Student Talk / What is ielts writing? I am confused. [27]

the best way to improve on your writing is practice, practice, practice.
in my experience, i used to read books and write a summary about the book(s) to help me with my writing skills.

Essays / "Write about your last big writing assignment." -Trouble finding answer to topic [5]

you can write about how was your winter vacation?, what is your opinion on your country's election? (i remember this from my political science class back in high school), what do you plan on doing after school is over?, what have you learn from working?

Writing Feedback / My grandfather - Essay for school. [8]

My grandfather was born in 1939 on Hainan I sland, China (places need to be capitalize) . He grew up in poor family, in which he had an elder sister and younger brother. After he finished primary school, the CPC vs KMT Chinese Civil War was happening and the Japanese had occupied some of parts China. (i am not really sure what you mean here.)

comments: this is a good essay and really talks about your grandfather's life. i could tell that you appreciate your grandfather. i am sorry for your loss. wish your family and you the best. i put in my comments in your essay. good luck.

Essays / "250 - 300 word essay on plagiarism in apa format/style" - starting the essay [8]

i'm not done with this essay. i was wondering if this is a good start (it's been awhile since i have written anything.) this essay has to be in apa format.

Plagiarism is using work that don't belong to you and passing it as your own without citing the source. Depending on where you live, using someone's work without citing could get you in trouble. For example, in USA schools, if a student plagiarize his/her paper, than the student will be reported and would receive a fail for the course and will be in his/her academic records. In order to avoid been accuse of plagiarizing, we learn to properly cite sources in documents and making a reference page.

Letters / Letter to Financial Aid Office - FAFSA and CSS [8]

haha, that's pretty funny. i have never seen that question ever on any application. if that's the only choice and it don't apply to you, leave it blank. don't bother answering that question and just move on to the next one.

Essays / "250 - 300 word essay on plagiarism in apa format/style" - starting the essay [8]

english has always been very hard for me. this apa format is a little confusing for me. i have already read up on what it is and still don't get it. i read on some sites that there has to be an abstruct page and on some other sites to use it only when it is applicable. do i have to write an abstruct page or just go directly into the main body or write both the abstruct page and main body?

Essays / "250 - 300 word essay on plagiarism in apa format/style" - starting the essay [8]

i am finish with my essay. not even sure if i did it correctly though. i am really worry if i did the apa format/style correctly and follow the assignment. please let me know if i did the apa format/style correctly. (i hope my professor don't read this. this assignment is due on this friday, jan. 29, 2010) this has to be in apa format/style. the title of the essay is in bold.

Plagiarism is Never a Good Thing
Plagiarism is using work that don't belong to you and passing it as your own without citing the source. Depending on where you live, using someone's work without citing could get you in trouble. For example, in USA schools, if a student plagiarize his/her paper, than the student will be reported and would receive a fail for the course and will be in his/her academic records. In order to avoid been accuse of plagiarizing, we learn to properly cite sources in documents and making a reference page.

The only time we don't need to cite sources is when we use something that is common knowledge, for example you can find the same information or phrase from the internet, television, movies, or excetra. Also, we don't need to cited sources if we use our own created images or notes. To properly cite our sources depends on what sources you use. When quoting from a source for written work, you start a beginning sentence that would lead into a quote that you plan to use in quotation marks. Always make sure that when you summarize or paraphrase a publish work to give a proper sentence that would include the source to avoid been accuse of plagiarizing.

Properly citing sources not only help avoid been accuse of stealing someone else's work but make our written work more reliable. A safe practice went typing up your work on a public computer is to never leave a copy of it on the computer and have prove that the paper written is yours incase anything happens. Never submit the same paper to another professor. Always check your work to make sure that everything is correct by having proper citations and reference page.

References: essayscam.org/truth-plagiarism-detection-tools/

Essays / "250 - 300 word essay on plagiarism in apa format/style" - starting the essay [8]

sorry for the double post since i don't see an edit button.
i email my professor and she told me that there is no need for an abstract page.
also, she says that there's no need to write a title page.
my question is on the top of the page, do i have to include title of my essay on the left side ( if so, does it need to have the words running head: title of essay or just the title of essay) and on the right side the page number? how should i should i set up the top with my name and stuff?

something like this for the (top of) first page
running head: PLAGIARISM IS NEVER A GOOD THING page number

Name
Date
Professor
University

Plagiarism is Never a Good Thing

blah blah blah (essay goes here)

Research Papers / Writing an Annotated Bibliography using 3 articles in APA format/style [6]

could someone proofread it? it's in apa format.

