Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Keep your old friends or form new friends? [3]

I am not an expert user however I offer a few suggestion from my side.
"Types of friendships vary so are the numbers of them from times to times"... Types of friendships vary and so does the number of friends from time to time.

" It is difficult for people to form such strong bonds,(comma) as they did in their young innocent years,(younger days) ."

" (It is) As if people lose their ability to trust people ..."

"When they finish their college studies (not required) , work and luck (lack) of time makes it more difficult to withhold some friendships or maintain their quality (maintain all friends) "

Essays / Help starting my intro and conclusion to research paper on performance enhancing drug [4]

You may start your report with something like this..

Sports has been a part of our culture from a long time and sports champions have been highly respected. The fame and glory associated has attracted many to try their luck. And as in all fields, some have tried the short cuts as well, performance enhancing drugs being one of them.

Writing Feedback / What should children do during their leisure time? [3]

Dear Xiaokai, thank you for your feedback. I agree that my last paragraph should have been more profound. thanks Abhilash

Writing Feedback / TOEFL WRITING: Why going to university or college [5]

Hi candy2571, some corrections from my side.

"Nowadays, attending in university seems to be a trend that most students follow to". ....Nowadays, attending University seems to be a trend among students.

But why people are going to university? In my opinion, there should be some reasons." But why (are students ) going to Universities ? Some of the reasons are as follows.

"Firstly, people attending in university will acquire subject knowledge firmly and systematically.".... People attending Universities would acquire in depth and systematic knowledge of their subjects.

"They should attend in classes, discuss on major with others, do assignment after classes and so on" ...They are required to attend classes, engage in group discussion and complete their assignments on a regular basis.

"All these go on in a scientific progress, and at the end of a team, final exam will, in generally, ensure that students have a good commend of the knowledge on the subjects" ....All these will help students to progress, and the end term examination ensures that the students have a good command of their subjects. ---( I am not sure of this construct)

"During period of studying, they should read many relative materials and thought deeply on the issue, so their studying and analysis skill will be improved" ....While studying they should refer material other than their course books and develop deep insight into their subjects. This would further improve their analytical skills.

"At the same time, there should be some difficulty in the way, such as the time arrangement, choosing problem, students should try to overcome them and adjust themselves all the time." ...There would be challenges such as time management and decision making, but the students must learn to overcome them.

"Secondly, life in campus is colorful and diversity, student can enjoy their life during the time" .... Campus life is colorful and diverse and students can have a lot of fun during this time.

"There are so many activities which university students can take part in, such as knowledge competition games which students can pick up knowledge in a interesting form, parties which students can dress up to show their beauty and confidence" ....There are many activities in Universities in which students can take part. Such as knowledge competition and fashion shows where they can demonstrate their talents.

"These events pervade good chance for university students to make friends and have a deeper understanding about others".... These events provide a good platform for making new contacts.

"What's more, there are some opportunities to get a close contact with society, such as some programs hold by company which students will join staffs in doing some work, so these students could learn much by the opportunity of communicating and dealing problem with social elites and experts." .... Some students might get a chance to work with companies, where they could learn from experienced staff members. ( i would need to reconstruct this sentence in a better manner)

"Lastly, with a full education in university, students will get a degree which seems as a access to a good job".... Finally with an University degree students would be eligible for good jobs.

"Now many companies prefer to employ people who at least own bachelor degree".... Today most companies prefer to hire University graduates.

"If a person who do not have this degree, especially in crisis time, it should be a disadvantage to find a job".... A person who is not qualified would find it difficult to find a job, especially during a crisis period.

"This does not mean that the bachelor degree paper is important, but it means the studying in university which has prepared the skill and ability useful in next work."...Getting a degree is not the most important thing, what matters are the skills that one learns in a University.

"So, as I have mentioned above, there are some reason for why students want to go university." ...Your final paragraph should be a little more elaborated.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; School should purchase Books or Computers for the library? [3]

Hi aria, some corrections from my side. I am providing a line by line correction, for overall content correction moderators will have to pitch in.

