Undergraduate / About the school or an experience? Questions and confusion on UMaryland's prompt [4]

Hmm alright, guess i'll keep it more specific and less story-oriented

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

Nah just a high school senior, but I have spoken to adcoms before, some are representatives that came to our school and some that are just online. And TBH, I'm terrible at cutting down words, like I know when someone needs to be succinct but I"m just not good at cutting down words lol, sorry

Undergraduate / Cornell - The environment blurs into a sight of indistinguishable colors and shapes [10]

Yes your essay is filled with general statements that really sound good on paper, but give no substance. This site shows best "virginia.edu/undergradadmission/writingtheessay.html" as they group a bad piece of writing as general and superficial and only sounds pretty but emotes no emotion:

From an early age, we accept death as the inevitable, but do not comprehend its actual denotation. Death is the impending future that all people must eventually grasp. In my early teens, my grandfather tragically perished. As a youth who did not identify with such a cataclysm I was saturated with various emotions. Initially, I was grieved by the loss of a loved one and could not understand why this calamity had to befall upon my family. I always considered death to have a devastating effect, but was shocked by the emotional strain it places upon an individual.

While imagery is good, like srandhawa said your last paragraph comes out of nowhere, does not really tie into anything too strongly, if at all, to your previous writing.

Fix the fluff and your essay will be solid.

Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

Only thing is it's not clear that you want to pursue engineering as your first line mentions science and throughout your whole essay you talk about biology and drugs. I assume you want to pursue biomedical engineering or something to that extent. You should state somewhere which field of engineering you want to study. I don't think this would be too crude as you already apply technical terms throughout your essay showing your knowledge on the topics so you might as well explain what engineering you'd like to pursue so the adcoms don't think you uploaded the wrong essay (considering you don't mention "Cornell's School of Engineering" either)

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS Essay- Finding Nemo [5]

I will take full advantage of a wide

Elegantly worded english in the conclusion that wasn't excessively wordy. I liked it. Nice comparison to finding nemo and good transitions.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

See it takes a very strong level of writing to be able to add "colloquial" or conversational phrases in the essay without sounding out of place or ostentatious. You do this very well though, it ultimately makes your 1000 word essay seem a lot shorter because it's very much like you're standing in front of me telling a story, than a narrator and novel type.

Of course with this process you use a lot more words, and can't tell which wordsare vague and which words are needed, delete too much and it turns into the novel/narrator. Personally I would try to give it to multiple readers and delete as much as you can, you seem to have it more succinct than when you first started anyways. Then just roll with you got in the end, it's a great essay. Most adcoms will read the whole essay, barring it's not terrible. Your intro is captivating and it smooths and flows wonderfully. Good writing has no length, most admission officers would keep reading, at least I did.

Undergraduate / Why Engineering? Why Cornell Engineering? [10]

Had his efforts not been hampered by his hearing impairment, his achievements would have been even more outstanding.
-This sentence is too superficial, tells me nothing, just another generality. Invoke some imagery here.. that'll make the last line of your paragraph and the meaning of this sentence much more strong.

Cornell Engineering offers hands-on research opportunities [...]

-This paragraph seems too much like a list. While your thinking is there, you ultimately don't want to just list cornell's programs and write one 1-2 sentences about it. Especially since the ideas in that paragraph don't flow very well. While you do have transitions, it only further cements the fact that you're listing and not elegantly talking about the events. Sound more real/strong here.

-Last sentence is good so just don't list as much in the second to last paragraph.. talk about yourself more.

I could be wrong but the fact that schools always say "relate it to our schools/programs;" it really throws me off. Anyone can do research on a school, and it's pretty much the boasting and listing of a school's programs/making your essay look a brochure. Wasn't it like the #1 rule to not write about how great a school. If we go by this logic and the fact that admission officers aren't looking for you to go in-depth in their programs but go in-depth for yourself, I think a simple arbitrary sentence about a Cornell's facilities with more personal evaluation would be best.

Undergraduate / Looking for fundamentals of how everything is functioning Cornell Arts & Sciences 'interests' prompt [7]

my biggest problem that I noticed was I had to use big words that I didn't want to use, but I just couldn't find the "smaller words" that would flow properly.. any suggestions or pointers on which words are awkward/wrong word is appreciated.

Undergraduate / Looking for fundamentals of how everything is functioning Cornell Arts & Sciences 'interests' prompt [7]

Yeah that's true, the first paragraph seems just a more detailed specific encounter to wrap up my conclusion paragraph.. here's my edit.. I still thought I needed to include my chemistry interests..so it flows nicely into nanotechnology, because a lot of people want to be doctors, but why nanotechnology? my interests in chemistry explains this.

