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Posts by serbinax
Name: Ksenia
Joined: Feb 18, 2020
Last Post: Feb 22, 2020
Threads: 7
Posts: 19  
Likes: 7
From: Kazakhstan
School: lycee

Displayed posts: 26
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serbinax   
Feb 22, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 essay Should teachers teach the values of good and bad? [2]

Teaching Students the Meaning of Right and Wrong



Some people think that teacher should be responsible for teaching students to judge what is right and what is wrong so that they can behave. Others say that teacher should only teach student academic subjects

Many believe that students should be taught to distinguish between good and bad at schools. Others think that teacher should only provide academic knowledge. In this essay I would like to consider both views and give my personal opinion on the discussion.

On the one hand, some people are convinced that it is a teacher's responsibility to educate students how to tell good from bad, because it is at school where kids spend most of their time. Instructors, therefore, are able to observe and make necessary assessments on how pupils interact with one another. If the child is misbehaving, the teacher can take proper action by immediately addressing the issue.

However, opponents argue that teacher simply does not have enough time to accommodate all children, because modern classrooms are large and on average contain about 35 children. With 40-minutes duration of a regular academic class, simultaneous lecturing of every child on ethical issues of right and wrong simply becomes an impossible task for an instructor.

As for my opinion, it coincides with the second view that the lecturers today are already overburdened with the amount of academic knowledge that they have to teach to students. If classroom instructors are given an additional task of teaching what is good and bad, then the quality of academic education will most inevitably drop down. The teaching of right and wrong to children, therefore, should be the primary responsibility of parents.

In conclusion, some believe that the school should teach the values of good and bad, because students spend a lot of time there. Others think that instructors cannot provide a high quality education by teaching academics and ethical issues at the same time. I support the second opinion that school should exclusively provide an academic education, which is the only thing that can secure the child's successful future.
serbinax   
Feb 22, 2020
Writing Feedback / Sustainable development, urbanization in the cities [7]

Some grammar mistakes:

Phenomenon is a singular noun, while phenomena is its plural form. So, you can either say "this phenomenon creates" or "these phenomena create".
You also wrote "urbanisation potentially triggers" which is an incorrectly used collocation.
You mistakenly wrote "in utilities" two times.
"A high proportion of immigrants are forced to reside" should be "A high proportion of immigrants is forced to reside", because the subject here is "a high proportion", not "immigrants".

There is an incorrect punctuation usage (semicolon) in "waste; water and housing disposal". Also, "housing disposal" is not a synonym for "sewage disposal" if that is what you meant.

"enforce the widespread of education" is an incorrectly used allocation.
"elaborative steps" is an incorrect collocation.
The definition of "elaborative" is something that provides additional details or information. "Elaborate" is something containing a lot of careful detail or many detailed parts.
serbinax   
Feb 22, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: education on junk food overconsumption. Discuss both views and provide your own opinion. [3]

There are some problems with grammar:
In your first sentence you used the perfect participle incorrectly, because this sentence should be describing the cause and the effect (which it is doing), and it should be the sentence where the subject is the same (which it is not doing since you changed the subject from a large number of people to researchers).

Let me give you an example:
Having finished dinner, the children were allowed to play.
The perfect participle, "having finished" (having +V3), means "because and after they (children) finished dinner....". Therefore, you need to restructure this sentence based on correct grammar.

"hold opposite perspective" requires an article and should be "hold an opposite perspective"
"these unhealthy food" should either be "this unhealthy food" or "these unhealthy foods"
"understanding the consequences" requires an article and should be "an understanding the consequences"
"Realise" should be "realize"
I believe what you mean by "they cannot help being a slave to such products" should be "they cannot help but be a slave to such products" which means "to have no choice except to do something".

"Concreted efforts" should be "concrete efforts". I also think efforts cannot be executed. Maybe a better sentence "Concrete actions should be undertaken by national administrations".
serbinax   
Feb 22, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 ESSAY crime prevention, government or individual [4]

You have already received a comment on your structure, so I shall point out grammar mistakes that I have found.
There is an incorrect usage of "self-prevention of individual", maybe you mean protection?
"In consideration of the fact of crime rate have been rising..." should be "In consideration of the fact that crime rate has been rising", because it is the third form of the present perfect continuous tense.

