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Posts by luying9682
Joined: Nov 9, 2012
Last Post: Jan 1, 2013
Threads: 6
Posts: 35  

Displayed posts: 41 / page 1 of 2
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luying9682   
Nov 9, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My Chinglish sentences' - Common Application Main Essay [2]

Hi Totoro

Great essay! Yet I think you may add more details in the third paragraph (e.g. what you've done to overcome the problem). You've written a lot about your problem, but you did not specify your endeavor. Also, I think you can make your point clearer: what personality do you want to show the AOs, and why you are special. You should write the essay as no one else could use. I mean, all the immigrants can write about him or her like this, and what is your uniqueness? How can you stand out?

Just some suggestions. I am a native Chinese too. Hope it helps. =]
luying9682   
Nov 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Greater than normal: demand and expectations' - quality, talent personal statement [9]

I'd say this is a well-written essay. I'm impressed by your eagerness for learning and your hard work.

You did pretty well presenting your problem and stating your solution. I think you can shorten the first paragraph, and write more specifically how you concurred this obstacle and what you want to improve about the world ("intend to pick up the pieces and make the places where I stand a little better than the world had left it"). I think this will improve your essay because you said more about yourself and your fighting process, and I would know more about what you've done instead of what you've achieved. As my teacher always said to me:"to show but not to tell".

Hope my suggestion helps =] And good luck on your application!
luying9682   
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / Cooper Union; In a brief paragraph, describe the elements of Engineering you want to study [2]

I want to study Electrical Engineering at The Cooper Union.

Once, the washing machine and the refrigerator at my home broke down. As my father went out for business, my grandmother helped us out: she fixed the two machines successfully. At that time, I could not imagine an old lady who was born in an age of turbulence could know that much about modern technology. It was not until later that I knew that my grandmother knew all about those things because she was an engineer. From this story, I learned about engineering and the importance of it. When I grew older, I watched my father working in his workshop making laser devices, and became more and more interested in engineering. I wish I could do things like these in the future.

Right now, we are living in an Information Age in which telecommunication, electronics, computers as well as signal processing are of great importance. Electrical Engineering will greatly improve the world because it provides us with convenient tools, such as new communication devices, effective machines, and advanced technology, with which we are able to make more discoveries in science and apply theories to practice. Wanting to learn technology and do substantial work, I choose Electronic Engineering. This major requires innovation as well as rigorous academic background; therefore, I want to study Electrical Engineering that pushes on society development at Cooper Union.

Please please give me some suggestions, thank you a lot!!!

P.S. there's no word limit :)
luying9682   
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'To be an electrical engineer' - What are your current career objectives [5]

What are your current career objectives and how do you believe studying at The Cooper Union will assist you in achieving them?

Currently, I intended to be an electrical engineer. This is a job that not only requires specialized education and commitment, but also both oral and written expression ability, leadership and creativity. I believe that the rigorous academic requirement and the great faculties in The Cooper Union will help me acquire professional knowledge. Also, the hands-on group assignments will allow me to have experience in cooperation and leadership. The Career Center of The Cooper Union and the C.V. Starr Research Foundation supply students with internship opportunities. Additionally, I may get inspiration from the easy access to the city.

Thank you for your help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
And wish you a happy Thanksgiving! (We don't have Thanksgiving Day in our country :( and so, no turkey meals)
luying9682   
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Jewish athletes' - Apply Texas: A person who has influenced you .... Aly Raisman [3]

Hello Ablumfield,

I think you did a good job! I can see you connect yourself with Aly Raisman in this essay, which is a point that is often ignored.

In my opinion, you might add some more about yourself in fourth and fifth paragraph: what Aly Raisman changed about you? What have you done? Can you examplify your point?

My teacher always tells me "show, don't tell". I think it might also apply to your situation.

Wish u a happy Thanksgiving!

