Essays / Should gay people be allowed to adopt children [6]

oops! I didn't realize it was an argumentative paper, sorry! Yes, of course you are right!

Undergraduate / "My experience as peer coach" - UC Prompt #2 [2]

You should say some more at the end of your essay concerning your feelings of selfishness, which you say sent you on this path in the first place. Your essay should end with you reflecting back to the topic of your opening.

... to a group of incoming freshmen who then meetsup during the first semester and helps them out with problems and answer any questions.

Oddly enough I had no prior experience as a peer mentor,...

During the classes, I participated...

As a result, I learned skills on how to better communicate, cooperate, listen and understand others; essential skills as a mentor and a person.

Eventually the day came that another coach and I, were assigned a group of mentors to teach.

...however joining peer resources was my first step toward changing.

As of n Now I feel a greater confidence in myself and am able to put myself out there and try my best.

Undergraduate / UC#2 : "You're either getting better, or getting worse, nothing else." [5]

Wow, that's some good writing! At the end, I felt as though I'd just watched a great movie.
I found just a few small things;

so having fun was paramount to everything else.

high school football player, I have discovered...

I have always loved competition, but I knew that sheer athleticism was not going to get me where I wanted to be, a starting linebacker.

Each week, the coaches offered sessions to watch...

I had to do more, so along with a few other players who were as determined as I was to improve,...

Undergraduate / our planet, UC essay 1 for transfer students [2]

I think you should start this essay with the second paragraph, changing it slightly. The first sentence in the first paragraph doesn't sound right for a college essay. Maybe it's just the word 'special' that didn't seem to sound right to me, but you could scrap that one and add the others to paragraph two.

Your essay could be stronger if you start like this;

At three and a half years old , I experienced my first tremble in the 1994 Northridge Earthquake.

I started to inquire about my curiosity in high school.This sentence needs to be revised for clarity.

My proudest achievement in being part of this...

Other than these minor things, your essay is pretty great, you're a good writer.

Graduate / I am applying on the suggestion of Professor - review my SoP for PhD in Finance [4]

This is coming out very well! Here are a few minor things though;

...#1 in the world in terms of publications in top research journals.

During my first and sophomore years of studying at the university I have done a lot of research concerning the types and kinds of,...

These studies have allowed me to gain a solid theoretical...

Moreover, it was a challenging practice of how to work in conditions of time constraints , incomplete data,...

I feel that teaching and conducting researches is my true vocation, since I grew up in a family, where academic values...

I would like to call the attention of the admission committee to the fact that in the mid-June 2007...

That was a strong emotional setback, since he had always been a close person to me. Or how about, "since we had always been very close"?

Nevertheless, the admission committee may reveal from my transcripts that despite such a challenge happened in my life, I have overcome, it and shown good performance in the third semester of studying.

Undergraduate / Law School Personal Statement "Overcoming Fathers Death" [4]

Oh, this is great. Every bit of it is interesting and important, so it's too bad that you must cut some of it. I could find no paragraph to cut, so what you'll have to do is go through the essay and trim away some unnecessary sentences. I could not find any that didn't seem important, which shows that you sure don't waste any words!

I fondly remember my first failed attempt at cooking .

...taught by Martha Stewart on TV.

...with the insight and knowledge needed to contribute to and foster healthy classroom discussion on important issues,...

Learning how to generate my own business and connect with clients has taught me how to become...

In the process, I learned the significance of each and every word in a legal document.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1- Living with one foot in two worlds [5]

This is coming out just fine and I like your last sentence. Looking forward to seeing the finished essay.

...but in fact I know that there are two .

I doubt I can be comprehended by merely describing the people I've met, and places I've lived.

What I do know though is that all these factors of the literal world have helped...

...just let me explain some things;

And In the figurative world, I saw an open door...

..."became an advocate of second chances." This is great!

And Now I as a person strive to do my best ...

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement #2 - My Dance Experience [3]

The only advice I have about making this shorter, is to just read through it and cut any unnecessary sentences. I could find nine that I thought would not detract from the essay, but you should choose them yourself, as I don't know how much shorter you need this to be.

...I became frustrated and gave up for a long while. I would not give up for long, however... You can see how this needs to be changed.

...and I slowly lost the fear of dancing that I had developed from failing so many times.

...and my flexibility and endurance was enhanced by participating in sports in middle and high school.

Since that short time I have improved vastly, and...

...I became more comfortable with my physique than I had been, and...

