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Posts by ding377
Joined: Dec 26, 2012		 Last Post: Dec 31, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 29  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 30
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ding377   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / MUSIC AND VOLUNTEERING; PRINCETON SUPP; TWO SUMMERS/VACATIONS [3]

May 18 to 24 of 2012

Do you meant 2011? Your title says two summers, so I just wanted to check.

5-year

five - write out the number

In Vancouver, TSYO collaborated with Vancouver Youth Symphony Orchestra, and although we had never met before, the members of both TSYO and VYSO were in sync from the very first note and I was amazed; through music, TSYO and VSYO were already a family.

very long sentence - consider shortening or separating

and I felt as those I was an intern

typo? - I think you meant to say "though"

I'm applying to Princeton too, but I'm not sure what they're looking for on this question. If they just want straightforward facts, then I think what you have is really good! If they're looking for more of an essay/analysis sort of thing, then I think you could cut down on describing what you did and write about how your summers impacted YOU more.
ding377   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / I built many castles in the air; Stanford Essay/ Experience [2]

"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake," I would end the sentence at the quote and then begin a new sentence with "Henry Thoreau..." Henry Thoreau spoke to me with such depth that I wish to follow in a way that when I open my eyes one morning I realize that it is actuality that I am living in, not fantasy.

I want to find the substance, the marrow, and the inner workings

Wow, your writing is amazing! I love your essay. The only criticism I have is the amount of quotes that you use within your essay. If you cut down on your quotes, I think you could spend more time talking about the impact of Thoreau on you rather than just his ideas.
ding377   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Korean traditional instrument, the Haegeum is what I play; Common App/Creative Work [4]

This Korean traditional instrument, the Haegeum, is what I play.

Like they do with other fiddles , those who are just starting to learn to play the haegeum produce a scratchy and ugly sound that makes people uncomfortable, even themselves.

Awkward wording. Try "Beginners learning how to play the haegeum produce..."

Just as my life needs an abundance of experiences and efforts

Even though it seems far to reach high level

This part is a bit confusing. Can you reword it to make yourself more clear?

Good essay :) I agree with you, though. I don't think this fits in with Option 4 on the Common App. If I were you, I would just put this under Option 6, topic of your choice.
ding377   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / I promise to continue it; common app- judo [3]

Sweat beads dripping from my forehead, heart racing, and face flushed,

TheMy nerves wrecked me just as bad as last time. This part is a bit random. You make no further reference to "last time" after this sentence.

I competed in judo tournaments

but because I need a relief.J udo is my relief.

Whether it is reaching a new belt, or having my chance to beat a boy, my mind switches from "Am I going to miss my bus?" to "His right foot stepped to the side, perfect timing!" I see what you're trying to say here, but this part is also a little random. "Am I going to miss my bus?" comes out of nowhere.

Since the age of eight, I've learned the sport.

Now, eight years later, judo is my before school milkshake. I t is my pre-test nerves. I t is my after school workout.

I really like your essay overall. It shows your love for judo and also how you've progressed in the sport. One thing I would change, though, is how often list things throughout the essay, like you did in the last three sentences. The format grows to be repetitive - mix it up a bit :) Good luck on your common app!
ding377   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Not tying myself to a tree' - Roomie Supplement. [2]

At first glance, I will appear like a shy girl who smiles and snickers at everything you may say.

you're probably thinking "YIKES! M y roommate is going to be some weird e nvironmental h ippie, one of those nature freaks that ties themselves to a tree to protect the environment."

Although that is partially true, I don't think I willI'll ever tie myself to a tree, and if you're lucky,you willyou'll see the side of me that enjoys being young, wild, and free.

Even though I'd love to spill my life story to you in this letter, I won't. I think part of the joy in life

my advice to you is to be prepared for my energetic, loud, free spirit.

And if you smell nail polish before you enter the dorm room, that means you're in the right place. I may be a science nerd, but that does not mean I am not a girly girly .

Haha, yeah. I'm also applying to Stanford, and this essay gave me a bit of trouble too. I think in some parts of your letter, your personality really shines through. In other parts, though, you seem a little too formal, especially when you don't use contractions. If I were you, I'd change two things about the essay:

1) Put in your name! If you're introducing yourself to your roommate for the first time, wouldn't your name be in there somewhere?
2) I noticed that your essay is only about 1500 characters. Stanford allows you to go up to 2000, so add more. It gives you more room to add in your personality :)

Good luck on your application!
ding377   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Assistant Coach (Soccer); Common App / Work experience [2]

worth nothing more than the community service hours and the satisfaction experienced from helping others. When I first read this part, the two things seem to contradict one another. I think you can cut out the part about satisfaction from helping others for a great contrast leading into your next sentence.

