Writing Feedback / Asking citizens to do military service or some social work - is it a good idea? Essay for Toefl exam [3]

Hi there, I have some opinion for your essay, I hope it helps.

1/ Grammar:
You might want to have a look carefully at your grammar mistakes; I have some examples:
- You may want to change to Your belong, the word "belong" itself is a Verb, and it needs a Subject.
- There are a few miswritten words: viewpoint, we don't need a space between it.
- anger => angry, and Adj follows "Be" will be more suitable.
-"Instead of building it => after instead of, we need a V-ing.
And so on.
2/ The content of the essay:
I don't think you answered directly to the prompt. Your second sentence, "however, the issue is ... against the idea" confused me because I don't know what your answer is, agree or disagree to the question? So I think your essay is off the topic and didn't respond well to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Modern communication have transformed people's time to contact with their friends [4]

HI there, I have some opinions about your essay, I hop it helps.
I will first indicate your grammar issues, and second, state my idea toward the coherent and cohesive in your writing.

1/ Grammar
- You may consider checking spelling and punctuation once you've done the essay. For example:
Nowadays => I believe that this is wrong typing.
As a result, modern forms of..... ; ...far away. Nevetherless,
- Other grammar mistakes such as:
...to be worry or to be worry = > "Be" and "worry" are two independent Verbs, and they can define the meaning in the sentence by themselves.

...much/any time or many times
The first sentence of your concluding paragraph is an incomplete sentence, that is a comparison sentence, and it is inappropriate in academic writing.
... to familiar to => the word familiar is an adj or N but doesn't have a verb form,
and there are some other issues that you might want to have a look later.
2/ Coherent and cohesive:
I think the paragraphs in your don't support each other quite well. Your topic sentence in the second paragraph is so confusing. I mark a question that why do people work to worry? The every each sentence following your the topic has been conducting different meanings and ideas: leisure time, far distance, save time, etc. which make me confused.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, going abroad for studying has been more and more popular, also among Vietnamese students [3]

Hi there, I think your essay is quite good at word usages, grammar structures, and the connection between paragraph is clear enough to indicate your point of views. However, I have some opinions toward your writing, and I hope it helps.

1/ We do not use "don't" in formal writing.
2/ I suggest to discuss more detail in your supporting idea rather than develop it into a short view. For example, in the second paragraph, you might consider explaining the topic sentence deeply: how to broaden your mind and harden yourself? And provide a specific example to demonstrate your idea precisely.

3/ You ought to avoid repeating words and search for more academic words to convey your thoughts appropriately. I think your writing contains informal tone and it makes you exceed word limited (you wrote 323 words) because you were using too many words to express an idea.

Writing Feedback / Restrict drivers to drive to large cities. [3]

Thank you very much! Your feedbacks have helped me a lot on my writing improvement. :)

Writing Feedback / International help for developing countries - what kind of help is the most needed? / IELTS essay [6]

Hi there, I have some opinions about your essays. Hopefully, It helps.

Your writing appeared to have had minor grammar issues; however, there are some mistakes that you could avoid when proofreading, such as:
- an economic growth => the article "an" may be redundant when used with the uncountable noun "growth"
- ...immunization, water sanitation, and hygiene
- Avoid using "There is/there are" to begin a sentence.

You seemingly used too many cohesive devices. For instance, in the 1st body paragraph, you put cohesive devices in each sentence which made your essay unnaturally. Your writing does not answer the prompt completely, and your opinion in each section is quite unclear. I suggest stating your opinion, support why did you agree or did not agree with the views in a separated paragraph.

Your conclusion is too short and does not summarize the main idea of your essay as well.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 Ielts: having a single career or having several careers [3]

Hi there,
I have some opinion about your essay, and I hope it helps.

1/ Grammar
...having many jobs in life seems to.... => Avoid using passive voice when it is unnecessary
- the dynamic, the motivation,... => perhaps you want to have a look at articles in your essay
- ....chose having.... => to choose + Obj + To - Inf; To choose sth/sb from/ between sth/sb.