Book Reports / symbolism and mood in The Death of a Salesman [3]

Here are some sites you should find very helpful. Good luck!

uncp.edu/home/canada/work/allam/general/glossary.htm

helium.com/knowledge/199183-symbols-in-death-of-a-salesman-by-arthur-miller-54k

Undergraduate / Restoring The San Juaquin River- UC Prompt 1 Transfer Student [3]

...giving me more of an experience than I would have had, watching neighborhood squirrels running up and down pine trees.

... left me in anticipation of our next trip.

...including water from the Sierra Nevada mountains .

My desire to help protect and restore the river from led me to volunteer at

... the negative impact humans have had on the environment and to restore the worlds natural ecology.

The University of California system offers the knowledge that I need to acquire in order to do so in the Environmental Studies major.

Undergraduate / MassArt -- why i want to attend, my love for art, and how i came to this passion [8]

When walking past a park bench, many people simply think of it as a place to sit.

As I pass the same insignificant bench my mind wanders off on ...What medium would best reveal the texture in the wood? How would I have to angle my camera to capture that perfect image?

Growing up, I have learned to love the visual arts.

The more I study the world and further my artistic skills, the more aware I am of my surroundings and how anything, like a simple park bench, can become a piece of art.

I did reword some of this, but you did do a fine job of getting your point across. I hope this helps you!

Graduate / personal statement (Chemistry majored, I am a little worried with the structure) [2]

The last sentence of your second paragraph is very strong! It would be great if you could work one like this onto the end of your first paragraph.

I found a great deal of joy from doing experiments...

...although its capability was not as strong as I had anticipated.

This experience furthered the knowledge that I acquired at school, especially since I had limited accessibility...

I am confident in my ability to learn and use advanced equipments .

This experience allowed me put into practice what I have learned in theory:...

I served as a co-chairman of our Student Union and led the group to ever best by my excellent social skill. That needs to be revised.

I expect to gain additional knowledge in organic chemistry, which will allow me to participate in the development of economical and environmentally friendly chemical products.

Graduate / Application essay for PhD in Biological and biomedical sciences [3]

Wow, my head is spinning! This is some great writing and a well set up essay. I'm pretty sure they'll see that you belong at that school.

I think your essay would start out better if you reverse the first and second paragraphs.

Is it only the consensus sequences that guides DNA-protein...

I have tried to explore a few of these questions in my current research project.

This is very well written, but you seem to have much more technical information than belongs on this type of essay.

In your last paragraph, you mention faculty you would like to work with. You should include some specific quality of each of them, which you can find by logging onto the schools website.

Undergraduate / UC prompt 2- Forgotten Passion [4]

At the end of my eighth grade year, my friend persuaded me to go with her to audition for the dance team. I thought it seemed interesting so I agreed to go with her.

...hearing the crowd scream and cheer for more. It was intoxicating.

I went home angry and upset and I never went back to that place ever again.

I had forgotten the joy I had gotten from dancing.

What if my friend made it and I didn't?

These questions plague my mind as I waited for a friend to come and help me with my routine.

My body moved as if I had never stopped dancing and I realized that I would continue to love dancing even if I did not get into the team.

As long as I tried my best, it was good enough for me.

The team captain came up to me and encouraged me to join them.

Feeling ridiculous, I weakly joined them but soon the contagious excitement reached me and I was cheering as loudly as the next person.

Undergraduate / 'more fortunate than my mother' - UC prompt #1- My World [2]

The end of your last paragraph seems to end abruptly. I think you can fix this by reworking the last sentence, and putting it at the beginning of the last paragraph.

When thinking about the world I come from...

Even though she could not participate in any extracurricular activities, she worked very hard at school and always made the honor roll.

She chose not to spend her paychecks on the luxuries she had gone without, but to just save her money .

I also do not have the same survival instinct as my mother since there was no need to develop that.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL EASSY-- the ability of planning and organizing is essential for young [4]

Have you ever felt too tired to deal with too many things in life?

However, if they have a long-time schedule and short time span , plan at the beginning, they'll know exactly what they should do at any time.

So, people who have planned and organized things they should do, can insist on their goals and keep striving for them .

But I don't think so.

As I started my university life, I didn't know what to do and wasted a lot of time.

While we do one thing in a detailed plan, we need not to consider what to do next.

Undergraduate / Adelphi Essay - My Love for Art [2]

I like your writing style, right from the first attention grabbing sentence! Here are a few minor things;

I love art. Ever since I was a little, I've loved to draw.

