Writing Feedback / Being a celebrity: a dream or a nightmare? [6]

Being a celebrity: a dream or a nightmare?

Generally, fame is usually considered as a source of power and quality life. From the fans perspective, it's their fancy, their dearest aim to replicate their stars' clothing and everyday actions to feel satisfaction. Nevertheless, some still reckon that celebrity can be a true nightmare due to many factors. So, the real question is how can fame made people miserable rather than giving them the perfect taste of a cozy life?

In fact, when it comes down to famous people, we all keen on the bright and sensational part of their lives: the expensive cars, hot chicks, unique penthouses. They're wanted for pictures, signing autographs and even hand shakes by fans who take their stars as idols and real success examples. They're followed insanely on social media and their comments or pictures are considered red-hot news that shortly go viral. Thus, these ordinary people, who achieved progress, especially actors and singers, are utterly followed, admired and worshiped by others. From my perspective, I think, when doing their jobs, celebrities are more likely to enjoy gusty moments, yet, as fans can be genuinely rigid, fame can give some headaches regarding personal life.

Logically, celebrities hold a reputation that they're not willing to ruin, as a matter of fact they want appear to the crowd the way they plan to avoid embarrassing moments, hereupon, being followed by nosy people is frustrating. Let me break down for you, for instance, a famous person is actually an ordinary human being who have needs like sleeping peacefully, enjoying some privacy at home and meeting personal friends who doesn't want to get involved in "fame life". So, his life could be corrupted by getting seen in uncomfortable positions because there are people whose duty is to follow famous people and get them anguished by selling pictures of celebrities to magazines to give people a glance at their idols' personal life. Apparently, the paparazzi, who I was talking about, seems to be a true nightmare for them. Sometimes, the facts or the pictures revealed are far too dangerous or embarrassing that celebrities could accept giving away their reputation to get saved from the shame. Facts like getting proof of a singer taking drugs or pictures showing an actor having desperate needs that make them a pedophile can be counted as cases that ruined famous people's lives heretofore.

Taking a closer look on both sides of celebrity life, I find that fame is just a mis-behavioral chain reaction that led a totally successful and respected person into the hurricane of social media. Despite, what it has as advantages, it has severe stains on the famous people's psychological health and well-being. So, living with success as a dark horse is definitely a permanent solution; you're respected, loved but ultimately flying off the nosy people's radar.

To sum up, whether you're in the shadows or known by everyone around you, you need to make sure to make the right decisions to avoid people's attention or to put a space between your job and your privacy in order to have quiet as any human being needs.

Scholarship / Why I feel that I deserve this scholarship (150 words) [9]

Dear Dennis,
your essay seemed genuinely straight forward. You talked about your achievements in a very accurate way, although, I didn't get to know you as a person through it. I reckon you should be talking about the benefits you've had and how these experiences influenced you. However, there's room for improvement but a good effort, thank you.

Undergraduate / 'all drugs come with side effects' - Issue of importance; feel free to critique any mistakes. [8]

Dear Maha,
Paragraph 1: * Many are minor --> ...trivial ("minor" is usually used before a noun / e.g. Minor drugs)
* ..., and some are just plain strange --> and other types of drugs are plain obscure (Don't put a comma before an "and" / Avoid using "just" or "justly" in academic writing)

* I suppose that the 1st paragraph is the introduction of your essay. Well, it seemed like you got caught up in talking about drug types and their side effects in an accurate way, which should be avoided in the introduction. Hence, the introduction should be short, precise and mysterious in order to induce the reader to keep on reading.

Paragraph 2: * One of the person in many different drug users is my dad --> One of the many drug users is my dad.
* These drugs not only waken the immune system but also makes body habitual of their usage --> These drugs not only weaken the immune system but also make their usage a body habit.

* When arguing, you need to make sure that you organize your arguments between presenting the thesis, explaining it and giving examples. However, the argument presented was wholly about your father and his story with drugs. Thus, you should have put a greater emphasis on explaining the thesis. Regarding your example, I want give a tip; try to not use examples which are related to your personal life. I advise to use examples that are most likely to be common knowledge like official statistics, researches' results ...etc, in order to be more convincing.

Paragraph 3: * diseases can be minimized by not taking lots of calories such as Jung food and sodas --> ... avoiding to ingest high-calorie foodstuffs ... junk ...

* Your essay, as a whole, contained acceptable language. It's definitely a good effort, yet there's room for improvement. Besides the grammatical, spelling and vocabulary mishaps, you had the right ideas but you didn't quite avail thembecause you didn't have an appropriate outline. Therefore, you should consider putting the main ideas you'll be talking about in order in you scratch paper before you start working on your essay.

Thank you.