2/ The content of the essay

- Introduction: Not sure about your introduction since you didn't write the question of the topic (Discuss both views, or advantages and disadvantages)
- I think you convey so many opinions in your paragraph and none of them is fully developed. For example, you mention experiences, money, soft skills, time-management, etc. You have plenty of ideas, and I think you should select one only and develop it by giving more detail about the information.

- You need to include examples in your writing to demonstrate your ideas, too.
- I don't think it's a good idea to put the opinion and conclusion in the same paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Different approaches when it comes to investing in building transport facility [3]

Hi there,
Your grammar and word usage are quite proper. However, there are some points that I found in your essay is inappropriate.

1/ You don't need the first two sentences in your introduction paragraph since it makes your essay is too long (over 300 words), and it doesn't add any ideas.

2/ This is an opinion essay, "Do you agree or not when...". Your answer is a discussion essay when you discuss both sides of the point of view, which failed you in answering the question correctly.

3/ I think you should have stated an example in both the body paragraph, not just the first one.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: When designing, the use of a building is the most important, rather than appearance. [5]

Hi there,
I have some opinions about your essays. I hope it helps

1/ Grammar

There are some mistakes relating to grammar mistakes as following:
- On the one hand.......... On the other hand => Those linking device should come together like this
- ....believe that focusing on or the/ a focus of
-.... people seek for practical ways => we have a structure: seek sth (according to Cambridge Dictionary)
- effectively solution => effective solutions.
...and some other mistakes that you might want to have a look at it.

2/ I think you failed to response the task since the question is: " To what extent do you agree or disagree?", it's an opinion essay and your answer is to discuss both sides of this view.

Writing Feedback / Should children be inspired to compete or to cooperate? My point of view. [4]

Hi there,
I think your essay is pretty good at grammar and arguments. However, I have some opinion about your essay, I hope it helps.

1/ The content of the essay

I think your introduction is slightly off-topic because it confuses me. Your idea and argument appear to answer for the "advantages outweigh disadvantages" type, while this topic requires you to discuss both views and give your opinion.

You don't mention any particular benefits regarding the two point of views, so it affects the connection between the three paragraphs (introduction, paragraph 1 and 2)

Your topic sentence in the body paragraphs is a bit too general even though you can explain them in the second sentence. And they convey too many ideas that can't be fully developed in the entire paragraph.

I don't think you should use a personal example in academic writing.

Your conclusion doesn't summarize the whole body paragraph as you omitted 1 view (children co-operation).

2/ Grammar
The main errors in your essay are related to articles. I'll point out some mistakes:

- ....reasons why the co-operation among children.... => The is unnecessary in this sentence because you're talking about a very general topic, and "co-operation" is an uncountable noun.

- ....four students to do a project....
- ....encourage the children to ...
-...... Despite the aforementioned benefits..... => This is specific because you've already talked about it in the previous paragraph, so we need "the" here.
- .....under a competitive and challenging ...
There are still some more, you might want to check it yourself.

-...... of team work... => teamwork

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Advantages and disadvantages of foreign language learning [3]

Hi there,

It looks like you're struggling with the outline of this type of topic. Here is my suggestion for this kind of essay, I hope it helps.

1/ Some general ideas about your essay.

You didn't convey the idea clearly in the introduction paragraph and this affects affect the connection of the paragraphs. Your arguments are vague and the length between paragraphs isn't equal, this will negatively affect your score. You add too many ideas in one paragraph and don't develop them fully, which will lower your mark regarding CC and TA.

2/ Recommended outline and generate ideas.

To deal with this kind of question, you need to ask yourself that you support which idea and point out advantages and disadvantages when learning a foreign language AT PRIMARY SCHOOL.