It wasn't until when I went to school that I discovered my drawing talent.

It wasn't until high school, that I finally attended art school.

I would visit the school's art gallery every day after class to view the works of the experienced students.

At my art school, the students and I not only learned about art, but also more about ourselves.

,,,sketching room for visitors who wanted to sit down and draw sculptures and paintings.

Undergraduate / Fashion has always been an important icon in my family; FIT fashion merchandising [3]

Ever since For as long as I can remember, getting up every morning...

I remember when I was five years old at the time and I dressed up...

...put on Earth to do. Don't capitalize earth.

...but with having the greatest passion for fashion merchandising as I do , there is.

When I got to the end of the essay, my thought was that you are not as serious about your studies, as you are about being fashionable! You don't want to give that impression.

Maybe you should leave out the part about only staying at the last school for one night. Also, you should not say you'll settle for never having a secure job by attending FIT. It sounds as if you don't really believe there's a future in it. Write a thing or two about specific things about FIT that will help you develop your career goals in the fashion industry.

Graduate / What are the differences of these MFA admission requirements? [4]

Here are some links that may be helpful to you;

sundialmedia.com/lori/shyba_CV.pdf
english.ucf.edu/graduate/creative.php - 11k

The letters of recommendation won't have anything to do with the questions; the questions are for you to write in your own words in essay form. I hope this is helpful!

Undergraduate / 'Bare minimum grade' - a personal accomplishment, contribution or experience [7]

This js a good essay...just a few minor things;

...my classmate, Mike told me with a smirk on his face.

The bare minimum grade was something I strove for back in school.

I was indulged in all sorts of activities in my life, but nothing academically related.

Busy with my social life and working hard in my part time job, everything then seemed to fall into place for me.

It was only the day I received my diploma signifying graduation that made meI realized that the picture I had painted of myself was not impressive at all.

Definitely not something not to be proud of, it made me ponder, "Was this really me?"

I know that on this road to success, I will have to overcome many new obstacles.

Many times, whenever I feel discouraged by an incident, I would reflect back on my past and tell myself, "I've been to the deep end, there's nowhere to go but up."

Nice job tying the essay all together by reflecting back on your opening at the end.

Undergraduate / 'conquering the obstacles' - UC 2: My greatest accomplishment [4]

This is some great writing, well thought out and interesting. What a powerful essay, great story and wonderful person you are.

and was brainwashed into judging them as heretical.

However, things began to change when my mother fled with me to...

...and in tenth grade evolved into an academic and social success.

stay in the proper tense;

When we first arrived on the scene, we were unsure who the victims were. But whether they were Muslims or Jews, terrorists or their victims, my experiences have taught me that all life has value and people should be treated equally.

Essays / Should gay people be allowed to adopt children [6]

I cannot think of any disadvantages either, but why worry about that? If you believe they should be able to adopt, start your essay with a powerful first line stating your opinion, have a strong thesis statement at the end of your first paragraph. The next paragraph will back up what you say...and at the end of your essay, reflect on your stance again to tie it all together. Have fun with it!

Undergraduate / Which of the academic and social communities are most interesting to you? [2]

I love the quotation you opened with!

In our contemporary society, during the age of massive globalization and permanent pursuit of money, power and fame, people begin to forget the primary value of communities they live in as well as tounderestimating the importance of the collaborative engagement with communities and favor they can get from it. Okay, this whole sentence needs to be revised for clarity...easily done if you make it two sentences.

Since it was founded , University of Pennsylvania has always been an important means of uniting people, bringing them up together and setting a common goal.

Hence after years of development and improvement, numerous of academic and social communities were formed, serving the needs of residents of Philadelphia and the Philadelphian community as a whole.

My parents have always taught me to help others ...

Undergraduate / Perseverance Innovate Achievements - Personal Statement to UC [5]

My advice would be to start your essay with the second paragraph. Then, go on to tell about how rejection will only make you stronger and work harder, maybe working in parts of your first paragraph.

But for three years, I sacrificed spending time with my family and friends in order to acquire the preparation.prepare for this audition.

Soon a clear, soothing voice came out ofmy mouth.

After several more singing auditions the judges shortly announced the results.

I said, "Yes," in a heart beat.

No matter what the circumstance is there will always be a time when I arrive at a point of rejection.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:::working for a small company - more chances are to boost in your job [2]

You did a good job of making clear your thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. Your whole essay is well done, but I did find a few minor things;

In recent decades, more than thousands of large companies have been built all around the world.

