Writing Feedback / Magic Lu Chen - essay help [5]

Good essay! I would add an introductory paragraph about your topic, why you are writing about Lu Chen, and your main topic. That will allow the reader to get a taste of what you are about to tell them. Also, you missed a great deal of commas (especially before the word "but"). You could also make a more complex sentence by adding a ; to connect two sentences. I was a bit confused when you said that you were "kind of an autistic person". I think you meant to say artistic. Good luck!

Undergraduate / After-school activity - Role playing [4]

I would change the first sentence because it sounds like role-playing is your only after school activity. I would say something like: "Role playing is one hobby and interest that I enjoyed and pursued as an after school activity...". I would also consider including introductory and conclusion paragraphs. I would also add a small paragraph that details the outlines how the "Aragon inside you" transformed you as a whole (any situations that you were in, decisions you made, etc. that were not characteristic of the "pre-Aragon you"). Good luck!

Undergraduate / Grinnell Supplement essay - what makes me an individual [9]

I would not start with the first line that you did. You want your words to reflect who you are. You want your words to captivate the reader. You want your reader to desire your next words. You have to sell yourself! I love that you have outlined things that you have done for the world. List any special awards, achievements, etc that you have received and groups you have held leadership roles. Do you have recommendation letters to go with this essay? I would introduce yourself in the first paragraph, say why you want to attend Grinnell, and say why they need you (YES!!! Why THEY NEED YOU!). My first college admission essay about about 1,000 words. I would double check the requirements for the essay.

Undergraduate / I was really fascinated in the law of supply and demand; Academic interests [2]

What intership was this? What kind of factory was this? What was the purpose of your internship? In the last paragraph, you asked "What made this happen?" You did not answer that question. I would also add a paragraph about how this internship opportunity is tied to your interest in economics; I did not quite understand that part.

You want your words to reflect who you are. You want your words to captivate the reader. You want your reader to desire your next words. You have to sell yourself! List any special awards, achievements, etc that you have received and groups you have held leadership roles. Do you have recommendation letters to go with this essay? I would introduce yourself in the first paragraph, say why you want to attend University of Michigan, and say why they need you (YES!!! Why THEY NEED YOU!). My first college admission essay about about 1,000 words. I would double check the requirements for the essay.

Undergraduate / **A Blocky Youth** University of Chicago Free Choice Essay: Should I or Shouldn't I? [7]

I would agree with Sean. The essay is not really childish, but does explode into many ideas that go of the road that your essay should be traveling. I would choose one or two things to focus on and write well about them. Be sure to include why these things influenced you the most. The essay begins well-written; however, it does not follow the essay's question. It reads more like a story rather than an essay. Try the five paragraph method, but it can be any number of paragraphs you want. Use the first paragraph to introduce the topic (and yourself a bit), use the last paragraph to remind the reader of what you told them, and in the middle tell them what you need to tell them (what you want them to know). Make them have to pick up the phone, call you, and tell you, "Your essay was so great we want to give you an early acceptance to the University of Chicago over the phone NOW!"

Undergraduate / MY ESSAY FOR SYRACUSE : IT'S REALLY NEED ENHACEMENT [4]

The essay is a well-thought out, well-written essay, but you did have a few errors. Most of the errors were with subject-verb agreements and past-present tenses. I think you should include how you are currently helping in the financial field. Are you working in that field already? What are you doing right now? Sell yourself! Make them WANT and NEED you to come to Syracuse. Make yourself irresistible to them.

Undergraduate / Common app Activities short essay - the International Congress on AIDS [8]

I must say that this is one of my favorite essays I have read thus far. It is a unique topic that definitely catchs the reader. I wanted to read the whole thing. While the essay does seem a bit long, you did put in a great deal of effort and thought in it. I would check the requirements for the essay to this college. I liked the first sentence that you used. It definitely catches the eye and the attention of the reader. I would consider saying more in this paragraph; "I also was given access to any committee room. So I was able to come across many interesting and insightful seminars regarding the likes of Prostitution in India, the promotion of condoms among prostitutes etc." I think it could use a bit more information (i.e.: how you felt hearing this issues, etc). Great job! Good luck!