Undergraduate / Looking for fundamentals of how everything is functioning Cornell Arts & Sciences 'interests' prompt [7]

Yeah only thing is I want to show I want to do nanotechnology due to my interests in Chemistry and Biology, but I'm having troubles showing both aspects. Should I just take out the first part about my early signs for my love of science and just go straight into the event with my grandma with a very consolidated version detailing my love for Chemistry.

Undergraduate / How horses transformed a science-phobe (revamped!) Cornell CALS Supplement [6]

I'm not sure if
My passion for all things equine - and my lack of all things monetary - led me to pursue jobs

that part is necessary, seems superfluous as you only use it as an example without going too much for your lack of materialistic views.

In the conclusion I'm not sure if liberating is the right word you want to use, it could be though, I'm just not sure.

I liked the essay, just some rough edges to rough out.

Undergraduate / Cornell Arts & Sciences -- Interests [7]

Yeah scratch in conclusion and just go "I believe" Always like the details in the intro.. shows you actually witnessed the event and not bsing or supporting your essay through generalities.

Undergraduate / Cornell's supplement--arts and sciences, doctor [12]

I would really pick a major. To be honest, you're not taking any "full-major" courses until sophomore-junior year. Your intro was good and I expected you to discuss how you finally found the one topic you enjoy, but you only explain all of Cornell's facilities and then continue jumping. It's not a bad essay, well written, but I think it's too jumpy. I understand that to be the case since you are undeclared, but I would just find something. It would make your essay a lot more stronger.

Remember, it's not what you're good at it, it's what you enjoy being good at.

Undergraduate / Cornell(College of Arts and Science)-Your intellectual interest. [4]

Also I think you jump a bit too much, you go from how you alwys loved math to how you joined olympics math.. then saying how that made your other classes easier. Focus more on one example and expand it to where it leads up to the climax of you knowing you want to do mathematics

Undergraduate / it depends on my mood, time & the setting; Activity/ies for the pleasure? [11]

I think that's a silly question. Not only does it say "something you do for pleasure" but it also says 100 words or fewer. How do you plan on expanding it beyond one idea or thought with that limit?

And your beginning: In fact, it depends on my mood, time and most importantly, "the setting" is awkward and weird transition placement. I'm not sure what the in fact is referring to.

Undergraduate / Michigan essay your favourite book [6]

The previous year had been very bad. I changed schools and for some reason I could not quite make myself comfortable. At first I was pretty comfortable

-choose another word besides comfortable. Repeating the same word juxtaposed like that shows you were just randomly typing the first words that comes to your mind and portrays laziness. (I do this too)

Your criticism is too personal imo. Some people who are competitive might consider it great that one is determined to be #1 at everything. Explain more on this if you want to convince the reader or what you thought was "shameful"

You change and jump too much, go from saying school was incomfortable, not having friends to procrastinating and doing not-so-great on exams. Yet, you never went to explain exactly how the book changed you. You take the pooring attempt: i read the book, and i was inspired to change, without any substance; it sound superficial.

I was persistent in my efforts and it started showing results but the biggest relief came when the senior year started and everybody got shuffled into different sections.

This sentence is pretty awkward, face the "it starting showing"

Undergraduate / MIT Pleasure Essay - Rubik's Cube [7]

It's a good answer for 100 words lol. I did my full essay (common app and all) on Rubik's cubing too but I took a different approach to it. So it's nice to see that my favorite toy has such diversity.

I mean it's not very detailed on yourself. But with 100 words it's hard to make it sound interesting and meaningful. I'm not very good with these <150 words short answers as you can tell lol.

Undergraduate / 'The best advice is experience' - Cornell university --why cornell engineering? [12]

latest edit was much better. I like how you took out the useless things that I mentioned and altered and assimilated my other complaints instead of blindly following my suggestions. =)

Undergraduate / Columbia essay (conveys to the reader a sense of who you are) [7]

The idiom of embark is wrong, you usually use embark on..

Other than that.. great writing.. descriptive, yet was not ostentatious =)

Undergraduate / Question about Umich's Diversity.. Modern Art [10]

I always grunted disdainfully at modern art. It was not objective, like fields I was accustomed to, such as numbers and science. Instead, it was subjective and meaningless to me. When my art teacher assigned a paper on modern art, I groaned intensely. I thought this would be the most meaningless research paper ever; but, as it turned out to be an experience that showed me the value of modern art.

