Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by terminal28
Name: Nicole
Joined: Sep 13, 2018
Last Post: Apr 4, 2019
Threads: 4
Posts: 20  
Likes: 5

Displayed posts: 24
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
terminal28   
Apr 4, 2019
Undergraduate / For interview about entire university [2]

I like the structure of (current post, previous post, why this post) in answering the "Tell Me About Yourself" type of interview question. I made a few suggestions below for your consideration.

... honoured to be here today. My name is Darren and I would describe myself as someone who is compassionate and who listens to other people's perspectives and ideas. [What are you currently doing that is related to the post you are applying for]

In high school, I was impressed ... charge of "actor and edition". Before English drama, I was afraid of speaking English to people, but after engaging in this activity, I gradually realized that I need to improve my English grammar and speaking skills, so that I can use these skills in my work and travels around the world.

... Applied English, and use my knowledge and skills to inspire students who enjoy studying language. I hope to put what I learn ... [for example?]
terminal28   
Oct 23, 2018
Writing Feedback / Teachers at Fatoni University - writing skills practice [4]

During my student's student life
In my first year student, I thought...be my best favourite teacher
... teaches me about the Arabic course language
... black eyes - and she has the kindest ...
My best favorite teacher ... life without any expectation or returns for me
... because I am not good in struggle with the Arabic language, but she patients is very patient

try tries hard to make help me more better understand ...
She learned HOW TO bake cakes and cookies with herself by watching ...
terminal28   
Oct 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / Nha Trang - DESCRIBE A WELL-KNOWN DESTINATION YOU HAVE VISITED [5]

@lahoaithu

Perhaps you can consider beginning with a captivating description as your opening sentence. For example, " Picturesque seaside, prominent scuba diving service, yummy seafood and a pristine sun-drenched natural scenery are a fitting description of one of the most majestic destinations I have ever vacationed." That right away captures the attention of the reader already making me wish I was there.
terminal28   
Oct 16, 2018
Undergraduate / My American teacher. UVA supplement essay, is this good? [5]

Here goes my editing advice:

3rd third
couldn't could not help myself.
be repeated told BY my teachers ...
So It was ironic...or However, it was ironic (I am not sure that you can begin a sentence with "so")
terminal28   
Oct 15, 2018
Graduate / Personal Statement for university International Relations Program [3]

PROMPT: The Personal Statement should be between 250-500 words and should answer the following three questions:
1.Why have you chosen to apply to the University of XYZ to study this subject?
2.Which personal qualities do you possess that will help you to successfully complete this programme of study?
3.How will studying this programme help you when you return home and in your future career?

=========================================================================================

"There's so much that we share, that it's time we're aware, it's a small world after all." These are lyrics to a song that I learned in kindergarten and which left an indelible impression on me. My quest to explore this small world while simultaneously pursuing an education took me from (name of my country) to the United States of America for undergraduate studies at the most diverse university in the state of (name of US State). This experience opened my eyes to a whole new world filled with multicultural ideologies and cultural practices different to mine. My global awareness was further extended during my study abroad and work experience in (name of country) which also provided the life changing opportunity to volunteer in post-tsunami Thailand and participate in briefings with local and international aid agencies including the United Nations and Asia Development Bank. In hindsight, it was the sum total of those experiences which was the turning point in my desire to pursue a career in international relations.

At present I am Secretary to the Ambassador and Bilingual Translator at the (name of foreign embassy) in (my country), where I perform work which strengthens relations between both countries and also stay current with happenings in the field of International Relations. While I have gained substantial exposure to the inner workings of diplomatic relations, I need to acquire the formal knowledge and skills to advance from my current position to that of Foreign Service Officer (FSO) in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs post-study and to that of Ambassador of (name of my country) in the longer term. A global citizen with the aforementioned experiences, I hope to make meaningful contributions to class discourse. My undergraduate degree consisted of a major and a minor which I successfully completed while also being employed. Good organization and interpersonal skills, the fortitude to effectively complete a task from start to finish and the ability to think and work independently and with others within a deadline are qualities which will enable me to successfully complete this course.

