Undergraduate / "The Lessons from Soccer" CommonApp: Short EC Activity Essay [5]

So here's my initial draft for the 150 word activity essay. Currently it stands at 167 words so if you could find something to cut out that'd be great. My main concern is does my passion come through enough? Any other thoughts would be lovely.

Soccer practice is something I can not complain about. After an arduous day of classes, I expect my body and mind to be somewhat hesitant toward the idea of having to run around a field shouting at teammates for an hour and half. Instead, I find myself quickly running through Roessler Hall and scrambling for my sports bag, eager to run down to the field.

During the school year, soccer is a daily liberation from my academic classes that can become somewhat monotonous. While my regular classes teach me the intricacies of Reaganomics and asymptotes, soccer practice offers something radically different. I learn about the subtleties of diagonal runs and the physics behind proper penalty kicks. I begin to extol verbal communication while shunning lethargic behavior. Most importantly, it's here on blades of grass that I discover the importance and benefits of close companionships and team bonds. Soccer provides an outlet for learning things that I would rarely be taught in a classroom. How can I resist?

Undergraduate / Stanford Roomate Supps: Want to go eat? [8]

Here's my essay to the Stanford roommate prompt. It goes to 2050 characters with spaces which is over the 1800 limit so if you could find some things to cut out please do. I wanted to show my three traits of spontaneous, bettering nature, and willing to explore new ideas so please tell me if they shine through. Will read yours too so just post the link.

Everyone asks the question "Want to go eat?" but I'll ask it at least four times day, especially when it's least expected. However, please don't mistake my unpredictable probings as merely signs of an endless appetite. If anything they represent my quirky spontaneous nature. I'm someone willing to adventure anytime. I want my autobiography to be filled with chapters titled The Great Smores Cookout and The Banana Peel Calamity. If you ever offer up an idea but studies get in the way, rest assured we will someday do it.

Now, after you (hopefully) accept my invitation and we grab our selections, brace yourself for my running commentary about what's in my mouth. Everything I eat I analyze, praising the dish while simultaneously mentioning its flaws. You'll find that my complaints will often outnumber the compliments. But again, please don't mistake my criticisms as me being a food snob. My assessments reflect the constant "bettering" nature of me. I don't criticize to degrade but to offer room for improvements. I rarely settle for "just good enough" when I know that "great" is in reach. I hate the idea of wasted potential.

Lastly, once we've put our dishes way, you'll hear my voice brainstorming new ideas about the food we've just had. I'll propose topping those nachos with blue cheese and explain why I think everything could use some soy sauce. No, I'm not a mad scientist, just someone with a penchant for exploring new ideas; food acts as a wonderful medium for my experiments. I know almost all about it and there runs very little risk of it imploding in my face.

With me, eating will become our own little adventure, filed under the chapter appropriately named Roommates: No Reservations.

Undergraduate / "To the World" Why Stanford? Supplement [9]

Hi there. I would love some feedback for this supplement. The prompt is simply Why Stanford? The character count is 1800 but currently mine is at 2700 (I know. This always happens.) Some things that I want to shorten are the first paragraph as well as the third one if not get rid of it entirely and then merge its ideas somewhere else. I tried to talk about how the Stanford education would help me in my quest in that third paragraph but for sake of space I don't think I can.

What I really want to know is do I answer the prompt passionately enough? I don't want mine to be the stereotypical "I love fountain hopping" that I've seen so many times. Thanks so much and I will definitely read yours. Post da link.

I've grown up in a community and school located one hour away from a major city and fifteen minutes from the beach. It is middle to upper class and here the sun shines over 300 days a year. For outsiders, my little town seems like the perfect place to settle and it is. I want out though. Though my community provided every physical comfort imaginable, it hasn't given me the variance and assortment of perspectives that I yearn to explore. Everyone who lives here tends to grow up with nearly identical views on popular topics. Overall, the community leans more towards the left but not too much. Sure, it's fine and dandy and all but after 17 years I'm not satisfied yet. I need more. And so, that's why I find it funny that I want to go to a place whose physical traits almost perfectly mirrors my hometown.