[And if you don't mind, can you give me some suggestions on my short answers? Thanks!]
luying9682   
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Enthusiasm, commitment, conscience, problem solving..' qualities to our institution [NEW]

I'm applying to The Cooper Union and there are 13 questions... So if you see my posts all the time please understand me... Of course I won't post all the 13 questions here, or the Essay Forum might not be happy with me =[

What qualities do you feel you would bring to our institution?

Enthusiasm, commitment, conscience, problem solving and optimism are the qualities I would bring to The Cooper Union.

I am very enthusiastic about learning. Finding drawing appeals to me, I have taking drawing course since I was in kindergarten. As I discovered my passion for learning foreign languages, I took all the English class taught by foreign teachers in my school, and studied French at Alliance Francaise, a French teaching school sponsored by French goverment. Having strong interest in engineering since I was young, I caught all the learning chances when available: learn to use simple tools like screw drivers when fixing the CD player with my father and took Introduction to Electrical Engineering course to learn using welding tools to make a radio.

When facing a difficulty, I will face it and solve it instead of giving up. In the program SCEnaRioS: Water and Life, which encourages researches on water problems, our research group had a difficulty in getting statistics for analysis from the Internet. I helped our group overcome this difficulty by contacting the organizer and visiting the Water Monitor.

I'm a committed and conscientious person. During my participation in Destination Imagination (DI), a competition in creativity, problem solving and team-work, I, the team leader, made time table for my team and listed all the to-dos. I was always the first one to arrive at gathering place and the last one to leave. I presented at all the gatherings and conferences. Moreover, I succeeded in persuading the opponent teachers by introducing the program to them and winning the support of our school to go to the Global Finals held in Tennessee.

Whenever I was in trouble, I always look at the bright side. When our DI team was on our way back to China, we have to wait 6 hours for the transfer plane. My teammates were all frustrated, yet I told them we could then explore the whole Newark Airport. This optimistic suggestion cheered them up and avoided endless complains.
luying9682   
Nov 22, 2012
Undergraduate / 'traditional Mexican-American family' - UC Personal Statement "Your World" [3]

Hello sushiwrap! I am using my phone and I typed a lot yet they just disappeared :(
As I'm not a native speaker of English, the only thing I could say is that you can elaborate more on your future plans. What you plan to do in university, and why is that important. You can say that because of your personal experience, you will work to stop people from felling(like your younger cousins). Attending colleges is not your final aim, but what you learn from colleges will help you become a better person is. Try working on that: explain what you want to learn in universities and how will that help you change the world. I cannot express my thoughts so clearly in a foreign language and I hope you can understand ;)
luying9682   
Nov 22, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Machines, tubes, wheelchairs'. Georgetown short answer. [3]

As a hospital volunteer, it's hard to see sick kids. I get emotional playing with the three year old girl, strapped down in her wheelchair, unable to move. I tear up when the little boy screams at the sight of the needle. I cringe when I see a tube sticking out of a toddler's mouth. And

I think this sentence might be unnecessary.

Overall, you are still on the track, but you'll have to say more about how David is important to you, and link the experience with the summer activity--- what did you do with David. Just get back to the assignment and make sure you wrote what is required.
luying9682   
Nov 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the book Lost Horizon' - application essay about something you have read [3]

Hello, this is an answer to a college application question. Can you please give me some advice on the contents and on how to stand out? Thanks a lot!!!

Promise to give feedback to those who have helped!!! I really appreciate your time!!!!

Recently, I read the book Lost Horizon, a story about a British veteran Conway's experience in Shangri-La: a fictitious land of peace where local people are long-lived and satisfied.

While most people were touched by the beautiful scene, abundant and valuable resources, the longevity and the happiness one could pursue in Shangri-La, I was impressed by the belief that showed by the characters High Lama, or Perrault, and Miss Brinklow. Both of them came to Shangri-La by chance, and suffered from altitude sickness and other challenges. Yet they overcame all of their difficulties and decided to stay and do missionary work.