1) The beginning of your essay is good, but then you get a bit off track. It seems like you're only using your volunteer experience as an opening to talk about learning from kids. While you should be analyzing how volunteering has benefited you, you should also be talking about the volunteer service. Maybe you could talk about one particular instance in which one of the kids taught you something new.

2) I would rework the last two paragraphs and try to spend a little more time talking about the volunteer experience.
3) Writing about a flaw is fine, but make sure you end the essay with something positive like how you've learned from this flaw.

Good luck on your common app :)
ding377   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Alleviating the pain in others; Johns Hopkins: Why did you pick this major? [6]

Wow, really good essay! If there's something you want to change, you could try making it more personal. Was there a specific event that inspired you to study medicine? You may not have enough room for that, though. If you need to, I think you can omit the last paragraph. Even though it's really good, it doesn't tell Johns Hopkins a lot about why you're choosing bio as your major. Good luck!
ding377   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Family- Strandford: What matters to you? [4]

Love your essay! The only thing I added was a few commas. If there's anything I would change, it would be to make the essay a little more descriptive. Maybe spend some more time talking about what you guys did during your visit with your grandmother? Good luck with the rest of your app to Stanford!

Also, could you edit my essay too? Thanks!
ding377   
Dec 28, 2012
Writing Feedback / "Talk is cheap"- "All mankind is divided into three classes" [8]

However, I refuse to let this stereotype justify me as a person who is too afraid to move, too afraid to act. Justify? It might make more sense if you said something like I refuse to let this stereotype reduce me to a person who is...

I maintained a strong relationship amongwith these people

Great essay overall! Would you mind helping with mine too? Good luck on the rest of your apps!
ding377   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / The sport began for myself; Common App- Short Answer on Lacrosse [4]

When I started sixth grade, (the sport began for myself.) A little awkward in the wording. Maybe try I began playing the sport myself.

I adapted to the girl's sport rather quickly using my observations from my brother'sbrothers' games, and I began to love it.

This essay seems really good. I learned a lot about you and how lacrosse changed you as a person. Good luck with the rest of your app. :)
ding377   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Teen Court; Common App Extracurricular [13]

This is my response to the following prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

With my head held high, I walked back into the courtroom and took my seat. The tension in the air was palpable as I sat with bated breath, waiting for the judge to read the verdict. For me, this was the reason I joined Teen Court as a juror. In this program, a jury composed of teenagers sentence first-time offenders of misdemeanors. When I first discovered the Teen Court of (insert city name), I eagerly decided to participate. By listening in on the hearings and contributing to the sentencing process, I developed a real appreciation for my civic duty, to serve as a jury member. Furthermore, the trials grant me the opportunity to absorb the inner workings of the legal system, a field in which I hope to pursue a career. Not only does Teen Court teach me about court cases, but it also allows me to discern why other teenagers feel the need to commit misdemeanors. Most importantly, though, Teen Court offers me the chance to help other teenagers move on from their mistakes.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Let me know if you would like me to edit any of your essays too. Thanks!
ding377   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Difference between raw and cooked egg/ Stanford Intellectual Vitality [9]

The natural response to "What is the difference between a raw egg and a cooked egg?" should be mundane comments about the variation in taste and texture.

Another suggestion: If you ask someone "What is the difference between a raw egg and a cooked egg?", mundane comments about the variation in taste and texture usually follow.

As an inquisitive kindergartener, I felt strongly about justifying my understanding of the book "The Ugly Duckling" through hatching my own eggs.
What was your understanding of the book?

Therefore, I want to go to go to college to allow my intellectual curiosity to guide my learning.