Writing Feedback / Should kids study a foreign language as early as possible? IELTS2 [7]

Dear Dicki,
Here are some tips and corrections that may be helpful:

* Paragraph 1: * All children should study a foreign language in school since in the earliest grades --> It's fundamental that children learn a foreign language at an early age (I merely tried to enhance your sentence to give your essay an academic aspect)

* ...,but others tend to disagree while studying a foreign language ... --> while others tend to disagree even though studying ...
* ... children shouldknows ... --> know (without an "s" / Rule: Subject + should + infinitive verb [- to])

* Paragraph 2: * It is argued that studying a foreign language in the earliest grades help children to explore more. This is because it will ... --> Teaching children foreign languages at an early age to improve their observation and exploring skills has always been a topic of argument and discussion because ... (The sentence you used is already put in the first paragraph. Thus, in order to keep your essay worth-reading you need to vary the expressions and the used vocabulary) .

* ... This is because it willencourages ... --> encourage (The simple future tense conjugation rule: Subject + will + infinitive verb [-to]) .
* ... subjecs ... --> subjects
* Fot the example , ... --> For example (You can use "For instance", too);
* They will mades their friend ... --> ... made their friends.
* ... so there will be a challanges to be better (mis-constructed) --> ... so they will be challenged to get better in the language they're learning.

* It is thus, children should learn the foreign language earlier. --> this sentence is useless because the idea you added is aforementioned twice in different words (BEWARE of repetition when not needed).

* Paragraph 3: * It is unavoidable that knowing well their own languages is a necessary for children --> It is unavoidable how essential for children to master their native languages before getting into learning other languages' business.

* ... childrens ... environtment ... --> children / environment.

Final Review: * Your essay definitely needed much more clarification and explanation. The vocabulary is average. You did lots of conjugation and spelling mishaps that reflected badly on the information provided in your arguments. Therefore, I strongly recommend that you spell check your future essays before representing them and try to learn the conjugation and grammar rules because they are of a paramount importance in your score. However, you should keep practicing such essays in order to applicate these rules.

Thank you for the effort, anyway.

Writing Feedback / Fewer languages can make communication easier, so why bother to protect them from dying out? [5]

Paragraph 1: * ... that fewer languages --> that few languages
* I disagree with the viewpoint ... --> this
* I believe that language also act as other important roles in our life rather than ... --> ... has also other important roles in people's lives ...

* Clearly, you didn't pose your thesis quite properly, all you have done is rewriting the topic given in a very much similar way. This mistake can affect your essay in a genuine negative way, especially if you are writing your essay for academic purposes (IELTS)

Paragraph 2: * First, language is a vital tool loading with people's ethnic identity and connects and relationship of people from the same hometown (mis-constructed) --> First of all, language is a vital tool that gives each group of people their own ethnic identity and connects them proving their share to the same cultural interests and mindsets.

* ... Indigenous Taiwanese who lives ... --> live ("Indigenous Taiwanese" can be replaced by "they", that's why we don't put an "s")

Paragraph 3: * ... even though we never met European people ... ---> ... we have never met ... (The sentence does not contain any time indications hence you should use the present perfect)

* ... we imagine them to be gorgeous ... --> high-class ("gorgeous" is used to describe someone physically / e.g. "gorgeous body", "gorgeous girl").

* General Review: * You have written an average essay that can be amended especially by avoiding some unforgivable conjugation mistakes at the academic level. You some expression mistakes. However, I think you should have explained the arguments you chose to develop with more depth. Your essay's outline is rather correct. Regardless of the mistakes aforementioned, you have chosen good ideas to discuss with appropriate examples and a rather-acceptable style. Finally, I would recommend that you keep practicing and trying to mind what I have told you.

Thank you, for the effort.

Grammar, Usage / What are the differences between Simple past and Past Tense ? [6]

Dear Isai,
The English language's tenses are 17. Down below I'll be showing you the tenses and their usage.

Simple Present / Present Progressive (or Continuous) / Simple Past / Past Progressive / Present Perfect / Present Perfect Progressive / Past Perfect / Past Perfect Progressive / Simple Future I (Will) / Simple Future I (Going to) / Future I Progressive / Simple Future II / Future II Progressive / Conditional I Simple / Conditional I Progressive / Conditional II Simple / Conditional II Progressive.

Basically, to figure out in what tense you should conjugate the verb, you need to look for any time indications (e.g. today, tomorrow)
1/ Simple present (a.k.a. present tense):
* Action occurring at an exact and immediate time once (Affirmative form), never (Negative form), several times (Question).
* General truth: an information that is widely known and take part in the common knowledge (e.g. The earth is round / Drugs are prejudicial ...)
* Sayings and cliches: (Go hit the books, they don't hit back [Cliché] / A bird in hand is worth two in the bush [Saying])
* Medical prescriptions and day-to-day advices.