With the help from the villagers, Perrault recovered quickly, and started to preach. He even rebuilt the old temple and turned it into a Christian monastery. He also wrote a detailed report opposing the halting of local Buddhism and translated a book after he taught himself English. Through his effort, he found a way to slow the aging process and made Shangri-La a peaceful, happy and harmonious place

Miss Brinklow, who came to Shangri-La with Conway the British veteran, later changed her mind and decided to stay at Shangri-La to spread Christianity to the local people and learn to speak Tibetan language. In this isolated place, she found her own mission and fulfilled her life, unlike another passenger, Mallinson, who was impatient and aggressive and only wanted to leave.

Perrault and Miss Brinklow impressed me by their strong desire to devote themselves to missionary work despite great difficulty. This reminds me of the movie The Matrix. In the movie, Neo, the One, who believing in himself, overcame his fear for death and his doubts in his ability to save the world, became unbeatable and saved Zion City. Morpheus, Neo's talent scout, believed in the oracle and trained Neo despite other's opposition. Captain Niobe, believing in Neo, decided to give her ship to Neo at a very moment of the war between humans and computers when she knew that it might be a waste of equipment and could be vital to Zion's survival. All these people faced challenging tasks in their job, yet they did not give up and advanced bravely, with the support from their belief. With the belief, they could overcome the obstacles and have motives and strengths; they actually fear adversities no more.

Sometimes it is not because we have no goals for life, or not hard-working enough that we cannot achieve success, it is just that we cannot preserve--or, at least cannot preserve on our own. When this situation appears, the importance of belief showed. With belief one might be restrained by some rules, but he/she will be largely free and motivated, and with no fears. By believing in something, which might not necessary be a god, we will have an internal eternal strength supporting us, encouraging us when we are down. This is the strength of belief.

While living in an environment in which females are not encouraged to learn machines, robots, technologies and other things about science and engineering, my dream of becoming an engineer propels me to go further. My dream has become my belief and supports me to face others' surprise and comments. I believe that I could make my dream come true.
luying9682   
Nov 26, 2012
Undergraduate / "What about spaghetti?" Is this a good start? USC personal statement [7]

Hello,

Your personal statement is impressive! (at least to me:) )

1)
[quote=.]"What about spaghetti?" "No," I shouted. Descending from a big traditional Italian family, most of my relatives think I am the black sheep because I do not like pasta. Raviolli? Lasagna? Canelloni? My answer is a solid no. Truth is, I cannot control my disdain for pasta and I am proud to be different.

If I were you, I would delete the quoted part, because I don't think it works in your PS. Instead, you can conclude it into two simple sentences: As an Italian, I hate pasta. Yet I had not found my passion for a certain thing until my family gathering in [year]. (←these are only my words, and you might want to revise them and make them fit in your article)

2)You may also weaken your "disdain" in your ethic traditional food. Well, you can use another way talking it. Your point is to say you are not conventional and common, but make it more positive :) It does not sound right somehow.

3)I think you could extend your goal to a larger one--- beyond your family stories.

I finally realized the missing passion: the passion of telling stories. And I want to devote my whole life in it. I want to tell he world how my aunt Raquel thought the automatic door for disabled people was magical. I want to tell how my grandmother forgot my uncle on top of a statue in Italy for three hours. I want to tell all the crazy, funny stories that I met, I heard or I made up. I want to make the whole world laugh.

4) I can see you want to emphasize the pasta part to show your uniqueness. However, I think it is weak. Maybe you should find another example, or try writing in another way to make it stronger and more impressive. And maybe you can focus on your wish to be humorous and to help in making the world a happier one. e.g. you told the story when your friend is down, and he laughed and became happy again. These things made you want to tell funny stories and push away all the unhappiness. Something like that.

As I'm not a native speaker of English, my words might be rude sometimes but I did not mean it. I hope you can understand that. :)

Good luck on your application!
luying9682   
Nov 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Christine's inner-strength, optimism, studies' - Who is someone you admire? [7]

Hello, I need help on answering college application questions. English is not my mother language, so I really need help in wording. Could you comment on the contents of this answer and correct my grammar mistakes? I really really appreciate your time and your help!!!!!! If you need my opinions on your essays, I would be happy to help!

