omit this sentence.

"my fate lies in your hands!" Your melodrama finally reaches the point of out-and-out comedy around this point.

Undergraduate / NYU SUPPS: worked vacations/ family passed trait/ activity an NYU/ song/ ... [4]

The only thing I could suggest would be to focus entirely on the tennis, since you already dedicate half your response to it anyway. That would allow you to go into a bit more detail about the one part of your summer, which might be more effective than a brief overview of everything, but it's up to you.

Undergraduate / THINK BIG; "Dr. Ben Carson, a world-renowned neurosurgeon " - Character in fiction [3]

You're getting there. Some more advice:

"From that page on, I decided that for any task I have to do I would put my best effort and in return I will receive the best." This is a bit awkward. You might try "From that page on, I decided to always put my best effort into every task." Or something along those lines.

"I was able to pass math my math test not with just the minimum." Hopefully you did a bit better than "not just the minimum."

"This feeling of accomplishment in my academics has motivated me to work harder and strive for the best."

Undergraduate / NYU SUPPS: worked vacations/ family passed trait/ activity an NYU/ song/ ... [4]

Overall, a strong set of responses. The first one seems a bit unfocused, but you may not be able to do much about that, given the limited character count. A couple of grammatical things:

"By June 2009, I would have helped raise more than $1000 for the aid of these children." Would, or will?

". . . with opportunities like as the city is." Omit the "like."

Undergraduate / University of Illlinois (academic interests vs professional goals) [4]

I don't know if football and chess qualify as "academic interests." you might want to omit them to talk more about what you hope to accomplish professionally as an economist.

"However, the experience and skills I have gained have not solely been derived from within the 4 walls of a classroom, but also from outside them ."

Undergraduate / Leadership for University of Bufallo [2]

You need to stop writing in abstract terms and start writing using concrete examples. There were people you idolized *yawn*. Well of course there were. Everyone knows someone they admire for some reason. Pick one or two of the specific individuals you personally admired and tell the reader about them. Better yet, provide an interesting anecdote that shows the reader why you admired them.

Likewise: "I began to take the initiative, becoming proactive rather than reactive." Show the reader how you did this rather than just saying it.

"The knowledge that I obtained in the past, I utilized in the present." Ditto.

"I began to play an active role in my school, joining the class council and becoming class representative/treasurer for our school's Respect Team." Okay, this is a bit more specific, but what did you do in these roles? How did this teach you something valuable?

By now you get the general idea. Also, try to avoid using "it is/was" and "there was/were" in your writing -- they tend to make the essay duller than it has to be.

Undergraduate / Common app short answer - Fiber optics (150 words) [5]

Um, what's the point of this essay. exactly? You start out talking about 3-D visualizations, move to a discussion of fiber optics, then jump to watching a nurse trying to feed a difficult patient. At no point do you give the reader any reason to care about any of this. Decide what you want to say with your essay, pick the element of the essay that best helps you to make this point, then get rid of the rest and expand on your chosen element.

Undergraduate / Common app, two essays on music. Which one's better? [3]

Both essay are quite strong. Which one is better depends on the rest of your application. If you already have another application essay that shows you as a team player, but nothing that talks about your passion and dedication, then you should go with the first one here. Likewise, if you already have another application essay that talks about your dedication and passion, but nothing about your skills when it comes to teamwork, then go with the second one. In other words, pick the one that best rounds out your application.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement, taking pictures as my hobby. [8]

Extended metaphors are always a good way to approach this sort of essay. The key is to stick with the central metaphor throughout, though, and not to get sidetracked using other metaphors that distract from your main analogy. So, for example, you might not want to compare photography to a science experiment. It isn't that the comparison isn't a good one, it's just that it disrupts your focus on the comparison of you to the camera. Good luck with the rest of the essay -- I look forward to reading the finished draft.

Undergraduate / An issue of importance to and its significance (Terror strikes) [3]

To answer your question of whether or not you have answered the prompt -- not really. You have chosen an issue of importance, sure enough, but you haven't really explained its significance to you or to your community. You don't seem to have a particularly coherent view of the issue itself, in fact. How exactly do you think the government should respond to incidents such as the Mumbai terror attacks? You mention several responses that you don't support, but say virtually nothing about what you think the government should do. More to the point, how do you think the attacks affected Mumbai, India, the world? What lessons can we draw from the incident? From our reaction to it? Also, you seem to contradict yourself at points. At the moment, the closest thing to a theme in your essay is that people are too quick to condemn and criticize, a stance that is itself both condemnatory and critical. Overall, I'd say you need to take a second shot at this, focusing on being more reflective and thoughtful.

Undergraduate / Common App - "Childhood's just like a playground. Think about it." [3]

This is quite good, actually. Some grammatical changes:

"because our time at the park"

"to glimpse life and my father in a different light."

"I can now break my own fall"

"the joys of watching him smile ,"

Research Papers / Research Proposal (Black Entertainers in Japan) [3]

Wow, this is really well-polished. A couple of minor points:

"Finally, Emi "Amy" Yamada is a fiction author known for her provocative portrayal of affairs between black men and Japanese women."

"This study will cover two main issues but involve and contribute to a number of anthropological topics"

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - she became my "Best Buddy" [2]

Overall a strong essay. A couple of minor grammatical points:

"even as a member of an organization that prides itself on accepting all types of people,"

"it's not difficult for me to engage in extended conversations"

Undergraduate / Penn: Professor and why? 'Mr. Diebold' [9]

You could delete the first part of the essay without really losing anything: "The lack of meticulous memorization, mystifying equations and universal laws that define existence initially propelled me to enrol in IB HL Economics; devoid of any real knowledge. When I learnt that it encompassed a synthesis of math and science and addressed reality, I fell in love with the subject. The prowess of the UPenn faculty and its vast resources can foster this passion and manifest it into knowledge and insight. If given the opportunity . . ." None of this is really relevant to the prompt. You could then use the extra room you will have to go into more detail about what aspects of Diebold's work, specifically, you would like to work on with him.

Undergraduate / Common short answer (Wenchuan Earthquak), content+grammar [6]

Well, this should take care of the grammar:

After the Wenchuan Earthquake of May 12, 2008, I organized a group of thirty motivated students to raise funds for the victims of the disaster by canvassing TianFu Square, where many people stood in silent tribute to the dead and injured in the days after the quake. We made deliberate plans and every person was charged with specific responsibilities. My responsibility was to persuade passers-by (rather than those standing vigil) to donate. To my joy, everyone was willing to donate money and to write blessings on the paper and to adhere them to the banner I had prepared. Over time, more and more people were attracted by our activity and many of them joined us. After days of hard work, we achieved remarkable results. We raised 31860RMB and more than one thousand people wrote encouraging comments on our banner.

As to the content, the story may seem a bit boring because it lacks any conflict. You decided to do something. You went out and did it. You were successful. Stories are interesting when they involve people overcoming obstacles, but in this case you don't really describe any obstacles, just your doing something nice.

Undergraduate / **A Blocky Youth** University of Chicago Free Choice Essay: Should I or Shouldn't I? [7]

It isn't so much that the essay is too childish as that it is off-topic. You relieve a play episode with what used to be a favorite toy, which is actually quite interesting. However, it is not clear that this particular play experience changed you, or that the Lego toys made you more creative (it seems more likely that you enjoyed playing with Lego because you were already creative). you go on to compare the blocks to events that shape your life, but the essay prompt does not ask you to come up with such a metaphor. It asks you to discuss a specific event that changed you. In short, the essay doesn't really answer the prompt, and so, whatever its other strengths, needs to be rewritten.