In this respect, some people emphasize on the role of gigantic companies in today's industry ...

...seems more rational due to chief reasons being discussed in the followingthis essay.

Moreover, another reason motivating me to hold such an opinion is the recent study having been done by the researchers of McGill...

your abilities and skills can be more apt to be noticeddiscovered by your managers.

...objectives in order to be promoted at your work.

While I do appreciate huge enterprises and their contribution to mankind , my status as a young man makes me to appreciate better workplaces.

Writing Feedback / Toefl : lifestyle individualism VS collectivism [2]

This is coming out very well, but I did find a few mistakes;

Living in community based upon collectivism was the widely held belief . "belief" is not the right word here!

...by others because everyone people rely on one another.

Thus, this society is deprived of financial in equality.

...they always have someone help them solve the problems. On the other hand, individualists have to solve their trouble by themselves. This is better as two sentences.

Hence, they will not have drastically mental problems...

Undergraduate / MPH Essay: Choice of degree, program, concentration [2]

You are an excellent writer, this is great. The first thing that stood out to me though, is that you don't open with a clear thesis statement at the end of your first paragraph.

Also a few spelling mistakes;

We hear about health care reform, AIDS, Bird Flu, Swine flu, cancer...

Disparities in health in developing nations, increased prevalence of chronic diseases...

In Cochabamba, Bolivia I worked in a public health clinic located in an under-served ...

To begin to answer these questions, study design, ethical research guidelines, bio-statistical applications...

...a hubbub of policy and research...

...not just an amazing program and CEPH accreditation but also...

Undergraduate / My world, my Greek family, my dreams - UC Prompt #1; Weightlifting and Psychology [15]

Be careful with punctuation; I have very strong roots in my Greek heritage, because, from a very young age,...

an equal pace; even now I'm proud to say I can speak, read, and...

This sentence seems incomplete and should be revised for clarity; I've had the opportunity to try many different sports, however sticking to the three I've done in high school. If you're going to mention three, say what they are. Or, you could leave that part out.

It's great the way you tie weightlifting to psychology, it makes so much sense! Your ending should reflect back on your Greek heritage or something from your opening paragraph, and this will be even better.

Undergraduate / MacCauley Honors Essay Topic See the World [2]

Your first sentence is a great attention grabber!
You need to make a clear thesis statement at the end of your first paragraph to clarify what your essay is about. The prompt is a book, artwork...

Your ending is awesome, but just fix the first paragraph so the ending sums it up.

Their greatest fears, aspirations, and sentiments were all confided in the cracks... I think this sentence would be better if you start with, "They had confided their greatest..."

Undergraduate / My half-sister UC Prompt #2 [3]

This is a great essay and a nice story!

...especially for the damage he caused to our family.

"Instantly, I knew I would love her, regardless of the sins that created her, much like the Pearl of my father's Scarlet Letter." This is such a great sentence!

...restoring our relationship back to its previous state.

...whom I knew had repressed their feelings of hurt like I had , each...

Writing Feedback / Toefl - "not everything in life is according to our wish" [2]

This is basic part of our life.

There are many things in our lives which are forced to do, but that are the part of our responsibilities.

...prove beneficial for us and we start to learn to like them.

Most peoples personal and professional lives are filled...

...you don't like to work with at the office and so on.

But we do this because we know that it is necessary to fulfill our responsibilities in life.

If a person does not visit to a doctor, he might not get well, and this would affect his professional life too. Thus, performing such activities would lessen other problems in his life.

Suppose a student doesn't like to study,...

Writing Feedback / Experience is the best teacher; influential person - Preparing for the Clep exam [4]

Hard to believe that English is not your native language, this is great!

Whether we are in the field of manufacturing or...

Something that experience alone could not provide, which is the ability to design anything. ...This sentence is incomplete.

...talent and to bring out the best in myself.

Many of the practicalities of our professions are learned...

------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------------------
We had several animals that we cared for, such as canaries, turtles, and a dog.

...through my teacher, through my brother made everything make sense and the logic of music became apparent.

...standing on the 8th story balcony of a 16 story building...

What a wonderful tribute to your brother. I hope he gets to read this!

Undergraduate / Dickinson college supplement-globally engaged citizen leaders [8]

Wow, your third paragraph is powerfully written! Also your ending is done very well. I did find a few things that need work though;

...and I was surprised to learn that my affiliation with journalism started so early in life.

This doesn't sound right, unless you had amnesia! How about, "I was surprised to 'recall' that my...?