Thanks a lot!! :D
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Who is someone you admire? What do you value in this person?
Of all the people I know, I admire Christine, a friend of my family, the most.

Christine is strong and optimistic. She is a single mother who married twice, having two daughters, whose ages differ by 10 years. Yet her second husband left her when her younger daughter was still in kindergarten. Since her parents lived with her, she had to support a family of five on her own. She must have a hard life without a man to share the responsibility of family with her. Other women would have broken down, being addicted to alcohol or drugs, yet Christine never complained. Despite great hardship, she managed to make a happy family and be both a dutiful daughter and a patient mother. To her, life is always sunny, and she simply accepted difficulties and overcame them, never giving up. In Christine, I saw the power of the strength in heart that can motivate a person to live in an optimistic way and overcome all difficulties.

Christine has her own pursuits. Intending to be a lawyer when she finished college, she entered an office as a clerk due to the social environment and the immature law system in the nation at that time, but she maintained her passion for law and politics. She is concerned about current affairs, just as men do. She reads books on different subjects, especially those on law, trying to catch up with the development of the world. She never put down her dream, yet made her dream come true in another way. I admire her persistence in dreams, and I knew that one does not have to reach a goal in a realistic way, but to satisfy his/her own desire.

Christine is eager to learn. Though born in 1960s, she learnt to use electronic devices such as the computer, while people at her age, or even younger, are not willing to learn these modern skills. What impressed me the most, she did all these just to fulfill her life, but not for job promotion as other people who did these for. Her story told me that one is never too old to learn, and that studying is not a means to gain other goals, but studying itself is a goal.

I admire Christine for her inner-strength, optimism and her willingness to study new things. She proved that women should not be weak and subservient, neither to men nor to life and showed me what an independent modern woman should be like.
luying9682   
Nov 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'relationship with my violin' - UC [3]

Hello Keroro.

May I ask that are you applying for a major in music? It seems that you have devoted a lot in violin playing. I am really touched by your passion in it.

I think the following sentence needs revision. It weakens your essay.

Even if I didn't win, at least I had given it my best shot, or I could try again the next year.

After reading your essay, I would like to know what encouraged you to overcome the difficulty. Is it a belief or is it a passion? Something like that.

Overall, you chose a great topic and you expressed your emotion successfully. Good luck to you!

Can you please help with my essays? Thank you!!!
luying9682   
Nov 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'The Nepal Human Development' - the area of global concern essay [2]

Hello pawan457
you chose a great topic and wrote a great essay!
Everything is fine--except that this is too long. Maybe you can cut off the Nepal problem part. Describe the major problem concisely and focus more on "how does education at XXX university combat this problem?". However, I think you did pretty good in the latter, so just make the description shorter. :D

P.S. Thank you for your help in my essay! You mentioned that I should talk about what I value in the person. Actually I did that at the end of each paragraph, do you think that is not enough and I should talk more on that? I really appreciate your suggestion!
luying9682   
Nov 27, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Because of the USSR collapse..' - UC Promt 1. Majoring in Business [3]

Hello justlerik,
I'd say this is a really good topic because it showed your uniqueness.
You don't need to rewrite the whole passage, instead, revisions would be better for you.

Please note that the prompt wants you to tell the AOs your dreams and aspirations, but not how your father influenced you. So you may focus more on yourself--how you've changed---and cut off some of your father's parts. I think this is the major problem in your essay. Show yourself to the readers and use the story of your father as a reason or a encouragement why you did XXX.

If you don't mind, can you help me with my second displayed thread "tell us about what you have read and thought about"? Thank you so much!
luying9682   
Nov 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Significant setback/challenge/opportunity - "Male Cheerleader" [2]

Hello Ablumfield,

Nice to meet you again! This time I am deeply impressed!! This is a really great essay! It shows your uniqueness, passion and commitment. I really like it!