Lane, C., Fischman, M., Hart, M., & Reeve, T. (2000). Manipulations of sensory information: A test of the hypothesis of redundancy of knowledge of results. Perceptual and Motor Skills, 91(3, Pt 2), 1106-1112. doi:10.2466/PMS.91.7.1106-1112.

This article is about lowering the size of information gathered from the senses that is shown in the task. The study presents if the size of information gathered from the senses is reduced and see if it would increase the understanding of the outcomes. The authors used an expected task that which shows the participant an average of 12 lights for a variable period of time. Then the participants were tested by having them recall the information at a later time. The conclusion is that it doesn't matter whether there is a varied or not size of information gathered from the senses because the performance of the task was good as long as the understanding of the outcomes is there. I would use these article to show that the participants learn better by having the results in front of them.

Moreno, R., & Mayer, R. (2002). Verbal redundancy in multimedia learning: When reading helps listening. Journal of Educational Psychology, 94(1), 156-163. doi:10.1037/0022- 0663.94.1.156.
This article discusses whether or not words on the screen would help in the learning environment when explaining. The studies use only speaking and/or speaking and shown words on screen. The authors did three experiments where each experiment had two images to compare or images with voices in order to see if the participants could retain more of the information. The conclusion is that speaking and/or speaking and showing the words on screen better help with understanding the material. I would use these article to show that the participants are able to retain information that is shown on the screen.

Schmidt-Weigand, F., Kohnert, A., & Glowalla, U. (2010). A closer look at split visual attention in system- and self-paced instruction in multimedia learning. Learning and Instruction, 20(2), 100-110. doi:10.1016/j.learninstruc.2009.02.011.

This article is about whether or not the material can be learned from writings or pictures. The study shows that when the participants watch the words on screen with spoken words, there was spent longer time looking at it then just reading the words on screen. The authors did two experiments wherein each experiment had either shown a video with varying speeds or the speed the participants wanted. When the participants viewed the video on fast or slow speed, it has shown that they keep an eye on the images whereas when viewing the video at their own pace it was shown that they took longer times reading. The conclusion is that words on screen with spoken words follows the writings that are on the screen. I would use these article to show that the participants pays more attention to what's on the screen then what is written.

That learning does not happen based on speed, but how they study or are presented learning materials. Showing materials on the screen helps the participants understand the material better since it's more interesting then just reading written words. When the participants are shown words and images on the screen, they can better grasp the concept faster rather then just listening to the speaker talking and figuring out how to spell unknown words.

Research Papers / Writing an Annotated Bibliography using 3 articles in APA format/style [6]

i was wondering, do i need to cite the article for these sentence, "Lowering the size of information gathered from the senses that is shown in the task where the participants use their hand and place over the "Bassin Anticipation Timer", with "16 red light-emitting diodes (LED)"."?

Writing Feedback / "never thought college was important at all" - Cause and Effect [4]

Comments: So far, it's ok. I think you should expend more on your essay. It's a bit short but if it's ok with your professor, it's fine. I think you should write a good first sentence to grab the viewers attention (drawn to your essay). That first sentence didn't really grab my attention. You can write something like on why you didn't think college was important before but now it is and want a better future. How will college help you make new friends and new things? Don't forget to create a title for your essay. I left some comments in your essay, it's in italic.

Writing Feedback / 'just a typical teenager' - Creative writing Who am i? essay [5]

The obvious answer to this question is that I am a senior in high school. But this doesn't define who I am in person, the answer to the question cannot be found in a person birth certificate, his/her religion or his diploma, but it is found in a person heart and soul of a person

I am just a typical teenager, who loves the technology and fun? our world has adapted in the 21st century. I was born in India, Bombay in a Muslim family, just five pounds, always crying and ready to take pictures. I grew up in a normal sized house with a mother, father, and one siblingsisterit's up to you if you want to use sibling or sister. I notice that you say so I put that in.. My parents got divorced when I was in third grade, it was a big step for my mom, but I was glad my mom was freed from a tormented life. Even though I've been through tough times, I managed to have a pretty normal life, my mom took care of us in any way possible, and she gave up her life dreams to pursue ours.

My grandparents were open minded people who believed in offering my mom a chance to pick her future, however living in India limited my mother's choices. The society and its traditions were always in the way. My grandparents set my mother on a path that would lead us to America, seeking a better future for her and for me and my sistermy sister and I , but leaving everything familiar and known behind was hard.