Located in XYZ's Safest University City, I chose the University of Name because of the reputation of its School of Social Sciences. Since my bachelor's degree is in a different field, the foundational course Theories and Concepts in International Relations will serve to introduce me to the major theories and traditions in this field. The effective communication and problem-solving skills obtained via different teaching methods will serve me well as an FSO working to strengthen cooperation between my country and its friends. The module Qualitative Research Methods in Politics and International Relations will prepare me to apply knowledge and research skills in collecting and reporting on all the information that would affect the interests of the people of (my country). The ability to communicate effectively and to convey complex ideas simply is key skill needed by an FSO. The Model United Nations Society's simulation exercises are a good training ground to enhance my writing, public speaking, critical thinking, and argumentation skills, and supplement my understanding of current discourse in international affairs. This training will form an integral part of my post-study and long term career work as a diplomat in competently and confidently representing my country abroad.
terminal28   
Oct 11, 2018
Scholarship / I aspire to inspire, motivate, connect and make an impactful change in my local community [3]

@suzyG
I would like to hear more about how you led and inspired the team in order to pull off the Cultural Day of Subsaharian African Students. Can you show what went on behind the scenes that resulted in you inspiring the team to "perform their best and commit to achieve goals"?

Also please double check your punctuation. "I" is always capitalized.
terminal28   
Oct 4, 2018
Scholarship / I am sincere and an ardent to excel my networking - Chevening Scholarship essay [3]

I am not too clear about your first sentence. The word "abet" has a negative meaning: encourage or assist (someone) to do something wrong, in particular to commit a crime. So you may want to choose a different verb instead. "experience in hands_____?"

What exactly is "the job I am doing now"? And how did you use your network to accomplish something significant in the "job I am doing now"?

On a whole, please check your grammar overall and be sure that the words you choose are appropriate for what you want to convey.
terminal28   
Oct 3, 2018
Scholarship / A description of professional background & current work, professional accomplishment, Why this work? [4]

@KbMt
Are you supposed to answer the question in ESSAY form or just a regular Q&A form?
It is not clear to me EXACTLY what your ACCOMPLISHMENTS are. You have listed that you were involved in various activities and held several posts. Specifically what did you accomplish in these posts. For example as the chairman of a social committee and team leader of the linkage office, what did you use these positions to fulfill?
terminal28   
Sep 26, 2018
Writing Feedback / Fashion is highly valued in people's choice of clothes. Why? Agree? [2]

@HuyenHung
"the impact that fashion has on their life" [line 1]
"clothes make contribution to increasing ..." I am not clear as to what you mean by that. Do you mean that clothes contribute to the value that people place on themselves?

Wearing reputable band name clothing...
One explanation is ...
keeping up with the Joneses
If people become addicted to buying the latest fashion, they could end up bankrupt or even homeless
CHANGE "wears" to "clothes"
If I understand the prompt, it is asking if you agree and why. In your concluding paragraph it seems you both agree and disagree.
terminal28   
Sep 24, 2018
Writing Feedback / It is an argue whether businesses have to be responsible for their effect on society or not [4]

Just from a superficial view of your essay, I observed a few things immediately:

1) You have overused "on the other hand" and "on the one hand" too many times
2) Your third to last paragraph begins with "in conclusion" yet it is not the last paragraph
3) You used "in conclusion" again in the final paragraph
4) I am still not clear based on your final paragraph if you agree or disagree
terminal28   
Sep 23, 2018
Scholarship / I do my best to develop my network and communication skills for my professional career [6]

I can definitely relate to your feelings about writing these essays. Initially I had moments of "ups and downs" and wondered if I should even bother, but I really want to achieve my goals and so I have to keep the end goal in mind. So I want to encourage you to keep your head up, think positive, you can do it once you put your mind to it. This is a good place to receive constructive feedback. Keep trying. One day at a time. One step at a time. Keep working at those essays.
terminal28   
Sep 21, 2018
Writing Feedback / The human have a negative effect on our planet. By harming Earth, we put our lives in danger. [4]

Always begin a sentence with a Capital letter (line 1)
i is always written as "I"
How about "This theory is a popular one that I would like to lend my voice to"?
Please restructure your third and fourth sentences
"human evolution has led to accumulation of trash" How so?
Can you find another way to conclude other than saying "in conclusion"?
terminal28   
Sep 21, 2018
Scholarship / I do my best to develop my network and communication skills for my professional career [6]

facilitates (not facilities) line 1
What is FGF?
consider omitting: " by the way, one of them is helping me ..." as it does NOT help your application
How have the relationships you made helped you in you job or completing an actual task or project?
How do you intend to use your networking skills in the future?

Prompt: Chevening is looking for individuals with strong ...