If there's something you could improve on, I would say that you might work on

Others did not have nice things to say and did not seem to like the fact that I joined the cheer squad. I was foolish and let other peoples' comments get to me. I would get hateful messages on Facebook. Some people said that I should not even be wasting my time with cheerleading because it is not a sport. These comments could be considered nice when compared to other things that people talked about me. It got so bad that the night before the pep rally I cried all night.

These sentences seem a little confusing. You can make it clearer by simply shifting the sentence order.

And maybe you can apart the first paragraph into two or three paragraphs. By doing so, the readers won't feel so much pressure =]

If you don't mind, can you please give me some suggestion on my essays? Especially the second one "tell us what you have read and thought about". Your help will be much appreciated!!! :D
luying9682   
Nov 27, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Art, puzzles, and into the start of my life' - SAIC statement of purpose [3]

Hello kev533,

This is a well-written essay! It is clear and logical and it showed who you are as an individual. You did pretty well in presenting specific examples instead of telling plainly.

There is one little problem that I think you could improve on.

Although it may seem like nothing, but that moment opened a special opportunity for me. I used to be a very shy student and I did not participate in a lot of school activities. I was unconfident and afraid of judgement. However, getting this role in my community really gave me a confidence boost and helped me feel like I fit into the community in my new life back in Korea.

Maybe you downplayed too much. Try using one sentence describing that you were shy, and writing more about how you did well in this position and how this role gave you a confidence boost and helped you.

Good luck to you!

[P.S. Can you give me some suggestion on my essays? I need help in my second essay "Tell us what you have read and thought about". I'll really appreciate your time!]
luying9682   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / 'first forced practice' - Deficient -- Common App Prompt #1 [7]

Hello bimzy,
I think you did a really good job! The passage is really impressive! =] The only thing that confuses me is that how's your anemia and your distant running connected? I could not get the intersection point. And maybe, talking more about how anemia and distant running taught you not to go with the flow and not to give up can improve your essay, because it's not so clear to me.

For your comments on my essay, I thank you very much! The prompt is "Tell us about something you have read (i.e., book, article, journal etc.) and thought about. " The title of my thread was changed somehow under the circumstance that I never knew it.

Good luck to you!
luying9682   
Dec 1, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Prompt one- My grandfather; Describe the world you come from [4]

Hello Keroro!
I think you did pretty well!! To make the essay better, you may add more things to make it look like that your family shaped you, but not only your grandfather. It's really great! I think it suits the prompt well.

P.S. Am I too late? It's for UC right? Well then, good luck on your application!
P.P.S. I've made some revisions on my essay according to your suggestion, do you mind to have a look at it again? I really appreciate your help!! :)
luying9682   
Dec 1, 2012
Undergraduate / Various Short Essays, 'Growing Up Military' 'Fighting the Wheel' - Brown University [5]

Hello bimzy,

the first question
You might want to emphasize your community and talk about how it influenced you, say--your family, your school and so on, instead of only talk bout yourself. This is a good essay, however, I don't think it fits the prompt very well. As for the original essay, it is a well-written one introducing yourself, and it reveals a true "you". I have heard of the risk of this kind of essays, consisting of some simple sentences. But I think yours is fine because your stories are unusual and attracting.

The second question
Maybe write something about "why" you are proud of your work, and shorten the process. It is a very short answer, so you have to answer the points and cut off the fats.

Your essays are really good and you do have a strong ability in writing! The only problem is that you have to answer the question. :)

Mind checking my revision on "my thoughts of a book I recently read"? Thanks a lot !!!!!!!
luying9682   
Dec 3, 2012
Undergraduate / 'first forced practice' - Deficient -- Common App Prompt #1 [7]

Hello bimzy,
It is much better! Your edition is really effective!
1) I am still not sure about when did the two stories happened: which one happened first? (maybe it's my problem because I'm not a native speaker)

2)The 3rd paragraph does not go on to the 4th fluently. The beginning of the 4th seems a bit abrupt to me. Maybe work on that.

