Undergraduate / "you can watch rated R!" - Common App Personal Statement [12]

Hi, this is 750 words and the essay is supposed to be ~500. I would really appreciate any feedback at all before November 1st. It's my first time posting on this site I just wanted some advice on parts that seem insignificant and if this gives a strong representation of the person I am. Again, thank you so much!

(Basically I wrote about a topic of my choice for this essay. I'm not really sure what the prompt would be.)

Common App: Personal Statement

Staying Golden

I come from a modest family with modest values. My parents' trust in me often made me think twice before making decisions. The fact that they rarely doubted my judgment was almost a burden that I tried my best to uphold. My classmates were generally hesitant to socialize with me after I declined several situations that tested these values. This coupled with my introverted nature often made me feel lonely, and I buried myself in books, sacrificing friendships. Adults would frequently compliment me on my mature behavior. However, I was just a child, and I wanted to have friends who shared my thoughts and interests. I often felt there was no place outside of home I could feel comfortable.

Maybe I was one of the few five-year olds that had my own personal Jiminy Cricket perched on my shoulder, constantly asking me if I was making the right choice. A few years ago, I'd ask my mom if I would ever make lifelong friendships. By listening to her advice to "come out of my shell," I slowly poked my head out in my adolescent years and found that it just takes openness and a desire to find common ground to try to connect to anyone. I also realized that something positive can be found in any situation.

Since the day I stepped into high school, I have been the thoroughly happy person I am today. I worried all morning the first day about who I would eat lunch with, and I was thrilled when a few girls in some of my classes asked me to sit with them. I realized that things were changing. What changed is that the people I met affirmed the belief I had that it is not the clothes or shoes that make a person, but his or her passions and values that do. By genuinely accepting me, my friends gave me a lasting sense of confidence, and I felt at ease for the first time.

Today, the self-assurance and openness I developed is reflected in my wonderful relationships with my peers, teachers, and other influential people in my life. In hindsight, I see that a combination of my small-town upbringing and undeveloped social skills contributed to my feelings of anguish. I realized that my eighth grade graduating class of fifty-three was just a tiny portion of the world. After three years of high school, I developed my people skills, and I am proud to say that I never once doubted my core values.

In these last few years, I have learned how to build relationships, and most importantly, how to be happy. At school, I live with five people that I now cannot imagine my life without. I am more open and willing to place myself in new and challenging situations. Next week, I look forward to dancing before an audience of 300 in a Diwali cultural performance. I have become a leader in many contexts: in clubs, at home, and in my relationships.

As Johnny, a character from the novel Outsiders by S.E. Hinton advised his friend, I have stayed golden to myself while achieving a balance between my inner conscience and the outside world, a world that doesn't seem so distant anymore.

Writing Feedback / Interesting essay about weird poem (my favorite anything) [6]

please read, any feedback is appreciated. I will read yours write away. This essay is about my favorite anything, so I wrote about my favorite poem.

Nearly a decade ago, I ventured upon the poem "This is Just to Say" by William Carlos Williams. At that time, my young mind took in the twenty-eight words of text in a literal sense, thinking that the poet was earnestly apologizing for eating fruits left in the refrigerator. The poem is as follows:

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

I kept the piece in my thoughts, sometimes rereading it for eccentric inspiration while writing and at other times, for a chuckle at its absurdity. The lack of punctuation was initially frustrating to me. How was one supposed to follow the author's thoughts and understand the true significance of the poem? "It's meaningless," I would sometimes say, dismissing the poem in its entirety.

In that last decade, I have gained invaluable experiences that now allow me to understand the poem in a way that relates to my life. New opportunities can be frightening, yet appealing and gratifying. The juxtaposition of the words sweet and cold seem to symbolize the plums, fruits of desire, as alluring, yet unwelcoming. These two words give the impression that the author's mind is trying to understand whether the opportunity to eat the plums is worth it. The coldness seems to represent the terrifying aspects of change or action, while the sweetness is the knowledge of how great its fruit could be. The poem now strikes my heart as a call for personal growth and self-discovery. It is the creative spark that changes the world, not the person bound by convention. "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself," as one playwright once said.