"Some argued..." should be "some argue..." because the question prompt uses the present continuous tense, so should you. Same problem with "while I agreed" which should be "while I agree..."

"everyone of us cannot guarantee..." you use the pronoun incorrectly. You can say "No one can be guaranteed the...".
"...as crime are getting more..." should be "...as crime is getting more...", because this is present continuous, third form.
"to society" requires an indefinite article and should be "to a society".
"Only government can make crime rate in check..." should be "only government can keep the crime in check..." because the correct idiom is "to keep something in check", which means to keep someone or something under control.

Again, "India are suffering..." should be "India is suffering", because India is a country, and a country is a singular noun. Same with Middle East. Should be "Middle East, which is having..."
serbinax   
Feb 21, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay task 2 Success in life depends on hard work and determination [5]

Does Attractiveness and wealth equate remedy for success?



Some people believe that success in life depends upon hard work and determination, while others believe that other factors like money and personal appearance are important.

Discuss both view and give your opinion?


Many people argue that appearance and wealth are directly linked to a success. Others believe that it can only depend on virtues like hard work and perseverance. My opinion is that success goes hand in hand with consistent work and determination.

On one hand, money is seen as important, because it can provide us a good education. Since the childhood, we are constantly being told that attending a school and pursuing a secondary education are absolutely necessary in order to further succeed in life. Additionally, in our daily lives we are surrounded by advertisements promoting physical beauty, so that, unconsciously, we start associating success with physical attractiveness too.

On the other hand, plenty of opportunities in the form of government subsidies and scholarships are provided today for students, who do not possess the means to pay for their higher education, but who have been doing working hard in their academics in high schools. This clearly shows that those who are determined and who work hard are judged by their merits and not by the amount of money they have.

I strongly believe that there is a strong misconception that money and personal appearance are a path to success, because we live in a material world, where market economies demand us to consume more and more goods. However, although successful life might seem to depend on money and appearance, I believe that both of these factors are short-lasting and that only values like hard work and determination can lead to a successful life.

Some people believe that success can be achieved through big pockets and personal looks. However, others rely on values such as hard work and determination. I believe that not everything can be bought and that strong efforts and true aspirations will always be required to achieve something worthy.
serbinax   
Feb 21, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 essay Using animals for testing the medicines [3]

@Holt
No, you are mistaken, and I really appreciate your feedback on my essays.
I am making honest mistakes with my essays, but this is only because I wrote several during the day on the "discuss both views" topics. That's why the same mistake have repeatedly shown in several of my essays. I apologize for that.

As for giving feedback to other students, I have been trying to help students with grammar only, but have been punished for giving "pointless comments''. In no way I am trying to show off, this is not in my character at all. I just want to help others in the way I can. It is very difficult.

Again, thank you for your feedback. I will work on my essays more. I hope you do not give up on me.
serbinax   
Feb 20, 2020
Writing Feedback / Accept a bad situation, or work hard to improve such situations [3]

Introduction
You didn't do a good job on paraphrasing the original statement. "Admitting the loss" is not a paraphrase for "accepting a bad situation", because not all bad situations are necessarily losses. Also, "put more effort in brainstorming how to tackle it" is not a paraphrase for "improving such situations". Your introduction does not present the ideas you will talk about in your body paragraphs. You give your opinion, but again you do not provide reasons that would support it.

Body paragraphs
Your body paragraphs seem to be following the structure, but your topic sentence (which is the first sentence of you paragraph) should tell the reader what you will talk about in it and should contain concrete ideas. You only mention "justifiable rationales" and this is too broad and vague.

Your usage of linking words is inappropriate, you cannot say "first of all..." and then not provide additional reasons, which would support and develop your topic sentence. I also failed to understand why you used "on the contrary...", because your writing lacks clarity and correct usage of grammar.

Same problem with topic sentence of the second paragraph, the idea is too general and vague, when what you should be doing is presenting an idea, that you are going to develop further later.

I would refrain from rhetorical questions in the academic essays, because you are supposed to be giving clear explanations to the reader and make them follow your line of thoughts. I could not find a clear idea in your second paragraph. A good example though.