Good job overall!!

Still need help on my essays...could you please help me? The deadline is Dec 7th and I'm not ready yet :(
I'll really appreciate your help!
luying9682   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Chinese poetry; Stanford Supp - intellectual vitality and Chinese [8]

Hello,
This is a great essay! You described an unusual experience. As a native speaker of Chinese, you understand Chinese language quite well and correctly to me. :)

To make your essay better, try to link your "intellectual development" with your experience in learning Chinese. You could write about what you learn from Chinese study, and how it helps you in your development.

And if you plan to study Chinese in your future (in or out of school) and need help, I could give you a hand in your Chinese study. You may reach me by e-mail: luying9682@163.

Wish u luck in applying to Stanford! :)
luying9682   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Christine's inner-strength, optimism, studies' - Who is someone you admire? [7]

Thank you Keroro! I have been busy at school for the exams and did not come up here so I just saw your reply today. Though the deadline is over, I thank your help truly!

If you don't mind,I would like to stay contact with you, and discuss about essays and more. Would you like to be my penfriend? My e-mail is luying9682@163 So please send me a letter if your answer is "yes". Otherwise, just ignore me. :)

Wish you a happy holiday and a happy new year.
luying9682   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Want to become a Social Worker; HKU/ PERSONAL STATEMENT [5]

Hello,
This is great! Is it your first draft?
Here's my suggestions:
1) The first paragraph seems a little wordy, cut off some sentences that do not help in the later stories.
2) Add more sentences to explain how your experience in Mongolia and the story of the little girl influenced you. This might help it flow more smoothly from the second paragraph to the next one.

3) You need more details in your third paragraph to extend your point made in the second one, instead of listing your activities.(Though they are impressive!)

4)

So while Hong Kong is developing into one of the world's leading business centers, why do I want to study at HKU?

not necessary. You can delete it.
5)is there a word limit for your PS? It seems a little long to me. And remember, only write about things that add to your point. Any extra thing is not necessary if it is not related.

HK is nice place! Wish you good luck in applying to HKU!!:)
luying9682   
Dec 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / Changed from being a loner [3]

I have been told, since the time I remember, that being a loner, not wanting to spend time with people was not good. The idea that everyone needs to be social and has to be happy about it did not sit well with me. But, somehow I knew that me being a loner was not correct and had to change that. Don't get me wrong, there are some perks of bring a loner like being able to be alone for an extended period of time and not minding, focusing more on what I personally like to do...

this is a bit too long. Make it shorter.

Then came the time when I was a junior in high school. Now at the beginning of the year, it was all the same as the years before, going about my normal activities, doing group works alone- basically being a loner. And then cameIn the third quarter and our English teacher gave us a group assignment.

I think you are TOO detailed in telling your story. Describe it tensely, then talk about how it changes you. At the end of the essay, you could write more about who you ARE now, and why you are pleased with the current you (instead of the former one). You can add one more example to support your point.

Wish you luck!:)
luying9682   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Chinese poetry; Stanford Supp - intellectual vitality and Chinese [8]

I didn't know you have so little space for this essay. So now, you could think about ONE main point to feature, and then use one example to support your point. The story should directly link to your point, and maybe you can cut off the explanation of Chinese language, unless you gained something from the difference. You may want to put too many things in the short essay, and it makes you difficult to clear your thoughts and fit into the word limit. Therefore, you should focus on one thing, and use details to make your essay stand out. Good luck!
luying9682   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Long boarding makes me happy : Tufts Supp/ "What makes you happy?" [3]

hello,
I love your writing style! It's fun reading the italic sentences.:)
Maybe you could say more about WHY this makes you happy, since you have described the thing that makes you happy the whole passage(though the question only asks what). And show us more about YOU. That is the aim of writing these essays.