When I arrived at the museum, I thought I would be there for hours. Surprisingly, after 10 minutes, something caught my eye. It was called Motion Painting I, by Oskar Fischinger. In the middle were red and black concurrent ovals that connected to green and yellow, smaller ovals, outside of the center. As I stood there, I finally comprehended the importance of subjectivity and the power of modern art. The center oval represented a person as a whole, while the smaller ovals were his actions and characteristics. The painting illustrated that the uniqueness of each person was not his outward appearance but the aspects that a simple glance would not tell you- their culture, their idiosyncrasies, and their individuality. For the first time, I was able to understand and connect with modern art.

When a person looks at a work, he makes his own interpretation based on his own experiences. While modern art may be subjective, the feelings and messages that it can evoke are strong and lasting. I now see the importance of modern art. I now see the importance of a person's interior character. I now see the importance of an eclectic world.

I hope to enhance the diversity of the University of Michigan with my respect for uniqueness and capacity to interpret innovative forms of expression.

Undergraduate / Why Engineering? Why Cornell Engineering? [10]

It's always a good idea to relate it to the last sentence in your first paragraph. If you're able to do this, you know that you wrote a good itnroduction just because the last line becomes your "focus" of the essay/thesis in a way and it's only good because your conclusion wraps up the focus of the essay.

With that said I don't think the last sentence of your first paragraph was all that strong... nor are your last sentences. Don't say "oh you guys have such a wonderful engineering program... so i want to be a part of this..." link specifics or specifics accomplishments/aspects about their program that entices you and then wrap it all up.

Undergraduate / Question about Umich's Diversity.. Modern Art [10]

U of M: Diversity... Modern Art

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan (250 words).

I'm working with a very rough draft here... one I'm not sure will even work. I think it's a good topic but not one I can successfully expand on so just give whatever feedback you can.

I always looked disdainfully towards modern art. My main problem with it was it's being too subjective and meaningless. It was not ...

Undergraduate / Question about Umich's Diversity.. Modern Art [10]

Any other thoughts?

Undergraduate / 'The best advice is experience' - Cornell university --why cornell engineering? [12]

Not trying to be mean, but I think you should completely rewrite your essay. The only paragraph you could keep is probably the first paragraph, assuming you can still incorporate.

You did pretty well in your second paragraph.. you were specific, but then you died down in the third and fourth and looked like you don't have an experience that explains your interest in engineering or you just got lazy.

This essay is superficial, a bit too colloquial, sometimes generic and does not answer the prompt, Llama is right..

"Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest."

Either write about an IDEA and briefly about how it developed or write about your INTERESTS. While you wrote about your experience of attempting to fix something and that your dad was an engineer, you didn't really explain your own interests in engineering and why you want to pursue engineering or even the field you want to commit to (if any). And if you did, then it was poorly done and not very specific at all.

As a frequent visitor to my father's chemistry lab, I became a volunteer for my father, a chemical engineer, and performed millions of experiments under his instructions

-not only does "millions" sound like an un-necessary hyperbole, but it also doesn't give the reader a sense that you're lying. You say you did a lot of experiments, yet not one single experiment was worth talking about in specifics in this essay? Really? Explain one single defining experiment that occurred that made you want to pursue engineering. Anyone can say a general list and then say they want to be involved in such fields. You need more substance

Luckily in the last paragraph you briefly touch on your experiences:

Since I aim to build up my own company in the future, the Kessler Fellows Program also grabbed my attention with its one-year work-study program that combines special educational and employment components. After I took part in UTACCEL, a entreprenuership contest this summer, I found that turning new ideas into reality and applying new designs to the business world would be revolutionary. I hope to become a Cornell's engineering student who will have the perfect opportunity to challenge and promote myself. In this peaceful and exuberant campus, I will never walk backwards on my road towards success.

But honestly, it's too little too late. In an essay of 500 words, all you could come up with was two sentences that just touch on your experiences that made you want to pursue engineering? I agree that talking about an entreprenuership wasn't a bad start, but come on... business and enterprise in engineering? You seem more like you wanna do business at this point. If you're going to make connections, you're going to have to be more specific and if anything, find specific examples on your basic interests for engineering before you travel to the other sub-categories and skills for engineering (such as advertising, consulting and entrepreneurships).

Overall, my best advice is experience, experience. This essay was 90% you telling me what you thought, and very arbitrary at that, without any details to explain why you thought so. Not to mention the other 10% were details that deviated from the main topic when you have very little details to support your interests in engineering.

Sorry if I sound harsh.