"It's the century of 21 and the day of internet." .... It is the 21st century and the age of internet.

"Thereexist a lot of app's applications (avoid short forms) that we can install on our PC's and read a lot of books on-line" ...There are a lot of applications which can be installed on our computers to read online e-books.

" I have a lot of reasons that I would give some of the most important of them in this essay." ....There are a lot of reasons however in this essay i will mention a only few.

"At first and the important one that I suggest the computers for schools is for internet"....The most important usage of computers in schools is for the internet.

"By surfing on internet we can go through all the world"...Internet gives us access to a world of information.

"Our schools library can make e-library and I will useful also for future"....Schools can start e-libraries which will last for a long time.

"Contract contrary by books, files on computers do not need to a lot spaces and keeping them is more easier"....Files on computers need much lesser space than real books.

"Their exist a lot of online lesson's that only by buying computer can teach to students.".... There is a lot of material which is available only online.

"For these pose reasons I prefer to computers rather than library for our school."....For these reasons i prefer to have computers rather than a library for our school.

"Another reason for supporting my idea, is that nowadays students spend the most of their time by on computers."

" If we would like to teach more to them we can use than new apps"...New computer applications can be used to teach a variety of subjects.

" I remember that W when I was in high school I learnt my chemistry only by doing it by an app that was produced by a school in the America"...I remember when I was in high school, I learnt my chemistry only by using an application developed by an American school.

"At last but not at least, my reason that I like our school buy computers rather than books for library is for games that we can do by computers."....Last but not the least, computers can also be used to play games.

"Maybe you are thinking that all the games are useless for educational"....Some people think that computer games have no educational benefits.

"In the last year by a medical company, a game that in it we could learn about how we can learn medicine produced"...Last year a medical company released a game which teaches how medicines are produced.

"My brother bought it because he was studying at university in major of medical science"...My brother bought this because he was doing his MBBS.

" I had been learnt a lot by playing this game and I am enthusiasm for medicine now"....I have learnt a lot by playing this game and was encouraged to take up medicine.

" I this year in the course of elementary knowledge for medicine also I got the first score in our class"....I took up an elementary course in medicine this year and stood first in my class.

"Also when I took part in a competition that was between all the schools in our province also I got the first place in medicine."....I also participated in the inter school competition and was the winner in the medicine category. ( moderators would need to further correct this)

"All in all, I suggest that our school buy some computers for a lot of reasons."....As a conclusion i would suggest that our School should invest in computers.

"Easiness in keeping the files on computers, using a lot of e-courses on internet, E-games and any other thing that time do not let me to mention them here."....Saving space by using e-books, having access to online material and computer games among other factors motivate me to say so. ( moderators please correct this sentence as well)

Writing Feedback / Are we always doing things that we enjoy? IELTS [8]

Hi gyal, I will provide a line by line correction. Experts and moderators will have to help with overall content.

Yes I m agree this statement.--------> Yes I agree with this statement ( actually not a very good way to start)

Some people are going things that there are not enjoy doing.-----> Some people do things they actually do not enjoy doing.

In this world they have verity of situation and it not mean what they are doing something that all are he or she had interested and enjoy to doing this. --------> There are lot of reasons for them to do so.

So here I have some reasons and examples for my agreement.-----> Following are the arguments from my side.

Firstly, in some country they have very concern and respect for their traditional.(hi friend i am not sure that its a traditional,) -------> In some countries people are tightly bound by their culture.

For example the young people must be accept for arrangement marriage,----->For example, for marriage ready sons or daughters an alliance is arranged by their parents. ( can be simpler)

but in the modern life most of young people are not interest and enjoy for this kind of marriage and they want their choice.-----> but nowadays young people are not interested in arranged marriages.

That is parents demand and forces to do that. ----> Parents sometimes force their children for it.

That life is not perfect and some in cause young people are suicide them self. ---> this leads to a stressful life causing young couples to commit suicide.