I don't want to grow up viewing the world only through the liberal lens that my little hometown has created. I want to widen my scope, see everything through the prosaic of perspectives that I know exist. I want. Stanford. What attract me so much to Stanford are the opportunities that the school offers me in my pursuit of a worldly perspective. With Stanford boasting one of the highest diversity rates among colleges, I have no doubt that I will find people to argue and sympathize with, people whose opinions on current and controversial topics will differ from mine but at the same time be grounded in perfect reasoning. I know I will take part in the Haas Center for Public Service, where I will be offered local and international opportunities to experience firsthand not just the national and global problems that exist but also the dispositions of those intertwined with those troubles. From Stanford, I will also travel to San Francisco, an amalgam of cultures and lifestyles and undoubtedly a perfect place for me to explore.

At the same time that Stanford breeds a cosmopolitan outlook in me, the school's academic programs will teach me a broader academic perspective. Stanford's top nationally ranked departments will challenge with courses like "The Marriage Plot" and "Vector Space Optimization." I will gain new knowledge and also critically revaluate previous beliefs and assumptions. Foundations on campus like the Center for Entrepreneurial Studies and the Freeman Spogli Institute for International Studies will then provide me with the ultimate opportunities to utilize my newfound perspectives and learning.

Though one could assume that Stanford would be just an exact continuation of my current life because of parallels in surroundings, I know much better than that. For me, Stanford represents expansion: a place where I can fully develop, limited only by the occasional unexpected rainy day.

Undergraduate / Let's Crap Detect: Stanford Intellectual Activity Supp [9]

The prompt is: Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

Any comments on this essay would since I'm turning it in early. My main concern is whether I answer the prompt directly enough. I'm also worried about my ending and how it looks. I was running out of ideas. Thanks for the help! Will critique back, just leave the link.

My crap detector alarms were blaring as I read over the "Vote Yes On Measure Z!" pamphlet laying on my kitchen counter. The mini billboards advocating the same message had taken over the street corners of my town, so I felt obligated to learn more about this ubiquitous Measure Z. The pamphlet described it as a nearly flawless plan. Measure Z would allow the local college to build more facilities that would not only be open to residents but also be built without taxpayer funding. However, if my crap detecting senses were on, then I must have missed something.

Oh, sorry for not clarifying what "crap-detect" means. I must admit it is a suggestive term. Simply stated, to "crap-detect" means thoroughly analyzing a text and pointing out any conspicuous points with what it says. My US history teacher Mr. Wiedenmann coined the term and it quickly became an integral part of my learning as I detected the crap out of monumental events like the Vietnam War. Crap detecting transported me directly into history; I no longer watched President Ike respond to the launch of Sputnik but I became him, forced to know the delicate effects that entailed any response. Every "simple" decision by a president was in fact hugely complex and often had consequences unbeknownst to me. That was the beauty of crap detecting, to allow one to see what he had completely missed before.

I reread the details and noticed how the pamphlet endlessly emphasized that only the things proposed would be built. Why the emphasis? What counterpoint had No-Voters created that pushed Z supporters to this emphasis? Not satisfied, I went online to find out and discovered how Measure Z would allow the college to bypass planning laws for future projects. I had found the crap.

Whenever a big issue comes into discussion, I can't help but want to crap detect both sides. We live in an era in which the entire truth is rarely told but for me, crap detecting allows me to see that entirety. And plus, nothing smells quite as sweet as crap.

Undergraduate / "philosophy of embracement" - Common App Main: 40,000 Feet High [2]

Here's my common app essay. I guess it fits under either prompt 1: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you or simply topic of choice. I would love any criticisms and comments. My main worries are:

1.Length. It's almost 1,000 words which I definitely am not a huge fan of. Please point out any things that I can cut out.
2. My ending and the great "impact" paragraphs. Is it clear enough whether I actually show that I've learned something.
3. Do you thing I should give an example of how I use my lesson in everyday life?

Thanks so much. I will definitely read back if you post your link.