Undergraduate / Penn long essay - What makes you a good match for Penn? [3]

"I couldn't agree with her more . I have attended two schools in my life: the first school had a century worth of history and tradition while the second school had no history or tradition.

Perhaps, this is why heritage becomes an important factor in my consideration of universities. Penn, in its early years, has displayed its vision for a relevant and strong education revolving around business and public service.

I started doing volunteer work when I was 13 years old, and I do intend to continue while I am in college . I believe that humanitarianism has no boundaries, and I will help people wherever I go.

Great job! Other than a few stylistic and wording issues, your essay was great. I like that you touched on a few ideas related to why you chose UPenn and how the campus can work for you (volunteer work and the campus layout). I definitely would not delete anything! Good luck!

Undergraduate / significant experience - practicing playing the piano [3]

I would add a bit more to the first paragraph. Use it as an introductory paragraph. I noticed that you consistently did a few things:first, you did not write out numbers below ten; second, you often misplaced commas after periods; and lastly, you did not put a comma between two independent sentences. Other than those things, the essay was well-thought out. I did have an issue understanding one sentence (I noted it above). Good luck!

Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement-I want to change the world! [12]

Soon enough, the world becomes their canvas, and Pitzer begins to represent the small scale model of the bigger portrait (the world). Exciting as this may seem, I do not want to get ahead of myself; therefore, let me begin the rough draft of my Pitzer portrait.

Obama's vision of purple is unity. My vision of purple is Han. Red signifies my fiery passions, and blue represents my ambitions to make the world a better place.

The dark clouds of autism have definitely casted their shadows upon many, and I feel it is my duty to let the sun shine proudly through these menacing clouds.

GREAT ESSAY! I loved the color incorporation. You did a great job! I did see a few issues where commas should exist. Other than a few issues, it was great. Good luck! I hope you get into Pitzer.

Undergraduate / Music is my way of life, my soul and my community. Rice... why this college? [8]

My father is an accomplished singer, cellist, piano accompanist, and choir director; while, my mother is violinist, and my brother picks up where my father left off in cello. Me, well, it is just me and my piano.

; however, honestly, piano and music are more than the lessons and family traditions.

Of course, she said that with good humor, but never had I realized the truth that hung in-between her words.

Whether sunshine filters through the curtain blinds or a grayish hue shrouds the sky, tunes are plucked, and chords are struck at my house.
my soul and my community.

Your essay was well-thought out and well-written. I did notice a few issues with commas and wording, but well-written nonetheless. Watch out for the commas, and you will do great!

Undergraduate / 'Exam failure' - long essay of Michigan: setback [7]

The first exam of junior year was extremely important, which decided the people who were qualified to attend the advanced class.

Shaking the tube of correction fluid, suddenly, I found that the correction fluid had been depleted . Desperate, I crossed the wrong answers by pen and, therefore, the whole test paper was spoiled.

I complained to my father as if the empty tube deprived me of the access to the class; however, to my surprise, my father did not comfort me.

I was unsure of the topic of White Out when I first began reading; however, I was pleasantly surprised by the essay. I thought you did a great job of writing and thinking about the essay. I did notice a few problems with commas and word chose. I hope my comments help! GOOD LUCK!

Undergraduate / UIUC Essay #2: Being a chief designer...... [2]

I always wanted to become a designer because I thought designers have such freedom on their canvas without any boundaries. Any successful designer always brings the world an innovative and creative world filled with inspirational ideas. I had never doubted my perspective regarding designers' job until I had a practice try myself over the winter break last year.

I would consider your word choices before committing to the words. Really enjoyed your essay. Good luck.

Undergraduate / A paragraph from my Northwestern essay too wordy? HELP [5]

It was difficult to tear myself away from these fantastic stories of reality, but, as I continued to click and explore, I was drawn to other information. My virtual tour through McCormick has shown me that the Biomedical Engineering there is indeed one of the best programs in the field. Through my tour, I discovered McCormick's unique Engineering First Program, its affiliation programs, and its breadth of research opportunities. These traits assure me that, if I become a McCormick student, I will not lack resources.