I do not think that you have responded to the prompt effectively.
terminal28   
Sep 18, 2018
Scholarship / University environment is a representation of our world. [2]

the motivation of Studying in the UK



Prompt: Outline why you have selected your chosen three university courses, and explain how this relates to your previous academic or professional experience and your plans for the future.

My current position as Secretary to the Ambassador and Bilingual Translator at the (foreign Embassy 123) in (my country) demands that I stay current with happenings in the field of International Relations and to support work which further strengths relations between both countries. While I have gained substantial exposure to the inner workings of relations between my country and one of its friends, I need to acquire the formal knowledge and skills to advance from my current position to that of Foreign Service Officer in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in partnership with the UK development initiative through its soon to be opened High Commission here. Studying in the UK would provide me with world class quality education taught in my native language and the optimal knowledge and analytical skills that are crucial to success in my career. Comprising culturally diverse students, the UK university environment serves as a microcosm of the world which is fitting for my field of study.

I chose International Relations MA at (University 1) because of the reputation of its political school. Since my bachelor's degree is in a different field, the foundational course Theories of International Relations will serve to introduce me to the major theories and traditions in this field. The effective communication (and problem-solving) skills obtained through the attractive learning styles of discussion, debate and small-group work are crucial in the fulfillment of work duties as a Foreign Service Officer supporting the work of the UK in delivering developmental assistance to my country. The module International Negotiation is a good training ground for me to apply knowledge and skills gained from negotiation simulation exercise to my post-study and long term career work as a diplomat representing my country abroad. Through the execution of research essay, the research and analytical skills obtained are a critical component of and will be applied in my future duties as a FSO and Diplomat.

I chose International Relations MSc at (University 2) because, in addition to the course content, the annual study trip to (name of country) combined with the (John Doe) speaker series will supplement lectures and provide exposure to real world situation from experts in this field. I follow the International Relations at (university 2) Facebook page and I observe the class size and teaching methods to be suited to my learning style and ... (career enhancing opportunities). The core course International Relations Research will allow me to research issues of importance to (my country) as a future ambassador. "International Relations and Development" fits perfectly as I hope to work in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to support the work of the UK Commission in its development of (my country).

International Relations and International Law MA at (University 3) because completing the core module International Law will deepen my understanding of how rules affect relationships between my country and other countries. This course has a high percentage of graduates who work in areas of foreign and international affairs similar to my professional prospects.
terminal28   
Sep 14, 2018
Scholarship / Networking is crucial to succesfully fulfilling my job duties. Chevening [2]

Chevening is looking for individuals with strong professional relationship building skills...

cultivating my professional relationships



When I began working at the (current job) I quickly realized that would be working closely with not only the Ministry of Foreign Affairs but personnel in all other government ministries, political party leaders, media organizations, students, and members in the local diaspora in (my country) to name a few. Ministries of: Social Transformation and Human Resource Development, Health and the Environment, Education, Science and Technology; Economic Development, Agriculture, and all accredited embassies here.

As a novice to this field initially, the majority of my initial contact with these individuals began via telephone and email when scheduling interviews between these entities and the ambassador or the counsellor. The connections seamlessly evolved to in-person interaction when I went to the actual locations and vice versa to fulfill my job duties or when hosting embassy diplomatic functions. Thus my method for building and maintaining professional relationships is to find common ground, stay in touch appropriately, and offer my assistance to reap the mutually beneficial results of networking.

After Disaster X devastated (my country), the (name of donor country) wanted to support the recovery efforts by making a tangible donation. Having previously established connections with key players, I utilized the relationships within my network to work with the ambassador and communicate directly with the Chairman of the Port Authority, the Director of the National Office of Disaster Services and other entities to arrange the berthing of the cargo vessel bearing relief supplies. Normally one has to submit a written request for media coverage in advance, but the arrival time had changed twice, time was of the essence. A receptionist in my network put me in touch with the Director of News and Current Affairs at the nation's lone TV station and thankfully secured actual video footage coverage which served highlighting the story as a testament to the strong relationship between our countries.