The plane's engine drone whispered from the back of the plane as it made its way over the dark crowd of sleeping passengers. It was deep into the night already but my twelve year old self still lay fully awake from the stress of trying to keep my Tourette's Syndrome under control. I had reached a breaking point though. For the past hour I sipped on a cup of water to help relieve my urges to tic, but the cup was empty now and my Tourette's Syndrome was coming back with a vengeance. I hoisted myself over my seat and frantically searched for a flight attendant to ask for a refill but found none. The effects of the absence of water were quickly taking their toll. My hushed screams grew louder each moment.

"Where could these flight attendants be?" I panicked to myself, "Can't they see my service light?" After several fruitless minutes passed, I began to lower myself, accepting the fact that water would never come and that I would soon be public enemy #1, when I felt a light tap on my shoulder.

"This is it, the moment that I hoped would never come," I thought to myself. Growing up with Tourette's Syndrome, I bared with the expected abuse that society threw at me. People often stared at me, yelled at me, and worst of all mocked me. I became familiar with strangers shifting uneasily in their chairs or openly gazing at me whenever I walked by. I also grew used to the occasional heckling, someone yelling at me to shut up or ask in a disgusting way just what the heck I was doing. Though I became accustomed to the derision, impervious to it I was not. There was always that sense of humiliation and shame that flooded me every time someone reacted to my TS. Immediately after I felt that tap on my shoulder, this is what I expected. I could already imagine the disgruntled and drowsy face that would greet me and the angry but sluggish tone of his voice when he asked "Can you stop your screaming please?!"

So imagine my bewilderment when I turned and instead, faced the fair skinned brunette who sat two seats to my left. Instead of a petulant scowl she wore a genuine smile on her middle aged face and in place of a question, she said nothing. Stunned and caught off guard, I could only look at her eyes, which along with her smile seemed to be telling me something.

It didn't come in an AH-HA moment and hit me like a ton of bricks like it so often seems to for Dr. House. Rather, her message slowly grew and filled me with an awkwardly warm and comforting sensation as I unraveled the implications of what she was saying without words.

Her message was simple: "I accept you." By accept she meant that despite the obvious discomfort that my TS caused her she was not going to try and stop me like so many other people had. She realized how my TS was an innate characteristic of me and that I had no control whatsoever over it. She simply let me exist and did not try to challenge me just because I did not fit into the "normal" category. With her, I had absolutely no reason to hide anything. I could live without having to limit or restrict myself and without the fear of her scolding me. To her, I was a perfectly normal individual. With her, I could be me, truly me, something truly rare for me. For the majority of my everyday life I lived under restraints, unable to be the person that I truly was because of societal limits concerning my TS; it was unbearable. However for this brief instance, those chains were let go and it felt amazing. This was the power of acceptance.

The philosophy of acceptance that the lady on the airplane showed me has become the cornerstone of how I interact with people. Acceptance is not trying to mash all the characteristics and personalities in the world into mine, bur rather acknowledging those traits and personalities that differ from mine and not attacking or impugning on them bur letting them exist. I know that there are types of personalities in the world that I will simply never be compatible with. But the moment that I begin to yell at someone for how they act and who they are, I give them the sense that they should not be themselves and, as my Tourette's Syndrome has shown me, there is no worse feeling. I can only hope that by accepting others they will do the same for me. Whenever I do happen to find myself talking with someone whose personality or a trait clashes with mine, I don't show any resentment or bitterness. I act normal, just like the smiling lady did for me.

My philosophy of embracement has spread beyond just personalities to include the acceptance of all ideas and beliefs. Undoubtedly there are concepts that I do not like, from the trivial like strawberries to the significant like the belief that censorship is wrong. However I believe that I have no authority in determining between the right and wrong ideas. Like people's characters, I want all the beliefs and opinions in the world to exist.

I want a world with all the unique characters possible to oppose and clash with each other. I refuse to let myself and others become genetic models filled with characteristics and opinions that society deems as "acceptable," because what can I learn from that? I want to be constantly questioning my beliefs, and it all begins with having things that exist to challenge me. It all starts with accepting.

Undergraduate / "the interconnectedness of the Core" What Appeals To Me About Columbia [4]

First off, thank you so much for your time for looking at this supplement. I would love some serious criticism because I know that I talk about things alot of people probably will but these honestly are what attract me to Columbia the most. My thing is around 1700 words so if you see spots for change please share. Thanks again and link me your essays and I will surely read them.