Undergraduate / Vassar "What aspects do you find appealing" [6]

For my part, I have been interested in international studies since the beginning of my high school. I found that Vassar offers international studies and adds some specialties to this multidisciplinary program.

Life after Vassar is another topic that I am concerned; however , after watching that YouTube video "Meet the class of 2008" in which many graduates answered the question "What are you doing after graduation?", I see that there is indeed a life after Vassar, and that life is usually diversified and fulfilling.

You are a great writer. Every sentence was simply amazing. You are destined to go to this school if you write so passionately about it. I love that you showed the school that you know so much about them.

Undergraduate / Common App - "Cliff Solving"; being an assistant teacher to a third grade class [6]

I really liked this essay better than the other. Other than a few comma issues, it was great. I not only read the story, but I felt it, too.

As far as the shorter essay, write out numbers below ten and watch out for the commas and where they should go. In order to shorten the essay, I would stick to shorter, to the point sentences. You only have 150 words; make every single word count. No fluff or unnecessary information.

Student Talk / Word count limits and restrictions in essays [44]

Usually, if it is a short essay (under 400 words), the quote does not count in the word count unless otherwise specified. That being said, I would not chose a quote that is lengthy or complex because you will have a limited number of words to talk about it. Good luck

Undergraduate / Art isn't merely a hobby to me; Why do I want to attend Pratt? [2]

Art isn't merely a hobby to me-it is my love; however, as much as I loved to create, my parents wanted me to be in the medical field, to become a doctor or a pharmacist. During junior high, they had banned me from doing art.

I traded in my number two pencils for brushes and graphite blocks and my notebook for sheets of Bristol paper and canvases.

Here in the art studio, I can create the very stuff in my imagination inspired from the movies I've watched, literature I've read, and the world I live. ***Do not end sentences with prepositions***

To the students, art wasn't merely to fulfill a role of aesthestics- there was the thought behind it.

This discovery made me research Pratt more thoroughly, and I like what it offers and its location.

I like how Pratt is flexible with its courses, and from this flexibility. I would love to take advantage of the creative writing program because my art isn't limited only to pictures, but in written prose as well.

First off, I am glad you finally got to do what you love most. This essay was very good. Interesting...; however, you need to watch your commas and ending sentences with prepositions. Other than that, you did great. Good luck.

Essays / What is the best format for Personal Statement / SOP? [5]

It is generally easier to read and make notes on double-spaced work. I would say that you should use double-spaced - especially since you will use that for any papers you turn in while in college.

Undergraduate / "Procrastination is a killer" - COMMON APPLICATION ESSAY- NEED TO BE REVIEWED/CRITICIZED [2]

The pages of a family tree's documented history lay hidden, preserved not in a literature's hardcover binding, but rather in a loose compilation of papers, suffocated by the dust coating every inch within the crude wooden box they are kept in.

A second "global war" has besieges the country but luckily, his status as an only child renders him ineligible for combat; instead , he runs supply errands in his truck for the military and is showered in prosperity following the war's conclusion for his support of the secular nationalism.

Great essay! A little wordy though. I would try to cut down on the overly complex sentences. I got a bit lost in some sentences. Other than that and very few stylistic issues, it was great!

Undergraduate / Common App Personal Essay - the summer that changed that my life. [4]

I was the first of our family to be born outside our native country, Korea .

I also learned how to play Pung-mul, a form of Korean traditional drumming, there; however, no matter what they tried, it felt forced onto me and I had no motivation to learn about my culture.

Sites, such as traditional Korean Buddhist temples and Korea's number one national treasure Namdaemun, a huge wooden temple in the middle of a bustling modern world, made me feel proud of my culture.

I was not only an American because I lived there, I was also Korean, and I am proud to call myself a Korean-American.