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

I disagree that this not just Suraj's business, as stated in the Terms of Services:

4. If you post to this forum, you acknowledge that your message, including all its contents, may be identified by search engines and included in their public databases. EssayForum.com encourages you to use your real name when creating a membership, so that it will appear next to your essays and establish you as the author. EssayForum.com cannot be held responsible for ensuring that no one will try to use your essay as their own (i.e. plagiarism). Although we do not tolerate plagiarism of any kind, it is also true that we are limited in our ability to protect your intellectual property, so ultimately you should post "at your own risk" and use your full name when creating your membership so that it will appear in all posts you create.

As stated in the ToS, plagerism is not tolerated. If we expect other people to respect our work by posting it publicly then we should expect the members of this forum to adhere to the same policy.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: An ending that sparks a new beginning. [7]

I have to say while your first two paragraphs were well written, your last paragraph, or at least the beginning of it, was pretty 'boring" It's the generic, X happened so therefore I must make the most out of Y and Z. I took the most challenging courses, worked as hard as I could and blah blah and made the most of my time"

I'm not trying to insult you in any way but I wrote like that too until I found these forums.. read a lot of essays and realized EVERYONE that was writin about similiar topics, did the same thing. It's just my two cents.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1: A Means of Struggle [5]

Yes I agree I feel your last paragraph is the most controversial "I would like to impress upon the committee that I am not yet another..."

Commitee is the not the right word here don't try to address as much as to just tell to a large audience. And as mentioned above the last paragraphs serves to just sum it up as you would with a thesis academic paper. Don't do that! You had a great feeling going on and with the conclusion you should emphasize and stress the important intricacies, not take a step back and go more general/abstract. Fix up your last paragraph and you got a finished esasy.

P.S. I do think this is a generic essay but you did take a unique angle of approach and it's well written so that's always good

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 The key to my world [9]

me neither.. anyways this is an amazing essay.. the detaisl you place in here are fantastic. Hope Stanford is your reach ahaha :P

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 : An Evolving Personality [3]

Some highlights that I saw:
paragraph 1-you were very detailed with the clothing
paragraph 2- rather than just saying you were shy you gave an example in which you were shy (i liked it a lot)
paragraph 3-an example how you were compared instead of just generalizing
I could go on and on but you get it. This is a very strong and detailed essay but i'm just worried about your word count. You have to finish both prompts in 1000 words and this one is already 748? And the min was 250, I'm not sure if you can complete the second prompt fully with just 252 words. Maybe you can shorten it in some ways... I'll let you do that as it is a personal essay.

Undergraduate / "I already had many stereotypes" - U of M: Diversity essay [4]

Thanks for the grammatical help and yeah I think your change for teh second to last correction is best: Arthur has helped me developed into a person who can challenge myself and not give up at the first obstacle.

-not sure if that's any better

Just a few questions, do you think I answered the prompt? And yes I too was thinking that the first paragraph might be a little vague, that's why i wasn't sure if about this. Umm.. do you think this is gonna work lol? I think I can still polish some areas but in general is this a good topic to write about ? (like does it fall into the 90% generic topics)

Undergraduate / "Studying Spanish" - U of M Diversity Essay Question [12]

I can kinda see your diversity change but I would find a better way to connect your first paragraph with the second. Moving to Pittsburgh and then talking about Spanish, it just seems superficial to me without any underlying principle. sorry, it just wasn't very clear to me and I read it over a couple of times.

Undergraduate / Question about Umich's Diversity.. Modern Art [10]

Hmm.. that's actually a great idea, I was always fascinated with Social Dwarwism and now that I think of it that did actually make me experience something of that sort lol.. thanks

Undergraduate / U of M: describe your interests and aspirations in engineering. [12]

And for the first sentence i was thinking would images be better?
"Numbers and astir test tubes have always fascinated me"

Undergraduate / Question about Umich's Diversity.. Modern Art [10]

Hmm... yeah.. I guess it's just hard for my to capture that epiphany moment since nothing specials sparkles out at me.

Undergraduate / U of M: describe your interests and aspirations in engineering. [12]

would the "even so.." be better or would this entirely new sentence work?

Despite this, I don't think that I realized my ambition to become an engineer-until now.

I think my first one had more flow.. lol.. and yeah I'll try and make that first sentence less cliche.

Undergraduate / our legal justice system is faulty!! [13]

You're a good writer, but in some aspects it seems like a research paper and not as much a personal essay. While your conclusion and closing sentences make it more personal, some parts are very telly. You "have to show not tell "