For example (base on your ideas and my opinion):
+ Advantage: they have less homework and more time to revise the lessons => consolidate the fundamental knowledge, which is helpful for advance learning (strong advantage)

+ Disadvantage: memorize vocabulary and grammar structures won't help primary students use the language effectively => learn the language naturally by imitating (this is an argument indicating that the disadvantage is not a big deal)

=> The advantage outweighs the disadvantage
=> You need to mention both the reasons why the advantage outweighs the disadvantage after you paraphrase the topic in your introduction. This question doesn't ask "GIVE YOUR OPINION", so you should avoid using "in my opinion" in the writing.

So the introduction will look like this: "Paraphrase the topic. What is the advantage, and what is the disadvantage? The advantage far outweighs the disadvantage" - 3 sentences and don't mention "I", "In my opinion", etc.

Each body paragraph, you need to develop how the advantage and the disadvantage will be to illustrate why one outweighs another. You shouldn't write too many advantages and disadvantages, they won't help.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Rewarding outstanding employees by giving them extra money [6]

Hi there,
I have some opinions about your essay. I hope it helps.

1/ Grammar
There are so many grammar mistakes related to word choices and collocations. Here are some examples:

- endeavor for working => to work. We say endeavor to do something for both Noun and Verb.
- demerits to the others => of
- to tribute the extra - ordinary staff which are required....=> to pay tribute to the extraordinary staff who are required....... You should have used "who" instead of "which" in this sentence because "staff" is a person.

- fulfill their lowest human needs => There is no need to say "human" here because we all know that you're talking about human in this context and that word barely contributes to the meaning of the sentence.

Here are some inappropriate words, apart from some good word choices, that make it so hard to understand your essay. I only point out some words in the introduction paragraph, and you might want to have a look at the entire essay.

- You should not use the word indispensable in this context because it means "someone or something that is indispensable is so important or useful that it is impossible to manage without them.

- to uphold the motivation => The world "uphold" is inappropriate because we use this word mostly in court, and "uphold the motivation" is not a correct collocation.

- reach some members' satisfaction => We have "reach out to somebody" or "reach somebody" (succeed in talking to someone or succeed in making someone understand or accept what you tell them)

- etc.

2/ The content of the essay

- You are over limited words. You wrote 367 words. Although IELTS writing task 2 requires you to write at least 250, that doesn't mean you go far over the limit. You won't have enough time to write that many words in the actual exam. I think you should try to shorten your writing (260-280).

- I barely see the connection between the paragraphs. This is a "double - questions" type in task 2, and you didn't answer or state your idea regarding question 1 in your introduction paragraph.

- Your ideas are too general and don't fully develop. "Several measures" or "the practice above" are not a specific idea. What are the particular measures and what practice is it? Because you didn't write specifically, the links between the paragraph are very loose.

- You use too much intensive information, which is unnecessary in IELTS writing task 2. For example, you mentioned "five levels", "Maslow hierarchy of needs", "two first group concern", etc., and you don't explain clearly what five levels are, or what is the Maslow hierarchy of needs? and what group concern you are talking about? If the information in your essay is not clear, precise, and concise to the question, you will hardly get your desired score.

Writing Feedback / I agree that the media coverage of celebrities have a negative impact on children [4]

Hi there,
I have some opinion about your essay. I hope it helps.

1/ General comments

- Your writing is considered as under length as it is only 225 words.
- Your introduction is unclear and doesn't paraphrase the topic appropriately. You just repeated the topic instead, and you should not close the introduction with your opinion "agree or disagree". You ought to indicate WHY you agree/disagree because these ideas will be linked to the next paragraphs.

- It's not hard to understand your opinions, however, your ideas are too general and you make it sound like you are discussing "advantages and disadvantages" essay than an opinion essay.

- Your essay carries an informal tone.
- The second main body paragraph is slightly off-topic, especially from "Unless the media.......with their buddies". It's very hard to understand your idea there.