Moving to America, Florida was like paradise on earth; I loved the moment in my life, but we had to move again, my mom faced the same economic difficulties the rest of the country was facing. My mom had to make choices once again, as bad economy caught up to us. We had to move once again, this time to Boston, Massachusetts. Once again I had to leave all my friends and family behind, my favorite places, foods. At first I didn't like Boston, at all but, if you lose something you gain a lot. That's what exactly happened when I moved to Boston.

My mom could practice the ancient art she inherited from her mother and learn't from beauty schools, she now works in a salon which she always wanted to do, when she was young. In all the tragedy in my life, I got involved in various arts from India, I never liked before heena tattooing, threading, cooking Indian food and of course taking pictures my favorite hobby. I also started doing a little karate, then dancing classes. And my favorite pass time was teasing my sister, and dominating her.

I have also leantlearn setting your life goals are easy but to accomplish them is very hard, Accordingare you starting another sentence here? to me your life leads you to the path where your fate takes you, not where you want to be. My goals in life were to become famous and rich but now they are different my thinking is different. I want to become a daughter, where my mom can proudly say, "She is my daughter."

I can never keep my mind set on what I want to be, first I wanted to be cosmetologist like my mom, and then that changed to teacher, makeup artist, Pharmacist. I may never know where I might end up. But where ever we end up it should be where we want to be, and are happy with our decision.

Whenever I sit back and think what if I were born in a different family, would I be more happier than now, I always get the same answer; No, never I am very blessed to have a mom who loves me so much, and supports me in any decision I make. This gives me the courage strives to accomplish my goal even if it means that I will have to face more changes and adaptations to new places and new people.

Comments: I see quite a few run on sentences. I left my comments in ilalic in your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - Technology vs Traditional Cultures [4]

comments: Your first paragraph sounds like you are giving your opinion. That should be your final paragraph. What is the main point you are trying to make? for your last sentence in that first paragraph.

Research Papers / Title, introduction, method, results - writing a Research Proposal in APA Format [5]

i have written the part for methods and results but not the introduction yet.

METHOD
Subjects
The requirements were for college level students who were not blind, deaf, and needed to be able to differentiate between light and dark. The population size is about 174 people. The effects size is about .5 and the alpha level is about .05. The participants will be randomly assign to to either the room with the lighting on or dim lighting.

Long term recall
An article, The Roots of Addiction, will be read to the participants. After reading the article, the participants will be distracted by showing them a comedy clip from youtube. After the distraction of a youtube clip, the multiple choice questions will be handed out. The participants will be answering 10 multiple choice questions from the article, The Roots of Addiction.

Short term recall
A given task that has 15 words shown in power point slides. The words will be shown on the overhead projector in the dark room. The words will be random. After all 15 words are shown, the participants will be given time to write down all the words shown on the power point slides that they can remember.

Attention
A task to test how well the participants are paying attention. The task is perform by having three sheets of paper that is single space with random letters in all capitals. There will be 5 target letters that the participants have to find.

Problem solving
A task were the participants are given a logic sequence puzzle to test their cognitive performance to be completed in 15 minutes. The logic sequence is a puzzle were the participants have to think where the balls go exactly by following the 3 clues given. The balls are not in the correct order. By following the 3 clues, there will be a new set of sequence.

Procedure
The participants in the classroom like setting with lights on will be tested on long term recall and problem solving skills. The task is to read an article to the participants and after finish reading, they will be given a puzzle as a distraction following by a 10 multiple choice questions to be completed. The participants in the classroom like setting with dim lighting will be tested on short term recall and attention. The task is to show random words on the overhead projector for short term recall and single letters on papers for attention. The participants will be given enough time to complete all tasks. The time limit for each task is as follows, reading an article will be about 10 minutes, distracting the participants with the youtube clip will be about 15 minutes, answering 10 multiple choice questions will be about 15 minutes, showing 15 words on the power point slides will be about 15 minutes, remembering 5 target random letters will be about 5 minutes, and the logic sequence puzzle will be about 20 minutes.

RESULTS
Students can continue to pay attention to lectures if the lights are dimmed. There will be no significant changes for the short term and long term recall. Students can remember most of the information for the long term recall, but for the short term they typically recall about half of the information.