The poem does not give away possible meanings directly. Ten people may read it and derive ten different meanings from it. Therein lays its beauty. Each reader receives a secret message, shaped by his or her experiences and opinions. While Williams may have been frightened to seize the plums, he does so anyway. He asks for forgiveness, and he does not hide his actions. To me, these twelve lines are a call to people to live in the moment. I do not see this poem as an opportunity to commit crime or severe offense, but a declaration to yank open those closed doors in our lives.

Today, the only absurdity I find with this poem is the extent to which it can relate to the modern world. It enables the reader to sympathize with a situation in a few simple lines. The poet apologizes, but he does not regret his actions; in fact, he says that the plums were delicious. Most everyone has overcome a fearsome moment. Yet, would they not do it again for the rewards? Maybe one must eat through the coldness in order to achieve the sweetness. I have faced many situations such as these, often having to make that difficult decision. Sometimes, the chances we are given are all that they seem to be and at other times, I realize that it may be best not to pursue them. Is the fear of failure or giving in always a terrible concept? Maybe the the moments when we concede to our attractions are the moments during which we are most vibrant and alive. Maybe there should be a balance between the succulent plums and restraint, as self-control is one of the strongest traits a person can have. However, life is lived once, and plums are "delicious, so sweet and so cold."

Or maybe Williams is laughing in his grave, amused at people trying to analyze a poem so simple and logical. Quite possibly it is one of the greatest pieces of literature ever written because it represents that we as humans, try to find a deeper meaning in everything, because meaning gives us a sense of fulfillment.

Either way, Carpe diem everyone.

Writing Feedback / 250 Word Essay on Education Reform [2]

Hi, I would really appreciate any comments on this essay (content, grammar, brevity). The prompt is how I would improve education in my community with $5,000. I will gladly check yours and provide meaningful feedback.

With $5,000, a world of difference could be made in just one community. I come from the northernmost suburbs of Illinois, a blue-collar area in which standardized test score averages are equal to those of the state. The problem with this though, is that there are students below the average who lack a strong foundation in the basics. In addition, seventy-five percent of high school students are unprepared for college.

My plan is to set up a tutoring center at the local high school in my community. This program could offer course credit or service hours to student or adult volunteers. My agenda is to establish five main goals:

1) Strengthen writing, math, science, and technology skills.
2) Provide students with a collaborative environment to help them become active, independent learners.
3) Assist bilingual students.
4) Guide students through the college application process.
5) Inspire tutored students to volunteer their skills later on.

Tutors, selected through interviews, will be assigned to appropriate subjects and students. The $5,000 will be used to advertise and recruit for the center, through means such as flyers and newspapers. A public presentation detailing the program's progress will take place biannually. Some funds will be used in appreciation of volunteers, through recognition lunches and certificates.

Young people and adults want service opportunities to develop their skills and experiences and feel that they are making a difference. Volunteers eliminate costs to students who may be unable to afford outside help. Ideally, the community will be brought closer and students will revitalize their skills through this program.

Scholarship / MEDLIFE chapter; Pursue Your Passion Scholarship [4]

Prompt: Tell us what you are passionate about learning and outline how you will spend the $1,000 helping you learn. Your learning plan can include formal education, informal education, travel, internships, books, events... whatever you believe is the best plan for the money. Be specific and may the best plan win.

I have spent the last six months establishing a MEDLIFE chapter (nonprofit that provides medical aid to South American slums) on my campus with the support of 110 motivated and passionate students who also want quality healthcare to become a basic human right. This scholarship would be used to kick-start our chapter to travel on its first "Mobile Clinic" to Ecuador this winter working alongside local doctors providing healthcare. Among other topics, we would learn about basic and advanced medical techniques, hygiene and infrastructure problems, Latin American culture and Spanish language, and communication through interacting with the community, volunteers, doctors, and chapters. I hope to pursue international healthcare policy, and gaining perspective on health disparity through this trip would be my way of most meaningfully honoring this scholarship. The money would be used in part to help fund my trip but also as an initial fund for our chapter to carry out trip fundraisers and request donations. With 110 members, this initial $1,000 would be immensely valuable as the first and most important step in grounding our new chapter.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read through this and provide your comments.