Secondly, in some business family they have rule like that. If father of their family is dead or sick. The first son will take care all the response the family matter and take their business.------> Some business families have a rule that if the father falls sick or passes away, the eldest son has to take his place.

But son don't interest in business and his major subject is others and not related to the business.---> The son might have different interests than continuing with the family business.

Then that is their rule and must be follow it.----> But he still has to follow the family tradition.

Thirdly, in the school some of students not interest and willing to do study but that is parents force to do it and they thought that without education we cannot job in future.----> Furthermore some children are not interested in academics however their parents force them to attend school, stating that without proper education they will not be able to find good jobs later.

but its like wasting their time and money spending on children. ---> Parents are actually wasting their time and money on such kids.

In finally I would to like to say that. Everybody wants to do what they want or wish to do. -----> As a conclusion i would like to say that everybody should be free to do what they want.

But in this circumstance is very hard to do and some things we must be follow the rule of traditional and parents orders. -----> It is not always possible to follow ones heart as there traditions and parent's wishes to cater to.

So this is some people are doing something is not enjoy doing. -------> that is why some people do things they actually do not enjoy doing.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; Businesses should only concentrate on profit making! [2]

hi aria, corrections from my side. I am providing a line by line correction so that the grammatical errors will be clear to you. However the content flow is not at all clear in this essay. You need to organize your writing better.

No one can ever deny that a lot of businesses are doing anything for making a profit-------> It is a known fact that a lot of Businesses would do anything to make profit.

Any person do anything which can make a buck in his life.-----> A person will do anything to make some money ( not sure how this sentence is relevant here)

I do not agree to do any thing to thrive in our businesses. ----> I do not agree to this.

We can bother, make a problem for others and this is not good.--------> It would put others in trouble.

First and most important, making advantages for our business would has pros point if we do not bother someone. -----> ( I did not understand this) Running a business without harming someone would have its own advantages.

The president of a company would love to have flourish in his business. -------> The president of the company would love his business to flourish.

However, he should not make any problem for employees.------> However he should not create problems for his employees.

If income of the company going to being better, he must pay higher salary or award to those who works better --------> If the company is earning good profit it should pay its employees better.

The company must be like a family. ---------> (no changes from my side)

In family we help to each other to make a better life. In result, all of us take advantages for it in family.------->In a family we help each other.

Another reason wich which renders my vantage point for do not doing anything for making a profit is overall reason.-------> ( I do not understand this sentence) Another important reason for not using unfair means for profit is...

I mean, we should not do something which only our goal be making disadvantages for another companies. -----> We should not do something only with the aim of damaging other companies. ( Sentence does not fit here)

We must take part in a healthy competition.-----> (no inputs here, sentence seems okay)

Some people thinks that competition meaning is disrupting the other side.------> Some people think that competition only means disrupting competitor's business.

For illustrate my point, think about a company who make a kind of ingredient for food. ----------> For example consider a company which produces some kind of food ingredient.

The healthy competition would not be something that makes a problem for other company. -------> Healthy competition does not create an issue for anybody.

Maybe another ingredients additional to ours can make a better and delicious food.------->Maybe adding another ingredient would make the food taste better.

So our profits must not make any problem for another person or business.-------> So our business does not inhibit another business.

In light of the foregoing, I hold the view that business must make profits only in a way which do not make any problem to another one.---------->As a conclusion I would like to reiterate that businesses should follow just means of profit making and not harm others.

Writing Feedback / Are we always doing things that we enjoy? IELTS [8]

gyal
Hi gyal, get a copy of Wren and Martin and start practicing your grammar. It takes time but would be worth the effort.
All the best
George

Undergraduate / Next four years as a UC San Diego Triton is the best thing that could happen to me! [4]

Hi samanthaaaj, few corrections from my side.

I find myself to be a well-rounded and creative free spirit... well-rounded means over weight. May be you meant all rounder ?

...."yet laid- back and fun environment prove to be perfect fits for each other.

I find your sentences very long and sometimes confusing. I would be nice if you could break them into smaller ones.