I'm applying to Tufts too. Wish you good luck!
luying9682   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Chinese poetry; Stanford Supp - intellectual vitality and Chinese [8]

Hello! You improved a lot! I like that you add more examples of yourself--it made me know more about YOU. You could tie your examples to your point more closely to make the article better! How much space do you still remain?

Interestingly, my Chinese teacher ended up telling me that he had worked in a team on a project for CERN a few years ago. I found that exciting and I guess it was one of the many factors that contributed to my growing interest in science over the years.

I think this sentence is not quite suitable to be mentioned here... I suggest that you find another place in your application to show your interest in science, and write more details in your examples(delete those abstract words and sentences and use specific ones--it'll save you a lot of space as well as improve your article!)

Good luck!

P.S. about "teacher and students": My teacher told me that single nouns could not appear without something like "the/a/an/one"... so maybe "the teacher and students"? Not very sure about that =P
luying9682   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / "I want to be a lawyer" ; Why Hamilton? [8]

Hello! Can anyone help me with my essays? This is the last day.... ANY SUGGESTION, whether it is in grammar or in content, will be welcomed! I promise I'll look back on your essays! (I cannot find my teacher who is now in NYC, and this is the reason why I am in a rush. What happened in NYC? Did the snow damage the communication system?)

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How did you first learn about Hamilton?
Characters available 250

I first learned about Hamilton from my sister. She knew a graduate of Hamilton and had a deep impression of the school. Thus, she strongly recommended Hamilton College to me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------
Please Describe Your Reasons for Applying to Hamilton:
Characters available 3000

In my hometown, the legal system is yet to be perfected, and it is not uncommon to see people's rights being infringed. It stuck me every time when I heard that people's houses were razed without a legal permission and that innocent citizens were "reeducated through labor", an unofficial way of putting people in prison. I have longed for defending for the weak and protecting their legal rights. I want to be a lawyer in the future. Thus, I want to major in American Studies and minor in Jurisprudence, Law and Justice Studies, hoping to learn from America's development in legal system and contribute to that of my country. Hamilton is the best place for me not only because of its long history, but also because of its focus on communication skills, innovation and study opportunities.

English being my second language, I eagerly want to polish my management of this language, in order to gain knowledge more efficiently as well as defend my opinions more persuasively. I believe I could gain effective communication skills, the basic requirement of a lawyer, with the help of Hamilton's Writing Center and Oral Communication Center, such as the handouts-Writing a Long Paper, Comma Rules, etc-provided by the former as well as the Oral Communication courses and workshops held by the latter. I love the rigor of Hamilton in fostering students' expression abilities.

Additionally, I am looking for a creative school, since innovation is a significant factor in succeeding in legal profession. Hamilton definitely matches my requirements. The creative Video Game Nation course in American Study caught my eye: it provides me with a new angle to analyze a country. Besides, hearing different voices toward a certain issue from the multicultural student body at Hamilton, I can form global views and understand others better, which help me defend for others in my future career as a lawyer.

At Hamilton, I will encounter many opportunities, either in academic area or in hands-on experience. Thanks to the open curriculum at Hamilton, I could broaden my knowledge and develop my own interests by taking courses in other fields freely. Also, I am looking forward to take part in the various off-campus study opportunities, whether international or domestic. By attending the program in India, I am able to have deeper understanding of foreign cultures and expand my global vision. By joining the program in New York City, I could have real working experience and an early contact with the profession field.

In conclusion, I am applying to Hamilton in that it will help me pursue my dream and make a change in my hometown.
luying9682   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I'm different form my Mom; Significant influence (Person) [6]

Hello BriJ!
I agree with enigma33 . I think you should write more about YOU.
In the first paragraph, you talked about that you and your mother are different. I was hoping to see that you were influenced by your mother's different opinions and gained a new angle of viewing things or so. Then the theme changed in the second paragraph. I thought you were going to learn to be strong by staying on the camp. But at last, you described how you missed your mother and how much your mother loved you.... I am totally confused. So why your mother influenced you the most? And what did she change about you? After all, my suggestion is talk more about your change in your attitude/ characteristic and so on because of your mother's influence on you.