PS: Yeah, I know the ending is terribly cliche and sappy. Any ideas?
PSS: I wanted to go into detail about why I want Columbia for my engineering major but I mean, isn't that what the engineering essay is for?

After trudging up and down the East Coast for several days, bogged down by spring showers, I arrived at the gates of Columbia drenched not in water but in sunshine. The clouds had surprisingly opened up, as if someone up above wanted me to view Columbia in its entirety. The silence among the university's buildings startled me first. Having just adjusted to the outside blur of car horns and footsteps, I was delighted with this calmness, not just because it was immediate relief but because such a thing existed in New York City. Columbia would become my sanctuary. Then came the buildings themselves. The mesmerizing bricks of the undergraduate housing contrasted against the stunning granite of Low Memorial. I can't imagine myself forming world-shattering theories or having overflowing study parties anywhere else than on the steps of Low and in the halls of Hartley.

I'm also in love with the intellectual offerings that lie under Columbia's façade, most notably the Core. I love the rigidity of energy conservation while at the same adore the nuances of Invisible Man. I engross myself into readings about the Cuban Missile Crisis as well as articles about street fashion. The Core allows me to maintain my obsessions while simultaneously helping me discover new ones. It'll expose me to aspects I haven't seen yet of the subjects that I love. Most importantly to me though is the interconnectedness of the Core. Not just the one on campus, but the one that encompasses every Columbia alumni. I want that experience of seamlessly conversing about the Symposium by Plato with a graduate from four decades ago. For someone like me who revels in meeting and interacting with people, the Core stands unrivaled.

Each day in Columbia will be me living the life I love.

Undergraduate / "The Eccentricity" Why Brown Supplement [4]

Here's my answer to the Brown prompt of Please tell us more about your interest in Brown. Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?

The limit is supposed to be 1000 char and currently mine's at 1047. I'm not too worried but it'd be helpful if you could point out a thing or two to shorten. My aim was to not talk about the New Curriculum and stereotypical stuff that everyone else seems to do. Opinions, criticisms, anything would be loved. Thanks!

I remember that I was the only one who laughed at my tour guide's pH scale joke about Sciences Library. As I chuckled to myself, my group of thirty remained silent. Sure, it was nerdy but it was so me and at the same time, so Brown. That moment of pure correlated quirkiness between me and Brown both sparked and confirmed my love for the school.

I have my own brand of eccentricity, sharpened by sudden midnight drives, an obsession with Slurpees, and a growing array of socks, that I know will seamlessly fit with uniqueness of Brown. The university won't ask me to change but instead embrace what I offer. Also, with my Tourette's Syndrome, I've developed an outlook that doubts the traditional. It's the kind of "never settle" mindset that Brown is built off of, seen in how its student body fights for its right to hold the Naked Donut Run and against its fear of the university becoming too corporate. It's not just Brown's outstanding educational offerings but also its one-of-a-kind energy that have bred my infatuation for the school.

Undergraduate / "The Mindset" Why Engineering?-Columbia Supplement [3]

Here's my supplement for the Columbia supp that simply says Why Engineering? The limit is 1500 characters and I'm pretty much on it right now. My worries and concerns are listed after the essay so that they don't influence you:

Maybe it began with my parents. As my dad walked me through the endless rows of embroidery machines that he owned, my mom would spend hours explaining how she coordinated her workers with customer demands. Or maybe Jeffrey started it. Him being too little to construct the monstrous Lego and train sets that he bought, the duty often fell to me. I'll probably never know the exact source of my fascination with concepts like resourcefulness and design, but I do know that with engineering, I can continue this passion.

The quantitative and analytical mindset of an engineer perfectly suits how I think. I love seeing things build off of each other and how simple ideas can collaborate into larger ones. Molded out of a "never settle" attitude, I don't view things just in the realm of what they have achieved but also in the realm of what they can achieve. While my ceramics teacher Mrs. Webster praised my porcelain vase, I instead focused on the wayward centering and asked myself how I could fix that. An engineering degree will teach me how to break down problems and build the best solutions to them through the lens of the almighty three E's: effectiveness, economic, and efficiency.