Watch out on your tenses! Sometimes you used past tense when you should have used present (like the last sentence). Good job! Very cool essay!

Undergraduate / 'I will succeed and thrive like no other' - Northwestern Statement [5]

Northwestern has everything and anything a college freshman yearns for most .

Very few errors. The main error I saw was the use of a preposition at the end of a sentence. I originally did not like how you started the essay, but after reading the next sentence (tying all the school events and perks in), I loved it! Good luck.

Essays / hi i'm working on my college essay (my most memorable game) [2]

One of my most memorable games I had was when we played against Parkville high school. As the face-off time drew nearer, I realized that I was not alone in my trepidations about the game. I looked around the dressing room, and, for the first time I could remember I was not greeted with bubbly, almost excited faces full of anticipation. Instead, I saw determination, focus, and almost nervousness in the eyes of my fellow teammates .

The opponent team came back to lead by a point. We thought we had the control of the game, but it turned out that our confidence went against us.

So, we practiced harder than ever to beat Parkville on a second game.

I would not shorten the sentences unless you had to do so. Do you have a word limit? I would use confidence or something like that instead of cockiness.

Undergraduate / Common App Personal Essay - the summer that changed that my life. [4]

I think that the other tenses are ok. I just would change the last sentence to present tense because (I assume) you are still proud to be a Korean-American... :) Personally, I would use this instead (witness problem):

"After engaging and actively accepting thousands of years worth of Korean history and culture, I began to realize that I could not change who I am, no matter where I lived."

I would try not to use the same verb in the same essay especially with a short essay. You want to show off what you know.

Undergraduate / Brown short answers (my interest, and why interested in Brown) [2]

I found my passion first inside, then outside of the classroom, and I want to nurture my understanding of social sciences at Brown University.

Brown knew how to market itself, and, if I plan to go into the business field fully prepared, I will need to learn from the best.

You did a great job of answering the questions. I found limited mistakes - just with commas. Great job!

Undergraduate / Trinity Supplement ("Life isn't all about money, fame, and fortune") [2]

Ever since I could remember, my parents have always put the betterment for others before themselves. They would let senior citizens get ahead of them in lines .

They would even give Christmas gifts to all our neighbors in the cul-de-sac exclaiming that "Christmas needs to be celebrated by everyone for Pete's sakes!"

One may think, "Ah, that girl. She probably does such nice things because she feels the pressure to become just like her parents", or "Yes, yes, her. She's just kind to everyone because she feels sorry for those she helps."

What a great lesson to learn for everyone! Hats off to your parents for raising such a great person! It is great that you can write about your parents like that. Kudos! I did see a few mistakes with commas and quotation marks, but other than that---job well done! Good luck!

Undergraduate / Undecided: every success we achieve we owe. [2]

These were children who had lost their parents and left alone with no one by their side; however , someone with sympathy and who felt responsible gave them shelter, food and access to education.

It was from that day on that I made myself believe that I have to put my best thought and effort in every activity I am involved (DON'T END SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION).

I have seen the considerable influence of that particular day on my high school life, and I am quite certain that the positive outcomes of that day will also play a major role in my contribution to the UF campus community.

Good job! A few comma issues. Don't end sentences with a preposition. Other than that, great. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Commonapp-significant experience: My Failure to Launch [2]

Personally, I would start with the quote from Disney that you best like. I would italicize it and center it above the essay. You are a talented writer. I definitely felt the connection you were trying to make with the reader. A few stylistic errors, such as commas, numbers, etc., but great all around! Good luck!

Undergraduate / UPenn Long Essay - "My passion for history" [6]

In mathematics , for example: there is no question about the validity that one and one is two. Mathematically, it can be proven and it cannot be disputed.

Only the facts remain relatively certain; however, even the same facts can be presented in a different light to favor a different argument.

How many countries can that be said about?