--> Conjugation: (Affirmative)
* All verbs (except "to be", "to have"):
- I, he, she, it --> -s (verb + s) / e.g. to eat: He eats, she eats, it eats.
- I, you, we, they --> verb [without changes] (-to) / e.g. to talk: I talk, you talk, they talk, we talk.
* Verb "to be": I am ('m), you are ('re), they are ('re), we are ('re), he is ('s), she is ('s), it is ('s) { Avoid using contractions in academic writing.

* Verb "to have": I have ('ve), you have ('ve), we have ('ve), they have ('ve), he has ('s), she has ('s), it has ('s) { Avoid using contractions in academic writing.

P.S: Verbs, that ends up with an "h", takes an "e" before the "s" with: he, she, it.

2/ Present progressive:
* Action occurring at the present time and taking a limited period of time [the action is not immediate] (e.g. Isai is jogging all along the forest).

* Action taking place at the moment of speaking (e.g. The press are exclusively covering Orlando's gay club attacks).
* Action arranged for the future (e.g. The senate elections results are announced soon).

--> Conjugation: (Affirmative)
All verbs (No exceptions):
* Verb "to be" conjugated with the given pronoun + the initial verb (-to) (e.g. He is struggling / They are performing a theater play / I am feeling better)

3/ Simple past (a.k.a. Past tense):
* Action taking place in the past, at a precise moment, once (Affirmative form), never (Affirmative form) or several times (Question) (e.g. I had a nightmare, last night / I didn't visit my uncle, during summer vacations / Did they win their game?)

* Action taking place in the middle of another (e.g. If Italked , they would have asphyxiate me to death)

--> Conjugation:
* Affirmative form : (Regular verbs): [All pronouns] verb+ed (e.g. I talked / they watched / We managed / you eliminated)
(Irregular verbs): [Here is the list of all irregular verbs I could help you with]: "Check out the attached PDF file herewith".
* Negative form : (All verbs without exceptions): Verb "to do" in the past tense (did) + not + the initial verb (-to) (e.g. Ecologic meeting didn't give much of solution to fix the seriously dangerous environmental crisis / The majority in the Congress didn't decide to disable the discussed law ...)

* Interrogative form (Question): Verb "to do" in the past tense (did) + subject + the initial verb (-to) (Did you finish your homework? / Did my mother arrived home?).

4/ *Past Perfect Simple:
* Action taking place before a certain time in the past (e.g. He had visited her before she told the police to intervene)
* It can be interchangeable with the past perfect progressive.
* Putting emphasis on the fact (the past perfect progressive focuses on the duration of the event).

5/ * Future Tense (going to): (a.k.a. Future Simple):
* Decision made for the future / Planning (e.g. I am going to visit the gymnasium later)
* Conclusion with regard to the future (e.g. He got low GPA and SAT scores, he is, definitely, not going to apply for top-class colleges)

--> Conjugation:
* Affirmative: verb "to be" + going to (e.g. The president is going to leave the white house as soon as the new elected president do the sworn statement).

* Interrogative: verb "to be" + subject + going to (e.g. Is he going to have his stomach fed in the foster family?)
* Negative: verb "to be" + not going to (e.g. I'm not going to sign any paperwork if I don't get promotion).

6/ * Future Tense (will):
* Action in the future that cannot be influenced (e.g. He will die no matter what).
* Spontaneous decision (e.g. Any dog will logically counterattack roguishly if attacked).
* Assumption with regard to the future (e.g. The military will get prepared if ever threatened by WW III).

--> Conjugation:
* Affirmative: will + verb (-to).
* Negative: will not (won't) + verb (-to).
* Interrogative: will + subject + verb (-to).

7/ * Conditional Simple:
* An action that might take place (e.g. Under LSD's influence, the narrator would kill anyone in front of him).

--> Conjugation:
* Affirmative: would + verb (-to).
* Negative: would not (wouldn't) + verb (-to).
* Interrogative: would + subject + verb (-to).

* Well, I tried to explain the most commonly used tenses and provide two attached files herewith for your benefit. Talking with depth about these tenses would take ages, hence, I wanted to simplify things. I hope you get to benefit.

• 
  Post_3.png
  
• 
  The tenses' time line and their positions herein
  

Writing Feedback / Talk about the pros/cons of this era as is full of daily inventions. [4]

Dear Smith,

* Paragraph 1: * ... patents have filed around ... --> ... were filed / You (should have used the passive voice "Patents don't file themselves" / We have an exact time indication "in year 2014", hence, you should have used the simple past rather than the present perfect)

* This essay will discuss advantages and disadvantage of these inventions with suitable examples. --> I'll be coming over the advantages and disadvantages of these inventions ("with suitable examples" is not genuinely worth-writing here because it will make your essay less formal or academic).

* Paragraph 2: * Your argument wasn't really developed. You didn't explain with depth the idea you were trying to deliver. Mind that an example is an important part of your argument's structure, yet, it should not be the main focus in your argument. Try explaining your thesis then uphold it with suitable example(s).