Research Papers / Title, introduction, method, results - writing a Research Proposal in APA Format [5]

oh, ok thanks.
the methods has to like match what my group is doing.

Essays / How to write an essay on my goals for the school year / education importance [13]

what are you main goals for the upcoming year? what do you plan on doing that will be different? i how do you plan on passing your classes?

just some of the questions you can ask yourself.

Undergraduate / "a better insight into life at BU" - any other ideas? [8]

I had to be part of the BU community. After thoroughly exploring the school's website and keeping in contact with the admissions office, I learnt that BU was the right fit for me.

comment: I don't think you will stand out among all the other students who are planning to attend there. It's a good essay. I think you should reedit it as it is not within the 5-6 sentences limit.

"After thoroughly exploring the school's website and keeping in contact with the admissions office, I learn[i]t that BU was the right fit for me.[/i]"

What were you looking at? Programs the school offer? Might want to explain more.

Undergraduate / "environment design", Cornell transfer- reasons for transferring and objectives [3]

Where would be my ideal college? I began to think about this question after a semester in my current university. Attending a university away from my family, I have learnt much and experienced many new things: I benefited most from growing independent and becoming strong. I have learnt how to cook, how to do housework, how to manage money, and how to deal with people and matters by myself. Additionally, I have made many friends and joined activities ranging from sports to volunteer. However, I still felt something was lacking, and I had to find the perfect place for me. Reading through the website of Cornell University, I got the answer: what I was seeking is a challenging and competitive learning community, and Cornell would be my ideal place to study.

Two "any"s( any person, any study) and three "open"s( open doors, open hearts and open minds) have impressed me extremely. These five words represent Cornell's commitment to diversity and inclusiveness and the policy of providing endless academic choices. I hold high respect on this. I think Cornell community is really diverse academically and personally. Living and learning in such a community would surely help me grow mature in both personality and learning. I would be proud to become one of them and contribute to it through my aspiration for learning and my unique background of having lived in two countries. Furthermore, the special academic programs of " Co-Operative Research" and " Honors Program"ofin the School of Civil and Environmental Engineering are very challenging for me. They not only stimulate a competitive and motivated atmosphere of learning but also offer students opportunities to combine theory with practice. I love this inspiring environment, which fits my eagerness for knowledge and experience.

Taking a position in government to charge with environment design is my career goal. In my college years, I plan first to enroll rigorous and balanced courses to get background in science and engineering and then engage in hands-on design projects and case studies that provide context and motivation. Since I take a keen interest in solving drinking water problems, I will try to get involved in related projects.

I have decided on Cornell as the next stop of my learning journey. I am confident
that Cornell would educate me into a leading engineer for tomorrow. If admitted I would take greatest advantage of the resources at Cornell and try to become a respected alumni years later.

Comment: I think it's good. Just a few misspell words. I don't think you would need to use quotes for Co-Operative Research and Honors Program.

Speeches / Step by step guide to prepare a speech [6]

I don't think that the last paragraph goes well with the rest of your essay. It feels like it was just put in there. The last paragraph should summarize your entire essay or answer those questions that you have in the first paragraph.

Book Reports / Olive Kitteridge semester paper thesis. [4]

I don't think you would need to use quotes on acts and changes.

so far it seems ok.

Undergraduate / Embracing Adversity as a First Generation American- Transfer Optional Essay [4]

Being the only daughter of three siblingschildren (it sounds better) - fifteen years younger than my eldest brother and born after my parents immigrated to the United States - it was somewhat inevitable that I would be raised in a cocoon of Guyanese culture.

Writing Feedback / "Preventing Herpes" - Current Issue in Public Health using an article about health problem [9]

EF_Kevin
will i was following what the article, sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/02/100222121622.htm says. i was suppose to summarize the entire article as part of the assignment. i get what you are saying. that's what i was suppose to do. i don't want to use words that was in the article.

Writing Feedback / "Preventing Herpes" - Current Issue in Public Health using an article about health problem [9]

This is my second article using the same above directions.
Due: March 23

Preventing Herpes

The title of the article is Herpes Infects One in Six in U.S. and was published in
businessweek.com/lifestyle/content/healthday/636845.html
on March 9, 2010.