- Your conclusion doesn't conclude your ideas, but it starts a new idea: parents' advice
- There are no connections between paragraphs and sentences
- Your writing is not consistent because you sometimes show examples (main body paragraph 2), but sometimes you don't (main paragraph 1).
- Your example should be specific and connect with the topic sentence of its paragraphs. For example (main paragraph 2)
+ Your topic sentence: Negative impacts on children themselves => Your example should be: certain figures for HOW the topic negatively impact on a child.

2/ Grammar

You have some basic grammar mistakes such as spelling/ articles/ :
+ Article: will have the favorite ...; surfing the Internet ... neglected by the media; etc.

+ Spelling: occured => occurred, Spelling is important in all kind of tests, it will reduce your score.
+ more lazy => lazier; social media
+ It in the first sentence of the two main body paragraphs (it has lots of drawback/ it has negative..) should not be used here as we don't know to which "it" prefer. That's supposed to be an unclear pronoun.

+ Lots of/ a lot of: informal and should not be used in academic writing.
+ Children will ... celebrities in society media, which who makes them think ... => I don't think you should use the relative "which" in this sentence because it makes the meaning different. Children will buy the same clothes as their favourite celebrities NOT the same as social media.

I haven't pointed out your wrong word choices just in case you get overwhelming. However, I think you should improve your basic knowledge of grammar and understand how to answer the topic properly, and practise how to paraphrase a topic appropriately.

Writing Feedback / Overpopulation in urban areas has led to some serious problems. Identify some problems and solutions [3]

Hi there,

I think your essay is good. Here are some opinions, I hope they will help you.

1/ Your strength

- You have solid vocabulary and grammar structures, which show readers that you clearly conveyed your ideas
- You have good opinions and have a wide range of vocabulary to express them
- Clear explanation (main body paragraph 1), but inconsistency

2/ Some mistakes related to grammar and inappropriate word choices

- Spelling: goverments => governments. A small spelling mistake might sometimes negatively affect the score of the entire essay.
- Article: As the human population....; with the increased emergence....; a/the local authority should...; etc. You might want to have a look again because basic grammar mistakes will severely reduce your score.

- It is crucial that radical solutions be formulated to.... => Radical solutions must be formulated to.....; it is obvious that fast growing. The clarity of these two sentences is unclear and wordy. You should write a short sentence and it conveys a CLEAR idea, rather than following some grammar formulas as they will prevent readers from understanding your point of view.

- Try not to start your sentences by "It is said that..." because people use this structure more in news report than academic writing
- Avoid using unnecessary synonyms (epidemics and pandemics) because it won't increase your score even though it helps you to reach limited words.
- Some inappropriate words that reduce the readability of your essay as follows:
+ flocking to..... => People flocking to big cities doesn't mean that they will increase the city's population because they just come there for something that "interesting or exciting happening at that place".

+cater for.... => this phrase is inappropriate in this context because the entire sentence doesn't mention any specific group of people.
+ Face up to the increased......=> We don't say "face up with"
+ Conveniences for => We say for somebody's convenience/ the convenience of doing something/ convenience to something

3/ The content of the essay

- Since there is no specific topic included, I assumed that this is a "problem-solution" essay. The first topic sentence is pretty confusing that you are paraphrasing the topic or else? Because the topic mentions that overpopulation leads to serious problems, and you indicated people coming to metropolitan regions => overpopulated zones.

- Although you connected well between the first and the second sentence, the introduction paragraph is still UNCLEAR. You ought to point out at least ONE SPECIFIC PROBLEM AND SOLUTION right in the introduction paragraph to make sure you get the CC score.

- You have good opinions, but you express too many of them in one paragraph (both the problem and the solution paragraph). That will stop you from developing the paragraph clearly because the sentences rarely support each other.

- There are no examples in the essay
- Your writing is slightly off-topic since none of your ideas is fully developed. Sometimes it sounds like protecting the environment, and sometimes it sounds like preventing illnesses. I would recommend that you pick one idea, explain HOW it is serious, what is the result it brings, and indicate some examples relating to that idea.