Conclusion
Your conclusion is not good. It did not paraphrase the task statement, did not reiterate reasons and your opinion is not supported by proper arguments.

There are many grammatical mistakes throughout your essay.

My suggestion is to make sure you use the words that you are 100% sure of. They might be simple, but they will convey your message in a much better and clear way.
serbinax   
Feb 20, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 essay Using animals for testing the medicines [3]

animals are widely used in scientific research



Some people say that it is necessary to use animals for testing the medicines intended for human beings, others however think it is cruel and unnecessary.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.


Many people argue that the usage of prescription drugs must be first tested on animals. Others believe that exploiting them in medical experiments is sadistic and can be avoided. While some animals' gene structure is similar to that of humans', I believe this should not be seen as a justification for their use as a laboratory material, because animals are our friends.

On one hand, some people think it is necessary to use animals in order to test medicines, because DNA composition of some of them is very similar to humans'. Human life is priceless, so, in order to save the lives of millions, scientific research must be conducted on animals first. As a result, reaction to medicine and the death rate can be measured before the drug can be approved to treat sick people. For example, mice and rats are two well-known animals that have been frequently utilized to develop the cure for cancer.

However, animals have always been an important part of our lives. We, as humans, cannot treat them as a means to an end, because it is unethical and unnecessary. It is true that there is no scientific evidence showing that animals can feel pain or suffer, but if we cannot put the price on human's life, then we cannot devalue the life of an animal either. Moreover, pharmaceutical corporations have substantial amounts of necessary resources that they can spend on paying those people who would agree to participate in a drug research.

Although some people believe it is safer to use animals for testing drugs, others disagree by saying that it is unnecessary and cruel in nature. I reiterate my opinion by saying that animals are our smaller friends, which we need to protect, and paid drug tests can be conducted on people who give their consensual agreement to them.
serbinax   
Feb 20, 2020
Writing Feedback / In the modern world, there is a movement away from written exams to more practical assessment [4]

@tanpro1010

In your introduction you failed to paraphrase the task sentence, because "movement away" does not mean "changed the method", it means there are still some written exams that are being conducted, it is just their number is decreasing. Therefore, you will be downgraded for the TA.

Your conclusion cannot consist of just one long sentence. You need to paraphrase the question again, mention the advantages and disadvantages, and give a concluding sentence. Your score would be downgraded for this reason too.

Grammar: Your essay contains a lot of grammar mistakes, inappropriate usage of collocations, and phrasal verbs. "Firstly, This kind...", "Secondly, A..." I am pretty sure you are aware of the fact that you cannot capitalize pronoun after comma. Pay attention to verbs in present tense, third person's form requires "s" at the end. "...helps people to become confident..." the correct form should be "help people do something..."

There are multiple repetitions of the words "help" and "presentation" in two last sentences of your first body paragraph. Try to find a paraphrase for them.

Your ideas are good, but it is very difficult for the reader to understand them, because your writing needs some work.

Best of luck!
serbinax   
Feb 20, 2020
Writing Feedback / Is it necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains? [5]

Your introduction is not very good. The first sentence is very long, very complicated, and somewhat confusing. I think it would be better to divide it into two separate sentences to keep it more clear. I wouldn't use the word "engrained" with the word "opinion" in the academic writing, it seems like it has been inappropriately used. For this given topic I would write an introduction like this:

"Many people believe substantial funds should be diverted to the construction of high-speed train tracks, while others say there should be more investment in the current public transportation. (paraphrase of the task sentence) While investing in faster trains would cut journey times (idea for paragraph 1), this essay believes (your opinion) that more of the population would benefit from expenditure on buses, trams, and underground rail (idea for paragraph 2)."

Also, I don't think that "systems of vehicles" is a synonym for "transport".

Your conclusion has problems too, as it fails to paraphrase the task statement and to summarize the reasons of why you partially agree with both views.

You also need to work on your grammar, there are many mistakes that need to be fixed.
serbinax   
Feb 20, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 Technology has made men less/more sociable. Opinion essay [2]

Some people believe that technology has made men more sociable, and others think that it has made us less sociable.
discuss both views?