Herpes is one of most common sexually transmitted disease that is not curable and could affect one of every six Americans. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 19 million people will be diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease and most will be in the younger age group. Women are almost two times more likely to be infected than men. About 39.2% of African Americans live with herpes which is more than the 12.3% of Whites living with herpes. In particular black women have the highest rate of infection at 48%. People diagnosed with herpes are more likely to get HIV's than those who are not infected with it. The rate of herpes infection increases with age where the age group of 14-19 years old has a 1.4% infection rate compared to those who are in the group of 40-49 years old which has a 26.1% infection rate. This shows that once an individual has it, they will never be able to get rid of it. It also depends on the number of sex partners the person has. Those who only have one partner will only have about a 4% chance of contracting herpes compared to 27% for those who have more than ten partners. At least 80% of people who have it have no idea they have it, since herpes don't really have symptoms, or it could be misdiagnosed as something else and could be spread to their partners. At this time there is no vaccines to cure herpes so there needs to be something to help stop the spread of herpes. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests that people don't have sex during an outbreak of herpes, use condoms and don't have lots of partners. U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests that those who are at high risk for an infection, have many sexual partners, and those who are HIV positive individuals might want to be screened for herpes. However young women don't want to be screened for any type of sexually transmitted disease.

The severity of herpes is considerable in the sense that there is no cure and only medication to help relieve symptoms. Herpes affect those who come into contact with a person who already has it. Those who have already been diagnosed with herpes would be twice as likely to get HIV and pass it onto other people. For people who have suppressed immune systems such as those infected with HIV herpes can cause severe problems. About 80% of the people don't know they already have it. Women are more likely to be infected with herpes and other types of sexually transmitted disease than men. Although it is most commonly transmitted during outbreaks, individuals could get herpes even if there is no outbreaks.

The public health agencies that are involved are U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, CDC's National Center for HIV/AIDS, Viral Hepatitis, STD and TB Prevention, CDC's Epidemic Intelligence Service, and CDC's division of STD prevention. U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is a U.S. federal agency in the Department of Health and Human Services that provides information to everyone in helping people make better health choices. The CDC's National Center for HIV/AIDS, Viral Hepatitis, STD and TB Prevention is part of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention which focuses on public health and safety by controlling and preventing STDs. CDC's Epidemic Intelligence Service is part of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention which is a 2 year program that trains professionals in the field of epidemiology. CDC's division of STD prevention is part of the National Center for HIV/AIDS, Viral Hepatitis, STD and TB Prevention provide information and research on sexually transmitted diseases.

The public health interventions that was discussed in the article is prevention of the spread of herpes. Herpes is a virus that can't be cured and there are only medicines to relieve the symptoms and slow the spreading spreading. Herpes can be passed from one person to another. According to the class lecture, a virus can only be transmitted, an infected cell could replicate only on living cells and there isn't any cures but only relief through antiviral medicines. The preventive measure of herpes is screening for virus and safe sex practices. High risk people should be screened for herpes. Examples of safe sex practices include not having lots of sex partners and use condoms. According to the textbook, the treatment for the virus involves limiting the impact of the virus itself. Also, rehabilitation is the last step of intervention that helps the individual return to their normal state of health.

My recommendations for further action on herpes are individuals should be tested if they are sexually active, not spread sexually transmitted diseases, and know the signs and symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases. Preventing the spread of herpes would help reduce the amount of people getting sexually transmitted diseases. It relates to the textbook for the primary level by reducing the exposure of the disease, secondary level by knowing what sexually transmitted diseases are and knowing what to look for, and tertiary level by using treatments to help the individuals in need. There are people who know that they have the disease, those who don't know they have the disease, and preventing the disease from occurring. Before engaging in any sexual activity, the individual should tell his or her partner about their sexual history and health.

Essays / The ending of an Essay on Myself [5]

i don't know what you have written so far.
i am only guessing for the ending, you can write about something about the present like what you have accomplish, what you have learn, summarize the main points of your essay.

Undergraduate / How to start a Letter of Appeal (so that it's not over dramatic)? [10]

something like state the reason on why you are writing an appeal letter, write about your personal hardship that you are going through and how it affect on your academic record.

Undergraduate / I'm a very outspoken person; About myself-Present and future goals [6]

Comment: After reading your essay, I don't really get the feel that you are stating what your present and future goals are. I think you don't really need to write about the school you want to go to. They want to know about you, not the school. I feel that you are just writing everything down.

Undergraduate / Need help in proofreading my essay to enter a fashion school. [3]

... and some Jimmy Choo black stilettos heels, carr ing a Louis Vuitton bag and wearing some Channel glasses. It took me four years to complete my business degree from San Diego State University.