Best regards
George

Writing Feedback / Comparison of three hostels in Sydney [6]

hi proabc123, This is a very well written essay. Just one correction from my side.

Therefore, World Square Hostel seems to be the best choice for tourist due to their its cost, location and convenient accommodations."

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Children are under increasing educational, social, and financial stress [5]

Currently, more students are suffered from overloading the stress from education, society and finance, which is believed as a positive development to make students achieve better academic performance by some individuals. ----------> Nowadays, increasing number of students are under undue stress and many believe that this helps them to perform better in academics.

However, as far as I concerned it is not a good idea to cultivate (children are not cultivated) raise children by giving them too much stress. -----------> I believe children should have a stress free environment.

It is except that children are under a proper stress that make them work harder than their peers.-----> It is not true that stress makes children work harder than their peers.

In terms of schooling, I admit that the stress, sometimes, can become a motivation to those children, who are going to work hard in order to get rid of stress.------->( I do not understand this sentence at all ) However it may be a motivator to perform better at school.

In addition, by exposing to stress, children might learn how to tackle the problems that they may meet during working life, which is a good practice on school before they start their real social life.------>( very long and confusing sentence) It may also help to develop problem solving skills in them, which will be useful later.

Unfortunately, some children complaint that they are indeed taking too much pressure from educational, social, and financial problems. --->Unfortunately, some children complaint that they have too much pressure due to educational, social and financial problems.

It seems the pressure could not be released easily by themselves, regardless of what solutions they come up with. -----> It seems to be very difficult to get rid of this pressure.

As a consequence of that, children are disappointed by their academic results that are caused by the stress, and entering a vicious cycle.------> As a result children are disappointed with their academic results, which results in further more stress and the vicious cycle continues.

In my opinion, children are undertaken too much stress than what we expected. ----> In my opinion children are taking too much stress, than expected.

Sometimes the stress create a huge burden to children, if they can not deal with it properly.-----> Sometimes stress creates a huge burden on children if they cannot delay with it properly.

In order to have a healthy cycle in schooling, we should focus on how to cultivate the interests of study rather than pushing children forward just by giving them stress.----> Focus should be on cultivating interest towards studies rather than forcing it on kids. This would lead to much better learning and performance.

Undergraduate / Global Study Program ; Statement of purpose for an exchange program [3]


I am applying in writing for the position...


...exchange to **** to achieve my goal.


Initially,*** provided a comfortable environment for studying


This practice OR These practices...


China has seen America...


as a Chinese....

Writing Feedback / "Success is harder to accept than Failure" [4]


If i had graduated with flying colors, I am sure i would not have had to deal with all the pressure from ....


This became my routine for a couple...


I observed that most of the test takers in my room were....


but i did not want to stress myself


the papers that would determine ....


no matter how difficult they were.

Writing Feedback / Mr. Heng taught me the value of HARDWORKING; My favorite TEACHER [7]


and he always sports a crew-cut


Mr Heng is a person who has influenced me a lot


he taught me to work hard


i have always scored high marks in science


Mr Heng lives just downstairs


he is willing to share his experiences with me.


Whenever I get into trouble...


I would turn to him for his advice.


he helps me to see my parents' point of view.

Undergraduate / challenging coursework; Sounth CarolinaHonors College/academic goals [3]


appreciation of the opportunities given to me

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: (Dis/agree) spend money as you earn it or not [3]

Hi Xiaokai Jin, You do not need to introduce the reasons for your opinion in the first paragraph. Because later it sounds repetitive.

Graduate / Environmental issues are complex and interrelated; MBA Program IMR; Motivation Letter [2]

hi shahnaz, In my opinion this is good essay. If you could break up the first paragraph into smaller ones it would increase readability.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends? [3]


This means that their pain is increasing. I guess you meant the pains related to growing up. You may reword for better understanding.



This can be worded better like, I will quote my own example.


My partner in the school badminton team was person with whom I hardly interacted before. ( this can be further improved)


Their friendship is so strong that it will last for a lifetime.



and have a good time....