Personally, I would set the quote off by centering it and spacing it away from the text you write. I did not find that many errors. Comma issues, a misspelling, and a word choice issue. Otherwise, a great essay. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Leaders in the Making" - CMC Leadership - admission essay [13]

We, as parents (or brothers in my case), unconsciously reach across the sofa and cover the eyes of our innocent children; so , where could we possibly even mention sex without having our faces torn apart? Ironically, these places are in psychology classes at any high school across the nation, all thanks to a little known man named Sigmund Freud.

Thank you, Sigmund Freud, for giving us the sexual revolution we so greatly needed!

Do you have a word count? At first, I was worried about the topic (thinking that the essay may be related to Playboy or something), but was pleasantly surprised. It is well-written and thought out! A few minor issues, but easily fixable. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Leaders in the Making" - CMC Leadership - admission essay [13]

Yes! Your essay does answer the prompt completely. I think that CMC will really like your essay. It is different, but in a good way. Good luck!

Undergraduate / UPenn Long Essay - "My passion for history" [6]

You are most welcome. I liked the essay. Like I said, I would set off the quotation, but, other than that, it was great. Topic is great. Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'I will succeed and thrive like no other' - Northwestern Statement [5]

Not a problem! Good luck!

I agree with bmaffei432. It is a great idea for a commercial... Sell it to Northwestern.

Undergraduate / Consideration of others - Help me with Trinity's essay [2]

If you are going to bring up that your parents are doctors, I would give some examples of how their profession specifically adds to your "integrity contract". Are you planning on becoming a doctor? If no, then I don't know if I would add their profession to the essay. Instead, think about what an "integrity contract" is and what it should entail. That may give you a better direction.

Undergraduate / The Rice School of Architecture essay to present my reasons for choose this university [3]

I was the same way! My sister loved Barbies; whereas, I played with TMNTs, Transformers, Hot Wheels, Legos, and Lincoln Logs. I really liked how you incorporated your past preferences into your current career path. Great job! Watch out for commas (missing). Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'community organizer' - SHORT Brown U. Supplement - How did you hear about Brown? [2]

I strode(I WOULD USE ANOTHER WORD. THIS ONE SEEMS AWKWARD.) back down the narrow hallway to the desk of our community organizer, Chris, my completed call sheets in hand.

Following my polite "not sure yet," he suggested Brown University, his former alma mater .

I would associate what you most liked about Brown U. Did you like the campus, setting, environment, class size, streets, professors, etc.? What made this university jump out at you? Other than that, you did great answering the prompt. I would change the word "strode" to something else. It seems a bit awkward to me. Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'exposed to experiment' - Upenn Professor Short Answer (Psychology) [5]

Understanding the neural bases of human thought has intrigued me since I first skimmed the surface of Psychology at my first after school class in the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey.

Professor Medina's research attempts to understand the neural processes that allow humans to attain and consolidate new motor skills, such as learning piano and riding a bicycle.

Learning from Professor Medina's proficiency in vivo neurophysiology and computational neuroscience would be an honor to look forward to .

Do you have a prompt or topic you have to write about for this essay? What is it?
This was well-written and thought out, but I would watch out for missing commas and using prepositions at the end of sentences. Good luck!

Undergraduate / CommonApp Personal Essay (Topic of your Choice, incentives for charitable) [3]

Well-thought out essay; however, I don't know if I would assign moral and immoral charitable actions to a specific person. The essay makes you sound like a saint and your friend to be an inconsiderate, self-serving person. While I am sure that is not the case, I would still make the two examples not specific. I would just say that person A shows an immoral charitable activity, but person B shows takes the moral high ground.

Other than a few stylistic issues, great job! Good luck!

Undergraduate / Lehigh supplementary essay feedback; the unique and unparallel combination [2]

The main factor that attracted me to Lehigh is the unique and unparalleled combination of rigorous academics and intense athletics.

As a person who is particularly involved with and devoted to my current school's honor council and upholding the honor code , my key contribution to Lehigh would be integrity.

Great job! I like how you incorporated many features of Lehigh into your essay. You definitely answered all parts of the prompt. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Florida Institute of technology essay ending paragraph [3]

Good closing paragraph. A few word choice issues and commas missing, but great other than that. Good luck!!!!