I have always had a strong desire in fashion and great interest in business. Incorporating both my fashion obsession into my added business degree and experience has been one of the most exited ideas I ever had.

Writing Feedback / "Preventing Herpes" - Current Issue in Public Health using an article about health problem [9]

in the article I read, it uses both African American and black women.?

different types of herpes? stick it where?

Writing Feedback / "Preventing Herpes" - Current Issue in Public Health using an article about health problem [9]

i change it a little bit. some of my friends told me that it was ok and others say it was demanding. what do you do think?

Undergraduate / "definition of art", Statement of Purpose for transfer art student [3]

(...) I know we all have our own interpretation of the term, but what is the dictionary definition? (...)

(...) I love the fact that using one of the most useful items today, the computer, and knowledge of art and design, you can create some of the interesting pieces of work.

Through my years of interest in graphic design, I have had experiences that I feel give me a slight edge. In my spring semester at Orange County Community College, I participated in two internships; one with artist, Judith Hraniotis and one with the art department at Orange County Community College to assist with the spring art show, Input Output. Participating in these internships really taught me what it would be like to work in the industry. My work with Judith was to create a website for her. This was a bit challenging but very fun. We met several times to talk about the website and its progress and what she liked and disliked about it. The internship with the art department was also interesting. It gave me a look at what goes on 'behind the scenes.' I was to help matte the artwork and assist in setting up the actual show.

Not only did I participate in internships but I was also in a competition with my friend. Through the club, Future Business Leaders of America, we participated in the web development competition. We took first place on the state level of the competition and qualified to go to nationals. The competition was very official that it was it'slike more of a business club so we learned how to act in a professional manner. This sentence sounds a bit weird to me so I try to change it.

I have many creative interests when making art. Depending on the type of art making, I have different styles. When creating work just for fun, like image blends, I like to use bright colors and the use of well-known people or objects. I guess you can say that my leisure work is a sense of pop art and well-composed materialism. For example, I created a tour poster for a singer, known as Lights(I don't think you really need to capitalize lights.) , which was one of three that was chosen to be featured on her website.

I also like to create art that mixes simplicity with intricacy. I think that having a really create piece mixed with something simple allows the piece to stand as a well rounded whole.

I plan to continue on with my education in graphic design and I feel SUNY New Paltz will be the best thing to assist in my growing knowledge. It will allow me to learn new things and help develop my creative process. I have learned a lot so far and I know there is so much more to learn. Although my education will never rest, when I complete my schooling, I hope to obtain a job in the graphic design field. I feel like I could be a great asset to a future company.

Undergraduate / Describe a person who has had an influence in you (my tuition teacher) [5]

There are people out there, academically weak. (i don't think this sentence should be there.) I am sure I can be the one who made a difference in their life. Its my passion and desire to give back to the community of what I have gained from them. what have you gain? maybe you can like talk about that?Thank you Mrs Malika for being there for me. (i don't think this sentence should be there.)

Grammar, Usage / English sentence, does this make sense? [10]

you can' t talk s (is that one word? why is that s there?) to my face or have the audacity to put your name on here.

Essays / Cause and effect of financial essay, brainstorm [4]

just my ideas,
children: they need someone to take care of them.
savings: some people might used up their savings on shopping (shopping addiction)

Writing Feedback / Computers and operation systems - My introduction [5]

As computers are becoming an increasingly vital need today (this part sounds really weird.) , companies are competing abouton releasing different operating systems.

comments: are you talking about all the operating systems or just mainly talking about Mac OS X? it is unclear on what you are referring to. it feels like you are just going from one thing to another.

Undergraduate / Match with my educational goals (Seattle University) [4]

Seattle University is a respected university and the graduates are taught how to learn, not just to receive a degree. (might want to rewrite this. it's not a good first sentence)Ultrasound technicians that I have talked to say that Seattle University graduates are respected in the field and are hired before other technicians. (i don't see how this part will help you in your educational goals.)I want to be a knowledgeable and respected member of the community. (i think this part is really unnecessary.) I desire to advance my education by obtaining a baccalaureate degree. After graduating from SU, I will be the first in my family to gain a baccalaureate degree. With a baccalaureate degree, I will have many options available to me in my career as a Diagnostic Medical Sonographer.

comments: after reading it, i think you should rewrite the entire essay. it doesn't seem to address the topic. it feels more like you have written it at the last minute. how will seattle university help you in your educational goals?