Technology and Socialization



Many people believe that technological advancement has made humans less sociable. Others believe that the opposite is true. Although technology is causing the growing loss of physical communication between people, this essay argues that technological progress has given us an unprecedented number of opportunities to become more sociable.

On one hand, innovations in technology allow us to get anything we want without the need of physical communication to anyone. Various online shopping applications offer a simple click of a button which results in product being delivered to our doorstep in no time. Numerous dating websites have led to the decreasing number of real life dates, where people are too scared to interact with each other face-to-face. A recent research has shown that only 28% of single men agree to go on a real date after getting to know the partner on a dating website.

However, technology now allows people to socialize more, because it removes the variables of distance and time out of the equation. Whereas in the past a person could only send a certain amount of text on paper, because it was costly and it took a long time to be delivered, now one can send an electronic letter of any length. Various social media and websites are aimed at connecting friends and acquaintances together, therefore, building and improving their social skills. My mother, for example, who always refused to attend school anniversary meetings, loves to chat with the same classmates via an online chat.

Some would argue that technology makes us fail at being more social due to the lack of physical interaction, while others believe that it makes us communicate with each other even more. I believe technology helps us socialize better, because it has created so many effective means for it.
serbinax   
Feb 19, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay task 2 Imprisonment vs education as a solution to crime [5]

In many countries, imprisonment is the most common solution to crime, however, some people believe that better education will be more effective solution.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?



Opinions are divided on whether imprisonment should be the primary punishment for crime. Some people think that an improvement in education can serve as a better alternative to incarceration. I disagree with this view for several reasons.

First of all, there is not scientific proof that clearly shows the correlation between person's education and the crimes he or she committed. I believe that, given the circumstances and the right conditions, everyone educated or not is capable of committing crime. Furthermore, first-degree felonies must be punished exclusively by imprisonment because these people are a danger to society.

The fact that punishment should follow crime is another reason why a better education is not a better solution to crime. Education would simply be considered as a reward and more crime would follow. It is the fear of imprisonment that in most cases keeps people from conducting criminal activities. It is for this reason that various times are set for criminals to serve in the prison. During this time, convicted people have a chance to reevaluate the wrong they have done in the past and redeem themselves.

Moreover, prisons nowadays are well-equipped with infrastructure, such as libraries, for example. Therefore, if convicted wish to improve their education, they can always find an access to various educational resources. With the development of technology and internet, they can even attend universities through an online distance-learning.

In conclusion, although an education could be seen as a better alternative to incarceration, I believe criminals can only be corrected through the means of imprisonment. In such way, public would be more safe, and convicted would be more prepared to enter the society. Therefore, imprisonment is a better solution to crime than education.
serbinax   
Feb 19, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2. Discuss about the importance of History and Science and Technology [5]

There are some problems with grammar.
Both of...not both these views...
Also "we know that history is...". Also, I would argue that history is one of the most important school subjects. Not everywhere at least.
The past tense for "fight" is fought, not fighted.
Also, you wrote peach, I believe you meant "peace". Must be a typo.
History likes a bridge , which connect (should be connects).
Maybe you should put your text in the word document, and do an autocorrect, as there are a number of grammatical mistakes. You might want to fix them.
serbinax   
Feb 19, 2020
Graduate / I am willing and able to share mentioned skills and competence with MBA's classmates. [4]

@almas_kz
I think you are not addressing the question here, and this is "how your education and work, and life experience will contribute to your classmates MBA".

You are a good leader-explain how this will contribute to your classmates...
You have worked in amuzement parks and learned how the management works-explain how this will contribute to your classmates...
You currently work with various corporations attracting investors-explain how this will contribute to your classmates...
You make the reader extrapolate the things you should be stating in the essay yourself.
serbinax   
Feb 19, 2020
Scholarship / Fostering dreams - My QuestBridge Bio Essay #2! [3]

I think it would be better to provide two or three examples of what values these foster kids have taught you.
I haven't noticed any grammar mistakes, you write very well.
serbinax   
Feb 18, 2020
Scholarship / NZ Scholarship: Enhancing my skills and knowledge in quantification of renewable energy works. [3]

Being a quantity surveying graduate from Nigeria, I acknowledge the fact that I lack the necessary knowledge in the field of cost analysis that could otherwise enhance my skills in quantification of renewable energy works.