Great essay! Although the last line about growing mushrooms made me laugh, I think the idea could be misunderstood by the Stanford admissions officers.
Good luck with the rest of your application!
ding377   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I felt the inexplicable sense of achievement;Extracurricular Essay (Tutoring ) [4]

Last year I received a thank you letter from my one ofone of my students' mother. Reading the letter of appreciation for guiding her child positively, I felt the inexplicable sense of achievement. Most pleasure of my life comes from the sharing of knowledge with others. So, so I have been tutoring since I was in 6th grade. (Not only teaching school subjects, but also counseling their problems have been enriching my life.) Not a complete sentence. Maybe "Not only do I teach school subjects, but counseling their problems has also enriched my life." When I teach my students, I do not simply teach how to solve a problem. I always look for the best method to raise their interest and understanding of the subject. In that process, I often find the efficient way that also helps me Help you what? . Since any stress and worries affect the studying efficiency, I usually try to counsel any concern of my student. As we talk a lot and find the settlement, I learn the wisdom that benefits my life. I feel great joy when I see the positive result of the students. As I continuedto tutoringafter I moved to the USAThis part isn't really relevant to the overall idea of tutoring. If you need to cut down on something for characters, then I'd recommend taking this out. , I want (to keep my pleasure) suggestion: continue to do so even at thein college.

Here are a few suggestions. Would you mind looking over my extracurricular response too? Thanks.
Good luck on the rest of your app!
ding377   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / College of Arts and Sciences; UPenn Sup/ Engage academically [2]

I have my general direction, but need the direct experience for self-clarification.

The countless research opportunities are seekedsought out by the students themselves.

I did not want to be bindedbound during my undergraduate years and want to be in contact with as many different people and can do so with my multiple interests.

Good essay - very specific about what you want to do. Good luck with the rest of your Penn application!

Would you look over my essay too, please? Thanks!
ding377   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I MOVE/ U Penn/ Ben Franklin essay. [4]

Very good essay overall. One suggestion I have is to give more details in the 3rd paragraph. Rather than just listing several examples of how you move, pick one or two and go into more detail about them specifically. Good luck on the rest of your applications!

Would you mind looking at my essay too, please? Thanks!
ding377   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I was rarely exposed to business. ; Common App / DECA [6]

It was sophomore year and among the extracurricular activities I had decided to join, the business competition club DECA was one which stood out.
You could reword this to something like "During sophomore year, I decided to join the business competition club, DECA, because it stood out to me.

Really liked your essay overall. The first 2 lines are good, but you can cut them out if you're trying to get rid of some stuff.

Good luck with the rest of your application! Would you mind looking at my extracurricular response too? Thanks!
ding377   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I love to laugh/ Curiosity; Stanford Supplment- Roommate/ What matter & why? [2]

no matter how different these people might be from me they can be pretty similar to me reword so you don't repeat "me" twice in the same sentence.

It's better :) The only other comment I have is that you repeat the phrase "do not know" in the last few sentences. Try rewording them so it's not so repetitive.
ding377   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Special needs student ; STANFORD - WHAT MATTERS TO YOU AND WHY? [16]

Hihihihi :) (It's me.) Here are my suggestions:

a special needs student to whomwho I teach at Kumon
Also, not everyone knows what Kumon is, so you may want to add that it's a learning center, etc.

This was his first day working with the new material.

He had officially moved from level 5A, learning sounds, to 4A. This is just a comment to make sure you didn't make a typo: Someone moves from level 5 to 4?

I had Payal, who was working on differentiating the "r" sound from the "l"; Erin, who, despite never completing any of her homework, was zooming through her reading; and Sam, who had trouble distinguishing sixteen from twenty-six, but now, a month later, was practicing (his plus two's.) adding two.

Love your essay <3
ding377   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / I hear the samba music playing ; extracurricular activity [2]

My mindset is relaxed, yet my body is lively.

Every time I dance, I am carried away to another place - a place that does not revolve around stress, apprehension, or fear. Instead, I am transported to a place where I am confident, carefree, and elated.

Wow, this is great! Other than a few commas, I couldn't find any errors.
Would you mind looking over my extracurricular essay too?
ding377   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Mousetrap car - STANFORD UNIVERSITY - INTELLECTUAL VITALITY [5]

ReshmaA, I could really only find one sentence that you added in the edited version. I still think the how it affected you is a little weak. If you need to take something out, I'd recommend taking out some of the details of your many attempts. Even though I really want you to keep the ending, it's not entirely necessary either.
ding377   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / I'm a foodie of a close-knit community; Brown Sup/ Community [10]

Sometimes the food remains untouched, or worse, grows cold, but soon my mother makes us well aware well aware of what? , and we briefly begin to dig in.

I agree with HarvardAccept: I don't think you really mention why your group is important and how it's shaped you.
Also this might just be me, but I'm left a little confused about who is your group. The entire community? Your family? A food club? Try making this a little more clear to your readers.
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