My mom says I worry about too many things. I stress over things like improper government spending, lack of access to clean water and food, and the best route to get to my friend's birthday party. Though I may never solve all of them, becoming an engineer gives me the best chance to try.

1. My main worry is whether this essay is strong enough. I've never really had an AH-HA moment that other people tend to have when it comes down to why I want to be an engineer. It's just sort of popped up as the proper degree to pursue for my intended goals.

2. Any other comments and such?

Thank you so much for your time and effort.

Undergraduate / "My Biggest Mistake - I caused the hurt" Yale Supplemental [2]

So here's my supplemental for Yale. The prompt is pretty much to write anything about myself. The word limit is 500 words and sadly I go over it. I'm about 70 over to be exact. My main concerns are simply:

1. Does the message come through enough?
2. I feel as if I lack "show" and "tell" too much instead. Are there any instances where I could fix that?

3. Are there any sentences that I can combine together just so that it's tighter and more concise?
Thanks for your time and I will definitely return the favor.

"Hey bud," my dad greets me over the phone, "You ready to come down here this weekend?" It's a line that I've heard dozens of times over the recent years, with "come down here" referring to staying at his house in Irvine. I pause for a moment. "I don't want to," I tell my dad straightforwardly. He grunts and loudly shuffles over the phone before replying, "Ok. That's fine. Can you give the phone back to your mom?" I hand it back to her and resume watching cartoons.

I have no recollection of my parent's divorce seeing as how it happened when I was just two, an age in which you can't really recall memories from and where the terms "separation" and "divorce" don't make much sense. My mom took my sister and me with her down to Southern California while my father resided in Seattle. Life continued like this for two years until my dad drastically usurped all he had and moved to Irvine, an hour away from my permanent residence, my mom's house. Suddenly, the man who I only saw on Christmases became a permanent fixture at my school assemblies and piano concerts. He braved the one hour trip across the I-405 and down the I-110 every weekend to watch me huff and puff down soccer fields. And lastly, he would take me and my sister to live with him for the majority of weekends during the year. He strived to become more eminent in the lives of me and my sister and construct the typical "mother-father" environment for us.

Looking back at this period though, I'm only filled with guilt and remorse. Not because of his actions but because of mine. I failed to recognize and appreciate the incredible commitment that my dad showed, affirmed by the one hundred and fifty thousand miles amassed on his Lexus RX300. The older I got the more I detested the weekend trips to his house; "I don't know anybody over there," or "There's nothing to do at dad's house," I protested to my mother. The worst part though was that my selfishness and I often won. I can only imagine how many hours my dad spent alone at his dinner table meant for five. How heartbroken must he have been each time my voice said, "Not this weekend"?

I've realized the hurt caused by my self-centeredness and though I can never compensate for my dad's desolate hours, I can and must try. I've adopted that relentless drive and dedication exhibited by my dad. It is what carries me along the highway when I drive to soccer practice an hour away and what kept me up all night with Kippy, my Tourette's Camp camper, when he couldn't fall asleep because of his bug paranoia. I also carry that intent of my dad's to be involved as much as possible in the lives of those who matter to me. Family dinners take the place of my top priorities and I always make time for foodventures with friends.

Nowadays, my dad has found a different outlet to pour his commitment into, his new family consisting of my five and seven year old sisters, while I have to the inescapable college applications and school to distract me. Nevertheless, assuming that both of our unwavering devotions continue, a trip to his house can't be that far away.

Undergraduate / "The Embracing Student Body"-Why Yale? Supplement [5]

Here's my Why Yale? Supplement. The limit is 500 characters and I'm right on it at the moment. I know that it's hard to do much with such a short count but I tried my best. Any thoughts would be appreciated. My main worry at the moment is the word "embracing." I feel like it really fails to encompass the student body but I can't really add much. Any ideas?

Maybe it's how I giggled reading about the Naked Run and smiled watching the "Why I Chose Yale" video. Maybe it's how my tour guide waited for me despite my late arrival. It might be all the smiling students I saw flooding the lawn of Old Campus when I walked through. The thing I am sure though is that I want Yale because of its embracing student body. While the teaching I receive at Yale will certainly be outstanding, I know that the students I meet will elevate my experience to another level.