As I became the minister of the editorial board...

I shuttled back and forth during breaks to assign my men different tasks, not to mention my starving stomachand at times, my stomach was starving when I was on duty for the broadcasting period at noon, but I loved the job.

But When it comes to work, I am always painstakingly meticulous , especially when I am working in the "press".

Undergraduate / UCF Essay Prompt "Bumps in the Road" [3]

Actually, if you got rid of the whole first paragraph, it would still be a great essay. You're a very good writer!

Immediately upon hearing that story, anyone would be able...

Stories like this even find ways to skillfully illustrate...

...resenting all those around him as if they had a part in making him move.

My grades suffered in classes I knew I had the potential of doingto do better in,...

...words, my eyes agape with disbelief, my head pounding with...

...forget. I felt like I had been made out of glass and that phone call was the hammer...I think this would be better as two sentences instead of one long one.

Writing Feedback / Are human needs for farmland, housing, industry more important than saving lands [3]

Nowadays, a growing number of people focus on an issue that which is the most important for human beings by comparing the needs for farmland, housing, and industry, to saving land for endangered animals.

Other people, nevertheless, extraordinarily object to the idea, that ignoring the endangered animals for the sake of constructions.

However, compared with the requirements of farmland and industry, the protection of endangered animals is a much more crucial problem that we can not ignore .

...the vanishing of the species may exertsan unimaginable influence...

for the animals who are closed to extinction.

outweighsthat of making an improvement of farmland, housing and industry.

Undergraduate / Admissions Essay about my future career plans-feedback [3]

This is pretty good, but you could make it better by logging onto the schools website to find something specific that sets them apart from other schools. A program, a professor, location, why is THAT the school you're interested in?

I'm determined and extremely positive, so I know that I'm more than capable of being part of your program and succeeding.

...and exceed your expectations. just like your other students,and I'm willing...

Undergraduate / Hospitals in Pakistan, International concern [7]

While I can tell that English is not your first language, it does not detract from the way you get your point across. Nice essay.

...as I watched my grandmother lay motionlessly ...

...hoping that my warmth and comfort would bring her back to me.

This shows that even money in Pakistan cannot re assure proper treatment.

In the past The government has announced plans to upgrade all distinct headquarter hospitals. However, as with other numerous decisions and announcements, the plans to upgrade of certain hospitals still await implementation.

but also help Pakistanis by providing them with better treatment and awareness.

Undergraduate / "The Mexican" Personal Statement [3]

I am always motivated to do well in order to reach my goals.

Though sometimes it's hard to stay focused and keep working hard, I can say that the two most important people who keep me motivated have to be are my mother and father.

They have played a huge role in (shaping, creating,?) .. who I am as a person today.

My parents arrived in this country with little money...

They eventually began working but worked long hours for very little pay, though all was worth it because...

As soon as I began high school I was determined to do my best, which I very well achieved my freshman year.

My sophomore and junior years were...

It was difficult to balance both my studies and work, while working roughly twenty-five hours a week.

Working throughout my sophomore...

Your essay is pretty great, well told and interesting. Good luck in school!

Graduate / SOP for MFA in Studio in Film, Video and New Media [2]

Having entered to the fascinating world of Visual Arts has...

...was the piece that introduced me to the video technique.

...word video has become increasingly important ('to' or 'in') my work and...

Within which these documentaries, the diverse addressed themes will be...

If I would have had to define the duration and format of these,...

...will be a determining element in the future development of my work.

...cultural metropolis -a characteristic that as an artist I appreciate and value...

On the first hand Chicago is a cultural metropolis...

BeingThis is a very important factor,...

This is a very interesting essay, they will be lucky to have you as a student!

Undergraduate / "The importance of hardship"- UC Prompt [2]

My first thought is that you should let go of the first sentence. Someone who does not know you personally, would have no way of knowing and certainly, they could not tell by your writing. If English is your second language congratulations, because you have a better grasp on it than a lot of people born here!

...my parents decided to come to the United States of ...

...hardship my parents had the good fortune of living decent, middle-class lives.

Despite (a, our, or their ) comfortable status, my ...

...my parents understood that the future of their children would have a much better chance for success and prosperity in America.

...father had to work overtime, so my brother and I had to spend the night...

"You have to learn to overcome hardships in life or success will never come your way. in life ." I took the liberty of changing this, just because I liked it better with 'in life' just written once. No disrespect to your dad!

...whether it was in school or my personal life,...

as a detour on the path to success.