Reciprocally, someone in my network connected the Dean of Student Affairs at the local College to me in an effort to secure a Q&A session with the ambassador (given his heavy schedule) and students in the Political Studies class about relations between the (country1) and (country2) . It was also an opportunity for students to network by asking questions about and requesting information regarding scholarship opportunities in (country1), of which

I hope to continue cultivating my professional relationships so as to grow my network to include students, professors, and other professionals in the UK. I anticipate promoting the Chevening program by leveraging my connection with Chevening alumni, media personnel and educational institutions on island, to, for example, deliver presentations at the college's annual Career fair in order to recruit future scholars and help widen the Chevening network. I expect to exchange information with the existing Chevening alumni in the field of international relations to learn of opportunities which lead to increased knowledge and career advancement. My established interconnected professional webs with an array of entities and virtually every government ministry in (my country) on a daily basis should prove beneficial to Chevening alumni in varying fields.
terminal28   
Sep 13, 2018
Scholarship / Mom's Motorola Razr and My Identity- Questbridge Scholarship Biographical Essay [3]

@MrBean1978

The overall flow is good. However after reading your entire submission, I re-read the prompt and realize that you did not mention how your experience growing up " formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic success"

Please find a way to incorporate this into your response since it is clearly requested in the prompt.
terminal28   
Sep 13, 2018
Writing Feedback / Task 2: Opinion about video games - more problems than benefits [7]

Instead of "familiar method" consider using "popular method"

You have mentioned the bad effects on the eyes and health etc Do you have any studies/sources to support this claim? That would be extremely helpful to your essay. So you would rewrite that sentence to say something like "According to a recent Harvard study...." for example.

"their evil influences far outweigh the few benefits"
terminal28   
Sep 13, 2018
Writing Feedback / Tourists visiting rough condition places ( IELTS task 2) [4]

PARAGRAPH 1:
There is a word (I suppose an adjective) missing from the first sentence "...increasingly________ for tourists....like the Sahara ..."
You cannot use "Like the Sahara and the Atlantic" as a sentence since it is not one. So please merge it into your first sentence.

"...conditions in the world along with the downside..."

PARAGRAPH 2:
places where tough conditions exist...
"For example, in my visit to the Antarctic ..." How did your personal experience serve to "open your eyes about the diversity of life" Please explain this to the reader since you mentioned it in the preceding sentence

PARAGRAPH 3:
You should consider omitting the word "However" and stating something like "while the experience can be wonderful..." the numerous dangers...are unpredictable."
Instead of "these places are poor in professional facilities" consider saying "these places lack proper medical facilities"
terminal28   
Sep 13, 2018
Scholarship / I was presented with the Achievement and Leadership award at graduation ceremony. Chevening essay [3]

Leadership and Influence Chevening essay



While a student at the University of XXX, I was the Site Coordinator for (name of nonprofit organization) in the for four years. I administrated volunteer activities that built positive relations between (nonprofit) and the University through mutually beneficial collaborative projects; and educated the university community about the social issues affecting the need for service in (name of community) and beyond. I recruited and oversaw volunteer activity in the food and clothing bank and emergency assistance and provided training and orientation to new volunteers. I collaborated with university student organizations and departments in order to execute quarterly food and clothing donation projects on campus; which resulted in hundreds of pounds of canned and dried goods and clothing items being donated to (nonprofit) on behalf of the university throughout my tenure. I also delivered persuasive presentations to several classes and organized and spoke at the impactful panel discussion "Through These Eyes: Stories of Homelessness in City" as a means to educate and influence students to become active volunteers by recognizing that there is truly no greater satisfaction than serving others. Based on quarterly reports submitted to the university, these endeavours further resulted in a steady increase in volunteers. Consequently I was presented with the Achievement and Leadership award at graduation ceremony.

In my home country of (name of country), I served as Care Coordinator for a church Action Unit where I led a 20-member action unit in determining the needs of our community and worked together to create an action plan to address some of those needs. I was tasked with leading successful meetings, planning and organizing monthly activities and mobilizing members of the action unit to engage in community-based activities. These include visitations to households, distribution of care packages (food and toiletries), cutting the lawns and cleaning the residences of the elderly and shut-in in the community, and blood pressure and blood sugar checks by trained medical personnel and community health-based presentations by experts in their field. (government's concern about NCDs)

I have taught in both the private (primary) and public school (secondary) in home country where, as the leader of my classroom environment, it was not only my duty to teach curriculum content but to model good behaviour and to inspire students to be and do their best. Right upfront I purposefully inform my students that I expect great performance in academics and conduct. One of the ways I influenced the younger students (to manifest this expectation) was by rewarding using stickers and individualized comments on test papers and merit cards to boost their level of motivation. As I built rapport with my students at (name of institution), many of my class sessions included motivational talks encouraging these future leaders and nation builders to further their studies and diligently pursue their goals to achieve success not just for themselves, but for their communities and our country.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