I hope it helps =P

Good luck!
luying9682   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Christmas Eve dinner; UChicago - Invent A Past For Present Supplement [23]

Hello,
Your essay is really long--but I enjoy reading the story! I like your idea of the mutated robot!
I understand that you are struggling with the length. Honestly speaking, when I thought over the prompt, I could not understand this one, so I am afraid I cannot help you much about the content. Instead, I might help you cut off the words. I will quote from your original post.

You could merge the sentences into 2 or 3. As I may change your own voice and confuse you, I am not going to combine the sentences for you. I chose these sentences because they are the beginning, which need not to be too long. And cutting down words here won't hurt the main idea of the article.

simply talk about that you exchanged gifts with the son here.

And for the rest of the story, you could combine two into one sentence. I cannot help because I am not familiar with your story, and you should be the best one to modify it without erroneously conveying your idea.

Good luck!
luying9682   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / My duties towards the family; HAZ LA U SCHOL; Academic & Career Goals (Mexican Heritage) [2]

Hello, iamnicholas1 !
This is a well-written essay! You did a good job in describing your family and how it influenced you. I can also see your ambition and your potential of achieving your goal.

But maybe you should expand your goals, either short-term one or long-term one? Since the first sentence of the prompt is

Tell us about your academic/career short-term and long-term goals.

I guess the admission officers would like to see your goals and then see your ability of reaching them. Just my thoughts on the prompt. You can shift the orders of telling your stories and your goals.

Hope it helps :) Good luck!
luying9682   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / "I want to be a lawyer" ; Why Hamilton? [8]

Hey guys! Apologies for the delay! I was replying your essays and I hope I helped. Thank you for your feedback! So I should expand on my reasons? Actually I am not very clear about that. How "exclusive" can be called "exclusive"? I have tried to find specific reasons and proof, but it seems I failed. Is there an example that could help me understand? Thanks a lot!
luying9682   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I volunteered at a daycare center/ SYRACUSE SUP/ Experience [15]

Hello, nayelojello
I agree with gymnast9195. You should focus on more on the school, as the prompt is "Why Hamilton", but not "Why you stayed in AP English course". And maybe your work experience does not help here, because it seems irrelevant to me. I think I understand that you want Hamilton know more about you, because there is no supplement for writing about the candidate himself/ herself.

Thank you for your feedback to my essay. Good luck! I hope we can meet each other on campus the next year!
luying9682   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Chinese poetry; Stanford Supp - intellectual vitality and Chinese [8]

Hello! Please don't say that. I am happy that my suggestions helped :) I love your essays so I would like to follow up.
As for the first two paragraphs, I think they fine. But can you make it flow more smoothly? Sometimes I feel it's abrupt somehow.

As for the last paragraph, you may add a conclusion WHAT your experience contribute to your intellectual development specifically, instead of saying

This 5 year long experience has therefore had an immense impact on me as a person and my intellectual development.

In the end though, I conquered the difficulties of learning a foreign language and a totally different culture. Imanaged to pass the oral exam, receivinged an overall A for the subject, and taught myself perseverance in the face of adversity. This 5 year long experience has therefore had an immense impact on me as a person and my intellectual development.taught me what the outside world is like, and I look forward to XXXXX

you can emphasize the impact of realizing global things, or Chinese culture is a brand new thing to you, and you are ready to take the next challenge of XXX. Think of IMPACTS, and what you learn. Use specific words, instead of those grand ones.
luying9682   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Life of Pi; Living colorfully; UVa supplement [2]

This is a great choice! However, you should emphasize on how the book influenced you, and talk more about your thoughts on this book. Maybe you gain some knowledge, or impressed by the ending compared to other books, or even your analyse on the book. The admission officers would like to read what you think, but not what the book is about.

Good luck!

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