... that will improve my ability to explore the growing trend of green energy in Nigeria, which currently is experiencing power supply failures. I would like to acquire theoretical concepts in the field of cost analysis and put them into practical application.

I wish to get more insight into the technical aspect of the sector - the voltage calculation, which ... module, and more importantly, the installation regulations, at which equipment and materials are installed, as it is related to my current position ...
serbinax   
Feb 18, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: International aid - opinion essay [3]

Some people think that government should not give international aid since they have disadvantages people like unemployment and homeless in their own country.

To what extent do u you agree or disagree?



Opinions are divided on whether governments should provide international aid while having unemployed and homeless people in their own countries. I strongly believe that all countries should provide help in any form they can to those countries that are in need of it.

First of all, help should not always come in a monetary form. While developed countries could plan a regular financial support in their annual budget, developing countries could assist with medical or food supplies for impoverished countries. Additionally, regular assistantship could create more governmental jobs for people who would be responsible for implementing such projects. Bringing population's attention to such issues could help build the trust towards the government too.

Furthermore, some impoverished countries could not survive without international aid with children suffering the most. In the case of natural disasters, like earthquakes and tsunamis, all countries should step forward and help the affected countries. Without international aid these countries would burst into more poverty, which would eventually lead to a humanitarian crisis. Strengthening of diplomatic relationships can be named as another advantage of an international aid.

On the other hand, government resources could be aimed to the most vulnerable parts of the society, but, as history shows, unemployed and homeless proportion of the population is always present even in the developed countries. If all countries stop providing aid to the underdeveloped countries, it would create not just economic crisis within that particular country, but also further problems like illegal migration and criminal activities.

In conclusion, I reiterate my opinion that international aid must be obligatory to all countries in any form possible because we are all humans and we must give a helping hand in the time of need.
serbinax   
Feb 18, 2020
Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: Jobs and assigned genders [3]

@bartex
This is too short for task 2. You will be penalized for that. You might want to add some ideas to your body paragraphs or add another one.
serbinax   
Feb 18, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: THE IMPACT OF THE INTERNET, POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE? Communication and quick information. [4]

...numerous convenience {here the noun should be plural} to our lives.
... I will explain why I think this way {In this essay there are two main reasons that will explain why I think this way}.

... internet has revolutionised {revolutionized} ...
... to rely on postmen, (comma missing) and ...
... developed, residents (poor word choice?) are ...

Hundreds of thousands {of} online resources can be easily assessed (poor word choice? Maybe you mean accessed) at a click ... on searching {the} library shelves. Admittedly, a few educationalists (poor word choice?) will argue ...

... that the internet have {has} had ...
serbinax   
Feb 18, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 Reading Ebooks vs watching TV and playing computer [5]

Some people believe that reading stories from e book better than watching TV or playing computer games for children.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?



Opinions are divided on whether reading an electronic book is a more valuable source of information than watching TV or playing computer games for children. Although nowadays television and computer games provide plenty of educational material for younger generation, I believe that reading an e book holds more advantages.

As opposed to television and computer games, reading is an activity which makes the children implement their own imagination and creativity rather than watching something that has been created for them. Furthermore, reading invokes the kids' curiosity when they encounter unfamiliar vocabulary in the text and helps them acquire knowledge about their native language when they learn the word's etymology, pronunciation and spelling.

Another reason, why e book is better than TV or games, is that reading helps children develop such skills as concentration and attention. Like any other skill, reading requires practice, and in order to fully understand the contents of the book, kids need to give their full attention to the text. It also teaches children how to predict and anticipate the development of the plot, thus building such an important skill as projecting their own future.

On the other hand, the knowledge disseminated by vivid pictures on the screen is easier to absorb by children, but the excess of colorful pictures and moving objects can distract the kids, especially the young ones, from other important tasks. Playing computer games can also be very addicting, as a result of which children fail to do well at school. Spending too much time in front of the screen can lead to developing health problems, such as shortsightedness, bad posture, etc. Therefore, reading is better for both health and effectiveness.

As a conclusion, it can be reiterated that reading an e book is a better way of learning for children than watching TV or playing computer games, as it is a more effective and healthier way to acquire new knowledge.
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