* General Review: Your essay is, definitely, a well-written one. You, generally, talked about what the topic demanded. Although, I might say that your essay lacked precision and depth. You chose clear examples to demonstrate both pros and cons of this era's invention, nevertheless, you should have taken care of developing your essay. For future betterment, I recommend that you keep practicing such essays and try to give it a personal touch that weigh if you're applying for academic tests.

Thank you for the effort.

Writing Feedback / People are never satisfied with what they have; they want something more or something different [4]

Thank you for the valuable feedback. You are right, it's a TOEFL integrated essay.

Writing Feedback / We can't affirm that the living certain place is better. [3]

Dear Hien,
I think that comments and remarks above have mostly summed up the changes and enhancements, you need to apply on your essay. Therefore, I will not be giving you grammatical and spelling remarks. I will recommend some amendments on your writing:

1) Avoid using adjectives like "best, better". This kind of adjectives are likely to give the comparison you want to make or the idea you want to advocate much less clear or straightforward.(e.g. living in the city is better than living in the countryside --> living in the city is "more comfortable", "more luxurious" ...)

2) Try to develop your arguments in a logical way. Make your argument following this outline: Thesis (The part of the topic that you will discuss in the rest of the paragraph) --> Development (You develop the thesis by showing its different sides and explaining them in order to make the idea aforementioned in the thesis clearer) --> Examples (Examples are essential in developing your arguments. There are different types of examples: facts, statics, quotes, logic and critical thinking examples).

P.S: Examples can lead after the thesis in your outline, yet, it should be done in an appropriate way where you strengthen your thesis with an example that precedes the explanation and development of your ideas.

3) Be more accurate when it comes down to vocabulary: Any essay should contain some key words that define the idea you want to defend or reject. In that case, you should, in your next essays, be focusing on enhancing the vocabulary you are using. Thus, I advise you to read more articles (NY Times, Washington Post, The Economist ...), read books and ultimately dig deeply in each word and its meaning to figure out proper uses for the word or expressions you are about to learn.

4) Finally, avoid using contractions (e.g. "it's ", "won't " ... --> Correct: it is , will not ).

Regardless the remarks I have pointed out above, reading your essay I felt that you had good ideas to mention. So, that is a good start. Anyway, thank you for the effort.

Writing Feedback / Teachers and schools for child development - Ielts writing task 2 evaluation and opinion [3]

Dear Vicky,

Overall, you have some grammatical and structural errors. However, I think the issue of your essay is the fact that you do not elaborate on your ideas. Whether you are presenting a debate or rising a question in the introduction or explaining the main point of a body paragraph you should offer examples and reasons to back your claims.

Simply stating facts is not going to make your essay solid.

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Describe charts showing students' opinions about services in their university library-Task1 Ielts [3]

Dear Tamtran,
I believe you have a clear understanding of the dos and don'ts of explaining charts, yet, I see some redundancy in your work. For instance, when you say "nearly 100% of full-time ..." and then say "In terms of opening hours, 99% ...", you are pretty much saying the same thing.

Other than that you are good.
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Writing task 1 IELTS Four social networking sites and their market share [3]

Dear Yasin,

As a whole, your essay deals with the necessary parts of the charts, effectively using statistics. However, if I have a remark to make, it would be advising you to work more on your sentence structure. Mainly, you should avoid structures that feel heavy on the tongue or sophisticated for no apparent reason like "... the Twitter users spending their time daily for twitting is the lowest one among ..., while the highest average spend is seen from Linkedin ... "

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / The table below shows the average user engagement for four social networking sites and the pie chart [3]

Dear Hanip,

The intent and organization is your essay are pretty good. You seem to know what you want to write about. However, the quality of your essay can be immensely undermined by the grammatical and structural mistakes you made. For instance, instead of saying "...", you can use "The table reveals how people prefer spending their time..." .

Overall, keep up the good work and you'll improve.

Good Luck!

Graduate / Audit and Finance LETTER FOR MASTER ADMISSION - the university offers the best opportunities for me [2]

Dear Ernest,

I am not going to delve deep into particular details from your writing. Instead, I am going to offer a couple of pointers that will help you craft a better essay.

1. Do not state the obvious. Speaking highly of a university's potential, research opportunities and generally prestige is something that will only take up space with no added value. The admission office knows how great their institution is, hence there is no need to emphasize it any more. Instead make your letter more personal, which brings me to my second point.

2. Make your essay personal. What I read in your essay are information that are not unique to you and, therefore, do not help you stand out in a group. If anything, certain cliches can even harm your chances for admission. So, what I would advise you to do is to use a large portion of your essay to speak of a personal story that no one else can relate to but you; a story that actually touches the admission officer and makes them feel genuine interest in pursuing studies at their institution.

I hope this helped! Good Luck!